Tag Archives: Lisa Vanderpump

RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Reunion Part One

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Ah, the first day of the reunion, where we’re eased into the crazy that’s about to ensue. Andy politely and awkwardly greets everyone, making sure to comment on their physical appearances that they paid someone a large sum to create on them. In a quick fashion highlight reel, Eileen has crimped hair, LVP is wearing the glitter Tom Ford number that Erika wore all season in her interviews (original, LVP) and Kyle has decided that a reunion is an approps time to let her areolas hang loose. Also Andy’s compliment to Yolanda was “You look well.” I feeeeeel like that’s no better than telling someone they look tired. Hey you looked like shit all season and everyone noticed it, but you look WELL today.
Then we kick things off with love for my girl Erika and I eat that shit right up. Quickest way to get me sucked in for the whole episode? Start with a brief pat the puss tutorial. If I weren’t watching this episode so early in the morning I probably would’ve jumped out of my chair and practiced with Erika like it was a dirty version of Darryn’s Dance Grooves. Gonna need a full DVD tutorial stat. Even better, if Erika could just fly out to Saratoga for my sister’s bachelorette party and teach us some of her famous moves, it would save me from having to book a pole dancing class and would be a lot more fun. Gimme a ring, EJ. Feel free to bring Mikey and the glam squad too. Speaking of Mikey and the boys, Erika admittedly spends an obnoxious amount of money a year on these bros to keep them on retainer. Tom (the same man who told his wife not to speak out of turn at dinner) just signs the checks, without asking why it was necessary to fly 5 men out to Dubai with her so that her face could be painted for dinner and a mohawk created for a desert dune buggy ride.

True to Erika Jayne’s most recent #1 hit (realistically #75 on the dance charts) she gives 0 F’s when a probably middle-aged housewives viewer took time to carrier pigeon a letter to Andy that basically read, “aren’t you too old to be writhing around onstage?” And Erika was all, “Mary, I’m so sorry that you’ve given up in life but I have not.” BURN CITY, Population: Mary. Hey Mary, never show your name near Bravo again because you just got FACED.

In much less important and kewl reunion news: Kyle swears she didn’t buy those ugly rose gold sunnies that were marked at a casj 50 grand, so everyone GET OFF HER CASE and stop comparing her to Dana and her $25,000 shades. On the bright side, rewatching that clip really made me long for RHOBH seasons past. Dana was the puuurrrfect asshole character. Let’s bring her back.

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While we’re kind of on the topic of Kyle, let’s address that she demanded no one speak of Faye because she didn’t sign up for this and doesn’t deserve to be discussed. So does Faye just appear on the show for roughly 6 episodes a season for free, or…? Kathryn tries to say her peace about OJ and Faye’s famewhoring book deal off of a brutal public murder and Kyle is like THAT IS ENOUGH. Kyle even doubles down and says that when Faye used monotone to tell Kathryn she looked beautiful in order to end a fight at dinner, she really meant it. Diiiid she though? Kyle then became dead to me when she said she refused to watch Connie Britton’s performance of Faye. You don’t speak against the church of Connie Britton unless you want to feel the wrath of her hair.

In weird fun facts about Yolanda’s health that in no way whatsoever doubt her lyme disease: she has a palette in her butt that disperses hormones. It’s from her “healthcare advisor” Daisy, of course. So for all you truthers who were unsure of Daisy’s authenticity as a medical professional, she inserted something in Yolanda’s butt. So do with that what you will.

And for the “cliffhanger” of this week, Rinna and LVP begin their faceoff about the ever so beaten to death Munchausen’s theory. Scary Rinna comes out to play and she brings with her a book of telephone records. Is this a thing? Is Rinna suddenly Magnum PI? I didn’t even know it was possible to still obtain phone records but here we are with highlighted sheets of paper to prove that LVP called Rinna and put her up to the whole Munchausen’s thang. And Rinna’s like yeah, I did it. One adult calls another and tells her to bring something up on a TV show to create a storyline and the other one’s like yeah okay, then probably hits record for evidence. Is this Days of Our Lives? Are they auditioning to guest star on Eileen’s soap like Erika did? I’m so confused. Yolanda isn’t and peaces on out of that bitch because two Lisa’s were plotting against her on TV. So that’s a little odd. Tune in next week to see if they get Yo to come back out (she’s contractually obligated…) and watch Kim crawl back for unhealthy TV therapy.

 

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Who Do You Believe?”

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Well I’m about as exhausted as most of these women should and would look–if they didn’t have a plastic surgeon on call. After B2B terrible seasons, this is looking like my Real Housewives swan (Not Hanky or Panky) song…after the unnecessary 3 weeks of reunions, of course, I will be retiring from RHOBH. I’m going to predict that Yolanda will be retiring with me. Unless she’s seriously hard up for cash, I doubt Yo will return to hanging out with a bunch of betches who talk shit about her.

But before we get into that, let’s relive the Dubai rundown that all of the women FORCED their husbands to endure. Well, not all. Rinna met with her manager to discuss an uncensored talk show that I’m gonna go ahead and guess didn’t pan out.

