Tag Archives: Juliette Barnes

Nashville, Television

Nashville-“Maybe You’ll Appreciate Me Someday”

(Ehhh…probably not.)

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OH BOY. We are finished. The series of Nashville is dunzo (until they grovel so hard for a spot on Hulu and I pretend it no longer exists.) I counted down the minutes this episode, urging everyone to get their shit together by the very last frame. And they did. Sort of.

Let’s start with some LoLz. Colt facetiming Luke from “the army” wearing a camo bucket hat. They really made that one believable. How did he get his ass kicked for defending his dad’s liberal views and yet doesn’t get his ass kicked for rocking that bucket hat? Seems fishy, is all.

Let’s check in with Maddie for a hot sec. She’s still doing the NYC thing and upon meeting her producer, takes a kissy-faced selfie with him. SHE’S SO MATURE AND DESERVING OF AN EMANCIPATION. While shamelessly stalking their daughter on Instagram, Rayna reveals that Maddie’s producer Vince is the same one who tried to give her some unsolicited kissing back in the day. Deacon’s all, you don’t say! As he puts on his readers and goes in for a closer look. Just don’t accidentally double tap, Deacon! Every insta-creepers’ worst fear. Rayna somehow escaped the clutches of Vince back then (probably by flipping her magic hair and telling him to suck it) but she’s pretty concerned about Maddie. Probably because Maddie’s an idiot who would probably ask Vince mid-rape if he would mind posing for a quick snapchat (with the dog filter obvi.)

That may seem like a harsh assumption but when Vince drops the “I’m having some people by my private studio, you should stop by” line and Cash the wannabe is like WE’RE SO THERE, it doesn’t reeeaaallyy seem like a great idea. The second they walk in Maddie has her dumb phone out for a selfie. I want to hulk smash that phone out of her hand. More to come on the Maddie front but I’m irrationally angry about what a moron she is at the moment.

So we’re going to chat about Scarlett, whose southern accent gets more hick every time I hear it. My ears will be #blessed without it penetrating them every week. After another encouraging chat from that manager who’s only lines have been about headshots and tour offers up until this very last episode (cheers to you for finally getting your time to shine as a character in the series finale, guy) Scarlett decides to word vom it up to Gunnar that she loves him. Aaaand then Big Red comes tromping in like bull in china shop and is all omgggg you told her we’re together?! Die away from me, Red. She then manipulates Gunnar to believe Scarlett doesn’t really mean it, the Exes break up for a hot second, manager flexes his acting skills again with another pep talk and bingo bango, you’ve got a live Exes reunion when Gunnar plants one on Scarlett mid-concert. This generates an AWWWW for all normal people, and hysterical laughter from me. Be more predictable, Nashville. You can’t.

JK they totes can because guess whose garbage can devious plan went up in flames around her? Laaaaaayla. (Pls sing in Eric Clapton voice for full effect.) As she sees her sham of a publicity relationship with Avery going downhill, she calls in an anonymous tip to the paps that Juliette killed the Jeffster. There’s lawsuits and headlines and Juliette’s like whatever I’m over it, let’s do this thing. Kind of pokes a hole in Magnum Layla PI’s course of action here. I’ve never seen someone try so hard just to date a guy with a flavor savor. Gross. Glenn loses his shit on Layla, knowing exactly what she did and fires her. When you get yelled at by Glenn, you know you’ve hit rock bottom. At the same damn time, Luke tells Avery that Layla has known forever and it’s byeee bye bye bye bye to her career…and relashe. Juliette comes clean at the Oscars, proving how much she’s matured and Avery is like okay you may come back to us now that I know you almost offed yourself just because I divorced you. So everything’s roses for mommy, daddy and forever screeching baby Cadence. Right?

In the trend of full-circle character development, now that Will has decided to speak of his gayness on a political talk show, he’s fully embracing the community. He rallies some wily gays in Atlanta via Kevin (who’s newly single) to protest outside of Cynthia’s studio. In turns into a quick pop-up concert with a duet between Luke and Will that has Kevin soaking his undies out in the audience. Will finally gets his shot to appear on the show, crushes it, obviously and then gets some sage advice from Luke about going after Kevin. “You never know if you’ll get a second chance, until you take a chance.” Wow, Luke. That was PROFOUND. Sounds like it belongs in one of your shitty songs. Either way, both boys take that chinese proverb to heart. Kevin and Will are back at it again and not one for leaving a character without a happy ending—Luke tries to reunite with his ex-wife who we never once heard anything about and even chats it up with his daughter. Cause like, apparently he has other kids too, who didn’t witness a man tumble to his death and then join the army to escape it.

Alright, now that we’ve tied up all of our supporting characters’ lives neatly with a bow, let’s get back to the insufferable Maddie and her forever front-facing camera. Rayna can’t figure out a way to warn her because as Desperate Deacon points out, “she blocked us on Twitter!” Gawd, can you imagine your mom tweeting at you not to get raped by your producer? #AWKWARD. Rayna does her one better and pens an open letter to Huff Post. This is why you never underestimate Rayna James. Oh, I can’t call my daughter? Cool, I’ll just have my message to her published in a national newspaper in five minutes. Boom. Roasted.

Deacon continues to cr33p so hard on Maddie’s insta, refreshing it every 30 seconds—and this is why parents shouldn’t be on social media—but lookie, lookie, finds her #PartyAtVincesHouse post. For someone whose constantly on social media, that hashtag bloooows. Act like you’ve been here before, Maddie. In fact, I’ll whip up a caption 1000x better for your right meow. How about #PhotobombPervAlert or #WatchOutForViolationVince? I could go on for days. Jus sayin. While Rayna and Daphne sing a duet (only Rayna gets a rhinestoned mic…in due time Daphne, in due time) Maddie finds her mom’s letter and finally stops being a dum dum. Except Vince has Maddie pinned down and Deacon comes plowing through at the exact right second to stop it. So does Cash…cause I guess she’s done chitchatting with Chris Martin (it pains me that they brought Coldplay into this.) BYEEEE CASH!! Hope you had a fun ride on the coattails of a sixteen year old! Deacon brings Maddie home and they all have a life that’s good. Weird. Who called that?

