Laguna Beach, California with Amanda

Ben wears tight brown capris and perches atop a rock like he’s Ariel awaiting his prince to come ashore in Laguna Beach. He slides a fork through his hair and sings Part of Your World. Amanda enters stage left by running toward Ben on the beach in an off-the-shoulder peasant top that might have been featured on an epi of MTV’s Laguna back in 2004. Ben asks about Amanda’s kids and she unfortunately doesn’t lie. She tells Ben that her daughter has an attitude and really sells the whole becoming an instant dad scenario.

The kiddies arrive in matching outfits, pigtails & gladiator sandals that are taller than their legs. It seems a little inapprops for beach footwear for anyone, especially toddlers. Ben does the perfect “everything these kids do is adorbs” act and even fake chases them around/makes a shitty octopus in the sand and says it looks good. The worst thing about kids is how much they suck at everything and you have to tell them they’re amazing. What’s even worse is that Ben didn’t properly teach the little nugget how to wet the sand before sculpting.

On the drive back to Amanda’s parents’ house, one child with a whimsical and non-traditional name cries the whole way. No better way to dive into parenting than dealing with a screamer in an enclosed space! The visit with Gram and Gramps consists completely of Ben being lectured about the consequences of having a 3-week TV relationship turn into an engagement when two kids are involved…WOMP WOMPPP. Ben reads the little runts a bedtime story written by ABC about how Ben kisses a bunch of princesses in the same night to find his true love. There’s a group hug and they all live happily ever after. JK she’s toast. 

Portland, Oregon with Lauren

In the city of roses, Ben is wearing a dad blazer over a long sleeve shirt and when he uses a flight attendant metaphor to feed Lauren a grilled cheese I think it was my last straw. I can’t support Ben anymore. He’s such a lamewad. If anyone teased me with a grilled cheese, I’d bite their hand clean off their body.

The most embarrassing thing about Lauren’s family is that they call her LoLo; otherwise they’re pretty normz. Sis takes Ben aside and points out a number of reasons why Lauren’s such an F’ing catch and asks Ben what about Lauren stands out to him. Ben replies, I don’t know I just really like her. He realizes what a dumb answer this is so he starts crying and it works. Sis is sold. THE TEARS SAY IT ALL. Dad tells his lil LoLo that it’s not a great idea to fall in love with a guy who’s dating other women. Seems like pretty sound advice. When he tries to question Ben’s intentions, that sneaky rat works up a teary eye again and gets out of giving any real answers. It would be the MOST quality TV to put all the protective dads together in one room with Ben and watch him cry his way out of that scenario. #RATINGS. 

Hudson, Ohio with Caila

As you recall, this isn’t really Caila’s hometown because she moved around a lot and naturally this made her think Ben would dump her real hard. They make out on a bench and then design a toy house together, cause Caila’s dad is Mr. Duncan.

Caila spends this date anticipating a toy house mack sesh. You know what they say Caila, if you build it, he will tongue. So they hit the factory to pretend they can operate machinery in a production line. Ben seeing Caila in a hard hat makes HIM hard. See what I did there? He carries her out of the factory but demands that she keep the hard hat on for some construction related fantasies.

At Caila’s house, we’re all reminded Caila isn’t white. Yay for diversity, ABC! Caila’s dad gives Ben advice on being a white boy marrying a Filipino & also calls his marriage “magical”, which is concerning to say the least. Caila’s mom is her TWIN, except for the whole braces thing. Ben talks to Mom and describes getting to know Caila as “cool”. Ben is almost as bad as leftover twin at impressing parents. Meanwhile, Caila gets SUPER emosh in her chat with Daddy as she tells Daddy that she loves Ben and he’s the one. Then she whispers the same to Mommy. If I had known she was going to annoyingly whine mommy and daddy a bunch of times, I would’ve turned it into a drinking game. Caila’s mom tells her to fess up with her love and obviously we’re 3 for 3 of girls confessing their love to everyone but Ben.

Dallas, Texas with JoJo

JoJo finds roses and a letter on her doorstep and it takes her FAR too long into reading it to figure out it’s from her ex-bf Chad and NOT Ben. PLOT TWIST. She paces around her apt and cries a lot in dramatic meltdown mode then calls Chad on speaker so we can all hear. Obviously now that JoJo is reality famous, Chad would like a second chance and more Instagram followers. It just so happens that her little dramatic phone call takes place moments before Ben arrives. Timing, amirite?! JoJo fesses up that she called Chad to end things and talk about how HAPPY she is with Ben and his other girlfriends. She tells Ben that her family is going to love him and BOY is that a lie.

