Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Nashville, Television

Nashville-“Maybe You’ll Appreciate Me Someday”

(Ehhh…probably not.)

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OH BOY. We are finished. The series of Nashville is dunzo (until they grovel so hard for a spot on Hulu and I pretend it no longer exists.) I counted down the minutes this episode, urging everyone to get their shit together by the very last frame. And they did. Sort of.

Let’s start with some LoLz. Colt facetiming Luke from “the army” wearing a camo bucket hat. They really made that one believable. How did he get his ass kicked for defending his dad’s liberal views and yet doesn’t get his ass kicked for rocking that bucket hat? Seems fishy, is all.

Let’s check in with Maddie for a hot sec. She’s still doing the NYC thing and upon meeting her producer, takes a kissy-faced selfie with him. SHE’S SO MATURE AND DESERVING OF AN EMANCIPATION. While shamelessly stalking their daughter on Instagram, Rayna reveals that Maddie’s producer Vince is the same one who tried to give her some unsolicited kissing back in the day. Deacon’s all, you don’t say! As he puts on his readers and goes in for a closer look. Just don’t accidentally double tap, Deacon! Every insta-creepers’ worst fear. Rayna somehow escaped the clutches of Vince back then (probably by flipping her magic hair and telling him to suck it) but she’s pretty concerned about Maddie. Probably because Maddie’s an idiot who would probably ask Vince mid-rape if he would mind posing for a quick snapchat (with the dog filter obvi.)

That may seem like a harsh assumption but when Vince drops the “I’m having some people by my private studio, you should stop by” line and Cash the wannabe is like WE’RE SO THERE, it doesn’t reeeaaallyy seem like a great idea. The second they walk in Maddie has her dumb phone out for a selfie. I want to hulk smash that phone out of her hand. More to come on the Maddie front but I’m irrationally angry about what a moron she is at the moment.

So we’re going to chat about Scarlett, whose southern accent gets more hick every time I hear it. My ears will be #blessed without it penetrating them every week. After another encouraging chat from that manager who’s only lines have been about headshots and tour offers up until this very last episode (cheers to you for finally getting your time to shine as a character in the series finale, guy) Scarlett decides to word vom it up to Gunnar that she loves him. Aaaand then Big Red comes tromping in like bull in china shop and is all omgggg you told her we’re together?! Die away from me, Red. She then manipulates Gunnar to believe Scarlett doesn’t really mean it, the Exes break up for a hot second, manager flexes his acting skills again with another pep talk and bingo bango, you’ve got a live Exes reunion when Gunnar plants one on Scarlett mid-concert. This generates an AWWWW for all normal people, and hysterical laughter from me. Be more predictable, Nashville. You can’t.

JK they totes can because guess whose garbage can devious plan went up in flames around her? Laaaaaayla. (Pls sing in Eric Clapton voice for full effect.) As she sees her sham of a publicity relationship with Avery going downhill, she calls in an anonymous tip to the paps that Juliette killed the Jeffster. There’s lawsuits and headlines and Juliette’s like whatever I’m over it, let’s do this thing. Kind of pokes a hole in Magnum Layla PI’s course of action here. I’ve never seen someone try so hard just to date a guy with a flavor savor. Gross. Glenn loses his shit on Layla, knowing exactly what she did and fires her. When you get yelled at by Glenn, you know you’ve hit rock bottom. At the same damn time, Luke tells Avery that Layla has known forever and it’s byeee bye bye bye bye to her career…and relashe. Juliette comes clean at the Oscars, proving how much she’s matured and Avery is like okay you may come back to us now that I know you almost offed yourself just because I divorced you. So everything’s roses for mommy, daddy and forever screeching baby Cadence. Right?

In the trend of full-circle character development, now that Will has decided to speak of his gayness on a political talk show, he’s fully embracing the community. He rallies some wily gays in Atlanta via Kevin (who’s newly single) to protest outside of Cynthia’s studio. In turns into a quick pop-up concert with a duet between Luke and Will that has Kevin soaking his undies out in the audience. Will finally gets his shot to appear on the show, crushes it, obviously and then gets some sage advice from Luke about going after Kevin. “You never know if you’ll get a second chance, until you take a chance.” Wow, Luke. That was PROFOUND. Sounds like it belongs in one of your shitty songs. Either way, both boys take that chinese proverb to heart. Kevin and Will are back at it again and not one for leaving a character without a happy ending—Luke tries to reunite with his ex-wife who we never once heard anything about and even chats it up with his daughter. Cause like, apparently he has other kids too, who didn’t witness a man tumble to his death and then join the army to escape it.

Alright, now that we’ve tied up all of our supporting characters’ lives neatly with a bow, let’s get back to the insufferable Maddie and her forever front-facing camera. Rayna can’t figure out a way to warn her because as Desperate Deacon points out, “she blocked us on Twitter!” Gawd, can you imagine your mom tweeting at you not to get raped by your producer? #AWKWARD. Rayna does her one better and pens an open letter to Huff Post. This is why you never underestimate Rayna James. Oh, I can’t call my daughter? Cool, I’ll just have my message to her published in a national newspaper in five minutes. Boom. Roasted.

Deacon continues to cr33p so hard on Maddie’s insta, refreshing it every 30 seconds—and this is why parents shouldn’t be on social media—but lookie, lookie, finds her #PartyAtVincesHouse post. For someone whose constantly on social media, that hashtag bloooows. Act like you’ve been here before, Maddie. In fact, I’ll whip up a caption 1000x better for your right meow. How about #PhotobombPervAlert or #WatchOutForViolationVince? I could go on for days. Jus sayin. While Rayna and Daphne sing a duet (only Rayna gets a rhinestoned mic…in due time Daphne, in due time) Maddie finds her mom’s letter and finally stops being a dum dum. Except Vince has Maddie pinned down and Deacon comes plowing through at the exact right second to stop it. So does Cash…cause I guess she’s done chitchatting with Chris Martin (it pains me that they brought Coldplay into this.) BYEEEE CASH!! Hope you had a fun ride on the coattails of a sixteen year old! Deacon brings Maddie home and they all have a life that’s good. Weird. Who called that?

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And that’s all folks! PSYCHE, as Juliette is skipping the Oscars to race home to her fam, her plane has a distress call and she probably died. Guitar Riff. She didn’t win an Oscar either. Tough night for Juliette. But like, at least everyone else lived happily ever after! Even Luke! (Probably not Teddy..) Sucks to suck, Juliette. Thanks for turning into a gr8 person just to maybe die, or at best, get lost at sea. Cause Nashville is surrounded by seas. Ok whatever. Let’s end the series on an uplifting note. Known for his shitty toupees and success relying directly upon Juliette, Glenn has kind of gotten the short end of the stick in this series. But him in those blue glasses at the Oscars? HoT DaMn! What a stud.

