JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 3, 2020

1. Feel Good Friday.

View this post on Instagram

(1/11) “It was just a normal morning. Almost exactly five years ago. I was making tea in the kitchen. Bobby was still in bed. And we get this knock on the door. I opened it up slowly, and saw the police standing there. At first I wasn’t worried. We had this crazy lady that lived next door, and the police were always checking up on her. So I assumed they had the wrong address. But the moment I opened the door, twelve officers came barging past me. Some of them had ‘FBI’ written on their jackets. They went straight back to the bedroom, and walked up to Bobby. I heard them ask: ‘What’s your name?’ And he said, ‘Bobby Love.’ Then they said, ‘No. What’s your real name?’ And I heard him say something real low. And they responded: 'You've had a long run.' That’s when I tried to get into the room. But the officer kept saying: ‘Get back, get back. You don’t know who this man is.’ Then they started putting him in handcuffs. It didn’t make any sense. I’d been married to Bobby for forty years. He didn’t even have a criminal record. At this point I’m crying, and I screamed: ‘Bobby, what’s going on?’ Did you kill somebody?’ And he tells me: ‘This goes way back, Cheryl. Back before I met you. Way back to North Carolina.’”

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on

It’s very rare of me to highlight a non-celebrity warm and fuzzy but this one was all the buzz this week and ties into the pop culture world because Jennifer Garner, who has created quite an Insta presence for herself, was commenting all over this, eating this shit right up. And if Jen loves it, we all love it. Humans of NY is an account that highlights regular ass people just trollin around that big, dirty city and gives us their usually heart-warming story. This one was a real nail-biter and had to be delivered in 11 parts. (Click on the insta name to see full story because I’m not about to be posting 11 instas in this blog) In summary, Cheryl and Bobby were married for 40 years, had four children together and the entire time Cheryl had no clue that Bobby was really Walter and a fugitive of the law. NBD. Cheryl loves Bobby anyway and forgave him, teaching us all a very important lesson: there are few Cheryls in this world and you better snatch that shit up and lock her down because anyone who stands by her mans after finding out he is LITERALLY a different person is the true definition of a ride or die. Or, in the words of Jennifer Garner “Cheryl is the American Wife. I can’t even take it.”

2. Surprise Baby.

View this post on Instagram

Remember that project I said I was working on…? The one I told you was my favorite thing I’ve ever been apart of and it killed me to keep it a secret from u…?? Welp, @meganparkitthere and I have kept it to ourselves long enough. Everyone… meet the newest member of our crew, our daughter, Winnie Hilton. 🥰🥰🥰 It feels like we’ve known her our whole lives already and being her Dad the most natural thing I’ve ever done. To say I’m obsessed doesn’t quite do it justice. Meg was incredible, both she and Winnie are doing great, and just like that…we’re a family!! So heads up, go ahead and click Unfollow if you’re NOT interested in seeing me go full Dad on here for awhile… cause that’s what’s going down haha. Until the next record… which even then might be a kids record!! IM OBSESSED!

A post shared by Tyler Hilton (@tylerhilton) on

One Tree Hill’s very own Chris Keller and The Secret Life of the American Teenager’s very own Grace had a surprise baby. At first I was like WHAT THE HELL she’s been posting and she never once looked pregnant how did she keep this under wraps?! Then I realized that when you’re a D list celebrity doing hallmark movies, it’s really very quite simple to hide a pregnancy. I learned this when I saw a headline that said Tyler Hilton and Megan Park are actually married. And I laughed so hard. Favorite part about the ole celebrity surprise baby…no one even knew these two were married and they have been since 2015 lololololol. CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY AND MARRIAGE, GUYS!!!

3. Barf All Over Me.

Screen Shot 2020-02-07 at 10.34.09 AM

I’m not even a little bit exaggerating when I say that I blew chunks all over my keyboard as soon as I feasted my eyes upon this travesty. I’ve shaded Post Malone a whole lot because I genuinely don’t get everyone’s fascination with him. He looks like he needs 100 showers and smells like a bong and is COVERED in tattoos and he basically just auto-tune sings about partying or being single. Syracuse likes to claim Posty as their own because he was born here even though he moved away before he was 10. SO that’s already embarrassing. And then on top of that everything that he does everyone is like OMG POST MALONE IS SO COOL AND HILARIOUS AND TALENTED. Well guess what. HE NOW HAS A BLOODY SAW ON HIS CHEEK. I had to choke back vomit actually typing that. Catchy music or not, I’m out on the face tat game, ESPECIALLY ones with DRIPPING. BLOOD.

