Since I definitely lost sleep over whether or not our new minor character that’s only been in like 2 episodes is okay, let’s get this right out of the way. Riff told his wife he’ll be home when he’s “good and ready”, which is a mature adult thing to do. Then he’s admitted to a hospital for having a stroke, as a result of days of boozing, pills, Viagra, and sex. And the cherry on top of the disgusting sundae that is Riff’s extracurriculars, he was found and brought to the hospital by an escort. Well, well, looks like the family man and hot dad has a darker than drunk Deacon side to him. All because of tour life. SO I guess he’s out!
The Exes are still IN on tour with that devious AF country singer. New revelation: Autumn’s neighbor is James Taylor, of course and she uses it to lure Gunnar like she’s driving by a bunch of kids with a free candy van. Gunnar is like I LOVE JAMES TAYLOR and then she’s like k come BY YOURSELF and he realizes there’s a potential rape in the mix and says no thank you. Was that too aggressive to compare Autumn to a chomo? Probably. Do I care? Never. She also buddies up to Scarlett for a little spa day and so Gunnar’s like k, everyone’s friends so I guess it’s okay if I go to Autumn’s hotel room by myself.
Don’t call it a comeback but Juliette has breakfast with Glenn and Emily (because she pays them to be around her at all times) and she’s like, GANG’S ALL BACK TOGETHER! Avery decides to be bandleader to Layla’s tour and she promptly inserts her lips to his ass and gives him her bedroom on the tour bus, complete with crib. Except since Riff is now unconscious or whatever (some people just can’t handle strippers&blow, amirite?) there’s a headlining spot on the tour open, so Juliette obviously adds herself to the bill and is like hey ya’ll I’m BACK FO REALZ. LoVe TrIaNgLe.
Ya boy Will is having some love troubles surfing Grinder because he’s jelly AF that Kevin has been sharing Pinot with another man. He doesn’t have to swipe right for long because lo and behold there’s some man candy in his backup singers crew who won’t stop drooling over him. Obviously in cringeworthy events he invites him out for a beer thinking it’s a date and this guys is straight AF. LoLz dating faux pas. Backup singer also offers to hook Will up with his gay cousin, what a gent. And also kind of a moron. “Hey I know a gay person, you should mate!”
And last but certainly not least, Maddie’s such a wild child and a bad gurrrrl that she snuck right on out of the house before she could be punished for sexing it up onstage and getting a creeptastic leg caress. AND DAPHNE BLAMES HERSELF. That sweet, sweet cherub. Rayna rolls into Cash’s place guns blazing looking for Maddie and Cash is like check this out your hubs is SO aggressive and conveniently pulls up a quick vid. Rayna tosses her hair and tells Cash to suck it, or at least she should have because Cash deserves a good SUCK IT. After Rayna leaves Maddie comes out of her hiding place, how she could have ever hidden in time when Rayna rolled up that quick is TV MAGIC. Maddie wails about how her parents JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HER and Cash is like k but your mom gave you a record deal… So the two of them put their idiot teenager heads together and decide to get Maddie emancipated so she can sign with Sony, become a preteen super star and shave her head/have a drug addiction by 18. Even better, Maddie’s probably going to live with Cash who’s like obsessed with her or something. Gr8 plan!!! But like, maybe if Deacon weren’t such an angry elf this all wouldn’t have happened.
PS- total props for the Thomas Rhett cameo of singing the most romantic adorbsies song ever. Kind of makes up for all the name drops they throw around and don’t follow through on. Kind of.