JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/25/15

1. 90’s Reunions are all the rage. The hussies of Cruel Intentions did a little girls night out to see the musical version of said movie and Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair got reacquainted with each other’s mouths. In more PG reunions, sitcom pals Jodie Sweetin, Christine Lakin and Beverly Mitchell (Stephanie Tanner, Al Lambert & Lucy Camden) had brunch and didn’t make out with each other. Oh, 90’s nostalgia. Gets me every time. Side note: We can all agree that Cruel Intentions is one of those movies that if it’s on TV we stop everything to watch, right? Just so disturbingly good.

2. Jason Derulo has a new album full of bangers on bangerz. I put one of his new hits on last week’s JUice but then he threw us for a loop this week by putting his full album out for preview and I haven’t stopped playing it on repeat. Whatever J creates turns to gold. Guy hasn’t made one single song I hate in the past like 3 years. Do your ears a favor and give Everything is 4 a listen.

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3. CMT Music Awards to be hosted by Erin Andrews & Brittany Snow.

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 18:  Singer Nicki Minaj attends the 2014 Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 18, 2014 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

What? Pick two more random people to host an awards show for country music. This will most certainly be a trainwreck. Tune in June 10th at 8P to see it all transpire, because you KNOW I will and it will be blogged.

4. I can eat more pizza than Beyonce. Queen B is hammin it up in Florence, dabbling in some pizza and gelato and when she posted this picture of half a pizza, my face immediately broke into a shit-eating grin. I’m finally better than Beyonce at something.

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Not only did I crush a whole pizza in Florence, I did it on the REG. I may not be a superstar billionaire queen, but I can PUT AWAY A PIZZA. Respect THAT. Bow down bitches. #CleanPlateClub PS: Did Bey get a heart-shaped pizza? Answer: NO.

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5. Prince Farming and his Milkmaid are headed to Splitsville instead of Podunk, IA. 

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This is last on the list for obvious reasons. A mere months after Chris dum dum Soules picked Whitney because she was the only one who agreed to move to Iowa, they’re dunzo. Color me shocked. Although now that the show is over, can we cut the shit with Chris being a “full time farmer” in Arlington? Bro just did The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars B2B. Something tells me he’s not flying back to Iowa every night to tend to his cows. The schtick is up. He lives in LA and he’s about to become a career reality TV star. Put it in the books.

BONUS for getting through this short week: Zac Efron and his biceps went hiking in Hawaii this past Memorial Day. Lick.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Reunion Part 2

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Do you hear what I hear? The chorus of Shut the F Up’s and F You’s all at a screeching decibel! Are we observing the bathroom line at a seedy club? Nope, just week two of the Housewives reunion. I’m gonna be up front with you guys, because that’s what I do best…this shit is getting exhauuuuusting to watch. Fortunately, Rinna knew that and provided some much needed hands in the air dance moves this week to keep me sane.

Speaking of Emmy’s let’s talk about Eileen and why she felt it was necessary to point out how normal and great her life is every time there wasn’t an opportunity to. We kick things off with an obnoxious montage of Eileen talking about her Emmy, and like soap operas and stuff. Andy tongue in cheek points out how different it must’ve been to do Housewives, har-har. Throughout the rest of this installment, Eileen tells us that her husband assures her she’s not a home wrecker, she’s a homemaker, cause she has a GREAT family and she’s BFF’s with his ex-wife. Her sons have been doing their own laundry and DISHES since they were 13. When Rinna is asked about her humble upbringing, Eileen is quick to jump in, twirl her hair and say well, Andy, I also had a humble upbringing. No one really cared so she then shouted, I drive…I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS. (Fans of Best of Will Ferrell SNL will get that one) JK she drives a Ford Flex, but she mind’s well have told the ladies that she drives a windowless rape van by the way they reacted to this, especially Lisa who owns 3 Bentley’s just to look at. Moral of the story is that Eileen has an Emmy and you bitches don’t.

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There’s more Brandi vs. Eileen and the rehashing of the wine toss…yawn. Brandi is still just hurling insults with no legs to stand on, Eileen drops to her level for a second and throws an F-U her way and seriously do Emmy-winning actresses talk like that? I hope Vincent washed her mouth out with homemade soap later (get it…cause like she’s a homemaker, not home wrecker.)