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Welp that’s all I got. Thank you for allowing me to shit on this show every week and make it more bearable to watch by poking fun at it. Hope you weren’t banking on a streaming service comeback as much as the writers who stuck us with that cliffhanger were. BYE YA’LL.

connie

(if you ever get lonely and have the nostalgic Nashville feels, hop right onto my playlist for a trip down memory lane of all the best music moments.)

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- This Is What Settling Looks Like

JOJO

“You are the bachelorette, and you are the bachelorette right now.”-Chris Harrison

The first fifteen minutes of this season were dedicated to JoJo staring at the ocean in 5 different outfits (one of them a bikini, her body’s like oookk, whatever) and getting “advice” from former bachelorettes. Kaitlyn’s advice was don’t sleep with a slimeball on TV. JK, she didn’t DIRECTLY say that. But she DID look like a baller in her leather high tops. (I didn’t watch Ali or Desiree’s season and therefore I have no comments for their lame advice.) The ladies ask JoJo if she’s ready to get engaged and she gives a HARD YES. This is why this show is garbage. Oh, and also because we’ve wrangled the largest group of losers I’ve ever seen. JoJo is a knockout smokeshow; unleashing her tits for night one and this is the crack team they’ve assembled to sweep her off her feet? Gimme a break. Let’s go man by man. If you notice someone is missing, it’s because they did nothing noteworthy or I was too busy drinking my sparkly pink wine to notice they existed.

Grant the firefighter.

Grant

Came in HOT (pun intended) with a, “I hope that JoJo is the one that lights my fire.” Ruined it immediately when he exits the limo and tells her that he won’t fall in love with more than one woman like Ben did…he’ll just love her. No shit, Grant. There’s only ONE Bachelorette (may the season of Britt/Kaitlyn RIP), also way to remind her that Ben didn’t love her as much as Lauren. Strike 1.

Jordan, Aaron Rodgers Jr.

Jordan

Jordan gets an opening bit where he tosses the football around in the pouring rain and talks about how he’s jelly of his bro. His last relationship failed because he loved football more and he really contemplates this in that tight Henley of his as fat droplets of water threaten to ruin his floppy head of hair. Jordan’s the first one out the limo and JoJo essentially creams herself. He’s smooth and tells her that his parents met and got engaged quickly and have been married for 37 years. Later, they have a nice chat and he bitches out on the smooch so he circles back for it and JoJo melts away and slobbers over his tight butt and how she needs to do squats. He gets the first impression rose and that’s obvious. He also has erect hair while he receives said rose.

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Alex US Marine.

Alex

Alex‘s twin is also a marine and I’m a little concernicus that when Alex points out how he wants a wife just like his twin’s that he isn’t just suggesting a sister wives scenario so they can have exactly matching lives. Other fun fact about Alex? He’s REAL short. I didn’t really notice this until his feet were dangling off the couch as he chatted it up with JoJo. Then JoJo sits on his back while he does pushups. It would’ve been cute if she wasn’t swaying around and looking like she was doing butt stuff.

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James the Bachelor Superfan.

James S

James does a shirtless intro in the mountains and admits he watches the Bachelor with his mom. He’s a real wiener.

 

Evan the erectile dysfunction guy.

Evan

“A lot of what I do is just pumping up my guys and getting them excited.” You’re barf.com, Evan and your hair is even worse IRL. He didn’t really do anything memorable with JoJo BUT he DID get his belly button poked. Hard. Multiple times. By another man.

Ali the Bartender.

Ali

Ali’s parents are from Iran and all his siblings are doctors. He’s crushing it with mixed drinks though, apparently. And surfing. And catching catfishers on MTV. The first night, he steps out of the limo with creepy wide eyes and probably cuts a lock of JoJo’s hair when he hugs her. Later he tickles the ivories for her because pianos just magically appear outside by the pool.

Christian the IT Guy?

Christian

I don’t actually remember what Christian does but he likes working out at 330 in the morning so I know I would never get along with him. He’s biracial and grew up without a father because his white fam was racist as hell. Still not sure why he’s raising two brothers that look like they could be in college, but I’m guessing it has to do with the dad drama. He seems chill and fairly normal. I can’t recall anything he did at the actual mansion.

Luke the War Veteran

Luke

is a farmer and basically recites the lyrics to small town girl in his opener. Seriously I could’ve been hammered if I drank every time he said “small town”. JK it wouldn’t have been possible with the rosé I was drinking with 6% alcohol. It shouldn’t even be legal to sell wine with no alcohol in it, honestly. Anyway, there’s something that still makes me feel the uncomfies about Luke but he DOES nail the limo exit by riding up on a unicorn horse. It’s cute and unique but does he have a lazy eye? Or what is it that’s creeping me out about Luke? Oh, I know…He describes Ben Higgins as a “soft, supple, smooth guy” Hey ladies, you know how you all hate the word moist? SUPPLE IS MUCH MUCH WORSE. Luke also Gives JoJo legit cowboy boots and I got a flare of jealousy. Then went back to being weirded out by Luke and his supple body.

Derek the commercial banker.

Derek

If you’ll recall I swooned hard over this guy mostly just from his pic. Baby blues for days. Unfortunately he was boring as hell last night. He called himself a nerd and was real nervsies. Get it together, Derek. WE NEED YOU.

Robby the swimmer

Robby

came with a bottle of wine and tells JoJo to drink from the bottle true to Fletcher family tradition. I like his style here except that he whisper talks and reminds me a touch of a serial killer. He also looks like CGI, so I’m pretty much out on Robby. Good effort.

Will (my kinda #1 pick)

Will

stepped out of the limo and dropped cards as part of a dumb bit. It fell flat. But not as flat as when he started unsolicited kissing JoJo via a cootie catcher. YIKES I’m done with Will. I apologize for ever steering you wrong but I’m not down with lip raping.

Chad

Chad

was weird and talked REAL close then got jelly of everyone else for the rest of the night because that’s what men who say their greatest achievement is “being born good looking” do.

Daniel the Canadian male model.

Daniel

His first words out of the limo are “Damn JoJo, back at it again with the Bachelorette” and it is terrible. He has to explain what Damn Daniel is to her later. Rule number one of comedy, always explain your jokes to death until you get a pity laugh. DAMN DANIEL, YOU’RE HILARIOUS. Daniel then drowns himself in alcohol probably because he relied on a snapchat joke a couple of fourteen year olds created to find his wife. He pokes the ED guy in the belly button a few times, then he strips naked for a quick dip.

James Taylor

James Taylor

is the guitar guy and comes out of the limo singing something dumb and I want him to go away immediately. He goes on about how they’re both from Texas. Except Texas is a massive state and cowboy Luke is working that angle as well.

Jonathan

Jonathan

declares, “I’m half Scottish below the waist” whilst wearing a kilt, therefore squashing all small dick assumptions because he’s Asian. Then he makes it rapey by adding that he’s not wearing any panties. PANTIES. Byebyebyebyebyebye. He sits in the mansion with his legs wide open and this season’s black bar already gets a workout.

