Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Supes Unpredictable

becca

Becca’s family has made it to the Maldives and she can’t wait to ask them to pick her future husband because she loves them both and can’t decide. Her family gets the Garrett sneak preview that he’s been married before. Tough room to walk into when the only info they’re fed is that he’s already done the damn thing. Garrett makes a super vague toast about Becca’s dead dad. Just say you wish you could’ve met her dad rather than make a long-winded cringe worthy announcement that not everyone could be there in person. Then Garrett literally full on sobs to each member of Becca’s family and it gives me all the uncomfies. When Becca’s sister (who I wouldn’t have known was her sister unless they kept captioning it) tells her how emosh Garrett is, she’s like oh he’s never cried in front of me. Seems like a weird time to pull the waterworks if your future wife hasn’t even seen you shed a tear yet, but whatevs.

Becca then tells her family to treat Blake like they did Garrett. Nothing like telling your family how to act around the guy that’s obviously not going to win! Blake’s looking like a trendy lil snack in his pink shorts and matching bouquet. Too bad he’s about to get his heart crushed. He says he’s excited a billion times like he’s having a Tourrette’s episode. The nervous energy is palpable. When Blake sits down with the sis, he uses the CLASSIC interview tip to bide time, saying great question when Becca’s sister interrogates him like she’s hiring him to be her brother in law. I’ve been doing a few interviews lately and I also use that tactic. Except when I say great question that’s usually my answer because great question universally means you stumped me and I’m too stupid to form a coherent answer here, thank you for your time. Becca’s sister is Team Blake and says he would challenge her and be more of a teammate. Becca bursts into tears, so it’s obvious where this is going. Becca’s mom is already comforting Blake like you’ll be fine if she doesn’t pick you. MOM SIXTH SENSE. Not a great start to the ‘sode for your boy Blake.

Becca’s family is like sucks that you have to make this decision, best of luck to ya. Becca asks what her dad would think and her mom’s like he’d want you to be happy. NO SHIT.

Becca’s last date with Garrett is on a yacht and they talk about how lucky they are and stop all serious conversation to squeal over dolphins swimming by. Ugh we get it you’re happy and lucky and everything’s peachy on your free trip to the Maldives. Later Garrett and Becca talk about how they touched all night at their slumber party.

garrett

Becca’s legs send mixed signals her on her last date with Blake. She wrapped her legs around both SO HOW WILL WE KNOW WHO SHE CHOOSES?! Blake says they constantly challenge each other, which makes it very obvious now that it’s been said 10 times about their relationship that the producer has fed them this phrase. Blake gives her a homemade time capsule of their time together. YOIKES.

blakedate

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison is here to tell us that what we are about to see, he HAS NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS, GUYS. PREPARE YOURSELVES. Spoiler alert: Becca dumps Blake and he leaves. Nothing out of the ordinary, just like every single finale. I would ask how this MF’er Chris Harrison sleeps at night feeding us such bullshit lies to try and up the dramatics but I already know the answer to that. He’s rich and famous AF.

Anyway, Becca allows Blake to go to the proposal spot and give his whole speech and Becca looks nothing short of uncomfy throughout the whole thing. Then Becca takes over and basically only speaks in past tense. She says she pictured this moment with him the whole time, which is a real dick thing to say to someone who’s not getting the moment. Not only is the guy getting his heart stomped on but also he has to do it in a full suit in the tropical heat, roasting like a giant sweaty pig. Everyone cries, or just like, sweats from their eyes, who knows.

blake

Cut to Chris Harrison live in the studio with Blake, torturing him for our entertainment. I HOPE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS, CHRIS. Blake obviously is having a hard time but felt reassured that their love was real from watching this season back. Nothing notable happens with him and Becca onstage, except for Chris Harrison awkwardly pointing out his “support system.” Hey cameras, pan over there and show that Blake has people here for him so he doesn’t off himself:

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He just is genuinely sad and heartbroken and wants Becca to be happy. I’m gonna go on the record and say that Blake is not the next Bachelor.

She picks Garrett because he reminds her of her dad. I’m just gonna let that sit there. This is the ring. Also gonna let that sit there. Cough cough, Blake’s was better cough.

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IRL, Chris Harrison asks when Garrett knew Becca was the one and he answered “Yeah.” Sweet. They’re sooo happy and in love and Garrett’s sorry for being offensive on Instagram and OF COURSE THEY’RE MOVING TO LA. Chris Harrison surprises them with a 1980’s minivan and Garrett says let’s do the damn thing. KILL ME FOREVER RIGHT NOW. THE END.

