It’s no secret I have a thang for Lauren Conrad and another thang for trashy reality television…which comes together quite nicely to make The Hills a re-watchable series for me. Except instead of sitting down and binge-watching, I’ve found that it’s best consumed during a gal pal wine night as a way to feel nostalgic for a time when thick headbands were in style oh, and also to get hammied. I hope that sharing this very official drinking game with all of you will fulfill the overwhelming desire that you once had to booze every time Justin Bobby’s greasy locks and open mouthed burps graced your TV.
Take a Sip When:
-You see LA Traffic or the Hollywood sign
-Brody or Spencer uses the term homeboy or homie
-Audrina/Heidi talk to Chiara/Elodie about their personal lives that these “co-workers” are certainly not a part of.
-Justin Bobby’s hair looks greasy
-LC touches her hair
-“Lisa wants to see you in her office”
-Audrina has a blank stare that displays minimal brain activity, usually directed toward the ceiling.
-Spencer’s sister is referred to as the “She-Pratt”
-Whitney ends an “ing” word with the “k” sound instead
-Anyone starts a sentence with “It’s like…”
-Heidi admits that she has no friends, just Spencer
-The phrase “Be Careful” or “Be Cautious” is uttered about anyone wanting to buddy up to LC’s shady ex-friends
-Spencer calls Heidi “my dear” and sounds like he wants to wear her skin as a suit.
-LC preaches an inspirational quote about love or friendships
-JBobby calls Audrina “dude” as a term of endearment. Swoon.
-LC or Steph are in class to remind us all that they actually go to college
Take a Shot (or Gulp) When:
-LC is hammie sammied
-Whitney’s surprised
-LC cries
-Justin Bobby burps up everything he ate that day (and possibly that week)
-Jen Bunney is shady AF
-A character says something off camera that is very obviously a voiceover dubbed in
-Audrina says she’s DONE with JB…DONE.
-Audrina is over being DONE with JB and takes his “hairstylin” ass back
-Whitney gives LC feedback that is really just repeating what LC said in an advice tone of voice
-An up and comer is introduced on the show like they’re in a garage band and they’re now a huge superstar (i.e. Lady Gaga)
-“ARE THEY TAKING SHOTS?!”
-LC insults Audrina and she’s too stupid to notice, usually referring to her taste in men or Heidi using her to get to LC
-The gang announces that an event or trip will be drama free…and then there’s drama.
Take a Knee & Chug Your Drink When:
-The single black tear rolls down LC’s sad losing-another-BFF face
-LC doesn’t go to Paris
-LC does go to Paris
-Audrina pretends to be friends with Sean Kingston and his crew and has a poster of him in her cube at work
-Trashcan bar-slut redhead kisses Justin Bobby in front of Audrina but when confronted claims, “I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t NOTHING him.”
-Three 22 year olds buy a Hollywood mansion with a built-in pool
-She-Pratt describes the life cycles of pet rodents
-Spencer compares the bickering of basic betches to world conflicts. “It’s like trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along.”
-Spencer hooks up an IV of tequila to Heidi and then convinces her to marry him in Mexico
-Brody goes to Las Vegas reality show jail for dramatic effect
-LC makes her grand exit (Finish all the drinks within reach. It’s the end of the series.)
You know what might be fun for once? Starting an episode fresh and not fresh off of a stupid cliffhanger from the week before. But we can’t always get what we want and so here we are, a week later and Nick is still in the elevator. When he finally enters and greets the group of judgey eyes like they’re about to play a game of pickup basketball and not like he just weaseled his way onto their show, it goes swimmingly. The men are crammed onto one couch and tell Nick to state his case, obviously pretty threatened by this little baby duck in a skin-tight sweatshirt. Once Nick opens his mouth, however, there’s a collective sigh of relief as the boys hear Nick’s debilitating lisp. Nothing to worry about here, can’t have a villain with a lissssssp. Tanner calls him out for hanging with Andi recently (Tanner clearly has an US Weekly hidden under his pillow) and Josh gets a liiiiittle touchy about Nick calling Kaitlyn a cool chick instead of an AMAZING woman.