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And that’s all folks! PSYCHE, as Juliette is skipping the Oscars to race home to her fam, her plane has a distress call and she probably died. Guitar Riff. She didn’t win an Oscar either. Tough night for Juliette. But like, at least everyone else lived happily ever after! Even Luke! (Probably not Teddy..) Sucks to suck, Juliette. Thanks for turning into a gr8 person just to maybe die, or at best, get lost at sea. Cause Nashville is surrounded by seas. Ok whatever. Let’s end the series on an uplifting note. Known for his shitty toupees and success relying directly upon Juliette, Glenn has kind of gotten the short end of the stick in this series. But him in those blue glasses at the Oscars? HoT DaMn! What a stud.

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Welp that’s all I got. Thank you for allowing me to shit on this show every week and make it more bearable to watch by poking fun at it. Hope you weren’t banking on a streaming service comeback as much as the writers who stuck us with that cliffhanger were. BYE YA’LL.

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(if you ever get lonely and have the nostalgic Nashville feels, hop right onto my playlist for a trip down memory lane of all the best music moments.)

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Nashville, Television

Nashville “It’s Sure Gonna Hurt”

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The time has come. ABC has spoken and Nashville is dunzo. IT’S ALL OVER CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. Okay sorry. If that sounded celebratory it’s because it 100% WAS. When your show goes off the rails, has storylines a monkey could write and becomes a chore to watch, it’s time to get the ax and I’m just glad that ABC finally saw that. What once was a show with phenomenal music and spicy love triangles turned into predictable garbage and I think this is the proper time to bid it farewell. Especially now that everyone is in a position to get back togets and love each other for a life that’s good. (Except Maddie, YIKES.) I’m going to promptly ignore the desperate pleas of the cast/fans to get it picked up somewhere else like Hulu or Netflix because after next week, Nashville is dead to me.

Moving on from the good word and onto last night’s episode where they decided to add fuel to the already flaming dumpster fire by creating a cameo from the ear-shattering cast of The View. Luke makes yet another appearance to wave that rainbow flag while Will sits at home with his feet up, chatting with daddy. The dramatics continue when Luke finds out Colt got jumped at boot camp because of the gay pride tour Luke has been on lately. Except it turns out that Colt actually threw the first punch because he was defending dear ole dad. Back in Nashville, a gay guy hides in the shadows at Will’s house to confrontationally tell him that Will’s coming out made him comfortable in his own skin. This seems like an aggressive thing to do just to encourage someone to speak up. Either way, it works and Will is like k I’m ready to talk about being gay now. ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

Red AKA Autumn Chase is going to see her BFF Elton John perform in Boston and poaches Gunnar for the trip while Scarlett the little Dutch boy (that hat though) goes to shoot a solo commercial in Chicago. Gunnar sings with Elton onstage and Scarlett has a super d33p convo with the pushy photographer. On what planet does a photographer hired for a shoot kick everyone out and sit down with the subject for therapy? Anyway, after their chat Scarlett boohoos real hard and we get a quick flashback of early Scarnnar days when they were just babies making beautiful music and lovin all up on each other. This forces Scarlett to admit that she loves Gunnar rriiiiiighhhtttt about the same time that Gunnar bangs Autumn “can’t take a hint” Chase because he felt guilty taking all her celeb favors for free.

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In other, couples that should be together and will be by the series finale news, Avery and Juliette are slowly finding out that their flings are stupid. Layla and Avery are acting couply as shit, which is pretty vomit inducing. Until Avery sees that Noah West has stopped by Juliette’s for the evening and he gets jelly belly of Noah playing dad to his demon child. Stressed about it, he nearly saunters offstage at the FAKE Bluebird mid-performance to answer his cell when he sees that Juliette’s calling.

Juliette and Noah go on their first “date”, which consists of taking care of an infant that screams every time two adults try to kiss and then watching Tommy Boy. Noah thinks Tommy Boy is the worst movie ever and Juliette loves it so she breaks up with him because they have NOTHING in common. At least she gave him a fair shot.

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And lastly, Deacon and Rayna are in couples therapy cause they’re DYSFUNCTIONAL AF. Rayna doesn’t really care about fixing her relationship with Deacon; she just wants Maddie back as she cuddles in Maddie’s bed clutching a framed picture of her like she’s dead. You know, real healthy stuff. In their own bed later, Rayna and Deacon touch hands so THEY’RE TOTES BACK TOGETS AND NO PROBLEMS HERE, YO! Tune in next week for the grand finale! Will Maddie come back or is she gone 2 soon? Is Teddy still rotting in prison? Will we get the ghost of Jeff Fordham? Or will we just get a really schmaltzy episode of their best duets and everyone reuniting to live happily ever after in Music City?

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “After You’ve Gone”

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What a sad, sad montage to kick off this week’s episode. Rayna’s onstage crooning while an orange-vested Deacon scrubs graffiti off of a concrete wall. #JUXTAPOSITION. Oh, and Maddie does her best sexy flirty pout while Cash stage-moms it up from the side. Although it may look like she’s practicing her I’m innocent while also being slutty persona, she’s actually prepping for an auction. Yes that’s right, she wants a record company to bid on her like a piece of meat.

But before we get to that let’s clap it up for Avery this week because THEY LET HIM SING BY HIMSELF!!! On a stage!!! That’s SO season 1. He’s jamming so hard and feeling gr8 about life that he takes that adrenaline and smashes Layla against the wall out back for a mack sesh. Turns out she paid this photog to be there so she could get more press. Avery and Layla have a fight about being a “famous couple” and I wonder if Layla knows that a few short weeks ago Avery was singing commercial jingles for like barely a hundo.

