Tag Archives: Selena Gomez

Playlist

Pub Nights

My favorite thing about music is that any given song can immediately transport you back to a specific time in your life. This playlist is a love letter to my golden years of partying it up in TogaTown. Even though I lived in Saratoga from ages 18-22, I was at college, so it was really just snippets during winter/summer break. The time period I’m memorializing through song here is ages 24-28 (2015-2019) when I was REALLY cookin’ on Caroline St.

Here’s a bzz’ed artsy shot of said street.

In the heyday my pals and I became regulars at Caroline St. Pub, hence the name ‘Pub Nights.’ It’s at this bar where we got probably too close to the staff, spent all of our money (my dad was splitting rent with me, so always a mature decision to spend money you don’t have at the local pub), and took way too many bombs to remember. A bomb was a Monster energy drink+flavored vodka shot and if you took too many you felt like you could lift a car above your head but also might burst into tears if someone looked at you weird. What a time to be alive.

Side bar: even if you weren’t a part of this particular era, I’m sure anyone who is reading can relate to the feeling of being in your twenties and grabbing life by the bombs. You’re still young and dumb, you’ve got a little bit of independence, and you’re either in an entry-level job that doesn’t really matter much or you’re working in restaurants (or both) where everyone hangs and bangs. It’s pure chaos but also pure bliss. You have no clue what’s coming next or when you’re going to get your shit together but it also doesn’t matter at all. And honestly, not for nothing, but my friend and I were just looking back on those times and wondering how the hell we afforded to go out as much as we did on garbage salaries. My first FT job paid me $12 an hour and I also worked as a hostess on the weekends for probably another $8-$10 an hour. I look at my financial sitch now and I’m baffled. I don’t know if it’s a combo of inflation and the fact that I never tried for a second to save money back then, but WTF? I make triple that now and if I go out for one night I am financially ruined. I blow my entire month’s “fun” budget on a few spressies and a couple Ubers. And then I remind myself that this is why I’ll never own a home.

Anyway, back to fonder memories of spending my peak legal drinking years in a town where the bars stay open until 4am and every summer the population quadruples for track season. Before you get the dance party started with this playlist, I’d like to toss out some honorable mentions to the places and people who made these years so spesh, if I may. First and foremost, Popcorn Brian. I could write an entire chapter of a book about this man (in fact I did) but I’ll try to briefly sum up the magic. Popcorn Brian was a man in his fifties who went out solo and preyed on young chicks. The first night I spotted him, he was elbows deep in popcorn at Gaffney’s and I immediately named him Popcorn Guy, which of course came to include his government name when he added himself into my phone on a night when I was the prey in 2013. We quickly settled into being “hi” friends and every night that I went out for 8 years, if I saw Popcorn Brian we said hello and usually he slipped me a compliment. (WAY better than slipping me a roofie.) If Popcorn Brian saw me and didn’t compliment my outfit, I would immediately want to go home and change because clearly I looked like a walking dumpster. He was the epitome of what Saratoga Nights were, especially in the summer. You never knew what you were gonna get, but you were probably going to get a story out of it.

Secondly, of course all of my gal pals who were down to clown and take our outfits way too seriously, or a theme, or singing front row with the bands, or commanding the dance floor. These years were so fun and ridiculous and I couldn’t have done it without you! That literally felt like I was signing a Saratoga drunk nights yearbook, but it’s all true. HAGS.

Pub Nights were for the girls.

Thirdly, I’ve already shouted out Caroline St. Pub, but while most people gravitate to the bartenders at a bar and want to become friends with them for free drinks, I’m the weirdo who wants to become friends with the bouncers instead. Never once got a free drink at Pub, but I did get to kick it with my homeslices Bob & George. I would literally leave my group of friends to stand against a wall and survey the crowd. Why? Because I have ALWAYS wanted to get paid to stand in a corner and people-watch with my naturally resting bitch face. But alas, I don’t have a penis, nor muscles, and therefore could never be a bouncer. I also would never be able to break up a fight. In fact, one could argue my face says my thoughts so loudly that it could actually start a fight. So thank you to my two fave bouncers for letting me moonlight/drunkenly have a running commentary on everyone in the bar. Hope your paychecks were thicc for putting up with me every Saturday night.

Fourthly, is fourthly even a word? Feels wrong, but whatevs. The live music in Togz! I give sincere individualized apologies in my song descriptions below because I for sure took being a fan a scooch too far, but I LIVED for a live band night, especially on a patio. Soul Session used to do Thursday nights in the summer at Gaffneys and you’d get all ages gathering to dance and sing. It was a whole vibe. Guess you had to be there.

Fifthly, have you given up on reading this blog because it hasn’t even started yet and it’s definitely too long already? Chowderfest. I really don’t need to say anything about this other than, pre-2019, there were no open container laws and we were livin’ LOARGE dumping hot creamy soups and alcohol down our throats outside all day in February. If you’re still in Saratoga and not bogged down by responsibilities (children) pls do me a favor and crack a cold one on Caroline this Chowderfest in my honor. (But like don’t be obvious cause you can get arrested now.) I would say take a shot off the Sperry’s ice luge but I imagine a hunk of ice that everyone puts their mouths on didn’t survive Covid…

Closer – The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

We’re starting off with a bang because I can’t even begin to relay to you how INVINCIBLE I felt scream singing, “WE AIN’T EVER GETTING OLDER” with a bunch of other tipsy twenty-somethings in a crowded bar. So great that I also went on to name a Facebook album the very same thing. I’d still be posting 200 photo FB albums if I didn’t think I was going to get boo’ed off this planet. What a lost art it was to create a unique & entertaining caption for every terrible picture I posted. This generation’s “photo dump” girlies could never. But I digress…I don’t want to give The Chainsmokers all of the credit here because they turned out to be real big douchers who let this smash hit go right to their frat bruh heads, but this song is a *moment.* It perfectly captures what it’s like to be young and messy and make poor decisions. Halsey crushed as she always does and this was the time period when she started to release her own music, which I promptly became obsessed with as well. Also no hate to the roommate back in Boulder, but they made it sound cool as hell to be a mattress thief.

I’m A Mess – Bebe Rexha

Full discloszh, I heard this in Stop & Shop a couple months ago and this is the song that started my spiral back into creating this playlist. I was just browsing the shredded cheeses and almost teared up singing in my head “everything’s gonna be ok, that’s what my therapists say.” I had a visceral memory of singing this at my friend Kim’s apt, saying this was our new anthem because Bebe was crushing the self-love while also giving a shout out to her therapist. It was the message all of us insecure 20-somethings needed at that time. I sure believed Bebe that everything was gonna be alright. And guess what?! I’m no longer Venmo-requesting half of my rent from my parents and leaving the bar crying because my drunk boyfriend accused me of looking at the singer (who we were all looking at because he was performing) so it IS A GOOD, GOOD LIFE!

Bad Things – mgk ft. Camila Cabello

Listen, the girlies were going through a real bad girl moment in 2017. Taylor was in her Reputation Era and all the other pop hooches were like HEARD, we can do this. My friend Kelly introduced me to this song and for WHATEVER reason, I immediately correlate it with thigh high boots. For years I thought it was because Camila was wearing some in the music video and that’s what solidified that trend and me NEEDING to get a pair, but I just rewatched the video and homegrl ain’t wearing boots. So I guess it’s one of those moments my brain made up. For anyone who cares (no one) the-over-the-knee boot coincided with the bad grrl moment of 2017 and I dragged my mom to the mall (RIP) and got myself a pair of my own at The Bon Ton (RIPx2). I still have them and thank God I do because the trend swung right back around and I’ve never been more pleased to dust them off and debut them again. Boots as pants should FOREVER be a trend.

