RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Who Do You Believe?”

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Well I’m about as exhausted as most of these women should and would look–if they didn’t have a plastic surgeon on call. After B2B terrible seasons, this is looking like my Real Housewives swan (Not Hanky or Panky) song…after the unnecessary 3 weeks of reunions, of course, I will be retiring from RHOBH. I’m going to predict that Yolanda will be retiring with me. Unless she’s seriously hard up for cash, I doubt Yo will return to hanging out with a bunch of betches who talk shit about her.

But before we get into that, let’s relive the Dubai rundown that all of the women FORCED their husbands to endure. Well, not all. Rinna met with her manager to discuss an uncensored talk show that I’m gonna go ahead and guess didn’t pan out.

Erika meets with Yo to talk about how they traveled across the world to visit a shopping mall. And Lisa, Eileen and Kathryn all recap girl crime for their hubs. Ken’s kneejerk reaction: Rinna is dead to him. He then calls her a bunch of British derogatory names. This is the most British I’ve ever seen him and he’s calling Rinna a wanker. What a douchemachine. Vince asks Eileen if he can give his opinion and she replies with a hard no. Donnie’s the only one who seems genuinely interested, even using kewl nicknames like LVP to get to the bottom of it. What a dreamboat he is. But seriously, your husbands don’t care about a 3 month long fight and neither do we.

Kyle throws a party at her desert house, cause season finale & it’s an ideal time to bring the whole group back together for one final standoff. Yolanda rolls through in a hot red dress and her new buzzcut that isn’t at all new to us but she’s feelin herself real hard. And even though I’m not thrilled about her baby pompadour, I’m willing to agree that I’m feelin her look too. Erika and Kim finally meet and Kim’s first words to Erika are, your hair is so long. Great observation, Kim. Good to see your social skills are still on point. Erika talks about watching Escape to Witch Mountain, which as we all know is the quickest way to Kim’s heart.

Then Rinna arrives at the party and immediately pulls Yo aside to be like I talked shit about you. So there. She kind of apologizes? And also narcs on LVP. (Love that nickname, thanks Donnie.) I get that Rinna wants to be known as the person who, in her words “owns her shit” but saying she’s going to fess up to talking smack and quickly shitting her pants and trying to apologize for it are two different ball games. Either admit you’ve spent a whole season pooping out of your mouth about Yolanda, or don’t say anything at all. While we’re on the topic of not saying anything at all, Rinna announces that she has sweaty panties. Thanks for that visz, maybe don’t park your RB curtz next to a fireplace while drinking, Rinna.

Other happenings at Kyle’s party that didn’t have skanky white dresses and un-ironic Fat Burger were:

-LVP doubling down on her lies and Kyle continuing to suck from her teet.

-Kim decides to make up for lost screen time and have a go at Rinna—who ends up looking like a G-D saint in comparison. Shhh, Kim. “Just get better.”

-LVP apologizes to Faye. OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE TO APOLOGIZE TO.

Because this show is despicable, they gather Kathryn, Kyle and Lisa 2 months later to comment on Yolanda’s divorce. And by comment I mean make assumptions and guesses about someone else’s marriage. This is pretty poetic considering they spent the whole season making assumptions and guesses about Yo’s lyme. #FullCircle

Rinna and Eileen meet up separately—it’s the holidays and there’s a chill in the air, according to Eileen. Rinna is wearing a tank top. Oh, Eileen, you precious bumblebee you, It’s California, it’s not cold out. That’s about as obnoxious as me declaring in Upstate New York that it feels like spring right now. But back to chatting about Yolanda, the only storyline this season, Rinna essentially declares that the divorce/Yolanda’s relationship problems were making her sick. Yes, I repeat, “now that the divorce is public, she’ll be feeling so much better.” HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO STUPID?! QUICK—SOMEONE CUT TO ERIKA’S GLAM PREZ MIKEY DESCRIBING THE DEFINITION OF HUNTY AGAIN TO CALM ME DOWN.