PS if you want a good chuckle, look up Garrett’s wedding photos from his last marriage. BECCA 1.0, YO. The two women could be identical twins. K, byeeeeeeeeeeee.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Don’t Be Like Arie

Blakey-Face

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Per Bachelorette tradition in Thailand, Becca takes Blake to the sacred temples, where they cannot touch or kiss, WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY THE HARDEST THING EITHER OF THEM HAS EVER DONE. Not trying to bone each other for like a half hour is rrrrrlllllyyyy difficult. Ugh. New couples are the WERST. They learn about true love from an actor pretending to be a religious affiliate because something tells me the actual Buddhists of Thailand weren’t looking to become reality TV stars in America. Just a hunch. Afterward, Blake brings it up that he can’t ignore the fact that she’ll be having sex with others the very same weekend. Becca reassures him that they have the most solid relationship (liar liar pants on fire.) Literally all they talk about before and after the sex is how insecure Blake is. Props to Becca for not slipping and telling him she loves him like a dummy, making it much, much worse. Girls are so much smarter than guys—cough cough Ben Higgins.

Gordon Bombay

jason

Becca and Jason dance in a street fair because they’re ADVENTUROUS. They eat CRICKETS and pretend to LIKE THEM! But then the date takes an unexpected turn and I’m not talking about cricket-induced diarrhea. Becca has a nervous breakdown and leaves Jason to vent to a producer. She said talking about their future home together made her feel weird. Seems pretty clear cut what’s happening here but obviously it gets dragged the hell out. At dinner, Jason tells Becca how much he loves her and she leaves the table once again to cry about how it doesn’t feel right. When Becca finally returns to dump him he says are you confident you don’t see a future with us and she goes I’m not confident, I just see it more with the other guys. YIKES. Go home, Jason. That’s rough. He tries to fight for more time and she gives a hard no. Jason’s a stone cold gent and wishes her happiness, no tears or dramatics. I’m pretty sure Becca cries harder than when Arie dumped her, which seems like a little much. She also compares herself to Arie, which is even more than a little much. Girl. Arie dumped you on TV after proposing to you and then wouldn’t leave and just awkwardly watched you cry. Don’tchu ever compare yourself to that hot mess. He also has a real problem with making pregnancy jokes about his future wife, which is alarming at best. Find a new practical joke, A-Money. Becca, you’re better than this.

Chriiiiiiiis Farley

Garrett and Becca stand on a bamboo float and are surrounded by 100 million other people doing the same thing. I tried paddleboarding for the first time a few weeks ago and if there were that many people around and watching me I would’ve just spun right around and immersed myself in the sand instead. Although, if we’re being honest there were quite a bit of people out and I was too scared to stand up so I basically used it like a kayak so I wasn’t judged by the fit-mom doing headstands while singing Moana on her board. FTR, that story was not exaggerated and I wish it was.

Garrett’s biggest fear is being engaged or married again and having it not work out. Gr8 thing to tell a girl a week before you’re expected to propose. After a super long and boring conversation (sry I still can’t with him), Garrett tells Becca he’s in love with her. They bang stay over in a jungle tree house. If the person I was going to marry ever made me camp out for our first romantic night togets, heads would roll. Becca tells us that she’s in love with Garrett too. HMMMM. Garrett blows the most awkward kiss ever to Becca and won’t stop bobbling his head. GAWD HE’S ANNOYING.

treehouse

Jason comes back for closure because he left WAAYYYY too easy. It’s basically just a longer version of what already happened before. And he gives Becca a scrapbook of them. What a prince. If princes had stupid hair.

Since I spent a good amount of time shitting on Becca’s dumb-ass sparkly club dresses all season long, I would like to throw some props her way because Thailand agrees with her. The florals, tie-dye and even her red off the shoulder dress at the rose ceremony. ON POINT, GURL. Almost makes up for her 8 episodes of Vegas showgirl getups. Also this rose ceremony was as useless as this entire episode was. Solid two hours of filler TV. So glad I could be here for it. Garrett does a QUEER ass toast at the end that literally just pisses Blake off because he’s not the only one in love with her. Off to the Maldives next! But first, douchnozzles tell all~~!