Also, fun fact, for whatever reason someone misspoke at work or drunkenly made up a word, and called that style of boots dopelopes, and ever since then, I actually struggle to call them anything else. If you think it’s stupid that I just wrote a whole paragraph about boots that are taller than normal, think about what a fuss I made at that time, the first night I wore them to the bar, with a sweater dress I specifically bought to wear with them! I forced a photoshoot with my BFF Kristi so the lewk could forever remain in our hearts and our minds. So basically, nothing’s changed because I still do that when I’m wearing a kickass outfit. PS s/o to mgk for being the toxic trashy boyfriend with a hot GF that’s too good for him for a full decade now. Quite an image to uphold.

The best part is after all that, you can’t even see my dopelopes in this picture!

Shape of You – Ed Sheeran

Ed had just released Divide in 2017 and I don’t think there was a day when I didn’t have that full album on repeat. (If you’re a longtime fan you’ll know that I gave it a track by track recap and it’s one of my faves he’s released.) I won’t punish your ears by putting Galway Girl on here even though I overplayed the shit out of that song this particular year. I even made it my alarm song, so I started each day ready to Irish jig all over the haters. Instead, I’ll include this bangpiece that was often in rotation at the pub. My hips DID NOT LIE when this beat was beatin.

My Own Worst Enemy – Lit

Sure, this song came out in 1999, but you’ve never experienced a REAL cover band unless they’ve let this song rip. This is such a classic drinking song, and I probably heard it every single weekend for 4 years straight. Quite literally never gets old. In fact, just the beginning guitar riff makes me taste Bud Light. Also, peek behind the scenes, when I was creating this playlist, I wanted to reach out to some friends who were a part of this era to make sure I included the songs that always made them think of our sloppy times, and while I was out here focusing exclusively of the pop hits of the time, they honed in on the 90’s and early 2000’s throwbacks these bands were singing as we moshed in the front row. Thank God for crowdsourcing because I was forever fuzzy on the deets in this time period. How could I forget being overserved and wailing PLEASE TELL ME WHYYYYYYYYYY with 100 sweaty strangers?!

New Rules – Dua Lipa

I discovered Dua Lipa through this song and oOh baby did this one hit home. There was a brief period of time when all of my gal pals sent their boyfs packin. They blamed it on mercury being in retrograde or something, which is a fun PR spin to put on dumping guys that probably deserved to be dumped. Regardless, this song coincided with the great dumping. Say dump again, Julia. And WE WERE FEELIN OURSELVES. It was Summertime and the livin’ was track season, BB! So we were hitting the bars and trying to follow Dua’s v. strict set of rules. And then Fall hit and we had a great theme party to celebrate the end of Mercury f*cking around. Welp, 50% of us failed and ended up taking those boys back and I wore that boy’s Space Jam shirt to said mercury theme party. I would LOVE to have a moment where I’m like it was our twenties, tough stuff, lesson learned. But HA! I never learned my damn lesson and I can say with my WHOLE-ass heart, Dua knew what the hell she was talkin about and I should’ve listened to her then. 1. Don’t pick up the phone. 2. Don’t let him in. 3. Don’t be his friend. Happy to report that so far in 2025, I’ve followed all three rules. First time for everything.

Despacito Remix – Luis Fonsi ft. Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber

This was Bieber’s last hurrah of making music before he got married/retired and he was ALL about the collabs with DJ’s and rappers and latin popstars and every single one slapped suh hard, it was tricky to choose just one. Picked this one for a little culture and because it’s an instant hip-swayer. Did I learn a lick of Spanish from this song (or the 4 years of actual Spanish classes that I took?) No. Did I learn how to put some stank on Puerto Rico? HELL YEA I DID! This is how we do it down in *POO-WHERE-TO* RICO.

Cheap Thrills – Sia

Whether there was a dedicated dance floor at a bar or not, during this era, I’mma be dancin. Realistically, by the time I arrived at the bar around midnight, I was already a bottle of wine deep and it wasn’t hard to feel loose enough to groove immediately. And this song is the epitome of a bop and lyrics are basically exactly what my life was at that point. Friday and Saturday night, get cute, toss back some adult bevvies and hit the dance floor. As we’ve previously established by questioning how I could afford any of this, I didn’t need money as long as I could feel the beat.

Snapback – Old Dominion

You may wonder what a country song is doing in a mix of clerb pop beats and that’s a valid concern. This song is singlehandedly responsible for me clasping onto a trend that I have yet to really let go of and it is the exact opposite of thigh high boots. A band full of hot country boys singing about how sexy it is for a girl to wear a backwards hat was ALL I NEEDED to think that I looked like a total babe soda in a backwards hat. I’ve always been a hat gal, but this period of time is when I really ratcheted it into another stratosphere and the very first enabler of this trend was none other than local band Toga Boys who decided to sell snapbacks for $5. I’d like to preface this story by saying that when I commit to a bit, I do it so hard that it might scare some people. My first summer back in Saratoga I discovered Toga Boys and their weekly residency at Gaffneys, realized I had a raging crush on the lead singer who wore the hell out of a backwards hat, and then made it my mission to be at pretty much every show he played ever. Not only did I look like a creepy groupie, but I took it a step further and talked him into giving me a free hat, then I proceeded to never take that hat off for a solid calendar year. I wore that thing everywhere and because of OD brainwashing me into thinking I looked hot, I HONESTLY THOUGHT I LOOKED HOT. I still wear backwards hats, mostly at the beach, but at least I now know I look like a total lez and I just DGAF. Still waiting on those royalties for creating the PERFECT album cover for Toga Boys should they ever release original tunes with that donut float.

…Ready For It? – Taylor Swift

I mean, I’m not gonna talk about Reputation and not include a song from it. To say this album was iconic would be the biggest understatement of the century. A country/pop star who never swore and always kept a pretty squeaky clean image goes basically into hiding for a few years and then drops THIS HEATER?! The album was all F-OFF anthems and her look was EMO. I was obsessed and I always think of this album when I look back on these years. It was a whole attitude and I embraced it full force with my chokers and my dark lipstick. SO hard to pick one song so I just went for the all encompassing fan fave and most annoying phrase that I’ve ever gotten stuck in my head.

S.O.B. – Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats

Another nod to the local live music scene in Saratoga, after spending a couple of years stalking Toga Boys and their other band variations, I stumbled upon 2096 and suddenly, my obsession was transferred. Where Toga Boys leaned more into the classic and alt rock hits, 2096 incorporated more folksy stuff that you didn’t typically hear covered at the bar. I’ve only ever heard this song performed by them. In fact, this band was at the Stone Pony last year and when I heard this song I was like OH I KNOW THIS from Saratoga. Pretty offensive that the actual band was singing it and I was like ugh, it’s not 2096. Still don’t know any of the words, but I know SON OF A BITCH and oooooHHHHoooohHHoooooOOHOOhhhoohhh. And that’s all that matters. It’s such a fun group singalong song. Other honorable mentions from this band that got me in my feels EVERY time was Little Lion Man (another great crowd anthem) and Chasing Cars, which I had also never heard covered and legit teared up every time they performed it. Since I know how incredibly weird I was when I became super into a band, I will also issue a formal apology to these guys because I took “you’re a fun band to see live” the farthest always and I think I once DM’ed them a bunch of pictures I took of them performing like I was their social media manager. The pictures were awful as I was for sure seeing double. SORRY I’M A CREEP!

Sorry – Beyonce

JK I’m not sorry, cause Beyonce taught me to literally never be sorry and also that men ain’t shit. If you’re getting tired of me being like OMG ICONIC BAD GURLS, get over it because I’m TELLING YOU 2017 was for the gurleeeze. We were having ourselves a reckoning. Taylor vs. Kanye. Camila vs. mgk. Selena vs. Justin. Ariana vs. all of her exes. Beyonce vs. Jay-Z. Sir did you think you could cheat on Beyonce and she WOULDN’T have something to say?! Not only do I love a song that gives me permission to flip the bird as a dance move (and I definitely did) but without this song, we’d never have been gifted Becky with the Good Hair. It’s meant to be a burn, but honestly, I’d die to be called Julia with the Good Hair. So much so, that I somehow ended up translating the nickname to my boyfriend at the time because he had given me a nickname and I felt I should return the favor. Of course, his nickname for me was Droolz because I unfortunately had a period of time in my youth where I demanded to be called Jules and also food/spit were spraying out of my mouth almost every minute of every day. And I called him Becky with the Good Hair, Bex for short, because he had long hair that was for sure nicer than mine. Do you see the disparity? Boy, BYE.

