JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/19/20

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I took a couple weeks off from JUicing because the celeb gossip wasn’t as strong and even though it may SEEM like I sling trash for views, I try not to write blogs just to write them. Gotta have something to rant about, yanno?! That being said, there’s still slim pickins for this week and we’re about to get real creative with what counts as Celeb News. Buckle yo’ seatbelts!

1. Political Positions

Ariana dropped this track and music video last night as the first preview of her new album. I’d say 80% of the reason that I’ve taken a little snoozer from the JUice is that celebs can’t do one single thing without turning it political now and sucking Biden’s D, and the remaining 20% is that the news cycle has been dry anyway. So on the precipice of doing this week’s blog, I saw Ariana had a new song and video and I was excited to have something to yap about slash maybe make fun of. And then she lays this shit on me. OF COUUUUUUURRRSEEEEEE she takes a song about being good in bed and good in the kitchen and turns it into her being the G-D President of the United States. Get the HELL out of my face with this. Yeah female empowerment, rah rah, women can be president, celebrities know politics WHATEVER. Guess who’s not in the presidential race this election year? A female. (I get that Kamala is a female but she’s running for VP not P.) So take your positions and shove them up your oven, Ariana. I JUST WANT ONE SINGLE THING TO ENJOY THAT IS NOT SATURATED IN POLITICS. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! Music, movies and television used to be entertainment to ESCAPE from the fiery dumpster that is the real world back in the day. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?! I want to be able to immerse myself in a guilty pleasure love song about meeting your man’s mom on a Sunday and then making a lotta love on a Monday and NOT ONE TIME THINK ABOUT THE 2020 ELECTION. 

2. Cartoon Shoes.

Speaking of the election…(eyes roll out of my head and down the block), as I was scrolling through the never-ending “register to vote”, “I voted” and “if we get this many votes we’ll bring back this D list TV show that you probably forgot about” landmine that is social media these days, I saw this photo of my number one girl crush and her tasty hunk of a husband. They’re doing their civic duty blah blah blah, but I paused just to appreciate their outrageous good looks, sexual caption innuendo and then move on with my day. (Blake’s outfit was on point of course. Made me consider digging up my Gaucho pants from 2003.) I didn’t really give the picture a second thought. That is, until I scrolled further and saw that Ryan posted the same photo only in this photo, Blake is barefoot.

So obviously I had to go back to the photo she posted and do an ole zoom job.

Sure as shit, she Microsoft Painted heels on and honestly without seeing that second photo, I never would’ve known. But since her dopey husband outted her for being shoeless now I see how shitty these cartoon shoes really look. Number 1 you gotta hate your husband for doing this. What a butthole move. Number 2 what’s the point of doing it in the first place? You were barefoot and on your tippies. Whatevs. Was she on her tippies knowing that she would draw a pair of heels in later? I feel like I just have so many questions now that I know she felt the need to fabricate footwear for an Instagram post. Obviously they both leaned into it with good humor on Instagram stories afterward. I think the stupidest thing about this all is that there’s a literal headline on People.com that reads “Blake Lively Draws Louboutins onto Her Bare Feet in a Glam Voting Snap.” That one made me cackle my face off. BITCH USED A PAINTBRUSH AND SLAPPED A COUPLE OF BROWN LINES ACROSS HER FEET AND SUDDENLY THEY’RE LOUBOUTINS? HOW. Also, joke’s on you Blake & Ryan–you tried to get the word out about voting and all anyone can talk about is your cartoon feet. HA. I’m not going to vote but you bet your bottom dollar I’m going to put my detective hat on and get out my magnifying glass to see if you’re wearing shoes or not.

