Remember that horrendous reality TV show a few years ago where they tricked a bunch of T-Rash American girls into thinking Prince Harry was dating them when they were actually just dating a ginger actor? When that came out I was like well this is the reason Prince Harry will never so much as sniff at an American. I can’t even believe WE ALL HAD A CHANCE THIS WHOLE TIME. Ok, whatevs, this girl is gorge and an actress and charitable AF–AND according to her Twitter bio she is “a traveler of this beautiful world.”Fine, we get it. You’re the bomb.com, girl. I guess Harry is over his blacking out in Vegas days and looking to settle down. That is, if every gossip mag reporting this relationship like it’s the royal wedding doesn’t scare him off. GUD LUCK, MEG!
2. Emma Watson is perfection.
More pics from the live action Beauty and the Beast were released this week and of course Emma is crushing it as Belle. I’ve never seen anyone look better in a yellow dress than the time I wore it for Halloween in 2013. But I’m willing to pass the torch to her because she’s perfect for this role and also I would never in a billion years want to smooch this beast with horns. Yikes. Can we see the after photo? Also I’m gonna need a close-up of Gaston. Cause like, Gaston can’t be hot. Cartoon Gaston just looked like a dick and I can’t be getting all confused about who Belle is supposed to be attracted to if they give this movie the Hollywood treatment and Gaston is a dreamboat while Beast is over there snarling and picking gnats out of his fur.
Beauty and the Beast (2017) Emma Watson stars as Belle and Kevin Kline is Maurice, Belle’s father.
3. Beyonce eats cheetos. STARS. THEY’RE JUST LIKE US. I love how it was a legitimate headline this week that Bruno Mars revealed Beyonce nommed all up on some cheetos before the Super Bowl halftime show. He even included that she had the cheezy dust on her fingers. Talk about blackmail. See if Beyonce ever snacks around Bruno again. But actually, if all I have to do is eat cheetos to get a body like B then I’m basically there. Except for the whole orange dust thing. I’m not saying I’m above it, but it might be frowned upon for me to sit at my desk and lick my fingers after snacktime.
4. There’s still hope for me. Was cruising through twitter this week and saw that someone had tweeted this photo:
And said this is what Ice Box looks like now. Since everyone knows I have an affinity for wearing a backwards hat like a big ole lez and pretending it’s adorable, this is HUGE news for me. The girl who starred in Little Giants and looked like THIS:
…now looks like a smokeshow. Here’s what I looked like as a child vs. grown up. We’ve still got some time, guys. I’m not worried. IT’S JUST A PHASE.
5. Fuller House got worse.
Ah yes, the season 2 that EVERYONE (read: no one) has been anticipating. Fuller House is going the way of Girl Meets World and after watching this disaaaaaster of a trailer, I gotta say I’m officially out. No more she-wolf pack jokes, no more Danny Tanner dressed as Vanilla Ice going through a mid-life crisis and DEFINITELY no more DJ wasting an opportunity with hot vet Matt. I feel like a giant weight of terrible MK&A jabs has been lifted off of my shoulders and I encourage everyone else to quit as well. Mostly because if anyone talks about this I’ll have FOMO and immediately binge watch. LET’S STAY STRONG TOGETHER.
PS this throwback of Uncle J looking like a total babe soda isn’t helping me stay strong.
BONUS: My dad is funnier than me. Den & I have an age old tradition (since I graduated college), where when I’m faced with financial decisions, I ask him to explain them to me in 90’s pop culture references. It’s a fool proof method, really. He knows all of the characters I’m obsessed with, and also smart stuff like MONEY. After college graduation he broke down investments via Dawson’s Creek and this week he delivered a killer Saved by the Bell comparison to teach me what an IRA account is. Read and appreciate that my dad is and will always be cooler than yours.
It’s almost like he should have his own blog or something. (JK-steal my spotlight and I’ll cut a bitch.) One blog per fam. PS Happy 2nd Birthday to The Salty Ju last week. #ShamelessPlug
Harry probably follows The Salty Ju like nobody’s biz, saw that I was super disappointed in him last week for his hideous pics and he was like I gotchu girl. And he does. Looking past the mani because everything else is so on point. And by that I pretty much mean just his hair, because the silk scarf under his shirt is also a little odd.