Erika meets with Yo to talk about how they traveled across the world to visit a shopping mall. And Lisa, Eileen and Kathryn all recap girl crime for their hubs. Ken’s kneejerk reaction: Rinna is dead to him. He then calls her a bunch of British derogatory names. This is the most British I’ve ever seen him and he’s calling Rinna a wanker. What a douchemachine. Vince asks Eileen if he can give his opinion and she replies with a hard no. Donnie’s the only one who seems genuinely interested, even using kewl nicknames like LVP to get to the bottom of it. What a dreamboat he is. But seriously, your husbands don’t care about a 3 month long fight and neither do we.

Kyle throws a party at her desert house, cause season finale & it’s an ideal time to bring the whole group back together for one final standoff. Yolanda rolls through in a hot red dress and her new buzzcut that isn’t at all new to us but she’s feelin herself real hard. And even though I’m not thrilled about her baby pompadour, I’m willing to agree that I’m feelin her look too. Erika and Kim finally meet and Kim’s first words to Erika are, your hair is so long. Great observation, Kim. Good to see your social skills are still on point. Erika talks about watching Escape to Witch Mountain, which as we all know is the quickest way to Kim’s heart.

Then Rinna arrives at the party and immediately pulls Yo aside to be like I talked shit about you. So there. She kind of apologizes? And also narcs on LVP. (Love that nickname, thanks Donnie.) I get that Rinna wants to be known as the person who, in her words “owns her shit” but saying she’s going to fess up to talking smack and quickly shitting her pants and trying to apologize for it are two different ball games. Either admit you’ve spent a whole season pooping out of your mouth about Yolanda, or don’t say anything at all. While we’re on the topic of not saying anything at all, Rinna announces that she has sweaty panties. Thanks for that visz, maybe don’t park your RB curtz next to a fireplace while drinking, Rinna.

Other happenings at Kyle’s party that didn’t have skanky white dresses and un-ironic Fat Burger were:

-LVP doubling down on her lies and Kyle continuing to suck from her teet.

-Kim decides to make up for lost screen time and have a go at Rinna—who ends up looking like a G-D saint in comparison. Shhh, Kim. “Just get better.”

-LVP apologizes to Faye. OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE TO APOLOGIZE TO.

Because this show is despicable, they gather Kathryn, Kyle and Lisa 2 months later to comment on Yolanda’s divorce. And by comment I mean make assumptions and guesses about someone else’s marriage. This is pretty poetic considering they spent the whole season making assumptions and guesses about Yo’s lyme. #FullCircle

Rinna and Eileen meet up separately—it’s the holidays and there’s a chill in the air, according to Eileen. Rinna is wearing a tank top. Oh, Eileen, you precious bumblebee you, It’s California, it’s not cold out. That’s about as obnoxious as me declaring in Upstate New York that it feels like spring right now. But back to chatting about Yolanda, the only storyline this season, Rinna essentially declares that the divorce/Yolanda’s relationship problems were making her sick. Yes, I repeat, “now that the divorce is public, she’ll be feeling so much better.” HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO STUPID?! QUICK—SOMEONE CUT TO ERIKA’S GLAM PREZ MIKEY DESCRIBING THE DEFINITION OF HUNTY AGAIN TO CALM ME DOWN.

Even though this season was about as fun as I imagine freezing your entire body would be, I’d like to give some snaps for Erika Jayne, who stayed real AF the whole time and truly entertained me. Keep doing you, mami.

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And Kyle, keep doing less.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Goodbye Dubai”

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It ain’t a trip until it lasts half a season, but of course. The lassies are still in Dubai, enjoying themselves thoroughly. And by enjoying themselves I mean holding grudges and having dinner fights. The gang is actually happiest when they’re being driven around a shopping mall in golf carts, because rich people cannot be bothered to walk from store to store. Kathryn gives Kyle a harsh reality check that cat eye sunnies maybe aren’t her cup of tea when she shouts “YOU LOOK HORRIBLE.” I think it’s safe to say that Kathryn is the shopping buddy every girl deserves, but not necessarily the one that we want.

Next on the agenda after going to a generic American mall set in a foreign country, is to take in the sights of said foreign country. So they check out the indoor ice skating rink. JUST KITTEN. The gals hit up the Burj Khalifa, which is the tallest building in the world. Olga, the tour guide slash receptionist at the ole Burj did that thing I hate by saying, “Hello, how are you” and the girls reply, “Good. How are you?” and she replies, “Well. How are you?” EVERYONE IS GOOD—or WELL IF WE’RE BEING PROPER ENGLISH SPEAKING DICKS, LET’S MOVE ON, OLGA. Legit fear, sometimes when this happens to me I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of the how are you cycle until I say, “Well.” It’s a real fear. Anyway, Eileen gets a pair of sweaty dogs because she’s nervous and doesn’t want to be up that high. Kyle is afraid of heights but miraculously recovers from her panic attack real quick for an observation deck selfie. Post photo-op, Lisa apologizes for like the 100th time to Eileen 2,000 feet in the air, because clearly Eileen and her soaked with sweat hooves are feeling self-conscious so it’s time for Lisa to swoop in. The apology, like all of the others is as fake as Kylie Jenner’s pout, right down to the evidence of Lisa running her lines with Kyle the night before.

Back in BH, Kim, Brandi and Yo have a juice and salmon filled picnic *with cloth napkins* while the mice are still away. Brandi wears probably the most hideous hat I’ve seen on this show, and that’s saying a lot since we had to see Eileen in a bucket hat last season. She also rocks a graphic tee that says, “It’s not fun to be sober.” I’m sure she’s wearing it in support of Kim because sobriety is for WIENERS. Apparently this is a nice segue into Brandi’s new venture into the t-shirt biz as she gifts Kim with a tee that says “Medicated” and Yolanda a tee that says “Sick”. When the chips are down, all you really need is an iron, letters and some cotton tees, I guess. You do you, Brandi. And every other recent male college grad in the Malibu area. What a gang these three are; the Medicated, the Sickling, and the Anti-Sober One. Sincerely yours, The Beverly Hills Club.