Juliette gets a Google alert of Avery and Layla’s paid for public smooch while she’s shoving ice cream into her ice cream hole. NOT a good look. You know what else isn’t a good look? Using a picture of the ex while she’s mid-sneeze printed next to the tonsil hockey. That’s cold even for a gossip rag. Obviously she needs a hot date to get back at Avery and after a quick run-in with Kesha (thanks for stopping by, grl) Juliette ends up with movie hunk that was after her V when she was preggers. They bang and he wants to have a relashe, I’m assuming just until the end of the season when Juliette and Avery get back together.

Will’s mom died and he’s not allowed at the services. It’s also his fault she died, you know, cause he’s gay. He showed up anyway and whatdya know the church didn’t burn to the ground! His dad still hates him but at least when someone calls Will a homo, Papa Lexington is like NOT IN MY HOUSE…cause like only he can call his son homophobic slurs.

Anyway, back to the meat and potatoes, the dumpster fire that once was a happy lil family singing about how they don’t care about materialistic things, they just want a life that’s good. LoLz. The Beverly is no more and that became obvious when one owner filed a restraining order against the other. Deacon is tossing it around that maybe he should drown himself in booze again since he’s lost EvErYtHiNg. Tandie is back to babysit Daphne. I feel like maybe Daphne is a little old for bedtime stories, but Auntie Tandz disagrees and tells her a long tale of how history is repeating itself and Maddie=younger Rayna. I’m sure that’s comforting for Daphne to hear that her and her sister probably won’t talk for years.

Rayna sleuths on over to the auction after convincing a friend to sign Maddie. I’m sorry, I guess it’s Maddie JAYMES now. Because as if she couldn’t get any worse, ripping her mom’s famous last name from her AFTER declaring she doesn’t want her as a mom anymore SEEMS A LITTLE BIT RIDICULOUS. What a dirt move. Almost as dirt as signing with the New York label, which she obviously does. Adios, Maddie Jaymes, hope you’ll enjoy the big apple with Cash residing directly up your ass.

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Trouble with the Truth”

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Everyone sucked this week. Cash and Frankie sucked for being the worst characters ever, Maddie sucked for taking insufferable teen to an all-time peak, and Deacon sucked for having no self control over his hulk-like tendencies.

But first, and most hilariously, Juliette is nominated for an Oscar and now we KNOW we’re watching fictional television. To make it even less believable, the second the words come out of the announcer’s mouth, her phone starts ringing off the hook. Ok. When she calls Avery to tell him, it just so happens that he’s in bed with Layla and she chooses that exact moment in time to murmur sweet nothings next to the phone so that Juliette then finds out what’s going down. I wrote last week that Emily dropping that baby off said it all, but apparently Juliette’s a little slower on the uptake.

Same with Layla, who realizes that maybe Avery still loves Juliette because he peaces up outta there like the bed is on fire, giving Layla a gentle pat on the back as a thank you for the pork sesh. What a gent. Unfortunately for all of us, they have an adult conversation later (that Juliette spies on) and decide that even though Avery’s exit the morning after was preeetttyy insensitive, they should give this thing a shot. And Juliette decides to act maturely (why?) and tell Layla the truth about Jeff–they both cry but they’re still enemies in love with the same soul patch wimpster. Juliette also wishes aforementioned wimpster happiness. I’m guessing she understands what we all do, which is that Layla and Avery are a flash in the pan and will be broken up by series end. I’m saying series because I’m hoping, nay praying that this season will be the series finale.

In other news, Will gets some radio play and then gets shampoo in his eyes. And that’s the most difficult problem he has to face this episode. Just kidding, the world attacks him again for being gay and points the finger at Luke for having an agenda and trying to tell the American people what to feel. I think that’s what they were saying. I tuned out because it’s a repetitive story line. Either way, Luke is appearing left and right waving the rainbow flag while Will sits at home and wah-wahs again.

Speaking of ruining a good thing, Scarlett & Gunnar are in post-coital glow for about five minutes until the Rolling Stone reporter asks a bunch of questions about their history and digs up all their old shit. By the end of the episode, they’re barely speaking and are back to being “just the Exes.” Okay, you two, thanks for participating in will they or won’t they, we’ll see you in the same place next week.

And finally, onto all the people who suck. Maddie thinks being an adult is pulling your loose mermaid waves into an updo and donning a paisley smoking jacket, apparently. At the hearing for her emancipation, she pulls out the big guns and testifies that she doesn’t feel safe living in the same house as Deacon. Deacon is then called to the stand to testify on all of the people he’s beaten or killed in his lifetime (no biggie) all mouth-pieced from Frankie the jelly belly, who smugly watches from the back of the courthouse with his stupid tall hair. On what planet is it appropriate for a man over the age of 40 to have a pompadour? Don’t answer that. Cash should be embarrassed, especially if she’s trying to become famous.

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After day one of court, Rayna sobs in Maddie’s bed and meanwhile Deacon goes to chitchat with Frankie and ends up getting framed for beating his ass when Frankie the turd threw the first punch. PS Kelsea Ballerini sings Peter Pan and she’s awesome and all, but those few minutes when Frankie is hamming it up with his customers and singing along to her song were some of the funniest in this show’s history. Deacon’s seething at him from the corner of the bar and Frankie’s doling out hugs and swaying to a teen country star’s song about her ex boyfriend. All the awards for that performance.

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Then he ends up in the hospital with a broken nose and rib, and Deacon ends up in the slammer. I wonder if he’s near Teddy? Congrats Maddie on having both your dads in the big house. Rayna visits Deacon in jail and reminds him how G-D stupid he is. Ugh they’ve been married for 5 whole minutes do we really need to break them up this early? In Nashville plot, the answer is always yes. In the end, Maddie is granted emancipation and I’ve never felt the urge to punch a character in the face more. Especially when Cash hugs her and says “WE DID IT!” Cash you thirsty MF’er. You and Frankie with the erect hair need to GTFO. And that’s that.

