Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2023

We’ve arrived at the big one, that means spring is just around the corner! F that groundhog looking for his damn shadow, all we need is a 7 hour stuffy as hell broadcast with a bunch of A-list actors and a host making PC jokes to know the long winter is almost over. Unfortunately when last year’s show includes Will Smith bum-rushing the stage and bitch-slapping Chris Rock on live TV, the one that follows is gonna be tighter than a butthole. This was one of the most boring awards show ever broadcast and that includes their color choice for the carpet, which was “champagne.” It’s beige, folks. Just call it beige. Not sure why they decided to switch it up from the infamous red, but for anyone in my close circle of friends (my Twitter followers) you know that I’m currently obsessed with neutral tones and have been on an aggressive hunt to transform my entire wardrobe into exclusively Oat Milk articles of clothing, shoes, and accessories. So what I’m trying to say is that I can’t really knock a beige carpet when I just purchased a “Vanilla” sweatsuit to really commit to my NUDE era. So without further ado, all the looks from a carpet that will immediately turn brown from people traipsing all over it.


Florence Pugh

Did Florence turn her ponytail INTO micro bangs? It looks like a choice was made here and that choice was to flip her ponytail onto her forehead and superglue it there. Although I could probably spend this entire commentary discussing how that was a terrible choice, it’s important for me to also point out the bedsheet wrapped around spankypants look she’s rockin below the fringe. Nothin like rolling yourself up in a Duvet and hitting the show!

Jenny Slate

I’m never going to support a slicked back updo. ESPECIALLY from someone who has curly hair like me. Rep us curly gurlz on that champagne carpet, WHAT ARE YOU ASHAMED OF?! Yea that’s right I just took one look at this hairstyle and crafted a clickbait spin that Jenny was ashamed of her natural curls. Get on my level.

Molly Sims

Can you imagine showing up to the biggest awards show, not being an actress, and wearing feather boas? Let’s take it down a notch, Molly. This ain’t your show, honey. Save it for the Paris catwalk.

Antonio Banderas

If you’re the arm candy of Antonio Banderas at the Oscars, you’ve gotta do better than this Fabletics lookin coordinated set. I mean is she walking a red (beige) carpet or leading an at-home workout on Youtube for all of her followers?  It’s even more ridiculous that Antonio is in a tux next to Barbie Burpees.

Kate Hudson

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed in Kate. This isn’t the ugliest dress on the planet but it’s certainly not doing it for me. More importantly, it is the 20 year anniversary of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days this year and HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR THE ICONIC YELLOW DRESS WITH THE CANARY ISADORA DIAMOND TO THE OSCARS?!  I mean people would LOSE THEIR SHIT. That was a huge opportunity missed and I’ll be irrationally peeved about it for a little while. Do better next time, Andie Anderson.

Elizabeth Banks

This is a Free Willy nightmare. I don’t know if it’s the actual Orca fin of taffeta hanging off her back that’s making her posture so shitty or if she just knows this look sucks and is posing like the Hunchback of Notre Dame Humpback of the Pacific admitting defeat.

Salma Hayek

I hate this color. I hate the tie top halter and keyhole cleavage. I hate the bottom half looking like doorway streamers you buy on Amazon for decorating an Airbnb for a Bachelorette. HateHateHateDoubleHate…LOATHE ENTIRELY.

Cate Blanchett

Not into the drapey fabrics style. It’s always the type of dress you trip over (because where are your feet) and also end up dragging your sleeves through the sauce on your plate or knocking over your wine glass making a real mess of things. I wanted to be a part of the poncho trend years ago when it was cool until I wore one to work and knocked my pencil cup off my desk every time I moved my arms.  A lesson was learned. Just because it’s “trendy” doesn’t mean it’s practical. Also, not for nothing, but shapeless as hell.


I love following along when people get thirsty AF for male actors and then watching as they all come back down to earth and put their boners away. This should be a sobering moment for all because the guy people have been calling DADDY for weeks on Twitter is wearing suit pants that are SO long they look like JNCO jeans bagging up around his ankles. REAL Daddies wear a tailored suit.


Slicked ‘do, clown makeup and a tiny belt resting atop her labia. Need I say more?

Lilly Singh

This is a really fun color and I don’t hate a suit moment but it has to be fitted right or a flattering style. Wearing a floor length business duster ain’t it, chicky. Waist-length jacket open to the bustier underneath would’ve slapped way harder.

Ashley Graham

This triggered me. Although a MUCH classier version, all I could think of when I saw Ashley was a recent episode of Love is Blind (S3, After the Altar) where Alexis wore the below number to her birthday party, which her dad attended. I repeat, her father was at a party where she wore this:

Sure, this is an extreme comparison. But also, is it really? When are we going to stop doing see through numbers with briefs (or lack thereof) underneath? Also perhaps I just really wanted the world to set their peepers on this birthday suit a reality TV star wore for realz and felt good about. Wanna know how I know LIB isn’t matching people with their true loves or “their person” as is gagworthy repeated time after time on this show? Cause her PERSON would’ve taken one look at that atrocity of a lace stocking stretched over her tits and bits and said “go change.” Instead her man told her she looked amazing. I give the marriage 5 years tops. And that’s being generous.

Ana de Armas

Ana’s a bangpiece and I’ve seen her knock it out of the park plenty of times but tonight wasn’t one of those times. There’s something so meh about this look and I’ve never been real rah-rah for ruffles or in this case, scales. on a dress.

Eva Longoria

THE SKINNY SCARF. Guys. If those are coming back put me in the G-D ground. The worth nothing, completely uncoordinated skinny knit scarf tossed over a t-shirt HAUNTS me as much as Gaucho pants and kitten heels do. YIKES ON BIKES. Speaking of horrifying trends coming back…I found myself in a Forever 21 this weekend (don’t ask, I’m not willing to admit why a 31 year old found herself scouring a Forever 21 and also making a purchase) but my jaw was on the ground the entire time as it looked exactly like a Delia’s catalog from 1996 come to life. The spaghetti strap crop tops with stupid bedazzled phrases, smiley faces and flames. I GASPED when I saw these bad boys:

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Fashion is not real.


It’s gonna be a hard no for me, bub.

Paul Mescal


Ariana DeBose

Ariana usually does something trendy and quirky and this fell flat. Plus, fabric shooting out of your butthole tail style…two thumbs down.

Lennie Kravitz

Lenny, you’re way too old to be going chesties out at a black tie event. Not a good enough reason to let the breeze hit your nips.

Zoe Saldana

It’s giving grandma’s curtains/tablecloth/nightgown all rolled into one vibes.

Jennifer Connelly

Is that a bedazzled rhombus on your chest or are you just happy to see me?

The Rock

Silk AND peach?! Bruh. Come on.

Nicole Kidman

“I’ve got the best idea! Let’s just forget the sleeve on one side but in it’s place we’ll do a couple of one foot wide glitter flowers hanging off the dress.” – The designer of this dumpster fire gown, probably.

Halle Berry

There’s never a circumstance where I need to know if you’ve recently gotten a bikini wax by seeing it with my own peepers for an awards show. 

Angela Bassett

Say it with me now y’all, TOO MUCH FABRIC!

Sandra Oh

And in the same camp…why are we ADDING layers to the hip area?! I love the color and the bold lip but this drapey sitch is OUT.

