WE HAVE MADE IT! Spring is just around the corner and nothing marks that like Hollywood’s BIGGEST night. I started out this awards season by flexing all of my streetwear to show you, my loyal red carpet snarksters, that I am of course the MOST qualified to spend several months out of the year boom roasting fashion choices by people who pay top dollar for the finest of clothes styled by the professionals. I can style the SHIT out of loungewear on a day to day basis and I recently had a shower thought that my style as a grown woman never graduated from what Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were wearing in the mid to late nineties. It was a pivotal time in discovering my fashion identity and to be honest, one that I never wish to grow out of. I love the shit out of overalls, a coordinated set, and spending way too much time matching my nails, accessories, socks and sometimes even underwear to a color scheme that I’m rockin.
That being said, this was also the year that I decided I’d become a PJ pants in public kind of person. Not like running errands, I’m not a total heathen, but I have become a little *too* comfy with taking my dog for a full-fledged walk around the surrounding neighborhoods in my jammies. To cut myself a little slack if I may, I went from being able to walk 10 steps to a dog park to exercise my dog to having to walk her several times a day. I know, real sob story from the girl who moved to the beach. BOOHOO. But the DGAF factor is high when you’ve gotta stroll with your dog that many times a day, especially when it’s dark in the winter. Flannel PJs are basically required uniform for that. Where I start to toe the line is when it’s 11am on a Sunday and my fellow ritzy beach area residents are probably on their way back from Church with the fam and are subjected to me shuffling around the ‘hood in Uggs and Christmas plaid fleece jamz. Which is the exact picture I painted this morning. And you know what? Dooooooon’t Caaaaare. There were like 40 mph winds and the only way to get me out in that is in my coziest and warmest sleepwear. Plus, the magic of Christmas extends as long as the weather sucks. Everyone knows that. So without further ado (was that the longest definitely unnecessary self-deprecating rant you’ve read in a while?!) here’s the big Kahuna for red carpets from the kinda schmuck who has given up on actually dressing herself to leave the house…seriously spring can’t get here fast enough.
WORST
I get real turnt for a seafoam but this is too weird. Loose forearm sleeves…why? The choker sheer scarf brings me right back to the early aughts when the skinny scarf added to every outfit was a choice. Not a good one but ah those were the times. And may I also pose a question because I’ve seen this hairstyle a few times now? Is using gel to shellac a few wispy strands to the forehead a trend? Is this perhaps the new loose face framing strands with an updo? If so, respectfully no.
Ooohh this is more an MTV VMA’s look booboo. Lil party girl hoochie mama. Spoiler alert: her performance outfit was even hoochie coochier. Ah, to be in your twenties again.
What fresh hell is this? I’d compare them to pajamas but you’ve seen what duds I’m rockin to sleep in. Wouldn’t be caught dead in a silk tux. In fact, I just was introduced to silk pillow cases (s/o my sis for the gift) and my first trial run with them last night was REAL slippery. My head almost slid right off the bed on more than one occasion. Imagine wearing head to toe silk too? Hey Dwane, do a slide, let’s see how slick that sucker is!
This style feels outdated to me. Plus, kinda seems dangerous? Like why is her neck hooked up to her right tit? Looks like she’s trying to hang herself by her areola.
It’s giving airport lounge singer.
HOLY HAIR. My ‘lanta this is bad. First and foremost, I’ve always hated pink and red together. They clash as much as black and brown do (personal pref.) Second and probably more important, ew times a thousand to that Dynasty hairstyle.
This dress is a dinosaur personified. You can’t see it in this photo but the back is straight ridges and a tail. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Wicked Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)
If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like to get eaten alive by an unruly pair of wide-legged pants, welp, here’s a real clear visual.
Two words: BUCKLE STRAPS.
She looks like she just got done smoking a long cig, listening to Fleetwood Mac on vinyl and just stumbled into the Oscars and no I cannot further elaborate on that very niche character I’ve just created from one cursory glance at this photo.
Honestly this is horrifying. I’m so overstimulated by this purple poppy sparkle ‘sploshe.
MARGOT👏 IS👏 DEAD👏 TO👏 ME. Great statement you’re making here. You’ve worn pink incessantly for the better part of a year and you’re done. This is the funeral of Barbie as we know it. Well GUESS WHAT BABE, I’ve been waiting for you to literally shit pink on the red carpet for the Oscars after a SUUUUUPER lackluster showing during awards season and you midas whale just hawk a lugey directly in my face with this outfit. And not for nothing but is that bedhead? What a giant F-U to anyone who wishes she has Barbie’s ENTIRE wardrobe at her fingertips (ME). I could’ve worn this shitty dress. In fact, I did to a wedding in 2018. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I’m less enraged about JLC wearing black because she didn’t singlehandedly make hot pink the *moment*, but this is still suuuuuch a snoozer.
