JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/9/2020

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1. Who Bought Halftime This Year?

The Weeknd, that’s who. I’m certainly not the first to say this but allow me to be the loudest, WHAT?! We just had a record day for new cases of the ‘vid (I feel like if we give it a street name it’ll stop killing people) and we’re making plans for a football game in February?! LOLOLOL. Get the hell out of here with that garbage! Unless he’s performing remotely like all of these ratchet awards shows, I feel like it’s a scooch premature to be locking in the Super Bowl this year. Let’s take a beat and see how the end of 2020 shakes out first. Even the CMA’s that went full force the other night had people dropping like flies because of positive tests. Just because Pfizer has a promising lead on the vaccine sitch doesn’t mean we’ll be partying like it’s 1999 mask free for Super Bowl Sunday. (Related note: all of this can also apply to LiveNation who thinks they’re going to reboot the concert industry through an app to verify if you’ve been vaccinated.) Everyone needs to slow their roll. I get that the world is crumbling and people just want reasons to celebrate and act like shit’s normal but this has a real dad just hit mom at the dinner table and everyone be quiet vibe to it. Address the elephant in the room, the elephant that I’m referring to is of course the fact that just anyone can purchase their spot at the Super Bowl now and a stage that large should be exclusively reserved for iconic singers–of which the Weeknd is not. Sorry, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. JLo? Icon. Gaga? Icon. The Weeknd? He’s been around for like 2 years and I still have to google how to spell his name. Relax. That being said, should the halftime show go off without a hitch, my sister and I are one hundo percent available as backup dancers. Just need a couple of Bud Lattes, a cheese-based dip and 2 hours of practice to shuffle through 14 seconds of dance moves like we’re uncoordinated paralyzed zombies. Please contact our agent if you’re interested. Who am I kidding, we’d never give up a night of unlimited dips just to perform at the Super Bowl no matter HOW talented we are. Rescinding the offer in favor of the best apps night of the year.

@thesaltyju

When your sister gets drunk & says she’ll learn a tiktok dance but doesn’t realize that means 2 hours of practice…#fyp #blindinglights #sundayfunday

♬ Blinding Lights – MACDADDYZ

2. Another Legend Gone.

Lifelong Jeopardy host Alex Trebek lost his battle with cancer this past weekend. Whether you were an old who can’t miss Jeopardy or not, everyone is mourning this iconic host. He was Canadian cool and Jeopardy will be lost without him. I’m not personally an avid viewer of the Jeop/WOF early bird special but I was an avid viewer of “The Best of Will Ferrell on SNL” and his skits as Trebek were easily my favorite. It’s unfortunate that my first thought when I hear his name is “Suck It, Trebek” or “Rough, just the way your mother likes it, Trebek” but that’s what happens when you’re so calm & collected that they make a whole SNL running sketch with Sean Connery (also RIP, God everyone’s dropping like flies) insulting you. Hope he’s up there kickin it with Reg, doing TV legend shit. (Enjoy my favorite clip below even though the only surviving celeb that they’re mocking is French Stewart…yoikes.)

And also an actual tribute to the real Alex Trebek and not the parody.

3. New Tuneage.

Thomas Rhett previewed this song about a week ago and I was READY FOR IT. I figured he’d incorporate his cute ass family into the music video as he’s been known to do, plus they spent a significant amount of time in Montana looking like an LL Bean catalog during quarantine. Curveball: he decided to go for the angle that makes me feel old AF. Watching a bunch of high school football games and kids singing in the car driving home from school was enough to make me wither away in my wrinkles and grey hair (YES I HAVE GREY HAIR, NO I AM NOT OVER IT) while watching. Regardless of my age insecurities, this song is a bop and the video had some wholesome fall vibes to it. Maybe one day I’ll get to see his concert I bought tickets for last June and not have to prove via an app that I’m Covid-Free. Also good news:

These two cherubs will be hosting the holidays. Since there’s a high possibility that Thanksgiving and Christmas are cancelled, we need them now more than ever. Now who is going to give me a cable login so I can watch?

4. Flex on Flex.

Rolling Stone did a feature called “Musicians on Musicians” where Taylor Swift and Paul McCartney kicked it in London and talked about the process behind their latest albums, both done in quarantine. In summary, it was a buttload of words about why they’re both bosses. Paul played all the instruments on his album, Taylor talked about how she’s been beefing up on classic literature and showed up without hair and makeup for a photoshoot. It’s essentially a contest to see who can be more intelligent and humble. They both win. I imagine they conducted this interview in a castle library straight out of Beauty and the Beast, smoking cigars. The whole article just smelled of rich leather and mahogany. Obviously I’m jealous as hell. And as two top-tier songwriters who have earned their success, why wouldn’t you humble-brag about it in Rolling Stone if given the opportunity? For those of you who like a long read and are genuinely interested in the art of music (Dad), find the article HERE. For anyone with the attention span of a gnat (the rest of my friends and family), you’re not really missing that much. Taylor doesn’t give many tidbits behind folklore other than that Peace is one of the few on the album that is about her personal life (focusing on her lack of privacy and how that messes with her relationship) and she really loves the word epiphany and has a list of big words that she just likes and will toss into songs. My favorite part of the article is the story Paul tells in the end:

Here’s hoping something will happen for me REAL QUICK.

5. CHRISTMAS IS COMING THE GEESE ARE GETTING FAT.

People are really desp for some Christmas cheer this year and I feel like the past few weeks have been chock full of holiday content, so I’m going to do the lazy thing and jam it all together here for your selective consumption. If you feel like it’s too soon, get over it. Hallmark has been airing Christmas movies since March. It’s time to force joy into your lives when it’s pitch black at 5 (Seriously, is there a soul on this earth that LIKES daylight savings? Can we just cancel it like everything else?) and freezing cold. The hot flash that was last week is over and it’s time to come to terms with Mariah season fast-approaching. So here’s some new tunes (I’m purposefully leaving out the Jonas Brothers release because it was the biggest snoozer):

So realistically it’s just the country scene that are ready for some Christmas cheer, which is ironic because the south will never see snow and their holidays probably look like my 80 degree bike ride through the tacky lights on the lake display that they started erecting in Syracuse in July.

If only snow always looked as majestic as the set where Dan + Shay crooned about Christmas and white fedoras like Jessie’s counted as casual wear. Anyway, in addition to new beats, there will also be a Disney singalong. Unfortunately it’s the same night as the country holiday special hosted by TR and Lauren so hopefully y’all have some DVR space. Normally I’d skip this Disney fest but they do have Bubbles and everyone with a brain knows you can’t have Christmas without Michael Buble.

And finally should you be in search of holiday movies that might include a little more action than your regular Hallmark & Lifetime (of which I will try my hardest to do my annual blog of holiday TV movies), might I suggest Holidate on Netflix. TECHNICALLY it’s not a Christmas movie because it features ALL holidays, but we’ll count it for now because I have given it my must-watch stamp of approval. It has humor, it has sex (GASP) and just the right amount of cheese. Also, feel free to turn focusing on the fact that Kristin Chenoweth’s forehead does not move one single time into a drinking game. You’re welcome. My Christmas present to all.

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