Nick

Nick B

is dressed as Santa and gives JoJo a gift from his sack. Instead of saying hohoho, he says JoJoJoJo and I want to chop my ears off and put them in a blender. JoJo sits on his lap, HASHTAG PEDOPHILE. She’s like this should be creepy but it’s totally not. It totally is, JoJo. Then she pulls back his beard to reveal his face drowning in sweat and is like it’s probably best if you keep this on, St. Nick.

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Chase the medical sales rep

Chase

wears a fake stache and uses the “I mustache you a question but I think I’m going to shave it for later.” Graphic tees all over the world rejoice.

Sal

Sal

gives JoJo blue balls to squeeze.

 

Coley

Coley

tells a cheesy real estate joke and talks about how his nieces/nephews call him Uncle Co. And tries to sell that they could be Co and Jo. How about no?

Brandon the hipster

Brandon

is SO gross. He proves he is absolutely not a hipster when he tosses an overplayed “Damn Daniel” into the breeze as Daniel dives into the pool. HIPSTERS DON’T WATCH VIRAL VIDEOS, BRANDON YOU FRAUD. Also what a blow to have Coley and Brandon get out of the limo B2B. JoJo was probably like will I ever find an attractive male again?

Nick S. the bandanna wearing dog

Nick S

drops into a split upon meeting JoJo then proceeds to get sloppy drunk.

Vinny the barber

Vinny

gives her a piece of toast then thinks he’s auditioning for the Jersey Shore, gets hammered and crashes JoJo’s confessional. Act like you’ve ever drank before, bruh.

Peter the dirt stache

Peter

gives her a stuffed heart and wants to be her MCM.

James F. the boxer trying to be actor

James F

spars with JoJo a little bit but what really makes him stand out is his stance on belly poking: “You never poke another man’s belly button.”

Wells

Wells

uses his radio DJ connects to bring out All-4-One to serenade JoJo with “I Swear”. She doesn’t even know who they are but she eats that shit right up. It then gets a touch annoying when they follow him around all night and won’t stop harmonizing and snapping.

PLOT TWIST: During the rose ceremony, Jake Pavelka rolls in, and he’s apparently a “close family friend.” CLOSE like JoJo’s brothers are with her orrrr? Anyway, he just thought this would be an opportune time to tell her how important it is to find love and give some family friendly advice. And you know, collect another ABC paycheck. THANKS JAKE!! You can take your dad jokes and go home now.

Roses: Jordan, Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Nick, Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, Daniel (ugh the OP/Tony of this season)

Teaser for the season: Jordan probably wins, and apparently Chad turns into a real psychopath and there’s a fight with a LOT of blood. Hey guys, remember when Leah got punched in the face? Yeah, me neither. Nice try, ABC. I don’t trust your sizzle reels for a G-D second. What I do trust is that Chad is a weirdo because I called it so hard. What sane person writes “me in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” as an answer to three separate question? Psychopaths.

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Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap 2016

I would’ve done a red carpet except that I only found roughly 14 pictures and I hated them all. It’s kind of hard to post a blog specifically to razz celebrity outfits when I looked like this while watching the awards last night (and all day out in public yesterday.)

icebox

So instead I’ll give you the full recap breaking down the LoLz and the things that frankly were a NO (Meghan Trainor style) for me. YA NEED TO LET IT GO.

 

Yaassss:

The Weeknd won the first award and in his speech he spoke highly of Prince with, “I didn’t know him but I was close to him.” This sincerely made me laugh out loud.

Shawn Mendes did a supes emosh performance of Stitches that gave me all the feels. I’m already pretty sick of that song but watching him get down and dirty with it was worth it.

Speaking of Worth It, Fifth Harmony showed off how skilled they are at patting the puss Erika Jayne style AND dropping it low. They simultaneously showed off how unskilled they are at singing. Props for this song being a better version of Rihanna’s WERKWERKEWERKWERKWERK annoyingness though. And for suddenly turning at-home-jobs suuuper dirrrty.

Without even knowing it, I took a bathroom break right as Gwen and Blake were performing. So props to me for having a perfectly timed bladder emergency because if I had to sit through that whole butchering of music I would’ve ripped my ears clean off my head. We get it, guys. You’re together. A couple does not a musical collaboration make.

This is what Lukas Graham looks like. And this song bangs. Plus he actually sang it IRL.

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Celine gets the icon award and sings “The Show Must Go On” with a full orchestra and a champagne glitter dress. I mean it was obviously phenomenal but seriously, GIVE US THE HITS, CELINE! Billboard really banked on the waterworks by bringing out her son Rene Charles to present the award and she lost it. What a bunch of assholes these producers are. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. When Celine cries everyone cries. She apologizes and throws up a trib to her late husband. PS Her son is only 15, ya pervs. But he can give me a buzz in like 7 years.

 

The Go Go’s Reunion added some much-needed mom jamz into the mix. Watching those sassy middle aged women mom snap all over the stage was gr8. Also reminded me of the days when my mom would play The Bangles for us and we would crush the choreography. Meanwhile, every tween in the audience checked Twitter during this number.

Adele looked like a dime piece in the “Send my Love (to your new lover)” music video. Otherwise it was boring AF.

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Rihanna wore a furry animal’s tail around her neck and double decker sunglasses to do a slow jam in green lighting. It wasn’t Work and it wasn’t Bitch Better Have My Money so it was welcome by me.

Demi SLAY BITCH Lovato:

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Ariana brought out her bad gurl side.

 

Nahhh:

Britney is the opener because the show is in Vegas and she currently has a residency there. I guess I missed the part where she turned into a full on robot because her dancing was cringeworthy during this medley of hits. Lip syncing was really on point though. Hey is there a show where celebrities can dress up, dance terribly and not sing? Her body’s still tight as hell, so at least she’s got that going for her.

As new host, Ciara shakes her lady bits all over the stage while Russell Wilson nutted just from watching, front row. (They don’t have sex, guys.) Even Luda was like CHECK OUT DEM LEGS, GUYS. As he mopped up drool slobbering from his mouth.

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Pink tossed it back to the year 2014 when she graced every awards show with an acrobatic ribbon routine. Except this time she just whipped through the crowd on a spinning clock, touched onstage to sing her song then was lifted with a clock hand at the end. SO ALICE IN WONDERLAND. SO OVER IT.

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Tove Lo and Nick Jonas pitched their way through “Close” and then teased a smooch at the end. Tongue was honestly the only thing that could’ve saved that performance. Except Nick couldn’t even reach her mouth. Wittle guy.