Kind of a ricochet shot here from Margot but HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR A PINK SUIT?! I wanted SO MUCH from these two and I’ve never been more underwhelmed in my life when the possibilities were literally endless. Ya, I peeped those pink socks. Doesn’t count unless he’s gonna grow a set and pull them up over his pants.
I don’t know what’s happening up top here other than a rogue bedazzler but I’m all set.
This is a lot. I think removing the full blown pom-pom sleeves and the cape would make this more digestible.
UGH I hate the horned strapless top. Why so horny?
Oh fuck right off with this look, excuse my French. What is she, carrying an entire bunk’s worth of sleeping bags? How stupid. She’s mummified head to toe and then just dragging around bundles of laundry. For what? FOR WHAT, ARIANA?! To irritate your seatmate and look like an a*hole? Mission accomplished. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Glenda the Good Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)
IT’S THE PEPLUM, BB.
Another iteration of the skinny dangling scarf and a reminder that less is more, people! The dress is good without a strand flying loose in the breeze.
Continuing my awards-season-long vendetta against top heavy ladies doing strapless and putting all the trust in the world into a very small/flimsy amount of fabric to keep everything in check.
Kinda trampy maid vibe, srynotsry.
BEST
A moment of silence for 90’s teen heartthrob Josh Hartnett coming back into the fold and being hot cool sunglasses guy with a glam wife upon his return.
It’s Andie Anderson yellow and I’ll always have a soft spot for that. Even though she’s not wearing the Isadora diamond, I’m very into this sapphire icing to contrast the golden tones of the dress.
MMM I love this color.
Pretty much every man disappointed me with a boring black tux so this is where we start getting really despy. I’m not a huge fan of poop suits but gotta give credit, Matthew spiced it up and matched his shades. Camila’s bejeweled boobs were doing it for me too.
Frannie got a BOD-AY. Great figure for a slinky gown like this, loving the little briefcase purse and the braid.
A coordinated coups!!! A rare sighting and it makes me swoon to see a man support his woman in fash. They both look amahzing and we don’t need to wonder where Emily’s lady bits are because we’ve got a treasure map pointing right to them! Also, a little jarring to see a dress that looks like it’s being held up above her shoulders by imaginary hands but once you get past that trickery, it’s hard to deny she looks STUNNING.
Whatta babe this dress fits her like a glove.
Again, not to beat a dead horse but that’s what I do BEST, would’ve loved a little nod to weird Barbie, but she does look lovely and classic.
Wish we got a TEENSIE bit more leg here, maybe a cut just past the knee skirt but, Billie! You did it, homegirl! She’s crushing this look!
So simple and yet it’s perfect!
Now this is what I’m talking about! FULLY redeemed himself from the red carpet flop with this Ken-licious look. Pink sparkles, shades, pink gloves, ALL ON POINT. Not to mention that this performance was above and beyond what I wanted. RyGos is Ken and Ken is RyGos.
SPARKLE FISH!
Very tasteful feather sitch.
I’m a big believer that polka dots should be taken out back with a shotgun but surprising us all, I LOVE this! It’s retro chic and I’m equal parts admiring and jelly of this island glow she’s sporting on top of the polkas.
I just want to tuck myself into Carey’s pocket (or poof) and go everywhere she goes. It’s no secret to anyone who has been a loyal follower of my red carpets that I REGULARLY slobber all over her. It’s like she never misses. Sure, this gown probably falls into the mermaid bottom category, but also it doesn’t because the way it’s cut with the scalloping black is on another level. High Fash for dayz. And take it from a gal who has roughly 8 sets of Christmas PJ’s to rotate…I KNOW high fashion.
An ice Queen in all the best ways.
GET IT, GIRL! Put your party ruffles on!
Respect for the toppiest of top buns and a slammin leg moment.
We haven’t seen this babe in a minute! She’s looking toight and I’m here for the shiny champagne gown.
A DEBUT BUMP! I’m always shocked by celebs who can sneak under the radar with a pregnancy. Gurl is REAL pregnant and just was like WHAM guess who’s with child on the red carpet. Love a buzzworthy moment and she’s werkin it Beyonce Single Ladies style.
Peps double standard. I’m not a h8er of this peplum because it’s like pepLite. It’s not a hard pep. Say pep again. Though let’s be real, the glitz is really what caught my eye.
I can get down with this cape.
MIAMI VICE. Love the contrast of the black sparkle palm trees against the pink shine.
Thank you for your service, sir.
BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:
“Oh damn, America!” were the exact words I texted my mother. I’m so all in for the pink on her. I may have dumped all over every other Barbie but America was consistently killing it this awards season and was leaning more into the dark classic gowns, so for her to flip the switch to pink for the finale, HELL YEA! The cut of this dress is so flattering and it’s very fun and Disco Barbie-esque.
The Salty Ju 