I realize this is almost a week late and I would apologize but I took all of last week off from blogging because I decided that I deserved it. On the bright side, I was vacationing in Nashville for the better part of last week and therefore we can count it as research. To which I will tell you that The Bluebird Café is not a lovely wooden bar with twinkly lights and celeb status, it is a hole in the wall located directly next to a McDonalds in the middle of nowhere and you are charged 3 extra fees just to sit inside it for 2 hours. *QUIETLY* So there’s some TV magic ruined for ya’ll.

Anyway, since we’re talking about things ruined, let’s talk about how baby Cadence is the human form of a C-block. When Avery and Layla finally, no surprise to anyone, smooch on their tour bus of love, Cadence lets out a howl that says, “no one will be getting any on this bus.” Then later on, after Juliette tries her typical manipulation to get Avery onstage with her, she finally fesses up and tells him she still loves him and they should try again. At the pucker of Juliette’s lips, Cadence turns on the waterworks. Congrats you two, you created a monster. Avery found a quick way around that though when he has Emily drop the little cockblock off at Juliette’s room to signify that he’ll be having a slumber party elsewhere. Ugh. Terrible decision, Avery. Calling Juliette during sex would’ve been less mean than using your own child as a flag to wave that you’re getting laid.

In related “things that were obviously going to happen” news, Scarlett and Gunnar get stuck in an elevator because the show needed a small place for them to finally harness their sexual tension and face it head on. Their foreplay is whiskey and “If I Didn’t Know Better.” They bang and that’s obvious.

And onto our melodramatic teen that wants to, in Daphne’s sad, sad words “divorce her family”, we’ve added Teddy back into the equation, which I think is pretty lolworthy because a few recaps ago I mused if he even still existed. Lo and behold, here’s Teddy still rotting in jail, except now he’s being asked to sign off on the emancipation before Maddie takes it to court. Maddie visits her fake dad in jail and is all, Deacon attacked some guy at the club feeling me up, so you can see how unfair this is, sign the papers and side with me. Except not so fast…Teddy reveals he only signed Maddie to Edgehill because of the whole blackmailed for banging a hooker thing. Remember that? The thing that got him thrown in the clink to begin with? Well, it didn’t really help the whole lying/manipulating parents sitch, whoopsie, so Teddy has been dismissed from the show, probably forever.

On Rayna’s side, she gets to that little snake Cash and threatens her with, “I will make sure no one from music row to lower broad will ever work with you again.” Cash should be shaking in her boots because Rayna basically owns Nashville and also since I’m a recent tourist of the city, I know that those are actual neighborhoods there. Ask me where they are and I will tell you I have not a clue. At one point I discovered I was in music row because a new snapchat geo-tag showed up that said “Music Row”. I know, I’m a genius.

Rayna catches Maddie at a vulnerable moment and thinks she gets her to call the whole deal off, then Maddie shows up last minute at the Opry to play with Daphne for a benefit. Except it turns out she didn’t LOVE what Rayna said to Cash and the emancipation is STILL ON. She only showed up to prove that Daphne and her are still sisters even though she’s bare-handed ripping this family apart. Everyone cries, including Rayna whose singing. I wouldn’t feel fab about paying for tix at the Opry and having the lead act cry onstage. PS I’ve been on that stage, NBD but KBD. Double PS, if you ever go to Nashville, skip the Opry backstage tour because it is literal dirt, and they wheel in a TV (substitute teacher style) with Deacon Clayborne on it to read the history of their soundstage. I see him every week on my TV; I don’t need to pay $35 for it. Alright, I’m done yapping about my life. See YA next week in court.

So it looks like our new faux country star Autumn Chase may hang around for more than one episode and whoopsie, secret’s out, she’s kind of a Twat. Within the first five minutes on tour, The Exes watch her fire a roadie in front of everyone. But in the NICEST way possible. She’s all we’re gonna go ahead and get you a flight back to Nashville…sorry! WHAT a DIVA. Then she bullies her new openers into spilling their relashe goss. They tell her everything because they’re terrified of getting fired and she obviously blabs it to anyone who will listen. Girls’ got a point though—in what world does a guy end up in a band with the girl who turned down his proposal. When Scarlett fearfully asks Fall Autumn to cut the shit, she’s like OF COURSE THANKS FOR SPEAKING UP #FEMINISM and then gets an evil look clearly growing her talons to insert into Gunnar.

