Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette-Contestants Past Run Out of ABC Paychecks

kait

“There’s nothing but anger and loneliness and a whole bunch of dudes at the hotel.”

Since this is the MOST dramatic season EVER, we fire up this week rehashing the clint hanger from last week. Clint continues to be a dirty scoundrel who uses the word “very” no less than 100 times. Kaitlyn is very, very, very, very sorry but ya DUN, Clint. He returns to the crew to say goodbye and try to sniff out the narc, instead JJ demands IN FRONT OF EVERYONE that Clint apologize for taking away everyone’s time. There’s an audible gasp in the room and Clint forces JJ to shake his hand and say goodbye, giving the whole exchange a very (very, very) dad hit mom at the dinner table and let’s just keep eating and pretend it didn’t happen feel to it. JJ immediately regrets acting like a dick and tries to give Clint a quick kiss before he goes and Clint is like hey F-U I TOLD YOU ALL MY SECRETS! Clint gets into the Dodge caravan of shame and nearly rips the sliding door off while JJ quietly sobs in the dark. It’s almost as if these two are treating this like a Hollywood audition or something. Either way, the bromance is dead and so is the premise of a rose ceremony apparently. Kaitlyn pulls a Prince Farming and is like now that we got rid of Tony, I feel comfortable trying to bang all of these guys so let’s just axe the roses thing tonight, C. Harrison. The remaining stragglers begin their journey to NYC and Justin beings his journey to winning worst hair on the show. YIKES.

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Group Date “Let’s Keep Our Love Fresh”- JJ, Shawn, Jonathan, Ryan, Tanner, BenZ, Justin

In this week’s “FAMOUS” guest star that I literally could not pick out of a crowd, heeeeere’s Doug E. Fresh! He raps a little bit to show the guys what a pro can do and the bros all get a chance to showcase their rapper arms. All but one…My country lover Shawn keeps his hands stiffly at his sides because this ain’t no hoedown. It’s kewl Shawn, I like country too. CALL ME. Anyway, Shawn ends up winning the rap battle (in my mind) not because of his rapping skills (he had less than none) but because he flashed the goods (his abs, you pervs) and made everyone forget we were cringing through the worst flowz eva.

THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 1104" - After a bombshell beginning to her night, Kaitlyn is happy with the men she now will take with her to New York City. Eight fortunate men join the Bachelorette at Stage Forty 8 where they meet rap legend Doug E. Fresh. The hip-hop icon tells the guys that they will be writing and performing their own raps in a rap battle contest to win Kaitlyn's heart in front of a packed audience. With Doug E. Fresh's help, they try their best to simultaneously insult one another and impress the Bachelorette. One man, who is in the doghouse, takes things a bit too far, resulting in the crowd booing him, on "The Bachelorette," MONDAY, JUNE 8 (9:00-11:00 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Heidi Gutman) SHAWN B., KAITLYN BRISTOWE, JUSTIN, DOUG E. FRESH

Justin and his flouncy side bangs win for best rap diss with “Remind me how the notebook end, that’s right she forgot you.” OHH BURRNNN, YOU LOOK LIKE RYAN GOSLING, THE HOTTEST ACTOR IN AMERICA, SHAWN. Suck on THAT. Corey tucks his shirt into his undies and wears a beanie in attempts to not look like he’s a single middle-aged dad of 5 kids who kept him up all night. JJ calls NYC girls “hoes” and they boo him because he’s a dick. Deeze hoes ain’t loyal.

In our first Prince Farming season flashback of the night, KardAshley is at the rap battle probably in town to get a job as a sales clerk at DASH. However, the real drama llama is that baby bitch Nick from Andi’s season is there and cat’s outta the bag, Nick & Kaitlyn have been chatting on AIM for the past few months but have never actually met face to face. OK Kaitlyn, if online boyfriends count I had a very fruitful dating life in 7th grade. Anyway, NickyV123 complimented her on the interweb and suddenly they were texting. Sounds promising. He came to NYC to see what they had before it was too late to force his way back onto reality TV. Kaitlyn giggles a lot and is like OMGEEE should I add another guy into my weekly rotation of seven minutes in heaven?

Cocktail party on a BOAT

The men gather unaware that they’re about to get big-timed by a wittle baby bitch. Kaitlyn’s all no disrespect but I’m gonna bring another guy on board (get it? Boat punz. LOL) to date and also he may or may not have tried to slut shame his almost-fiance on live national television. LETZ DO THIS. Thankfully for all of us, the guys don’t even pretend to not know who he is. Shawn is like oh Nick Viall from Andi’s season? I’ll have another. ANOTHER. Screen Shot 2015-06-08 at 10.38.23 PM Then Tanner chimes in to give the TV Guide cliff notes of Nick’s existence. Tanner is like no homo guys, but I watched Nick cry on TV and he kisses and tells so we all must murder him. Tanner fiercely becomes captain of Team Bachelor Bitchfest and suddenly I know who Tanner is. Well played. Kaitlyn takes this moment to leave the boat and make out with Nick on the dock because she DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO and WHY does this have to be so HARD. She comes back and wipes her lips off like nobody will notice her face is covered in Nick’s saliva. Justin doesn’t see this through his droopy side bang and gives a queertastic speech about how Kaitlyn should follow her heart. Since he’s the only one who sounds supportive, he gets rewarded with the rose.

