“There’s nothing but anger and loneliness and a whole bunch of dudes at the hotel.”

Since this is the MOST dramatic season EVER, we fire up this week rehashing the clint hanger from last week. Clint continues to be a dirty scoundrel who uses the word “very” no less than 100 times. Kaitlyn is very, very, very, very sorry but ya DUN, Clint. He returns to the crew to say goodbye and try to sniff out the narc, instead JJ demands IN FRONT OF EVERYONE that Clint apologize for taking away everyone’s time. There’s an audible gasp in the room and Clint forces JJ to shake his hand and say goodbye, giving the whole exchange a very (very, very) dad hit mom at the dinner table and let’s just keep eating and pretend it didn’t happen feel to it. JJ immediately regrets acting like a dick and tries to give Clint a quick kiss before he goes and Clint is like hey F-U I TOLD YOU ALL MY SECRETS! Clint gets into the Dodge caravan of shame and nearly rips the sliding door off while JJ quietly sobs in the dark. It’s almost as if these two are treating this like a Hollywood audition or something. Either way, the bromance is dead and so is the premise of a rose ceremony apparently. Kaitlyn pulls a Prince Farming and is like now that we got rid of Tony, I feel comfortable trying to bang all of these guys so let’s just axe the roses thing tonight, C. Harrison. The remaining stragglers begin their journey to NYC and Justin beings his journey to winning worst hair on the show. YIKES.

Group Date “Let’s Keep Our Love Fresh”- JJ, Shawn, Jonathan, Ryan, Tanner, BenZ, Justin

In this week’s “FAMOUS” guest star that I literally could not pick out of a crowd, heeeeere’s Doug E. Fresh! He raps a little bit to show the guys what a pro can do and the bros all get a chance to showcase their rapper arms. All but one…My country lover Shawn keeps his hands stiffly at his sides because this ain’t no hoedown. It’s kewl Shawn, I like country too. CALL ME. Anyway, Shawn ends up winning the rap battle (in my mind) not because of his rapping skills (he had less than none) but because he flashed the goods (his abs, you pervs) and made everyone forget we were cringing through the worst flowz eva.

Justin and his flouncy side bangs win for best rap diss with “Remind me how the notebook end, that’s right she forgot you.” OHH BURRNNN, YOU LOOK LIKE RYAN GOSLING, THE HOTTEST ACTOR IN AMERICA, SHAWN. Suck on THAT. Corey tucks his shirt into his undies and wears a beanie in attempts to not look like he’s a single middle-aged dad of 5 kids who kept him up all night. JJ calls NYC girls “hoes” and they boo him because he’s a dick. Deeze hoes ain’t loyal.

In our first Prince Farming season flashback of the night, KardAshley is at the rap battle probably in town to get a job as a sales clerk at DASH. However, the real drama llama is that baby bitch Nick from Andi’s season is there and cat’s outta the bag, Nick & Kaitlyn have been chatting on AIM for the past few months but have never actually met face to face. OK Kaitlyn, if online boyfriends count I had a very fruitful dating life in 7^th grade. Anyway, NickyV123 complimented her on the interweb and suddenly they were texting. Sounds promising. He came to NYC to see what they had before it was too late to force his way back onto reality TV. Kaitlyn giggles a lot and is like OMGEEE should I add another guy into my weekly rotation of seven minutes in heaven?

Cocktail party on a BOAT

The men gather unaware that they’re about to get big-timed by a wittle baby bitch. Kaitlyn’s all no disrespect but I’m gonna bring another guy on board (get it? Boat punz. LOL) to date and also he may or may not have tried to slut shame his almost-fiance on live national television. LETZ DO THIS. Thankfully for all of us, the guys don’t even pretend to not know who he is. Shawn is like oh Nick Viall from Andi’s season? I’ll have another. ANOTHER. Then Tanner chimes in to give the TV Guide cliff notes of Nick’s existence. Tanner is like no homo guys, but I watched Nick cry on TV and he kisses and tells so we all must murder him. Tanner fiercely becomes captain of Team Bachelor Bitchfest and suddenly I know who Tanner is. Well played. Kaitlyn takes this moment to leave the boat and make out with Nick on the dock because she DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO and WHY does this have to be so HARD. She comes back and wipes her lips off like nobody will notice her face is covered in Nick’s saliva. Justin doesn’t see this through his droopy side bang and gives a queertastic speech about how Kaitlyn should follow her heart. Since he’s the only one who sounds supportive, he gets rewarded with the rose.