PS: since the leg wrap jump has become a prominent thing this szn, let’s analyze. She jumped into Blake AND Garrett’s arms and tried to crawl up inside of them, but Jason just got a hug–feet firmly planted on the ground. We should’ve known right from the start of that date that ole Slick was doomed.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Wanna Find My Person

Mantacea, CA with Garrett

Garrett’s family owns an agricultural business. He shows her a “planter” and I shoot up off my couch in cold sweats suffering from severe Farmer Chris Soules PTSD. Don’t do this to me, ABC. Put farming in the grave next to Chris Soules’ clean driving record. BOOM. ROASTED.

chris soules

Garrett walks into his living room like he’s headlining at a comedy club. The energy and the applause in the room is so ridiculous I feel like I’m watching an SNL sketch. And no, that’s not a compliment to your dumb Chris Farley impression, Garrett. Obviously the whole family is like don’t break Garrett’s heart like that dumb betch ex-wife of his. Garrett’s mom is talked up as a tough mama bear and she couldn’t have been softer. Everyone approves of Becca, of course. Becca says it all feels like it’s falling into place.

Buffalo, NY with Jason

Jason takes Becca to a wing contest with what appears to be all college kids. Becca passes the test that it’s blue cheese only with buff wangz and thank God because I thought the city of Buffalo was going to have to kick her out for being such a n00b. If you eat ranch with wings you have garbage taste buds and that seems pretty obvious. Then they go ice-skating and apparently my Mighty Ducks reference has been even more spot-on than I thought as Jason shows off his knuckle puck skillz.

wings

Jason’s whole story with his family is that he’s guarded and will not be able to open up in time. Jason thinks love is missing Becca when she’s in a different room and basically talks himself into telling her he loves her. Even his mom was like u sure, bro? Either way, he tells her.

 Bailey, CO with Blake

Blake brings Becca to his high school for a makeout sesh and to show her that he’s still down with his old teachers and coaches…well some of them. Remember when Blake shared last week that his mom had an affair with his coach and I compared his life to a TV show? Well that’s got nothing on this week as he takes Becca to the library and tells her he survived a school shooting at that very high school. Holy bananas. No joke his life is a teen drama TV show. I mean that literally looks like the exact library Peyton hid out with Lucas while her leg bled out. But quick turn, in the gym Betty Who is casually performing a concert. Was there any significance of Betty Who in a Colorado high school orrrrr? Also if you had forced me to name this artist without Becca announcing it or even one of her songs I would’ve failed miserably. Seems like Becca was her number one fan though with that grade A sing-along.

blake

Blake is happy and in love and his parents see it but think his heart is gonna get stomped on, so they also pretend to be hard asses with Becca and ask how she feels. When will parents on this show understand that the girl is never gonna tell them who she’s going to choose at hometowns. Get your heads out of your asses. Also if you’re paying close attention, the one whose family keeps talking about how worried they are that he’s falling too fast will one HUNDO percent get his heart DESTROYED. So there’s that unfortunate incident to look forward to, which will probably lead to him finding redemption after heartache by being the next Bachelor.

blakes mom

Another Colorado town with Colton

Colton takes Becca shopping for gifts to bring to the children’s hospital with him. Really laying it on thick here. He’s a sweetie with the sick kids and Becca’s ovaries grew three sizes. Sorry did I say ovaries? I meant her boner. Except as much as she wants to scoop Colton’s virginity, she also wants him to know she’s concerned he’s never been in another serious relationship.

kids

Colton gathers his entire extended family for a hang. How overwhelming must that be to meet a guy’s 3rd cousins on TV? Colton looks for props from his dad for communicating about Tia like an adult. He could not have asked for daddy’s approval harder. Also, why does Colton’s dad know about Tia if all they did was smooch one time? HMMmm. Becca says she wants to find her person to the zillionth parent tonight and I’m about to go insane. Does Grey’s Anatomy get a cut from the Bachelor every week for the amount that they call someone their person? Gawd that’s obnoxious. Also I’ve probably legitimately asked that before because that’s how much the phrase is used on this show. Anyway, moving on to Becca discussing Colton’s virginity with his mom. YIKES. Colton tells Becca that he loves her.

Becca meets up with her fake girl gang that just want more screen time and aren’t her actual best friends. She recaps what’s been going on for this group of over-actors. She announces that Jason is the best kisser in the world, which makes me hope that her future husband doesn’t watch this back because it sure as shit ain’t Jason. Tia interrupts Becca MID-SENTENCE while she’s talking about Colton to have a private chat, allowing for the girls to practice their best Whitney Port shocked faces. And that is how we know whatever confession will follow is sure to be ridiculous if she couldn’t let Becca get through a sentence. Tia confides in Becca that she still has feelings for Colton and it makes her sick that Becca’s considering him. WELL TIA YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE YOU BIG DUMMY. Obviously now Becca feels like a pile of hot garbage for stealing her “friend’s” man. I think I hate Tia now.