Blissfully unaware, the boys back at the hotel get a date card for Jared’s one on one and when I found out he won the date I actually shouted NOooooooOO at the TV….which got a little weird because I was watching by myself. Jared grins like a creep and then announces that it’s time for him to go to bed AKA it’s time for him to get intimate with himself thinking about his date tomorrow. While he’s dreaming of Kaitlyn running her fingers through his greasy hair, Kaitlyn is dreaming of running her fingers through Nick’s fuzzy baby duck hair that sticks out in tufts an uncomfortable amount.

The guys spend the majority of this episode sitting on the couch and gossiping about Nick like bitches at a slumber party, calling him desperate and sad and starting rumors that he probably cries after sex. Kaitlyn wakes up still SO TORN and we get the BEST moment of the episode, possibly the season, possibly the series of The Bachelorette. She dials up Nick and as a recording of their convo about how they slept fills our ears with nonsense, my eyes are riveted by an ominous snowy montage of NYC and music that gives me the feeling these two are actually plotting a murder on the phone and not just talking about if they should date or not. By the end of this scene I had been convinced Nick was going to blow up Times Square so BRAVO, producers!!

As if they were just foreshadowing that something bad was going to happen…ONION POMEGRANATE IS BACK! Ya girl OP is here to “style” Kaitlyn’s hair and have a little girl talk. Kaitlyn blabs her dilemma and OP gives sound advice that you need a best friend first and not just lust. Whoa. Girl, where you been hiding? It’s almost as if she’s a regular person who played it up for the cameras? Weird.That would’ve been rare.

Kaitlyn meets up with Nick after her hair appt where she apparently had OP curl each strand just to throw it into a messy braid that I do when my hair is dirty. Hope she didn’t pay for that. OP should probably stick to giving tours of the Mesa Verde. The verdict is that Nick gets to stay so they can bite each other’s lips some more and he can showcase his collection of Mr. Rogers cardigans. Can we send Nick to OP for a haircut though? Seriously.

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Jared The Wiener’s One on One-“Let’s Re-imagine the Night We First Met”

The Met is reserved for a fancy date with Jared, who has a slicked side part and I want to punch it right off of his stupid, punchable head. Jared has diarrhea of the mouth and should definitely be put down humanely while Kaitlyn stares off into space and wishes she could take another chomp out of Nick’s lips. Jared wrote a poem for Kaitlyn because OF COURSE HE DID. After reading aloud, Kaitlyn says “Game Over” and I can only assume she means game over for ever sleeping with Jared because a whiny kid reading a poem to you is the biggest turn off ever, right? Guess not. He gets a rose. Blech. The date continues on a helicopter and we have to listen to Jared word vomzies about how he fell in love with Kaitlyn in the air whilst gazing at the Statue of Liberty.

Group Date “Let’s Play”-Joe, Joshua, Ben H, Ian, Cupcake

Here’s a date that Kaitlyn probably came up with to weed out the possible gays. Unfortunately she chose one instead, which leaves me a little perplexed. Anyway, the boys audition on Broadway to be street rats and the guy with the best performance gets to be a part of Aladdin that night and everyone else has to kick rocks. Watching these guys sing and dance onstage was juuuust about as painful as watching a bunch of white country boys speak poorly written rap lyrics. Cupcake puffs his chest out and flails his arms around, winning the competition and the hearts of many men across America. He tells us this is the most excited he’s ever been, I’m assuming because he can finally jumpstart that theater career he’s always dreamed of.

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Backstage in his open vest and balloon pants, Chris tells Kaitlyn they should stand in silence and appreciate the moment and by that he means dive his turban’ed head at hers and immediately mack on her. Smooth moves, poor man’s Aladdin. Their role in the show consists of standing onstage with flowers for a total of one minute and Cupcake tells Kaitlyn after that he’s in AWE of how good she did. They stroll around NYC and as Kaitlyn passes by a street performer banging on a trashcan she admits this is why she loves New York…because there’s talent everywhere. Kait, I love you girl, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say. Please feel free to visit Saratoga Springs and find the guy with dreads who sits in an alley (prime echo territory), swatting at buckets all day and night like a child left out to play with the pots and pans. You’ll change your tune real quick and also possibly want to box your own ears. Anyway, Cupcake gets a rose because he’s a cupcake theater fairy.

The weekly cliff hanger comes in the form of Nick arriving at the house with his puffy hair and awkward lisp. His opening line is “Sup, Guys.” I predict that Nick will be murdered by a room of sexually frustrated men within minutes of uttering this greeting.

While the credits roll, we get an update on Britt & Brady, still clinging onto that 5 seconds of fame each week. They’re officially dating and also HOMEBOY WORE COMBAT BOOTS TO THE BEACH.  

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