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Kesha gives this dramatic and controversial performance (cough cough Dr. Luke) and yet WEARS A HIDEOUS WHITE SUIT WITH GLITTER DECALS AND BANGS. Like I get that it’s frowned upon to talk shit about this because she’s been through some shit this year but come on. Ben Folds tickled the ivories and she covered a Bob Dylan song. At least she changed it up and showed she actually has a good voice.

kesha

Madonna sings “Nothing Compares 2 U” for Prince. Stevie Wonder then stumbled out for a little Purple Rain. It was just like…fine.

madonna

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Nashville, Television

Nashville “It’s Sure Gonna Hurt”

eltonjohn

The time has come. ABC has spoken and Nashville is dunzo. IT’S ALL OVER CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. Okay sorry. If that sounded celebratory it’s because it 100% WAS. When your show goes off the rails, has storylines a monkey could write and becomes a chore to watch, it’s time to get the ax and I’m just glad that ABC finally saw that. What once was a show with phenomenal music and spicy love triangles turned into predictable garbage and I think this is the proper time to bid it farewell. Especially now that everyone is in a position to get back togets and love each other for a life that’s good. (Except Maddie, YIKES.) I’m going to promptly ignore the desperate pleas of the cast/fans to get it picked up somewhere else like Hulu or Netflix because after next week, Nashville is dead to me.

Moving on from the good word and onto last night’s episode where they decided to add fuel to the already flaming dumpster fire by creating a cameo from the ear-shattering cast of The View. Luke makes yet another appearance to wave that rainbow flag while Will sits at home with his feet up, chatting with daddy. The dramatics continue when Luke finds out Colt got jumped at boot camp because of the gay pride tour Luke has been on lately. Except it turns out that Colt actually threw the first punch because he was defending dear ole dad. Back in Nashville, a gay guy hides in the shadows at Will’s house to confrontationally tell him that Will’s coming out made him comfortable in his own skin. This seems like an aggressive thing to do just to encourage someone to speak up. Either way, it works and Will is like k I’m ready to talk about being gay now. ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

Red AKA Autumn Chase is going to see her BFF Elton John perform in Boston and poaches Gunnar for the trip while Scarlett the little Dutch boy (that hat though) goes to shoot a solo commercial in Chicago. Gunnar sings with Elton onstage and Scarlett has a super d33p convo with the pushy photographer. On what planet does a photographer hired for a shoot kick everyone out and sit down with the subject for therapy? Anyway, after their chat Scarlett boohoos real hard and we get a quick flashback of early Scarnnar days when they were just babies making beautiful music and lovin all up on each other. This forces Scarlett to admit that she loves Gunnar rriiiiiighhhtttt about the same time that Gunnar bangs Autumn “can’t take a hint” Chase because he felt guilty taking all her celeb favors for free.

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In other, couples that should be together and will be by the series finale news, Avery and Juliette are slowly finding out that their flings are stupid. Layla and Avery are acting couply as shit, which is pretty vomit inducing. Until Avery sees that Noah West has stopped by Juliette’s for the evening and he gets jelly belly of Noah playing dad to his demon child. Stressed about it, he nearly saunters offstage at the FAKE Bluebird mid-performance to answer his cell when he sees that Juliette’s calling.

Juliette and Noah go on their first “date”, which consists of taking care of an infant that screams every time two adults try to kiss and then watching Tommy Boy. Noah thinks Tommy Boy is the worst movie ever and Juliette loves it so she breaks up with him because they have NOTHING in common. At least she gave him a fair shot.

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And lastly, Deacon and Rayna are in couples therapy cause they’re DYSFUNCTIONAL AF. Rayna doesn’t really care about fixing her relationship with Deacon; she just wants Maddie back as she cuddles in Maddie’s bed clutching a framed picture of her like she’s dead. You know, real healthy stuff. In their own bed later, Rayna and Deacon touch hands so THEY’RE TOTES BACK TOGETS AND NO PROBLEMS HERE, YO! Tune in next week for the grand finale! Will Maddie come back or is she gone 2 soon? Is Teddy still rotting in prison? Will we get the ghost of Jeff Fordham? Or will we just get a really schmaltzy episode of their best duets and everyone reuniting to live happily ever after in Music City?

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S12-Ranking The Contestants

bachelorettejojocontestants

With the premiere just a week away, it’s time to start gearing up for JoJo’s season of the Bachelorette. If this group photo is any indication, I’m already over it. Cool Santa suit, bruh. I have carefully studied (briefly skimmed) each bro’s bio to give you the official ranking of who blows and who might have a fighting chance based on how well they photograph and how witty they are at answering stock questions. I’d like to commend Bach writers/producers for asking one of the dumbest questions ever with “Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?” essentially allowing every guy to say that they rotate between all three depending on their mood. Let’s re-visit the rest of the thought-provoking questions in my ranking…

James Taylor, 29 Singer/Songwriter.

James Taylor

Ugh, Ugh, the name, the occupation, the gelled forehead curl and fiery orange beard. Byeeeeeeee. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Nick S., 26 Software Salesman.

Nick S

NICK IS WEARING A BANDANNA AROUND HIS NECK LIKE A DOG WHO JUST WENT TO THE GROOMER.

Evan, 33 Erectile Dysfunction Expert.

Evan

If this job title was supposed to be clever & funny, I can assure you it is not. Evan claims to be very “in touch with his sexual energy”, which gives me all the cringes and he also is preeeettyyyy picky when it comes to ladies so just from one skim of his bio I can tell you why he’s quite single at 33. Also, let’s not overlook that side bang.

Brandon, 28 Hipster.

Brandon

Apparently being a douchebag is a career now. Brandon wants a Noah and Allie type of love. Who knew hipsters liked mainstream rom-coms? FRAUD.

Jonathan, 29 Technical Sales Rep.

Jonathan

Hates veggies but loves his lettuce. HeeyyOoooo. No, but seriously. Also thinks gluten allergies are fake. CONTROVERSY. If my eyes haven’t tricked me, Jonathan rolls up night one wearing a kilt. With that move he bumped himself to the bottom of the pack.

Chad, 28 Luxury Real Estate Agent.

Chad

Directly from Chad’s bio: Who do you admire most in the world and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

What is your greatest achievement to date? Being born good looking.

Go home Chad, you’re drunk. (Most likely to be one half of the Clint/JJ duo this season.)

Wells, 31 Radio DJ.

Wells

I want to like Wells but he’s a walking conundrum. His name is weird, and he’s naturally looking to get more publicity (get syndicated) by going on this show and boosting his social media follows. He hates cats (team no cat foreva) BUT also hates pizza? I can’t trust this jabroni. And that pinned/patched denim jacket is trying too hard and that’s obvious.

Christian, 26 Telecom Consultant.

Christian

Has two cats, nuff said. Although he tacked on that his ex took his Chihuahua and there’s definitely a story there. SAD FACE. Wants to go to space for some intergalactic selfies and apparently got in touch with his Magic Mike side in college.

Daniel, 31 Male Model.

Daniel

Ummm…are we sure? Out of all of these men, this one is the profesh looker? Something doesn’t add up here. Really loves Lamborghini analogies:

Tattoos: No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.

Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?

Aaaannd I hate him.

Ali, 27 Bartender.

Ali

Describes himself as “Party-starter with a laid-back attitude.” Whatever that means. Once had long luscious locks. And regrets it. He’s no Tim Riggins.

Coley, 27 Real Estate Consultant AKA assistant in a real estate office.

Coley

 THAT SLICKED HAIR. NO THANK YOU. Coley wants to travel, loves Merica and Hogwarts.

James F., 34 Boxing Club Owner.

James F

In the process of removing 3 tats. He has fitness and acting dreams (and will probably have a blog/hawk a protein powder in 3 months time)

Nick B., 33 Electrical Engineer.

Nick B

Could only last one day inside a woman’s brain. Take that as you will. Reads “Ducks Unlimited.” 90% SURE HE’S SANTA FROM NIGHT ONE. NOPE.

Vinny, 28 Barber.

Vinny

Vinny IS SUCH A VINNY. If you just showed me this picture I would tell you that Vinny is an Italian barber mama’s boy who doesn’t let anyone mess with his meats. The hair, the fact that he calls his friends his “boys”. Everything adds up. Cliché city, population: Vinny.  I can’t WAIT to hear this goombah speak because I KNOW he’s going to have an accent. PS Vinny- pics or it didn’t happen with your bleached JT style tips from back in the day.

Peter, 26 Staffing Agency Manager.

Peter

Peter, your facial hair sucks. Boom, roasted. Regardless of the dirt stache, Peter crushes it at work because he’s gotten promoted at every job. He’s also pretty diverse because he went through a skater AND thug phase. He also lucked out real hard in his suit choice opening night because he coordinated it perfectly with JoJo’s flesh colored dress.

Chase, 27 Medical Sales Rep.

Chase

Meh.This is the part of the ranking where all the boring people go because they haven’t done enough to impress me. Chase will do anything for love but won’t sell his truck. Is afraid of a girl falling in love with him on the first date, which is REAL cocky.

Jake, 27 Landscape Architect.

Jake

In five years Jake sees himself married to the bachelorette with kids. So definitely isn’t lacking confidence but also shouldn’t bank on a family from Texas being down AF with interracial marriages. Used to have sonic the hedgehog hair and looks REALLY surprised that this photo is being taken.

Jordan, 27 Former Pro Quarterback.

Jordan

YO WHAT TEAM? You can’t tease with that and not give a team name and explain why it’s a “former” job. Something’s fishy here. Also how did a helmet fit over that swoopy hair? Update: A reputable source tells me this is Aaron Rodgers’ brother and in her words he’s a “‘former’ footballer because he couldn’t live up to big bros hype.” ZINGGGGG.

Alex, 25

Alex

Alex is a twin, though that’s not his occupation because he’s male and not a blonde cheerleader stereotype cough, cough (he’s a marine.) He likes to slow dance, middle school style, probably to “Perfect” by Simple Plan because he went through a sk8er boi phase. Also humblebrags about saving someone from a fiery car wreck. Just your average Luke from The Longest Ride. Sigh.

Grant, 27 Firefighter.

Grant

Once evaded police in Mexico on an ATV and I’d like to know why. Intrigue. Saves lives, doesn’t love Harry Potter, DOES love Home Alone. Has nailed the sexy flirty pose, so he’ll be modeling for a firefighters shirtless calendar in no time.

Luke, 31 War Veteran.

Luke

Second person to mention Mark Cuban in his interview so I guess everyone slobbers real hard for the Cubez. I don’t have that many mean things to say about Luke here. Anyone who loves Step Brothers is okay in my book. This picture kind of gives me the scaries though.

James S., 27 Bachelor Superfan.

James S

Oh great, this guy won’t be a weirdo. Damn he looks fab in mint though. His number is low because he probably has Bachelor Mondays and calls into Chris Harrison’s after show. JK he thinks intimacy is important and isn’t a whorebag. Respect.

Robby, 27 Former Competitive Swimmer.

Robby

Obv means he’s got the body dreams are made of. Nothing else stands out about Robby. He’s all about that nut hugger life and wants a bajillion kids or something. T’s & P’s for JoJo’s vagina if they end up togets.

Sal, 28 Operations Manager.

Sal

Sal has an old man’s name and seems pretty low-key. The most outrageous thing he ever did was egg his gym teacher’s house as a rambunctious teen. He’d be a nice guy to settle down with, hates snakes and the Kardashians, plus he’s a real cutie. A real safe pick for JoJo…reminds me of Ben Higgi.

Derek, 29 Commercial Banker.

Derek

“My baby blues tend to get a lot of front-end attention” is the understatement of the year. Those eyes are automatic panty-soakers. Flooded basements from just one look. Oh, sorry. I got distracted. Derek hates cucumbers and fluffy kittens, skinny dipped in the ocean, but did not get chomped on by a shark. He’s a top pick because he’s obviously a smokeshow and if it matters to JoJo, he probz brings home the bacon.

Will, 26 Civil Engineer.

Will

Will seems like an attractive goofy goober and that goes pretty far with me. His go-to dance move is “Bernie-ing” and if he could be anyone for a day he would be J.May to melt faces & hearts. Except now that I’m looking at his picture again I’m thinking he’s less attractive than my kneejerk reaction. Ugh, whatever, I don’t have a clear ringleader from this group. You heard it here first, The Salty Ju will not be calling a winner. Which sucks, because I crushed it when I chose Shawn last season. Can’t win them all.

Find full bios here and tune in next week to see if JoJo’s aggressive and slightly attracted to her brothers approve of this group of dum dums.

 

 

 

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/9/16

1. RyGos played us. Because of course we learn about a Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes pregnancy like while they’re popping that thing out. Gos Girl #2 arrived this week and they’re really sticking with the Spanish names, as this one is Amada Lee Gosling. I did some research on the Google and Amada means “beloved” so I guess that kinda sucks for Esmeralda. She’s no longer the baby –who, face it, gets spoiled in every family AND she got the short end of the stick in the naming department. Roof stoof, girl. Since we’ve never even seen baby numero uno, don’t hold thy breath for a snapshot of the newb. Damn celebs and wanting their privacy. So selfish.

2. New HaWt Coups Alert.

A shirtless Robert Buckley plays basketball on location for ‘Lipstick Jungle’ in New York City.

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Apparently Robert Buckley and Lea Michele are dating, which I approve of very much. Lea is a babe, Robert is a babe. Teen drama royalty. End of discussion.

