WHOA. If you were looking for an uplifting three and half, yes THREE AND A HALF hours on a Sunday night, you probably shouldn’t have tuned into the Oscars. Hollywood is RACIST, college campuses are RAMPANT with sexual assault and the earth is MELTING…but here are a bunch of awards for movies you probably didn’t see! YAY! Here’s a VERY cliff notes version of what you may have missed–other than a lot of scolding about how terrible we are as a human race.

-Chris Rock’s monologue was funny and succeeded in making white people feel like garbage can racists. Really could’ve used a little Michael Scott in there to ease the tension in the room.

-In efforts to speed up the longest, most boring awards show ever, the Oscars introduced the “Thank You” ticker to run onscreen as winners walked up to the stage. They hoped that by getting all the names out of the way, stars would give cool speeches that everyone can turn into powerful quote gifs, except that didn’t even a little bit happen. The show ran over by 35 minutes, everyone repeated all the names they already shouted out AIM profile style in the ticker and the speeches were DUDS.

-Stacey Dash gave everyone the uncomfies. Literally. We could see it on their faces.

-Jared Leto suggested that I google “Merkin”, so I did. And I regretted it. #PubeWig

-Mad Max looks scary as hell and also it won 5 awards b2b. Costume designers continue to dress like they’re going out to grab a burger. In 1995.

-This guy killin the creepy smile/wave game and it’s essentially a mirror image of me when an attractive male looks my way.

 

-Hollywood loves Samoas just as much as they love pizza.

-Another new addition to the awards, pop up video style facts every time someone took the stage. In theory it was informative–in reality, it became very clear which actors have never sniffed at an Oscar. Sofia Vergara’s fun fact was that she once starred in a movie with an Oscar-winner. So that’s really embarrassing.

-Fake Suge Knight got more camera-time than J.Law. LoL to this blonde for grabbing her 15 seconds of fame though.

-Sam Smith declared he was the first openly gay man to win an Oscar in his speech…whoops, not so fast, Sammy!

-In probably the best bit of the night, Chris Rock trolls moviegoers in Compton. My favorite part is when Chris promises these are real movie titles and the girl replies, “Like in London and stuff?” Click here to watch.

-Jacob Tremblay finishes awards season strong as the cutest little nugget.

-LEO WINS HIS OSCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a BOSS.