Even though this season was about as fun as I imagine freezing your entire body would be, I’d like to give some snaps for Erika Jayne, who stayed real AF the whole time and truly entertained me. Keep doing you, mami.

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And Kyle, keep doing less.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Goodbye Dubai”

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It ain’t a trip until it lasts half a season, but of course. The lassies are still in Dubai, enjoying themselves thoroughly. And by enjoying themselves I mean holding grudges and having dinner fights. The gang is actually happiest when they’re being driven around a shopping mall in golf carts, because rich people cannot be bothered to walk from store to store. Kathryn gives Kyle a harsh reality check that cat eye sunnies maybe aren’t her cup of tea when she shouts “YOU LOOK HORRIBLE.” I think it’s safe to say that Kathryn is the shopping buddy every girl deserves, but not necessarily the one that we want.

Next on the agenda after going to a generic American mall set in a foreign country, is to take in the sights of said foreign country. So they check out the indoor ice skating rink. JUST KITTEN. The gals hit up the Burj Khalifa, which is the tallest building in the world. Olga, the tour guide slash receptionist at the ole Burj did that thing I hate by saying, “Hello, how are you” and the girls reply, “Good. How are you?” and she replies, “Well. How are you?” EVERYONE IS GOOD—or WELL IF WE’RE BEING PROPER ENGLISH SPEAKING DICKS, LET’S MOVE ON, OLGA. Legit fear, sometimes when this happens to me I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of the how are you cycle until I say, “Well.” It’s a real fear. Anyway, Eileen gets a pair of sweaty dogs because she’s nervous and doesn’t want to be up that high. Kyle is afraid of heights but miraculously recovers from her panic attack real quick for an observation deck selfie. Post photo-op, Lisa apologizes for like the 100th time to Eileen 2,000 feet in the air, because clearly Eileen and her soaked with sweat hooves are feeling self-conscious so it’s time for Lisa to swoop in. The apology, like all of the others is as fake as Kylie Jenner’s pout, right down to the evidence of Lisa running her lines with Kyle the night before.

Back in BH, Kim, Brandi and Yo have a juice and salmon filled picnic *with cloth napkins* while the mice are still away. Brandi wears probably the most hideous hat I’ve seen on this show, and that’s saying a lot since we had to see Eileen in a bucket hat last season. She also rocks a graphic tee that says, “It’s not fun to be sober.” I’m sure she’s wearing it in support of Kim because sobriety is for WIENERS. Apparently this is a nice segue into Brandi’s new venture into the t-shirt biz as she gifts Kim with a tee that says “Medicated” and Yolanda a tee that says “Sick”. When the chips are down, all you really need is an iron, letters and some cotton tees, I guess. You do you, Brandi. And every other recent male college grad in the Malibu area. What a gang these three are; the Medicated, the Sickling, and the Anti-Sober One. Sincerely yours, The Beverly Hills Club.

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In stark contrast from a picnic lunch where everyone wah-wahs about their lives, let’s check in on someone who can afford to fly her glam squad out for a vacation. Even though that’s still a real douchey move, I respect the fact that Erika shares her makeup crew with Kathryn for her birthday. This probably was her real prezzie—not the paperweight that cost 50 cents. Mikey and his boys, the perpetrators of a made-up term of endearment “hunty” (honey+cunty, OBV. EYE ROLL.) coach Kathryn into using the word “cunty” once and for all. Nothing gets a woman to cave faster than the person who has complete control of how her face looks on her b-day and roughly 10 minutes later, Kathryn is basically shouting cunty from the rooftops.

On a luxurious yacht, Kathryn’s mom calls her to wish her a happy birthday and like half the ladies start sobbing. Both Rinna and Eileen’s moms don’t remember who they are. So that’s some real depressing shit. I considered taking these women seriously for a millisecond during this human moment but then when Eileen spun a conversation about Alzheimer’s back to Lisa, the feeling went away just as fast as it had appeared. The Munchausen’s fight fires right back up again at dinner and that’s when I checked out and started googling shoes I deserve to own this spring and wondering if the Wilton Mall offers a golf cart service to get me from Forever 21 to Francesca’s. And I’m NOT talking about those furry animal rides kids pay a quarter to ride around the mall like it’s an amusement park. Although I wouldn’t hate taking one of those for a spin either.