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In stark contrast from a picnic lunch where everyone wah-wahs about their lives, let’s check in on someone who can afford to fly her glam squad out for a vacation. Even though that’s still a real douchey move, I respect the fact that Erika shares her makeup crew with Kathryn for her birthday. This probably was her real prezzie—not the paperweight that cost 50 cents. Mikey and his boys, the perpetrators of a made-up term of endearment “hunty” (honey+cunty, OBV. EYE ROLL.) coach Kathryn into using the word “cunty” once and for all. Nothing gets a woman to cave faster than the person who has complete control of how her face looks on her b-day and roughly 10 minutes later, Kathryn is basically shouting cunty from the rooftops.

On a luxurious yacht, Kathryn’s mom calls her to wish her a happy birthday and like half the ladies start sobbing. Both Rinna and Eileen’s moms don’t remember who they are. So that’s some real depressing shit. I considered taking these women seriously for a millisecond during this human moment but then when Eileen spun a conversation about Alzheimer’s back to Lisa, the feeling went away just as fast as it had appeared. The Munchausen’s fight fires right back up again at dinner and that’s when I checked out and started googling shoes I deserve to own this spring and wondering if the Wilton Mall offers a golf cart service to get me from Forever 21 to Francesca’s. And I’m NOT talking about those furry animal rides kids pay a quarter to ride around the mall like it’s an amusement park. Although I wouldn’t hate taking one of those for a spin either.

Anyway, everyone leaves the table once Lisa and Kyle start fighting but not really fighting because they’re besties who I guess lie for each other. The camera crew captures a really special mind fuckery between the two where Kyle compares their relationship to an abusive one, as best friends tend to do (wtf?). Tensions are high, Kathryn gets snippy with Eileen and I’m surprised no one throws a proper temper tantrum and screams GET ME OFF THIS BOAT. Instead the rest of the women eavesdrop until Kyle tells Lisa to “eat her fucking chicken and be quiet” then tries to pretend they all didn’t just ruin Kathryn’s birthday by giving her a birthday cake. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATHRYN! 51 WOOHOO! YOU DON’T LOOK A DAY OVER 50 AND ALSO LET’S PRETEND THAT WE DIDN’T SPEND THE DAY OF YOUR BIRTH AND THE 6 VACATION DAYS BEFORE IT FIGHTING IN PUBLIC. MAKE A WISH, GIIRRRLLLL! Kathryn wishes for an early flight home, by herself. Probably.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Dubai Daze”

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THUG LYFE.

We’re still in Dubai and the women still find it necessary to wear swimsuit cover-ups as dresses to every activity on the trip. For example, Kyle appropriately wears a floor length chiffon gown with stilettos to meet a G-D sea lion. Then follows that up with a designer bikini under her wetsuit. Lisa basically orgasms when the sea lion smooches her. Someone needs to check on her love for animals and make sure it doesn’t turn sexual at some point. Because that seemed like it should’ve been a private moment. Also calling the sea lion sexy didn’t help her case.

Eileen didn’t need to attend this sea lion escapade because if she wants to say hi to one all she has to do is look out her suite window. She might also find a peeping diver swimming around down there. I’m guessing that’s why the underwater suite costs a little extra.

After everyone couples off for the day, for some reason we were forced to look through the bubbles at Kathryn’s feet soaking in a hot tub for like a full 20 seconds. Did the cameraman fall asleep too? At least they feel our pain.

In efforts to liven this trip up, Eileen calls out Rinna for being such a pussy by only talking behind people’s backs and never confronting them, really. During this honest conversation, they wear both wear the same hideous caftan accompanied by 500 lb earrings. Modesty is not an option in Dubai, apparently. And neither is a drama-free trip after Eileen spins the crazy wheel in Rinna’s head and gets her going.

Finally, the ladies all gather to let those muumuus flow in the desert breeze. They even add doo-rags to the mix. Oh, sorry, I mean turbans. A blindfolded falcon puts on a show, and by that I mean he eats a piece of meat. Really he’s just there to be caressed by Lisa (in an intimate way) and pose with the ladies for a desert sunset insta. Erika sees enough falcons in downtown LA eating dead pigeons off the pavement so she’s hashtag over it.

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Kyle gets a henna tat and asks for the Chinese symbol for hope or a butterfly above her ass or something. The ladies take a drink without asking what it is because they’ve obviously never been to a frat party in their life and it turns out it’s camel milk, at which they are horrified. HOW COULD THEY DRINK MILK FROM A CAMEL’S BOOB?! Should we tell them now where regular milk comes from or let them learn on their own? Let’s keep it quiet for now, it’ll be more fun that way. They are then told that camel meat is for dinner, which is a real stretch considering the circumstances. They were disgusted enough by the milk, don’t push your luck Dubai. Rinna starts some shit with Erika because she’s too scared to start some shit with Lisa in front of the group. The hired help of Dubai sense the moment of tension and feel like it’s probably the right time to start offering up that peace pipe. Eileen’s like gimme a drag, or whatever you foreign people say about this contraption and then acts like she’s tripping on acid. It’s WAY better than when they all fought over the space cake in Amsterdam.