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Baby Come Home”

 

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I realize this is almost a week late and I would apologize but I took all of last week off from blogging because I decided that I deserved it. On the bright side, I was vacationing in Nashville for the better part of last week and therefore we can count it as research. To which I will tell you that The Bluebird Café is not a lovely wooden bar with twinkly lights and celeb status, it is a hole in the wall located directly next to a McDonalds in the middle of nowhere and you are charged 3 extra fees just to sit inside it for 2 hours. *QUIETLY* So there’s some TV magic ruined for ya’ll.

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Anyway, since we’re talking about things ruined, let’s talk about how baby Cadence is the human form of a C-block. When Avery and Layla finally, no surprise to anyone, smooch on their tour bus of love, Cadence lets out a howl that says, “no one will be getting any on this bus.” Then later on, after Juliette tries her typical manipulation to get Avery onstage with her, she finally fesses up and tells him she still loves him and they should try again. At the pucker of Juliette’s lips, Cadence turns on the waterworks. Congrats you two, you created a monster. Avery found a quick way around that though when he has Emily drop the little cockblock off at Juliette’s room to signify that he’ll be having a slumber party elsewhere. Ugh. Terrible decision, Avery. Calling Juliette during sex would’ve been less mean than using your own child as a flag to wave that you’re getting laid.

In related “things that were obviously going to happen” news, Scarlett and Gunnar get stuck in an elevator because the show needed a small place for them to finally harness their sexual tension and face it head on. Their foreplay is whiskey and “If I Didn’t Know Better.” They bang and that’s obvious.

And onto our melodramatic teen that wants to, in Daphne’s sad, sad words “divorce her family”, we’ve added Teddy back into the equation, which I think is pretty lolworthy because a few recaps ago I mused if he even still existed. Lo and behold, here’s Teddy still rotting in jail, except now he’s being asked to sign off on the emancipation before Maddie takes it to court. Maddie visits her fake dad in jail and is all, Deacon attacked some guy at the club feeling me up, so you can see how unfair this is, sign the papers and side with me. Except not so fast…Teddy reveals he only signed Maddie to Edgehill because of the whole blackmailed for banging a hooker thing. Remember that? The thing that got him thrown in the clink to begin with? Well, it didn’t really help the whole lying/manipulating parents sitch, whoopsie, so Teddy has been dismissed from the show, probably forever.

On Rayna’s side, she gets to that little snake Cash and threatens her with, “I will make sure no one from music row to lower broad will ever work with you again.” Cash should be shaking in her boots because Rayna basically owns Nashville and also since I’m a recent tourist of the city, I know that those are actual neighborhoods there. Ask me where they are and I will tell you I have not a clue. At one point I discovered I was in music row because a new snapchat geo-tag showed up that said “Music Row”. I know, I’m a genius.

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Rayna catches Maddie at a vulnerable moment and thinks she gets her to call the whole deal off, then Maddie shows up last minute at the Opry to play with Daphne for a benefit. Except it turns out she didn’t LOVE what Rayna said to Cash and the emancipation is STILL ON. She only showed up to prove that Daphne and her are still sisters even though she’s bare-handed ripping this family apart. Everyone cries, including Rayna whose singing. I wouldn’t feel fab about paying for tix at the Opry and having the lead act cry onstage. PS I’ve been on that stage, NBD but KBD. Double PS, if you ever go to Nashville, skip the Opry backstage tour because it is literal dirt, and they wheel in a TV (substitute teacher style) with Deacon Clayborne on it to read the history of their soundstage. I see him every week on my TV; I don’t need to pay $35 for it. Alright, I’m done yapping about my life. See YA next week in court.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Didn’t Expect It To Go Down This Way”

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Since I definitely lost sleep over whether or not our new minor character that’s only been in like 2 episodes is okay, let’s get this right out of the way. Riff told his wife he’ll be home when he’s “good and ready”, which is a mature adult thing to do. Then he’s admitted to a hospital for having a stroke, as a result of days of boozing, pills, Viagra, and sex. And the cherry on top of the disgusting sundae that is Riff’s extracurriculars, he was found and brought to the hospital by an escort. Well, well, looks like the family man and hot dad has a darker than drunk Deacon side to him. All because of tour life. SO I guess he’s out!

The Exes are still IN on tour with that devious AF country singer. New revelation: Autumn’s neighbor is James Taylor, of course and she uses it to lure Gunnar like she’s driving by a bunch of kids with a free candy van. Gunnar is like I LOVE JAMES TAYLOR and then she’s like k come BY YOURSELF and he realizes there’s a potential rape in the mix and says no thank you. Was that too aggressive to compare Autumn to a chomo? Probably. Do I care? Never. She also buddies up to Scarlett for a little spa day and so Gunnar’s like k, everyone’s friends so I guess it’s okay if I go to Autumn’s hotel room by myself.

Don’t call it a comeback but Juliette has breakfast with Glenn and Emily (because she pays them to be around her at all times) and she’s like, GANG’S ALL BACK TOGETHER! Avery decides to be bandleader to Layla’s tour and she promptly inserts her lips to his ass and gives him her bedroom on the tour bus, complete with crib. Except since Riff is now unconscious or whatever (some people just can’t handle strippers&blow, amirite?) there’s a headlining spot on the tour open, so Juliette obviously adds herself to the bill and is like hey ya’ll I’m BACK FO REALZ. LoVe TrIaNgLe.