Anyway, everyone leaves the table once Lisa and Kyle start fighting but not really fighting because they’re besties who I guess lie for each other. The camera crew captures a really special mind fuckery between the two where Kyle compares their relationship to an abusive one, as best friends tend to do (wtf?). Tensions are high, Kathryn gets snippy with Eileen and I’m surprised no one throws a proper temper tantrum and screams GET ME OFF THIS BOAT. Instead the rest of the women eavesdrop until Kyle tells Lisa to “eat her fucking chicken and be quiet” then tries to pretend they all didn’t just ruin Kathryn’s birthday by giving her a birthday cake. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATHRYN! 51 WOOHOO! YOU DON’T LOOK A DAY OVER 50 AND ALSO LET’S PRETEND THAT WE DIDN’T SPEND THE DAY OF YOUR BIRTH AND THE 6 VACATION DAYS BEFORE IT FIGHTING IN PUBLIC. MAKE A WISH, GIIRRRLLLL! Kathryn wishes for an early flight home, by herself. Probably.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Going Deep”

 

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Hey, hey, hey, we’re still in the Hamptons and everyone’s gotten over fangirling all up on Erika Jayne so now I’m bored. Last night’s final event of the trip is the opening of a pop-up shop for Kyle’s “Forever 21 for 50 Year Olds Trying Too Hard.” Seriously, do you see the fitted hats with glitter words in the above picture? Three of the girls wear pink to the event and Lisa almost rips their dresses right off them upon her arrival. Bethenny is still lurking around the wrong show and approaches Erika to apologize but not really apologize. Erika’s like we Gucci, I don’t concern myself with your opinions. Then we get into the juicy biz of gossip because not an episode goes by without a side conversation about Kim Richards that gives Kyle the uncomfies. Rinna thinks it would be approps to revisit last year’s feud with Kim so that she can declare that she caused Kim’s addiction and downward spiral. Oh, Rinna. Stop making everyone else’s problems about you. Kyle sneaks up on the group as they’re making her family’s deep-rooted issues about themselves and everyone gets REAL nervous. It’s like when you were in high school and your parents walk in on you and your friends talking about whose getting alcohol for your basement drinking on Friday night and instead of covering it up everyone just turns and stares at them, looking guilty. Surprisingly, Kyle handles it well and instead of losing her shit she shouts LET’S DRINK TO NOT CARING ABOUT KIM! WOOHOOOOO HAMPTONS.

The ladies all purchase their age inappropriate crop tops and booty shorts and then head back to Kyle’s for a dinner party. Obviously housewives can’t eat dinner without a little drama. Eileen and Lisa start yapping about their dumb disagreement over asking too many questions or whatever and Ken, WHO DOES NOT HAVE A G-D LIFE OUTSIDE OF FOLLOWING LISA AROUND, butts in and demands to know what Eileen’s talking to HIS WIFE about. Look, I can’t shit on Ken enough this season. It’s getting sad. He needs to find friends and stop attending all-female events and involving himself in bitch fights while Giggy sits on his lap. If he ever had a man card, it’s been set on fire this season.

Anyway, the conversation spins back to feuds past—so Erika can get caught up on all the shit she definitely already knows about. And while Kyle is addressing her demons with Kim’s addiction, Rinna tells us in her confessional, “Kyle’s sister is getting arrested left and right and it’s affecting me deeply.” Oh, it is, Rinna? Poor you. (I’m salivating over Kyle sinking her teeth into that sound byte at the reunion.)