3. What Would Playboy Spence Think? (WWPST?)

Our favorite LA slut, Brody Homeboy Jenner is finally settling down. I mean, realistically he was already settled for quite some time now but the ring makes it official. No more Vegas birthdays with Frankie and the boys, or smooching Jenn Bunney on her birthday. Clearly I’ve never moved on from a fictional reality show roughly 10 years ago. Whatever. Either way that’s a rock right there! Speaking of rocks, do you think Spencer will be invited to the wedding? And if so, will he give them marriage crystals? Okay. I’m done.

spence

4. Marla Hooch still has it.

Geena Davis' 2nd Annual Bentonville Film Festival Championing Women And Diverse Voices In Media - Day 6

A film festival staged a reunion for the movie A League of Their Own, because reunions are SAH HAWT right now. As beautiful as Marla Hooch was in the original film, if this picture is any indication, she’s still GOT IT. Hot damn, ladies! Sooks that they couldn’t get Rosie or Madonna… or even Jimmy Dugan. I feel cheated. JK I don’t because this picture made me laugh out loud.

5. Mikey Posner gets deep.

I saw a bunch of musicians tweeting about how this performance was a huge deal and since I suffer from severe FOMO, I powered up the ole YouTube and got to steppin to see what this was all about. Pretty cool considering this song as it was released was a techno beat and Mike stripping it down and making up lyrics on the spot made it a whole lot more relatable than poppin pillz on an island. Plus, if Matt Nathanson approves, SO DO I.

BONUS: Prince delivering burns from beyond the grave.

Prince, may he rest in peace, is still reminding the Kardashians that they’re garbage from 6 feet under. And I respect the hell out of it. First he kicks Kimmy off his stage for dancing terribly then he demands no Kardashians set foot on the same set as him. What a baller.

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “After You’ve Gone”

kesha

What a sad, sad montage to kick off this week’s episode. Rayna’s onstage crooning while an orange-vested Deacon scrubs graffiti off of a concrete wall. #JUXTAPOSITION. Oh, and Maddie does her best sexy flirty pout while Cash stage-moms it up from the side. Although it may look like she’s practicing her I’m innocent while also being slutty persona, she’s actually prepping for an auction. Yes that’s right, she wants a record company to bid on her like a piece of meat.

But before we get to that let’s clap it up for Avery this week because THEY LET HIM SING BY HIMSELF!!! On a stage!!! That’s SO season 1. He’s jamming so hard and feeling gr8 about life that he takes that adrenaline and smashes Layla against the wall out back for a mack sesh. Turns out she paid this photog to be there so she could get more press. Avery and Layla have a fight about being a “famous couple” and I wonder if Layla knows that a few short weeks ago Avery was singing commercial jingles for like barely a hundo.

Juliette gets a Google alert of Avery and Layla’s paid for public smooch while she’s shoving ice cream into her ice cream hole. NOT a good look. You know what else isn’t a good look? Using a picture of the ex while she’s mid-sneeze printed next to the tonsil hockey. That’s cold even for a gossip rag. Obviously she needs a hot date to get back at Avery and after a quick run-in with Kesha (thanks for stopping by, grl) Juliette ends up with movie hunk that was after her V when she was preggers. They bang and he wants to have a relashe, I’m assuming just until the end of the season when Juliette and Avery get back together.

Will’s mom died and he’s not allowed at the services. It’s also his fault she died, you know, cause he’s gay. He showed up anyway and whatdya know the church didn’t burn to the ground! His dad still hates him but at least when someone calls Will a homo, Papa Lexington is like NOT IN MY HOUSE…cause like only he can call his son homophobic slurs.

Anyway, back to the meat and potatoes, the dumpster fire that once was a happy lil family singing about how they don’t care about materialistic things, they just want a life that’s good. LoLz. The Beverly is no more and that became obvious when one owner filed a restraining order against the other. Deacon is tossing it around that maybe he should drown himself in booze again since he’s lost EvErYtHiNg. Tandie is back to babysit Daphne. I feel like maybe Daphne is a little old for bedtime stories, but Auntie Tandz disagrees and tells her a long tale of how history is repeating itself and Maddie=younger Rayna. I’m sure that’s comforting for Daphne to hear that her and her sister probably won’t talk for years.

Rayna sleuths on over to the auction after convincing a friend to sign Maddie. I’m sorry, I guess it’s Maddie JAYMES now. Because as if she couldn’t get any worse, ripping her mom’s famous last name from her AFTER declaring she doesn’t want her as a mom anymore SEEMS A LITTLE BIT RIDICULOUS. What a dirt move. Almost as dirt as signing with the New York label, which she obviously does. Adios, Maddie Jaymes, hope you’ll enjoy the big apple with Cash residing directly up your ass.

 

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Playlist, Television

Best of The OC Mix

The network execs at Pop know WTF is up because they’re only one show away from being the new Soapnet. For those of you that don’t fondly remember, Soapnet was the OG of playing teen drama reruns and now that Pop has The OC in the mix, all they need is One Tree Hill before we’re back in the game. (Since I’m a walking TV Guide, the lineup is currently 90210, Dawson’s, The OC, and That 70’s Show—which is obviously replaceable, so let’s get OTH in there stat and make my daytime TV dreams come true.) Anyway, I got distracted salivating over old shitty teen soaps, which is exactly what this playlist is about. Now that I’ve relived the good years of The OC (seasons 1-2 and like the first four episodes of 3), I needed a soundtrack revival to give me all the Cali feels again. Listen to these jams when you want to know what it feels like to live in a model home near the ocean and still just have SO MUCH DRAMA, but also, Chrismakkuh. **You’ll notice that I refuse to include the song that Marissa dies to, because that’s just in poor taste. It’s over 10 years later and it’s still TOO soon to revisit perfect Ryan Atwood carrying Marissa’s lifeless body away from his brand new graduation gift vehicle.*

Paint the Silence- South. The first song that became an ode to Ryan & Marissa, even making a guest appearance in season 3 right before she kicks the bucket. When Ryan is hiding out in the model home, Marissa (who met him one day earlier, and has a BF) shows up and is all I made you a mix tape to think of me and this song was first. It also plays during their Ferris wheel mack sesh (sigh) and again like I said, in season 3 when Marissa is a moron banging Volchuck and needs to get a little sense in her head that her and Ryan are meant to be…until she dies in a fiery car wreck.

Screen Shot 2016-05-03 at 6.23.47 PM

Title And Registration- Death Cab for Cutie. Since Seth was sarcastic and into comic books and emo AF, we came to know many bands that were staples on The OC. Death Cab is one of them, and since they’ve had many songs on throughout the years I picked this one because it reminds me of high school. And because one of my BFF’s in 9th grade had this as his MySpace song. Were we cool, OR WHAT?

If You Need The Morning- La Rocca. A little OC-OTH crossover band. Teen soap street cred for La Rocca. This one was a fun beach jam probably when there wasn’t dramz for like 3 whole minutes. Also I was watching the other day and lolerskated away when in one episode, Seth was like spring is finally here Ryan! As if California doesn’t have spring year round. Jokes on jokes.