3. Death by Climax.

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Matthew McConaughey had a book come out this week so he’s running the press circuit aka we’re seeing a new headline about him every damn day. None as EYE CATCHING as “Matthew McConaughey’s dad died during sex.” Now that’s an attention grabber. Sucks to try and sell a book and have every website publish that story. Now no one cares about buying the book for juicy tidbits when they can read them online for free. I’ve been listening to the Sibling Revelry podcast hosted by Kate & Oliver Hudson and this week’s guests were Matthew and his brother Rooster. (Yeah I’m flexing that I watch docs AND listen to podcasts, GET AT ME NERDS.) And it sounds like their parents were a real rollercoaster. They got divorced and re-married to each other three times and then lo and behold dad has a heart attack “when he climaxed.” Those are Matthew’s poignant words, not mine. Death by climax. WHAT A WAY TO GO. I mean seriously, that’s gotta be the best way for someone to die feelings wise. You go out on top (figuratively but also maybe literally as well? Depends on your position.) HOWEVER, counter point is that this is THE WORST way to die if you’re the person left alive to clean up that mess. You’ve now banged someone to death and have to deal with their naked body. It’s like my fear of falling to my death in the shower and having someone discover my naked body except 1 zillion times worse. Anyway, glad I could walk you through that tragedy. These are the places my mind goes. There was a lot to unpack there and I think the most important is that his dad Babe Ruth’ed his own death by telling his kids, “Boys when I go, I’m gonna be makin love to your mother.” What a legend James McConaughey is.

4. Another 90’s Child Star Arrest.

In this world nothing is certain except death, taxes, and 90’s child stars getting arrested. I mean seriously we’ve really learned that child stars are fuuuuuuuuuuuuudged up. They’re either beating women or doing copious amounts of drugs or both. The latest on that rotation is Zachery Ty Bryan, eldest of Tim the Toolman Taylor’s children. Though he played the oldest as Brad Taylor and had these dreamy baby blues, we all know that the real hottie was JTT and maybe that’s haunted him into his late 20’s. He was scooped in Oregon by the po-po after choking his girlfriend. Already not a great look and then he treats his mugshot like it’s school picture day and not evidence of him being a total scumbag. YOIKES, man. Just another one to add to the roster of wholesome child star F-ups.

5. I Smell Children.

One more charitable reunion in the long list of reunions and reboots that have been birthed by quarantine. I want to say that I’m super jacked up for this because Hocus Pocus is without a doubt the best Halloween movie of all time, and yet I’m lackluster to reunions these days. They’re typically done via zoom or virtually and most of them are contrived. I’m too attached to the OG Hocus Pocus to see it dragged out for a shitty reunion or bit that will ruin the magic of this classic. I’m not sure exactly what “In Search of the Sanderson Sisters” will entail, but given that you have to buy tickets, I’m probably never going to find out unless they release clips fo free. If anyone does pay up to watch, plz send me a full summary and review. Regardless of what I think, it looks like nothing has changed according to Bette’s instagram. I wonder if we’ll even get a glimpse of Thackary Binx, the only cat I’ll ever love.

UhhhhhhBUHBYE.

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Movies

Hocus Pocus Season Is Upon Thee

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It’s October…a month when pumpkin spice assaults every food, drink & aroma, you didn’t really go apple picking with your boyfriend unless you instagrammed it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY the only month it’s acceptable to watch Hocus Pocus. I don’t get down with off-season holiday movie viewing. It’s not ok to watch Christmas movies in July and I’ll never allow an early or late Hocus Pocus viewing. It feels sacrilegious. Anyway everyone knows this was the greatest Halloween movie ever made and rather than try to convince you of that (you should need no convincing), I’d prefer to thank the creators of Hocus Pocus for gifting us with so many things, five of which I detail below.

1. Yabbos. Did you ever think this word could be used to describe a top notch rack? No you probably didn’t, but that’s what’s so great about pervy Max Dennison letting it slip to his annoying little sis that he was all about Allison’s yabbos. There are several slang words for boobs but yabbos will always take the cake–just silly enough to illicit a laugh, but not downright inapprops like “tits”.

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2. Halloween Music. Normally we’re more of a Christmas music nation but why can’t Halloween music be a thing? Oh, because it doesn’t really exist. Well fret no more because the Sanderson Sisters are back and they’re here to put a spell on our ears. Once you forget about the fact that this song is actually their way of keeping the parents distracted while they snatch up all their kids and drink their souls…you can focus on how it’s a real banger. Now dance, DANCE UNTIL YOU DIIIIIEEEEE.

