JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/24/17

1. Happy Birthday to me, from Harry Week.

Harry + James 43v3r, beginning May 15th, the day that I was born into this world. WHAT CRAZY ANTICS WILL THEY GET INTO?! You bet your bottom dollar I’m about to find out. I’m so excited that I’m not even thinking about how my sister, brother in law and boyf collectively RUINED his SNL appearance for me by continuously asking why I thought he was attractive. I’m choosing to ignore that STUPID question and get ready for new music and new lawlzzzz from this dynamic duo. PS: I lied. I’m not going to ignore that stupid question. Just look no further than the first three gifs I found on google. Any mood-Harry is sexy. Argument over.

2. Bye, Farmer Chris.

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I can’t with the Bach contestants and how they treat their lives like a boozy adult summer camp. Go on dancing with the stars, “write” a book, promote MVMT watches on InstaG, go to paradise for 3 weeks to bang other bach family members #incest. Rinse, repeat. Well it looks like Farmer Chris done F’ed that up for himself. In the sketchiest recount of an accident I’ve ever heard apparently two trucks fell in a ditch and the driver of the other vehicle died. Then Chris ran away and hid at someone’s house until the cops provided a warrant to drag his ass to jail, where he took this v sober mugshot. YIKES. What would Chris Harrison say?

3. Bye, Dirty Dancing.

I previously shit all over this casting job when it was announced but now that they’ve actually released footage it deserves to be re-dumped on. Why ruin a classic? This seriously looks terrible and the fact that it’s a made for TV movie says everything. Yes that’s right, calling it a “great television event” doesn’t change the fact that it’s a higher budget Lifetime movie. Don’t you dare disgrace Patrick Swayze and his magic hips like that. They’re sambaing in his grave as he ROLLS OVER.

4. Hi, Blake & Ryan.

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Blake & Ryan hit the red carpet making me uncontrollably drool all over and I needed to talk about it obviously. This dress is pretty ugly but it’s Blake and I still gasped when I saw her. That’s all. Carry on.

5. Don’t trust Ja Rule to organize a festival.

Ja created Fyre Festival on an island in the Bahamas where tickets were like 1200 bucks and he promoted it with a bunch of models on yachts but like guess what? It was a heaping pile of hot garbage. Or in the words of every update from it today: MASS CHAOS! It’s a good thing the target audience for this shitshow wasn’t millennials addicted to social media… oh wait…

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Definitely looks like a once in a lifetime experience! Hey Ja Rule, how about you stop pretending you’re the next music festival mogul and get back to popping out bangerz with Ashanti. The jig is up. You’re embarrassing yourself. Also, not to be glossed over–anyone who bought tickets to this event based on a rap music video promo with models shaking their T&A:

khaled

BRING US INTO THE WEEKEND JA!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/25/15

1. 90’s Reunions are all the rage. The hussies of Cruel Intentions did a little girls night out to see the musical version of said movie and Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair got reacquainted with each other’s mouths. In more PG reunions, sitcom pals Jodie Sweetin, Christine Lakin and Beverly Mitchell (Stephanie Tanner, Al Lambert & Lucy Camden) had brunch and didn’t make out with each other. Oh, 90’s nostalgia. Gets me every time. Side note: We can all agree that Cruel Intentions is one of those movies that if it’s on TV we stop everything to watch, right? Just so disturbingly good.

2. Jason Derulo has a new album full of bangers on bangerz. I put one of his new hits on last week’s JUice but then he threw us for a loop this week by putting his full album out for preview and I haven’t stopped playing it on repeat. Whatever J creates turns to gold. Guy hasn’t made one single song I hate in the past like 3 years. Do your ears a favor and give Everything is 4 a listen.

Full Album Here

3. CMT Music Awards to be hosted by Erin Andrews & Brittany Snow.

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 18:  Singer Nicki Minaj attends the 2014 Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 18, 2014 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

What? Pick two more random people to host an awards show for country music. This will most certainly be a trainwreck. Tune in June 10th at 8P to see it all transpire, because you KNOW I will and it will be blogged.

4. I can eat more pizza than Beyonce. Queen B is hammin it up in Florence, dabbling in some pizza and gelato and when she posted this picture of half a pizza, my face immediately broke into a shit-eating grin. I’m finally better than Beyonce at something.

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Not only did I crush a whole pizza in Florence, I did it on the REG. I may not be a superstar billionaire queen, but I can PUT AWAY A PIZZA. Respect THAT. Bow down bitches. #CleanPlateClub PS: Did Bey get a heart-shaped pizza? Answer: NO.

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5. Prince Farming and his Milkmaid are headed to Splitsville instead of Podunk, IA. 

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This is last on the list for obvious reasons. A mere months after Chris dum dum Soules picked Whitney because she was the only one who agreed to move to Iowa, they’re dunzo. Color me shocked. Although now that the show is over, can we cut the shit with Chris being a “full time farmer” in Arlington? Bro just did The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars B2B. Something tells me he’s not flying back to Iowa every night to tend to his cows. The schtick is up. He lives in LA and he’s about to become a career reality TV star. Put it in the books.

BONUS for getting through this short week: Zac Efron and his biceps went hiking in Hawaii this past Memorial Day. Lick.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Prince Farming Finds His Milk Maid

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Welp, the day has come. I’d like to personally toot my own horn for lasting this entire season and making the best of it with lots of wine and lots of snark. That being said, this finale was a REAL snoozefest. Like probably the most boring two hours of television I’ve ever watched leading up to the most predictable proposal, like ever. So let’s dig in, corn lovahs.

We find ourselves in Arlington, Iowa again…unfortunately- so that the ladies can all meet Chris’s family and be one with the farms. Speaking of being one with the farm, now that Chris is back amongst his crops he does a lot of walking into the snow-covered fields and staring off into the distance, thinking about his next milking or who he was going to marry or whatever.

Whitney

Whitney meets the entire family for lunch and there’s tears and a toast about how much she loves Chris and his family and how important this is and everyone is already her family, so there. She’s just as heavy on the self-tanner as she is on the love for Chris’s family. It’s winter in Iowa girl, T it down with the orange lotion. The sisters also chat with Whitney and it becomes very clear that they’re Team Whit.