Right before his fate is sealed, Colton asks Chris what REALLY goes on in the fantasy suite because he’s nervous about putting out. Chris is like we’re not Pornhub bro, when the door closes you can do whatever. (Until Mike Fleiss makes a show about that too.)

Rose Ceremony: Blake, Jason & Garrett

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelorette – She’s Not My Person

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Becca wants to move to the Bahamas. Becca is all of us. Except for the part where she gets paid to go there and mack a bunch of dudes. In the Chris and Becca weekly gab sesh; Becca declares that she wants no drama this week. Something tells me there will be drama. Chris Harrison does a dumb analogy about Las Vegas and betting even though they’re in the Bahamas and he asks Becca to bet on the outcome of this journey. She bets she’ll be engaged. No shit.

Becca drops in on the boys and requests hugs from all like she’s picking up her kids from school at the end of the day. She announces that there will be four dates and no rose ceremony so BUCKLE UP. Colton’s up first, which gives the remaining butthurt bruhs plenty of time to talk shit about the Coltmaster being a virgin and how he should go home. Meanwhile, Becca drools all over Colton’s body for like a solid amount of time. Girl needs that D. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a female openly slobber that hard in Bachelorette history. Just when Colton’s going to confess to his chastity ring, a Bahamian wearing a white crop top cut like a paper snowflake you used to make for your bedroom window, interrupted to send them diving for conches, which HILARIOUSLY sounds like COCKS.

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A bunch of terrible sexual innuendos follow. It pains me to think that whoever writes these scripts actually thinks these are funny. LOLOL Colton’s a virgin so let’s have the two of them make some cock jokes and slurp something as an “aphrodisiac”.

FINALLY, Colton spills the beans about his lack of sexual activity. Becca appears to not take the virg news so well by saying, “REALLY?!” then excusing herself for a second to fake cry about it (?) When she returns (offering no explanation as to why she ran away) he talks about how hard it was being an athlete and a virgin. Boohoo. He wants his virginity to be a gift for someone. Becca wants to accept that gift so she gives him a rose. If I were Colton I’d be like wait a minute you just made me feel like a piece of trash by walking away when I confessed something embarrassing so I don’t want that rose. But Colton is dumb and so is this show. Also not for nothing but I’d stay woke on this whole virginity thing. Colton’s got charm and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not 1 hundo percent true.

 Love is in the Air with Garrett

They fly over the islands and Garrett is annoying. I’m sorry. I just really don’t like the guy. And I’m willing to bet he wins too. They make out a lot on a private beach and fornicate on a tree swing. Later, Becca toasts him and says thanks for a great day, I have fun with you and Garrett replies you’re really good at that. What’s she good at, Garrett? Forming sentences? Turns out the last girl who met his family was his ex-wife and he hasn’t really dated since then. Becca is like we’ve had the same romantic history basically and roses him.

You Make My Heart Skip a Beat with Blake

HOT start to this date with the return of the Baha Men’s greatest hit Who Let the Dogs Out….who.who.who.who. Oh apparently they’ve got a new song! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Blake and Becca dance awkwardly as only white people can to island music with that much flavor. If we’re being honest this new beat’s got nothing on a song comparing letting dogs loose to the start of a party. I am hashtag grateful that the Baha Men were able to come out of retirement for this d list free concert for TV. WHAT HAVE THESE CRAZY GUYS BEEN UP TO FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS?!

baha

Anyway, Blake opens up about his mom having an affair with his bball coach when he was in high school. YIKES. Reminds me of that show Life As We Know It, which obviously got cancelled, but starred early 00’s babe sodas Missy Peregrym and Sean Faris. Spoiler alert: he finds his mom sleeping with his hockey coach in like the first episode. Then DRAMA ensues. Anyway, look it up. That show is 1 trillion times better than this one. It also had a PRETTY steamy teacher student affair. Dirty stuff for primetime TV. Jus sayin. Anyway, Blake is in love with Becca and I’m pretty sure he was the first to say it. OBVIOUSLY he gets the rose and Becca admits to us that she’s also in love with him and sees him as her husband. Took it one step to far Bex, don’t get ahead of yourself here with 4 guys left.