Once the girls have politely sniffed at their lobster, Kyle feels like it’s an opportune time to play round robin of “what keeps you up at night?” I guess this is better than charades or whatever it was that ended with the girls calling each other slut pigs, but it doesn’t seem like it will go well at all. Lisa’s like, I don’t have any problems, tralala. And then…dare I say it. I laughed out loud at something Kyle said. She comes out of left field with the zing of the century for Lisa when she says; “Your biggest problem can’t be getting a mini pony onto a private plane.” Everyone’s shitting on Lisa for her first world problems and Eileen is like hey everyone I’ve been abused. Yikes, Eileen. Read the room. We rebound quickly from the heavy when Kyle is all, okay not to be selfish but… HAHAHA Kyle’s got jokes tonight. Seriously, she was on FIRE!

In other boring news, Erika cruises on over to Ohio in her private plane with shitty chamomile tea bags to pick up Yolanda after her surgery. We have to look at her disgusting implant photos again. Ralph city. And also, Faye Resnick is back. She’s here to design Kyle’s new closet the size of my apt and give unsolicited family advice. I wish Connie Britton played Faye Resnick in real life too.

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Next up—the Hero Dog Awards, where celebrities match their toy dog to their outfit and carry it around Pump with a cocktail. This party WOULD have been boring, had we not met the next newbie in the crew. I thought the day would never come, I mean she doesn’t even have a mildly offensive and definitely narcissistic tagline in the opening credits. If she did, maybe it would say that she’s introduced as Rinna’s friend, but Rinna clearly knows nothing about her. Not five seconds after Rinna’s like omg Kathryn I can’t believe it’s you; she brings up the most infamous celebrity murder in the past 30 years. You know, typical catching up chitchat. Apparently Kathryn was married to Marcus (OJ’s BFF, and possible sexual partner of Nicole Brown-Simpson) at the height of the whole thang. Rinna makes it no secret that the only things she knows about Kathryn she probably read in Faye Resnick’s memoir and therefore I’m guessing Kathryn’s title as “Rinna’s friend” is preeetttyyy loosey goosey.

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Looking to make this staged run-in more awkward? Look no further than Eileen who gets a case of the nervy word vomits and goes Hi Kathryn nice to meet you; I dated your ex-husband once. And we’re off! To a great start with Kathryn-no one knows her last name. Once Kyle brings Faye into things, it becomes very clear that maybe we should leave discussion of murder off the Real Housewives. The Kardashians are already involved in OJ. Let’s leave well enough alone, shall we ladies? We’ve boatloads of drama without involving an infamous homicide. JK we’re going to milk it for this season’s drama clearly because next week is Faye Vs. Kathryn to hash out 20-year-old beef. I do know one thing though. OJ’s been laying heavy on Rinna’s life and that’s definitely something we need to consider and console her for.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- “The M Word”

I just felt like maybe everyone needed to get a little crazy. You’re welcome. The good news is that my blog can’t be any worse than that. Did I do that on purpose? Obviously. Trick of the trade.

I wonder if Rosebud’s little nub legs stopped functioning properly because she was tortured with Erika Jayne’s music as a little donkey hybrid at the farm of misfit toys in Ohio. Who cares though, because Lisa has friends with cowboy hats to hand deliver TWO horses that aren’t retarded. These ones are from Texas…so suck it, Ohio. All memories of Rosebud are swept under the rug as Lisa bathes herself in tiny horse love. The love, it seems, is not very mutual as both horses refuse to enter her home and buck against their pink frilly leashes. As this all goes down, Lisa struts in front of them in awe of how calm they both are. It seems she’s still the most observant creature in all the land.

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I guess Ken’s birthday that we’ve now celebrated for 3 weeks in a row has ACTUALLY arrived, so the little toy breeds have been purchased JUST IN TIME. What’s more shocking than Lisa buying Ken a present for herself is probably the fact that Ken isn’t in a wheelchair with a neck brace. I thought for sure he would have at least sustained severe injuries from getting spiked into the pool at his own birthday party. KEN IS INVINCIBLE. He hates his birthday gift though because he’s the one who’ll have to pick up all the horse shit. HA-HA KEN. 70 years old but you still haven’t lost that colorful sense of humor. You haven’t fooled me for one second that you don’t have a specific human to pick up poop on staff at your Villa Rosa zoo of animals. I mean you have swans for Pete’s sake. THOSE THINGS SHIT ERREWHERE. Stop being so dramats and cuddle your freak horses before they probably die unexpectedly from complications of breeding tiny animals that are meant to weight 1000 lbs.