When Chris sits down with the sisters he talks mostly about Becca—because the only hesitation Chris has with Whitney is that he has “another girl he really likes.” Apparently Chris is in high school talking to his sisters about who he’ll take to prom. Continuing the high school theme, Chris has a SUPER difficult time talking about why he loves Becca. He basically starts listing her superlatives, you know she’s athletic and stuff…

Whitney and Mama Soules have a good heart to heart where naturally Whitney cries a lot and says all the right things. Chris’s mom is like yeah I love the shit out of you but it’s not my decision. Regardless, Whitney is confident that she’s the future Mrs. Soules.

Chris and his boyz meet in the tool shed, as farm bros do, to talk about his DIFFICULT decision. The men wear a variation of colored plaid shirts and Old Navy Tech vests as they try to concentrate on the gibberish that Chris is spewing. His boys are team Whitney because Whit has already agreed to give up everything she’s ever owned to live in Arlington and Becca’s like meh, maybe.

Becca

Becca rolls into Tumbleweed city with a cake and a case of the nervsies. She feels better once Chris sings the Be Yourself song to her.

Works every time. Inside, there’s literally kids crawling all over the place, which probably doesn’t help Becca’s apprehension to commit to getting married and popping out baby farmers stat. At dinner, everyone laughs about how the Arlington “downtown” area is a dump hole with only a post office. What a sad existence. Do you think they’re all drugged? Becca becomes little miss Jokey McJokester and says if she moves there she’ll tell her family to stop texting her and communicate only through snail mail. Lawlz, Becca. Methinks a carrier pigeon might be more efficient.

Chris sits down with the sisters once again and the CSI music is seriously overwhelming. It’s distracting that I feel like we’re finding a rapist murderer instead of listening to his sisters give him advice on how to communicate with women. Same thing, really.

The convo between Becca and Mama Soules starts out quite lovely as Mom tells Becca that because Chris is so picky must mean she’s a special one. But he also needs a bitch to move to Iowa and be his farm slave, so things get passive aggressive real quick. Mama Soules starts to bully Becca into admitting she’s in love and Becca obviously is terrified so she’s like yeah maybe I am in love with Chris. Finally the mama bear lays down the hammer with LIVE YOUR LIFE, NO RAGRETS, Tim Riggins style. She makes Becca cry like a big kid on the playground. Becca leaves real unsure of her future as Chris walks down a barren road, probably heading toward town to see if there’s any human life still existing. It’s looking grim.

Becca & Chris Last Date

Chris wants to know if Becca can really see herself moving to Iowa FOR-EVER. FOREVER. Essentially Becca can’t make any promises of when she would be ready to move to Shit-Town, USA and her and Chris have their first real fight. Chris sits her down job interview style and is like can you give me your five year plan. Don’t EVER ask a girl what her five year plan is, unless her name is Whitney I guess because that girl basically handed over her letter of resignation in Bali. Anyway Becca is like all I know is that I want you AKA she’ll be giving up dat V real soon. Finally it comes out that she’s scared she won’t have her own life in Arlington (Becca is a human with real thoughts.) And Chris is like AHA I GOTCHA, YOU HATE ARLINGTON. Chris then cries about it afterward in his button up sweater in front of a globe artfully positioned next to some lit romantic candles. This is his Becca’s about to get kicked on outta here vibe.

Whitney & Chris Last Date

They ride around on the tractor and Chris teaches Whitney how to do donuts around the corn. Whitney gets turned on at how Chris farms, duhs. He gives Whitney the tour of all the farms he owns and brings her to the bachelor pad. One day, this could all be yours, Whitney-Son. Girl gets emosh again and talks about how right everything is and how thankful she is for this journey because she straight up can’t stop crying and word vomiting her love for him. Chris says everyone and everything and every piece of dirt in his land is AWESOME, awesome, awesome. Whitney takes this opportunity alone with Chris to tell him she’s obsessed with him and they can tell each other everything with just one look and totally finish each other’s sentences. Chris starts to say This is…and Whitney jumps in with AWESOME. They’re so in love.

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Last Rose

Neil Lane has appeared to give away a diamond ring in exchange for free advertising and also to complain about Iowa. The music swells again and seriously the sound mixer for this show deserves to be fired. It’s so overwhelming. The girls get ready and gown up to hit the barn that has been decorated like a whimsical forest but probably still smells like cow shit and horses. Chris puts on a real show of saying he might not propose to anyone and he’s so torn when really we all know what’s going to happen. Nice try, dum dum. He also talks a lot about how HARD he has been working to get to this moment…it was a HUGE missed opportunity that the producers didn’t flash back to a montage of him making out with all the ladies while he said this. Oh yeah, Chris? You really worked for it.

Becca arrives first so we already know she’s dunzo. She enters the barn of love and Chris has a legitimate face seizure when he sees her. I was actually concerned that he would need a paramedic to recover. He says he can totally see Becca as his wife and farm slave but she just ain’t ready for that shit. Then he pukes out a bunch of clichés (eloquently of course, as he’s known to do)– I’m not giving you what you need, you’re going to make someone incredibly happy, blah blah blah. Instead of spiking the rose off of his stupid rambling face like I wanted her to do, Becca tells him that she respects him and that he’s going be a fab hubs. It’s classy of her but realistically I didn’t sit through two hours of boring-fest to watch a girl say thank you for your time, byeee. You can tell she’s ACTUALLY relieved that she doesn’t have to ditch her fab mid-twenties lifestyle in Cali to move to a farm and start wearing a bonnet. Becca doesn’t even cry when she leaves, she just smiled because it happened. Chris watches her go and as we were forced to watch him stare into space again for a solid 2 minutes, I started to get irritated until my friend Lindsey pointed out that he was probably supposed to be talking but he just couldn’t find the words. So we’re cutting The Bachelor producers a little slack for working with a moron.