Ya boy Will is having some love troubles surfing Grinder because he’s jelly AF that Kevin has been sharing Pinot with another man. He doesn’t have to swipe right for long because lo and behold there’s some man candy in his backup singers crew who won’t stop drooling over him. Obviously in cringeworthy events he invites him out for a beer thinking it’s a date and this guys is straight AF. LoLz dating faux pas. Backup singer also offers to hook Will up with his gay cousin, what a gent. And also kind of a moron. “Hey I know a gay person, you should mate!”

And last but certainly not least, Maddie’s such a wild child and a bad gurrrrl that she snuck right on out of the house before she could be punished for sexing it up onstage and getting a creeptastic leg caress. AND DAPHNE BLAMES HERSELF. That sweet, sweet cherub. Rayna rolls into Cash’s place guns blazing looking for Maddie and Cash is like check this out your hubs is SO aggressive and conveniently pulls up a quick vid. Rayna tosses her hair and tells Cash to suck it, or at least she should have because Cash deserves a good SUCK IT. After Rayna leaves Maddie comes out of her hiding place, how she could have ever hidden in time when Rayna rolled up that quick is TV MAGIC. Maddie wails about how her parents JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HER and Cash is like k but your mom gave you a record deal… So the two of them put their idiot teenager heads together and decide to get Maddie emancipated so she can sign with Sony, become a preteen super star and shave her head/have a drug addiction by 18. Even better, Maddie’s probably going to live with Cash who’s like obsessed with her or something. Gr8 plan!!! But like, maybe if Deacon weren’t such an angry elf this all wouldn’t have happened.

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PS- total props for the Thomas Rhett cameo of singing the most romantic adorbsies song ever. Kind of makes up for all the name drops they throw around and don’t follow through on. Kind of.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “When There’s A Fire In Your Heart”

CONNIE BRITTON, ALICIA WITT

So it looks like our new faux country star Autumn Chase may hang around for more than one episode and whoopsie, secret’s out, she’s kind of a Twat. Within the first five minutes on tour, The Exes watch her fire a roadie in front of everyone. But in the NICEST way possible. She’s all we’re gonna go ahead and get you a flight back to Nashville…sorry! WHAT a DIVA. Then she bullies her new openers into spilling their relashe goss. They tell her everything because they’re terrified of getting fired and she obviously blabs it to anyone who will listen. Girls’ got a point though—in what world does a guy end up in a band with the girl who turned down his proposal. When Scarlett fearfully asks Fall Autumn to cut the shit, she’s like OF COURSE THANKS FOR SPEAKING UP #FEMINISM and then gets an evil look clearly growing her talons to insert into Gunnar.

Layla’s still trying to force herself on Avery but it’s looking like nice Juliette might swoop back in for the W after all. She goes to Avery for help when she realizes that asking for Glenn to be her manager again probably wasn’t going to erase all the terrible things she did to him. The ole married couple works together to get Glenn to the Grand Ole Opry where Juliette does a surprise serenade for her “father”. Nice Juliette is REALLY laying it on thick. It works, obviously and Glenn is like a sappy lil bitch agreeing to manage and dad for her again.

Maddie’s like so blasé about her first break up. It’s all good, Colt just wasn’t her guy, she wrote about it with Cash, so whatevs. It took me like six weeks to get over the crush I have on a hot bartender…but I guess that’s the power of songwriting. Except songwriting just isn’t enough for Maddie anymore. She wants to live her own Ind3p3nd3nt lifestyle so she decides to sneak out and play a show. Why? Oh, because Cash used to do it and she basically S’s her D. Daphne blackmails Maddie to get some new clothes out of keeping quiet except that she busts the secret like 20 minutes later when Deacon asks her to clean up after herself. Typs teen.

At the “coffeehouse” that Maddie’s playing at, she’s “21” for the night. Barf on barf. Let this episode serve as a PSA to all men out there. Before you take a chick home from a club…make sure she’s not 16. Speaking of, a random guy offers to buy Maddie a drink and she’s feelin herself—so much so that she decides to make F me eyes at said guy during her performance about being a bad girl. Do you think Rayna would give her a proud hug and tell her she’s growing up now? Methinks no. Mostly because a creeper grabs at her leg while she’s singing and Deacon appears to hulksmash him, announce her age and literally drag her offstage. SOCIAL SUICIDE. Seriously Maddie should just go into hiding after this one. It’s like when my dad dropped me off to visit my sister at college and told all of her friends to remember that I’m only fifteen. I don’t think they were going to forget anytime soon…I had braces. But the mere mention of it is a REAL buzzkill. Guess Maddie’s out on the club scene! Then Deacon tells Cash to stay the hell away from Maddie. Cash shouts a lot about not abandoning Maddie when she needs her. Is this relationship getting A LITTLE too intense for teen BFFS? Somethin ain’t right.

While Maddie is workin on her night moves, Rayna James is on the cover of Business Week for being a CEO of a company, and yet she admits that she doesn’t look at finances and spreadsheets for Highway 65. Killer CEO skills. She really just wants to go on tour so hard. Deacon declines a 10-day stint on the road in favor of fatherhood (whoa, one upper parenting, much?) At The Exes show Rayna wistfully looks at the full crowd and forces Autumn to bring her out onstage. In a sparkle star top, Rayna basks in the love of her fans and begs Bucky to let her hit the road again and forget about her business that’s barely surviving. You know, just for now. Wink, Wink. PS are we to assume Teddy is still rotting in jail? Just wonderin.

Ya boy Will has a record deal again but womp womppp he has to work with his ex Kevin to finish the record. Obvzzzz Kev has a new boyf and Will is all “we JUST broke up” Did they though? Because I feel like they broke up like 100 years ago. Was it even this season? Whatever, they loved each other and that’s that. (That’s definitely not that…they’ll probably get back togets.)