When they go to the market the next day, Eileen turns out to be a champ at bargaining, which is a refreshing change of pace from the $40,000 a night hotel suite. Kathryn tries yet another muumuu on with a roach in it and is like hmm I think I’ll pass. JK she screeches and says with her eyes to the store clerk, “get me out of this dirt country.” And Erika gives Kathryn a chotsky for her birthday. It’s quite literally a desk ornament that could not have been more than 50 cents. And THAT’S what you get for being a narc, Kathryn.

And then in unfortunate Housewives vacay fashion, the rest of the episode is dedicated to played out drama that if we’re being honest I’m too exhausted to continue following or trying to make sense of it. It’s still about Yolanda and that mother F’ing Munchausen’s bullshit but this time it’s about Lisa and her big Charlotte’s Web? I don’t really know. All I know is that if Rinna brings this up for one more episode, I’ll start recapping Erika Jayne music videos instead of this show. And that’s not an empty threat.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Lymes in the Sand”

 

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I’d like to toss it into the suggestion box that I would never ever like to see a full 10 minutes of women packing for a trip ever again. Once you’ve seen them pack for one, you’ve seen them pack for every trip they could ever take. They’re rich and they have a lot of outfit options and unlimited amounts of money to check 100 bags. Their husbands watch them pack because they have nothing better to do and the women sneak new purchases by them. I’M OVER IT.

Anyway, before I’m forced to relive my least favorite pre-trip chore six times over, some of the ladies are still in NYC for Yolanda’s Lyme event. What’s important to note about this event is that not only has Joe Jonas attended with his then girlfriend, Gigi, but he also gets his own lower third without even having to speak. (AS IF NO ONE KNOWS WHO HE IS) Too bad he’s not GiGi’s boyf anymore. Bravo execs are already salivating at the chance to work Zayn into an episode for next season.

At the Global Lyme Alliance gala, one speaker references the hardest part of Lyme as having to prove to her friends that she was sick. Kyle aptly hides behind her napkin. She feels guilty the whole night and tries to pin everything on Rinna. Kyle’s like oopsie now that I’ve been educated I probably should’ve stopped all the gossip. LoLz.

Lisa couldn’t attend the NYC trip because she had to fly to London to renew her passport. Hey Lisa, you’ve been in the US how long? Just become a citizen. Does it really make the most sense to fly to another country just to update your travel docs? It makes about as much sense as Lisa gifting Max with something “so small” for his hard work as a food runner. Apparently Jeep Wranglers are microscopic nowadays.

After appropriately packing (or deciding to fly their 3 man glam squad on vacation with them) the ladies arrive in Dubai. Their “suite” in Dubai is basically a mansion and Bravo doesn’t miss a beat to tell us that it’s $40,000 a night. Eileen gets an underwater suite, Lisa/Kyle and Erika/Kathryn each have to share but I don’t want to hear a peep of complaint from these hussies because they can’t even find each other in their monstrous residences. In attempts to blend with the culture (I think?) all the ladies wear muumuus to dinner. Sorry, not all the ladies, Kathryn is wearing a signature Beverly Hills leopard dress. Gawd, KATHRYN, adapt to your vacation surroundings! Kyle comes through in the clutch and gives everyone matching loud muumuus so that Kathryn can get to stepping and change into her loose fitting caftan to match the group. There’s literally nothing like seeing an array of bright robes sitting on the ground eating hummus. These ladies are so one with Dubai that I forgot for a quick second that they’re actually the worst. They reminded me quickly, when they spent the whole snack time rehashing Yolanda’s Munchausen’s drama and Lisa’s web-spinning ways. Cheers to friendship.

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While everyone bonds over the newfound breeze they’re getting to their hoo-ha via their muumuu’s, Yolanda is moving out of her infamous Malibu home. Brandi visits because all the women who hate her are across the world, so it’s safe. She talks a lot of trash about Rinna and her wigs, wears a gold lame top in her confessional, and drops 100 F bombs. Good to see you haven’t changed a bit, Brandi. Now please go away again. Foreva.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Hearing Is Believing”

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“Something is not being honest with Yolanda”-Rinna the Prophet

I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode and I’m praying that I didn’t miss that little slice Camille making out with another third cousin royal like she did during her last season party appearance. I guessed that she’s holding some sort of charity dinner? I can only assume this from the jewelry Kyle is dropping mad dough on and the way that the rest of the coven is using this time to attack each other some more about their dumb drawn out fights.

Hey Rinna, in case you think I’m being subtle, I’m talking directly about you. Rinna still hates Yolanda with the fire of the hot sand she sat upon one week ago bitching about how fake Yo’s life is and weaving a very Mafioso web of lies about who started what. Rinna would like Yolanda to know that she’s not kosher with the pic that was posted of Yo, Kim and Brandi lunching. Yo is like k whatever, MYOB. There’s an actual point in the fight where Rinna is referring to #RealFriends (no really, A HASHTAG) like she’s writing a term paper and looking for an APA citation to support her claim that Yolanda is fake. Yolanda didn’t even post the picture so ya better check your bibliography, Rinna.