This Is What You Came For – Calvin Harris & Rihanna

Even though we found out via ‘SCREW THE WORLD’ Tay that she basically wrote this song and let Calvin Harris take the credit because they were dating at the time, it doesn’t even matter because what A BANGER. This is exactly what you want to flail your limbs to on a Saturday night until 4am. For those of you unfamilz with Saratoga, there’s a bar on the corner of Caroline St called City Tavern and each floor all the way up to the roof has something different going on. The 4th floor was coined “the boom boom room” and I think you can picture exactly what that means. This is a boom boom room song. Strobes and mmst mmst mmst and Popcorn Brian grindin all up on YA. You’re welcome for that visz.

Summer of ’69 – Bryan Adams

My dad can vouch for this but my sister and I heard this performed out in Saratoga and immediately called and told him to learn it because we never want to see live music again without Summer of ’69. Credit to him because he did learn it and he’s played it every time we’re both at one of his gigs and we get up and jump around like idiots to it. It goes without saying that summer is my favorite season, so a song that glorifies all of the good times of summers when you’re young will always hold a special place in my very foggy memories. And not for nothing? You literally can’t beat a Saratoga Summer. So once again, thank you to Justin Joyner of Toga Boys, Motion Blur, & Gravity for bringing Summer of ’69 back into my life and ALSO putting up with me creepin fangirl style with my backwards hat and my weird ongoing bit in the summer of 2016 where I referred to you as my boyfriend without you knowing because I thought it was funny. Oop!

Stressed Out – Twenty One Pilots

I remember this song being bumped a lot, also Imagine Dragons’ “Thunder” which is kinda similar vibes but I’m sorry I can’t possibly give kudos to a song that just screams lightning and thunder over and over again. Anyway, this little ditty is tongue and cheek because I’m sure I sang it at the time with my whole heart wanting to turn back time to less stressful days. And now I listen to these lyrics and think WE WERE IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS. What the hell was I stressed out about at 25? Probably my bar tab.

All The Small Things – Blink-182

Another cover band crowd pleaser!! Gets the people going and I’ve never screamed WORK SUCKS, I KNOW harder for someone whose typical day at work consisted of sorting through chaps, dildos, and Four Loko dresses leftover from a Fat Jew show. Jk that was just one job. In this four year stint of living in Saratoga, I had 9 jobs. That’s not an exaggeration. 9 jobs in 4 years. Guess what? They all sucked. Jk the one where I planned beer festivals and got to travel to Hawaii was siiick. Too bad they laid me off after a cool 6 months. Now you know why I needed hit the bars as much as I did. “SAY IT AIN’T SO, I WILL NOT GO.” – Me when they turned the lights on at 4am.

Back To You – Selena Gomez

Remember the show 13 Reasons Why? You shouldn’t. It was DARK. Real hot in the streets at this time and this song was in it. I had to quit it cold turkey because watching all the reasons that a teenager commits suicide was not helping my newfound panic attacks, which also started around this time. Anyway, kinda unrelated but I just wanted to set the scene for what was hot in the streets 8 years ago. This song came out and everyone was like OBVIOUSLY THIS IS ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER and then I found out that a singer who I met in college (my cr33pin on musicians goes WAY back) wrote this hit. Awesome for him, not so much for all of us Selena-Biebs stans. As someone who more than once, unironically, referred to her own relationship as the Selena and JB of Saratoga because of how many times we broke up and got back together, I guess I can relate to this song. Also suuuuper catchy.

Mr. Brightside – The Killers

You wanna instantly liven up a room full of sloshed white people? Play Mr. Brightside. Epic. Whether it was being sung by the band or got queued up on Touch Tunes, everyone was comin out of their cage. See what I did there? For people my age, this song dropped at a pivotal time in our lives, 8th grade. We started having school dances in 7th grade. So essentially, I’ve been partying to Mr. Brightside since it debuted. And it brings the house down every damn time. And I’ll repeat this story until I’m 6 ft under but when The Killers do a show, they open with Mr. Brightside and I honestly can’t get over it. It’s either the cockiest move or the dumbest move because then everyone’s like peace thanks for the show. Either way, I can’t imagine ever hearing this song and not immediately feel ready to run through a brick wall and also take a tequila shot.

Truth Hurts – Lizzo

Ok, so the majority of the pop hits I’ve included in this playlist came out in 2016/2017. That’s when I was going hardest in the paint. By 2018/2019, I had considerably slowed my bar outings and was opting for more settled weekend activities. Read: I was broke as a joke and had to be more selective about which nights I wanted to throw money away and then also delete the following day to a full 24-hour hangover. All that to say, I slowed my roll, but when Lizzo hit the scene and blew the summer of 2019 wide open, it was GAME ON. You could not escape this song. You’d be scrolling IG and see 3 posts in a row with the caption, “I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% that bitch.” (Guilty.) I remember going to see The Jonas Brothers in Albany and the entire arena singing along to this as if Lizzo herself was onstage…it was literally just the pre-show music. Truth is, she posed a great question that we still don’t know the answer to: why men great til they gotta be great? You can get back to me on that.

Shut Up and Dance – WALK THE MOON

Closing out strong with a song that was requested every time we went out by my girl Kim. This was her jam and if a live band didn’t play it for her, they were dead to us. She’d command the dance floor and it was fun to sit back and watch her give her heart and soul to performing it every time it played, but it was even more fun to get in the mix and have the whole group scream-singing it. A solid core memory of my golden years of Saratoga and I will never hear this song and not think of that time. Plus, it’s just a clean, feel-good bop. A wholesome song about dancing to a snappy beat. Does it get any better?!

Alright, the playlist is over. Now go get a doughboy from Esperanto and stumble on home.

Oh, you’re still here? Great. Feast your eyes on a throwback to the relic of Facebook albums with this visual walk down memory lane.

  • The time my mom gave me a trampstamp at Grey Gelding when I wasn’t even of legal drinking age yet.
  • A weeknight at Gaffneys in the off-season
  • See? RBF could start some fights.
  • My love.
  • Must finish the bottle before heading to the bars. This photo was taken at midnight.
  • Pre-Doughboy photoshoot
  • If I was this unhinged on the way to the bar, imagine what the walk home looked like.
  • RIP Sperrys Chowderfest ice luge. 2015
  • The last run in 2019
  • Apparently I chalked while drunk too.
  • Car Bombs at Parting Glass, another staple.
  • Rock at Desperate Annie’s was my ride or die.
  • Forced myself onstage with 2096 for my birthday. Plz note the backwards hat.
  • This flag was my personal backdrop pt 1
  • pt 2
  • pt 3
  • I declared November exclusively for backless shirts and called it Bovember because I’m an idiot.
  • Accidentally coordinating with Grinder
  • Just your average Thursday.
  • All the awards to the band for trusting two drunk girls with a probs expensive guitar for a Halloween photoshoot.
  • Mercury Girlies
  • The time I made my parents do bombs.
  • St Patricks
  • Will never stop drinking and backwards hatting.
  • Snow Day = Booze Day
  • Blizzards were just an opportunity to bar hop in a blanket.
  • Caroline St Sledding
  • The time I wore snowpants to Kings and was probably still the best dressed person there.
  • We brought balloons and treats for George’s 60th.
  • The next 10 photos are a series I like to call Posing with Total Strangers
  • There is no age limit
  • I definitely told this guy he had a fresh fit and demanded a photo
  • Ugly Sweater Pub Crawl
  • This was a recreation of Titanic?
  • The infamous Chowderfest Tigger
  • Sup bruh
  • My entire 25th birthday was a scavenger hunt of pics with strangers so instead of posting them all I picked a few especially weird ones
  • Mouth tats
  • and prom poses
  • s/o Tap & Barrel, another frequented joint
  • No open container laws 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • The ole boot & rally.
  • Choose not to count how many times I walked home barefoot.
  • Sry KC, you seemed to fall victim to all of my “MUST TAKE A PHOTO IN THIS OUTFIT” nights
  • Passed.
  • Bombs away with Saratoga Rikki!
  • This bar changed names 900 times, idk what it’s called now but what a moment when it opened and had a cool neon sign
  • And inflatable props.
  • We really loved Hawaii.
  • And props!
  • It’s a miracle I’ve ever had friends..
  • The time I took my mom to Pub to show her where I spend all her money.
  • Car bombs & chokers.
  • More chokers
  • OG Pres
  • TY Alex for introducing me to Soul Session & Desperate Annies
  • Never without a Bud Latte and I certainly got my money’s worth on this outfit I probably paid $15 for and wore downtown 900 times.
  • My first and basically last time at The Horseshoe.
  • We yelled at strangers a lot.
  • Just Audrina DJ’ing at Gaffs
  • The only time I’ve ever been captured by a professional photographer at the bar. Good thing I was sobez.
  • Green tea shots washed down with a beer
  • My last night living in Saratoga, getting behind the bar at Harvey’s and apparently posing with cash like a rapper.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/6/2020