Hide and Seek- Imogen Heap. Without fail this song will make me laugh out loud and it’s supposed to be super dramatic. But every single time, I think about how it played in the background as Kirsten drank herself silly at Cal’s funeral and how my friend and I used to dramatically reenact it in slow motion. Oh yeah, and when Marissa shot Trey of course too. Hide and Seek gets a bad rep in Orange County. Shootings & alcoholism, cause that’s what Imogen does.

The Way We Get By- Spoon. A fun little rock ditty about being a degenerate and crushing life, which can be compared to living on the beach without a care in the world and having rich parents, probably. Remembs when Ryan got Theresa preggers and she saw how much he missed the luxury life so she was like jk never mind and he went back? That has nothing to do with this song but still makes me wonder how it was ever a realistic TV plot.

Forever Young- Youth Group. Ryan and Marissa were dumb I guess and in season 3 declared they didn’t have a song. Um, if they had read this playlist they would know that Paint the Silence was their song, but whatever, so they played radio roulette and this beautiful song happened to be what they landed on. Yeah. Right. Anytime I play radio roulette I land on the Christian channel with a pastor giving a sermon. I call bullshit, but whatever, stay forever young (especially you, Marissa, RIP grl.)

Honey and the Moon- Joseph Arthur. UGH. This song and that INFAMOUS lookback. You know the one I’m talking about, when Sandy brings Ryan back to Chino because he’s 2 bad 2 tha bone, and Marissa stands on the curb and the sun is shining just so and he looks back and they have a moment. With that much sexual tension in one look it’s an actual mystery how it took those took 3 seasons to finally do the damn thing.

 

The View- Modest Mouse. Love these sassy rockers. This song doesn’t score a monumental OC moment; it’s just fun and very Seth Cohen-esque.

Insomnia- Electric President. Pretty sure Marissa broods to this song at the pier while she downs a flask as only the most popular, privileged girl in school can. To be fair, her dad was run out of town again after getting nearly beaten to death for stealing money, so I guess she deserves a strong one.

Fix You- Coldplay. Ah, back in the day I had the ripped right from TV version of this song (S/O to Limewire) and got to hear Seth stand up for his lady as Prom Queen and Ryan surprise Marissa last minute. The joys of high school prom and the biggest tearjerker song in the world. Also Julie tries to murder Caleb during this lovely high school moment in a Bam-Bam inspired bikini. Except he dies before she can get the chance. Nothing quite like hearing “lights will guide you home” mixed in with the sounds of Caleb having a heart attack and drowning in the pool. Well played.

 

Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley. Although it would’ve seemed the more obvious choice was Imogen Heap’s version (and death march) of this song, I’ve included her on this playlist twice and I decided to toss it back to the OG of Hallelujah. This plays as Seth maturely sails away from his life, I think. One time I threatened to run away because I was mad at my parents and they were like great, get out of here and see how well you do living on the streets at the ripe age of 11. Suffice to say, I stuck it out a few more years…by a few more years I mean that I’m almost 25 and they’ll quite literally never get rid of me. (insert evil laugh) So Seth running away because Ryan knocked a girl up was supes immature. Don’t let your friend’s sex life affect you that much, bro.

Speeding Cars- Imogen Heap. It felt wrong to include Hide & Seek and not show that Imogen can be uplifting sometimes too. This one’s a happy beat and plays over the gang’s graduation. Ryan’s boozehound mom is there after finally pulling her shit together just in time for her son to leave home, Marissa walks with the gang (I don’t even remember how this is possible) and as per TV high school graduation standards, only the 5 main characters are called to receive their diploma!

If You Leave-Nada Surf. Remember when they tried to make Anna a thing? You know, the female Seth competing with bombshell Summer for his heart? Well she finally gets the hint that her newsboy caps are no longer welcome in The OC and she packs her bags and moves back to wherever she came from. Good riddance.

anna

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead- Stars. One of the more depressing jams from the show, the men are all sad pandas over their love lives, Seth is letting Summer go to Italy with Zach and probably bang one out, Ryan is with boring clarinet-playing Lindsey (his maybe half sister a thousand times removed) ya know, cause Marissa is a lez for five minutes, and Sandy is hanging with “dead” Rebecca. Get it together, boys.           

Wonderwall- Ryan Adams. Seth and Summer are finally togets and they slow dance in his room probably with Captain Oats watching and it’s just downright adorbs. Meanwhile Marissa and Ryan are breaking up for the thousandth time or something.

Maybe I’m Amazed- Jem. In the season one finale, Ryan has properly gotten that piece of T-rash Theresa knocked up in a shady hotel room and decides to move in with her and work construction to raise the baby. Instead of, I don’t know, telling his baby mama to move into his spacious AND FREE pool house and take care of biz there. It’s super dumb but obviously not as dumb as how he casually gets let off the hook two episodes later. Either way, at Caleb and Julie’s wedding he has a goodbye slow dance with Marissa that brings a tear to my eye. She’s all, don’t go, pretend it’s not yours and he’s all, I HAVE TO. Deuces.

Screen Shot 2016-05-03 at 6.27.29 PM

 

I’m Shakin’- Rooney. ROONEYYY!!! YAASSSS!!! The band that Oliver PERSONALLY knows and if so, does that mean he knows Mia Thermopolis, Queen of Genovia? Just wondering. Rooney performs live at the Bait Shop (cough cough Tric) and Oliver gets the gang backstage passes. Oliver’s a cr33p who makes me irrationally angry but Luke distracts me by being the dumbest jock to ever attend a concert, playing one of the guys’ guitars backstage and tone deaf shouting I’M SHAKIN over and over again. Having Luke’s dad be gay was the greatest thing that could ever happen to him. He was gone 2 soon from the show.

Champagne Supernova- Matt Pond PA. (If you didn’t have to pee when this song started, you will now.) It may seem that I’m shipping Ryan and Marissa and forgetting all about Seth and Summer…and that’s because I am. I mean, Marissa died. She deserves her love moments to shine. Seth and Summer were solid and destined to be forever. If Seth stayed with Summer during her hairy legs phase at college, you knew those two were going to go the distance. But either way, the greatest Seth and Summer scene ever is obv when she leaves Zach at the airport and surprises Seth for a rainstorm spidey kiss. I re-watched this episode so many times that I actually got the DVD stuck in my DVD player, so props for that. #KissGoals

spideykiss

Dice- Finley Quaye. Aforementioned cray cray Oliver didn’t stand a chance with Marissa on New Years Eve when Ryan rolls through at exactly midnight (after climbing a bazillion stairs, without so much as breathing heavily) for a kiss. No seriously, I walked up the stairs while on the phone the other day and my sister asked if I was having a heart attack. Anywho, as you might recall, these two were in a fight because Marissa told Ryan she loved him and he said thank you, cause he’s a boy and dumb. Wasn’t too dumb for the most romantic NYE kiss ever though. Cue the confetti.

nyekiss

California- Phantom Planet. Always toss the theme song into a TV playlist, and that’s obvious.            

bitch

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/2/16

1. THE KING IS BACK. 

When JT started teasing new music this week, I almost had to change my undies right on the spot. That’s how much I missed his beats. And him, in general. As I type this it’s Thursday night and I specifically stayed up 10 more minutes to hear it when it dropped at midnight. AND OBVIOUSLY IT’S FIRE FLAMES. When does summer officially start? May 6th. Put it in your science books because JT just started summer with this bangpiece. (Just so we’re all on the same page, we’re all pretending this isn’t a song for animated trolls.)