In this week’s, let’s balance out being assholes with a charitable activity, Lisa plans a march to stop Yulin, aka a Chinese annual event dedicated to assaulting dogs like nobody’s biz. It’s a cause that’s very close to her heart and her and Ken have planned this gathering for months. I’m embarrassed that Lisa made it sound that hard because what a shitty march it was. No one really knew where they were going, they had a police escort (soft, much?) and a couple people shouted “Stop Yulin Forever” a few times before retiring to Pump with their fearless leader for an icy glass of rose. Yulin is so dunzo. Mission accomplished.

Lisa Vanderpump Along With StopYulinForever Supporters March To End Dog Cruelty In Yulin, China

The women fight more about Lisa being “manipulative” and we get a gratuitous flashback to Rinna telling Kim she loved her…in Amsterdam…the day after the wine glass hulk-smashing. I don’t know how this is related to anything that was being discussed but I would like to formally tell the producers to knock it the F off with the same 3 Amsterdam flashbacks. Let’s bury Amsterdam forever, along with the “YOU STOLE MY HOUSE” clip. K?

Dubai appears to be happening because Kyle wants to go SO BAD and Kyle gets what she wants. Although, to be honest, I doubt she wants a trip with these people she’s paid to be friends with who fight every time they get a glass of vino coursing through their veins. On a private plane to NYC for Yolanda’s Lyme event (?) Kathryn is forced to apologize to Tom for being a real dick and she doesn’t really. They just hug awkwardly. What Kathryn should apologize for is the black tight skirt she wore to Lisa’s house earlier that was covered in sunflowers and probably directly from 1992. If only it was a baby doll dress.

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Rinna and Eileen can’t attend Yolanda’s thing because they have to go to the luggage store and gossip. Who chooses these locations? Sit on a couch in the privacy of your home to hypothesize that Lisa really is the Fredo Corleone of the group. (This comparison will fall flat with the majority of housewives fans.) At least Eileen can still get me to laugh with the very self-aware, “I’m gonna spend thousands of dollars on new luggage so Kathryn likes me!”

Back in NYC, the girls party in the Jewel suite. They have no idea what this means. It’s essentially a very expensive hotel room with jewels randomly placed in glass cases and in the walls.

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Yolanda is feeling well enough to slap on a pair of sexy heeled boots and kick it with her friends. She goes to play a ditty on the piano and David insults her and tries to steal the spotlight because he’s insufferable. He continues to be the WORST when she makes a toast to him thanking him for his support and love and he goes, “We’re gonna make lemonade out of lemons,” immediately followed by, “Girls, get in the Jacuzzi.” So poetic. So David. Then he bitches to his friend *too* close to a mic that he hates his marriage basically. Kick rocks, David. Go play the piano by yourself in the Jewel suite and think about what you’ve done.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Objection Your Honor”

Erika

“Just relax girl, you don’t have to hit us over the f****ing head with your personality.”

I love Erika. I love her in a, I would probably never get along with her but she’s the only honest bitch in this pack of hoo-ha’s, kind of way. Erika hosts her first dinner party solely so that these gossipy hags can meet her old AF husband and probably insert their opinions all over the joint about him. Pre-dinner, Erika chitchats with her makeup guys—who just so happen to be wearing shirts with “Erika Jayne” printed on the back in Pussycat Dolls font. Slay.

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Instead of pretending like she’d just prefer to have her top chef cater the party, Erika comes clean and admits, “Here’s the thing, I don’t cook.” Own it, grl. Erika even allows Rinna to strut into her house wearing a leopard dress. Rinna has the nerve to be pissed that everyone’s jackin her leopard thing. That’s my latest update in ladies who think they own patterns/colors. Lookin at you, Vanderpump.

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In the end, there isn’t a throw down over Sammi Sweetheart’s signature style on two grown women. What’s even more shocking is that Kyle is Jewish. Since when is Kyle Jewish?! Have I been ignoring this for several seasons? Anyway, she can’t come because she has Yom Kippur. Eileen can’t come because she has a real job. (This is becoming a real trend here, wtf Eileen?!)

Kathryn starts off the evening on a hot streak when she tells the hired help that Rinna doesn’t eat so don’t bother offering her apps. Rinna handles it by telling her to stop pretty aggressively. In Kathryn world, stop means ALL SIGNS GO because she hammers on Rinna to eat two breadsticks at dinner in front of the group. She’s all, Gawd, Rinna HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. This is red flag numero uno that Kathryn is a real crazy bitch. The dinner pretty much spirals into Kathryn vs. everybody and yikes is she the worst. She yells, points fingers, LoLz at eating disorders, tries to force a friendship with Erika full of fake eyelashes and then makes a heel turn to tell Erika she’s not winning this fight.

Lisa attends the dinner pretty much just so she can flirt with Tom, make more spider web “nonsense” comments and bounce for a supposed charity event. What Lisa doesn’t remember is that Tom does NOT like to be interrupted. He basically tells her to shut up because she tries to cut him off. SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. He almost put a muzzle on Erika at their last dinner outing. Do NOT speak out of turn around Tommyboy. Since Ken only attends things to over-defend his wife with offensive comments when she doesn’t really need any help, he plays his part here. Ken tells Tom he’s acting like a judge when really he’s only a lawyer. Ohhh, Zing. Go back to sleep, Ken. Props to whoever wrote that line for him though. Emmy-worthy dialogue. Almost as good as Tom’s stunned interjection of “Do you guys do this all the time?” Yes, Tom. This is what the Housewives franchise was built on. Stop watching Perry Mason and get with the program.