Cocktail Party @ Citi Field
JJ picks Kaitlyn up like she’s the daintiest bird and runs the bases with her, which would be the cutest thing in the world except that it’s JJ and he’s a douche nugget. Tanner uses the word “pussyfooted” while chatting with Kaitlyn. And Shawn goes all real talk on her ass and says Nick is full of shit. BOOYAH TEAM SHAWN.
Rose Ceremony: Justin, Cupcake, Jared, Ben H., BenZ, Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, Joshua, Nick
“Let’s Take Our Love One Step At A Time”- Ben H.
The crew travels to San Antonio, TX because apparently they’re now a touring band of bros across the USA. Ben H. snags a one on one and Kaitlyn picks him up in a vintage Ford truck that she absolutely does not know how to drive but they make it seem like she does because, Hollywood. Joshua, the welder who struggles to put a coherent sentence together and calls tampons, “tampins” turns into the biggest jelly belly and lurks in the window as Kaitlyn and Ben get into the truck. It makes him miss his truck or his side hobby as a peeping Tom or something. Kaitlyn and Ben learn how to two step from a woman who met her husband two-steppin (Oh, Texas) and then get thrown into a dance competition later on…which is pretty par for the course on these dates. Learn something brand new then embarrass yourself in front of a crowd, ha-ha I’ll choose my future husband based on who doesn’t shit their pants! Anyway, not to brag but I learned how to two step while I was hammered with a true Texan at a country bar in Boston. So I’m probably a professional.
You know who else is a professional? Betty Jo, the 1000 year old woman whose five minute appearance will undoubtedly get her a reality show.
Betty Jo is a shining star. Who needs teeth when you’ve still got your moves? She drags those bones all over the dance floor and tells Kaitlyn and Ben that dancing is love as she gives them a sagging wink. What a firecracker she was. Later on, Kaitlyn tries to get Ben H to open up so he sighs a whole lot and builds up how hard it is to say this… but his last girlfriend told him that he lost the chase. Ok, Ben, more two-steppin, less talkin. He gets rosed.
Group Date: “I Love A Man in Uniform”
Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, BenZ, Joshua, Nick
A cocky lil bitch named Mr. Steal Yo Girl Sebastian serenades Kaitlyn and is like I just melted Kaitlyn’s panties with my singing, try to keep up, boyz. They all have to write and perform mariachi songs….cause embarrassment. STOP MAKING THEM SING, KAITLYN. IT’S PUNISHMENT FOR ALL OF US. Anyway, there’s a lotta room for accidental racism here and I nearly rubbed my hands together with glee. Joshua uses his songwriting time to glare at Nick and plot his murder while Ian uses this time to brag about how he’s a Grammy-winning singer. During the performances, Justin thankfully tucks his swooping comb over under a sombrero and also uses an Italian accent while singing…nailed it. JJ becomes the guitar guy at a party and brings out his acoustic only to mess up the chords. Ian chokes so hard with his whisper singing that JJ is redeemed. And finally, Nick takes Kaitlyn to the balcony to serenade her and works “erection” into his tune. Even Tanner had to give him props for that. Boner jokes. Respect.
Later in a church barn (no, really) Josh is like “hey Kaitlyn, you’re a barber right? Cut my hair while everyone else waits inside.” Barber and dancer are the same thing, right guys? No seriously, did I miss the part when Kaitlyn tells everyone she’s a barber? Kaitlyn proceeds to buzz a hole in Josh’s head and all the boys laugh at him. Justin says Josh’s hair looks like it went through the wood chipper and is a little rough. Let me reiterate that for you…this guy:
judged another man’s hair. Then Nick walks in on Josh talking shit and he does that thing that girls do when they get caught where they just abruptly stop talking and go, “yeah….so that’s it.” Josh tells Nick he hates him but he doesn’t know why, and Nick’s like Ok, cool.