These Days Are Never Easy with Wills, Leo and Jason

The guys run at Becca who is wearing an all denim whoutfit. Who has been dressing her this season? Because I’ve had enough. There’s never a need to wear matching white shorts and denim jacket with white sneakers. Thankfully the jacket is ditched for a friendly game of beach volleyball with the whole gang. She’s having a blasty blast but we all know how this is going to go. She’s friend zoned Wills and Leo and Syracuse.com spoiled a home visit with Jason roughly 4 months ago. Leo says he feels behind on the relationship front, and Becca spins the breakup making it sound like it was his fault for being honest. Goodbye you beautiful man bun. At night, Becca gets frustrated with asshole Coach Bombay for not opening up and telling her he’s falling for her like everyone else has. He feeds her some bullshit about being hurt before. Wills wears the hell out of a Hawaiian shirt. Wish he could’ve come to my Hawaiian themed birthday party. Him and the Baha Men. Could’ve been a real rager. Wills gets sent home but we know he won’t be lonely for long because he’s adorable and dresses well and is super sweet and oh ok as I was typing this sentence it was announced he’ll be on paradise of course. NEXT WEEK: HOMETOWNS and more Colton/Tia drama that no one saw coming except everyone did because there’s clearly more to that story. TOLD YOU TO STAY WOKE ON COLTON, GUYS.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Was Gonna Open Up

Full Discloszh: I missed the first hour of last week’s episode and rather than somehow make it up to write the recap, I decided I had 0.0% desire to do that. SARRRYYY.

becca

Richmond, VA

This bum ass town is apparently known for love. Cause they have a statue that spells out love. Becca sits down with Chris Harrison to tell him she has baby fever and is already feeling love. (Say love again.) One step at a time, girl.

Life is full of surprises with Jason

I was shoving ravioli in my mouth and when I came to, I realized that Lincoln and Chris were bitching at each other about body shaming. I have no clue what was happening or how this started but I do know that everyone hates these two and they’re shouting at each other as they’re basically touching thighs on the couch. It makes no sense. How can two men be so heated, but still be rubbing limbs casually? EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

jason

Jason and Becca’s date is basically a Mad Libs. They bake donuts in a church, make out in a coffin and kick it with a bunch of Goths talking about death. This date BLOWS. Becca’s got the hornies for Jason’s kisses. I was just about to shit all over Becca’s terrible surprises but then she actually stepped it up by bringing his friends out to meet him. Becca gets really deep with slick’s friends. She’s like is he a good partner and they’re like yeah.

Later on, Jason basically tells us that his grandparents are Allie and Noah Calhoun and how inspiring it was to watch his grandma go through that and how it makes him more appreciative of life. Becca opens up about her dad taking his last breath. Yikes that got real, real quick. Jason gets rosed because they connected on a deeper level. Tongues.

Let’s Make History with Colton, Blake, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, Chris

The boys have to do a mock debate in the Beccalection because Becca is looking for her “running mate.” BLOW MY BRAINS OUT. They’re put on the hot spot for relationship questions. All of the guys that we already know are making it to the finals give practical answers about puppies and love. This week’s villains that we most certainly don’t need use the debate to shout at each other about fat shaming again. GIVE IT A REST, BOYS.

chris

Just when I think we’re done with a history lesson lurking in my weekly binge of trash TV, one bored cameraman decides to focus on the creepy paintings in this random house. Every few seconds our retinas are treated to a super zoom into a pair of dead oil painted eyes on the wall. While this is giving me nightmares, Becca is hearing that Chris is a loose cannon and he denies it. Then goes downstairs and blasts off all over everyone, loose cannon style. WHO’S LYING AND WHO ISN’T? Who cares, just mute the TV and feast your peepers at Connor rocking nerdy, sexy, chic in those glasses.

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Garrett’s mad because he was gonna open up to her and everyone F’ed that up for him. Becca watches them all bitch at each other but pretends she didn’t. Colton gets the rose for literally no reason.

The World is our Oyster with Leo

The minute Leo got a date card I guessed he was going home. Then they hugged and all of the moisture was sucked out of Becca’s vagina, I assume by the radiating lack of chemistry. Becca is emotionally drained, which I feel like she’s trying to blame for not being sexually attracted to a guy who has the same hair as Slash. He does rock a sick man bun though. I’ll give him that. They grab oysters out of the sea. Becca keeps saying that she should like Leo but none of us missed her dodging her head away at one point when he tried to kiss her cheek.

oysters

At dins, Becca wears a dress that Forever 21 sells right around NYE for hoochie girls watching the ball drop at a club, blackout smooching a stranger while Aviici (may he rest in peace) bumps over the speakers. Leo talks about being a failure in his dad’s eyes because he didn’t pursue baseball. He tears up and Becca comforts him. In an actual twist of events, Leo gets the rose. Seriously does she even enjoy kissing him? OMG IS THAT A COUNTRY STAR PERFORMING THEIR LOVE SONG THEY WANT TO MAKE BIG AND THEN OMG IS THAT LEO AND BECCA DANCING IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE? Becca. Burn that dress. I’m embarrassed that you wore it to a country councert, staged or not. A bunch of 13 year olds grind up on the two of them awkwardly and whisper to Becca that they really like her dress.

