I realize this is almost a week late and I would apologize but I took all of last week off from blogging because I decided that I deserved it. On the bright side, I was vacationing in Nashville for the better part of last week and therefore we can count it as research. To which I will tell you that The Bluebird Café is not a lovely wooden bar with twinkly lights and celeb status, it is a hole in the wall located directly next to a McDonalds in the middle of nowhere and you are charged 3 extra fees just to sit inside it for 2 hours. *QUIETLY* So there’s some TV magic ruined for ya’ll.

Anyway, since we’re talking about things ruined, let’s talk about how baby Cadence is the human form of a C-block. When Avery and Layla finally, no surprise to anyone, smooch on their tour bus of love, Cadence lets out a howl that says, “no one will be getting any on this bus.” Then later on, after Juliette tries her typical manipulation to get Avery onstage with her, she finally fesses up and tells him she still loves him and they should try again. At the pucker of Juliette’s lips, Cadence turns on the waterworks. Congrats you two, you created a monster. Avery found a quick way around that though when he has Emily drop the little cockblock off at Juliette’s room to signify that he’ll be having a slumber party elsewhere. Ugh. Terrible decision, Avery. Calling Juliette during sex would’ve been less mean than using your own child as a flag to wave that you’re getting laid.

In related “things that were obviously going to happen” news, Scarlett and Gunnar get stuck in an elevator because the show needed a small place for them to finally harness their sexual tension and face it head on. Their foreplay is whiskey and “If I Didn’t Know Better.” They bang and that’s obvious.

And onto our melodramatic teen that wants to, in Daphne’s sad, sad words “divorce her family”, we’ve added Teddy back into the equation, which I think is pretty lolworthy because a few recaps ago I mused if he even still existed. Lo and behold, here’s Teddy still rotting in jail, except now he’s being asked to sign off on the emancipation before Maddie takes it to court. Maddie visits her fake dad in jail and is all, Deacon attacked some guy at the club feeling me up, so you can see how unfair this is, sign the papers and side with me. Except not so fast…Teddy reveals he only signed Maddie to Edgehill because of the whole blackmailed for banging a hooker thing. Remember that? The thing that got him thrown in the clink to begin with? Well, it didn’t really help the whole lying/manipulating parents sitch, whoopsie, so Teddy has been dismissed from the show, probably forever.

On Rayna’s side, she gets to that little snake Cash and threatens her with, “I will make sure no one from music row to lower broad will ever work with you again.” Cash should be shaking in her boots because Rayna basically owns Nashville and also since I’m a recent tourist of the city, I know that those are actual neighborhoods there. Ask me where they are and I will tell you I have not a clue. At one point I discovered I was in music row because a new snapchat geo-tag showed up that said “Music Row”. I know, I’m a genius.

Rayna catches Maddie at a vulnerable moment and thinks she gets her to call the whole deal off, then Maddie shows up last minute at the Opry to play with Daphne for a benefit. Except it turns out she didn’t LOVE what Rayna said to Cash and the emancipation is STILL ON. She only showed up to prove that Daphne and her are still sisters even though she’s bare-handed ripping this family apart. Everyone cries, including Rayna whose singing. I wouldn’t feel fab about paying for tix at the Opry and having the lead act cry onstage. PS I’ve been on that stage, NBD but KBD. Double PS, if you ever go to Nashville, skip the Opry backstage tour because it is literal dirt, and they wheel in a TV (substitute teacher style) with Deacon Clayborne on it to read the history of their soundstage. I see him every week on my TV; I don’t need to pay $35 for it. Alright, I’m done yapping about my life. See YA next week in court.