1. JT World Tour. 

Just because shit isn’t taping at a studio, doesn’t mean we are spared press tours. JT is the latest to be making the rounds hawking Trolls World Tour–which is one of the first movies to go right to streaming rental, bypassing the movie theaters. (Whole other argument, but we shouldn’t be forced to pay $20 to watch a movie at home. Reserve that bend over pricing for seats that somewhat recline, a 50 ft movie screen and movie theater popcorn that is so buttery your hands are legit greased over. If that’s not the environment I’m viewing the movie in, I will pay no more than 0 dollars. Tysm.) ANYWAY, JT is all over the damn place this week. Kickin it with J.Fall for bro hour on the Tonight Show, dropping new music videos, doing radio interviews and he even made an appearance on Hot Wings, the YouTube show where celebrities eat spicy wings and try not to immediately have explosive hot diarrhea tear out of their butthole while they answer questions about their life. I would embed that video here but it was 30 minutes of JT saying the wings were hot and he was going to need a toilet later. So really, I’m sparing y’all. As a very public JT fangirl, I can be completely honest with you and say that quarantine press does not agree with him. I got excited to see his bits with Jimmy because they always make me giggle and want to be a part of their BFF inside jokes but this Quarantine remix and the interview that followed were not up to par for my entertainment. The hardest I laughed in the interview was when Jimmy did finger guns because JT razzes him real hard on that but otherwise I was really rooting for them to be funnier or just do another History of Rap or something. I guess their bits only work in person.

So I was already feeling let down by that, then I’m cruising through People.com, business as usual and I stumble upon this headline:

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And I got ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP. There is not a CHANCE that these two attention whores are also full-on parents without hired help. Kids need the MOST attention in the world and Silas has an actress mom and a singer/actor/comedian dad. NO WAY ARE THESE TWO 24-HOUR PARENTING. They have AT LEAST two nannies and I will not hear anything otherwise. They’re quarantined in one of their homes in Montana, so they’re out in the middle of nowhere and if there’s one thing that I know for SURE about celebrities, when they vacation or isolate themselves, they bring the whole G-D paid staff with them. Chefs, maids, nannies, what have you. Do not for a second bitch about how hard parenting is when you’re rich AF and probably just kick it with your son when your schedule allows. I’m just now realizing that I might still harbor some bitter resentments about JT publicly cheating on Jess in December and it’s all coming out now that he’s doing media again. I apologize for not working through these issues sooner, but JT you’re in timeout for a little while. Drop a new heater (not Trolls-related) and we’ll talk about getting back in my good graces. This also seems like an ideal time to remind everyone that when he cheated, my ex-boyf’s mom texted me to gossip about it and she told me I’m prettier than Jessica Biel and I will sing that from the rooftops until they put me in the ground. Never forget.

2. I Need Jessica Simpson Confidence.

Jessica Simpson posted this compare/contrast for giggles and my immediate thought was that it takes the most confident woman in the world to post a Rolling Stone Cover from her early 20’s where her body is in peak condish, she’s tanned, toned and professionally made up next to THAT. Sometimes I take ugly selfies on snapchat where I clearly don’t have makeup on and my hair is greasy or there’s a zit on my face and send it discreetly to my mom or my sister for a little “lol I’ll die alone because I’m hideous” but Jessica Simpson was like IDGAF and put one of those pics out to her 5.3 million followers next to the magazine cover that basically caused her divorce. Jk, it wasn’t the magazine cover SPECIFICALLY, it was mostly that Nick is a far less talented loser living in her shadow and being v. jelly about it for their entire marriage. I can say these things because I read Open Book and rewatched the entire series of Newlyweds, so basically not only are Jess and I best friends, but I know everything there is to know about her life. Highly recommend reading her book if you enjoy shooting celebrity gossip straight into your veins like I do. You have to get through a LOT of Jesus talk to get there, but trust me, it’s worth it. It also allowed me to watch Newlyweds with a whole new filter and realize that it’s finally time to stop shipping a Nick and Jess reunion and calling them the perfect couple because they really did not like each other and Nick was a reeealll douche. He’s the host of Love is Blind now, so obviously all is well with him. No hard feelzies. (But Team Jess for Lyfe.)

3. Full House Forever.

The show that will never go quietly into the night (don’t even get me started on Fuller House and what a horrifically campy show that comeback turned out to be) decided to lean into TikTok and create their own updated opening credits. The show may never die, but Aunt Becky SURELY did because they kicked her RIGHT out of the family. Don’t care if you’re not in jail yet, Lori, the cast can’t have you dragging down their TikTok views with bad pub. Interesting spin that Becky’s out, but Jeff Franklin is in when he caught a little bit of #MeToo flack recently for inapprops behavior. SEXISM. Either way, 10/10 for Mr. T’s bit. This is really his time to shine.

4. 9021-No.

View this post on Instagram

Watch this video. Nuff said. @torispelling

A post shared by Dean McDermott (@imdeanmcdermott) on

Yaknow I love 90210 and I love razzin on your girl Tori Spelling who will publicly do ANYTHING to make money, but she’s getting a little blowback for that right now and I couldn’t stop myself from soaking it in. Her husb and known sex addict Dean is a little rough and tumble and definitely doesn’t do much to bring home the bacon, but he does love to spout off on social media to defend his wife and kids. This time T is getting shit on not for feeding her kids too much, but for charging fans $95 for a virtual meet and greet. Look, I get both sides here. As someone who is extremely unemployed, I want to punch everyone whose preaching to make donations and support local businesses and spend all this money right now that I most certainly don’t have. Yet, I’ve also gotten very comfy with my favorite singers putting out free weekly concerts on instagram and all of the paid subscriptions releasing shows and movies that I was too poor to watch before and stores begging me to buy their clothes with 70% off sales every day. I’m not quite sure how to exist in a world where I fork over $95 to Zoom with Tori Spelling and take a screenshot of us not physically together. HOWEVER, Tori Spelling is out here just hustlin’ and I gotta respect that. She’s hearing about Bachelor contestants–NOT WINNERS–*CONTESTANTS* charging people on Cameo to send them video messages and she’s like I’m DONNA F*ING MARTIN. I’m not gonna let these reality stars show me up! I’m worth more than a $10 cameo. I’m Aaron Spelling’s daughter! And for that, I also agree. Also, she has to support her loser hubz and his repeated sex addiction rehab, I’m guessing. So everyone CTFD and let the idiot 90210 superfans fork over a hundo to videochat with Donna Martin. I’ll even consider it if she throws in a David Silver appearance. Just kidding, I won’t. I added a pair of overalls to my cart yesterday then saw that an additional discount didn’t apply and concluded that $30 was still too much to pay. So, $95 for a conference call is downright outrageous.