Uhhhh what else did I miss? Layla continues to annoy the shit out of me by manipulating every person over Jeff’s death. She lands a tour with Wheelin & Dealin because Luke is definitely the type of guy that gets reeeeall uncomfy around a crying girl and Layla knows that. She also knows that he’s covering up the truth about Jeff’s death but that’s neither here nor there. Since she’s still hard up for Avery (or Juliette revenge) she asks him out on tour with her as bandleader. OH YEAH….and RIFF IS MISSING ONE DAY BEFORE TOUR. GUITAR RIFF.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “What I Cannot Change”

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It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…Juliette’s back from post-partum rehab (fictionally and IRL) and she’s here to STAY. Maybe? Upon her homecoming she is offered a part in a Spielberg movie that films in Prague. Yeah, ok. Subpar country singer who’s known for being a real diva then disappears for two months gets offered a highly coveted Hollywood role. Yup, this adds up. Also let’s not gloss over this hot PR person she’s hired to cover up her vizzy to rehab. I suspect there will be more with him later and then he’ll disappear like every other new character. (Ahem, Vita.) Juliette sees Avery for the first time since ignoring her daughter’s trip to the hospital in favor of booze and pills and immediately asks for more time with their infant child that she used to hate with the fire of a thousand suns. Then she serenades Cadence with an original ditty (did she take voice lessons in rehab?) and Avery caves. She comes clean to the press, drops out of the movie and is rewarded with more tummy time with Cadence. Not for nothing, but she looks like a bangpiece at that press conference. Apparently rehab was good to her because the side braid, red lips and flower dress were killin it.

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Someone who’s not so much killin it is Frankie, the sober bar owner that we’re supposed to care about and yet I can’t even muster up an aww when he “celebrates” his 15 years sober while probably drunk. (Due to being a jelly belly of Deacon.) He’s grumpy and he mumbles everything he says so I have a hard time sympathizing, but boy did I love it when he told Deacon, “You erased me the second you hung that sign out there with your dead sister’s name on it.” DON’T SPEAK ILL OF BEVERLY AROUND DEACON OR HE’LL INTRODUCE HIS FISTS TO YOUR FACE, BOY. JK they make up and Deacon admits that he’s been acting like a real Johnny-come-lately douchearoni to Frankie’s bar. Frankie is reminded to take his sobriety like I must take his unwanted storyline on this show, one day at a time.

Meanwhile, Colt calls Luke and is like, “hey long time no chat, can you sign a waiver so I can join the army? Kthxbyeeeee.” Luke drives out to the country to tell him no and Colt’s like whatevs I’ll do it when I turn 18 in a couple months anyway. Hey Colt, if you were months away from being legal, why did you ask your dad to sign the waiver in the first place? Be dumber. Luke tries to talk some sense into Colt about how terrifying it is to be overseas and be near an IED explosion and sassy Colt fires back with “Granddad said you were on a VIP convoy” LoLz. Shh, Luke. You’re coming off real stupid right now. But then, miraculously, it turns into a teaching moment. Colt enlists and Luke learns not to be afraid of the gays, so he signs Will again and apologizes for dropping him like a hot potato.

Rayna is trying to sell the new and improved Layla and she does that thing where they name drop to give viewers a wink wink nudge nudge and then decide on a fictional character to take Layla on tour instead. For example, OH DID YOU HEAR BACK FROM LADY A?! Yeah you’re right Bucky; Autumn Chase would be better suited for Layla. *Mostly because she doesn’t exist in real life country music. I’m also not loving the fact that they cast my most hated Hallmark holiday movie actress as the latest made up country star with a dumb name.

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At her showcase, Layla plays a lame song that everyone nods their heads right off to and the show ends with Rayna plugging her merch table. Snatch up those t-shirts ya’ll, you never know when someone might pity Layla and take her on tour, so you best be ready with 100% cotton! In another revelation that made me hate Autumn, she greets Layla with “Hey Gal.” Bye Gal. Naturally she watches the Exes play at the Bluebird, sees that they’re 1000x better than Layla’s guitar solo that’s comparable to Nick Jonas’ at the ACM’s and picks the duo to open up for her on tour. Saaarrryy Layla. Avery’s busy being superdad and orchestrating a mother/daughter reunion to answer her sobbing call. Oh, and also Vita’s still missing without a trace and FiNgeRz CroSsEd she’s never found. On the other hand, wouldn’t protest to a lot more Riff…or sex. I feel like no one on this show has gotten laid in a century. Might make their music better, jus sayin.

 

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Get Used to Losing You”

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In the event that you forgot or are still in shock to remember, Jeff Fordham tumbled to his plot twist death a couple weeks ago. Something tells me his ghost won’t be slithering around Nashville for episodes to come unwelcome like Bev’s did. That something is his blooming TV career, but who am I to jump to conclusions? What comes as no shock to anyone is that Juliette doesn’t even know Jeff died, because her brain is drowning in booze and pills. So the assumption is made that he committed suicide, which is a poetic assumed death for someone who was such a narcissistic buhhole.

Not so fast though—don’t forget we have our little eyewitness who turns out may not be so reliable because Luke finds an empty bottle of liquor in Colt’s room. Really bruh, you made it through a party and up to your room without getting caught and you couldn’t just toss the bottle in the hallway trashcan? I remember my first beer. At least he knows how to lay on the guilt when he wails that he came to find his dad but HE WASN’T EVEN THERE! YEAH. WHERE WERE YOU LUKE?! Oopsie he was just porkin his image consultant who he fired for a few hours. Turns out her name is Gabrielle. Literally took me 5 episodes to learn it. Gabrielle listens to Colt’s confession and tells him to zip it until she can figure out how to spin this. (She was re-hired with the sunrise.) Also Jeff has a sister and she’s a real Twat with a capital T. Sis essentially tells Layla that she was just a mouth to Jeff and will not be invited to the funeral. Harsh.