Marlee Matlin

When I first saw this I was like HELL YEA, MARLEE. Get down with your bad self. And then something that inevitably happens every time I do a red carpet blog, by the time I got back ’round to doing commentary for it I flip-flopped and suddenly hated it. She basically has the same hairstyle as Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama and I can’t razz all over Molly Sims for her boa arms and not also throw stones at Marlee for her feather cake bottom gown. EQUALITY FOR SHITTING ALL OVER BOA FASH.

Elizabeth Olsen

This is an MK or A witchy simplistic lewk and I expect more from E. We know your sisters dress like this at every public outing (usually baggier and with more layers) but you’re a rising star at the beginning of your career that didn’t start on straight to VHS short films with original white girl rap songs. GIVE US SOMETHING SPICY. Take a chance, boo!


Unpopular opinion but I don’t worship the ground Rihanna walks on for literally no reason. She made some catchy pop beats like 10 years ago and she seems cool and all but this Beyonce-level obsession that people have with her and thinking she is a fashion icon is a little much. I thought her super bowl outfit that had people questioning if she had a pregnancy announcement or just hadn’t pooped in a while kinda sucked and the same goes for this sheer/leather thang. Sorry…not sorry.

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DID SHE TIE THE BOTTOM OF HER DRESS INTO A RAT TAIL? Get the hell out of my face with that.

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A very public Kelly Ripa H8er (Rege & KLG 4 LIFE), I rolled my eyes out of my damn head when she announced that Ryan Seacrest would be leaving the show and her husband would be taking his place. I’m a firm believer that she’s a real twat and difficult to work with so it checks that she’s now choosing the one person who doesn’t get paid to tolerate her on the daily. I smelled drama with this switcheroo and I know she’s trying to get ahead of it by showing up with both like there isn’t bad blood but WE KNOW YOU KELLY. THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING. And that’s my unrelated bitchy rant to close out awards season. Also look how far those three clowns are standing apart. I’ve never seen a more uncomfy trio. Ok, now I’m done. Is Mark wearing a jean shirt? KByeeeeeeeee.

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What an asshole move. Every time they panned to the audience and I saw this skyscraper hood levitating above her head I felt bad for everyone sitting behind her. If I was running the show and saw her roll through I’d tell her she had to sit in the nosebleeds. It’s only fair.



Kerry Condon

Love a pastel moment and we didn’t get too many of them tonight. SPRING HAS SPRUNG LITTLE CHICKADEES!

Idris Elba

Idris lookin like a stone cold fox in that blue patterned jacket but unfortunately for us all he chose to bring Kermit the Frog as his date. There’s a reacher and a settler in every relashe and I think we’ve solidified who is who here. 

Seth Rogen

I’ve come to accept that Seth exclusively wants to look like he’s going to prom and out of the many quirky pastels he’s tried to pull off in the past, this ivory and steel blue combo is his best. His wife wore a much less offensive shade of green than ole Kermie above, which was nice.

Barry Keoghan

I could not be more obsessed with not only a periwinkle suit, but a periwinkle suit with pearl starburst buttons. Grey shoes would’ve been the obvious choice here instead of a chunky black loafer but I’m guessing he was somewhat trying to coordinate with his lady friend, so we’ll let it slide.


What a fun take on crop separates! Bustier top and a hot orange bottom keeping it sassy as hell.

Gregory Mann

This kid knows what’s up. Sick kicks and a sparkly jacket. I respect starting strong right out the gate. Keep up the good work, Ginger Snap.

Vanessa Hudgens

I don’t know how Vanessa became a key player in red carpet fashion but she’s been throwing heaters for the past few years now and I accept.

Paul Dano

God, nothing makes me smile like a finger gun pose at a black tie affair.

Melissa McCarthy

One of the few red numbers of the eve and she looks great!


Dubs hands on hips and some midsection lacies is fierce. WERK.

Samuel L Jackson

Only thing more cool guy than a shimmery silver jacket would’ve been matching bottoms but something tells me Samuel L. doesn’t need anymore street cred.

Stephanie Hsu


Michelle Williams

Michelle almost snagged the best dressed honor because she is an angelic beauty in this.

Mindy Kaling

I can’t stand phantom sleeves attached to nothing but I need to commend Mindy for stepping outside of the box. Her show The Mindy Project featured some of the quirkiest and fun bold outfits episode after episode and then when I see Mindy on the red carpet it feels like she’s always in blacks, navy blues, and basic styles. More of this good shit, please! She looks sexy and fashionable even though her upper arms are probably cold. Seriously, what’s the point of forearm sleeves? But I digress…

Miles Teller

HOT COUPLE ALERT. (They’d be hot even if they showed up in athleisure, but that’s why Hollywood is unfair and exists to remind us that we’re all a bunch of poor, ugly, slobs.)

Jessica Chastain

Speaking of unfair, Jessica literally looks like a painting.


Let’s be real, it’s the pocket for me.

Emily Blunt

Another cut sleeve thing which really burns my biscuits but hot damn that dress fits her like a glove. You know what it is? I think the sleeves are giving me flashbacks to the fishnet cut-off girls would get from Hot Topic and slide over their pasty arms with an American Eagle graphic tee. Glad you could join me on this journey to find out why I’m personally triggered by a trend. Always a pleasure working through things with you.

Michael B Jordan

A real daddy, if you will. A well deserved thirst trap.

Austin Butler

Now that awards season is over, let’s all stop making fun of his Elvis accent. Pinky swear?

Michelle Yeoh


This is the unhinged part of the blog where I declare that Michelle and Jamie Lee must’ve been keeping up with The Salty Ju because I knocked them down a peg at the Globes and they stepped it UP for the Oscars. Has everything to do with me and my highly valued opinions and nothing to do with the fact that this is the biggest awards show and the final one of the season. These light sparkly gowns are flattering and goddess-like which is much more fitting of two first-time Oscar winners. Well done babes.

Halle Bailey

Another pastel princess moment for the new Princess Ariel. BTW that trailer sucked. Don’t turn an UNDERWATER move into live action. It looked fake as hell. Some things just BELONG in animation. Whoops, got a little hot under the collar about a Disney Vault Classic. Sorry bout it.



Cara D

Honestly Cara was at every awards show this year and I don’t even know what she was in to warrant an awards season tour but also I don’t really care with a stunner like this. She crushed and she knows it. Anyone who’s still comparing this to “Angelina Jolie’s leg moment” is stuck in the past because if you’re asking me she blows big Ange outta the water. I would say more about why she’s the top contender of the evening but I can’t stop staring at that sleek gam. I’m rendered speechless by stem. Snaps for you Cara. Ya did the damn thing.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2022

We take what we can get for awards season now…this cold hard truth not only applies to the drought of red carpets nowadays but also the three raggedy ass hosts they cobbled together for this awards show. One, that I might add, operated perfectly fine without a host at all in previous years and no one even missed irrelevant comedians telling the obvious ‘Leonardo Dicaprio only dates younger’ jokes and terribly unfunny bits. And even though the job has been done by one or sometimes none, we had three women last night trying to entertain us and make us laugh and the show was painfully boring up until Will Smith cold cocked Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife being GI Jane (she is bald due to alopecia.) I only know that this happened because of Twitter. ABC cut the whole thing then everyone went ahead and kept it moving like dad didn’t just hit mom at the dinner table. Nothin like covering up a physical fight on live TV! But don’t worry, whoever Will Smith blew at the network continued to cover his ass when he accepted an award later on and proceeded to blubber onstage about protecting his family and the things we do for love. He got a REAL nice edit as we basically watched a screensaver instead of him snotting up all the boogs in a tight closeup. They also allowed him to basically word vomit and slobber for as long as he pleased without playing him off. So here’s the deal…if we’re going to be deprived of awards shows, the few that we get better have as much drama as an episode of Below Deck and the next time a network tries to cut out and cover it up, heads are gonna roll. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT. Anyway, here’s how everyone dressed for the celebrity smackdown of ’22.


