RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Spinning a Web”

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Before everyone verbally curb stomps each other this week, let’s first work out some aggression with a trendy Soul Cycle fundraiser for Kyle and Mauricio. No, not for THEM—for Habitat for Humanity OF COURSE! If they didn’t announce where the money was being donated, I would have to assume the real charity here is spending an hour with Russ, a fabulous gay wearing a skull and crossbones headband yelling at you to go harder as he dances on the bike to Katy Perry. Lisa agrees with me when she’s like okay where do I drop the check, see ya! Lisa’s effort level in this spin class is right on par with how hard I tried the 2 times I’ve taken Zumba in my life. It’s more about the social aspect and beats, less about the actual exercise.

Eileen meets the girls at lunch after their charitable trip to the gym because she had to work. WINK, WINK. Just kitten, she probably was totes actually working considering she’s the only one with a job in this group of lassies. She can’t really afford to take a spin class on a weekday afternoon. There’s some light banter about her latest shower sex scene in Salem or whatever fictional soap town she’s at these days. But wait a second, party’s not over yet. Kathryn sees you a steamy fake shower makeout, and raises you two tickets to the gun show. That’s right, she whips those bad boys out right at the table with no concerns as to what the gun policy is at the restaurant.

It’s a good thing Kathryn finally locks those away because what ensues next definitely doesn’t need anymore ammo. Kyle turns into a third grader with the ole, no one will notice if I turn to the person next to me at lunch and whisper yell something controversial. C’mon Kyle…at least text Lisa, it’s still obvious but you’d probably be less likely to start a war with Yolanda. Some passive aggressive bitching takes place about the Rinna vs. Yolanda saga. Yo tells Kyle that she’s butting in where she doesn’t belong; Kyle tells Yo that she’s being rude. Kathryn notes a tone in Yo’s voice. (Hey Kathryn, go back to kissing your biceps, pls.) And I want to stab myself and bleed out if I hear the word Munchausen’s one more G-D time. The lunch ends awkwardly.

While everyone is fighting over Rinna at lunch, she’s busy guest-starring on Jenny McCarthy’s dirty birdie Sirius show—where a typical topic of convo is about strap-ons. Rinna’s like oopsie my mouth keeps goin and gettin me into trouble, LoL! Ok, Rinna.

Later on, Kathryn and Erika eat takeout salads and cinnamon rolls before they work out. Kathryn doesn’t even properly appreciate the Cinnabon and treats their hang like a job interview, telling Erika to describe her strengths and weaknesses. Erika opens up about how she was mean girl’ed a lot when she was younger and her BFF was her grandma until she died. Kathryn is like I can replace her! Let’s cool our heels, Kathryn. You’re getting paid to hang out with Erika at the moment. Then the two talk about how Lisa is a shiesty MF’er.

Oh, and Yolanda email-burned Kyle and CC’ed everyone else on it. Not blind CC’ed, not accidentally replied all, loud and proud copied everyone on Kyle’s written spanking. (Have I mentioned how much I love Yolanda?) The producers have each housewife round robin read it. What a fun story time hour!

In order to properly celebrate the birthday that Lisa doesn’t want to draw attention to, she floats on a pink flamingo in her pool and makes her hired help bring her a cup of tea. Then she brings the girls down to her personal wine bar just so they can look at it, and then cuddle her new puppy “Schnooki”. Even though there are enough animals at the Vanderpump Estate to make up a traveling circus, Kathryn really wanted to get Lisa something that she wasn’t expecting. That’s why she tells Lisa her and Erika talked shit about her. HapPy BiRtHdAy Gurllllll! Everyone’s like what’s that? And Kathryn’s all, yeah Erika told me not to get caught in Vanderpump’s web, but more importantly she shed six years. I know, because I counted. Then collected them in a jar. Then Eileen stepped in and tried to back Erika up but basically just shoots herself in the foot and restarts her feud with Lisa from the Hamptons. I went through my bank statements dating back to 2014 because it’s infinitely more interesting than this new fight. THE END.

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