Blissfully unaware, the boys back at the hotel get a date card for Jared’s one on one and when I found out he won the date I actually shouted NOooooooOO at the TV….which got a little weird because I was watching by myself. Jared grins like a creep and then announces that it’s time for him to go to bed AKA it’s time for him to get intimate with himself thinking about his date tomorrow. While he’s dreaming of Kaitlyn running her fingers through his greasy hair, Kaitlyn is dreaming of running her fingers through Nick’s fuzzy baby duck hair that sticks out in tufts an uncomfortable amount.

The guys spend the majority of this episode sitting on the couch and gossiping about Nick like bitches at a slumber party, calling him desperate and sad and starting rumors that he probably cries after sex. Kaitlyn wakes up still SO TORN and we get the BEST moment of the episode, possibly the season, possibly the series of The Bachelorette. She dials up Nick and as a recording of their convo about how they slept fills our ears with nonsense, my eyes are riveted by an ominous snowy montage of NYC and music that gives me the feeling these two are actually plotting a murder on the phone and not just talking about if they should date or not. By the end of this scene I had been convinced Nick was going to blow up Times Square so BRAVO, producers!!

As if they were just foreshadowing that something bad was going to happen…ONION POMEGRANATE IS BACK! Ya girl OP is here to “style” Kaitlyn’s hair and have a little girl talk. Kaitlyn blabs her dilemma and OP gives sound advice that you need a best friend first and not just lust. Whoa. Girl, where you been hiding? It’s almost as if she’s a regular person who played it up for the cameras? Weird.That would’ve been rare.

Kaitlyn meets up with Nick after her hair appt where she apparently had OP curl each strand just to throw it into a messy braid that I do when my hair is dirty. Hope she didn’t pay for that. OP should probably stick to giving tours of the Mesa Verde. The verdict is that Nick gets to stay so they can bite each other’s lips some more and he can showcase his collection of Mr. Rogers cardigans. Can we send Nick to OP for a haircut though? Seriously.

Jared The Wiener’s One on One-“Let’s Re-imagine the Night We First Met”

The Met is reserved for a fancy date with Jared, who has a slicked side part and I want to punch it right off of his stupid, punchable head. Jared has diarrhea of the mouth and should definitely be put down humanely while Kaitlyn stares off into space and wishes she could take another chomp out of Nick’s lips. Jared wrote a poem for Kaitlyn because OF COURSE HE DID. After reading aloud, Kaitlyn says “Game Over” and I can only assume she means game over for ever sleeping with Jared because a whiny kid reading a poem to you is the biggest turn off ever, right? Guess not. He gets a rose. Blech. The date continues on a helicopter and we have to listen to Jared word vomzies about how he fell in love with Kaitlyn in the air whilst gazing at the Statue of Liberty.

Group Date “Let’s Play”-Joe, Joshua, Ben H, Ian, Cupcake

Here’s a date that Kaitlyn probably came up with to weed out the possible gays. Unfortunately she chose one instead, which leaves me a little perplexed. Anyway, the boys audition on Broadway to be street rats and the guy with the best performance gets to be a part of Aladdin that night and everyone else has to kick rocks. Watching these guys sing and dance onstage was juuuust about as painful as watching a bunch of white country boys speak poorly written rap lyrics. Cupcake puffs his chest out and flails his arms around, winning the competition and the hearts of many men across America. He tells us this is the most excited he’s ever been, I’m assuming because he can finally jumpstart that theater career he’s always dreamed of.