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It’s the puffy sleeves and black lace gloves for me. Also sweet black briefs.

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Did she for realsies tie the top of her dress like it’s a dog poop bag full of turds?

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WHAT IN THE GOTHIC HELL IS THIS, MAGGIE?! Magpie played it real safe at the SAG’s only to show up at the biggest red carpet stage with hieroglyphics pinned all over her damn body.

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We are an excited wave away from those knockers bustin through for a meet and greet.

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I very much love Billie’s hair. Neon green should never be a color choice for luscious locks and I’m so glad she’s gotten herself out of that alien silk jammies and two-toned hair phase. hOwEvEr…wrapping yourself in a table skirt is no bueno. We’ve still got some work to do hun-nay.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Mr. Superior Thinkin over here had the AUDACITY to grace a red carpet after he was dragged for 10 whole minutes in November and never even acknowledged it?! GET. LAAAAWWWWST. You think you’re too cool for the Oscars? You don’t need to dress up? Just go casj because you grew up in a silver spoon gated community? Those shoes organic? Boy, bye.

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I mean we get it, Megan, you got a body that won’t quit. But I’d still like to see you in something that’s doing a lot less. You can still show off those stemz of yours tastefully.

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These two make my eyes roll out of my head and down the street. I’m sick of them. I want them to go away for a little while and that was true BEFORE Will just casually popped off at Chris Rock for seemingly no reason (still waiting for a playback on that one…we watch paint dry for 2.5 hours and they cut the juiciest moment. Buncha squares over at ABC.) Regardless, shout out to my girl Kat for giving me the perfect summary of Jada’s dress: looks like she’s covered in green trash bags. I hope now that this press tour for Will’s movie is over, these two will moonwalk into oblivion and give us all a break.

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Shweet plaid bow tie, Penelope. SOUND fashion decision. 

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DIE AWAY FROM ME, PEPLUM. I don’t even really know if this falls under the peplum category kinda looks like she’s got an inner tube around her waist but whatever you wanna call it, it sucks.

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Well the good news is if your hands get chilly you can just shove them into your seashell pockets.

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Someone please explain this wiener cover in the form of a fancy dinner napkin. What is the purpose of this? I NEED TO KNOW.

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I gotta believe cool guy snowboarder Shaun White has more potential than a plain black tux. Really could’ve wowed us here, maybe even done a bold funky USA suit since it was his last hurrah at the Olympics and he gives us Men’s Warehouse classic. I do not accept.

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Classic Texas Mother of the Bride or gala dress on Reebz. Sparkle and modest. I want something more daring. Yeah that’s right I’m now basically transforming my worst dressed list into bullying people to take more fashion chances. DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS!

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Again, I’ve seen Jason kill it with cool looks. He wore a pink velvet tux with a matching scrunchie one year. How do you go from that to black on black? Is he mourning his separation still? Wrap it up and start making a fashion splash again, big sexy.

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I don’t know if she was taking inspiration from Tammy Fay for this look but it should be illegal to take inspiration from a woman who tattooed lip liner onto her face. This is all sorts of glimmery garbage. If the store Justice (or Limited Too for all y’all elder millennials like me) made grown up clothes this would be it.

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Excuse me sir, but there is absolutely no excuse to be flashing your pre-pubescent hairless chest on a red carpet. 

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This is a priest robe and I’ll be having none of your blasphemy that she didn’t straight jack this right out of the church wardrobe.

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Our Fredericks of Hollywood 2022 Edition.

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We’ll just go right through the shopping mall lineup cause this is a Party City 99 cent backdrop.

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OoOh, vulvas! FUN!

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Ok hear me out, what if we did bright emerald green which will really pop on the carpet. But we need something else, something that will really make this look stand out. BUCKLES. (this is how I imagine the initial design meeting went for this pukefest of a dress.)

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This is bringing a very medieval vibe and no I will never get on board with fingerless gloves no matter how often Paris Hilton tries to shove them down our throats.

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Host 1 of 3 and this outfit is ATROCIOUS. What are we doing with the bows here, squad?! Is this the new loose pieces of hair trend? Anyway, congrats Amy on not only being one of the most famous comedians that everyone RIPS for stealing all of your material but also being the worst dressed Oscar host on a year when they couldn’t pick just one.



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Don’t think bleach blonde goes with this look but we’ll let it slide because this dress fits her like a glove and I’ll always have a boner for a perfectly color coordinated jewel.

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Considering she had to beg for an invite via social media, I’m guessing black was an FU Academy choice but she looks like a dime piece so everyone’s a winner here.

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Even though she’s the matriarch of a pigpen family who never showers, Mila sure knows how to take a whore’s bath and clean UP.

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Hot damn, Jennifer Garner is a perfect specimen.

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I don’t think I knew that this awkward bird had a set of drumsticks on her. Who wears short shorts? Bella, where the hell have you been loca?!

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Andrew’s always got a little smoking jacket flava.

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Host 2 of 3 also lookin kinda like a televangelist straight out of Righteous Gemstones but it’s working for her.

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Kevin Costner living up to his DILF vibes. 67 years old and still rolling down the red carpet in shades cause the sun never sets on cool.

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This is the true definition of an hourglass figure. Lotta RED HOT looks at the Oscars, pun intended.

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How the hell did Kev bag an invite to the Oscars and the others didn’t?! Lookin sharp though, bud.

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Ariana is straight KILLIN this outfit. Such a close call for best outfit of the night. But she won an Oscar and made history so that’s probably more important to her than getting my highly esteemed fashion stamp of approval.

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Regina rounding out the trio of hosts that couldn’t keep the train on the tracks last night but important to note, the best dressed of the three. This gown is flawless and the color is perfect. Props to you Regina. You may not be funny but you’re well-dressed.

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Don’t know what we owe this pleasure but just grateful as hell that these two kept their tongues in their mouths and look put together. Keep up the good work.

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Gonna be honest I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Kirsten Dunst look good. Does that sound harsh? Sure but remind yourself what blog you’re reading right now. The good news is she looks stunning in this princess gown.

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Red was the real winner of the night. Knocked it out of the park with this old Hollywood glam.

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Smokin hot and much more approps than the twat twist at the SAG awards.

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10 out of 10 for this rosy sparkle number and Nicky’s pregnancy glow.

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Zendaya is serving A LOOK here. God I wish I could pull off blue steel without looking like I just drowned my children in the bathtub. She is mean muggin the camera in boardroom on top, beauty pageant on bottom and I am BUYING what she’s SELLING. It’s unique, it’s flattering, and she’s somehow made a waitress white button down crop top elegant?! Magic.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2020

I’m never ready for this moment. The last major awards show of the season and a return to the Sunday scaries every single week. What a harsh dose of reality. Anyway, we had a WHOLE lotta white gowns this year, which is ironic considering the biggest critique of the Oscars is that they’re racist as hell and only nominate whites. Seems like the opposite of the point outrage culture and the rest of Hollywood would be trying to make but who am I to judge. HAHA I can never type that sentence with a straight face. I judge the hardest. So did Hollywood when the Oscars gave Eminem his moment to shine 18 years after winning his Oscar for Lose Yourself and skipping the ceremony because he didn’t think he would win. Em brought the house DOWN with MOM’S SPAGHETTI and Hollywood is just too cool to appreciate it. WUT3v3R. It was the highlight of the world’s longest and most boring awards show ever and I’m not afraid to say it. Check out my Twitter if you want to see my unfiltered minute by minute commentary since I had no one to blab my thoughts out loud to after my mom fell asleep within the first 20 minutes and then woke up and declared the show was boring. To be fair, she wasn’t wrong, but she WAS unconscious for most of it.