5. Quaran-Tunes

Lotsa time to drop some new beats. Jesse McCartney showing us why he’s still the swoonster heartthrob (vocals only, that outfit he’s wearing is all sorts of atrocious.) John Mayer has been flexing all over lately, doing a Zoom with SUNY Oneonta, making up new songs on his Insta show and now teaming up with Leon for a smooooove Quarantine original. Selena wanted everyone to know that the timing is unfortunate for her release of this song (marketing rules the world, tho) as the last thing on her mind during this pandemic is finding a boyfriend…and yet….here we are. Turns out she’ll settle for some frogs instead. And last but certainly not least–my favorite of the bunch, an ULTIMATE mashup of LUDAAAAA, Lil Jon & Ursher baybay, reminding us that they like to penetrate mad ladiezz. HOARD. God I needed Ludacris back in my life and what a treat this disgusting song is to my ears. Give me a few listens and I’ll have Luda’s part down pat. Will report back.

BONUS: THIS DANCER IS GONNA DANCE.

I will continue to broadcast my budding dance career because if anything good can come from this pandemic, it better be some rhythm for ya gurl. I have forever wanted to be a dancer and yet being able to move to a beat and remember choreography are key components that I’m sorely lacking. Now that I have all the time in the world and a newfound obsession with TikTok, I’m determined to make this my time to shine. I failed at Darryn’s Dance Grooves, I used my Dancing with the Stars DVD that I got for my 18th birthday exactly one time and thought it would be appropriate to wear heels and a flowy skirt for what I now know was just a workout video and I didn’t make the Radio Disney Dance Team because during tryouts I fudged up the choreo and had dead face. But all of that will not be in vain. I will hit a beat and make ONE TikTok dance video that slaps harder than the youths. After practicing this one for two hours, getting the yips on the last 10 takes and still noticing we were off-beat from the very first dab…this will not be that video. BUT I WILL KEEP TRYING. STAY TUNED. I AM GOING TO BE A DANCER.

Inspiration:

 

Reality:

PS Shoutout to my main squeeze, my Leopard Saved By The Bell Twinnie who was over this about 20 minutes into it (although may it be known she was the one who suggested it) because there’s no one else I’d rather have as my dance partner. Also, it really helps that you’re equally as bad at dancing so we really balance each other out. Looking forward to smashing through a few more foreign dance crew Step Up knock-offs on Netflix and learning some new mooves!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/11/19

1. Sexiest Man Alive.

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I know that I once wrote a very heated takedown of People for their shitty choices in Sexiest Man Alive, based solely on the fact that they’ve never crowned Ryan Gosling but over the years, my anger has simmered because obviously this whole thing is rigged anyway. I’m ok with John Legend. I don’t feel triggered or slighted. I feel like he’s a lovable character who has talent out the wazoo and looks like someone you might want to cuddle with, so sure, let’s call him sexy. What I don’t feel GREAT about is that Chrissy Teigen’s twitter antics probably pulled more weight with this nomination than anything else. Everyone knows she likes to get fired up on twitter and come at people. She’s the hot, dirty-mouthed sassy B wife to John’s gentle and tender doe of a personality. I don’t doubt for a second that the higher up’s at People were like what will create buzz? Someone with a mouthy wife on social media that everyone thinks is hilarious. And boy did she have us all eating out of the palm of her hand. Poppin offfff on Twitter. And for that, I’m like eh I might be out. It’s overplayed. We get it. You’re unfiltered. So am I. People don’t think I’m that funny either. And I recognize that. (See #5 where I show you that people on Twitter like very unfunny things.)

 

2a. Combat. She’s Ready For Combat.

Tay has assembled a Swift army. LITERALLY. Like how baller do you have to be to just write a note on social media that gears thousands of fans up for combat for your music from a bunch of mean ole music industry bullies. If you haven’t kept abreast of the music drama, Tay left her record label, the head then partnered with Scooter Braun and told her that they owned everything she wrote while signed with that record label. Which was like her entire career leading up to this album. She called them out, Justin Bieber made fun of her then she announced she’d be re-recording all her old songs so that they’re hers again. We all forgot this happened. Cut to last night when she releases this manifesto and suddenly THEY’RE NOT LETTING HER PERFORM ANY OF HER MATERIAL?! UH, UH HONAY. I worship at the ground of awards shows and if she’s not allowed to perform the hits, I will RIOT. Apparently, so will everyone else. Here’s all her buds stepping up on social media for her.

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Naturally, Big Machine released a statement that if I may paraphrase here, said: Nah, she’s lyin. And like honestly after what happened with Kim/Kanye and Taylor before, do you THINK SHE’S GONNA CALL SOMEONE OUT LIKE THIS IF SHE DOESN’T HAVE PROOF?! So I’m waiting with baited breath for her to pull out those receipts y’all.

2b. Collaborashawn.

Taylor’s having a real big week. She deserved a two-parter here. Technically 3 if we want to recognize her new song for Cats as well, which we do not. That movie looks creepy as hell. Out of everything on Lover, the title track seems to be the most TAY and most unique. She wrote the whole thing by herself and it’s ooooooooooobviously about her plain bagel of a boyfriend. So when she dropped this remix this week I was real perplexed. Seems like the last one she would want someone to re-write and collab on but hey, it’s her world, we’re all just living in it. Although it doesn’t hold a candle to the original, I’m a fan of Shawn’s smooth vocals and I think it’s nice enough to give a cool gurl head nod. To say his portion of the song is a love letter to Camila is a little TOO much. Let’s pump the brakes, they’ve been dating like 5 minutes. I don’t think he’d really wanna go down with the Titanic for her. Leo tried that one time and it really backfired for him.

3. Demi’s New Mans

https://www.instagram.com/p/B4y9w_ZhYui/

Always a Demi stan, I’ve been rooting for her to keep it together ever since her overdose a little over a year ago now. I worry about her and like to see that she’s doing well–you know–by what she chooses to show me on social media because unfortunately she doesn’t text me on the reg like JLo does. There were some rumors that she was getting after a Bachelorette contestant, but those are squashed now that she’s made this public coupling with this cotton candy colored hair jabroni. Apparently he’s a model. He also posted a pic on his account so YOU KNOW IT’S REAL. And if you can’t already tell from my tone, I do not approve. Girl’s got too much going on to focus on a relashe right now. And that’s my completely unsolicited and unwelcome relationship advice for this week.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B4y-mtPnAXm/

4. I’m Confused.

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I lied. I got more unwelcome bits for these two ladies. I saw this article on People earlier this week shouting out Selena and her BFF Julia Michaels. Apparently they’re on a real hot streak lately of Bff’in. They performed together, Selena just attended Julia’s 90’s themed birthday bash and now they’ve gotten matching tats of arrows that point to each other when they hold hands. And People is like aren’t they just the cutest besties you’ve ever seen? No. No they are not. Name one pair of friends who kiss on the lips and get hand holding matching tattoos. NAME ONE. I got very passionate about this super casj article considering we are HOT OFF THE HEELS of Miley and Katelyn. Those two are smooching all over the joint and they’re having a lez fling, these two are basically doing the same thing and they’re just BFF goals. WHERE IS THE LINE, HOLLYWOOD?! I really really don’t understand it. Someone explain it to me because I have never once, nor will I ever smooch a friend on the lips. Am I doing friendships wrong? Pls advise.

5. Twitter is Garbage.

I watched the CMA’s on Wednesday  (blogged the red carpet) and got a Halsey boner, so I sent out a very PG, unfunny tweet into the twittersphere, giving props to the performance, which I encourage you to watch below:

My tweet went viral–well viral for someone who gets maximum 6 likes on a tweet. In fact, I’m still gaining new followers and getting action on this tweet and it’s more than 24 hours later. Here is my stupid ass tweet.

I’d just like to let all of my new “fans” and followers know, that I think I’m hilarious. And I spend a significant amount of time crafting the perfect tweets as if I’m writing a punchline for my own well-attended Netflix stand up special. AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU MF’ERS RECOGNIZE?! FOR REAL? I used to live-tweet every awards show like I was being paid to do it and NOTHIN. Never recognized for my obvious talent. Now all the sudden I say I ❤ Halsey and everyone’s coming out of the woodwork. I guess that’s the power of Halsey. Now I know what the Chainsmokers feel like. Outshined by a gal from Jersey. So if you’ve stumbled upon my rarely-viewed blog because I tweeted about Halsey, WELCOME. I am here to entertain and make you laugh and if you don’t think I’m funny then get the hell out of here because I only like to interact with people who pump my tires like my co-workers who all told me I kill it on Twitter. Shout out to them for perpetrating the biggest Twitter head I’ve ever had. Also today’s my half birthday and my Venmo is open for monetary gifts to celebrate the occasion of being 6 months closer to the impending doom of thirty. That may seem abrupt and unrelated, but if you peep my tweet about it from last year below: you’ll see that I brought it full circle by pointing out yet another funny tweet that has one measly like. And also, I still genuinely don’t know how old I am. PLUS I’m trying to capitalize on my new following. So I’m not THAT dumb.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/4/19

1. Biebz Waited for Marriage.

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The “Newlyweds” who got married in a court house and can’t seem to set a date for their party with all of their squad to celebrate, got a nice lil Vogue spread divulging some juicy deets and a whole lot of matching outfits. Shot by Annie Leibovitz (Classic), here’s a bunch of pictures of the two of them being young and famous and tattooed in matching separates.

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In addition to these lovely pics, the interview revealed that JB went celibate prior to getting engaged, to feel closer to his homie, God, and to figure out some shit because he was poppin xannie’s & banging strange for quite a while. Long story short, they got married at a court house five minutes after they got engaged because they were “waiting until marriage” to have sex. Which is laugh out loud funny. No one even knew they were dating, he was back on that Selena grind for a while then suddenly he’s engaged and gets married because he needs that good good (sober, hopefully.) But seriously though, this is a real quote from JB himself, “[God] doesn’t ask us not to have sex for him because he wants rules and stuff…” Spoken like a true poet. He believes God rewarded him with Hailey after he stopped slutting it up. Other revelations: church brought them back together (in case that wasn’t clear already), he calls her his baby boo, oh, and … “The thing is, marriage is very hard,” says Hailey. “That is the sentence you should lead with. It’s really effing hard.” GUD LUCK GUYZ!!! KByyyyyeeeeEeeeEeeeEe.

(If you want to read the full interview and find out about how Haley and JB were “homies” at first plus hear the deets on Justin’s Britney-esque meltdown, click HERE!)

2. J.Law is Engaged.

jlawengaged

Hollywood’s favorite relatable goofy chick has apparently gotten engaged and I didn’t even know she was dating anyone. Last I heard she was banging her director twice her age and it was feeling a little creepy, even if it wasn’t #MeToo era. Her engagement was such a shock, in fact, that when the boyf tried to scoop us on the celeb news, we berated him that it wasn’t People.com official yet. Well, it became People official and literally no one knows who this jabroni is. His name is Cooke, he’s a BFD in the art world and they’ve been dating like 6 months. It’s almost like none of these celebrities read my blog because if they did, they’d see THAT THESE IMMEDIATE ENGAGEMENTS WILL NOT LAST. AM I SCReAmING inTO A VOID?! DID ANYONE LEARN ANYTHING FROM PETE & ARI?!

3. Everyone Hates the Grammys This Year.

Speaking of Ari, she’s not going to be in attendance at the Grammys this year because the producers did her dirty. And then lied about it. So she’s thank u, nexting the Grammys. SUPER dumb move by the producers here because she released two albums in one year of nothin but the hitz and also created my favorite phrase to annoy my boyfriend with when I want him to stop talking about something. Doesn’t get much bigger than that. And now we can’t even see her do a sassy live performance. ON TOP of that, Taylor isn’t coming either. And was nominated for like 1 Grammy and it’s not even Album of the Year. Did anyone hear Reputation? DID THEY NOT SEE THAT SHE’S BACK AND SHE’S A BADD BITCH NOW?! I mean honestly, the snub alone is enough to make me not want to watch. And now I learn that no one is coming OR performing. The Grammys better woo me back QUICK or I’m boycotting. (Red Carpet will still be posted promptly at 9am the next morning.)

4. The Gays Love Each Other Too.

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It’s finally time for a gay rom com! I feel weird about the fact that it’s 2019 and this is now just happening. Either way, Billy Eichner has been tapped as the lead and Judd Apatow will produce, so you know it’ll be entertaining AND disgusting. I feel like my sister and I willed this into existence because just last weekend we were talking about how Jonathan Bennett (Aaron Samuels) is the lead in basically every Hally or Lifetime flick and we have a hard time believing in the love story every single time because he’s flamingly gay. We were really rooting for him to get his own gay rom com on Hallmark, but this works too. You’re welcome, everyone.

5. Party of Five Reboot, Deportation Style.

NIKO GUARDADO, BRANDON LARRACUENTE, ELLE PARIS LEGASPI, EMILY TOSTA

My first year out of college, instead of looking for an apartment or like creating my own adulthood independence, I lived at home with my parents and watched the entire series of Party of Five bootleg style on my laptop in my bedroom with the door closed. I basically regressed to being 13. To the point where my mom gently suggested to me to join a gym and try and make some friends. And I probably replied, The Salingers ARE MY FRIENDS, MOM. GAWD. Because they were. I binged this series in a few months and pretended it was still the 90’s. So naturally, when I saw a clickbait headline about them bringing it back I nearly slobbered all over my keyboard to get to it. WHAT a letdown. This is not a reboot or a reunion. I won’t get to see my old pals Charlie, Bailey, Julia, Claudia and Owen as adults. Instead, it’s a Freeform series that’s about a family of five children whose parents get deported. WUT. How is that the same as your parents dying in a car crash tho? Mr. and Mrs. Salinger are ROLLING in their grave at this association. Don’t ride on Po5’s coattails. Just say you have a new show without bringing visions of an age-defying Scott Wolf coming back into my life.

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Play us out…

 

BONUS: Just for laughs…

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Not included in the headline but important to point out, she’s also never seen him or facetimed with him. Love story for the ages. Or for next season on Catfish. Either way, either way’s fine.

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JUice, Pop Culture

Weekly JUice

Week of May 7th, 2018

1. Taylor Tour Week.

Katy Perry Taylor Swift Credit: Taylor Swift/Instagram

Since Tay is the queen of self-promotion, she started a social media countdown to her tour where she revealed BTS deets each day on Insta Story. On the first day of her tour she showed the above snippet of an ACTUAL OLIVE BRANCH that Katy Perry sent her and apparently everything is gumdrops between those two now. KENYOUNOT, Katy? Can this “feud” forever be over and we never have to hear about it again?! I’m annoyed at both of them for playing this up for publicity. Speaking of, deets from the first show were released as they always are, and Taylor makes a long ass speech about being bullied by Kim Kardashian and the snake emoji before she sings Love Live (which is one of her worst songs, BTW) So cheers to a tour that I cannot afford because her cheapest tickets were $300 a piece and playing up the Kimmy/Katy feud for the rest of time. Do I sound bitter? Oh, that’s because I am.

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2. New J.May.

I’ve had a hard stance on loving Continuum-era-John, where he was being a borderline racist and sexist pig in public appearances, but his music was hot fire flames at that time. Since then I’ve never really been all in on whatever he’s released. This easy listening with weird xylophone sounds in the background weren’t really doing it for me but I do like when he amps it up in the middle. I also can appreciate him wearing the hell out of that straight from the 90’s windbreaker.