Connor and Jason talk about how volatile Chris is while he writes a letter and according to the background music, plots a murder. Apparently Becca doesn’t feel safe enough to even stay in the same hotel as creepy Chris so he has to walk across town to find her, uninvited. Chris menacingly walks the streets in his camel colored pea coat and matching suede booties. He tells Becca he wants to marry her and she’s like nah, I’m good. Cameldick stomps out and doesn’t let her walk him out or say a proper goodbye. Becca feels great about sending him packing as she should because he was acting like a total psychopath.

All the guys take turns regurgitating scripted lines about how important cocktail parties are, which obviously means Chris Harrison will announce that it’s cancelled. Try to keep up.

Roses: James, Colton, Leo, Garrett, Blake & Wills

Don’t worry everyone, Connor and his trendy specs will have a ticket to Paradise and that is the most obvious.

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The Bachelorette – Captain UNDApants

becca

“I’m like a sponge, you can squeeze me and get everything out of me… But you’ll never know until you try.”

Back at our SUPER dramatic cocktail party that was to be continued for no reason, Blake and Becca talk about what they’ll name their 5 children. They’re vibin real hard because they both like guys names for girls. Little Stevie and lil Charlie will one day watch their parent’s love story unfold on TV. Jordan insinuates that in a quick chatski with God, he made David’s injury happen. Ok, creep. As a reward, Becca gives Jordan some gold shiny nut huggers. David comes back looking BEAT. He’s got a busted nose, black/bloodshot eye and possible missing teeth. Bruh. Why even return? Jordan piles on right away for his ugly face. Becca’s all, “DAVID, REMEMBER ME?!” No, Becca, he fell off a bunk bed and has memory loss like Michelle falling off her horse in the series finale of Full House. She gives him a rose because he smashed his entire face off from sleeping too hard.

Rose Ceremony: Colton, Chris, David, Jason, Wills, Nick (in a jumpsuit), Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, Jean-Blanc

 Park City, Utah

As soon as she steps foot into this winter wonderland, I am immediately bitter. Adorbs cozy sweater, rustic lodge with a fireplace, cute little snowflakes flurrying around her as she looks at the snowy mountains on her rich ass balcony. WANNA KNOW WHAT WINTER IS RLY LIKE? Slushy and freezing and not wanting to leave your apt for 5 months. This is an LA person’s winter fantasy and I’m here to tell the truth. Winter isn’t a dream.

Bobsled Time with Garrett

garrett

Becca & Garrett start the day off doing a classic goofing off in stores montage. They go for a ride on the ski lift. Becca notes that she hasn’t been on a ski lift since she was 12 and she goes now I’m 28…how long is that? Which reminds me of the time this year that I said N*SYNC was first popular in 1998 and asked my boyfriend how long ago that was. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who’s dumb at numbers. They’re going bobsledding with Olympians. Fun fact, the two Olympians fell in love in the bobsled and now they have two kids. So, bobsled=love. Also, they gave a whole speech about teamwork but really Becca and Garrett just get driven in a bobsled by a pro. LAME. I wanted to see two amateurs take a sled for a spin down an ice luge. Call me reckless but that would’ve made much better TV.

Back at the house Lincoln who beats women and poops on the floor, also argues that the earth is flat. Yes, let’s listen to this jabroni.

Later on, Becca tells Garrett that he reminds her of her dad. Garrett’s only been in love once when he was fresh out of college and they got married and divorced. They were married for a brief 2 months before getting divorced. This gives Becca the scaries. What she learns is that Garrett’s ex wife was emotionally abusive and he didn’t want to get divorced but realized she was the wrong woman for him. Becca’s all, you’re loyal AF and I want this. She roses Garrett and what do you think they do next? They obviously walk on over to an impromptu Granger Smith concert. Because what would a one on one date be without a lesser-known country musician and a staged slow dance at a concert?