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America got confused and thought the Oscars were actually a Grecian themed baby shower.

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Find her body among this mess of fabric. I dare you.

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On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, no need to find her body because she’s basically wearing an open robe. Bonus points for having corpse face.

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Nope. Nopey nope nope.

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Are these vents on her biceps? Never know when you might need a cool breeze to hit your ‘ceps because you’re wearing velvet on the west coast and your entire body is probably sweating.

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Not a fan. I don’t have anything extreme or dramatic to say (first time for everything) but I just wasn’t into the black flowers on a sparkly gown.

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Y’all know my thoughts on my gurl Billie. Wouldn’t it be the ultimate bad gurl move to just show up in a kickass dress instead of jammies for once? Just a thought.

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The jewels on this B look tacky as hell to me.

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Laura did us dirty with the nipple tassels.

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Ah, a rust colored sparkle blanket! How chic!

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You know when you wash a sports bra that has pads in it and without fail, every time, you forget that the pads are in there and you have to fish them out of the washer after the cycle is over? Just me? K. The top of this dress looks like they glued those pads to a dress.

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Honestly did America tell Salma the theme too? Like what’s with the ancient Greek vibes?

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Every single thing that Renee has worn this szn has been 90’s trends I hate reincarnated. Sorry bout it.

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BLECH this is wooftastic. A lace harness over a lace bra, with sleeves and what’s the bottom? Tulle? Feathers? How does fashion exist. Like this was literally just a bunch of scrap materials sewn together and you cannot convince me otherwise.

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I LOOOOOOOVE teal. Love the hell out of it. But my hate for tiered gowns far outweighs my boner for the color teal.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOO to this belt of ruffles. Give me more lilac!

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My mom compared this to a kitchen sink scrubber, I tossed out internal organ, now that I’m looking at it again I think we could also say Under the Sea for 100, Alex.


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Love the top, everything falls apart on the bottom half. Just chunks of fabric.

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This is a tacky prom dress. This is something I would’ve tried on at Deb when I was 14 and my mom dropped my friends and I off at the mall so that we could walk around, try things on and eat free samples at Gertrude Hawk. Ah, the simple days. Realistically nothing has changed except that I can drive myself to the mall now and do all of those things because I still can’t afford to buy anything.

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In other news of sleeves that serve no purpose. I like the lip, I like the hair, I originally had her in my best dressed but if I was really being honest with myself I was tossing her a pity best dressed because she didn’t wow me this year with her looks and I was really settling with this one. I was thinking to myself, well she doesn’t look as bad here as I felt she did at the other red carpets this season but really that wasn’t enough for me. The bolo tie smack in the middle of a gown and the phantom sleeves were irritating me JUST enough that I had to put her on the worst dressed. These are the tough decisions I need to make sometimes. It’s not easy being a judgmental B who blogs for free.

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I only included this picture so I could also refer everyone to my fiery tweet about the Pittster:

The E red carpet crew collectively creamed their gowns/tuxes over Brad Pitt and HONESTLY WHY.


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Love the color and the flattering style here.

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I’m a known h8er of one strappin it but everything else about this dress is Flawle$$ and therefore my one strap hate can simmer down.

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So many Hollywood lads go classic black tux for the Oscars and it’s just so boring. Tony is wearing the shit out of this navy blue.

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Tale as old as time, I put this on the worst dressed list originally and after staring at it long enough I just flipped the switch (flipped the switch switch–that joke will only hit with the youth tik-tok’ers.) and decided I DON’T HATE IT. She’s really serving that red lip and bob and it made me fall in love with the whole ‘fit.

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KCav going for a real Cinderella story here. *~*Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game*~* A quote that once graced my AIM profile, also from the Hilary Duff classic, A CINDERELLA STORY.

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I’m living for the coordination here. Also my aforementioned boner for all things teal.

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This is FIERCE.

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Holy bananas I love yellow so much. Also great style, also great jewels. Top notch look.

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Geena is 64 years old and she is OWNING the red carpet in this gown. Hot damn.

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Another internal conflict here, this dress is beautiful and Sandra looks amahzing and YET those are a pair of sleeves RIGHT THURR. Those are puffy sleeves that cannot be ignored even for a second. *God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change*

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Rebel threw me for a loop with this old Hollywood Glam and I love it a lot.

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My mom and I disagreed on this one, she didn’t like the necklace or the color of the dress and I had to promptly remind her that I wore the same color to prom and she pretended it was pretty then. Unfortunately I chose the bubble hem, which should’ve been illegal.

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(You’re right Mom, it was a lighter shade of green.) Either way, I stand by the army green life.

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THIS WOMAN IS A FOX AND SHE LOOKS HOT AS HELL FOREVER ON RED CARPETS. I expect nothing less from my namesake. I wonder if people constantly call her Julie in emails as well.

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In a sea of neutrals on the red carpet, I’m living for this pop of color party frock.

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I get that out of these two, James is the famous one, but his wife is really who I’m stanning here. That dress is perfect.

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This is like a Harry Potter witchy vibe and that’s mostly because she’s basically wearing a cloak. Fun fact: the cloak is embroidered with all of the female directors that were snubbed because that was the main storyline this year. Not only do the Oscars hate blacks but also women too.

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A moment of silence for LDC who wears the same damn thing every year but he can because he never ages and is a monumental babe soda. Also because I feel like Janae forcing him to sing on the spot by shoving a mic in his face during the opening sequence was a huge injustice and I’m sure he has the voice of an angel if he’s had the time to warm up his vocals.

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Oh my lord if she had just rocked some mermaid waves this would’ve won look of the night because it is stunning. But alas, she went for straight outta the shower slick. Womp, wompp.

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Really respect an actor wearing his basketball warmups to the Oscars with some fancy boots. What an F U to the Academy.

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There’s nothing that I can logically critique here because she really played it safe. After winning a best look of the night at the Globes with a neon number for me, it’s a huge step down but in no way does she look bad. Classic Oscars feel.

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These two never ever miss.


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Even though her opening performance and very forced audience participation directly followed by her laying on the floor next to the crowd she forced to sing along gave me every uncomfy ever in the world, THIS OUTFIT IS STRAIGHT FIRE. When I was a teenager and moody and emo and dramatic, I used to wear my hood around the house 24/7 and finally my parents were like hey we hate you and your 13 year old dramatic ass is bringing the mood down in this house and making us want to disown you so they set the “no hoods in the house rule”, which basically ruined my life but CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I HAD A SPARKLY GOWN WITH A HOOD ON IT?! I WOULD NEVER TAKE THAT SHIT OFF. My parents WOULD NEVER ban a glitzy boss hood like this. The red lip is the cherry on top of an outfit that I need and would wear forever and never let my parents buzzkill.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2019

Here it is. The night I dread every year because it means I no longer have a legitimate reason to drink several glasses of wine on a Sunday night and pretend fashion critic is my actual career. The night I always expect to be blown away because it’s “Hollywood’s Biggest Night” and yet every year I’m disappointed and bored to tears. Obviously this year was no different. Every stylist slobbered all over the color pink and pretty much ruined it for everyone ever again (Except for Julia Roberts who skipped the red carpet but looked like a pink babe soda while presenting best picture.) Also I stick to my guns and refuse to crown a best look of the night because I remain McKayla Maroney levels of unimpressed.



