JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of  4/29/2019

1. Third Time’s A Surprise. 

Oh ho hum, Blake apparently hasn’t been photographed lately because here she is at Ry Ry’s premiere FULLY pregnant. I don’t understand how celebrities can do this, especially a giant one like Blake Lively married to another giant celebrity. You have paparazzi living inside of your butthole and you hid a pregnancy for several months?! If Jennifer Aniston eats a bowl of soup they zoom in on her stomach and say she’s expecting. Was Blake a shut-in? I must know every single detail. Also let’s not gloss over how amahzing she looks for the casual announcement. Rockin the big hair curls and they’re not even frizzy like mine are every. single. day. Spring has sprung and another beautiful child is on the way. SORPRESA!

blake

2. Elvis Marries A Jonas.

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I guess it’s just the week of surprises because Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas got SURPRISE married after the BBMA’s on Wednesday and as much as I razz on the JoBros, I dig this move. It’s so cool it hurts. Oh hey, we just performed at an awards show and our ladies got mad camera time, let’s all just roll over to the Elvis chapel down the strip with a select group of kewl kids and get married. Diplo instagram live’d the whole ceremony, they exchanged ring pops, Dan + Shay sang an acoustic version of Speechless as Sophie walked down the aisle. I mean come on. The only thing that would’ve made it cooler was if Taylor Swift was there but for obvious reasons (Joe dumped Taylor via text in like 2008) it was best that she wasn’t in attendance. Since Sophie’s cultivated such a cool girl persona I’m surprised she didn’t take a knee and chug wine at the end of the aisle but I guess they wanted to keep it classy. I would go on a tangent about how hilarious it is that Nick and Priyanka had a 10 year long castle wedding that was beyond extravagant and these two bozos just casually got married by Elvis and had their pics taken with a pink car in the chapel BUT turns out they only got married so that they can proceed with their originally planned France wedding. If you’re not a citizen of France turns out you can’t get legally married there so that’s why they got that part out of the way here, so they can now proceed to be rich and lavish and probably throw a huge France castle wedding after all. Either way, if I had to pick a favorite Jonas couple to ship, it would be these two. I can get down with anyone whose like F it let’s just do something fun. Also because I’m jelly and wish I were in the cool kids group.

jonaswedding

3. Casual Post-Awards Show Surgery.

While Joe and Sophie were getting hitched on Insta Live, Kelly Clarkson was having her appendix removed. Turns out girl had appendicitis all week and still hosted an entire awards show and performed twice. Just her medley at the beginning alone where she was bopping through the crowd and up on stage, HOW DOES ONE DO THAT?! If I may compare this to a personal story of mine, one time in first grade I fell ice skating and fractured my wrist and then didn’t say anything about it, played with my friend as usual and when my mom picked me up that night I sobbed. Ended up in a pink cast (that I 100% saved. I’m disgusting, come at me) and just those 3 or 4 hours of pain were traumatizing. Now imagine singing, dancing and performing for thousands of people all while your insides are bursting. AND NOT EVEN ONCE COMPLAINING ABOUT IT?! God, Kelly Clarkson is a true American hero.

4a. New Tune.

Shout out to my sister for alerting me to this little diddy. As always with Shawn, it’s the perfect pop tune and y’all should feast your ears on it. Full disclosure I didn’t watch the video because I was already late to work today and I felt that it would be frowned upon to then immediately sit down and stare at Shawn Mendes for 3 minutes and 11 seconds but I feel like it’s probably great as well. Mostly because I’m just an all around music video stan. And black and white makes everything classier/more dramats.

4b. Old Tune, New Obsession.

I’ve really embraced Lizzo this week. Mostly because I kept hearing people say they were 100% THAT bitch and I wanted to head straight to the source and see what THAT bitch was all about. It turns out she’s about shaking her LARGE body all over the joint and declaring that she don’t need no man to be happy, booboooooo. AND I AM HERE FOR IT. I LOVE IT. I love the fact that she’s sassy as all hell and just puts out feel good bops. I listened to her Youtube playlist for a day at work and I was ready to kick my chair over, do a quick dance number where I OBVIOUSLY drop it low and snap my fingers before stomping outta here.