While we’re on the topic of sad things, let’s touch upon the fact that Erika can’t kick it with her husband during the day cause he has to WORK. Ugh, what a struggle. She does call him every five minutes to tell him what she’s eating though. JK she works really hard shimmying her gigantic ass into mesh bodysuit after mesh bodysuit. Then once said sequin nylon has been rippled over her T&A, she drops it down in front of a mirror. Satisfied with a day of hard work she goes home and calls Mr. Girardi to ask him what he’s thinking and what he’s doing and when was the last time he went to the bathroom.

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In boringland, Eileen and Vince meet for lunch because sometimes they go days without seeing each other. In Eileen’s words, sometimes they’re both working, and sometimes one is working and the other isn’t, and sometimes they’re both home. Whoa. Anyway, Vince WAS working…on his gambling at the track and won big. For a rich person to say that I was expecting it to be thousands and then he really let me down by saying it was like 600 bucks. That seems like chump change. Not to me personally…I won $12.50 at the track once and you would’ve thought I was Diddy at the bar that night the way I was flashing my winnings. I also don’t work in Hollywood soo….a little different. Also Vince made me laugh out loud when he tells Eileen she’s not allowed to yap at him until afternoon because she’s a caffeine monster. I support this wholeheartedly. If I had to interact with Eileen after java I would also tell her she had to play the quiet game until she’s tired herself out. Rules are rules.

Rinna lunches with her kids and continues to spend an exorbitant amount of time convincing viewers that her teens aren’t spoiled, meanwhile Kyle continues to show us that hers are obnoxxxxxxxious. They hit up the Piercing Pagoda—if that’s what you call a private jeweler who also apparently does piercings on the side. Sophia, as you recall is terrified of needles and made a G-D SCENE last time she got her ears pierced. She’s a real baby bitch about it and yet keeps getting her F’ing ears pierced on TV. This time around she wears shades inside. It didn’t distract from her high pitch screeching and tears. Her mom had to sit in her lap. Isn’t this girl in college?! Pull it together. Prayers to this lady at a high-end jewelry store putting up with these morons. Portia was up next and it was hysterics 2.0. She couldn’t even go through with it so she left with the ole one hoop look. Supes trendy.

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In a couples hang at Yo’s Malibu house (instead of germ-tastic condo), Erika wants David’s opinion on her music. He’s like errrr I only work with good musicians…sooo. Then Yolanda has a brilliant idea and suggests Erika Jayne join David onstage in a performance for the Pope and Andrea Bocelli. Do we think the Pope knows what “pat the puss” is? Cause he gonn’ LEARN.

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Even though Kim is no longer mumbling incoherent things on this show…doesn’t mean we can’t show clips of her mumbling incoherent things in made for TV movies. Lisa invites the ladies over to stare at her ponies but first they must gossip. Kim apparently threw some social media shade at Lisa and her penance is to be brutally made fun of by Bravo. I think we can all agree this was a win. After cutting to a clip of Kim at last year’s reunion saying she wouldn’t just do anything for a buck, they smoothly transition into her getting squashed by a shark in Sharknado 3. I truly appreciated the thinly veiled attempt to laugh at Kim’s expense. Andy Cohen giveth and taketh away as he pleases.