The second song in this movie is probably more for the acquired ear because it’s terrifying and creepy but hey…so is Halloween! Put on this little number when you’re getting ready to lure a bunch of kids to your cabin in the woods so that you can snag their spirits and become young and beautiful. I don’t need it right now, but maybe in a few years I’ll start learning the words. (Not for nothing, but aren’t Sarah’s yabbo’s a liiiittttle distracting during this broom-writhing performance?)

3. The only cat I’ll ever love. Look, it’s no secret that I’m team dog 1000%. Dogs are cute, cuddly, loyal and fun. Cats are shady MF’ers who stalk around the house and plot your impending death. HOWEVER, I will gladly bite my tongue about cats when it comes to Thackary Binx. Thackary is the redemption for all cats, mostly because he’s actually a rather adorbs seventeenth century boy who looks out for Max, Dani & Allison.  He also gets pretty sassy with the sisters and often reminds Max what a virgin loser he is for lighting the black flame candle. Hey–it’s not like he can die, so why not dish it out?

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4. Booooooooook. It’s not every day that a regular inanimate object gets it’s own singing cat call. Winifred’s call for her spell book is something that still lives on today because it’s funny and everyone can appreciate a good throaty book call. Something that goes hand in hand with this for no reason at all is Winifred’s infamous bucked teeth that reside on the outside of her mouth. For example, I happened to be at a bar last winter and a girl was there with teeth that just wouldn’t fit behind her lips and all I had to say was that girl has Winifred teeth and everyone understood what was up. Boom. Roasted.

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5. A slutty Disney witch. Forget about slutty Disney princesses, Hocus Pocus gave us Sarah, a dum dum who would much rather slow dance with the devil or make out with a mummy than snatch up some kids. Carrie Bradshaw, who? SJP plays her best character with Sarah and brings most of the laughs (#2 is clearly Mary the side-mouthing moron.) Anyway, it’s always delightful when you’re little and inappropriate jokes fly right over your head then you re-watch the movie and see that it was actually really dirrty. Sitting on the bus driver’s lap pretty much sums that up. Thank you for being you, Sarah.

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Now get watching or… gotohell

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Movies

90’s Movie Characters I Wanted To Date

The fact that I had to ask multiple people if this blog would be funny or creepy can pretty much tell you what line I’m toeing here. The first boys to snag my heart were the classic movie characters of the 90’s and some of them happen to still be great boyf material (fictionally speaking…) Also my legal advisor (my dad) told me to not refer to any of these characters as hot. Probably because they ranged from like 11-17 in these movies. Whatever. I like to play it fast and loose.

10. Josh Framm (Air Bud 1-100)

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Although I can only say I watched the first Air Bud…who doesn’t love a cute guy who loves dogs and also happens to be teammates with his? It’s fate that Josh found Buddy because the two of them were an ally oop dream team (and apparently in later sequels they dabbled in football and soccer) WHAT CAN’T THIS PUP DO?! Regardless, Josh’s BFF was his dog and that’s something that’s definitely not lame when you’re a kid. It’s swoonworthy.

9. Max Dennison (Hocus Pocus)

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Max was Joe Cool new kid from LA. Although he took a fair share of bullying, he got a bomb ass nickname from it. Hollywood had game for dayz when he slipped Allison his digits while wearing his best tie dye and then later took her on a date to a haunted house. He’s cool enough to admit he’s a virg when he lights the black flame and then does his best to protect everyone from getting murdered by a bunch of sassy buck toothed witches. What a dreamboat.

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8. Josh Burnbalm (Heavy Weights)

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Bet I threw you for a loop with this one. Hey, I can get down with the chubsters if they have a kickass personality like Josh did. Josh was the OG of Camp Hope and had an admirable collection of hats and track jackets like a real stud. He was confident and funny and after getting kicked out of camp he even knew how to pull a prank on his fellow fatties when he pretends he was brainwashed. Josh was as smooth as the chocolate stored in Chipmunk cabin’s top bunk.