 I’m Yelling Timber with David, Lincoln, Connor, Christon, Colton, Jean Blanc, James, John, Jordan, & Leo

A real life lumberjack piles onto the “I met my sig other in my profession” contrived storyline. In a surprising turn of events, the bobsledders were lesbians but the female lumberjack wasn’t. The men have to show that they’re good at chopping wood. It’s straight out of Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Super embarrassing for the guys that couldn’t make a dent. Nerdy John ends up lifting the log and I was like YEAH JOHN, YOU SHOW THEM, YOU BIG NERD. Then he said I lifted a log, woohoo, with a stupid victory dance and I immediately regretted cheering for him. They all button up their Old Navy flannels and clip on some suspenders to compete in a log-festive competition. Looks like splinter city, tbh. John wins the Golden Axe. Well-deserved cause how the hell did he win a physical competition with these meatheads.

golden axe

Jason says he cares for Becca and then kisses THE WEIRDEST. He moves his head but not his mouth. Huh? Jordan strips down to his golden undies and tries to make out with Becca who visibly cringes and says I can’t. Way to keep up the façade that you’re keeping Jordan here for yourself and not because producers want him around for entertainment/a fiery 2 on 1 date with David. Colton takes Jordan aside to tell him that he’s acting like a clown. He’s protecting Becca, of course. Jean-Blanc gives Becca her own fragrance called Miss Becca Blanc and then whispers in her ear that he wants to kiss her. Becca has never been more turned off. I literally felt the sahara dry heat comnig off of her vagina during that kiss. He gets interrupted and Becca is relieved but since he’s tone deaf, he comes back for round 2. He tells Becca he’s falling in love with her and there’s actual crickets. OBVIOUSLY Becca says she doesn’t see a future with him. As she’s walking him out he asks why the perfume didn’t work and that he lied about loving her. Becca goes on an honesty rampage at the guys. NO ROSES FOR YOU DIRTY LIARS.

Snowmobiling with Wills

wills

Becca’s crying about last night still but says she doesn’t want to ruin the date. Wills just wants to make Becca smile. What a cutie patootie. They share some respectful, polite kisses and it makes me happy. At night, Wills opens up about how he thought he found his person and his heart was broken. BITCH ASKED FOR A HALL PASS AND STEPPED OUT ON HIM!!! He’s afraid of not being enough, as one would be when their past girlfriend was a two timin’ hoe. He gets rosed and they make out against a lovely stone wall.

NO COCKTAIL PARTY BECAUSE THIS EPISODE STARTED WITH A ROSE CEREMONY AND WE’RE CUT FOR TIME. (Also not to brag but I’ve gotten to the point where Chris Harrison walks into the room and I can say verbatim what he’s going to say. As soon as he strolled in post-date, I was like well there’s no cocktail party tonight because Becca is sure of what she wants to do. Do I get an award for predicting everything ever that happens on this show? I wish I did.)

Rose Ceremony: Garrett, Wills, Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David, Jordan

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – No Spring Chicken

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All the guys in the house are apparently besties except for Jordan, who has to eat his breakfast in the corner of the kitchen, facing the backsplash tile. This sets the tone for the MOST DRAMATIC episode ever. And by MOST DRAMATIC, I of course mean that the editors cut shit together for a full two hours to make us believe everything was drama and conflict and I am NOT here for it. STAY WOKE, BACH NATION. Let’s dissect this pile of shit.

It’s Time to Relax with Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean-Blanc & Colton

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Becca NEEDS her girls to help her and support her for this date. How shitty would you feel if you were Becca’s ACTUAL best friends and your opinion is basically dirt because you’re not part of Bach Nation looking to grab every minute of screen time possible? Anyway, true to Bachelor incest, we found out that Colton and Tia have previously “dated” and Tia claims that he went on the show hoping she was the Bachelorette, which is a real bitch thing to say to your “close friend.” When the guys walk in it’s ALL SORTS of awkward. It’s even more awkward when Becca forgets Jason’s name. How is it remotely possible that she remembers any of these boners names? It’s episode 3. Cut her some slack. The boys change into spa employee uniforms and Jason/Colton have a heart to heart near a soothing waterfall over this stupid thing that they’re going to draw out for as long as possible. The girls let the guys do their nails, which stresses me out to no end. I don’t even like letting the lady at the nail salon do my nails let alone those slob kebabs. Becca takes Tia aside. Her and Colton apparently only kissed but Becca still wah wah’s about it. They awkwardly stare at each other and say they love each other. BFFS CAN’T BE FORCED. CUT IT OUT, ABC, THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.