2a. Sag city.
Tori Spelling is preggers again and it’s time to say enough is enough. These babies are basically walking out at this point. Her two youngest children are the same age right now. And they are not twins. We understand that Dean has a sex addiction and she’s trying to satisfy that, but like he should probably then take care of his side of things. It’s only fair. My vagina actually aches thinking about giving birth essentially twice in the same year. Ouch city.
2b. Lock it up.
Which leads me to my next story, Kelly Clarkson knows what’s up. After her second baby she was like k, we done here. She’s on a book tour this week or something and told Jenny McCarthy that while she was preggers she told her husband to “get fixed.” Take notes, Tori. Hashtag MiSs InDePenDeNt
3. Boston Strong.
This wasn’t a full trailer and it gave me chills. We all can LoL all we want at Mahky Mahk and his Dorchester upbringing and the fact that he is the epitome of the over the top MAHHH Boston accent. But like, this was definitely a huge deal for him to make this movie and he’s got a lot riding on it because of how much that day affected Boston. As someone who got to see the marathon firsthand last year, it was probably one of the coolest things to experience so many strangers actually being nice to each other so I can’t imagine what this day was like. I look forward to seeing this movie and how they’ll handle it. Fingers crossed Beantown is pleased and doesn’t disown Mahky Mahk or his funky bunch. (I can’t be serious ALL THE TIME.)
4. New jamz.
John Legend gave us some new catchy music about looouuuurrrveee and that little nugget Bruno does what he does best, takes a 70’s pop beat and grooves around to it in a shirt that gave me a headache. Not sold on 24K magic yet, but toss a little alcohol down my gullet and who knows, I might be gliding across the dance floor in my white leather loafers.
5. Kimmy K. Ugh ugh, ugh. I follow the no-Kardashians rule of thumb for my blog because they make enough press for themselves and they don’t need more attention. This was like the #1 story this week though and it is kind of a big deal so here we are. Bottom ranked on my list but also, slow news week. Ya girl Kimmy allegedly got robbed at gunpoint. That’s like pretty much all we know at this point because for once the fam has been tight-lipped about the incident. Kanye left mid-concert when it happened and has cancelled some future dates to be with his wifey. I’m not saying that this didn’t happen, but I’m not not saying it either. Everything about it just seems a little too fishy and America DID just experience Lochte-gate, so it’s very fresh in our minds that stories can be, how do I put this nicely, escalated. I will wait until further details are released but like, proceeding with caution & reasonable doubt.
As always, don’t expect any sort of sports analysis here, unless you want me to discuss in detail how I wore a fictional football team jersey yesterday and made my sister take a picture of me tapping the top of her doorway so I could re-create the CLASSIC Friday Night Lights intro. Riggs was NOT in the game last night, and the Dillon Panthers did NOT win, therefore it was a snooze. Here’s some highlights and stuff…
If you closed your eyes and just listened, Lady Gaga’s national anthem killed it. If you had your eyes open, you had the unfortunate task of guessing if she was really feelin it, or if her eyes were being weighed down by 5 lbs of glitter shellac.
I’d like to personally thank Lady G for tossing a Christina Aguilera riff in the mix, complete with jazz hands, because it made me laugh out loud.
I only know who Jerry Rice is because he made a cameo in One Tree Hill at Jimmy Jam’s birthday party one year. If he had worn these sunglasses he would’ve scared all the kids.
I didn’t know Danny Zuko played football! Grease LIVE is so hawt right now.
REAL disappointed with the assortment of commercials last night. Last year was all about kids dying, this year was all about inanimate objects talking? Either way, sook city. ALSO WHERE THE HELL IS THE BUDWEISER CLYDESDALE AND PUP?! C’mon guys! You have ONE JOB. (Realistically they don’t and they probably didn’t need an ad at all with the real subtle plugs Peyton “I drink beer” Manning gave after the game no less than 5 times.) But anyway…
Duds:
–Michelob Ultra trying to make us think that their beer is for people who’ve gone real hard at the gym and just want to hydrate themselves a little. What I took away from this commercial is that I get equally as out of breath when I walk up the stairs, so does that count as me “going the extra mile”?