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7. Wally Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver)

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The Beav was kind of a little annoying runt, but what really made this movie were the few glimpses of his older brother Wally as hot stuff. Wally was macking on girls during seven minutes of heaven and stealing his BFF’s crush while Beav was getting his bike stolen. Who was the more interesting Cleaver? Plus, THAT hair.

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6. Casper (Duh)

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K, I’m not about to throw a ghost fetish into the mix, but the fleeting moments in this movie when Casper turns from ghost into human form and gives Kat a smooch? Yes please. Who would’ve thought that a cartoon ghost could be such a cutie IRL. Ghost Casper lays the groundwork to be Kat’s BFF and then human Casper snakes right in and slow dances with her to seal the deal. Good teamwork. Also related but unrelated: the actor who plays Casper, Devon Sawa could’ve easily made this list as three separate characters, guy CRUSHED it as the love interest in 90’s movies.

5. Dean Portman (D2: Mighty Ducks)

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Dean Portman was ½ of the Bash Bros and one whole hunky piece of meat. As an avid bandanna wearer who knew that sleeves weren’t in his best interest, Dean loved to rock a little pre-game air guitar and then lay out anyone who got near him on the ice. He fulfilled my bad boy fantasy as a young’n, but he also had a soft spot for a little bromance with Fulton Reed. These two were an aggressive dynamic duo who could get down with slumber parties. (Also we can all agree that D2 is 1000 times better than the original Mighty Ducks right?) Bonus points: Dean had the body of a pro hockey player even though he was supposed to be like 15.

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4. Jesse (Free Willy 1-3)

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Although Jesse was a little brat at first because he was homeless and sad about his mom hating him, he shaped up real quick and became the apple of my eye. Mostly because he became BFF’s with a killer whale. Oh hey, have you guys met my boyfriend? He’s over there riding Willy through the Pacific, NBD. Jesse could rip the harmonica, was passionate about his best bud and saved him from captivity but still hung out with him on the reg. If you’re wondering if I’d use Jesse to get to Willy, the answer is a hard yes.

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3. Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)

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Henry broke his arm one summer and when the cast came off he was the best pitcher for the Chicago Cubs. Supes realistic. Whatever, Henry was funny, cute and could totes get me season tix for all you can eat Wrigley Field wieners. And his mom was his BFF which was pretty adorbsies, plus he never forgot who his real friends were. #Loyalty, #MillionDollarPaycheck, #MagicalBones

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2. Rocky (3 Ninjas)

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Although any of the three boys could’ve made this list, Rocky was the oldest and therefore the most appropriate to have a crush on. Rocky rides a mean bike, dunked in a kid’s face at school and oh wait…is a NINJA. The only thing holding him back? His girlfriend, Emily. WOOOF. You can do better than that, Rocky. Every time I watched that movie I wish Rocky was whispering sweet nothings from a can into my bedroom, not hard puffy bangz Emily. Anyway, Rocky protected Emily when she got kidnapped in her embarrassing pink nightgown which obviously means he’s a phenomenal boyf. Plus he knew how to wear the shit out of a backwards hat, hair poking through.

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1. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (The Sandlot)

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It should be no surprise to any Sandlot fans how Benny The Jet topped this list. Benny was without a doubt the coolest, most heart-fluttering character of my formative years. He was sick nasty at baseball (and not just because he broke his arm), he was generous to people who sucked (I’m lookin at you, Smalls) and he pickled The Beast. Benny was also a giver to his obviously less hot friends. He totes could’ve gotten Wendy Peffercorn but he let Squints go for the chase while he kicked back and had dreams about Babe Ruth giving him life advice. Benny lacing up a fresh pair of Chucks and hopping that fence still does things to my thirteen-year-old heart. Is this getting pervy? Probably. Whatevs, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez foreva…cause heroes get remembered but legendary characters I wished were my boyfriend never die.

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And just for kicks, here’s what everyone looks like present-day. As like, legal adults.

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