I mean damn. I want her confidence. ALL of it. It’s like when Fat Amy rubs her butt confidence all over Becca in Pitch Perfect 2. I’m hoping that the more I twerk to some Lizzo, the more butt confidence will rub off on me. BRING IT, GURL.

(Full disclosure I came home that night and played 2 videos for the boyf and tried to copy all her dance moves and sing along, it was a performance that should’ve been filmed for entertainment value but unfortunately wasn’t and you’ll just have to use your imagination. He was less than enthused. Apparently Lizzo might just be for the ladiezzzzz. #GRLPOWER)

5. Nudies for the Weekend. 

Gentlemen, goodnight. Ladies, good morning. Here’s a v. chiseled nude of Channing Tatum that no guy will ever appreciate, and every lady will. Apparently he “lost a bet” and his girlfriend’s v. personal pic of him all wet and naked just “had to be posted.” Ya ok, Chan. Whatever helps you sleep at night. All I can say is thank you for sharing this with the world.

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Music, Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet 2019

Don’t ever remember them plopping the Billboards on a random Wednesday night but they couldn’t pull one over one me! I still unfortunately watched 99% of this trainwreck. It was all downhill after Tay and Brendon rode over the crowd on a parasol (which was BOSS.) I don’t know if it was the chicken or the egg, but Tay’s video had a million ladies in pastel pantsuits and the theme for last night’s red carpet was lady blazers. Hollywood really taking a biz profesh approach to the awards scene. As it turns out, I’m here for it.

WORST

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m sorry, but is this a bullet proof vest? Is this a fashion statement or necessary?

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

There’s no sight that compares to fresh post-baby abs. What a treat for the ole peepers. Also fun fact that I noticed when Cardi accepted an award last night–her boobs don’t even remotely move. Hard as rocks.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Honestly Ciara’s son deserves to be on the best dressed because he looks like a baller in his DJ Khaled sweatsuit. Take notes, Khaled, matching separates looks cute on kids, not on overweight grown men. Ciara is throwing me too much boob/leg/navel to get on board with this look.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Was Diplo coming after Post Malone and his gay cowboy aesthetic or did he genuinely think he looked great? We may never know.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I get real heated every time Halsey hits the red carpet because she’s so pretty and she ruins that by dressing like a walking trashcan. You don’t need to wear lingerie made out of blue trash bags with purple lipstick, gurl. Go makeup free and slide on an LBD. Thank me later.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?! This guy was HONORED with my #1 spot for ranking MK & A’s movie boyfriends (read it here) and he repays me by wearing THIS?! One cannot even classify this as a Hawaiin shirt. It’s TOO ugly to be a Hawaiian shirt. Get out of my face, James from Winning London.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Kind of a bold choice for the oldest and least relevant Jonas to go shirtless under his suit jacket. Something I never needed to see. Also three grown men coordinating their plaid 80’s suits.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JUST COME IN YOUR UNDERWEAR NEXT TIME, JULES. Why not give junderwear a spin?

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Oh, hello Grandpa.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Not into this racing suit with vines all over it.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

What sane person would combine these colors. Marigold and Christmas tree green. WUT. Clean it up, Tor.

 

BEST

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

You’ll notice that pretty much anyone who wore something sparkly hit the best dressed. It’s Vegas and it would be wrong NOT to wear sparkles.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Brendon is really riding the Taylor train. The audience camera panned to him no less than 1000 times during the show. It’s a good thing he was wearing such a great outfit. I dig the Gold accent.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Sparkly and fun, red lip, yes plzzzz!

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m gonna be honest I got distracted by the legs.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Whole FGL clan on point, right down to their color coordination. They really cleaned up their act from the days when they dressed like Kid Rock.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Gronk basically hosted the awards last night with the amount of screen time that goober had. He’s wearing dad shoes but overlooking that part, him and Camille are killin it.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JHuddddddd get ittttttttttttt.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Dress is just whatevs but I have a lady boner for those shoes.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

It’s unfortunate that these three posed together because I would say Beanie and Olivia look meh, and I’m really just into the silver suit on the left.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I feel like I haven’t seen Paula since OG Idol days and she looks fab city. Keep up the great work, and I mean work literally because there’s no way her face naturally looks like that.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

The newest Jonas outshined the bros by far. She was even rewarded with a mid-performance smooch.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

SNAKESKIN. SUIT. WITH SPARKLES. That is all.