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Rinna gives me the ickies this week, which is rare, when she brings up Taylor’s dumb point again about Yolanda’s Instagram. Apparently Yo throwing a filter on some Canadian vacay pics means that she has Munchausen’s Disease. According to the Wikipedia page, which Rinna does a dramatic reading of, it means Yo is faking. Maybe if Rinna saw Yolanda’s health advocate divvying up baggies of pills like she was throwing Gogurt’s and Dunkaroos into a brown paper bag for lunch each day of Yo’s vacation, she wouldn’t be such a twat. Rinna then takes this time to make everything about herself and tear up for even taking part in a conversation that questions this. Rinna just bumped herself to the Yolanda shit list with that one. It looks like Eileen and Erika are the only Pro-Yo’s left. To lay on the disrespect, I have to then watch Kyle and Eileen chase two tiny horses around in stilettos and try to mount them. AH, MY EYES.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Horsing Around”

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Just cause we haven’t seen enough of the lavish European vacation; we kick off last night’s episode with Kyle and Lisa shopping in Italy. Kyle LOVES shopping in Europe because she likes telling people they can’t buy the same top as her unless they yacht to the Italian coast. What a twat. From the looks of it, they’re shopping on the Ponte Vecchio. To put things in perspective for us peasants, I studied abroad in Florence and the only time I walked across the Ponte Vecchio (the bridge of gold and expensive jewels) was to get to my favorite pizza place. In fact, I bought all the men in my family memorabilia covered in the statue of David’s dick. Now THAT’S how you shop in Florence.

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We also get a rare peek into Eileen’s lair, formerly known as a 65 year old’s cluttered attic. We see what Eileen is like in the morning after she’s had a cup of coffee and I would never want to have a sleepover with this bitch. Chipper city. Also what was the point of Eileen decluttering her house when she still LOST AN IPAD IN IT. She quite literally hid her iPad from her son and now CAN’T FIND IT in her trunk show that is a home. While trying to yip yap post-caffeine surge to her husband and son, Eileen teaches us all a little something when she says, “I don’t know what it is about men and boys, they can’t hear a female voice.” Eileen isn’t stupid. That’s scientific fact. Men physically are deaf to women. It’s been tested.

And of course, for your latest installment of pointless dinners specifically for nasty-other-cast-member gossip, Rinna, Eileen and Kyle gather. This dinner’s plot twist? Both Eileen and Rinna are wearing leopard. OMGAW flashback to when Brandi and Rinna matched in leopard. Moral of the story, it’s time for Rinna to declare the rule ala Mean Girls that no one else in the group can wear leopard print. It would be downright embarrassing if this happened a third time. Anyway, there’s some fodder about Kim escaping from rehab, which makes me laugh out loud to think of a woman who regularly tweeted “I love turtles”, devising a plan to snake her way out. Kyle feels bad talking shit about Kim so she shifts the topic to Yolanda, so can bring up her theory of depression again to a fresh set of ears. Just call her Dr. Richards. Boom. Yolanda is diagnosed and probably cured.

Speaking of morons doing moron things, Lisa and Rinna take a private jet to Ohio so that they can wear cowboy hats in the Midwest and look like a couple of assholes. En route, Lisa says she has her 4:45 AM face on and guess what? It looks like the face she has painted on at every other hour of the day. #IWokeUpLikeThis. I never ranked Lisa as a dum dum but when she asked if Ohio was expecting a hurricane I was stunned. Then she rolled the window down in the middle of a rainstorm and was surprised when water came pouring into the limo. New discovery: Lisa is real stupid. It also turns out the mini horse is super chunky and has a bum leg…probably from trying to support all that weight. They jet back without the horse that will most likely be sent to the glue factory. T’s and P’s for Rosebud. (That was her name right? Who knows. It was wearing a pink tutu to distract from its dead leg.)

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Side note: Rinna has a kickass leather jacket collection. I want all in on that.