FINALLY, Whitney approaches the barn in what can only be described as a gown that a middle aged woman would wear to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Whitney comes in hot with the jabber jaws and literally won’t shut up about how much she loves Chris (really?! We had NO idea!) and basically doesn’t let Chris speak for five minutes. Chill, grl. Chris is eventually like oh is it my turn? He speaks and it’s like Shakespeare himself reciting prose. Just kidding, he still stutters and stammers and is like I love you, I love you, I LOOOOOVE you. He really likes that they both want the same things, which is to live in a desolate town and reproduce a slew of future farmers. You know, because Chris told Whitney to want these things and she was like OK!!! He gets down on one knee and I’m disappointed that they didn’t incorporate a haystack in this, there’s so much loud kissing and so many I love yous that I needed a barf bucket to get through it. They end watching that Iowa sunset and Britt sneaks out from behind a tree to remind everyone that the sunset is what made her fall in love with Arlington, and she could still move there if need be, NBD but HBD. And so the dolphin laugh ends up with the piercing Mickey Mouse voice…(as my friend Courtney pointed out) could there ever be a more perfect match?

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Deep Thoughts from Chris:

“I am dating two extremely awesome girls and I feel like I’m falling in love with them so I have an extremely hard decision to make.” I’m pretty disappointed that C. Harrison, the novelist, didn’t give Chris a Thesaurus before the final episode. That would’ve been like extremely AWESOME!

“We’ve got to get some dirt in those pink nails of yours.” Chris “I’m gonna put you to work once you’re my wife” Soules, ladies. RUN, WHITNEY, RUN!

“I’m so happy to be in the barn where I raised my first pig”-Chris thinking about pigs instead of proposals. Sounds about right.

AFTER SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

-Whitney only watched her dates with Chris this season. I wonder why… did she not want to see him slop all over every woman in the house?

-Chris actually utters the sentence: “I knew you had never fellen in love.” to Becca. Chris handles live TV and facing exes like nobody’s biz. Mr. Smooth.

-Bonus clip: Chris’s parents surprise them after the proposal and talk about pumping out kids and “practicing”. All the uncomfies. Even Whitney was like ha-ha you’re ruining this moment, go away now.

-Onion Pomegranate gets more air time and will get even more on Bachelor in Paradise.Girl is cashing IN on a damn onion.

-Jimmy Kimmel comes out and makes fun of everything then parades a cow out into the audience. Jimmy Kimmel still wins this season.

In a SHOCKING twist…they save the announcement for last that….

Drumroll

No seriously, wait for it. I HAD TO.

Apparently Bachelor nation couldn’t choose between Britt or Kaitlyn for the next Bachelorette so they decided WHY NOT BOTH?! I’ve never seen a more polarizing reaction from an audience. Chris Harrison was like clearly you were torn up about this and I’m surprised someone didn’t just stand up and shout TEAM KAITLYN because everyone is OBVIOUSLY team Kaitlyn. So apparently in the first ever 2 for 1 Bachelorette special,  the men will choose which one is wife material like they’re shopping for a mail order bride… Wonder who they’ll choose-Britt who gives free hugs (wink) or Kaitlyn who tells good jokes. My girl Kaitlyn got the shaft and she knows it. They even put them in matching sparkle dresses for the announcement. Yiiiikes this is gonna be bad.

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But you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be here to recap the trainwreck that it is. Until next time Bachelor Nation….now who wants in on the over/under of Whitney and Chris’s breakup? Anyone? Anyone?

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor: The Women All Cry in One Room

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Come one, come all (if you’re middle aged and have a lot of feelings) to the live-action scorned women showdown. Your honorable host, Chris Harrison will be taming the circus tonight and showing everyone his comedic chops as he asks the hard-hitting questions and tames the wild mustangs waiting in the wings to attack. Unfortunately I missed the first twenty minutes, but before anyone can get sassy, I’d like to confess that I ran out of wine this weekend (not really sure how THAT’S possible) and I watched this episode stone cold sober. For that, I deserve a full applause. Let’s get right to Mz. Free Hugs.

Britt:

Oh how the mighty have fallen, Britt takes the hot seat to defend how she went from top sloppy makeout dog to crying on a curb. There’s a little scuffle between her and Kardashley about the comment that she didn’t want to have kids ever. This is the part where Britt lists her resume which is chock-full of working with children so OF COURSE SHE WANTS KIDS, KARDASHLEY YOU IGNORANT SLUT. Kardashley is like ok maybe I heard wrong, luh yew girl.

Then comes the Carly vs. Britt battle. Might I point out first of all that whoever told Carly to bleach her hair even blonder than it already was and leave her eyebrows brown is the real MVP here. I never actually thought Carly’s eyebrows could get weirder but we fully achieved it tonight because they looked like they were drawn on with a Mr. Sketch brown cinnamon scented marker.

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Anyway, not to get catty because Carly already took care of that when she started out by saying, “I actually don’t have a problem with Britt, I have no ill will at all.” Even C. Harrison was like Bitch, Please to that bullshit. Carly tells the whole story of the show that we all watch three hours of every Monday, like we’re a bunch of morons who didn’t know what was happening. You’re not talking to Chris Soules anymore, Carly you can bring the education level up a notch or five. Britt spends this time trying to interject every five seconds and also rolling her eyes like nobody’s biz. Britt gives good eye roll. Finally she’s had enough and says, “You’ve pretty much narrated my love story for the past three weeks, so can I say something?” SHUT. DOWN. SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS BECAUSE THERE HAS BEEN A MURDER. No but seriously, I would’ve respected Britt a little more in this argument had she not spent the whole time looking at the lights and scrunching her face trying to make herself cry. After the commercial break we return to Britt sobbing and C. Harrison with his head propped in his hand like don’t you fret girrrllll everyone’s just jelly of you. C. Harrison set a precedent for crushing it as variety hour host right about here.

CHRIS HARRISON, BRITT

Kelsey:

If anything is going to make a room of biddies erupt I didn’t expect it to be the widow of Sanderson Poe with her sensible mom haircut. It was like the line for pizza after the bars close with all those women in their cheap dresses looking for a rumble the second Kelsey hit that stage. She reacted well though, like the sociopath that she is. They show her Oscar-worthy montage (I’m still holding out for the Lifetime movie…c’mon guys it’s not like you’re a respectable network, you cashed in on Brittany Murphy’s death with an actress who looked nothing like her…not that I watched or anything.) Anywho, immediately after watching, Kelsey reveals, “I feel like I’m grieving all over again.” You would’ve thought she admitted to killing Chris Soules and sleeping with his dead body every night with the facial expressions amongst the fellow ladies after that.