91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

If we’re being real here, I gasped when I saw Amy take the stage. She looked like an unwell ghost and this tuxedo wasn’t helping her case at all.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Just plop a giant bow on the shoulder of my Barbie pink dress. It’ll be supes classy.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

He looks like a gay clergyman, which is a real oxymoron.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

OMYGAW. I brushed hair out of my eye just looking at all the feathers poking her retina. And it gets 1000x worse as your eyes travel south, much like this bird outfit should’ve.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I laughed out loud when I saw this because I was convinced it was a #TBT picture from the 2001 Oscars. Or maybe, 2001 school dance even.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You know I can never get down with erect shoulders.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I had a shorter version of this as a sundress 9 years ago when cinching on dresses/babydoll style was kewl.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

OMG was there a discount on pink obnoxious fabric at Joann’s this week? Must’ve missed it in my coupon email.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

This week’s edition of is she actually wearing a dress? Not really sure because all I see is skin tone. Only way you can tell she is? I don’t see nips.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Alright, that’s enough. Like really. No more.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Is he robbing a bank or attending the Oscars?

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Your weekly reminder that cutouts make even the skinniest of minis look fat.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

GR8 Camo Shorts Suit, Pharell!


I got a little girl crush on Lucy after seeing Bohemian Rhapsody and honestly expected more from her. Not a huge fan of her purple puffy sleeves. And Rami isn’t wowing me either.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

If I see one more hideous pink dress I’m going to rip my eyeballs clean out of my skull. AND SARAH PAULSON WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING THE LAST STRAW.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a fashion designer. That we all wore polos from in the 90’s/00’s. We trusted his taste in clothing. That’s all.



91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m a sucker for a little sass in the back and Bradley looks like a classic babe as always.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Sparkly and sexy without being skaaaaaanky. Well done, Brie.


I ❤ the color of this dress but the hair is a hard pass for me.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Back to back moments with this robin’s egg blue for me.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I support anyone who wants to live out their Belle fantasy on the red carpet.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Flattering and fun!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The Isadora diamond in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days is what made me want a canary diamond engagement ring and I’m still not over it. My 13 year old taste in diamonds has not wavered, which is why I’m blown away by this Tiffany necklace. I WANT IT. The dress fabric hips are real weird but honestly that necklace sold the look for me and finishes out Gaga’s classy run this awards season.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Dug the headband and the fun bottom of this dress.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though the dress looked red on TV and I thought Helen had lost her marbles saying her and Jason Momoa matched, I see now that she doesn’t need to be put in a home and also looks great.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

A beautiful disco ball.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Love a good puffy ball gown!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Matching lip and lace! And yes, she’s pregnant. Don’t feel like an asshole, I also questioned if she was at this angle.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

I feel like I usually see Laura Dern in the same exact long sleeve gown every red carpet so I ‘preciate this twist and she pulls it off!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Every girl collectively swoons at MB Jordz bringing his mom as his date. She’s on my best dressed as a courtesy and because I thought it would be rude to crop her out (Earn your spot, Mama Jordan, no handouts going forward.) Michael looks like a stunner as always.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Jason is 100% easily my favorite pink look of the night. Right down to his matching scrunchie. Get itttttttttt. (Again, drama with cropping out what clearly doesn’t belong on the best dressed….Lisa it’s obvious you should see yourself out.)

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I miss Paul Rudd. Where’s he been?

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Was this the only white dress of the night? It’s basically a sheet cinched at the hip and yet Regina looks sexy.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

My way of including the guys who stand out from a regular ole black tux.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

A vision in blue.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I don’t have a best dressed of the night because I wasn’t blown away by anyone and I’m not gonna bullshit for the final night of awards season. Do better next year ya buhholes. So in closing, here’s not one but TWO photos of a celebrity flashing the peace sign on the red carpet of the biggest awards show of the year like he’s a dad posing in front of the Eiffel Tower and not nominated for Best Actor (lookin at you Viggo.) It made me laugh. A lot. (Also peep Ed Begley Jr’s kicks for an extra laugh. WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOSE?)

Red Carpet

Oscars 2018 Red Carpet

The final awards show this season and one last chance for me to get my shots in about the people who starred in the top movies I never saw this past year. JK I saw Ladybird and I, Tonya, so I pretty much crushed it. Fun plot twist this year, apparently if you went to the Olympics and everyone loved you, you also got an invite to the Oscars. Hm, ok. Don’t hate it because I’m an Olympics superfan but still a little weird. Also I’m not sure if all the ladies were on the same page for “wear a color for your cause” because it seemed as though there was a toss up between pink, white and red for which color makes the TIME’S UP statement. Anyway, here we GO!


90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

Excuse me ma’am did you get lost and stumble onto the red carpet? What’s the security like out there?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m all about the gold and I would love this dress if it didn’t have the girl scout sash of beads across her shoulder.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m not even kidding I thought this was a costume for an SNL sketch because 90% of the time Maya looks like she’s smirking and there’s no way that this can be taken seriously.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Thanks for showing up with astro turf on your bod.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

From what I hear (spoiler alert) this is the actress who played a mute woman who had sex with a swamp creature and this dress isn’t doing anything to distract me from that.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

These flowers are annoying me. I realize how petty I’m being but GUESS WHAT ITS MY RED CARPET AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This take might ruffle some feathers because everyone is drooling all over this dress but what the hell is with the GIANT BOW dangling off her basically non-existent waist?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love a good mint but the top half of this is too house on the prairie.

90th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

This is not what I was expecting. Is the Oscars really the place to debut a pink sparkly number with giant hoops? Just wondering.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Ok, that is enough.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Looking over her sunglasses (definitely transition lenses) at the camera like this is such a bold red carpet pose I don’t even know what to do with it. Doesn’t change the fact that she’s wearing a bedspread.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’ve been a real flip flopper on this. Originally I was like ok she’s quirky and yellow is different but then I always circle back to you’re making history as the first female director nominated in like 30 years and you chose to wear a banana colored prom dress on the big night.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Armie, you’re probably the hottest guy at the Oscars (no Leo this year 😦 or Harry Styles…) and you chose to dress like a waiter. I do not accept this.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love me some Adam Rippon and his sass on sass on sass at the Olympics was everything I never knew I needed but this outfit unfortunately is not.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a lot happening all at once.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

Apparently this old bird wore this dress to the Oscars when they first started or something and repurposed it for this year’s red carpet.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a cotton candy snooze.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals



90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Full disclosure at first I hated this but now it’s growing on me and also male fashion was slim pickins’ this year.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Gal basically adorned herself in diamonds & sparkles and this is how you should dress for the Oscars.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I feel like we haven’t seen Sandy in forever and I’ve missed her so much. I would’ve rather watched her and Nicole Kidman shoot the shit about Practical Magic and drinking tequila for 3 hours than the actual awards.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Zendaya usually dresses like a real asshole so I approve of this wholeheartedly.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Pretty sure this is Margot Robbie’s go-to look this awards season but it obviously works so whatever.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Obviously not the best Emma’s ever looked but her hair looks fresh AF and she’s rockin the sexy biz suit deal.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Since Meryl has declared herself queen of all, I’m assuming red was the official time’s up color for this show.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

They’re so cute and ever since I saw The Big Sick I’m all about these two lovebirds.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I wouldn’t dare put Taraji on the worst dressed. Did you see her curbstomp Ryan Seacrest?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Camila kind of looks dead behind the eyes and Matthew does nothing but creep me out ever since Magic Mike but props to the coordination of her jewels and his bowtie.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Look at this little heartthrob nugget. Brought his mom as his date and wears a white tux, panty soaker 101.