2. I mean, obviously.

Look I’m not a huge shipper of Gwen especially after she started dating Blake Shelton and the two of them tossed it in everyone’s faces constantly because they started banging on a show they both worked on (how original) but bring in Clooney and Julia Roberts and I’m sold. I mean seriously, I can’t sit still for 10 minutes without checking my phone or gazing off into space but these 10-15 minute carpool karaokes keep me riveted.

3. Let’s go back, back to the beginning. I follow the former Laguna Beachers on Insta specifically waiting for a moment like this. No seriously, if I unfollowed them and missed this it would sooook, which is why I put up with all the posts about how they’re so grown up and getting married and having babies and totally distancing themselves from when they were dumb high school idiots who threw bougie black and white parties and benefits at a hotel just so they could drink. Anyway, if this isn’t a teaser enough, something’s definitely brewing in the Laguna world with the B-list stars. I mean seriously…who invited Christina and Morgan to ever participate in anything entertainment related again? I’m also guessing JWahl is slumming it because his addiction appearances with Dr. Drew were drying up. Try all you want but ya’ll will never be LC. (Making Bambi inspired t-shirts for Kohls.) JK, JK. If you want to reminisce about Laguna before whatever this might be airs, check out my prized and well researched ‘Guna blog here.

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And……. Here we go! @alexmurrel

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Let's go back … Back to the beginning 😜

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4. A peek into my future if I have accidental kids. Female ensemble comedies are all the rage these days and here’s a new one about being shitty moms who like to party.

5. Tha Carters bathe in money. Beyonce dropped Lemonade a couple weeks ago about how Jay cheated on her, essentially cashing in on the ‘vator scandal. And everyone’s like ooohhh ahhhh, Jay-Z better WATCH HIMSELF. Uh, CTFD, this is obviously a business plan and part 2 is Hova’s response album. Cha ching, cha ching TIIDAALLLLLL. I wouldn’t be surprised if Blue hopped in the studio next for an exclusive Beyhive Jr. album. Anyway, I approve wholeheartedly. The world is a better place for getting to hear marital drama play out on spicy new songs. Plus the graphic tee world needed a refresh from all the “But first, coffee” tees and “Becky with the good hair” is a fine place to start. So thank you, Illuminati.

BONUS:

Their eyes are photoshopped right? Either way, Team Logan 4ever.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Trouble with the Truth”

rayna

Everyone sucked this week. Cash and Frankie sucked for being the worst characters ever, Maddie sucked for taking insufferable teen to an all-time peak, and Deacon sucked for having no self control over his hulk-like tendencies.

But first, and most hilariously, Juliette is nominated for an Oscar and now we KNOW we’re watching fictional television. To make it even less believable, the second the words come out of the announcer’s mouth, her phone starts ringing off the hook. Ok. When she calls Avery to tell him, it just so happens that he’s in bed with Layla and she chooses that exact moment in time to murmur sweet nothings next to the phone so that Juliette then finds out what’s going down. I wrote last week that Emily dropping that baby off said it all, but apparently Juliette’s a little slower on the uptake.

Same with Layla, who realizes that maybe Avery still loves Juliette because he peaces up outta there like the bed is on fire, giving Layla a gentle pat on the back as a thank you for the pork sesh. What a gent. Unfortunately for all of us, they have an adult conversation later (that Juliette spies on) and decide that even though Avery’s exit the morning after was preeetttyy insensitive, they should give this thing a shot. And Juliette decides to act maturely (why?) and tell Layla the truth about Jeff–they both cry but they’re still enemies in love with the same soul patch wimpster. Juliette also wishes aforementioned wimpster happiness. I’m guessing she understands what we all do, which is that Layla and Avery are a flash in the pan and will be broken up by series end. I’m saying series because I’m hoping, nay praying that this season will be the series finale.

In other news, Will gets some radio play and then gets shampoo in his eyes. And that’s the most difficult problem he has to face this episode. Just kidding, the world attacks him again for being gay and points the finger at Luke for having an agenda and trying to tell the American people what to feel. I think that’s what they were saying. I tuned out because it’s a repetitive story line. Either way, Luke is appearing left and right waving the rainbow flag while Will sits at home and wah-wahs again.

Speaking of ruining a good thing, Scarlett & Gunnar are in post-coital glow for about five minutes until the Rolling Stone reporter asks a bunch of questions about their history and digs up all their old shit. By the end of the episode, they’re barely speaking and are back to being “just the Exes.” Okay, you two, thanks for participating in will they or won’t they, we’ll see you in the same place next week.

And finally, onto all the people who suck. Maddie thinks being an adult is pulling your loose mermaid waves into an updo and donning a paisley smoking jacket, apparently. At the hearing for her emancipation, she pulls out the big guns and testifies that she doesn’t feel safe living in the same house as Deacon. Deacon is then called to the stand to testify on all of the people he’s beaten or killed in his lifetime (no biggie) all mouth-pieced from Frankie the jelly belly, who smugly watches from the back of the courthouse with his stupid tall hair. On what planet is it appropriate for a man over the age of 40 to have a pompadour? Don’t answer that. Cash should be embarrassed, especially if she’s trying to become famous.

maddie

After day one of court, Rayna sobs in Maddie’s bed and meanwhile Deacon goes to chitchat with Frankie and ends up getting framed for beating his ass when Frankie the turd threw the first punch. PS Kelsea Ballerini sings Peter Pan and she’s awesome and all, but those few minutes when Frankie is hamming it up with his customers and singing along to her song were some of the funniest in this show’s history. Deacon’s seething at him from the corner of the bar and Frankie’s doling out hugs and swaying to a teen country star’s song about her ex boyfriend. All the awards for that performance.

MARK COLLIE, CHARLES ESTEN

Then he ends up in the hospital with a broken nose and rib, and Deacon ends up in the slammer. I wonder if he’s near Teddy? Congrats Maddie on having both your dads in the big house. Rayna visits Deacon in jail and reminds him how G-D stupid he is. Ugh they’ve been married for 5 whole minutes do we really need to break them up this early? In Nashville plot, the answer is always yes. In the end, Maddie is granted emancipation and I’ve never felt the urge to punch a character in the face more. Especially when Cash hugs her and says “WE DID IT!” Cash you thirsty MF’er. You and Frankie with the erect hair need to GTFO. And that’s that.

 

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