Backstage in his open vest and balloon pants, Chris tells Kaitlyn they should stand in silence and appreciate the moment and by that he means dive his turban’ed head at hers and immediately mack on her. Smooth moves, poor man’s Aladdin. Their role in the show consists of standing onstage with flowers for a total of one minute and Cupcake tells Kaitlyn after that he’s in AWE of how good she did. They stroll around NYC and as Kaitlyn passes by a street performer banging on a trashcan she admits this is why she loves New York…because there’s talent everywhere. Kait, I love you girl, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say. Please feel free to visit Saratoga Springs and find the guy with dreads who sits in an alley (prime echo territory), swatting at buckets all day and night like a child left out to play with the pots and pans. You’ll change your tune real quick and also possibly want to box your own ears. Anyway, Cupcake gets a rose because he’s a cupcake theater fairy.

The weekly cliff hanger comes in the form of Nick arriving at the house with his puffy hair and awkward lisp. His opening line is “Sup, Guys.” I predict that Nick will be murdered by a room of sexually frustrated men within minutes of uttering this greeting.

While the credits roll, we get an update on Britt & Brady, still clinging onto that 5 seconds of fame each week. They’re officially dating and also HOMEBOY WORE COMBAT BOOTS TO THE BEACH.  

We pick up this week with Kupah having his just-got-dumped-on-TV rage blackout aimed at a cameraman. Suddenly Kupah goes from screaming like a lunatic to smooth cool guy when Kaitlyn appears. He explains that he’s shouting because he doesn’t want to go home, he wants to get a book deal out of this…or something. Once he starts talking about more attractive girls he’s been with I think the producers gently say ok Kupah you’re 5 minutes is up please get into the Dodge Caravan and go quietly into the night to join Ryan B. McDrunkerson in Bachelorette shame.

Rose Ceremony: Clint, JJ, Ben Z., Jared, Ben H., Shawn B., Jonathan, Tanner, Chris Cupcake, Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Tony

Kaitlyn sobs about having to send men home. WAH MY LIFE IS SO HARD. Meanwhile, I sob about the fact that we have to put up with Tony for a minute longer than we should. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Anyway, speaking of, apparently Kaitlyn did something to deserve a gaggle of bros who aren’t even trying to hide that they’re pursuing alternate careers via her TV show and peacing out left and right. It is ROUGH to watch.

SUMO Date: Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, Shawn

Sumo wrestlers sneak into the house and wake up all the men with a pretty aggress gong hit. JJ really wants to go on the Japanese date because he likes sushi. He’s obviously supes cultured. Once assembled, all the boys are wearing sumo diapers and need a whole lot of censorship, not unlike Jillian’s asshole last season. They do lunges in their thongs just so that Kaitlyn, a bunch of other dudes and a camera crew can size up the contestants’ junk hangin loosey goosey. (Joe’s in particular.) Tony runs his gentle hands through his mop top, pulls it into the babiest man bun I’ve ever seen, flicks his shades down and announces that a 600 lb man should be VERY AFRAID. T-Bone Tone slaps the fat man a bunch of times while everyone else points and laughs then MOOD SWING, Tony the healer must need a little more ginkgo because he is very sad. He tells Kaitlyn that every date is about aggression and he’s a lover even though he just played slap the man boob with that wrestler five minutes ago. Basically Tony acts like a whiny baby, which is ironic because he’s also wearing a diaper while he wah-wah’s. I stop listening as I usually do when Tony speaks, plus I was distracted by him tucking his hair behind his ears and hawking a loogey over the balcony while trying to win Kaitlyn over. Someone get Tony his bottle. Exhibition: Tony decides not to participate because he’s too busy talking to whoever will listen about his sensitive soul. The guys de-robe and apparently there are parents out there who think it’s acceptable to bring their children to something like this. Needless to say a few kids caught an eyeful of man meat and will forever be scarred. Kaitlyn “fights” the big sumo guy AKA he tosses her around like an adorable little doll and then lets her push him out of the ring. Clint establishes himself as the Ben Z. of this week when he tries to break everyone’s bones. He wins the fight but not Kaitlyn’s heart when he decides to ignore her later. After some incoherent soul searching, Tony puts on his Navajo sweatshirt and camo hat and leaves to return to his life as a spiritual gangster who will milk his TV fame for all it’s worth…but not before he stops to talk to Kaitlyn and torture us all some more. BAIIII TONYYYYYY. Shawn saves Kaitlyn from awk city of Clint ignoring her, is his usual adorbsicles self and gets the rose.

One on One with Ben Z. –SURPRISE YOU’RE GONNA DIE by Chris Harrison

Chris Harrison is waiting for them in a dark creepy basement. Exploiting Kaitlyn’s fears, Chris is all hey I’m gonna lock you two in a room full of birds and you have to figure out how to get out. Ben reels Kaitlyn in with his strong arms and cradles her when pigeons make her screech (I do not suggest you ever move to a city, Kaitlyn.) The room is essentially a horror movie nightmare with someone in the bed moving around and they have to troll around looking for clues to get themselves out before they die via gas chamber. Ya know, just fun-loving family programming. Full disclosz: I had to cover my eyes a couple times. The password to their freedom is “roses”…did we really need to watch them touch snakes, cockroaches, maggots, limbs, puke, blood and unearth a picture of Britt’s face just to discover that the password is THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW? Later they order pizza and Ben Z. talks more about his dead mom and how he suppresses his man tears. Quick tip: if your parents ever tell you to walk the dog, don’t. Finally they hot tub and Ben Z catches a rose and I catch a glimpse of another contestant with a hideous shoulder tat.

Group Date: “Let’s Learn to Love” Jonathan, Ben H, Joshua, Ryan, Jared, Tanner

The boys have to teach sex ed to children far too small to be learning about penetration. We soon learn that LoLzz, Kaitlyn has hired all of these child actors to be a bunch of pervs and ask questions that will give these guys the uncomfies like the little heffer who asked Ryan and his swoopy hair (seriously what is this hairstyle?) about the clitoris. Ryan brilliantly advises that little chunks learn how to rub up on that shit if he ever wants to get a girl. Not only are these kids inquisitive about the best sex positions, they also are the biggest overreactors in the game. I’m guessing they would’ve gotten their paychecks for this job either way, so the dramats facial expressions were a bit much. Although when Joshua described a “tampin” as a torpedo and a girl’s period as her uterine layer dying, this seemed like an appropo reaction: Ben H. steps up to save the day and tell a fairytale story about how sex happens with reenactments and oh my lanta Prince Charming does exist as he mimes a sperm swimming through the “stuff”. ABC shows what a bunch of prudes they are by bleeping everything out like it’s a Kanye performance or something.

Later Joshua reveals that not only did he learn about puberty from cows, he also didn’t have his first kiss until college. Kaitlyn’s like panties ON. Then Ben H. takes her to the roof, pulls a quick dip kiss, and Kaitlyn’s like panties OFF. Obviously Ben H. gets the rose. Also Jared, whose face and personality I would like to punch, kisses Kaitlyn like a baby bitch and it makes me squirm. Jared the weasel needs to go.

While all of this magic is happening with Kaitlyn and her group date, there’s a whole lot of bromance simmering back at the mansion between the two douchenozzles of the crew. Clint and JJ like to wrassle and eat together and since the Bachelorette has no qualms with being offensive they try to tease a gay storyline through editing and well-placed censorship. The bros hang out in the hot tub and talk about turtles then wind down with some guitar jams by the fire. And that’s just a regular day for these two apparently. How could we not believe it’s love?! Clint has decided that he doesn’t want to pork Kaitlyn, he’d much prefer to stick around and bro out with JJ because it would be OUTRAGEOUS to think that these two can exchange numbers and do that off camera.

Cocktail Party

Clint spews some bullshit about not having the balls to talk to Kaitlyn after the sumo date and then smashed his tongue down her throat like a con artist to guarantee a rose and a trip to JJ’s back door. FTR, if we were going to pick gays out of this group, I think these two morons would be bottom rung, but whatever. They both like sports and popping back zits. They did not factor in Joshua’s narc’ing skillz and we end this week with yet another confrontation cliffhanger between our gal Kaitlyn and a turd exploiting the show for Twitter followers. In the event that you wanted to end on a more satisfying note, here’s a picture of Shawn’s man bunz.

Memorable Quotes:

“Me and my daughter are cool.” -Cory defending to himself why he should get a rose and Kaitlyn should be a stepmommy. He’s hot but it’s probably for the best that he was sent packing to hang with his cool daughter.”

“Ben Z is a babe soda.” My new (much more appropriate way) to say a guy is hot. Thanks Kait.

“I see the world through the eyes of a child, the heart of a warrior and I have a gypsy soul.”-Tony repeating this phrase over and over and in about 3,2,1 we’ll see him selling t-shirts online with this serial killer motto.

“I think Tony partied his ass off last night because it’s non-existent.”-JJ spending his group date looking at the other guys’ buhholes. Wise use of your time, J.

“Villains gotta vill.”-The bros who shower together also have a catchphrase and it’s a little too reminiscent of a T.Swift song. I can only assume that it will soon be a matching shoulder tat displayed loud and proud.

Since The Bachelorette feels bad for all that chirping they took for pitting two women against each other and letting the men choose their trophy wife from the case, they soften the blow by intertwining Britt into this episode and giving her a quick love connection. Britt sobs to her mom about having to come home before she even unpacked her bags and knock, knock, it’s Brady Interruptus choosing this point in time to be like hey girl, I missed you since last night and let’s fall in love during the two hour block of tonight’s episode so Chris Harrison can feel better about kicking you off so abruptly.

“Will Britt and Brady fall in love?” Answer: They’ve hung out for a week and are now going steady.

Group Date: “I See This Ending With A Ring.”

Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben(s)

Laila Ali is going to teach these turds how to box. Daniel looks genuinely scared just when Laila starts speaking so I already looked forward to him shitting his pants when it came to actual blows. Kupah is like I’ll count this as a free boxing lesson and try to ride out this TV career without ever speaking to Kaitlyn…but more on that later. The boyz face off in front of a paid crowd and Ben Z. who not only is a hottie but has muscles for days too squares off with Jared who is literally half his size and then everyone acts quite shocked when Ben Z. tries to murder Jared. The little runt has to go to the hospital but he’d rather just skip that nonsense and hang with Kaitlyn instead.

Later, Ben Z says he feels bad about trying to knock Jared’s head off with the same amount of fake remorse I use to say I feel bad about eating that ice cream. And here’s something…he tells Kaitlyn how he lost his mom when he was 13. (No really-that’s the segue he uses from talking about BBQ to his dead mom.) Justin has a son named Aurealis (sp?) and I’m gonna need anyone who names their child THAT off the show immediately. While talking to Daniel about his furniture line for his fellow gays, Kaitlyn is slipped a note and jets outta there to see Jared outside, on the lam from the hospital. He demands a smooch for the cold cock he took from Ben Z. It’s the ole Bachelorette barter system, a sloppy makeout in exchange for a minor concussion. In the end, Ben Z. gets the rose and a tongue-ing. Back at the boy scouts ranch, Tony, the only one in the house sporting a fresh black eye, gives a passionate speech about how competition should never result in fisticuffs.

One on One Date- “You Take My Breath Away” Clint

This date is an underwater photoshoot, cause it’s like all the rage for engagement photos and definitely not creepy or corpse-like. They get ready for the photoshoot by breathing deeply and touching each other because apparently this is how one prepares to model in a heated pool.

In addition to looking like their eyes are rolling back in their head whilst drowning, Clint and Kaitlyn have an underwater makeout sesh, which seems quite complicated. They try again above water obviously. No but seriously all the awards to Kaitlyn for looking remotely sexy underwater, my friends and I tried to do a photoshoot in my pool once and it was disastrous. I’m not even being dramats…here was my best take:

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s chlorine in her eyes? I guess you win this round, Kaitlyn. After they make out some more on the roof during dinner, Kaitlyn reveals that Clint brings out her romantic side and therefore he gets a rose.

