Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Return of the Britt

kaitlyn

Since The Bachelorette feels bad for all that chirping they took for pitting two women against each other and letting the men choose their trophy wife from the case, they soften the blow by intertwining Britt into this episode and giving her a quick love connection. Britt sobs to her mom about having to come home before she even unpacked her bags and knock, knock, it’s Brady Interruptus choosing this point in time to be like hey girl, I missed you since last night and let’s fall in love during the two hour block of tonight’s episode so Chris Harrison can feel better about kicking you off so abruptly.

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“Will Britt and Brady fall in love?” Answer: They’ve hung out for a week and are now going steady.

Group Date: “I See This Ending With A Ring.”

Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben(s)

Laila Ali is going to teach these turds how to box. Daniel looks genuinely scared just when Laila starts speaking so I already looked forward to him shitting his pants when it came to actual blows. Kupah is like I’ll count this as a free boxing lesson and try to ride out this TV career without ever speaking to Kaitlyn…but more on that later. The boyz face off in front of a paid crowd and Ben Z. who not only is a hottie but has muscles for days too squares off with Jared who is literally half his size and then everyone acts quite shocked when Ben Z. tries to murder Jared. The little runt has to go to the hospital but he’d rather just skip that nonsense and hang with Kaitlyn instead.

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Later, Ben Z says he feels bad about trying to knock Jared’s head off with the same amount of fake remorse I use to say I feel bad about eating that ice cream. And here’s something…he tells Kaitlyn how he lost his mom when he was 13. (No really-that’s the segue he uses from talking about BBQ to his dead mom.) Justin has a son named Aurealis (sp?) and I’m gonna need anyone who names their child THAT off the show immediately. While talking to Daniel about his furniture line for his fellow gays, Kaitlyn is slipped a note and jets outta there to see Jared outside, on the lam from the hospital. He demands a smooch for the cold cock he took from Ben Z. It’s the ole Bachelorette barter system, a sloppy makeout in exchange for a minor concussion. In the end, Ben Z. gets the rose and a tongue-ing. Back at the boy scouts ranch, Tony, the only one in the house sporting a fresh black eye, gives a passionate speech about how competition should never result in fisticuffs.

One on One Date- “You Take My Breath Away” Clint

This date is an underwater photoshoot, cause it’s like all the rage for engagement photos and definitely not creepy or corpse-like. They get ready for the photoshoot by breathing deeply and touching each other because apparently this is how one prepares to model in a heated pool.

In addition to looking like their eyes are rolling back in their head whilst drowning, Clint and Kaitlyn have an underwater makeout sesh, which seems quite complicated. They try again above water obviously. No but seriously all the awards to Kaitlyn for looking remotely sexy underwater, my friends and I tried to do a photoshoot in my pool once and it was disastrous. I’m not even being dramats…here was my best take:

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Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s chlorine in her eyes? I guess you win this round, Kaitlyn. After they make out some more on the roof during dinner, Kaitlyn reveals that Clint brings out her romantic side and therefore he gets a rose.

Group Date: I’m Looking for a Man Who Will Stand Up For Me

JJ, Jonathan, Chris (“Cupcake”), Ian, Joe, Tony, Joshua

Amy Schumer comes in to spice things up, teach the guys improv and drool all over Kaitlyn. Surprisingly, most of the guys do well with their pre-written jokes. JJ acts like a real dick and basically says he’s above everyone else and also that he’s a 30 year old single dad living with his parents. Keep doing you, JJ. Tony gets sauced, has a hard case of the stutters and uses his stage time to pontificate about the universe or something. Everyone in the crowd gets the uncomfy laughs and Tony has no radar for when people are laughing at him, not with him. Cupcake Chris relies on those abs of his to seal the deal when he unbuttons his minty toothpaste shirt.

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Later on, Joshua talks about his dogs farting and every time Tony opens his mouth, straight gibberish dribbles out. It was exhausting trying to keep up with his stream of consciousness while also not looking directly into his nightmare bug eyes. I can honestly say I understood Onion Pomegranate better than this goon. They must be eating from the same onion tree near the mansion. Kaitlyn and douchenozzle JJ talk about his daughter some more and Kaitlyn essentially needs a cleanup in aisle underwear every time he even mentions his kid. This turn on that he’s a dad is starting to get real weird. They explore each other’s mouths. Joe takes Kaitlyn outside to eat her face against a brick wall then ruins his aggressive move by saying “Well I’ll be” like a grandpa discovering internet for the first time. Desert sandstorm underwear. JJ gets the rose because Kaitlyn has a dad fetish (that clearly doesn’t apply to dads of kids named after constellations.)

Cocktail Party:

The boys have a Gentlemen’s Agreement (huzzah!) to let the ones who didn’t get dates have some alone time with Kaitlyn and JJ says no way Jose’s and steers Kaitlyn right outta the room. Dick move, bruh. Ian talks about how he casually almost died after college and re-learned how to be a human so he gets a kiss. It’s the bachelor(ette) way to spew your sob story right quick if you think you’re on the chopping block, duhs. JJ tells a room full of testosterone steaming about his power move, “sorry I’m not sorry” like he’s a basic betch justifying having too much jungle juice at the luau themed sorority rush party. Tony is the most angry about it…he could just kill JJ with his bare…kindess.

Out of contestants we forgot existed, Kupah tries to pull the MINORITY CARD to justify why he’s still there when he LITERALLY voted for Britt and has made a point not to talk to Kaitlyn at all. Get out of here Kupah. He sits down with Kaitlyn to accuse her of keeping him around just because he’s black. Kaitlyn tells him he has made 0 effort and now the connection she once felt is gone. He returns to the crew to word vomit his anger and Kaitlyn hears everything from where she’s sitting directly next to him. She stomps on over and cuts off his yapping to take him away and tell him he needs to leave. He acts like an asshole, takes a swig of his whiskey and handcuffs himself to the door refusing to leave. JK but he does throw a baby tantrum and insist he’s not leaving because he thinks Kaitlyn is really sexy and he still would like to have relations with her. Kaitlyn is like no thank you, bye Felicia. Obviously he moves his tantrum right outside to the producers and when Kaitlyn overhears him yelling again she marches right out to handle things because she’s a bo$$. To Be Continued hopefully with a swift knee to Kupah’s groin. Smell ya later, Kupz.

Best Quotes

“Surprise, surprise.” -Tony as he sneaks into Kaitlyn’s bedroom at night and wakes her up with his crazy eyes, presumably to smother her to death with plants.

“JJ’s a sweetheart, he’s just missing charisma, and humility and a sense of humor…Maybe when he sees the show he’ll reflect on himself and not be such a turd.”-Amy Schumer telling it like it is.

“Right now I feel smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of I just talked to the girl and you didn’t.”-JJ…at least he wraps it up?

“When we first met it was weird but when we hit third year, boy it was amazing.”-The love story Kupah tries to convince Kaitlyn they’ll tell their grandkids. I’m guessing he’ll leave out the part about throwing a tantrum and trying to force this love story into existence.

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