As if we weren’t all reeling from the death of a character that no one really liked, Nashville was like LET’S UP THE ANTE and present to us, SCARLETT WITH A BUZZCUT. Her tangled and wild forest of a mane has quite literally been mowed off of her scalp. Caleb sees it for the first time and is like YIKES boner kill…or something nicer, I’m not sure because I was actually yelling when she debuted the worst dramatic TV haircut since Felicity. A TV show trying to save a terrible character with a haircut is laughable and I’ll take my time lawling about this one. I’ll let you guys know when I stop having giggle outbursts every time G.I. Jane is in a scene.

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Even though nothing can be worse than Scarlett’s sudden impulse for a bald head, her chemistry with Caleb who’s already been around for far too long continues to be non-existent. As they grab a pre-tour dinner, Caleb’s toast is, “may The Exes future be as bright as your smile.” Scarlett responds by staring at her phone. These two are white hot. I don’t know how they’re not pawing each other right at the dinner table. Probably because they’re busy sleeping in each other’s presence since this relationship is the most boring thing to ever occur.

Gunnar is still trying to get over the fact that Scarlett is dating someone who makes her underwear drier than the Sahara and keeps casually sleeping with Erin the roadie. Then light bulb! Gunnar’s like hey you should come on tour and work for me. Not a big thang at all. No really, this story line will never be a big thing. It’s obviously a terrible decision for these two to work together and yet Gunnar agrees to it after he tries to whine about it to Will and is sternly told that everyone in America has bigger problems than this so kindly STFU.

Will and Avery become besties because they’re both sad about being dumped. What does one do when they have a case of the sadsies? Harmonize, obviously. Avery has an ugly cry one night thinking about what might have been with Juliette and right on cue Cadence is like Hey is someone crying and they didn’t invite me…how rude! And her screeches fill my ears once again. I almost got tricked too when she cracked a smile earlier in the episode. That little tease. Anyway, Will and Avery stand over her crib with goofy dad smiles and sing about her peeing in the pool. And she’s like that’ll do it, goodnight. Let’s resume my ear shattering shrieks in the morning, boys. At least that’s what I assume little miss shouts-a-lot is thinking as she decimates everyone’s eardrums.

While pretty much everyone is unaffected by Jeff’s death with most reactions spanning from “oh” to “really?” to “yeah that’s too bad”, Layla is destroyed. It doesn’t really help that their relationship was a secret and everyone’s like who dis when she tries to talk about how much they loved each other. I actually liked Will for a second when he is there to comfort Layla, and stay up all night to unpack her apt (which was packed to move in with Jeff.) What a sweetie he is when he’s caring about other people’s problems.

Juliette is the opposite of a sweetie when she tells Layla that she’s torn up about Jeff’s death because she has to get a new manager. She also aggressively tells Layla to forget about Jeff and get the F over his death already. This of course is right before she takes the stage for a tribute and says, “Jeff was my manager, he will be missed.” Damn, that’s deep. She really dug down for these sentiments. While she was digging around for emotions she happened to stumble upon the brown-out of her trip to the roof and Jeff actually saving her life. She finally asks for help and Layla takes the stage for a proper goodbye to Jeff, a yodeling song about their love. Does it make anyone else feel terrible that Layla’s entire existence is pitiful? If they don’t throw her character a bone soon they midas whale just kill her off too so at least she can reunite with her heart, Jeff. I mean girl went from marrying a gay guy and having a shitty reality show to being attacked by the press, drugged and left for dead in a pool, looked over by like every music label, underappreciated on Highway 65, in a secret relationship with her manager who was JUST about to go public with her and move in AAAAAND he’s dead. But for the GRAND finale—she thinks her boyfriend committed suicide. And she probably won’t ever know because Gabbers (formerly known as Luke’s bang buddy) checks Juliette into rehab and they sweep sweep sweep the truth of Jeff’s death under that giant Nashville rug o’ secrets. At this point killing Layla off would be a blessing; maybe everyone would appreciate her more after she’s gone, like Michael Jackson. I bet her record sales would skyrocket…she could do a concert in hologram. I’m just saying, only way to go is up, I guess?

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Please Help Me, I’m Fallin”

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Nothing is more telling for Nashville fans than the dramatic announcer throwing out a tease before an episode begins. “TONIGHT will Juliette FALL to her DEATH?” Well, man who probably gets paid $40 an hour to record questions anyone with half a brain already know the answer to, I’m gonna guess if Nashville kills off a main character due to post-partum depression when the actress who plays that character just went into rehab for post-partum depression they’re going to have a bit of a PR disaster on their hands. I was confident that Juliette would not be fallin’ to her death tonight but I never would have predicted who did instead, and for that I simply offer up a golf clap to the writers who I’ve mercilessly harassed with these recaps.

Before I slobber all over the writers though, let’s not forget that this show is still not what it used to be and get the boring stuff that happened out of the way first. Gunnar turns into a glass case of emotion when he bangs the newly unemployed roadie and wants her to stay for pancakes, coffee and perhaps the rest of her life. Edgy roadie is like nah, I’m gonna uber home. Pls don’t call. Gunnar then gets down on his hands and knees scouring his floor for something she left behind and finds an earring and decides this means she wants him to call her. Like the lifetime movie that is Gunnar’s sad love affairs, he stalks the shit out of this girl to snag her digits and then tells her at length what he had to do to track down her number. Smooth. Obviously dying to hang out with this modern-day Romeo, who is definitely not a cr33p, she ditches their “date” and goes out with her gal pals instead. After getting intoxicated because that’s the only way she’ll sleep with Gunnar, she shows up at his door again and he cries about how she only wants to have sex. He’ll probably write a song about it one day but until then, you are a loser, Gunnar.