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Once they’ve recovered from frozen shock face, the girls all try to butt in with bitchy comments that they just keep shouting out. Kelsey gets emotional as one does when they’re trying to act for cameras and C.Harrison gives her his silk handkerchief to snot rocket into. At that, Kardashley whose going for the award of Most Gif-able reaction shots, gives Kelsey a look like she’s the dirtiest scum bucket alive.

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C.Harrison asks hey, so Kelsey, do you maybe see after that clip that you were kind of a twat? And Kelsey is like hmm maybe a touch. Chris nearly has to go WWE smack down to keep the bitches from clawing Kelsey to death when he opens up the floor to them. Ju(e)lia hits her first and says she’s also a widow and Kelsey is the fakest person she’s ever met. BOOM. Helmet Megan also kicks it into high gear about losing a parent and calling Kelsey’s bullshit. SMACK. Trina, who’s Trina? Hates her stinkin guts too. CRASH. SAMANTHA SPEAKS!!! This alone deserves a rose. Girl thinks she got voted off the island because Kelsey got a panic attack rose. (She’s actually really nice about it, too bad we never heard her utter a peep all season.) Kelsey gets real teary about people saying her husband didn’t even exist and Kardashley’s like welllllll does he? As she sobs all over the joint, Chris goes “Clearly this has been an emotional journey for you.” Clearly, Chris.

Onion Pomegranate:

Hey everyone, Ashley S. the batshit crazy one is back, because we need an upper before everyone starts crying again. The crowd watches OP’s loony bin clips like it’s a five star standup comedy routine. They show different people laughing like maniacs and then pan to Ashley S. who tries way too hard to look like she’s in on the joke. Then she brings an onion up to Chris and says she’s been growing them, and it instantly becomes clear that this girl’s act will not quit. She’s committed hard. C.Harrison thrives on being the host of crazy town hour and he milks it for all it’s worth. He asks Ashley what the cats were saying to her in the mesa verde and who she really is as a human being. Apparently she likes to ride bikes. She also still is unsure of what planet she’s actually on. C Harrison invites her to go on Bachelor in Paradise, for ratings of course. Instead of answering she stares those dead eyes off into space and says, it’s so weird that we’re on TV, before I assume she walks toward the camera and touches it in wonder with her mouth open.

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Does it smell good, Chris?

Jade:

Jade is looking ROUGH tonight and I’m kind of disappointed in her. She can’t pull her shit together and basically just barely sobs out that Chris’s blog for People (which unfortunately I read every week to gain insight on if he has brain activity—spoiler alert: he doesn’t) hurt her feelings. Apparently he said her being wild disgusted her or something and she’s read it every single day since he dumped her while listening to Jewel’s You Were Meant for Me and letting the fat tears roll down her face. All jokes aside she just wants closure from him because he obviously lied to her Playboy posing face about why he was cutting her loose. Good luck, girl. You’re gonna get more support from the middle aged women passionately nodding at you in the audience than stammery Soules.

 

Kaitlyn:

Kaitlyn continues to be my favorite in this whole slew of overly dramats women because not only does she look fab in a tight white crop coordinates outfit (take notes on how to dress when you see someone who dumped you on TV for the first time in months, Jade) but Kaitz also holds her shit together and comes across as an intelligent woman. Without sobbing, she articulates that she was falling in love and feeling confident at the rose ceremony and can pinpoint when her heart was broken. She wants to find out why the hell Chris would tell her he’s falling in love with her and also most definitely have sex with her in the fantasy suite just to axe her in a foreign country while wearing a festive robe. Are we seeing a trend here with Chris not handling his women well and lying a lot, ladiezzz? Jus sayin. These women should probably cut their losses and feel good about dodging a bullet, especially mah gurl Kaitlyn. Even though Kaitlyn has a good interview and I want to support her, she also spends the whole time onstage aggressively licking her lips and it gets REAL distracting.

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And the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the doofus himself, Chris “Sweaty Pits Won’t Quit” Soules arrives: (No really… HAVE WE NOT LEARNED THAT CHRIS WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE?)

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Is everyone here mad at me or something?

All he has to do is walk into the room and already Britt bursts into tears. Oh yeah, I just have that effect on women; they just want to cry immediately upon seeing me because that’s how terrible I treat them. This is what I imagine Chris says to his cows back home when he chitchats with them every morning. Britt asks to come up and brings it all full circle by giving Chris a 45 minute long uncomfy hug…FOR FREE. This evokes a hard eye roll from Carly. All I get from this convo is that Britt respects and loves Chris and Chris just stutters a lot. Smooth start.

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Kaitlyn gets a turn next to ask Chris a bunch of questions that he will pretend to listen to and then just open his mouth and hope for the best while responding. Kaitlyn once again is very composed and just wants to know why he would stick it in her and say he’s in love with her then say peace out girlfraaann. Also having her sit through that rose ceremony when he knew she was going home WAS pretty brutal Chris’s response was: Ughh blub blub this is my first time being the bachelor HAHA. Kaitlyn should be the next goddamn Oprah and she’s dealing with this ooga booga.

And finally, Jade asks if she can come up to talk to Chris about why he checked out her nudies and then said it gave him a weird boner. She gets all sobsies and really doesn’t help her case of exposing how dumb Chris is. Unfortunately we have to hear the phrase wild mustang like 5 more times. And in the end Chris stammers out uh yeah YOU would’ve felt awkward too so HA. And then inserts tail between legs and apologizes because at this point there’s nothing else he can do. The damage was done when he told every single girl he loved them and then massaged their mouths with his. Time to move on from this VERY difficult time in his life.

And just because there were so many tears…here are the blooper reel highlights:

-Chris’s HIDEOUS laugh montage juxtaposed with dolphin sounds (This is the point where I seriously thought the producers knew I had run out of wine and were just straight up torturing me.)

-Jillian burning her black box on a hot chair…I think that’s what full shorts were invented for but who am I to jump to conclusions.