Josh takes one look at Nick’s fluffy hair and gets pissed off again about his shitty haircut so he stomps into the church with Kaitlyn to teach her and God about his male intuition. Apparently it’s a thing guys have when they hate someone but they can’t pinpoint what they hate about them. Josh declares everyone hates Nick but nobody wants to be that weasel to throw somebody under the bus like he has been this ENTIRE season. (i.e. Tony, Clint, JJ, Nick…get a hobby, bruh.) This isn’t Kaitlyn’s first rodeo (Texas pun, lawls) dealing with a bunch of lying turds so she calls Josh out in front of the whole group and Josh hops right onto that welded bike of his and starts backpedaling as fast as he can. The rest of the crew throws him over the bus and drives over him and his stupid haircut until he stops dribbling dumb. Nick gets the rose (in front of Josh) because he’s here and put himself and his tongue out there, while I just wish he would put his tongue away, permanently.
Kayaking One on One with Shawn
Kaitlyn may give us a lot of cringe worthy dates, but we can’t say she doesn’t know how to make it up to us. I present you with, a date that Shawn has to take his shirt off for. Excuse me while I mop up the puddle of drool that I could probably kayak through. While staring at his washboard abs, Kaitlyn confesses that she loves his voice and his smell then quickly stops herself and says she’s getting creepy. Girlfriend, he’s on the show for you…sniff away! While paddling down a river Kaitlyn compares Texas to Europe and I’m willing to bet this is the first time in history that comparison has ever been made. Ah yes, this dirty river and rental kayaks accompanied with the smell of barbecue really remind me of the rolling hills in Tuscany.
At their bonfire in the evening, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up and talk about how happy they are, making it a perfect time for Shawn to talk about the time he almost died in a car wreck a few years ago. Apparently his car flipped a bunch and a cop told him he shouldn’t have survived, no biggie, but today was really fun!!! (Side bar: Buckle up, kids.) Shawn sheds some man-tears and I tried to wipe them up but my TV got in the way and he told me Kaitlyn that he’s falling in love with her. She says samesies and he kisses her like a real man and doesn’t try to clean her sinuses like Nick probably would have done. There’s a rose and fiyaworks and we can just end the series here because it’s obvious who our winner is.
Cocktail Party 2.0
Not the kind of show to let a good thing happen without a whole load of bullshit, next up we have Ian in the long train of guys who think they’re better than Kaitlyn and have no business being on this show. I for one, hope he’s bringing up the caboose on that train because this shit is getting exhausting to watch. Our boy Ian, who if you recall, was pretty much obsessed with Kaitlyn when he arrived, decided that he’s soooo over being ignored because he’s a Princeton grad and a former model and oh yeah he DEFIED death. In efforts to clinch the spot as next Bachelor, he announces casually that he’d prefer to be the next Bachelor. Signed, sealed, delivered I think we’ve found him. In other relevant things, Kaitlyn is not nearly as hot as Ian’s ex-girlfriend, so obviously this makes him better than her…he also has a lot of sex so HA. Ian confronts Kaitlyn and complains about guys who make fart and poop jokes, That’s it. That’s the last straw. GET OUTTA HERE, IAN. He continues to be a jerk and obviously this whole thing is to be continued because we accept the rose ceremonies we think we deserve. And this week, we only deserved one.
1. You get a reality show, you get a reality show, YOU ALL GET REALITY SHOWS. Apparently this was the week of oh, you’d like to be relevant again? Here’s your own show. Nick Lachey and Drew Lachey will have a show called “Raising the Bar” about the two of them opening a bar in Ohio. More famous bro helping out less famous bro open business… Wahlburgers knock-off, anyone?
Ja Rule is going against my strongly worded advice to start popping out more bangers with Ashanti and instead doing a show about his family on MTV. Snooze. No one wants to see you be a dad, Ja…everyone wants to hear about you doing dirty things to Ashanti in a classic rap song.
And finally Rev Run and Tyrese will be starting up a talk show based off of their love/relationship advice book Manology. I’m not proud of the fact that I read most of Manology. PS I spent about 40 minutes at work trying to find a tweet from 3 years ago with a RIDICULOUS Tyrese quote from this book and failed miserably…So instead I’ll leave you with this gem of a quote from the book: “A real woman is a freak in bed. A chef in the kitchen. A therapist during hard times & a coach when you’re off your game.” Oh, ok that’s all we need to be? Easy peasy.