The woman Gunnar is actually longing for in his bed is still in Nebraska or wherever the hell she grew up in middle America with that lounge singer mom of hers, who remains dead but is still haunting us. Please go peacefully to eternal rest now, Bev and stop reincarnating in ghost memory form. The gist of Scarlett and Deacon this week is that they’re still sad about Bev’s shitty life but then they feel a little better because her friends at the lounge really loved her and miss her. Scarlett performs a Bev original at her memorial and surprise, surprise, Deacon closes his eyes for a minute too long and when the camera pans back, there’s Bev singing a couple verses. THIS BETTER BE HER SWAN SONG…FOR REAL THIS TIME. On the way back to Nashville Deacon calls his sponsor, who owns a struggling bar and asks if he can buy in JUST so he can rename it The Beverly. Deacon says this with such pride like he had the greatest light bulb of an idea and not like it’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. We’re gonna have an alcoholic buy a bar just so he can name it after the sister whose death he’s inadvertently responsible for. Good call.

Keeping tune with decisions one will come to regret, Maddie is grounded and has her phone taken away for getting boned by Colt in a backstage trailer going onstage to sing with Juliette. She spends her time on probation doodling hearts around her and Colt’s names like someone in a mature sexual relationship would do. Her idol Marcus Keen—who has now forced Rayna to produce his album—tells Maddie she crushed it onstage and gives her a fist bump, which gives Maddie the right to revert back to her surly asshole days because she thinks her punishment is undeserving.

Marcus plays a song for Rayna then tries to fire her like she’s Avery 2.0 because she gives him feedback like a producer would do. Since Rayna is a gem and knows how to communicate with people, she finally gets through to the diva and wants to show him Maddie & Daphne’s interpretation of his song so he can stop being such a buhhole about country music. Daphne doesn’t want to sing because biddies talked shit about her the last time she did, so Maddie more than willingly rips the spotlight from her sister and performs it solo. She also steals Daphne’s celly later to call her boo, who was bored on his dad’s tour and therefore low-key got hammered by himself and stumbles up to his room to get rid of the spinsies. But seriously, no one is a more low-key drunk than Colt, whose only sign of being intoxicated is that he looks more confused than he usually does under that stupid shaggy hair of his.

And now onto our main event, the hot mess express that goes from 100 to 1 million real quick. (Obviously the phrase is 0 to 100 but she got shot up with tranquilizers recently so realistically girl has never been at 0.) At the beginning of tonight’s episode Juliette sits in a dark room crying, probably over her grossly chipped nails, then throws on some aviators and a hoodie to leave the hotel. As she’s walking across the lobby and everyone’s staring at her as if they’ve never had greasy hair that needed to be hidden before, one brave fan approaches asking for a selfie. I guess Juliette must not have been in the selfie mood because she drops the fan like a MF’er and screams and beats the shit out of her. Thank God the fan didn’t have a selfie stick as I can only imagine how quickly that would’ve been fashioned into a weapon. Either way, this fan beat down was the most exciting thing to happen in Nashville all season. It was like a world star hip-hop video in my living room as my dad and I oohed and aahed and yelled OH SHIT (that was just me.) I love watching a good girl fight from a safe distance. It was like WWE Smackdown all up in that hotel lobby and I was more than happy to pop some popcorn and watch scary Juliette with glee.

Anyway, I’m getting distracted…Luke tries to figure out why Juliette has suddenly turned into the Hulk and she responds like a teen being punished–yells LEAVE ME ALONE and shuts herself in the bathroom with a bottle of vodka. Jeff follows Luke and takes a different approach with her, a little good cop, bad cop parenting, if you will… he basically tells her she’s a waste of life and when she hurls herself at him and tries to rape him he tells her she was a one-time broom closet bang. Boom, bad copped.

Side note: I hate that Jeff is like turning his life around and trying to be a gentleman now and I’m on his side. When he delivered that sick burn to Juliette I was like YEAH, then I thought back to how he drugged his current girlfriend and left her to die facedown in his swimming pool and I’m like uh?

But whatever, he’s gunning for CEO of Luke’s new label thing with the woman whose name I still don’t know. He promises to clean this Juliette disaster up if he can get the job. Then Layla sees claw marks on his chest and immediately assumes he slept with Juliette because trust is the #1 pillar in their relationship and he informs her they’re going to move in together once he gets this job. Because when you don’t have trust in a relationship you fix it by moving to the next level. And obviously something seems like a red flag here but he gets the assaulted fan to make a public apology admitting she’s been stalking and harassing Juliette and she deserved to get several haymakers to the face and body while she lie helpless on the hotel lobby floor. So all in all, win win for everybody.

Meanwhile, Juliette mixes up a nice cocktail of uppers, downers and vodka in her room, texts Avery (who has finally been convinced by Glenn to cut her off emotionally) “I’m sorry” and goes for a little walksie on the roof. Right as she’s about to stumble off the edge, Jeff finds her, pulls her back and THEN TUMBLES TO HIS DEATH. I mean, logically I should have seen this coming as Oliver Hudson is the lead actor on a show that people actually watch and therefore probably didn’t have time to keep flying out to Nashville to film a few scenes every week…yet at the same time I wouldn’t have predicted them killing him off. Naturally just as we start to like Jeff he’s offed and I have to ask God WHYYYYY wasn’t it Zoey?!?! Or Scarlett….Or Gunnar…Really the list could go on for miles. Oh yeah, Colt witnessed this whole slow motion death scene from his balcony where he was gulping some fresh air because baby bitch can’t hold his alcohol. While his dad has relations with no-name PR or whatever lady who was REAL adamant about not mixing business and pleasure but it’s okay because Luke fired her and will rehire her in the morning after he’s been inside her all night. She really stood her ground on that one. What a strong female character.

PS Cadence, or in Will’s words “Cady” appears twice in this episode and neither time she is wailing…she even smiles once. THINGS ARE LOOKING UP FOR OUR EARS. Also if you feel like I never write about Will it’s because his story hasn’t changed in 3 weeks. He still hates being gay and would like to continue to flirt with women in public while his gay fans stay 40-60 feet away from him at all times.

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