–Snickers is becoming more known for their celeb cameos and this one had a few, but what I can’t get down with is using holograms to bring back dead actresses. If Marilyn Monroe was going to come back via CGI you can bet she would’ve wanted it to be for something a little more scandalous than a Snickers commercial.
-Lil Wayne is still alive and he’s doing a commercial for Apartments.com to the plot of the Jeffersons. What year is it?
-Hey look guys, Steve Harvey is in on the joke! LoL TMobile 4ever!
-Christopher Walken closet was so under-used it wasn’t even funny. Kia really blew it by taking a classic joke and turning into a lame car commercial.
Nightmares:
-Let’s just toss a bunch of aliens together to represent taste testers of Mexican avocados. What do aliens and Mexicans have in common? That’ll go over smooth as guac. (Bonus points for being SO pop culture savvy with the black and blue dress & Scott Baio. No that wasn’t a typo…SCOTT.BAIO.)
-Mountain Dew came back through with an image that I wanted immediately seared from my brain once again. Last year was a twerking dog, this year is puppy monkey baby. Isn’t it SAH CUTE? Now watch it rip your face off and twerk all over your dead corpse because it had a sip of the toxic lava that is Mtn Dew.
-The fact that my entire family didn’t know what a Marmot was is probably telling about how much time we spend in the wilderness. My sister thought it was a squirrel. Either way, kicking it with a large furry rodent and going in for a smooch is a quick way to end up in my nightmares section.
-You know what’s kind of jarring in human form? Steven Tyler. Let’s turn him into Skittles art!!!! Then have his large candy mouth sing Dream On from the floor. At least they didn’t show his feet.
-If the NFL was trying to paint a nice picture of cute kids singing about how they were conceived at the Super Bowl, I think they’re glossing over the deets a little here. Once upon a time, mommy was exhiled to the corner with her girlfriends to toss back wine and get ready for the halftime show, while daddy sat on the couch covered fingertip to elbow in hot sauce, shoveling wings and bud lights down his gullet while shouting at the TV. Mommy made bedroom eyes at Daddy from across the room (well Daddy thought they were bedroom eyes but really the dessert was just put out on the table behind him) and it was ON. They closed the night out with some pretty gassy sex. The end. Football IS family. At least Seal got a second chance at fame, though. Good for him.
Kinda Funny:
–Hyundai is repping their new whip where you can literally tell it to start and it does (whoa, technology) which allows some teens to narrowly escape a couple of bears. One bear just wanted to check out their ride, but it turns out the other actually wanted to eat them, cause it was his cheat day from a vegetarian diet. Hey Bear #2, same. I was ONLY cheating last night. DEFINITELY not all weekend.
-Hyundai must’ve really had their A team on the case this year because they also imagined a town full of Ryan Reynolds to the soundtrack of “What a Man” and I couldn’t have dreamed of anything better to be honest.
–Doritos kills it just about every year and they were pretty much the top dogs of this year. Their first ad was a live look at me when I was still in my mom’s belly jonesin for a cheesy snack. The second one was about dogs trying to get their hands on some ‘ritos and I can always get down with a dog commercial. (Unless they’ve combined dog body parts with human and monkey body parts.)
-Prius shows us that their cars can be driven by hawt-ass criminals and not just environmentally conscious dads who wear hemp shoes. They pretty much nailed how the world reacts to quirky stories with “The Prius 4” taking the media world by storm. I thought we were watching a real show when they asked a random girl which one she thought was the hottest. It’s sad because it’s true.
-It’s embarrassing when a commercial where the premise is the Shock Top orange boom-roasting a comedian ends up on the funny list but I actually cracked a laugh or two at this. Rough collection last night.
-Amy Schumer 4 Pres though. We can get rid of Seth probably. I’ll be VP of Bud Light because I basically already am judging by the amount of Bud Lattes I splashed down my throat Saturday afternoon. I’d 100% vote for the Bud Light Party over Donald Trump. Jus sayin.