2. The Kristen Wiig/Will Ferrell Lifetime movie is happening. And you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching. This teaser is RIVETING.
3. TV reunions GALORE at ATX. This is a festival in Austin, TX that is known for rallying TV casts and hitting up everyone’s nostalgia. This past weekend had a Gilmore Girls reunion/panel, a mini reunion of some of the Friday Night Lights cast and a table reading of a Dawson’s Creek episode (not read by the original stars..which is weird…gimme more Pacey). Anyway my little TV obsessed heart near exploded at all of the goods. Here’s some pics. Gilmore Girls is really doing the circuit so I wouldn’t be surprised at the announcement of some type of reunion in the works…it also needs to be said that Luke is WOOOF now. So disappointing. There was much debate about Team Dean, Team Jess or Team Logan (FTR, I’m team everyone BUT Dean. What a wiener.) And Hep Alien did a little show as well.
Stars of FNL who played Mindy & Billy Riggins and Tyra Colette got drunk and joked about a reunion and everyone took it too seriously. Texas Forever.
4. Holly Madison airs Playboy Mansion secrets. Holly is releasing another book and basically shitting all over the Playboy mansion. Ever since the Girls Next Door reality show I’ve NEEDED to know about how 3 girls under 30 think it’s aok to share a 90 year old man. Holly described the nightly routine of getting ready for bed and then each getting a turn with Hef where it was over as quickly as it had begun and it soookeedd. (As one would imagine sex with a grandpa would) She also hated her life and couldn’t wait to be released from the Heffinator’s clutches as #1 GF. Yiiiikkezzzz. This is barely news, but I found it interesting nonetheless. Does Hef still have sex slaves, I mean girlfriends? Is Hef still alive?
Well guys, it’s here. Country season has arrived. It’s finally an OK time to listen to songs about sunshine and trucks and partying outside and feel good about it instead of trudging through snow and hating every single person in the south. Country season is short-lived in the Northeast but it’s pretty glorious. And there’s no better way to kick it off than with me sitting in my bed for 3 hours with my laptop on my chest watching a ratchet livestream of a bunch of cool as shit country performances happening in Nashville, where I am not. But whatevs, TAN LINES. JOHN DEERE. MURICA. LET’S DO THIS.
(It’s rare that you hear me say this, but for the record this was an overall entertaining show. Props to CMT.)
Highs
-Lady A kicks off the night with “Long Stretch of Love”, including a mid-song interlude into the land of EDM as Zedd drops some knowledge from his beat laboratory. It was entertaining at best to see the country stars at a loss for what to do with their hands for this breakdown while all the fans moshed. ALSO Hillary looked like a smokeshow slutty Sandra Dee with leather leggings, jacket and hot pink pumps. Sexy, Can I? Real talk though HOW do country singers stomp (literally stomp their feet) all over a stage in stilettos. Get back to me on that.
-I love a good blurring of fiction and real world, which always comes with an appearance of cast members from Nashville. Deacon and Will Lexington introduce Reba and hawk Season 4…where Will teases “Some of us are coming back…good luck pal.” YEAH RIGHT, GUYS A REALLY SMART BLOGGER ALREADY PREDICTED DEACON’S COMING BACK NEXT SEASON, SO HA.
-I can ALWAYS get down with the camera panning to someone who flubs the lyrics. Last night’s most memorable was Jason Aldean’s girlfriend/mistress/wife(?) getting an audience shot during his performance and singing the wrong words. I relish in these moments. It’s the little things.
-The jockey that rode American Pharoah into history at the Belmont last weekend gets an appearance just cause and introduces Ron White. The three words he’s allowed to say into the mic are pretty incoherent but this was already hilarious because they put a baby jockey next to Erin Andrews and the height difference was glorious. Love wittle cute jockeys.
-The boyz of FGL have been somewhat listening to me. Blazers, man. So classy. I like what I’m seeing (until the whoutfit performance…see below. HAD to ruin it.)