4. Jacob in the Kissing Booth with Zendaya.

jacob-elordi-zendaya

Remember when I watched the Kissing Booth 900 times in one summer and wouldn’t stop talking about it to everyone I knew? Refresh your memory HERE . Most of the reason I loved it so much was because babe soda Jacob Elordi was dating Joey King IRL and it was such a precious love story. Obviously as adorable love stories do, that died real quick and I vowed to never watch the Kissing Booth sequel because obviously they would break up in the movie as well and I can’t handle anymore heartbreak. Well now Jacob stars in Euphoria and wouldn’t you know he’s dating his costar from the show, Zendaya. SHOWMANCE WHORE, MUCH?! I guess I’m still a little bitter about Elle and Flynn not making it for the long haul. Either way, what’s hilarious about Zendaya and Jacob dating is that they could not have denied it harder. When asked they were like, we’re just BFF’s, nothin to see here folks! Zendaya even went as far as doubling down that he’s like a brother to her.

Now I don’t have a brother, so please feel free to educate me on this matter, but do brothers and sisters make out on the streets of NYC? You can report back to me on that.

5. Weekend Beatz.

Lots of new music drops today that had my hips a’movin and I felt like why not just share them as a group so you can all groove into the weekend? We’ve got Meek Mill and JT. Never really been a fan of Meek, especially after Drake murdered him in a rap battle. #Neverforget Trigger fingers turn to Twitter fingers. But it’s JT. And apparently he took some time off of cheating on Jess to hit the studio and lay down some soulful croons with a guitar in a shirt that said “Did you miss me?” Uh yeah bitch, we did. Drop a new album, STAT.

Then we’ve got a little country flavor from ya boy Sam Hunt–I use the term country loosely of course because it’s Sam and he likes to insert hip hop flavors.

And last but certainly not least, a little ditty from Niall Horan about the joy of being in a relationship when you can fart in front of each other. Since I love music videos (and being disgusting), and Niall went from being the only 1D member with braces to this babe soda–he deserves his moment to shine.

 

BONUS: Don’t F**k With Cats: Hunting an Internet Killer

I know I’m late to the party because this came out over a month ago but I really didn’t want to ruin my holiday season with murder–just kidding, I was too busy telling anyone who would listen to me that Scott Peterson is innocent to really focus on any other murders at the time. I’m a one murder truther at a time kinda gal. So anyway, since I’ve been plowing through the entire Netflix library at lightning speed lately, I knew that Cats was next on the watch list. I obviously dropped a hint during TV time with the roomies so that I wouldn’t have to watch alone and be scared–there are far too many windows without curtains in my house. And so my dad and I fired it up this week and watched all three parts in one sitting. In the words of John Green (internet murder hunter) HOOOOOOLY SHIT this story was insane. I nearly crapped my pants in the last few minutes when they tie everything together. I will toss in the disclaimer that I don’t advise watching it before bed as I scampered upstairs and asked my parents if I could sleep in their room…but fortunately I did survive the night and now I can obnoxiously push it on everyone who hasn’t watched yet. Also, prepare yourself for someone who spent all of her free time on the internet with a fake name, manhunting a murderer, keeping files and spreadsheets on him and going down google maps streets to find the location of photos–to turn everything on you at the end and tell you that your interest in true crime docs is how murders happen. BOLD. So basically I’m responsible for LOTS of murders according to “Baudi Moovan”. K. Watch at your own risk, I guess.

Standard
Movies, Pop Culture

The Kissing Booth is a 10/10

It’s the movie that’s been sweeping the nation, the one you stumble into on Netflix then immediately text your close friends who also appreciate a good teen rom-com and they reply, “I’ve already watched it three times.” So why is a cheesy movie with subpar acting about 17 year olds falling in love after a first kiss in front of their entire school at a fundraising carnival all the rage? LET ME TELL YOU.

