Well I’m about as exhausted as most of these women should and would look–if they didn’t have a plastic surgeon on call. After B2B terrible seasons, this is looking like my Real Housewives swan (Not Hanky or Panky) song…after the unnecessary 3 weeks of reunions, of course, I will be retiring from RHOBH. I’m going to predict that Yolanda will be retiring with me. Unless she’s seriously hard up for cash, I doubt Yo will return to hanging out with a bunch of betches who talk shit about her.
But before we get into that, let’s relive the Dubai rundown that all of the women FORCED their husbands to endure. Well, not all. Rinna met with her manager to discuss an uncensored talk show that I’m gonna go ahead and guess didn’t pan out.
Erika meets with Yo to talk about how they traveled across the world to visit a shopping mall. And Lisa, Eileen and Kathryn all recap girl crime for their hubs. Ken’s kneejerk reaction: Rinna is dead to him. He then calls her a bunch of British derogatory names. This is the most British I’ve ever seen him and he’s calling Rinna a wanker. What a douchemachine. Vince asks Eileen if he can give his opinion and she replies with a hard no. Donnie’s the only one who seems genuinely interested, even using kewl nicknames like LVP to get to the bottom of it. What a dreamboat he is. But seriously, your husbands don’t care about a 3 month long fight and neither do we.
Kyle throws a party at her desert house, cause season finale & it’s an ideal time to bring the whole group back together for one final standoff. Yolanda rolls through in a hot red dress and her new buzzcut that isn’t at all new to us but she’s feelin herself real hard. And even though I’m not thrilled about her baby pompadour, I’m willing to agree that I’m feelin her look too. Erika and Kim finally meet and Kim’s first words to Erika are, your hair is so long. Great observation, Kim. Good to see your social skills are still on point. Erika talks about watching Escape to Witch Mountain, which as we all know is the quickest way to Kim’s heart.
Then Rinna arrives at the party and immediately pulls Yo aside to be like I talked shit about you. So there. She kind of apologizes? And also narcs on LVP. (Love that nickname, thanks Donnie.) I get that Rinna wants to be known as the person who, in her words “owns her shit” but saying she’s going to fess up to talking smack and quickly shitting her pants and trying to apologize for it are two different ball games. Either admit you’ve spent a whole season pooping out of your mouth about Yolanda, or don’t say anything at all. While we’re on the topic of not saying anything at all, Rinna announces that she has sweaty panties. Thanks for that visz, maybe don’t park your RB curtz next to a fireplace while drinking, Rinna.
Other happenings at Kyle’s party that didn’t have skanky white dresses and un-ironic Fat Burger were:
-LVP doubling down on her lies and Kyle continuing to suck from her teet.
-Kim decides to make up for lost screen time and have a go at Rinna—who ends up looking like a G-D saint in comparison. Shhh, Kim. “Just get better.”
-LVP apologizes to Faye. OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE TO APOLOGIZE TO.
Because this show is despicable, they gather Kathryn, Kyle and Lisa 2 months later to comment on Yolanda’s divorce. And by comment I mean make assumptions and guesses about someone else’s marriage. This is pretty poetic considering they spent the whole season making assumptions and guesses about Yo’s lyme. #FullCircle
Rinna and Eileen meet up separately—it’s the holidays and there’s a chill in the air, according to Eileen. Rinna is wearing a tank top. Oh, Eileen, you precious bumblebee you, It’s California, it’s not cold out. That’s about as obnoxious as me declaring in Upstate New York that it feels like spring right now. But back to chatting about Yolanda, the only storyline this season, Rinna essentially declares that the divorce/Yolanda’s relationship problems were making her sick. Yes, I repeat, “now that the divorce is public, she’ll be feeling so much better.” HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO STUPID?! QUICK—SOMEONE CUT TO ERIKA’S GLAM PREZ MIKEY DESCRIBING THE DEFINITION OF HUNTY AGAIN TO CALM ME DOWN.
Even though this season was about as fun as I imagine freezing your entire body would be, I’d like to give some snaps for Erika Jayne, who stayed real AF the whole time and truly entertained me. Keep doing you, mami.
And Kyle, keep doing less.