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I shit on Giuliana a lot so here’s me being nice. She looks fab.

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I’m putting my prejudices aside as I’ve been re-watching One Tree Hill and Maria as Jules is one of the worst characters on this planet but she looks like a babe soda.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Ya’ll know I dig a good princess ball gown.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Still can’t believe this is Jonah Hill’s sis.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The one Olympian who got it right for the red carpet. Good thing Tonya Harding wasn’t invited…

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This stomps all over Meryl Streep’s red gown, respectfully of course.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals90th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I’ll group these two together since that’s what the red carpet did all night. They showed up as dates to talk about feminist legislation and stuff. Both look gr8. I’m really digging on the flower gown.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is tough because Laura is on point here but you KNOW how I hate a rogue sleeve. So unnecessary.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Only MJB can make Jimmy Neutron hair look this classy.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Now this is a boss outfit.


90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m obsessed with everything going on here. The dress. The color. Her windblown model hair. The fact that she hasn’t aged a day ever. DO IT UP JEN.

Red Carpet

Oscars 2017 Red Carpet

Awards season is over and if we’re being real it kinda sucked this year. No one’s outfit made me uncontrollably drool because it was so amahzing and on the flip, no one’s was so offensively bad that I wanted to burn my TV just from looking at it. And realistically you know I’m all about extremes. Dramatic reactions or bust. Anyway, the Oscars took a sharp nosedive roughly 6 minutes into the show when JT handed that mic over to Jimmy Kimmel and everyone knows it. Here’s what people wore to this snoozeroni.


89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This weird panel down the middle of her top isn’t doing it for me.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Sweet butterflies, you get that dress at Aeropastale?

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I don’t know if he does this on purpose but like does he ever take a break from being Lucious Lyon?

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This is so bad that I’m almost wondering if someone tried to F with Dakota and told her the Oscars were doing an ancient time period theme.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

If we’re being honest I discriminate against velvet because the texture isn’t my favorite. But also this polka dot thing is weird.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

That belt is from Hot Topic.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I’m so confused by this afro wig situation. The top left looks like they finished putting this on her head and were like eh needs a little more fake hair and just plopped some on top. It’s a rogue fro and I can’t stop looking at it in horror.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Yeah, ok.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I probably wouldn’t have hated this so much had I not seen the baby nub ponytail that Charlize is rocking in the back when she presented onstage. Threw off the whole vibe.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Red Carpet

Weird satin pants/skirt combo deal. Plus word on the street is she was paid to wear this and that’s some bullshit.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Nothing like a good front ruffle. Naht.


89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Chad Radwell can get it.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

There’s nothing Michael Strahan can’t do. Swagger on swagger.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Hair color is pretty woofie but I’m down with this dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Very close second to being my favorite look of the night.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Leslie Mann is crushing this color.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You can pretty much never go wrong with a black dress and red lip.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though Taraji’s roll-on Bath and Body Works body glitter was v distracting while she was presenting, she looks hawt here.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Michelle literally looks like she’s in pain. Just ignore that and admire the dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Check that pocket square though.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a momentous occasion. Nicole Kidman looks ACTUALLY GOOD and made my best dressed!! Congrats to you, grl. What an honor.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Emma Stone is flawle$$.



89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

These ruffles are stupid but I would NEVER put RyRy on the worst dressed.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I can dig the geometric neckline.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I put this on here so my boyfriend wouldn’t get mad at me because he has a crush on The Rock.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Blue suit of the night.


This is nice. I seriously don’t even have anything to say about dresses anymore. It’s Monday morning and I’m sitting next to a live construction zone aggressively using power tools and no I am not ok. My brain hurts.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals



89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Hot Damn your boy looks good here. And he banged the opener so hard. Because he is perfect.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Special shoutout to Jess because I actually really liked this look and I always shit on her because she stole my man. Also couple goals that she grooved with him in the aisle. Timberlakes 4 life.

Movies, Television

Oscars 2016 Recap


WHOA. If you were looking for an uplifting three and half, yes THREE AND A HALF hours on a Sunday night, you probably shouldn’t have tuned into the Oscars. Hollywood is RACIST, college campuses are RAMPANT with sexual assault and the earth is MELTING…but here are a bunch of awards for movies you probably didn’t see! YAY! Here’s a VERY cliff notes version of what you may have missed–other than a lot of scolding about how terrible we are as a human race.

-Chris Rock’s monologue was funny and succeeded in making white people feel like garbage can racists. Really could’ve used a little Michael Scott in there to ease the tension in the room.

-In efforts to speed up the longest, most boring awards show ever, the Oscars introduced the “Thank You” ticker to run onscreen as winners walked up to the stage. They hoped that by getting all the names out of the way, stars would give cool speeches that everyone can turn into powerful quote gifs, except that didn’t even a little bit happen. The show ran over by 35 minutes, everyone repeated all the names they already shouted out AIM profile style in the ticker and the speeches were DUDS.

-Stacey Dash gave everyone the uncomfies. Literally. We could see it on their faces.

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-Jared Leto suggested that I google “Merkin”, so I did. And I regretted it. #PubeWig

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-Mad Max looks scary as hell and also it won 5 awards b2b. Costume designers continue to dress like they’re going out to grab a burger. In 1995.


-This guy killin the creepy smile/wave game and it’s essentially a mirror image of me when an attractive male looks my way.


-Hollywood loves Samoas just as much as they love pizza.

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-Another new addition to the awards, pop up video style facts every time someone took the stage. In theory it was informative–in reality, it became very clear which actors have never sniffed at an Oscar. Sofia Vergara’s fun fact was that she once starred in a movie with an Oscar-winner. So that’s really embarrassing.

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-Fake Suge Knight got more camera-time than J.Law. LoL to this blonde for grabbing her 15 seconds of fame though.

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-Sam Smith declared he was the first openly gay man to win an Oscar in his speech…whoops, not so fast, Sammy!

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-In probably the best bit of the night, Chris Rock trolls moviegoers in Compton. My favorite part is when Chris promises these are real movie titles and the girl replies, “Like in London and stuff?” Click here to watch.

-Jacob Tremblay finishes awards season strong as the cutest little nugget.



Chris was gr8 in Madagascar.

-LEO WINS HIS OSCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a BOSS.

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Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2016

Awards season is OOOOOVERRRRRR. And not a minute too soon, honestly because I feel like this year’s showing has been rough city. Since I know you’re all wondering, I wore custom extra baggy sweatpants with “Cuse” written on the left leg in zebra print (REPRESENT) paired with a men’s thermal long sleeve shirt (no bra, obviously) and Saturday night’s hair–tousled to perfection (slept in.) Let’s see how the stars compared…


88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this?

