JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/11/19

1. Sexiest Man Alive.

johnlegend

I know that I once wrote a very heated takedown of People for their shitty choices in Sexiest Man Alive, based solely on the fact that they’ve never crowned Ryan Gosling but over the years, my anger has simmered because obviously this whole thing is rigged anyway. I’m ok with John Legend. I don’t feel triggered or slighted. I feel like he’s a lovable character who has talent out the wazoo and looks like someone you might want to cuddle with, so sure, let’s call him sexy. What I don’t feel GREAT about is that Chrissy Teigen’s twitter antics probably pulled more weight with this nomination than anything else. Everyone knows she likes to get fired up on twitter and come at people. She’s the hot, dirty-mouthed sassy B wife to John’s gentle and tender doe of a personality. I don’t doubt for a second that the higher up’s at People were like what will create buzz? Someone with a mouthy wife on social media that everyone thinks is hilarious. And boy did she have us all eating out of the palm of her hand. Poppin offfff on Twitter. And for that, I’m like eh I might be out. It’s overplayed. We get it. You’re unfiltered. So am I. People don’t think I’m that funny either. And I recognize that. (See #5 where I show you that people on Twitter like very unfunny things.)

 

2a. Combat. She’s Ready For Combat.

Tay has assembled a Swift army. LITERALLY. Like how baller do you have to be to just write a note on social media that gears thousands of fans up for combat for your music from a bunch of mean ole music industry bullies. If you haven’t kept abreast of the music drama, Tay left her record label, the head then partnered with Scooter Braun and told her that they owned everything she wrote while signed with that record label. Which was like her entire career leading up to this album. She called them out, Justin Bieber made fun of her then she announced she’d be re-recording all her old songs so that they’re hers again. We all forgot this happened. Cut to last night when she releases this manifesto and suddenly THEY’RE NOT LETTING HER PERFORM ANY OF HER MATERIAL?! UH, UH HONAY. I worship at the ground of awards shows and if she’s not allowed to perform the hits, I will RIOT. Apparently, so will everyone else. Here’s all her buds stepping up on social media for her.

camilahalseytodrick

Naturally, Big Machine released a statement that if I may paraphrase here, said: Nah, she’s lyin. And like honestly after what happened with Kim/Kanye and Taylor before, do you THINK SHE’S GONNA CALL SOMEONE OUT LIKE THIS IF SHE DOESN’T HAVE PROOF?! So I’m waiting with baited breath for her to pull out those receipts y’all.

2b. Collaborashawn.

Taylor’s having a real big week. She deserved a two-parter here. Technically 3 if we want to recognize her new song for Cats as well, which we do not. That movie looks creepy as hell. Out of everything on Lover, the title track seems to be the most TAY and most unique. She wrote the whole thing by herself and it’s ooooooooooobviously about her plain bagel of a boyfriend. So when she dropped this remix this week I was real perplexed. Seems like the last one she would want someone to re-write and collab on but hey, it’s her world, we’re all just living in it. Although it doesn’t hold a candle to the original, I’m a fan of Shawn’s smooth vocals and I think it’s nice enough to give a cool gurl head nod. To say his portion of the song is a love letter to Camila is a little TOO much. Let’s pump the brakes, they’ve been dating like 5 minutes. I don’t think he’d really wanna go down with the Titanic for her. Leo tried that one time and it really backfired for him.

3. Demi’s New Mans

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My ❤️…

A post shared by Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) on

Always a Demi stan, I’ve been rooting for her to keep it together ever since her overdose a little over a year ago now. I worry about her and like to see that she’s doing well–you know–by what she chooses to show me on social media because unfortunately she doesn’t text me on the reg like JLo does. There were some rumors that she was getting after a Bachelorette contestant, but those are squashed now that she’s made this public coupling with this cotton candy colored hair jabroni. Apparently he’s a model. He also posted a pic on his account so YOU KNOW IT’S REAL. And if you can’t already tell from my tone, I do not approve. Girl’s got too much going on to focus on a relashe right now. And that’s my completely unsolicited and unwelcome relationship advice for this week.

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My Love🥰

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4. I’m Confused.

Screen Shot 2019-11-14 at 10.08.45 PMScreen Shot 2019-11-14 at 10.09.09 PM

I lied. I got more unwelcome bits for these two ladies. I saw this article on People earlier this week shouting out Selena and her BFF Julia Michaels. Apparently they’re on a real hot streak lately of Bff’in. They performed together, Selena just attended Julia’s 90’s themed birthday bash and now they’ve gotten matching tats of arrows that point to each other when they hold hands. And People is like aren’t they just the cutest besties you’ve ever seen? No. No they are not. Name one pair of friends who kiss on the lips and get hand holding matching tattoos. NAME ONE. I got very passionate about this super casj article considering we are HOT OFF THE HEELS of Miley and Katelyn. Those two are smooching all over the joint and they’re having a lez fling, these two are basically doing the same thing and they’re just BFF goals. WHERE IS THE LINE, HOLLYWOOD?! I really really don’t understand it. Someone explain it to me because I have never once, nor will I ever smooch a friend on the lips. Am I doing friendships wrong? Pls advise.

5. Twitter is Garbage.

I watched the CMA’s on Wednesday  (blogged the red carpet) and got a Halsey boner, so I sent out a very PG, unfunny tweet into the twittersphere, giving props to the performance, which I encourage you to watch below:

My tweet went viral–well viral for someone who gets maximum 6 likes on a tweet. In fact, I’m still gaining new followers and getting action on this tweet and it’s more than 24 hours later. Here is my stupid ass tweet.

I’d just like to let all of my new “fans” and followers know, that I think I’m hilarious. And I spend a significant amount of time crafting the perfect tweets as if I’m writing a punchline for my own well-attended Netflix stand up special. AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU MF’ERS RECOGNIZE?! FOR REAL? I used to live-tweet every awards show like I was being paid to do it and NOTHIN. Never recognized for my obvious talent. Now all the sudden I say I ❤ Halsey and everyone’s coming out of the woodwork. I guess that’s the power of Halsey. Now I know what the Chainsmokers feel like. Outshined by a gal from Jersey. So if you’ve stumbled upon my rarely-viewed blog because I tweeted about Halsey, WELCOME. I am here to entertain and make you laugh and if you don’t think I’m funny then get the hell out of here because I only like to interact with people who pump my tires like my co-workers who all told me I kill it on Twitter. Shout out to them for perpetrating the biggest Twitter head I’ve ever had. Also today’s my half birthday and my Venmo is open for monetary gifts to celebrate the occasion of being 6 months closer to the impending doom of thirty. That may seem abrupt and unrelated, but if you peep my tweet about it from last year below: you’ll see that I brought it full circle by pointing out yet another funny tweet that has one measly like. And also, I still genuinely don’t know how old I am. PLUS I’m trying to capitalize on my new following. So I’m not THAT dumb.

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