RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- A Carnival of Butts

bbq

You’re never fully a housewife until we’ve seen your digs and Kathryn has officially been initiated. Since she has more than one abode, we got a peek at her “San Diego house” and it’s plush with holy Jerusalem stone and Italian marble. There’s even an infrared sauna, which everyone apparently has…well everyone except for Rinna. She probably can’t afford it with her QVC income but she knows she WANTS one. Ask her what an infrared sauna does and she would not be able to tell you but she does know that it does good stuff. So that’s all that matters.

During lunch at the San Diego “party house”, Eileen casually brings up how she’s been up all night tossing and turning trying to figure out who narc’ed to Yolanda. If you’ll recall, Erika flat out lied about it last week, but this week she owns up in that queen top bun of hers. “I told Yolanda and also this salad is amazing,” is all that needs to be said to move on to a very awkward and forced discussion about the food. This spins into a ha-ha but really actually serious conversation about how Rinna never eats. LoL Rinna eats once a year but also everyone would like to know why she’s discussing an eating disorder like a knock-knock joke. Cue the tossback to Kim telling Rinna to eat a piece of bread in Amsterdam and now we’ve full-on dove into a Kim tell-all for the new ladies who don’t care at all what happened last season but the producers told them to ask. Rinna puts a spin zone on her hulk-smashing of a wineglass off the table way back when but conveniently can’t really get into it with Kyle sitting right there. So Kyle dramatically excuses herself and sits in the other room with Lisa while the rest of the unaware dum dums continue their discussion of her sister on the patio. Does this really need to happen? I don’t think anyone is picking up this show right this second, so we’ve all SEEN this and don’t want to relive it. However, since they’re clearly stuck for storylines and there’s only so much Lyme disease we can talk about (that will be coming later on), we need to vet out characters and storylines past.

ALSO, so Kathryn can turn on her tears real quick and share with the group that her dad committed suicide when she was 13 and struggled with addiction, so that’s why she felt the need to insert herself into the Richards sister triangle of hate. The other room eavesdroppers enter back into the scene and are like omg, what did we miss? The real takeaway here is that everyone thinks Kathryn has a beautiful cry face and Rinna has a disgusting one.

After the trip, the Girardi’s and Vanderpumps have dinner. Or more accurately, they meet up to assess and judge each other one on one. Thankfully, Lisa approves of Erika’s husband and when Lisa approves of something you never need to worry, dahling. It’s probable that she likes Tom so much because he’s shamelessly slobbering all over her. At one point I wonder if maybe Ken and Erika should leave those two alone, but after seeing how Tom reacts when Erika interrupts him I dare not suggest that she leave a dinner unannounced. Tom telling Erika that it was not her turn to speak had a VERY dad hit mom at the dinner table and everyone’s acting like it’s fine feel to it.

This just in: Adrienne needs a paycheck and a platform to promote her new skincare line, so here she is lunching with Kyle. They’re wearing the same color HAHA, #twinsies. After Adrienne tells us where we can purchase her product, the gals dish some more about Kim and Kyle cries a lot. At the same time, Rinna shows her daughters some poems her sister wrote. It’s an ideal time to do so because Rinna’s sister died of an overdose and addiction is a hot button topic this episode. Obviously these poems relate back to Rinna talking about Kim and how deeply this affects her still.

But enough about addiction, it’s time to talk about Lyme disease again at Erika’s backyard banger. Take notes, Kyle, because BBQ’s should be more like this…with carnival games and gay men splashing about in the pool. Erika has a glam squad prepare her for the event after shitting all over Kyle for wearing a gown to her own BBQ so this seems hypocritical. Mikey is on standby to say things like, “Queen of everything has arrived, to her own party,” and watch Erika eat juicy corn on a stick so close to her Cavalli cover-up in horror.

Eileen shows up in a bikini/dress with abs and hips and cleavage for days. She proudly reveals that Erika took her shopping. It’s so cute how much Eileen wants to be just like Erika. Get down with your bad self, grl. Yolanda stole a white pantsuit from GiGi’s closet and it fits her perfectly, of course. Locky, a dancer for Katy Perry twerks by the side of the pool. GANG’S ALL HERE!

The girls all gather round the picnic table to talk about why Ken follows Lisa everywhere. Just kidding, they talk about Mowshen disease of course…and every other variation that Yolanda and her regal accent can come up with. Rinna’s like you still mad, Yo? And the answer is a hard yes. There’s a lot of shouting about munch-hausen-frausen and it’s nothing we haven’t heard before. It’s such a dumb fight that cutting to Donnie explaining football to Ken is a welcome interruption. Ken smiles politely while trying to keep an ear to the drama just in case he’s needed to make an insensitive comment or insult anyone who looks at Lisa wrong. The climax comes when Erika shouts “TELL US WHO SAID IT!!!!” to Rinna. Rinna doesn’t tell and then her and Yo hug it out. It’s funny because they were slinging spite to each other last week on Twitter, so that hug was about as useful as underwear is to Erika Jayne.

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