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, MGM Grand Garden Arena, Las Vegas, USA - 01 May 2019

Could do without all the ruffles but purple is my favorite color and it’s hard to hate when those stems are struttin all over the joint.

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Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet 2018

This is one of those awards show that I question if I’m too old for every year and the great news is, not yet! If you close the show with Salt n Pepa, En Vogue and DJ Spinderella spitting 90’s bangers, I’M STILL IN THE CUTOFF! Unfortunately, I am too old for like 90% of what the females chose to wear for this red carpet, which is unfortunate because this was a real female empowerment show.

WORST

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Kewl one suspender, Gaston.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m convinced that Halsey just grabs a wig on her way out the door and tosses it on in the limo with how out of place it always looks on her head/body.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

The bottom of this dress could dust my apartment and I’m over it.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Taylor hasn’t been on an awards show red carpet in 2 years and this was her comeback dress. Hard disapprove.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Red Carpet

Salt n Pepa tried to dress like youths except that they’re no longer in youth shape.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Clashing prints and quite the baggy crotch for new dad John. We’ll forgive him because he showed up just to sing and flew back to Chrissy & the babies.

ciarafront

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

We needed a front and back view of this dress because although the sparkles dazzle me, Ciara basically rolled up naked.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

This dress MUST be one size fits all because she is drowning in it.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I had a disgusting dress up dress when I was a kid that was made from this exact fabric and was a brighter hue of purple. Except it didn’t have a neckline that started at my waist.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m honestly perplexed by this. Did someone ravel her in pinstripe fabric from a spool and just let her start walking?

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, Las Vegas, USA - 20 May 2018

DEMI WHAT R U DOING? You can perform with Xtina but DO NOT take fashion tips from her!!! Slicked hair and a leopard print muumuu, no ma’am!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Ugh. Maren. A heart? Rly?

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I am blown away by this look. Not only is it completely skanky to just roll up with a wide open, unbuttoned blazer but my friend and I dissected what happens when you sit down for far too long. But seriously. Unless she’s standing for this entire awards show, can we take a quick guess what’ll happen when she sits down? Her stomach will do all sorts of things. It’s called gravity. WHY WOULD A FEMALE WILLINGLY OPEN THEIR TOP UP TO SHOW THAT OFF?!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

The inventor of smizing was really selling it here but nothing will sell this collar/sleeve ruffle.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

This is lingerie.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Although this is a very Kesha outfit, I feel like if she maybe took one piece away from all the things she’s doing here I would’ve let it slide.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Love her hair and the color but all these mixed textures ruined it for me.

BEST

janet-jackson

Wooooo Janet looking like the badass fairy godmother of the BBMA’s.

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, Las Vegas, USA - 20 May 2018

Don’t care what he’s shamelessly promoting here because it’s Pauly D and I love him and he’s wearing pineapple kicks.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Fun dress that doesn’t show any of her bits! Not quite sure about Evan’s bedazzled Cosby sweater tho.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

This doesn’t even look like Mila Kunis (can we not make bangs a thing?) but it’s still a cute outfit.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I like this dress in theory but judging by the amount of times Hailey tugged at her boobs she clearly was uncomfy in it and this is why you don’t wear a dress where your girls hang loose and you have to constantly adjust it to prevent a nip slip. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JESSE ❤

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I want to toss this pic in front of JC and say this is how you do red boots.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I kinda just want this leather jacket for myself, tbh.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Host K. Clarkson in addition to being suuuuper obnoxious, rotated between varations of black dresses/suits with big belts and gold jewels. Slimming classic look.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Red hawt. Even the shades match!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Jenna Dewan gettin down in all leatha.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I feel like the guys showed up way more than the girls last night and I’m here for it! Showing the bros some fashion love.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

FRESH SUMMER SUIT!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m so envious of this dramatic top bun. And also the dress is alright.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Although I find it absolutely mind-bottling that a comically round individual like DJ Khaled is the most sought after person to shout ANOTHA ONE or scream nonsense in the background of your song and take partial producing/writing credit, this aqua colored suit and matching kicks are mesmerizing. Credit where credit is due. Now back to hating him for ruining every good song on this earth. The. End.

 

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