When JoJo walks into her mansion, her brothers basically tackle her to the ground with aggressive double cheek kisses and I get a REAL Folgers weird sibling commercial vibe. They’re so distracted loving on JoJo that she has to keep yelling at everyone to greet Ben. What a hot start.

At dinner we get our first taste of the overly protective Brothers Fletcher when they tell Ben he would need to move to Dallas if he picks their sister. Ben’s like k sounds good. Then JoJo and mama have a super realistic discussion where it’s clear that her mom doesn’t understand how this show works. Mom tells her daughter that there’s no way she’ll get hurt because she’s beautiful. It’s such mom logic it makes me laugh out loud. It’s about as truthful as my Gams telling me I could be a model. Oh JoJo’s mom, just you wait and see. Regardless, keeping on par with the mom advice of this episode, she tells JoJo to put her heart out there. On the other hand, the bros tag team Joelle to tell her to reel it in because she’s only been on 2 dates with this guy. JoJo’s sister contributes nothing. In fact, she might have left after dinner once she realized her brothers were putting on a show for TV ratings.

Behind JoJo’s back there’s some tensions in the kitchen as her mom takes a knee with a bottle of wine and one of the brothers (Ben?) challenges Higgi for toying with female emotions. When Ben is called on his BS diplomatic answers, he pretty much poops his pants and gets right outta there. JoJo follows suit with not telling Ben she loves him and OMG BEN IS SO UNLOVABLE BECAUSE NO ONE TOLD HIM HOW THEY FEEL!

Roses: Lauren, Caila, JoJo (who looks like a smokeshow—probably to make up for her d-bag brothas.)

I mean we all knew who was going to go home…even before US Weekly ruined it a full week in advance. Nice goin.

Amanda’s rightfully like why did you bring me back to LA to humiliate me and send me right back home? Uh, how about WHY DID HE MEET YOUR KIDS WHEN HE KNEW HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE A DAD? Anyway, Ben cries and babbles about how much he cares even though he met her kids and dumped her.

BONUS: LoLo’s baby bros ask Ben if he plans on banging one out with her in the fantasy suite.

Come one, come all (JK, not you, Olivia) to Warsaw Indiana, where Ben had his first kiss and first job and drives a shiny red 1950 Chevy around town with a camera crew behind him. WELCOME! In a quaint little diner that makes eggs, EGGS, YOU GUYS!!! Ben reunites with his parents who he 100% calls before bed every night to talk about all of his girlfriends. He describes each girl and JoJo is the only one he calls GORGEOUS, so everyone else should probably kill themselves.

Before they can contemplate it, Ben picks the ladies up in a boat and shouts WELCOME HOME! They all word vomit the obligatory, “I can totally see myself raising a family here!” Cool it, ladies. Ben lives in Denver. Leftover twin overcompensates by saying she’s ready to start poppin em out and you can tell even the cameraman is like oh, honey. Ben points out that his childhood home is right around the corner, then makes a creepy joke that the ladies shouldn’t look in his parent’s windows because they might be banging. WTF BEN?

Volunteer Time with Lauren B.

Ben drives Lauren B. around town in his vintage rental and tells her embarrassing stories about how he didn’t practice frenching on his hand in 7^th grade and therefore had to ask his girlfriend how to kiss. She laughed right in his face, obviously. So does Lauren B. Ben brings Lauren B. to the youth center to log some community service and even though this date is my LITERAL NIGHTMARE with how many kids are swarming them, Lauren is a CHAMP. She grooves a little double Dutch with the kiddies and basically has a pack of girls braiding her hair by the end of the day…which is essentially the only reason to become a camp counselor (infinite head tickles.)

They shine the spotlight on half court Ronnie, who will probably have his own reality show by week’s end and the couple macks in front of all the children. I get that we’re trying to make every woman’s ovaries burst from this segment but NOT EVERYONE LOVES KIDS, OKAY, ABC? Why are they constantly screaming at the camera. The mic is right there…no need to shout or use baby talk when you’re like 12. Ugh, anyway Ben is super with crying kids and also the Indiana Pacers show up. Lauren pretends to be a huge Pacers fan. Is there such a thing? Later, Ben and Lauren B agree that dumb bitch Leah made up garbage rumors last week and they’re all Gucci now. PS Lauren B admits she’s TOTES in love with Ben. But not just any Ben…WARSAW BEN. (This sounds like the character name of a murderer.)

“Let’s Find Love in the Windy City” with JoJo

JoJo immediately wraps her legs all up in Ben once she arrives in Chi-town and I already hate her. Dainty girls who can do that are soo0oo0oo lame. You know? Anyway, it’s JoJo’s first time in Chicago and instead of showing her the sights and deep-dish pizza; Ben takes her to Wrigley Field to fulfill his lifelong dream to be inside it. And you guys won’t believe it…Wrigley Field talks to them and invites them in!!!! It’s like SMART HOUSE!