FINALLY we get a new character. Erika Girardi makes her colorful debut as Yolanda’s “friend.” They do something with IV’s (all YoYo does anymore) where Erika tells us, ‘”I’m 44 years old but I look great.” I can already tell she’s going to be fun to recap. THEN we get more back-story. Erika was a cocktail waitress and married her customer, a famous lawyer (ala Erin Brockovich) who happens to be twice her age. She calls him Mr. Girardi and it’s SO creepy. Lotta Anna Nicole Smith comparisons to be drawn with this one. Girl also has an alter ego named “Erika Jane”. Alter ego Erika is someone who belongs in a Vegas strip club but APPARENTLY has topped the billboards several times with dance jams. Bravo is really filling the void left behind by Carlton’s sexual prowess. Erika throws on a see-through onesie and practices her writhing choreography that is very popular in the Red Light District. I’m rubbing my hands together with glee for what’s to come with Erika once she meets all her newly hired gal pals and alcohol is in the mix!

And since we haven’t quite celebrated it enough, Ken’s 70th birthday deserves a lavish English tea decorated for a woman. Lisa’s party trick is leaving a tree of extravagant hats at the entrance and making the ladies try to kiss each other’s cheeks by way of hat brims. They CAN’T EVEN and it’s hilarious. A party is the perfect occasion for the ghosts of housewives past to remind us that they’re still alive. Taylor’s moving back cause Real Housewives of Denver never really took off. Camille also rolls through and we didn’t get to see nearly enough of her.

Instead they focus on Taylor and her big honking mouth as she shouts about how she “likes” Yolanda’s instas out of pity but really is exhausted with her posts. Hey Taylor, it’s called unfollow. Stop trying so hard to be relevant. Kyle draws attention to her hat and lipstick combo no less than 10 times and Lisa gives a dirty toast to Ken referring to his current age. If I was Pandora I would jump off a bridge at my parents joking about 69’ing each other at dad’s birthday dinner.

It starts to rain and god forbid it rain when everyone is wearing hats…Kyle takes the rain as a sign to liven things up and suddenly all the girls are in the pool. It’s nips out for the boys because the ladies are all conveniently free-boobin’ it in white dresses. Lisa complains about this impromptu swim ruining her classy high tea and YET her hot pink thong is out to play. In the end, Ken is pushed in the pool and I literally thought he was dead. I gasped as he lie there lifeless for a second before all the bitches in see through dresses surrounded him and bounced around like a scene straight out of the Playboy mansion. Except everyone’s super old, not just Hef (or in this case, Ken…who as it turns out, survived his near drowning.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/1/15

1. Amy Schumer crushes Glamour’s Trailblazer Acceptance speech. Full disclosz: this speech was suuuuper inapprops,but also hilarious. It’s a dream of mine to one day also win an award from a well-established magazine in a foreign country and drop the term “cum dumpster” in my acceptance speech. Keep on keepin on, Amy…you give me life goals.

2. Iggy Azalea stole my future engagement ring. Swaggy P got down on one swagalicious knee and proposed to Iggy Azalea this past week and gave her largest canary diamond I could ever dream of trying on my dainty finger.

Jelly is an understatement for how I’m feeling about this rock. Hey future husband…if you’re out there and reading my stupid blog scheming up the best way to sweep me off my feet it’s with this exact ring, so like start saving or rob a bank or something and make it happen. Also please be tall. Thank you and goodnight.

3. Full House released unauthorized nightmares. This is the cast pic.

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It’s so ridiculous that even Uncle Joey tweeted it out and was like LAWLZ. So I guess you could say they nailed it.

4. Kim Richards is outtie 5000 on Real Housewives and Kyle Richards is producing a show about their childhood. One Sisters Richards bows out of the reality TV show that probably fueled her alcoholism (it’s for the best) while another Sisters Richards decided to exploit their childhood for a new show on TVLand. Sounds about right. Most importantly…what does Kathy Hilton think about all of this?! Stay relevant, ladiezzzz.

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5. Juicy Tidbits. Lance Bass posts a 90’s-licious TBT of the Spice Girls chumming with N*SYNC in what looks like a mall before any of them were famous. Everything about this picture is glorious, from Posh’s bitch face right down to JT’s Native American felt clogs.

Marky Mark is 44 today…dayyyummnnnn. (obviously an excuse to post the infamous CK photo)

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Miles Teller gets his solo groove on and dances us into the weekend. CUT LOOSE.

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