This fight escalates into including everyone, as it is known to do and suddenly switches to a Brandi vs. Rinna battle. Apparently Rinna jokingly said Brandi dressed like a trashy mom (valid) and Brandi fires back with a dig about Rinna having the same hairstyle for 20 years (also valid). The best part about this whole exchange is that Andy loses his I’m going to pretend to take these stupid problems seriously for one more hour facade and bursts out laughing. All it takes is a well placed hair joke to get Andy to crack. I don’t hate it. I also don’t hate Rinna launching off the couch wiggling those bony hips of hers, throwing her fists in the air and yelling to Brandi that she’s the biggest F’ing double standard she’s ever seen in her life and then flipping the double bird. She also sets the record for most times someone can use the word baby in a condescending way and owns up to never changing that feathered mom hairstyle of hers. She’s proud of it, baby. Rinna wins the reunion.

The outright L7 Weenie’s of the reunion are Brandi and Kim who spitfire a bunch of lies and then promptly are proven wrong by that ole thing called evidence in the form of YOU WERE ON A TV SHOW AND WE FILMED EVERYTHING YOU SAID. Kim recants her tale of Poker Night and it’s basically all completely wrong, she also says she took the pill because she had bronchitis/pneumonia for 6-8 weeks. Ummmm, methinks if you’re sick for almost 2 months it’s probably time to see a doc. And this is coming from someone who avoids doctors…Anyway, Kim thought they were offering her pizza on poker night to trap her to acting like a slob kebab in front of the cameras, everyone hurls F bombs at each other, Kim tells Rinna to go eat and Rinna demands to know what the dirt is on her husband. She once again asks if he banged the dog–time to find your chill on that, Rinna. Kim said she would never slander anyone, but she heard something in the rumor mill about Harry so it’s like obviously true. Andy forces Kim to apologize to Eileen for calling her a beast otherwise she won’t get any ice cream after dinner. She throws a sorry Eileen’s way and Andy is pleased until she firmly declares she will never apologize to Rinna. Kids these days.

Rounding out this week’s hot mess of shouting, Kim and Kyle start in on their 500 years of issues (to be continued next week), Kim compares Kyle to Kathy once again…to which Rinna interrupts, “is Kathy God?” HOW DARE YOU QUESTION GOD’S EXISTENCE IN KATHY HILTON, RINNA. And apparently Kim disinvited Kyle to her daughter’s wedding, Kyle starts the waterworks talking about how much she loves her nieces and then completely UNPROVOKED shouts “YOU’RE SO F-ING MEAN, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.” Thank you, Kyle, thank you for being you.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Reunion Pt. 1

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We’ve gathered everyone in a room without alcohol, but then we added in a saaasssssyyy Andy Cohen, so it pretty much equals out again as a recipe for disaster. Let’s begin part 1 of 3 whole hours of rehashing fights we’ve seen 19 episodes of this season, shall we? I’m just going to go ahead and break it down by feud to keep things succinct if you don’t mind.

Kyle vs. Kim

This battle reignites when Andy asks if Brandi and Kim are still in touch and Kim replies YES and Kyle replies with a MEAN side eye. It suddenly comes tumbling out that Kim and Kyle have not resolved their differences and also casj haven’t spoken in three months. “We have a few things to work on,” Kim tells everyone in America as if she’s breezily saying she loves turtles, YEAH WE GOT THAT, KIM. Kim’s like REALLY happy not talking to Kyle though and Andy gives her the best WTF face I think I’ve ever seen. Kyle says when they do finally speak she only wants to have honest conversations. There’s obviously a lot going on here that will probably come to a head in part two or three when we address Kim’s dog going apeshit on Kyle’s child. My only concern was WHERE WAS KATHY when this happened? I’m guessing she wasn’t present because if she was, it wouldn’t have gone down.

Yolanda vs. Lyme Disease

My main squeeze Yo-Yo has relapsed with the Lyme again and she’s clearly struggling, she gets emosh talking about it and then talks about her South Korean treatments and taking it day by day and says she won’t be able to stay very long because her brain is very jumbled at the moment. I’m not actually making fun of any of this because she’s clearly not doing so hot and also she’s a classy broad full of wisdom and not Chardonnay. Plus she managed to get out of the rest of the reunion, and that act in itself deserves a bow.