-Shit falling on Kelsey’s head, can we really call that a blooper or was it more of a ploy to get her to GO OFF.

-Kardashley spitting champagne up on herself, cause she doesn’t swallow. HEYYOOOO.

In closing, in the most inorganic and forced way possible, insert shameless self-promotion of C. Harrison’s new harlequin romance novel. Because apparently if you mediate a reality show with people looking for love, you’re now qualified to pen a novel. You do you, C.Harrison.

Next week it all comes to an end folks and I think I’m actually sad about it. Who will I make fun of on a weekly basis? Anyway, stay tuned to find out if Chris picks Becca or Whitney or if his head just hurts too much from everything being SO hard that he hightails it back to Arlington without a hostage wife.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Time to Get Down to Biz…On Sacred Ground

chrisbachelor

This week starts out in the mystical land of Bali. Prince Farming may be out of his element because there are actual people in this city but he doesn’t let it shake him as he shouts in a market like a foreigner and plays instruments with starving children. He’s so cultured now. I’m really proud. He stares out at the water with his new monkey friends and ponders what it will be like to finally bang one out after weeks of tonguing every woman he speaks to.

Kaitlyn’s Date

Kaitlyn and Chris go to a local temple, no kissing allowed, and Kaitlyn must cover up her buhhole hanging out of her tight pink cutoffs plus her open back top. Show some respect, gurl. They balance baskets on their heads and Chris wears a turban that makes him look like more of an idiot than usual. Chris introduces Kaitlyn as his girlfriend to the villagers, so apparently we’re now watching sister wives. “Everyone is so nice here,” Chris and Kaitlyn agree… and it has absolutely nothing to do with the camera crew following them around. They kick it with their monkey friends who they feed bananas to. The monkeys inspire Kaitlyn to go after what she wants: Chris’s banana.

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Later at dinner, Kaitlyn is shaking and she doesn’t know why…I’m guessing it’s because she’s visibly shaken by how sweaty Chris is. Chris sweats in regular moderate temps and as you can imagine, putting him in a tropical atmosphere has pushed his hyperhidrosis through the roof. Bro has pit stains down to his waist. Kaitlyn is having a hard time letting her guard down, Chris tries to relate but ummm I’m pretty sure you’re not also vulnerable Chris, this is your show and you have the upper hand. Quit bitching and choose your biddy. Chris invites Kaitlyn to the fantasy suite, and follows it up with, “I think we deserve this…” AKA “I think I deserve to get a little ‘tration after several weeks of foreplay.” Kait is falling in love with him and is also ready to sex it up in an all expenses paid resort.

Whitney’s Date

Whitney runs into Chris’s arms and wraps her legs around him, because apparently every female contestant is obsessed with the leg wrap greeting. They have a yacht picnic in the Indian Ocean like they’re Jay & Bey or something. The 12-year-old yacht conductor (?) drives the massive boat into the dock, so things start off with a real bang. Whit throws mad shade at sis Kimberly just because she wouldn’t give her approval last week and isn’t living in La La Reality TV Land. Whitney, please don’t apologize for a sister who has rational thought. Chris responds with like don’t worry about it, it’s awkward and stuff. Whitney is reassured. They jump in the water to be spontaneous, but I’m just concerned that Whitney’s going to come out about 4 shades lighter after that spray tan mixes with the Indian Ocean. The creepy child driver is rooting them on as they make out like a solid peeping Tom.

Whit sashays into dinner in a dazzling lime green vacation maxi dress. Whitney reminds Chris that she never got to see Arlington and Chris is like lemme paint a picture for you: there’s 4 people who live there and there’s nothing to do there at all so you have to go other places. I spend most of my time on the couch as a shut in, so would you like to live there with me? Whitney’s like hey I would never choose to live there but I want to be a wife and mom lalala. I’m going to leave my entire career behind for you, mostly because I’m guessing they don’t need any fertility clinics in Arlington, maybe they should focus on grocery stores first. And with that, Whitney has created the new feminist motto: I’ll give up everything just to marry you. Career schmareer. She’s rewarded for her good woman decisions with the fantasy suite.

Becca’s Date

Welcome to Bali, Becca—check out this small child carrying 100 lbs of vegetables on his head while you stare at him in your leather romper and stress about your virgin confession! Chris gets to see how people without tractors (or simple technology) farm, and it’s really exciting for him to watch the hard labor. They kick it with some of the toddlers who are probably on their lunch break from work and take pictures, rubbing their iPhones in these poor children’s faces. Then they see a love guru/medium/someone wearing a turban. He tells Chris that Becca is hard to control. But then also tells them to make love in order for their date to go well. Chris clearly slipped him a 20 beforehand. This will pay for his rent for three years. Becca is starting to feel temptations though because vacation sex, and they’re making out in a babbling brook.

Chris says that he can envision a life with every single one of these girls. This is when my wine buzz kicks in and I shout at my TV: YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE, CHRIS. FIGURE IT OUT! Becca word vomits a lot of stupid stuff about trying to find someone to love, and also points out how small Arlington is, like Chris DOESN’T KNOW, gawd Becca you’re SO STUPID. Becca’s real unsure of if she’s ready to commit to such a shitty town when she’s never been in love before and doesn’t know how love feels or anything. Chris replies, oh PS I think I’m falling in love with you too just like everyone else–because he can’t bear to say something to one girl and not the rest. No one left behind. Except for Kardashley, whose body can be found in the Badlands. He also gives her a fantasy suite so that he can sharesies whatever he has leftover from the last two bang sesh’s he just had. (Side note: am I the only one who things it’s a little suspicious that all these girls are AOK with him taking each one of them for a test drive in the same weekend?)

Once they’re fantasy suite-ing it up she’s like ok, TRUTH BOMB TIME. You ain’t getting any tonight! When Becca admits she’s a virg, Chris is smirking so uncomfortably and has quite literally no idea how to respond to it. “I’m glad that…uhh…I respect…um I’m surprised…and um, uh….that’s the truth.” Becca is FLOORED at how perfect his response is. WHAT WORLD AM I LIVING IN? That response was turrible.

The next morning…Chris says the night went swimmingly (as swimmingly as a night without fantasy suite porking can go) and while Becca walks along the beach, he ponders if he should lock the virgin out. Girl has no idea as she walks through the waves that Chris is quietly sobbing into the infinity pool about possibly having to cut her loose.

Chris sits down with C.Harrison to tell him he’d like to choose polygamy and move to Utah with these three boo’s. C.Harrison is like cut the shit and pick one. This week’s drinking buzz word is clarity, and boy does Chris need some in this Bali tropical fog to help him send one packing.

Rose Ceremony

The gang all gathers at a holy ground where it is vital that C. Harrison tells Chris not to rape anyone’s mouths here because that’s extremely disrespectful. I also find this orange belt on Chris pretty disrespectful but who am I to judge. Things are immediately SO hard, so he pulls Becca aside to chat. Becca knows she’s on the chopping block and she’s like I’m definitely in love with you now so don’t send me home. Becca says she’ll do whatever it takes just to stay with him. I finally have to cover my eyes to shield them from all of the female groveling that is occurring for a man who giggled when she confessed she’s a virgin.

After Chris collected his thoughts and exhaled for an exorbitant amount of time to fill the remaining ten minutes, he gives Whitney the first rose. The second rose goes to Becca and Kaitlyn has the BEST “bitch, please” look on her face.

bachelor-kaitlyn-goodbye

Kaitlyn and Chris say their goodbyes. She handles it like a champ considering he dealt with this like he did with every woman on this show, baby bitch style. He blubbers about how hard it was and how confused he is…and clarity… and she just lets him dribble out a whole lot of dumb. Girl scoops up her pride and dignity and peaces on out of Bali. Kaitlyn is the bomb.com and words cannot express how happy I am that he axed her so she can walk free and do cool shit and not end up with this DUD.

Best Quotes:

“This is a great start to the beginning of the rest of our life.” Does Kaitlyn know that everyone else also got bang suites?

“I’m thankful we didn’t get eaten by sharks today.”- Chris should probably be more thankful their child yacht driver got them safely back to shore rather than the slim chance that camera crews allowed them to swim in shark-infested waters.

“Unfortunately it’s not so cut and dry.”- C. Harrison. Whoa, this is what they pay you the big bucks for? C.Harrison is a modern day therapist coming in hot with the tough love advice. Just kidding, he’s paid to just sit there and agree that things are REALLY HARD.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Home Is Where The Wild Mustang Is (Part 2)

chrisbachelor

We pick up where we left off on Sunday night, in Iowa with a bunch of hostile women pretending to picture themselves living in the most boring town in America where they would always smell like cow shit. Chris kicks it with Becca while the girls trash talk as per usual. Chris tries to woo Becca by telling her even though this isn’t some fancy place like Italy or Belgium; it’s still SO great. Hard sell, Chris. Becca reveals that she has never been in love and also her last relationship was 4 years. I find that pretty weird, but who am I to judge…Just kidding, Becca is honest and far from fake in their open conversation and she’s probably my favorite on this show. They seal the deal with some sunset kisses and you can see Britt sneaking out from the corner to Instagram the Iowa sunset for her new account “I ❤ Iowa.”

It’s cocktail party time, but before the girls can paint their faces on (quite literally), Britt reveals that she’s so hurt over Chris not rose-ing her that she’s going to pack her shit and bid farewell at the cocktail party. Carly calls her bluff because she hates her with a fiery flame of passion and Britt’s like hey everyone CTFD, I don’t want to upset you, I love you girls FOREVA. In a shocking turn of events, there is no cocktail party and therefore no time for Jade to talk about her naked past or Britt to beg Chris to beg her to stay.

Chris starts his queer speech about making the tough decisions and Britt cuts in to ask if they can just have a real quick chat. She apologizes for putting him in an awk position when she word gommicked all over him. Chris looks like he smells an onion burp, which is pretty typical for his listening face. Then Britt turns it on him and asks what he has to say to her, AKA time to beg her to stay. He doesn’t want a wife who lies a lot, I guess, because he tells Britt to take her free hugs and kisses and give them to someone else. Britt drapes her body on the curb and scream sobs outside to remind every one what it was like to live with KardASHLEY. Carly gets all mean girl in her aside with an evil laugh and a glass full of Britt’s tears. Britt cries into the camera something along the lines of; I thought Carly was my friend even though she was constantly insulting me to my face waaaahhhhh.

byebritt

Chris comes back with a stern look to announce that he kicked Britt to the curb, literally because her sobs can still be heard from the curb in which she lies. I’m here to find forever, LADIES…is what he announces before he roses Kaitlyn, Whitney, Becca and Jade. Carly doesn’t get a rose. She’s surprised, eternally of course. Her heart is completely broken and she’s sad ALL the time so it’s good to see that she’s not taking this too hard. She also shouts, “WHATS WRONG WITH ME?” and I have to cover my eyes because this is so sad and embarrassing. Realistically, she kinda set herself up for failure when she made a hand puppet of Britt complete with lipstick.

Becca- Shreveport, Louisiana

Becca gives Chris a canoe pep talk, but still doesn’t reveal that she’s a viiiiirgin. Although after this visit it wouldn’t be out of left field for Chris to guess. Becca’s family announces ad nauseum that they’ve never seen her near a guy and how truly weird it is that she even knows how to talk to the opposite gender. Becca’s sis sits down with Chris and lays down a real impressive cock block when she tells him that Becca doesn’t like touching or kissing or any of that nonsense. If this were my sister we would have a murder on our hands for how bad she makes Becca sound to her potential husband. Mom adds on to this by telling Chris it’s shocking to see that Becca and Chris hold hands. Our only remaining virgin decides to trap Chris in a fantasy suite before telling him she’s not going to bone until marriage, and I for one can’t wait to see that go down. (No seriously, SOMETHING’S gonna go down when she breaks that news…Get it guys? A boner deflating joke. Not funny? K never mind.) Annnyyyway, at the end of their home visit, Chris surprises Becca with a trip to the State Fair and a private Ferris wheel ride, which is a pretty cute idea. I’ll give him that. They can never top Marissa and Ryan’s Ferris wheel kiss though. Don’t try to knock the champs from the top of the wheel, Chris.

Whitney- Chicago, IL

First stop in Whit’s town=her work, womp womppppp. “Let’s make a baby!” she tells Chris in her shrillest tone imaginable. He shadows her at work and they both wear scrubs and then Whit tricks Chris into J’ing it into a cup so she can test his sperm. He basically grabs the Playboy (which issue, I wonder?) and shoos her out. Not before Whitney can be like GOTCHA, LOLZ, Please don’t masturbate at my place of employment!!! HAHA. Side note: How does Whitney have a real job and also was able to leave for months of filming a TV show? Where do I also find a job like that?

They go to meet Whitney’s family after and Chris wants to ask Whitney’s sister for permission to propose. (PS Whitney’s mint necklace is on point.) Whitney’s sister, Kimberly is looking pretty judgey. She’s all, “you don’t need my approval to do what you want, you’re a grown woman.” And Whitney is upset that she’s not jumping for joy. The sassternaut sister tells Chris to his face that he can call her and ask again when he’s not dating four women at once. Point: Whitney’s Sis. In the end, Whitney wants to open a bottle of wine she was saving for her love. She gets sobby and says she’s absolutely fallen in life with him. Hearts are aflutter at the first real intense declaration of love.

Kaitlyn-Arizona/Canada?

Kaitlyn, always the fun party gal brings Chris to a recording studio first, to write a rap. Obviously Kaitlyn crushes her verses, my favorite was: “I hope that all you noticed was my knockout dress.” Chris jumps in for his verses and has absolutely NO FLOW. Andy Milonakis is a better rapper than Chris and he used to rap about mouse dicks. True story. Seriously bro are you good at anything other than growing corn?

They go to dinner with the whole fam and sit around a classy fire pit table. Kaitlyn chats with her super glam mom about how she could potentially fall in love with Chris. Right now though, she only hearts him, whereas Whitney looooves him. Mom ACTUALLY sees a twinkle in Kaitlyn’s eye, or she’s had one too many glasses of Chard, either way. Kait’s mom doesn’t even want to talk to Chris, so that’s awk that she hates him or something. At the end Kaitlyn surprises Chris with a billboard she made that says Kaitlyn ❤ Chris like she just signed his yearbook. It’s pretty lameskis.

Jade-Nebraska

Here we are. The big reveal. Chris and Jade’s dad sit down togets and her dad tells Chris she’s a real pistol and most boys can’t handle his daughter. (I’m assuming he found this out when his co-workers were taking her issue of playboy into the bathroom with them.) Her brothers talk about her aspiring modeling career and give us the line of the night when they call her a wild mustang. They also call her a free spirit. Basically Jade’s whole family is trying to warn Chris that she’s a loose goose in the nicest way possible. That perplexes him of course. The brothers basically tell Chris to not to try to tame Jade, which makes me think maaaaybe she won’t fit into his Arlington lifestyle. Dad gives Jade a tearful pep talk about following her heart but WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR THE CONFESSION…

Finally Jade and Chris return to his hotel and she reiterates that she’s such a free spirit. Is that code for a little bit slutty now? I can’t keep up with the slang these days. Anyway, there’s a long stare and finally she’s like well I guess it’s time for me to bring this up because the producers told me to…Apparently when she moved from Nebraska to LA she was feeling really liberated and didn’t say no to anything. I didn’t exaggerate that, she actually said that she wouldn’t say no. There’s a lot of talking in circles and she eventually spits it out and immediately goes I could show you some photos! As she says that she lays her hands out in front of her like she’s holding out her baby’s first photo album and not opening up the spank bank of 13-year-old boys across America. Chris is like if that will make you feel more comfortable I won’t argue checking out some nudes. But then he’s pretttyyy uncomfy looking at Jade’s snatch with her gauging his reaction. He obviously has a weird boner from it. ABC doesn’t let us see any of them, what a bunch of squares. Anyway she’s embarrassed or nervous or whatever and Chris reassures her everything’s kosh even though everyone in America can see she’s outta here.

Rose Ceremony:

Roses-Whitney, Kaitlyn, Becca

See YA nudie magazine girl! Jade’s wearing a one-sleeve dress, which pretty much makes her defeat that much worse. Chris says goodbye to her and she shivers because her left arm is exposed. He tells her, things have moved faster with the other girls and that’s all there is to it, WINK. No seriously, Chris winked. It may have been a nervous twitch but we all saw that he was sneaky telling us she got cut cause Playboy. He wipes tears from his eyes as he waves goodbye to Jade’s limo fading into the night. I can only imagine what’s going through his mind; my first guess is “This was really hard.”

Best Quotes from Dum Dum Chris:

“I make corn. I can’t imagine what it would be like to make babies.”-Chris needs to go back to 6th grade health class.

“I’m pretty confident my soulesers are marching.”-Lulzzzz a little sperm pun for the perpetually immature (Me.)

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Arlington, Iowa. Anyone? Anyone? (Part 1)

chrisbachelor

This week The Bachelor decided to inundate it’s viewers with many extra hours of blubbering dum dums. And for that reason these recaps are delayed. This is the recap for Sunday night’s episode (discluding the tell-all that in reality told nothing) and hopefully Monday night’s episode recap will be up tomorrow SO NO SPOILERS, GUYZ.

Since we now have a trend of moving the rose ceremony to the next episode, Chris comes back from the Badlands with only a few puncture wounds from KardASHLEY and Kelsey. The girls cheer his victory over them and he severely downplays how sob city KardASHLEY was. Then Megan takes Chris aside before rose time and blubbers out many sentences that aren’t coherent. Basically she wants to know why she’s not a frontrunner and Chris says hey this is really hard, and she says ok thank youuu, bye. Chris REALLY lays it on thick and goes back to talk to the other girls about JUST how painful that was for him. Then says it 10 more times for good measure. ADD PAINFUL TO THE DRINKING GAME, THANKS CHRIS. He takes C.Harrison aside to tell him that this is just too painful to do and he would like to marry all of these women if that’s cool. Instead everyone gets to go to Iowa and no one gets sent home (except Helmet Megan), so HA HA the joke’s on all of you because you’re actually being punished either way.