Later in the week, Kyle & Erika play pickle ball, which is essentially a made up sport. They sip lemonade afterward and talk about how they should jet off to Dubai. When discussing the dinner party, we learn that Erika’s husband was pissed at her because she’s not allowed to have friends who behave like that. Or she’s not allowed to behave like that? I’m not following. Either way, her husband is controlling her and as a friend (a person who watches her on TV), I’d like to tell her I’m quite concerned.

Meanwhile, Kathryn tells her hubby that she’s going to try and be more feminine and less like bull in china shop. Also we get to see his abs gratuitously. Lick. Then we follow Kathryn to her hearing checkup. Even though Kathryn’s kind of a turd, it’s important to remember that she can’t hear at dinner parties. Feel bad for her.

I don’t feel bad for Rinna, who has essentially morphed from one of my favorite kewl chicks to this season’s Kim. She rarely makes sense, she’s pretty paranoid and I’m not really sure that anyone else on this show likes her. Eileen might be the newest to start distancing herself from Rinna after their visit to the beach. This is where Rinna spews some “come to Jesus” stuff about Lisa and Kyle starting the whole Munchausen thing and essentially saying she doesn’t doubt that Yolanda’s sick, but she totally doubts that Yolanda’s sick. Eileen is like why do you have so many trust issues you psychopath?

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Yo and Kyle discuss email etiquette, when to CC, when to blind CC and when to start an email with “Happy Friday!” and move on with their lives. Supposedly.

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After the charity Soul Cycle from hell, Kyle and Mauricio SOMEHOW still get all the ladies to agree to paint a house, Habitat for Housewifery style. I still don’t quite understand how these two got everyone to sign on for this; I mean do we think they promised that Donnie would work on the roof without a shirt or something? Lisa and Kyle think it’s their own personal open mic night and test out a few web jokes for Erika. Ba-dum-ch—she hates them and doesn’t laugh once. Not one to allow a joke to land flat as much as Kyle does, Lisa puts an end to the web talk. Erika and Kathryn put an even bigger end to the spidery comments when they yell at each other a lot and don’t even pretend to help paint this person’s house. I hope the residents of that house sat on their couch last night watching this and wondering if their trim ever got finished. Kathryn was adamant that her narc status did no harm and Erika is adamant that Kathryn sucks. (Samesies.) Eileen and Rinna are on Team Erika and TEAM WOMEN EVERYWHERE. GOSSIP IS NOT MEANT TO BE REPEATED. In the typical housewife way, they fake hug it out and everyone is ALL GUD. Except for Tom Girardi, who stays up at night plotting to get back at the women who have dared to interrupt him.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Not Easy To Love”

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What was once one of my favorite housewives traditions has been dumped on this season with one fell swoop. The dinner party used to be as sacred housewives event chock full of catered meals the host pretended to cook, dirty looks and drama invented over whose place card had a heart and whose didn’t. Well, not anymore. Now that Yolanda has been incapacitated with lyme-ness, she hasn’t been able to throw one of her famously douchey dinner parties with her creepy counterpart in an entire year. We’ve gone a whole year without David forcing Yolanda’s friends to sing and then quickly telling them they better not once he hears their terrible voices. Anyway, Yolanda tries to bring the old dinner party magic back and it goes horribly, horribly wrong. Why? Because everyone hates each other. Kyle and Lisa meet up beforehand to strategize how fake they’re going to act to Yolanda and once everyone arrives at the restaurant they make the sound decision to address their beefs right there at the table.

Upon greeting Yolanda, Lisa would like to make sure she’s forgiven for something that she NEVER did because Lisa has NEVER done anything wrong. Yolanda cries. Hot start to dinner. Then she asks Eileen if they’re good or not for the 100th time and for the grand finale, Lisa confronts Erika to talk about the cobwebs she weaves from her 68 year old vagina, or something. DON’T GET CAUGHT IN LISA’S WEB, KEN. Erika, my glittery blonde Barbie holds her own with her first dinner party attack…EVEN THOUGH she was up at 4AM patting dat puss.

At the other end of the table, Eileen is still steaming about Lisa’s bullshit. Then Kathryn is called down to repeat what Erika said again so Rinna can be part of the drama. Next, Eileen and Rinna start having conflict because Rinna won’t agree that Lisa is a shady MF’er. Are you keeping up with all this? No, of course not, because this is dumber than a bunch of 11 year olds gossiping over their lunchables in middle school. What’s even worse is that the only adult of the group, who owns up to what she says, Miss Erika “I Woke Up Like This” Jayne, is like WTF Kathryn, I assumed our conversation was confidential. And Kathryn’s like nah I repeat everything, so that’s on you. So basically Kathryn’s a shitty gossiper, and therefore a terrible woman. What female doesn’t know the hard and fast rules of talking shit? Nice knowin ya, Kathryn. You won’t be back next season.

What’s the perfect dessert for a dinner full of immature bitches choosing sides of the table? A private room performance from one of the classically greatest voices in the world, of course. Seriously, this group of turds gets to listen to Andrea Bocelli perform Ave Maria like he’s a jazz singer at a nightclub. How undeserving. Kyle sees this as a sign from her mom to go check on Kim and also cries. Rinna calls it f****ing SURREAL. Classy reaction from a classy broad.