At first I only saw the back and had high hopes for the front…but womp wompp the front is long pasties essentially.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’d be so down with this dress if it was strapless and the weird pocket swoops didn’t happen.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Oh Jared, you cut the ombre pony and then wear this? It’s all wrong.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Emily normally kills it but I’m not in love with this color or style on her.

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Not her best.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Not to be confused with Oprah…a woman with a chest tat and a diamond spider on her hand.

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This is an Easter egg bridesmaid gown ‘splosion.

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The diamond cutout, the curtains material, the 90’s platforms–all make for worst dressed.

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This looks like something Goldie Hawn would wear in First Wives Club. (I don’t even know where that came from…don’t question it.)


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To be honest I didn’t fall over backward for this look, as I’ve been known to do with anything Rachel wears. That sideboob though, scandal.

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Jennifer is elegant AF.

KATE & LEO! Giving the people what they want, walking the red carpet as Jack and Rose, if Jack didn’t die in freezing cold waters. Credit where credit is due, Kate tried something completely different here and looks like a sexbomb. Leo brings it out in her, prob.

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These two are always looking fresh and adding a baby bump to the mix didn’t change a thing.

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Julianne puts a twist on the classic black gown.

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Love the matching necklace

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Our two purple beauties B2B, Reese looks like she doesn’t age ever.


Normally hate ruffles but you can’t deny JLaw looks like a hot piece here.

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Lady Gaga in a classy white jumpsuit, minimal jewels and makeup! Go, gurl.

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Was this the only red of the night? That’s one way to stand out. The other is to have a slit down to your belly button.

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Sarah looks probably the best I’ve ever seen her look.

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Seacrest looking sharp as ever in a grey jacket.

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This is easily my favorite man look of the night. Michael looks fresh 2 death.

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I love this color on her, wish the bottom hem wasn’t bubbled like that.

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Normally don’t go for the all-over sparkles but she looks gr8.

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Damn I wish she wore her hair down because she has perfect hair always in Quantico but this dress is the stuff.

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Eddie Redmayne doesn’t have a stylist and him and the wifey consistently look like fashionistas on the red carpet.

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Fun fact: Liev picked out this dress for Naomi and even though there’s a lot going on there I think she crushes it.

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I did a double take because I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sacha lookin this good. Isla looks fab even though it looks like she’s wearing an ocean-themed shower curtain.

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Brie looking like a dime and also forcing Ryan Seacrest to mop up his drool as he interviews her and yaps about how everything she says is SO AWESOME.


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I just really love this color. Plus she looks like a stunner.

Movies, Television

Oscars 2015 Recap

Not one to miss out on milking this shit for all it’s worth, I of course had to also recap the big kahuna of all awards shows, the Oscars. The Oscars are notorious for being long and boring as shit. There’s not a lot of alcohol, there’s 1 million categories, many of which contain movies in different languages and they’re really serious. Last year Ellen hosted and managed to make it upbeat and snappy and not excruciating. This year I had high hopes that Neil Patrick Harris would pick up where she left off. Unfortunately, he did not. Here are the highs and lows of the Oscars including a little breakdown of NPH’s opener.

NPH’s monologue was a little bit of talking and a WHOLE lot of singing. I’m not into musicals so that didn’t really do it for me. Save it for the Tony’s. He kicks it off with a great joke about Selma getting snubbed: “Tonight we honor the best and whitest–sorry brightest.” and it all goes downhill after that. The musical number is about how great movies are and there’s a lot of green screen graphics, then Anna Kendrick joins in for shits and hey why not Jack Black too? Jack hates on movies though so they kick him offstage and AK throws her shoe at him. At this point I wanted to throw my shoes at my TV, but I held out hope it would pick up.

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Anna Kendrick sang about NPH getting his throat slit in Gone Girl and they shouted it out to the Kanye interruption which I never need to hear a joke about again for the rest of my life. We all need to cut the shit with giving Kanye the attention he so dearly wants.I think the best part of this opening song was when they panned to the crowd and everyone had a blank stare, I’m also pretty sure Jason Bateman was asleep. Look, alive Oscars…there’s more shitty jokes to come! Here are the best and worst moments, neither of which contain a star-studded selfie that broke Twitter (Miss you Ellen).


-NPH’s several tux changes were on point.

-JK Simmons wins and tells everyone to call their parents and listen to them for as long as they want to talk and tell them you love them. This went into effect for me immediately when my mom started texting me from her email on her brand new iPhone 6 that she has no idea how to use. Luh yuh Mom, but technology isn’t for you.

-Adam Levine performs “Lost Stars” from Begin Again (when he dabbled in acting) and every woman in America needed a change of undies after he got down on his knees to serenade them.

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-Polish filmmaker won for foreign film “Ida” gave the longest no F’s given speech ever. He rambled on and called out his drunk Polish friends and as the music started to play him off he just shouted over it until the music was like K, you win. Nailed it. This set a precedent for everyone to give absolutely no regards to the orchestra for the rest of the night. If they really wanted someone to get offstage they were going to have to go up there and drag them off. Well played.

-Neil Patrick Harris hit the crowd and was chatting with all of the seat fillers and pretended that Steve Carrell was also one. It was awkward and unfunny but Steve actually rescued this bit as he’s known to do. He was the best at improv club after all.

-Patricia Arquette wins for best supporting actress and is suuuuper out of breath but she manages to get out some Feminist, Girl Power equal pay shoutouts and Queen Meryl pulls her pom poms out from under her seat and almost rushes the stage in excitement. JLo also shakes it for feminism.


-Common and John Legend perform Glory and bring the house down. John Legend can serenade me with his angel voice until forever. Apparently Hollywood agrees because they get a standing O and lots of tears.

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-The Ultimate CREEP of the night award goes to none other than John Travolta. He started things off hot on the red carpet by getting all up in ScarJo’s biz:


Then Idina Menzel presented with him, introduced him as Glom Gizingo (Ha-Ha…Get it cause last year he called her Adele Dazeem and we heard about it for the next 7 months?) and he delivered a quick face rape that I had to cover my eyes for. Here’s a friendly tip, Glom, if you want to seem hip and in on the joke, maybe don’t also give everyone the heebie jeebies while you’re at it. Easily the most entertaining moment of the night though watching Idina try to escape his petting with a smile on her face like this was all planned.

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-Glory wins for best song and we find out that Common’s real name is Lonnie Lynn.

-Lady GaGa does a Sound of Music tribute and for once in her life wears a gorgeous dress, doesn’t do anything zany with her hair or makeup and let’s her great singing voice do the talking. I can dig it. Julie Andrews can too because she geeks out over it and they hug it out.


-Guy with glasses in the hairtastic Birdman crew thanks Larry, his dog, among his children. Seriously why don’t dogs get more shout outs at awards show? They’re more important than your children.

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-“Gone Girl was originally titled ‘Bitches Be Trippin, Yo’”-NPH

-Eddie Redmayne wins best actor which was announced in the most casj fashion ever from Cate Blanchett, “Okie dokey, Smokey, the winner is…” (I’m guessing that wasn’t on the teleprompter.) Anyway, Eddie loses his shit onstage and it’s kinda adorable and kinda frightening at the same time. He pulls it togets long enough to shout it on out to ALS. No ice buckets though.


-Tegan & Sara/Lonely Island perform “Everything is Awesome” from the Lego Movie. Apparently children’s movies are now best enjoyed on acid because this performance had strobe lights and bright colored cowboys and stuffed dogs. It was too much.