Group Date: I’m Looking for a Man Who Will Stand Up For Me

JJ, Jonathan, Chris (“Cupcake”), Ian, Joe, Tony, Joshua

Amy Schumer comes in to spice things up, teach the guys improv and drool all over Kaitlyn. Surprisingly, most of the guys do well with their pre-written jokes. JJ acts like a real dick and basically says he’s above everyone else and also that he’s a 30 year old single dad living with his parents. Keep doing you, JJ. Tony gets sauced, has a hard case of the stutters and uses his stage time to pontificate about the universe or something. Everyone in the crowd gets the uncomfy laughs and Tony has no radar for when people are laughing at him, not with him. Cupcake Chris relies on those abs of his to seal the deal when he unbuttons his minty toothpaste shirt.

Later on, Joshua talks about his dogs farting and every time Tony opens his mouth, straight gibberish dribbles out. It was exhausting trying to keep up with his stream of consciousness while also not looking directly into his nightmare bug eyes. I can honestly say I understood Onion Pomegranate better than this goon. They must be eating from the same onion tree near the mansion. Kaitlyn and douchenozzle JJ talk about his daughter some more and Kaitlyn essentially needs a cleanup in aisle underwear every time he even mentions his kid. This turn on that he’s a dad is starting to get real weird. They explore each other’s mouths. Joe takes Kaitlyn outside to eat her face against a brick wall then ruins his aggressive move by saying “Well I’ll be” like a grandpa discovering internet for the first time. Desert sandstorm underwear. JJ gets the rose because Kaitlyn has a dad fetish (that clearly doesn’t apply to dads of kids named after constellations.)

Cocktail Party:

The boys have a Gentlemen’s Agreement (huzzah!) to let the ones who didn’t get dates have some alone time with Kaitlyn and JJ says no way Jose’s and steers Kaitlyn right outta the room. Dick move, bruh. Ian talks about how he casually almost died after college and re-learned how to be a human so he gets a kiss. It’s the bachelor(ette) way to spew your sob story right quick if you think you’re on the chopping block, duhs. JJ tells a room full of testosterone steaming about his power move, “sorry I’m not sorry” like he’s a basic betch justifying having too much jungle juice at the luau themed sorority rush party. Tony is the most angry about it…he could just kill JJ with his bare…kindess.

Out of contestants we forgot existed, Kupah tries to pull the MINORITY CARD to justify why he’s still there when he LITERALLY voted for Britt and has made a point not to talk to Kaitlyn at all. Get out of here Kupah. He sits down with Kaitlyn to accuse her of keeping him around just because he’s black. Kaitlyn tells him he has made 0 effort and now the connection she once felt is gone. He returns to the crew to word vomit his anger and Kaitlyn hears everything from where she’s sitting directly next to him. She stomps on over and cuts off his yapping to take him away and tell him he needs to leave. He acts like an asshole, takes a swig of his whiskey and handcuffs himself to the door refusing to leave. JK but he does throw a baby tantrum and insist he’s not leaving because he thinks Kaitlyn is really sexy and he still would like to have relations with her. Kaitlyn is like no thank you, bye Felicia. Obviously he moves his tantrum right outside to the producers and when Kaitlyn overhears him yelling again she marches right out to handle things because she’s a bo$$. To Be Continued hopefully with a swift knee to Kupah’s groin. Smell ya later, Kupz.

Best Quotes

“Surprise, surprise.” -Tony as he sneaks into Kaitlyn’s bedroom at night and wakes her up with his crazy eyes, presumably to smother her to death with plants.

“JJ’s a sweetheart, he’s just missing charisma, and humility and a sense of humor…Maybe when he sees the show he’ll reflect on himself and not be such a turd.”-Amy Schumer telling it like it is.

“Right now I feel smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of I just talked to the girl and you didn’t.”-JJ…at least he wraps it up?

“When we first met it was weird but when we hit third year, boy it was amazing.”-The love story Kupah tries to convince Kaitlyn they’ll tell their grandkids. I’m guessing he’ll leave out the part about throwing a tantrum and trying to force this love story into existence.