-Honda gives us a nice pack of harmonizing goats singing “Somebody to Love” and I continue my quest to get to the bottom of HOW they make animals mouths move like that?! Seriously, I understand that I graduated in video production but like HOW DO ANIMALS TALK ON TV?!
-Drake entertaining a bunch of cellphone company squares as they shoot him suggestions for the Hotline Bling video was pretty great. The fact that it was T-Mobile was even funnier. It’s so adorbs how hard they’re trying to still be a thing.
HALFTIME SHOW (SPONSORED BY PEPSI IN CASE YOU FORGOT):
Sneaky start for Coldplay as they gave us a taste of Fix You before bursting into Viva La Vida. I could’ve done with more of Fix You, if we’re being honest. My high school obsession with that song where I would drive around and have all the feels really could’ve come out to play there. ANYWAY, Viva goes into Paradise and then their new number. (And I’m pretty sure that’s it for Coldplay songs…like they could’ve smashed out a medley of their greatest hits and they did like three songs. Yikes.)
There’s a whole lot of kids, which is something I never signed up for. I’d prefer to see Janet’s nip again than see a bunch of teenie boppers jump awkwardly onstage or play the viola.
The décor for the evening was psychedelic chic apparently, as an array of colors were thrown up onto the field and all over the stage for a very San Fran hippie feel. The theme for the vocals was “out of tune.” I was under the false notion that every halftime performer had to lip sync. It was VERY clear that Chris Martin was not on that train. His voice sucked, but hand claps to the light up heart in his pocket and rainbow safety pins clasping his pants togetha for being supes kewl.
Suddenly Chris is kicked off his own stage to make room for DJ Jazzy Mark Ronson to spin a 2-year-old song and Bruno to sashay around with a leather gang and halfheartedly lip sync it. I commend Bruno for surrounding himself with child dancers his own height so he doesn’t get a Napoleon complex.
Beyonce marches onto the field in a onesie and is like okay, enough, enough, Bruno and performs hot off the presses “Formation.” She gives the internet a new treasure trove of weird face gifs.
It would be wrong of me not to declare that as a part of the beyhive, this performance was prrrrrettty rough. It probably didn’t help that I was in a room full of Beyonce-haters. There were cheers as she almost toppled and I nearly covered my eyes. B, act like you’ve dropped it down low before.
I’m assuming she almost ate it because she’s a little more top-heavy lately (aren’t we all?)…might have something to do with her carrying hot sauce in her purse but that’s neither here nor there.
While Coldplay is still nowhere to be found at a show they probably payed millions to play, B and B have a dance rumble where Beyonce towered over Bruno and easily could’ve hip checked him off the stage and then Chris was like hey guys, remember me?
All three sang while a montage of performances past was shown and WHOSE HALFTIME SHOW IS THIS?! Once we’re done watching everyone else’s epic performance, the three take the stage with a bunch of local high school girls itching for their 15 minutes of fame and tossing their hair real hard to pretend they also have a personal fan pointed on them. Bruno blends right in with the kids, in fact I almost lost him onstage for a minute. AND THAT’S IT.
Oh yeah, and Beyonce apparently announced a world tour and even though I missed it, my dad assured me it was flashing across a message board wrapped around her thigh. (Note to self: never let the men in my family see my 3x as thunderous thighs.)
I’m just spitballing here but wouldn’t it have made the most sense for Beyonce and Chris to sing the duet THEY JUST RELEASED? Eh, whatever. Hey Chris, you tried.
Winners: Peyton Manning’s bank account as he cha-chinged his way through the post-game with talk of how he’s just a regular joe who likes pizza and beer. He just wants to kiss his wife and kids, but first he wants to lay one on Papa John, his business partner who he also kisses apparently. After the game he’s gonnna drink a whole lot of beers, but not just any ole beer. BUDWEISER. WINK.
Anabelle Bowlen. I wonder if her and Pat like to talk and not talk for hours.
The Salty Ju 