So Ben doesn’t look completely selfish in how this date was planned, he gives JoJo a “Mrs. Higgins” Cubs jersey to wear. This seems like a real cocktease. Multiple girls are calling you their boyfriend and saying they see a future with you, Ben, there’s no need to lead them on more. Either way it works because they round the bases together. Wink, Wink. Since ABC rented the field for the day, they have to eat dinner there too. I can’t believe these two spent a whole day at Wrigley Field and didn’t announce Henry Rowengartner’s name on the loudspeaker. What a bunch of squares. In the end, we learn that JoJo isn’t scared anymore and is TEAM BEN! Also, does she always have a mint in the side of her mouth? This has been driving me nuts for weeks. What is she holding in there? Why does she talk like a cartoon character?

Insecurities with Caila, Amanda & Becca

Woohooooo group date!!! Oh what’s that Ben, you’re going to hang out with these 3 chicks long enough for them all to second-guess themselves and then send two packing in favor of a one on one? Damn, that’s COLD. After Becca spends the entire episode talking about how much she wants a one on one (and making me h8 her), we know for sure that she will NOT get a one on one. She needs more validation from Ben. Amanda doesn’t know why Ben is interested in her because she has kids. Same, Amanda. Caila is nervous AF because she’s moved around her whole life and doesn’t have a movie theater where she got her first kiss to drive Ben by in her hometown. Amanda gets the rose so she can feel confident that Ben wants to meet her kids (so he can then dump their mom and leave her there.) Becca cries because Ben’s just not that into her. Caila cries because she isn’t part of a community straight from a movie. What a killer date.

Ben takes Amanda to McDonalds where the nicest and most cheerful fast food employee I’ve ever seen was planted behind the register. It’s been a lifetime dream of Ben’s to go behind the counter at McDonald’s, apparently. They both strap on headsets and ask a bunch of people if they want to supersize it then say the job sucks and go back to being paid to kiss on TV. The two eat a fry lady and the tramp style and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more nauseous. They basically puke chewed up fry into each other’s mouths.

In the parking lot of the McDonalds, there’s a Rydell High carnival and Danny Zuko Ben knows everyone by name. The mayor basically gives him the key to the city because who else would bring a camera crew to the orthopedic capital of the world? Ben screeches like a lil bitch on all the rides and Amanda’s just chillen. Then they have the second most awkward kiss of this date when they are on moving horses on the carousel and almost hit faces. Cherish these moments Amanda, because you’re about to introduce this man to your kids and he’s going to BOUNCE once he sees that being a dad is more than comforting one crying kid in front of a camera.

“Home is Where the Heart is” with Leftover Twin

I feel SOOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO much dumber after watching this date go down. Leftover twin is so excited that she’s finally getting her one on one date that she can COMPLETELY be herself, which to be clear, is a moron. She doesn’t know what swans are and she forgets how to talk when she’s nervous. Oopsie! Ben introduces her to his parents so that he can later blame them when he inevitably sends her home. Leftover twin is fascinated by the ducks because ducks don’t live in Las Vegas! Her diarrhea of the mouth only gets worse as she sits down with Mama Higgins and spews her life aspirations. She wants to be an NFL cheerleader—but also a young mom and wife. Hmmm…I’m shocked Mrs. Higgins doesn’t dive face-first into that lake to escape this dud. The Higgins parentals politely tell Ben that this girl is like, really pretty but like, really dumb. And off leftover twin goes…to watch movies all day and not eat vegetables. Although she’s not as dumb as she comes off with that diabolical placement of NFL cheerleader. Cash in, girliecat. All the other GF’s cry for leftover twin. I’m unclear as to why, but it makes them look really compassionate.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben is SUPER unsure, so he calls out the big guns…Chris Harrison. Chris comes all the way to Warsaw to go, “but which one do you NOT see as your wife?” WHOA. CHRIS. WHERE’D YOU COME UP WITH THAT MIND TRICKERY? Suddenly, with that one rephrase of the question, Ben knows what he must do. What would we do without Chris? How would we ever know how many roses are left? I hope we never have to find out.

Roses: Amanda, Lauren, JoJo, Caila

We pretty much knew Becca was going to leave by the way she was framed as the whiny bitch the whole episode. So whatevs. Props to her for having a backbone and calling Ben out for the shady move, though. Ben handles the confrontation really well. JK he poops his pants.

Next week: JoJo’s brother makes Ben cry.