After this dumb dinner party that wasn’t even exciting and disgraced the reputation of a Yo dinner party, the rest of the episode was essentially inconsequential. Rinna freaks out about her daughter’s tonsillectomy and her daughter requested she buy a wheelchair upon her recovery, so at least she’s not being dramatic. Kyle pretends to cook dinner for her kids and dog to eat off the table and announces she’d like to check out her heritage in Ireland. Mauricio’s like great, we’ll buy a house there, probably. Lisa shows America how obsessed she is with Yolanda’s ex-husband Mohammed as he builds her a pink playhouse for her backyard. I’m assuming this will be the ponies’ main residence. Eileen meets up with Erika and Yolanda to rehash her Lisa beef even more than I thought could be possible.

In the theme of beating a dead horse, Kim also comes out of the shadows and makes a physical appearance rather than just a verbal appearance spewing out of Rinna’s mouth. (LoL at Rinna suggesting she send Kim a birthday text. Maybe she should add the wine glass emoji for laughs? “Ha-Ha Happy Birthday Kim, remember that time I hulk-smashed a wine glass right in your face? Hope you’re sober xoxo, Rinna.”) Kim visits Kyle to have a “healthy conversation”, which in Bravo speak is: show every embarrassing and hurtful clip of these two fighting over the past 5 years that we can get our grubby hands on. Welcome back, Kim!

Out of all this garbage, one shocking fact from this episode shone through and I’d like to address it head on. Kathryn met up with her sisters for lunch and they talked about their family and mom and blah blah blah but Kathryn informed us that all four children in her family were conceived on birth control. WHAT. THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. This should be on a sign in my gynecologists’ office. Hey birth control is fun and stuff, but essentially DOES NOTHING. I mean seriously, once a year I pay to have someone probe around my downstairs with a metal clamp just so I can get a prescription to something that doesn’t even work?! Have a nice week everyone and close your legs unless you want babies!

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Spinning a Web”

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Before everyone verbally curb stomps each other this week, let’s first work out some aggression with a trendy Soul Cycle fundraiser for Kyle and Mauricio. No, not for THEM—for Habitat for Humanity OF COURSE! If they didn’t announce where the money was being donated, I would have to assume the real charity here is spending an hour with Russ, a fabulous gay wearing a skull and crossbones headband yelling at you to go harder as he dances on the bike to Katy Perry. Lisa agrees with me when she’s like okay where do I drop the check, see ya! Lisa’s effort level in this spin class is right on par with how hard I tried the 2 times I’ve taken Zumba in my life. It’s more about the social aspect and beats, less about the actual exercise.

Eileen meets the girls at lunch after their charitable trip to the gym because she had to work. WINK, WINK. Just kitten, she probably was totes actually working considering she’s the only one with a job in this group of lassies. She can’t really afford to take a spin class on a weekday afternoon. There’s some light banter about her latest shower sex scene in Salem or whatever fictional soap town she’s at these days. But wait a second, party’s not over yet. Kathryn sees you a steamy fake shower makeout, and raises you two tickets to the gun show. That’s right, she whips those bad boys out right at the table with no concerns as to what the gun policy is at the restaurant.

It’s a good thing Kathryn finally locks those away because what ensues next definitely doesn’t need anymore ammo. Kyle turns into a third grader with the ole, no one will notice if I turn to the person next to me at lunch and whisper yell something controversial. C’mon Kyle…at least text Lisa, it’s still obvious but you’d probably be less likely to start a war with Yolanda. Some passive aggressive bitching takes place about the Rinna vs. Yolanda saga. Yo tells Kyle that she’s butting in where she doesn’t belong; Kyle tells Yo that she’s being rude. Kathryn notes a tone in Yo’s voice. (Hey Kathryn, go back to kissing your biceps, pls.) And I want to stab myself and bleed out if I hear the word Munchausen’s one more G-D time. The lunch ends awkwardly.

While everyone is fighting over Rinna at lunch, she’s busy guest-starring on Jenny McCarthy’s dirty birdie Sirius show—where a typical topic of convo is about strap-ons. Rinna’s like oopsie my mouth keeps goin and gettin me into trouble, LoL! Ok, Rinna.

Later on, Kathryn and Erika eat takeout salads and cinnamon rolls before they work out. Kathryn doesn’t even properly appreciate the Cinnabon and treats their hang like a job interview, telling Erika to describe her strengths and weaknesses. Erika opens up about how she was mean girl’ed a lot when she was younger and her BFF was her grandma until she died. Kathryn is like I can replace her! Let’s cool our heels, Kathryn. You’re getting paid to hang out with Erika at the moment. Then the two talk about how Lisa is a shiesty MF’er.

Oh, and Yolanda email-burned Kyle and CC’ed everyone else on it. Not blind CC’ed, not accidentally replied all, loud and proud copied everyone on Kyle’s written spanking. (Have I mentioned how much I love Yolanda?) The producers have each housewife round robin read it. What a fun story time hour!