3. New Selenaassss.

Selena Gomez dropped a new single to coincide with promoting season two of 13 Reasons Why. Can’t say I’ll be tuning in for that comeback since the first season was so depressing that I was basically messed up for a month after watching it. BUT I can say that I do love this new tune. I also happen to know the writer of this song from back in the college days, an opener for Eric Hutchinson in my school auditorium, so that’s pRETTY kewl. It’s also really fun to read headline after headline saying this new song is about Justin Bieber when I know for a FACT that Selena had no hand in writing this. So unless my pal (we follow each other on social media) Micah is hung up on the Biebz, I’m gonna have to say that’s false.

Update: 

Just scooping up relashe news like nobody’s biz. You heard it here first. The real story behind the music.

4. Jesse & The Mini Ripper

ISN’T THAT THE CUTEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEEEEEN? False. This is:

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JK JK, lil Billy supporting the Rips and Danny and Becky looking on adoringly is as cute as it gets. Even cuter than two drunk adults wearing matching Jesse and the Rippers tees for a 90’s themed pub crawl. PLAY US OUT, JESS. (He can remake the video IRL now!)

5. Let’s Keep Making Fun of Kanye.

Look. you can tell when there’s not enough headlines to complete the JUice. I’m gonna be up front with you. It was a slow week. But I’m committed to the blog life and still wanted to give you new content. So here’s an SNL sketch from Saturday that makes fun of all the Kanyizzle tweets I posted a few weeks ago. For someone who never watches SNL anymore or looks at skits after they air, I felt like this was a good one to share. Cause the JUice revolves around Chrissy Teigen’s gumbo and if I was ever forced to stay quiet for any period of time you can guarantee I would be dead. Pooptydescooop, indeed.

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Music, Television

AMA’s Recap 2017

I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.

1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.

2.  Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?

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Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)

Pink shocked face AMAs Credit: ABC

3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.

4. Ashlee Simpson is back. 

ross fam

The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.

What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.

ross

5. WHO IS BTS? 

BTS

I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/30/17

1. Every week is Taylor week.

It’s such an obnoxious move on her part to release something new every single week until this album drops and I’ll be the first to say I’m getting a little annoyed. Just drop the damn album all at once if you’re going to release every single song week by week. But anyway, I’m down with this little love song. Cause in case you didn’t hear, Taylor’s in love. And she doesn’t need to flaunt it around. Unless she’s writing a song about it. Or like, doing very public dates with Tom Hiddleston (which I still think was all bullshit but that’s neither here nor there.) Anyway, she’s real up front about being chill as hell now: “All the liars are calling me one
Nobody’s heard from me for months
I’m doing better than I ever was, ’cause”

CAUSE SHE’S IN LOOOOOOOOVE.

So… if ya’ll are keeping track, I’m pro: Look what you made me do, Ready for it & Call it what you want. I’m NO: Gorgeous. Next week all this nonsense is over and we’ll have the full album, so you best be expecting a track by track (of the four songs we haven’t heard yet) recap and that seems prettttyyy obvious.

2. Selenas back on that Biebs grind.

selena-gomez-justin-bieber-biking

Never to be upstaged by TayTay, Selena has created a whirlwind of press for herself this week, which can only mean something is on the horizon. Her and the Weeknd are dunzo (he unfollowed her and her whole fam on Instagram…so it’s official) and all of the sudden it’s 2013 again and Selena’s back on that Bieber D. Are they actually getting back together? Probz not. Are they flaunting their hangouts T.Hiddleswift style for publicity? Most definitely.  They went to church, rode bikes around town, she’s wearing his jersey. I mean come on. All I’m saying is stay woke on the Jelena reunion.

selena jersey

3. Lion King.

lionking

This casually drops the other night and it’s a LOADED cast. It’s good to know that one thing we can all agree on is that Mufasa will be NONE other than James Earl Jones. It’s cool to toss this photo out there for buzz and all but like could we get a little more info? Is this a broadway play? Are they just voicing a new animation? What’s the deal here, Lion King? I need to know if I’m going to be outraged or not. Is it another one of those stupid things where they play the movie and these actors dub over the voices live? I NEED ANSWERS.

4. BB Boy Decker.

View this post on Instagram

Baby Decker number 3 is a ….

A post shared by Jessie James Decker (@jessiejamesdecker) on

Since I watch their reality show and stalk them on social media, I’m personally a part of the Decker family, and this is big news. Viv is PISSED to get another brother. She tried to deflect by making it seem like she was concerned for the balloons but there was no hiding that look of disappointment on her little mug. Guess they’ll just have to go for 4 and hope it evens out. (Shouldn’t be an issue considering how much these two bone and how quickly she gets knocked up.)

5. Lady Liberty is down!

This is only funny because we know that Wendy is AOK and was back to tossin out HOW YOU DOOOOINNN’s after a quick commercial break. I’ve watched this video no less than 100 times and that’s not a normal faint. That’s an “I’ve seen some stuff” look on her face and I will not accept any other theory besides there was a ghost in her audience. That costume doesn’t look that hot, just sayin. I’ll be the truther here and wait for the real story. Until then, I’ll keep watching and laughing out loud. PS – if you like people in costume eating shit videos as much as I do, here’s one of my faves. Go crazy.

 

BONUS:

Ya boy Chan filled in for Jimmy Kimmel this week and we got to see why we love him so much. Let his smooth moves and goofy ass humor take you into the weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/16/17

Took a significant break from JUicing because Hollywood’s not funny nor entertaining when every female is getting sexually assaulted. But in the spirit of another TSwift drop, I was forced out of retirement…again. (Also I started a new job and I had to test the waters on blogging at work. Turns out we Gucci.)

1. Nope.

Alright, I’m out. I mean it was bound to happen. If you’re going to release three songs from your probably only 13 track album (just release the whole damn thing already) I knew there was a chance I was going to hate one of them and here we are. Going from singing about sex in Ready For It.. to you’re too gorgeous for me and I’ll just get drunk and go home to my cats. Really Tay?! Grow up. This is 100% a song for her preteen superfans and I’m just far too mature for it, honestly. Everyone’s saying it’s about her new boyfriend Joe Alwyn who is not the type of gorgeous that you write a song about his face. (“Cause you’re so gorgeous it actually hurts”) Scott Eastwood? Sure. This guy:

joe-alwyn

Not so much.

PS GTFO of here with adding children into a song. This isn’t Kidz Bop.

2. Everyone should watch this.

I had a really adult night where I gave myself a face mask and watched a YouTube documentary about a Disney star and I have 0.0 regrets about it. In fact, I encourage all of you to do the same. This doc was riveting. Probably because I’m unhealthily invested in the lives of celebs but also because I think Demi is wildly talented and got a bad rep just because she liked the nose candy. I mean, her and Selena were like toe to toe coming up from Disney and Selena ended up with more clout just because she didn’t go to rehab…which sucks because Demi actually has a good voice. But anyway, watch this for juicy tidbits about how she was a G-D trainwreck while touring with the JoBros at like 18. I mean think about it, this was the time when the Jonas Brothers were PEAK purity rings. And they’re touring with a girl whose trashing hotel rooms and punching backup dancers on a private jet. Quality entertainment. (I could’ve used even more BTS stories from this time, tbh.) Also there’s some great insight into her relashe with Wilmer Valderrama and how he literally wouldn’t talk to her until she turned 18. (Yeah, Ok.) Either way, fire up YouTube and treat yoself.

3. Ed Sheeran probably watched Demi’s doc.

ed

Apparently Ed just recently revealed that he, too has battled substance abuse. I mean it’s not hard being in Hollywood and using all of the things. Ed admitted that he got outta control and decided to go off the grid for a year to get his shit together. I think we can all collectively thank his boo, Cherry Seaborn. Because even though she has a stupid AF name, she influenced Ed to stop raging and without her we would not have Divide. True story.