Layla’s still trying to force herself on Avery but it’s looking like nice Juliette might swoop back in for the W after all. She goes to Avery for help when she realizes that asking for Glenn to be her manager again probably wasn’t going to erase all the terrible things she did to him. The ole married couple works together to get Glenn to the Grand Ole Opry where Juliette does a surprise serenade for her “father”. Nice Juliette is REALLY laying it on thick. It works, obviously and Glenn is like a sappy lil bitch agreeing to manage and dad for her again.

Maddie’s like so blasé about her first break up. It’s all good, Colt just wasn’t her guy, she wrote about it with Cash, so whatevs. It took me like six weeks to get over the crush I have on a hot bartender…but I guess that’s the power of songwriting. Except songwriting just isn’t enough for Maddie anymore. She wants to live her own Ind3p3nd3nt lifestyle so she decides to sneak out and play a show. Why? Oh, because Cash used to do it and she basically S’s her D. Daphne blackmails Maddie to get some new clothes out of keeping quiet except that she busts the secret like 20 minutes later when Deacon asks her to clean up after herself. Typs teen.

At the “coffeehouse” that Maddie’s playing at, she’s “21” for the night. Barf on barf. Let this episode serve as a PSA to all men out there. Before you take a chick home from a club…make sure she’s not 16. Speaking of, a random guy offers to buy Maddie a drink and she’s feelin herself—so much so that she decides to make F me eyes at said guy during her performance about being a bad girl. Do you think Rayna would give her a proud hug and tell her she’s growing up now? Methinks no. Mostly because a creeper grabs at her leg while she’s singing and Deacon appears to hulksmash him, announce her age and literally drag her offstage. SOCIAL SUICIDE. Seriously Maddie should just go into hiding after this one. It’s like when my dad dropped me off to visit my sister at college and told all of her friends to remember that I’m only fifteen. I don’t think they were going to forget anytime soon…I had braces. But the mere mention of it is a REAL buzzkill. Guess Maddie’s out on the club scene! Then Deacon tells Cash to stay the hell away from Maddie. Cash shouts a lot about not abandoning Maddie when she needs her. Is this relationship getting A LITTLE too intense for teen BFFS? Somethin ain’t right.

While Maddie is workin on her night moves, Rayna James is on the cover of Business Week for being a CEO of a company, and yet she admits that she doesn’t look at finances and spreadsheets for Highway 65. Killer CEO skills. She really just wants to go on tour so hard. Deacon declines a 10-day stint on the road in favor of fatherhood (whoa, one upper parenting, much?) At The Exes show Rayna wistfully looks at the full crowd and forces Autumn to bring her out onstage. In a sparkle star top, Rayna basks in the love of her fans and begs Bucky to let her hit the road again and forget about her business that’s barely surviving. You know, just for now. Wink, Wink. PS are we to assume Teddy is still rotting in jail? Just wonderin.

Ya boy Will has a record deal again but womp womppp he has to work with his ex Kevin to finish the record. Obvzzzz Kev has a new boyf and Will is all “we JUST broke up” Did they though? Because I feel like they broke up like 100 years ago. Was it even this season? Whatever, they loved each other and that’s that. (That’s definitely not that…they’ll probably get back togets.)

Uhhhh what else did I miss? Layla continues to annoy the shit out of me by manipulating every person over Jeff’s death. She lands a tour with Wheelin & Dealin because Luke is definitely the type of guy that gets reeeeall uncomfy around a crying girl and Layla knows that. She also knows that he’s covering up the truth about Jeff’s death but that’s neither here nor there. Since she’s still hard up for Avery (or Juliette revenge) she asks him out on tour with her as bandleader. OH YEAH….and RIFF IS MISSING ONE DAY BEFORE TOUR. GUITAR RIFF.