In order to properly celebrate the birthday that Lisa doesn’t want to draw attention to, she floats on a pink flamingo in her pool and makes her hired help bring her a cup of tea. Then she brings the girls down to her personal wine bar just so they can look at it, and then cuddle her new puppy “Schnooki”. Even though there are enough animals at the Vanderpump Estate to make up a traveling circus, Kathryn really wanted to get Lisa something that she wasn’t expecting. That’s why she tells Lisa her and Erika talked shit about her. HapPy BiRtHdAy Gurllllll! Everyone’s like what’s that? And Kathryn’s all, yeah Erika told me not to get caught in Vanderpump’s web, but more importantly she shed six years. I know, because I counted. Then collected them in a jar. Then Eileen stepped in and tried to back Erika up but basically just shoots herself in the foot and restarts her feud with Lisa from the Hamptons. I went through my bank statements dating back to 2014 because it’s infinitely more interesting than this new fight. THE END.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- A Carnival of Butts

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You’re never fully a housewife until we’ve seen your digs and Kathryn has officially been initiated. Since she has more than one abode, we got a peek at her “San Diego house” and it’s plush with holy Jerusalem stone and Italian marble. There’s even an infrared sauna, which everyone apparently has…well everyone except for Rinna. She probably can’t afford it with her QVC income but she knows she WANTS one. Ask her what an infrared sauna does and she would not be able to tell you but she does know that it does good stuff. So that’s all that matters.

During lunch at the San Diego “party house”, Eileen casually brings up how she’s been up all night tossing and turning trying to figure out who narc’ed to Yolanda. If you’ll recall, Erika flat out lied about it last week, but this week she owns up in that queen top bun of hers. “I told Yolanda and also this salad is amazing,” is all that needs to be said to move on to a very awkward and forced discussion about the food. This spins into a ha-ha but really actually serious conversation about how Rinna never eats. LoL Rinna eats once a year but also everyone would like to know why she’s discussing an eating disorder like a knock-knock joke. Cue the tossback to Kim telling Rinna to eat a piece of bread in Amsterdam and now we’ve full-on dove into a Kim tell-all for the new ladies who don’t care at all what happened last season but the producers told them to ask. Rinna puts a spin zone on her hulk-smashing of a wineglass off the table way back when but conveniently can’t really get into it with Kyle sitting right there. So Kyle dramatically excuses herself and sits in the other room with Lisa while the rest of the unaware dum dums continue their discussion of her sister on the patio. Does this really need to happen? I don’t think anyone is picking up this show right this second, so we’ve all SEEN this and don’t want to relive it. However, since they’re clearly stuck for storylines and there’s only so much Lyme disease we can talk about (that will be coming later on), we need to vet out characters and storylines past.

ALSO, so Kathryn can turn on her tears real quick and share with the group that her dad committed suicide when she was 13 and struggled with addiction, so that’s why she felt the need to insert herself into the Richards sister triangle of hate. The other room eavesdroppers enter back into the scene and are like omg, what did we miss? The real takeaway here is that everyone thinks Kathryn has a beautiful cry face and Rinna has a disgusting one.

After the trip, the Girardi’s and Vanderpumps have dinner. Or more accurately, they meet up to assess and judge each other one on one. Thankfully, Lisa approves of Erika’s husband and when Lisa approves of something you never need to worry, dahling. It’s probable that she likes Tom so much because he’s shamelessly slobbering all over her. At one point I wonder if maybe Ken and Erika should leave those two alone, but after seeing how Tom reacts when Erika interrupts him I dare not suggest that she leave a dinner unannounced. Tom telling Erika that it was not her turn to speak had a VERY dad hit mom at the dinner table and everyone’s acting like it’s fine feel to it.

This just in: Adrienne needs a paycheck and a platform to promote her new skincare line, so here she is lunching with Kyle. They’re wearing the same color HAHA, #twinsies. After Adrienne tells us where we can purchase her product, the gals dish some more about Kim and Kyle cries a lot. At the same time, Rinna shows her daughters some poems her sister wrote. It’s an ideal time to do so because Rinna’s sister died of an overdose and addiction is a hot button topic this episode. Obviously these poems relate back to Rinna talking about Kim and how deeply this affects her still.

But enough about addiction, it’s time to talk about Lyme disease again at Erika’s backyard banger. Take notes, Kyle, because BBQ’s should be more like this…with carnival games and gay men splashing about in the pool. Erika has a glam squad prepare her for the event after shitting all over Kyle for wearing a gown to her own BBQ so this seems hypocritical. Mikey is on standby to say things like, “Queen of everything has arrived, to her own party,” and watch Erika eat juicy corn on a stick so close to her Cavalli cover-up in horror.

Eileen shows up in a bikini/dress with abs and hips and cleavage for days. She proudly reveals that Erika took her shopping. It’s so cute how much Eileen wants to be just like Erika. Get down with your bad self, grl. Yolanda stole a white pantsuit from GiGi’s closet and it fits her perfectly, of course. Locky, a dancer for Katy Perry twerks by the side of the pool. GANG’S ALL HERE!

The girls all gather round the picnic table to talk about why Ken follows Lisa everywhere. Just kidding, they talk about Mowshen disease of course…and every other variation that Yolanda and her regal accent can come up with. Rinna’s like you still mad, Yo? And the answer is a hard yes. There’s a lot of shouting about munch-hausen-frausen and it’s nothing we haven’t heard before. It’s such a dumb fight that cutting to Donnie explaining football to Ken is a welcome interruption. Ken smiles politely while trying to keep an ear to the drama just in case he’s needed to make an insensitive comment or insult anyone who looks at Lisa wrong. The climax comes when Erika shouts “TELL US WHO SAID IT!!!!” to Rinna. Rinna doesn’t tell and then her and Yo hug it out. It’s funny because they were slinging spite to each other last week on Twitter, so that hug was about as useful as underwear is to Erika Jayne.

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