4. JT is the perfect husband.

Do I support their marriage? No. Is it because I’m jelly? Yes. So here’s a little happy anniversary from me to the Timberlakes, by posting JT’s serenade to his wifey. Bet she really appreciated it as she sat at home taking care of their kid while he was out with the boyz doing a late night recording sesh. Jk she was probably drinking wine with Reese Witherspoon or something while the nanny watched their kid. Most importantly, JT is back in the studio.

5. Girl Crush Updates.

I don’t really have a fifth headline to blab about this week so instead let’s check in on my #1 and #2 girl crushes because they’ve both been on my radar this week. Blake Lively is promoting something. What is it? No idea. All I know is that whenever she promotes something she wears 100 cool ass outfits for press and looks like a total babe soda.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaT0CfZgE7n/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaUOuOqgMBy/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaUccg5A8hH/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXG1LEApgh/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaZj5FvgzTm/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaaYvI7AcrK/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BacdZ4XAIRn/?taken-by=blakelively

Even though she wore a full men’s suit and a torn up bedazzled jersey, I still love her so much.

And mah gurl Sophia Bush signed a deal with 20th century to produce and star in new shows. Dunno anything else about it other than she best be gracing my TV in a new number one hit right quick. Click here for full story.

sophia-bush_0

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/11/17

1. Fergie & Josh Head to Splitsville. After 8 years of marriage Fergie Ferg and Tad Hamilton are breaking up because WHY WERE THEY EVEN TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE? Seriously. These weird ass Hollywood couples that pop out kids and sneak under the radar for far too long before breaking up always baffle me. Fergie used to wear Timberland heels, gold nameplated hoops & shiny track suits while she writhed around onstage with 3 other black guys rapping at her. Josh Duhamel is a rom com heartthrob. Yeah, ok. Sources say they were just “too different.”

really

That being said, London Bridge was my JAM back in the day. Grey Goose got the girl feeelin loooooose. (at the time of this release it was more like St. Bart’s got the girl throwing up, but whatevs, we can pretend.)

In super boring and dumb news that no one cares about, my boyfriend, who has spent the last 6+ months trying and failing at scooping me on celebrity gossip FINALLY got a W with this one. I guess it was about time, but like it doesn’t make me any less irritated about getting scoooooped. He’s handling it really well. If by well we mean bragging about it until the end of time.

2. Selena Gets A Kidney.

I feel like Selena Gomez has some aggressive AF fans because any time she’s posting on social media it’s to defend herself because her fans have been up her bhole asking where she is. WELL GUESS WHAT. She’s been getting a kidney and stuff. EVERYONE COOL YOUR JETS. Not for nothing, but what a sly sneak back into the spotlight for Francia Raisa, star of Secret Life of the American Teenager. Not that I watched that show or anything (never missed an episode) but word on the street was that Francia played the slutty one of the high school who was preeettttyyy loose with her morals.

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Nothing cleans up a bad gurl image–on ABC Family–quite like sacrificing an organ for your friend. Claps all around. Hopefully Selena’s rabid fans have been satiated with this very personal update. More importantly, thank you for bringing memories of the greatest show ever created back into my life.

3. Behati Ate A Cheeseburger.

So I guess this means Behati & Adam Levine are pregnant again although really with that picture and such a non-descript caption, it could also just mean she ate lunch that day and hadn’t taken a dump yet. Whatever. Here’s to another dumb name. Still bitter about Dusty Rose.

4. Yonce gets a headline about her lame dress.

beyonce-jayBeyonce and Jay-Z leave Rihanna's 3rd Annual Diamond Ball

I get that we’re all supposed to bow down to the Beyhive, but when she steps out to Rihanna’s magical ball in a $165 dress that’s hideous, I don’t think this is front page of People.com worthy. Snaps for her for getting her figure back post-twins ravaging her vagina (if she was actually preggers this time) but also, show it off with something nicer than this dress that peasants can buy to wear to their cousin’s fall wedding. COME AT ME, BEYHIVE. I’M ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP AND I AIN’T SCURRED.

5. Love Always, Mandy.

*EXCLUSIVE* Mandy Moore takes some family members to Caffe Luxxe

Mandy sneaky got engaged to Taylor Goldsmith, lead singer of Dawes this week and was inconsiderate by not posting a picture of the ring for us all to judge. This is the best shot we’ve got and you can BARELY see it. Step it up, Mands. I expect a close up by next Friday’s JUice. ESPECIALLY with the amount of press you know she’ll be doing for This is Us, the *groundbreaking* show we never stop hearing about.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/9/17

 1. BYE Biebs.

*PREMIUM EXCLUSIVE* Hot New Couple Selena Gomez and The Weeknd Can't hide their love

Selena is back in a BIG way. First she’s smooching all up on The Weeknd. Props to her for swooping in AFTER he cut that ridiculous cartoon hairstyle he was rocking for far too long. To be honest I wasn’t really that shocked about this celeb couple news because it’s probably mostly her way to show Biebz that she’s upgrading from a whiny bitch who hates his fans to a smooth R&B sex machine. Bella Hadid unfollowed her on Instagram, because duh, that’s what you do when someone in your Hollywood squad starts banging your ex-boyfriend. Well that, and take a bunch of bathing suit selfies.

bellapeople

BUT THEN, she drops this in our grillpieces and now I’m like oh shittttt SELENASSSSSSS!

selena

Ignore the cr33pster intensely taking a naked girls’ picture through the mirror and just feast your eyes on dat ass. Suck on it, JB. Nice try, Bella. The bigger the hoop….

2. Lick.

Joe Jonas did a Guess campaign and oiled up his abs for it. Nuff said. Sick enhancement in the shot with your grey undies though. Definitely didn’t immediately notice that.

joe1joe4joe3joe5joe2

And since Nick is my favorite. Let’s do a little compare/contrast of when he did Calvin Klein:

nickjonasck

Backwards hat and cocky D grab always wins and that’s obvious.

3. Closer 2.0.

Those dirty frat bruhs known as The Chainsmokers just dropped their follow-up to Closer. Kneejerk reaction: I’ll listen to it but there’s no comparison. Hard to follow up that heater when it literally still brings the house down every time it’s played. Don’t talk smack about it though because they’ll come AFTER you. Their music is the GREATEST OF ALL TIME.

4. Brooke Davis is gonna change the world someday.

brooke_wink

Every once in a while I like to give a little update to my fellow OTH fans. This week Sophia Bush finally broke her silence on her casual marriage to CMM when she was like, 21 in a personal essay for Cosmo. In true Sophia raspy voiced goddess fashion, she got real deep and metaphorical. Without naming the Chadster, she talked about how she was so young and thought because he was asking her, they should get married. Then she drops some truth bombs about how the right relationships find you and honestly I feel like a new woman after reading it. If you want to hear her preach, click here to read and learn all about how to stop looking for “the one”. Because it’s unrealistic to think the guy you went to high school with is who you want standing next to you when all your dreams come true.

5. Landry snags another babe.

dunst

Yeah, Riggins was the sexiest bad boy in Dillon, and Saracen had the heart of gold, but apparently Landry scoops up all the chicks. How they ever put him with Tyra is beyond me but like clearly life imitates art because he’s now engaged to Kirsten Dunst. Also it’s laugh out loud funny that gossip sites were reporting the engagement with his character’s name. No need to know his real name because he is Landry for life and he’ll probably perform with Crucifictorious at the wedding.

BONUS: T dropped a little teaser action for Z’s birthday yesterday. This video can’t come soon enough.

The track list for the fifty shades soundtrack was also released and it’s STACKED. Not afraid to say it’s going to be better than the actual movie.

Happy Birthday Liam ❤

Liam-Wallpaper-liam-hemsworth-35499475-1280-800chris-liam-hemsworth-shirtless-surfing-duo-38liam_hemsworth_cover1_vss

PS People.com coming in thirsty AF.

people

 

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