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Also since when are three goobers who sing about jizzing in their pants and F-ing mermaids allowed to soundtrack a kids movie? I was really holding out for a remix with one of the old classics. It didn’t happen so feel free to listen to them anyway to forget that stupid song about being awesome.

-There’s a whole lotta suicide action at the show and it’s a real downer. Two women win for (something I’ve never seen and therefore quickly forgot) and as the music is aggressively playing them off, one woman says that she lost her son to suicide and we should all talk about it. The music immediately cuts and maybe we should talk about this later? Then Graham Moore from The Imitation Game accepts an Oscar and is all thanks Oprah for my Oscar tralala when I was fifteen I tried to kill myself. He makes it inspiring but things took a sharp turn real quick. The moral of the story is keep being weird and different and alive and you too will one day get to meet Oprah.

-NPH takes to the crowd again to do a bit with David Oyelowo about how nothing is offensive with a British accent (which usually is true, Brits get away with everything cause they sound classy AF) but this time it’s a really lame bit that’s unfunny. C’mon Neil. Actually while we’re on shitty bits, let’s also discuss when he comes out in his tighty whities. We get it, you have abs for days, but was this necessary?


-This year’s “pizza” joke was the locked box that NPH kept his predictions in that he made before the show even started and then brought it up 100 times throughout the night to assure everyone that they were secure and have not been tampered with. At the end of the night the payoff is a bunch of one liners of specific things that happened throughout the night. It was stupid and drawn out. The only prediction I laughed at was “Travolta will be back again next year to apologize to Idina for all the face touching.”

-Meryl opens up for the In Memoriam segment saying that actors will always be remembered because we have their body of work that will always live on. Basically if you haven’t performed in something everyone will forget you after you die. The In Memoriam segment itself is just a bunch of drawings of dead people set to sad music. WOOooOooF. Then Jennifer Hudson uses her powerhouse voice to honor them. She has slicked back hair that my mom described via text, “must feel yucky to touch.”

-Terence Howard almost cries onstage about Selma and then gets grabby with the mic which obviously causes some feedback. First time on stage bro?

-Sean Penn presents Best Picture to Birdman and announces it gracefully with “Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?” A little racism to end the night on…the director responds with, “Two Mexicans in a row, that’s suspicious I guess.” Yiikes.


And that completes the 3 1/2 hour portion of my life dedicated to awards shows every Sunday. I hope that you enjoyed my endless recaps and fashion blogs this awards season. We’ll pick up right where we left off when the 500 Country Music Awards start again in a just a few months time. I for one, cannot wait.

Movies, Red Carpet, Television

Oscars Red Carpet 2015

This is the last time this season that I’ll get to snark all over famous people in designer dresses while I wear an oversized tee shirt and yoga pants glued to my couch…and it’s bittersweet really. Awards season just flew right on by, and yet it’s still winter. Here are the people who showed up to the biggest awards show in the biz looking wooftastic. To be fair though, they did have to deal with some pretty aggressive rainfall and for that alone they deserve all the awards.

Worst Dressed:

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Eddie Redmayne’s plain suit and hunchback posture and his wife’s curtain dress. No and no.

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This saggy dress is doing nothing for her Gina Rodriguez’s body but make it look like she has a uniboob. Also that bun is aggress.

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First time ever Jared Leto’s hair hasn’t been on point. Add in an umbrella and powder blue suit and I can’t get on board.

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JK Simmons and wifey look like they’re posing for one of those old timey Wild West photoshoots.

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Thank GOD this is the last awards show because I’ve had ENOUGH of Keira Knightley and her whimsical butterfly applique dresses.

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Hate to do this because Kelly looks great, but John Travolta IS a wax figure, right? Hard to believe I used to crush on him during the Danny Zuko days. Also he’s wearing a chain choker.

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Not into the white suit on anyone.

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This is probably the most normal thing Lady GaGa has worn and yet she still managed to borrow Mr. Clean’s gloves and ruin it.

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Don’t even know who this is but this dress is hideous. Sorry, girl.

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I really loved this a lot, Marion Cotillard and then I saw the back…

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This looks a little witchy for me.

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I get that Meryl is God and everyone bows down to her but seriously can she start dressing like it? These church outfits with her hair pulled back are real roughsicles.

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That red belt ruined it for me. Looks like a karate belt.

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WAY too much green. Also reeeaalllllyyy not into her David Beckham hair.

Singer Solange Knowles arrives at the 87th Academy Awards in Hollywood

1. Why is Solange Knowles at the Oscars? 2. Where is her body?

87th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals channeling Beetlejuice.

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This bid Zendaya has been at every awards show this season looking terrible and I would like an explanation. How does a Disney channel star get to attend everything and bomb the red carpet every single time?

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Real Talk: This dress is not doing her any favors.

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Again, not doing any favors. I know she’s skinny AF but she looks wide here.

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Best Dressed:

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I almost put Reese on the worst dressed list simply because I think this was her worst look this season. But then I decided to stop being a B…she still looks good I guess.

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Hawtest couple of the night. Suits on point.

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Although this is a side shot, JLo’s boobs were OBVIOUSLY out to play. Yeah yeah she always looks young and hot and great. Blah, blah. She wore the same exact dress all season. Yawn.

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This photo only made the list because Mark Ruffalo’s wife looks great but check out that stank face. Girl is ABOVE this red carpet bullshit.

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America looks GREAT and it’s a color no one else wore, props.

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Can’t resist that sparkle on Anna Faris.

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Wittle baby Ansel crushing his first Oscars.

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I’m a sucker for a turquoise necklace.

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One of my fave couples bringing it as always.

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Jessica Chastain getting boobalicious but not over the top (JLo, take notes.)

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Cheryl Hines looking young and fresh in a sparkly one strap.

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Chloe Grace Moretz in a princess ball gown.

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Yum. Where’s his “best friend from home” Tara?

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Damn, grl.

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Could’ve dressed up the gym ponytail but whatevs I’ll throw her a bone for the dress.

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David Oyelowo (still have to google that) always has a snazzy tux.

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Edward looks plain but his wife is pulling that mermaid dress OFF.

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Not my favorite from Emma, I mean her sparkle pantsuit DID win my best dressed of the night at the Globes, but not the worst either.

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Almost won my favorite look of the night until Cin got all Joan Rivers on me and told me it wasn’t that great. Whatevs. I think this dress is cool and different.

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Flower’s a little much but Gwen looks gr8.

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Jamie Chung with a fireworks dress.

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Jen is back in my good grace’s after some terrible looks this season. Ending on a high note.

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Only yellow of the night!

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SUMMER’S HERE. Lara Spencer rockin that hot pink/turquoise combo.

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I’m pretty sure Laura Dern is old as shit and she DOES NOT look like it here.

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Lupita just knows how to red carpet it up.

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This is mostly about Miles Teller’s hawt girlfriend bringing the heat.

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SASS in the BACK.

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Another one ending on a high note after a dicey awards season, Rosamund Pike.

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Twist on the typical black gown.

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Nance looks fab, I guess Steve does too.

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Viola Davis in a flattering ball gown.

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AK with coral and T’s (tastefully) out for the red carpet.

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Didn’t she just pop out twins? Pregnancy Rack – Baby Bump= Bangin.

And finally my favorite look of the night and Best Dressed of the Oscars 2015 goes toooooooooo……

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Margot Robbie, the australian smokeshow who is my age. I also look like this when I go out on the town, so whatevs.

Bonus: Other than a bunch of stupid questions and awkward what are you wearing’s, this happened on the red carpet, and it was adorbsies: