JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of May 24th, 2021

 

1. I Was R I G H T.

As you might recall, the announcement of the Friends Reunion hit around February of 2020 and I was QUICK to tell everyone to calm the hell down about it. Refresh your memory HERE. Well folks, nothing brings me more pure joy than being THE MOST RIGHT. The Friends Reunion dropped yesterday, I saddled up to watch all two hours of it and it was NEARLY unwatchable. WHAT A LOAD OF GARBAGE. And if you’re a true Friends fan and you don’t agree with me, check yourself if you’re letting your fangirl bias get in the way. That was two straight hours of FLUFF. The same information could’ve been retained from a 5 minute feature on a late show. *Spoiler Alert for those who care about this trash ass reunion being spoiled* We had strangers from all over the world telling us how much they love the TV show, a collection of random celebrities describing specific scenes that we’ve already seen 900 times or telling us how much they love the TV show, a completely useless “fashion show” also including random celebs, and a couple of Friends guest star appearances for a VERY brief hello. Also, a Lady Gaga cameo for Smelly Cat that made me cringe to death. Hosted by James Corden, the special spliced between a live “interview” with the friends all in front of the original fountain from the intro, pre-taped conversations of them on the recreated set, flashbacks to old clips and a few little games with the cast. It was awkward and just a lot of the cast members crying and saying they love each other. Cool beans. The big dramatic *reveal* was that Jen Aniston and David Schwimmer wanted to bone each other IRL but never did because they were always in relationships while filming. So they channeled their horniness for each other into the characters. WOWOWOWOWOWOW. If it sounds like I’m bitter for how poorly this was done, please know that I am. Aside from the lack of content that these two hours produced, if I may make two personal observations. 1. It looks like the men have had more work done facially speaking than the women. It was a WHOLE lotta frozen old face up in that B. 2. Matthew Perry (aka Chandler) is clearly the odd man out. It became very obvious through group interactions that none of them have chosen to hang out with him personally in the past 15 years and also no one really cares to hear what he has to say now. I feel like he maybe got 5 words in edgewise the whole special. Poor Chanandler Bong. If you want to torture yourself, feel free to flip this bad boy on and drink every time one of them says “it feels just like no time has passed and we all just slipped right back into it.” Eye roll my G-D face off.

2. Ariana Stole My Birthday.

Ariana Grande decided my 30th birthday would be the ideal day to get married to her man of the mo’ and honestly HOW DARE SHE? I probably will not need to be concerned about this for longer than today because there’s not a chance in hell these two clowns make it even to their first anniversary. Maybe they’ll pop out a kid soon because that’s what’s hot in the streets with celebs in their twenties these days. Bet celebs don’t have their moms telling them on their 30th birthday they should look into freezing their eggs because they already have 3 kids by then. AnYwHo, Vogue did a whole spread on the fashion and lewks from Ariana’s low-key at-home nuptials. As someone who rips red carpet fashion like nobody’s biz, nothing is going to stop me from doing the same for Ariana’s big day. Here’s the spread.

From the neck up, I approve. Makeup is flawless, signature Ariana half up pony has an elegant spin to it with the vintage short veil and bow. Then we move downtown on this getup and that’s where I’m out. I love an open back, I don’t love tossing in essentially a built-in bra strap to the open canvas. I think it looks tacky as hell. And gurrrl, those heels and fur purse speak for themselves. Is she wearing custom designer pieces on her wedding day or hitting the stage in a sweaty strip club? Yikes on bikes. If you’re wearing 6 inch platform heels just to reach your husband’s mouth, I have concerns. Since I dumped on her Vera Wang wedding dress and hooker heelz, might I also add that the table setting is flawle$$. Every happiness to you birthday spotlight thiefs! *Place your bets now on how long this union lasts*

3. Bennifer 2.0.

As a close personal friend of JLo, I’d be remiss to fire up the JUice after a long hiatus and not comment on her current “apparent” rebound. And here’s the take that I gave to everyone in my family immediately upon the Bennifer resurgence at the end of April: it’s all fake. This is publicity stunt 101. It REEKS of showmanship. Ben Affleck just got dumped by up and coming actress and total babe soda Ana de Armas. He’s generally a kinda sloppy alcoholic that goes in and out of rehab and mainlines Dunkin icey’s. He could use a little press glow-up. JLo is a spicy tamale that everyone in America loves and/or wants to bang. It was rumored (I say that knowing it’s probably 100% true) that ARod cheated which caused the demise of their engagement. Wanna know the best way to stick it to your cheating ex-fiance? Show him you’re banging someone new. DUH times a million. She’s photographed gallivanting around with Ben Affleck and stir up a FLURRY of headlines and nostalgia, it’s all shoved directly in ARod’s grillpiece and he’s made to think about what he lost by stepping out on his Queen. Win, win all around. Ben looks great, JLo looks fancy free and funky fresh not a care in the world just having the time of her life, the world gets to relive the most ridiculous pop culture phenomenon of a couple and salivate over it being the early 2000’s again, bingo bango everyone’s happy. (Except for ARod.) Also might I add, do you think JLO, the woman who is at HER PRIME at 50 years old is going to honestly go back to Ben Affleck?! Get real. It’s gonna take a lot more than some pics of them walking into the gym in Miami to convince me that these two are actually back together.

4. Sad Scoop.

Kevin Clark aka Freddy the drummer from School of Rock died this week at 32. He was riding a bike in Chicago and was hit by a car. SUPER sad news because he’s young and also because it’s a horrible accident. He was never in anything other than School of Rock because he wasn’t trying to be an actor, he was only cast in that movie because of his drumming skills. As someone who was 12 when the movie School of Rock came out, I was for SURE crushing on Freddy. A drummer with an attitude? Sign me up. Obviously I was going through a real bad boy phase. That spiky hair made my 6th grade heart swoon. What a time for hair gel to take the center stage. Anyway, I hate reporting sad scoops because there’s nothing funny to say about someone dying way too young. Here’s the last time the gang was all together for a special performance of the all-time classic Zach’s Song.

5. Baby Sitch Hath Arrived.

In preparation for one day being a New Jersey resident, I’ve been doing my due diligence of research. Staying up to date on all Jersey Shore cast member milestones is a given. The sitch and his lady welcomed Romeo Reign into the world and by God if that’s not a cocky as hell name. Putting a lot of pressure on this little nugget’s shoulders to become a wealthy reality TV star who serves time for evading his taxes. Just kidding, the name is fine and fairly normal as far as “celeb” names go. What I’m really here to talk about is that in my process of full-on Jersey immersion, I’ve begun the Real Housewives of New Jersey from the start and what a wild ride that has been. No one ever warned me that the New Jersey installment is basically a scripted mafia movie featuring the Manzo family. Most importantly, I’m getting a lay of the land, taking note of the hot spots including of course, the Brownstone, and updating my fashion choices to correlate with the Jersey lifestyle:

Kangol in hand, Jersey here I COME BAYBAY!

BONUS: I haven’t been on the TikTok scene lately but I did make a video of my California vacay set to the tuneage of my epic Gold Coast Grooves playlist and Instagram banned it the SECOND I posted it because of one song so I’m gonna post it here instead. Enjoy a tour of the various beaches of Orange County, me almost decapitating my bestie with a rogue champagne cork & a very boozy singalong to Natasha Bedingfield the night before my birthday. I took the liberty of rolling the window down and scream singing it into the breeze as we drove down the highway of which I’m sure my friend’s fiance was none too pleased about. I was just trying to find my inner-LC and that seems pretty obvious.

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Music, Playlist

Best Fictional Hits Playlist

I had one of those days where I realized how many songs I have in my iTunes that are actually fake bands from TV shows or movies and I decided to throw them together into a playlist because why not? (take a crazy chance, do a crazy dance) Anyway you’re either going to think this is super weird or you’re gonna love it…it’s a random selection of fictional songs that would’ve soared the Billboard Charts had they been sung by real life musicians.

1. What Dreams Are Made Of- Lizzie McGuire, The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Always start a playlist with a bang. That’s my motto. Lizzie was just a normal awkward middle school girl but suddenly on her chaperoned trip to Rome she was mistaken for an Italian pop star and got to perform in the Coliseum. Ho hum, no biggie. Not only is this song fire flames, but this performance was magnetic. Therefore it will be one of the only videos I attach to this list because in order to say Buona Sera to my American friend Lizzie Mcguire, you need the visual aide of a skirt turning into a metallic jumpsuit with belly button cutout and technicolor lights. SING TO ME, PAOLO! (Please read in shitty Italian accent)

2. Zach’s Song- School of Rock, School of Rock

What do you get when you put together a chubby Asian, rebel with spiked hair and a quiet nerd? The keyboardist, drummer and guitarist/singer for the coolest band in the world, duh. You don’t like good music if you don’t think this song melts faces. Also Freddy, if you’re still a bad boy drummer with an attitude, CALL ME!

freddy

3. Stephanie- Tommy Page, Full House

Did I really need to force everyone to listen to Stephanie Tanner shriek Tommy Page at the top of her lungs before the song even starts? No, but I’ve had this bootleg version for so long that I think her pre-teen screech has become a staple in this beautiful melody. If my dad ever got a teen heartthrob to serenade me at my 13th birthday party I think I would melt into a puddle of awkward and not know what to do with my hands. Stephanie handles much better, by falling in love with Tommy who probably shouldn’t be singing to a teenager that she means everything to him. Also the kiss on the lips could’ve been a little misleading. Yikes, creep.

steph

4. Halo- Haley James Scott, One Tree Hill

Obviously there’s no way I would make a fake pop star playlist and not include my little tutor girl turned rocker, Hales. This is easily her best song and also the one that caused the least conflict with hubs Nathan, so win, win all around.

5. That Thing You Do- The Wonders, That Thing You Do

Hey remember this movie with Liv Tyler as a 60’s smoke with perfect eyeliner all the time? Anyway…this song is awesome and even though The Wonders (formerly Oneders) had to disband due to their lead singer being a dick, this one hit wonder (see what I did there, ha-ha) will forever live on.

shades

6. Supernova Girl- Proto Zoa, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

Seems pretty awkz to go from a movie with Tom Hanks in it to a song about outer space from a Disney movie, right? I like to keep you on the edge of your seat, obviously. Zetus Lupetus this song is stupid AF but SO catchy. I mean seriously, Proto Zoa had silver spiked hair and obviously had a way with words MAJOR.

protozoa

7. Friends Forever- Zack Attack, Saved By The Bell

Ah, back in the days when Zack and his Bayside buddies would dream about making it big and having Casey Kasem (RIP) narrate their climb to fame. Fortunately for all Zack Attack fans, Zack didn’t start banging their manager and turn into a superdouche to go solo and wear hammer pants. Instead the gang stayed Friends Forever and sang about it. And by sang about it I mean the show hired a bunch of mature adults to sing it and then tried to pass it off like these 16 year olds sounded like that.

Zack_Attack zack

8. 3 Small Words- Josie & the Pussycats, Josie & The Pussycats

Confession: I don’t even think I ever saw this movie but you bet your bottom dollar I downloaded this song from Limewire and slapped it on a mix CD to listen to in my walkman. I memorized these lyrics like nobody’s biz and I’m 99% sure it was because I was not allowed to see the movie and didn’t want to have FOMO when all my friends talked about it so I learned the song to have something to contribute to the convo. Anyway, GIRLS RULE.

9. 5000 Candles in the Wind- Mouse Rat, Parks & Recreation

I’m late to the party and just now rolling through all the episodes of Parks & Rec but even as a fresh fan it seemed wrong to make a playlist without a tribute to Lil Sebastian. RIP in horsey heaven. Also Leslie told Andy to make Candle In the Wind but 5000x better and he NAILED it.

ronswanson lil sebastian

10. Now Or Never-Troy Bolton (& Fellow Wildcats), High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Listen, with three High School Musical movies it was pretty tough to narrow it down to just one song. Obviously Breaking Free was the one that started it all but it’s slow and it just didn’t feel right. High School Musical 2 doesn’t count because it SUUUUUCKKKED so that left senior year, their big theater debut to choose from. Again, so many jams so little time. I chose this one because it has everything that High School Musical embodies all in one song. The love between Gabriella and Troy (check), the overemphasis on a non-ranking varsity basketball team (check), Troy battling his passion for sports AND singing at an inconvenient time (check) and finally everyone in the school joining in uninvited (check). Plus it gets you pumped up to win the big game or sing your heart out or whatever.

troy

11. Killer Tofu- The Beets, Doug

What I really wanted to do was include Doug’s quick foray into singing on this playlist but how I remembered the song “Bangin on a trashcan” was WAY better than what it actually sounded like. I think Beebe did backup vocals or something and it RUINED the song. Plus Skeeter didn’t honk, honk in it. Lame. This one is a gr8 tune from Doug’s fave band The Beets. I’m shocked they don’t cycle this on classic rock stations. OH-EE-OHHH KILLER TOFUUUUUU.

“I eat my sugar cereal but it makes my teeth bacterial”- THIS IS GENIUS SONGWRITING.

dougbanjo thebeets

12. Ultimate- Pink Slip, Freaky Friday

I’m not at all embarrassed to admit that I purchased a hard copy of this movie’s soundtrack and also was inspired to learn guitar so that I could start a rock band and win over a guy who looked like Chad Michael Murray. I played the song this band played at Wango Tango in the movie to my dad and told him to teach it to me. He taught me Jingle Bells first and I quit guitar lessons a week later. Pipe dreams, ya know? Anyway, Linds rockin an electric guitar at her mom’s wedding was SO RAD.

pinkslip

13. Cinderella- The Cheetah Girls, The Cheetah Girls

Ideally “Cheetah Sisters” would be on this playlist but it’s actually a real snooze of a song for like the first minute and no one is gonna sit around for that. This song is actually good, so you’re welcome, everyone’s ears. The Cheetah girls introduced me to stupid handshakes, excessive animals prints, and the fact that names like Galleria, Aqua and Dorinda even existed. #Culture. Thanks Disney Channel. 3LW obviously carried the group and I’m grateful they demoted their careers for this flick. Plus they gave me a reason to still regularly say “We’re Cheetah Girls, Cheetah Sisters” every time someone else wears a cheetah print on the same day as me. (It happens more often than you would think.)

cheetah

14. Forever- Jesse & The Rippers, Full House

YAASSSSS. SING IT TO ME, UNCLE J. This song is probably the best song to ever come out of a TV show…it was also #1 in Japan, domo very much. Jesse & The Rippers were the shit and I could’ve put any of their songs on this mix but this one deserves it the most because it was written for Becky and it’s adorbz. Relationship goals. Plus it has an actual music video featuring a very shirtless Jesse. Lick.

jesseforever 

15. Bella’s Finals- Barden Bellas, Pitch Perfect

Since I tortured you with some real weird 90’s and Disney songs on this playlist, we shall end the same way we started…with fire flames. The Barden Bellas are the badass bitches of the accapella world and this mashup they did to win the finals should win all the awards ever. It’s also a really great drinking song.

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