Jade Visits Arlington

Chris talks to the cows and asks them if there’s a chance he convinces any of these betches to move to a farm. The cows ask why Chris hasn’t done pushups on haystacks yet. Good point, cows. Jade’s on her way into Arlington and she’s from a small town, so she knows how boring they are. She also did a girl next door spread in Playboy, so she knows what farm girls wear: nothing, duh. Chris shows Jade all of the vacant buildings and tumbleweeds of downtown Arlington. There are 0.0 bars in the entire city. I repeat, THERE ARE NO BARS IN ARLINGTON. I respect Jade for not kicking rocks right then. Jade tells the camera that she genuinely feels bad Chris even lives there, which I’m sure is comforting to him. At night they hit up the high school football game cause WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO? Jade meets the parents and they think she’s a lovely princess and not a softcore porn star. Then Chris & Jade sneak into his English classroom and it’s SO REBELLIOUS that the camera crew got permission to film there. Jade talks about how she’s a good girl and she works hard for everything and definitely didn’t show off her T&A to the general public or anything. They kiss in the middle of the football field to the sound of about ten screaming fans. The final moment is a Breakfast Club freeze frame of Chris and his gal and it’s just so poetic that I almost forget Jade is hiding Playboys underneath her bed from him.

Back at the house, Jade tells everyone about their football field kiss and Britt starts crying and makes it all about herself. Carly really amps up her weird cartoon voices and also decides to bring the leftovers (Becca, Britt and Kaitlyn) on a road trip to Arlington without Chris. They don’t understand that cow manure smells like farts, but they learn pretty quickly. Kaitlyn is dressed for a small town visit in a crop top, of course. They ask the pastor where he goes to drink and stuff. Good work, girls. He informs them that any human life is usually about an hour outside of the “city”. Britt was like hey this place blows I cannot ever live here, but then an Instagram-worthy sunset completely changed her mind cause she’d probably get lots of likes if she grammed the landscape out there every day. Carly continues to hate every single thing about Britt.

Let’s Look for Love in Des Moines-Whitney

Whitney and Chris go to an art museum with pictures of love because Des Moines is known for its art and culture. Also they’re going to document their love as well!! They take a lot of kissing selfies and also force other people to take pictures of them sucking face. Whitney wants to show these slobber fest photos to her kids one day. Hey Whit, I’m guessing your kids aren’t gonna wanna see their parents play tonsil hockey all over Des Moines. Chris’s BFFS show up to dinner with Whitney and apparently Chris hangs out with three avid Dr. Phil fans. They get super serious and ask some real hard-hitting questions about her feelings and if she’ll subject herself to living in this stinktown. The BFF’s stamp her with approval and leave. Whitney wants to tell Chris before he visits her home that her mom passed away and she doesn’t have a relationship with her dad. The way that she tells this story is 90000x more genuine than the sordid tale of Sanderson Poe. She’s like real talk: I’m an orphan but I don’t want your sympathy. And the best part about it is I believe her, because she’s not turning it into a four act play. In the end, Chris surprised Whitney with one of their pictures as a mural on the side of the building. It’s cute and then Chris’s laugh overflows my ears and Whitney’s already piercing voice gets even higher than normal. The cute moment was pretty fleeting. When she asks if that’s going to be there forever they show it again and it looks like a poster that’s been taped up, so maybe it’s not a forever mural.

whitmural

Things get real dramats back at the hotel or wherever the hell they put these girls in Iowa when Jade reveals to Carly because they’re “so close” that she did nude “modeling” for Playboy. Fun fact: Jade’s dad found out from his co-workers and IS HE STILL ALIVE?! Cause I’m gonna guess if my dad’s co-workers were passing around pics of my vag at work things would get REAL suicidal.

“Icey our future together” with Britt, Carly & Kaitlyn

The girls get the date card and try to guess if they’ll be Ice skating. They think really hard about the clue. Britt puts on a real show about how she’s terrible at it. Carly continues to charge the hate train full steam ahead and calls her out for saying she’s bad at EVERYTHING and being a big fake fakerson. Then Carly has a REAL weird period of time where she puts lipstick on her hand and pretends her hand is Britt. I wish I was making this up. The date is at an indoor rink and they play a quick game of pickup hockey and Chris skates just about as poorly as he sings. Britt wraps her legs around him when she greets him and NEEDS confirmation that he’s obsessed with her. She obviously tells him that Arlington is perfect and she can’t see herself waking up with lipstick on anywhere else. Carly promptly narc’s on Britt being a liar who tells lies BECAUSE SHE CARES about Chris’s feelings, guys.

Later they have drinks and sit down one on one…again. Britt just wants Chris to WANT to come to her hometown and eat chicken nuggets off of paper plates. She reiterates that all she wants is to be a mom, no matter what shitty town she’s forced to live in. Kaitlyn is concerned that everyone else is getting more time for connections than her but she’s genuine about it and doesn’t hop all over Chris’s dick like Britt does. She gets the rose. They kiss. (Does Chris wipe off Britt’s lipstick between takes? Can the girls taste each other via Chris’s mouth? I still have so many questions about his BTB makeouts every single date.) Anyway, Britt clearly doesn’t take this rose action well and has a breakdown in front of everyone. She word vomits all her feels and it’s real cringeworthy. Chris handles it about as well as he handles any confrontational sitch, by saying this was a tough decision and he PEACES. The three of them wah-wah about how they’re not getting enough validation and pretending they don’t hate each other’s guts. We have another cliff hanger rose ceremony so we will soon find out (you all probably already know) if Britt will be showing him around the restaurant she works at or if Jade will be opening the sticky pages of her Playboy for a little popcorn reading. Stay Tuned for Part 2.

Best Quotes:

“So much corn. Dirt road. Wild grass.”-Jade describing Iowa and if I close my eyes I can really see it. She painted a picture with her descriptive words here.

“Land is one of my passions. I like owning it and working it.”-Chris sharing how the earth turns him on.

“Hey mom, don’t Google my wife.”-Carly predicting what Chris will have to say should he choose the “nude model”.

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