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In the evening, Jordan talks about his Tinder game being strong and David turns around and blabs it to Becca. She rolls out and is all, “4 thousand Tinder matches? High five, bud!” But since she can’t cut Jordan because he’s good TV, Becca says she’s just joking and s’all good. In Jordan’s apology he says being a model is tough. He’s a golden retriever in relationships and is looking for a girl with a bright smile. These are all word for word things he said. Is Jordan annoying? Sure. Is David’s stuttering and tattling like a 2 year old 1000x more annoying? Also yes. All of these men whining with full-on manis officially sends me over the edge. And finally, Becca ends this bullshit Tia conflict with Colton by getting the F over it and giving him the rose, because OBVIOUSLY she wants to bang Colton, or like have a makeout sesh if this virgin storyline is real.

Let’s Make Your Heart Sing with Chris

Becca and Chris go to Capitol City Records and Richard Marx is playing piano. Becca asks him to play THE ONLY SONG I can name by Richard Marx. He has her sing it. I cringe into the ground. He’s apparently been sent to write their love song. Drama though, songwriting digs up Chris’ daddy issues and fear of being vulnerable. He walks out of the studio to have some alone time. Becca smooches the courage back into him and he crushes it of course. Richard sings their lyrics while they slow dance and make out. Speaking of Richard, I’ve never seen a man show less emotion. Kind of an odd pick to coach vulnerability and songwriting. At dinner, Chris tells Becca about writing a letter to his dad and never hearing back. Becca understands and roses him. They slow dance to Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx. Again, does he have to repeat this song because it was his only hit orrrr?

dry richard

Sounds kind of boring, right? Not anymore because in one quick jump we’re suddenly seeing David being carried out on a stretcher and there’s blood everywhere. Casually. They flash a solo shot of Jordan kicked back on the couch to insinuate he murdered David in cold blood. Every season we see an ambulance scene in the teaser that is supposed to make us believe the men fought and it is ALWAYS a fakeout. So taking it one step further and just tossing this scene in out of nowhere then trying to lead us to believe Jordan killed David is the farthest I will allow ABC to take this farce. Enough is enough. We return from commercial to the guys LITERALLY mopping up blood and describing David’s conditions and questioning if he’s alive. IF HE IS ALIVE. Chris visits Becca to give her the news. Becca goes WHO DID THAT and Chris Harrison responds with, “he fell out of bed and landed on his face.” How on earth did Chris deliver that line without hysterically laughing? Becca calls him and is like we totally won’t tell America that you almost killed yourself sleeping LOLOLOL just kidding cat’s out of the bag! SO IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, AN ALREADY ANNOYING GUY DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SLEEP IN A BUNK BED AND FELL, BREAKING HIS NOSE AND APPARENTLY BLEEDING OUT ALL OVER THE MANSION. Don’t worry though. He’s coming back because he can’t miss his five minutes of fame. And now Becca can’t even cut him out of pity. Because he fell out of bed. And ended up in the ICU. This show is slowly killing me.

We Can Tackle Anything Together with Clay, Garrett, Leo, Christon, Bryan, John, Mike, Lincoln, Connor & Blake

Becca enlists the support from the Legends football league for this date and I honestly have no clue what that even is. Either way, Becca is surprised to see another side to Clay. He was a professional football player. What is surprising that he’s good at football? (I will redact this later.) The guys tackle each other and Becca soaks her athleisure on the sidelines. In ambulance drama part 2; Clay has a wrist injury and needs to be taken to the ER. I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE OVER THE MEDICAL DRAMATICS. Act like normal humans and spend 6 weeks without needing to be rushed to a hospital, guys.

Later, Garrett lifts Becca in the air and she’s like put me down, my bhole is out. Blake gets in his head about going from a one on one to a group date. He calls Becca his girlfriend and she mounts him. Judging by how giddy Blake makes her, we are to assume he’s getting rosed. But THEN, Clay, who couldn’t attend at first because he was getting a soft cast velcroed on his wrist, surprisingly shows up in a sling and gets the rose, pity style.

Cocktail Hour

Clay does some soul searching because he needs a surgery immediately to “save” his wrist. He needs to decide if he wants to stay for Becca or leave for football. CLAY. IF YOU GOT INJURED IN A PICKUP GAME, YOU NEVER HAD A FOOTBALL CAREER TO BEGIN WITH. GOODBYE, LEGO HEAD. FOREVER. Becca cries to the camera and says she has nothing left and she’s just done. I’ll bet you 1 million dollars she was talking about ANYTHING else or her sentence was edited to that because there is no way on this planet that she’s that torn up about Clay leaving. I’ll tell you what I am done with is starting the cycle of rose ceremonies at the beginning of an episode. BOOOOOOO to this week’s episode. Next week better dazzle the shit out of me or include all of the Jordan one-liners in the world or I’M OUT.

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