5. Friendship Goals. I feel like it’s impossible for a guy and a girl to be BFF’s without at some point there being feelings or weirdness and this movie proves that wrong. There were times that I questioned Lee’s sexuality, like when they had the classic dressing room scene or the fact that they love to dance together BUT I quickly let it go realizing that these two are just peas in a pod as besties. As Elle’s BFF should Lee maybe have not let her strut into the first day of school with her bhole hanging out? Yeah probably, but her dad didn’t stop her either so there was more than one offense on that. Lee makes Elle a hangover kit after the party, drives her ass everywhere and lets her third wheel at prom and all in all that’s a killer friend. Except for the whole, choose friendship over love, it’s goals all around.

elleskirt

bffs

4. They make high school look SUPER KEWL. As you guys might’ve inferred, I wasn’t the coolest cat in high school. In fact, I was much like Elle (personality wise…in no way was I stripping in front of the football team or banging the QB.) That being said, high school was just meh. We drank Barton’s vodka in our parent’s basements, which we referred to as St. Barts to feel classier because it was 100% rubbing alcohol and sometimes one of my friends would throw up or the cops would come. So watching this high school experience of parties in literal mansions and at the beach was a real TREAT. I never even knew you could combine slip n slide and flip cup and now I don’t want to do anything else ever again. HOW FUN ARE THEY?!

slipnslideflipcup

3. There isn’t JUST kissing. As an avid viewer of teen flicks, sometimes it makes me uncomfy that I’m in my mid-twenties watching high schoolers fall in love and ending the movie with a no-tongue kiss (this also applies to Hallmark movies.) Call it what you want but sometimes you just need a little 13 in your PG, which is why I appreciated the hell out of this movie. I was nervous when it started with Elle telling us how she’s never even been kissed. Then she gets tongued real hard by Flynn and hop, skip, jump they’re banging in front of the Hollywood sign. Whew. What a whirlwind. But thankfully this allowed for a CLASSIC rom com montage which included a lot of boning scenes, some of them pretty risque. Like doing it on the science lab tables at school? You go, girl! Get down with your skanky high school self. Guess that’s just what the youths are doing these days (look no further than a kissing booth where blindfolded teenagers lick each other for money) and I approve because sometimes that’s just what you need to spice things up and make us old people feel better about devoting a night (or three) to watching.

kissing

Screen Shot 2018-06-06 at 11.24.51 AM

2. FLYNN. I mean come on. As far as babe soda leading men goes, this guy is a specimen. I mean seriously who has abs that defined in high school? Besides the fact that he’s a total makeout whore and has questionable choice in women (facial piercing chick who tasted like cheetos), Flynn is the high school teen dream. He’s tall, he plays football and has a little bad boy side to him with the motorcycle and slight rage problem — that of course can be tamed by the right girl. But Flynn also has a sensitive side looking out for Elle, maybe being a little too protective at times. Realistically though, if Flynn didn’t stop this boner from dating Elle SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE.

tuppen

Either way, well done with this casting because it was perfection. At one point my sister and our friend (both in their 30’s) and I sat on the couch sighing over Flynn and then immediately questioned if it was legal to drool over an actor that young. Pretty sure he’s 21, so it’s legit, guys. No need to sound the alarms here.

noah

badboyflynnflynn

Also he was lookin REAL mature in that grey suit coat. SWOON.

Screen Shot 2018-06-06 at 11.19.30 AM

1.  Elle & Flynn are a real life love story. Once I finally convinced my sister to watch this movie, she went full obsession stalker mode and immediately followed all of the actors on Instagram and to her delighted surprise, discovered that Elle and Flynn are REAL LIFE DATING. So this is the love story that never ends and bonus points Flynn is Australian IRL so he has an adorbs accent and they’re probably going to get married and have Kissing Booth kids. Or like, this was just a set fling because they’re both still babies themselves. Side note: the only thing that grinds my gears about their relationship (movie OR IRL) is that she is barely above legal little person size and he’s like over 6 feet. As a tall girl whose always needed a male counterpart that’s taller than me, I find it downright selfish when I see short ass girls stealing the tall guys. YOU’RE SHORT, EVERY GUY IS TALLER THAN YOU!! TAKE SOME OF THE FIVE FOOTERS OFF THE MARKET AND LEAVE THE SIXERS FOR US GANGLERODS. End rant. (I’m obviously still bitter about the fact that she fits perfectly under his chin for a good ole chintuck snugg.)

Screen Shot 2018-06-06 at 11.20.35 AM

 

BONUS If you’re feeling uncomfortable about watching teenagers fall in love and obsessing over it like I did…you can at least appreciate the cliche bitchy girl group aptly named the “OMG’s” and laugh out loud at their HORRENDOUS acting. (Seriously, there’s something for everyone in this movie.) Anytime these three betches grace the screen we’re treated to a full zoom on their faces as well as every sentence ending in GURL. The party scene in particular is cringeworthy as “G” says HEYYYY GURRRRLLL, WHATS GUCCI?! and laughs hysterically at how cool she thinks she is. Remind me to never say Gucci again.

Standard