A holy montage of Yo playing peace maker all season long is then shown. She says she lives life with an open heart and no judgments… and great clothes, obviously. When everyone wants to know why she keeps defending Brandi, Yo gives us a nice little nugget when she says, “I think it’s easy for all of us to just kick her to the curb like a bag of trash.” TRUTH. But she still stands by her and says she needs love and support. Kim jumps in to tell everyone that she forgave Brandi, so it’s possible. Thanks, Kim, pls return to your coma now. The convo spins back around to Bella’s DUI because when you’re on a TV show and you get a DUI, people don’t forget, Bellz. A viewer calls Yo out for punishing her by setting her up in a deluxe apt in NYC and Yo responds, “I don’t think her carrying her furniture on her back is going to teach her not to drink and drive.” PREACH. Finally Yo wants to retire to bed because she’s taken enough shrill yelling for the rest of her life, and she sums up this season in a way that I would never ever ever in a million years think but Yo is Queen and so she gets away with it. She says everyone meshed together and the dream team lives on…“Life is very lonely, we all need a team, we all need to look out for each other.” And with that, she retired to her California King to slip on a white lace nightgown and dream of peacefully living in a windmill with her cute but forgotten former lover.

Rinna vs. Kim (The Battle of the Thirsty Has-Beens)

Rinna is asked by a viewer how much she made for the Depends ad because she had previously claimed it was the most she’s ever made on any appearance. She wouldn’t disclose but said it was more than 6 figures. This seems like a good time for Kim to come to, stand up and exaggerate a Depends dance to make fun of Rinna then declare that she does NOT do anything for a buck and has a little more pride than Rinna. And God Bless Andy, whose quick to point out that Kim did Diving with the Stars. This is why we keep Andy around, Kim immediately clamps her babbling mouth shut. Rinna chimes in that she actually did turn down Diving with the Stars. Point: Rinna. There’s some nonsense about Rinna being anorexic, apparently she lost 6 lbs or something from stress and Brandi says she’s never seen her eat but would NEVER call her anorexic from that, trying to make an argument that the ladies shouldn’t call her an alcoholic just because she drinks around them. This would be Point: Brandi except that Rinna says Brandi actually called her an anorexic old hag in a text. Sooo that pretty much dissolves your argument, Brandi ya big bitch.

Brandi vs. The World

Speaking of drinking, let’s touch upon when everyone rehashed that Brandi is a mean, sloppy drunk and she defended herself by saying that she only drinks when she’s around them, to tolerate them of course. Eileen is like hey home girl, doesn’t matter why you drink but every time I’m around you, you have the slursies and the meansies. Brandi claims it depends on the company and if she’s happily drunk she’ll give out lap dances. I’m kind of glad we never got to see that on the show, because watching Kyle do splits every time she gets drunk is just about enough for me to see ever.

 

Finally…Lisa vs. Brandi

What starts out as the continuance of THE SLAP (eeeeeeenoughhhhhh) spirals into Brandi claiming that Kyle spread stories about Lisa banging her trainer and being poor or something. Brandi and Kyle then spent about 5 minutes screaming at each other and dropping F bombs. It was pretty pleasant. ALMOST as pleasant as hearing the deets of Brandi’s penetration station with AmsterBABY. Lisa’s choking back vomit as she tells us she’s known this kid since he was 7 and she’d prefer not to know about his cougar trysts. The only comic relief in this stupid fight is Brandi and Andy bonding over the fact that they’ve both banged 23 year olds. Three cheers for the loose gooses! Anyway, there’s more analysis of the SLAP, everyone weighs in on it like this is a trial and they’re the jury deciding if it’s ok to drink and slap, FTR, it’s a unanimous NO and Andy tries to defend his fellow cougar Brandi by comparing the slap to playing with your dog and your dog bites you. (Kind of a touchy subject, Andy, no?) B does NOT like this comparison. She loses her chill, says a big F U to Andy and says she’s done taking shit from everyone. Clearly all the ladies need to be hooked up to their mid-afternoon wine IV or take their scheduled Valium or whatevs, cause bitches be gettin cranky. In conclusion, Brandi thinks Lisa is beating the slap to death, clearly doesn’t know what this whole season has been like for all of us, cause the slap has been beaten, buried, and its ashes have been dug up to beat again. Lisa says she didn’t make a big deal about it. Ok, Lisa. The future of these ladies is to never ever speak again and also maybe blackmail each other because Hood Brandi comes out to play and tells Lisa to watch her back. If I were Lisa I’d amp up my security and maybe keep Hanky and Panky indoors for a little while.

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