-Kristen Bell gets a few cameos, bits about advice from last year’s host and such and these are funnier than anything she ever did as a host, and I’ve come to the conclusion that hosting forces jokes and over the top bits that make people unfunny. Epiphany. Watch here
-LUKE.BRYAN.IS.BACK. Look, I understand that as an artist, Luke wanted to show his range and put out a few snoozers that were really deep and not just about girls shaking their asses and I was patient. I waited for Luke to release a new banger that would guarantee a gyrating performance. And it paid OFF. He performed new song Kick the Dust Up which allowed for full hip movement. We’re going to momentarily forget that he was wearing a stupid shirt with red leather shoulder pads because there was shaking, there was a baseball cap and every time there’s a baseball cap it gets flipped backward halfway through the performance when cocky Luke comes out to play. I guess you could say my friend Lindsey and I enjoyed it…
-Lady A wins for their Bartender music video which included Kate Upton and Charles immediately announces, “You have to put Kate Upton in a video to win!” in very typical guy fashion. #Tits #Merica Hillary tries to prevent a PR snafu and is like um no that’s not true…but realistically it probably is and this awkward moment was pretty gr8.
-Jake Owen debuts new song “Real Life” and his super hot short hair for the first time in a while and I’m loving it. Anyone who rides up to the stage on a bed gets my support. Drool. The chicks doing high kicks on inflatable pizza slices, however, can see themselves out. That is NOT real life.
-In other awksies moments, Nikki Reed presents award for Male Video and reads a very scripted joke off of the teleprompter “It’s time to finally honor a forgotten minority…men.” Aaaaandd CRICKETS. The joke bombed so hard she was forced to nervously laugh at it herself. Someone got fired.
-The bit that seemed to work the best was a pre-recorded knock off of Uber with “Guuber” where celebrities drive other celebrities around Nashville. The idea’s pretty stupid but it played off of star power with Steven Tyler as a driver and of course, the punk who needs to be included in everything, Biebz. He and James Corden express their love for Luke Bryan and his sapphire eyes, which I can always get on board with plus a sing along to Country Girl Shake It For Me. Luke lapped that shit right up when he accepted the award for male video and declared welllll Bieber loves me soooo…
-Sam Hunt performs banger “House Party” (unfortunately still in that white tunic shirt) and realizes that his star power is his ability to make girls swoon and take selfies with them. Get it, Sam.
-Queen Carrie brings it with the outfit changes for “Little Toy Guns” performance. Flawwwwlezzzz.
Lows
-The hosts Erin Andrews and Brittany Snow are mostly lame, as most hosts are and pretty awkward together. The bits that fell flat were Erin’s lesbian crush on Carrie Underwood and a small Pitch Perfect Nashville Bella’s performance in the beginning.
-It’s gotten to the point where I think every time Reba hits the stage she’s performing a medley of old songs like “Fancy”…turns out she’s actually making and performing new music and it all just sounds the same to me. Snoozes for Reba always. Sorry bout it.
-Apparently Whoutfits are the new cool thing of country music? What. This is not flattering at all. Knock it off.
-Oh hey Billy Rae Cyrus, it’s so nice of you to drop in after getting a blowout to promote your new show and make me want to puke everywhere.
-There’s a bit with Joe Dirt in it…is it 1997?
-Joe Dirt very truthfully pointed out while introducing Keith Urban that he’s so close to a mullet why doesn’t he just do it? And I actually agree with this very trashy fictional character. Seriously Keith, your hair gets woofier every time I see it. Enough with the soccer mom cut. Grow it long for a dirty man bun or keep it boy length but either way this in between, almost mullet, almost “I drive a Dodge Caravan” style is reaaalllyyyy gonna need to go. (PS he performed a new song “John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16″….COULD THAT TITLE BE LONGER?)
-Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold were on the show WAY too much. I don’t get the Arnold thing. His accent sucks and it isn’t funny. Plus did we all just forget that he banged his nanny and had a secret kid with her just because he’s the Terminator? Anyway, him in a cowboy hat spitting out incoherent sounds was downright painful.
-Mike Fisher (Carrie’s other half) is the Taylor Swift of crowd shots and he doesn’t even know it. For whatever reason, every country awards show, the camera is fixated on Mike in the audience half of the time and yet he doesn’t have reactions. Why are we watching him? Because he’s pretty…but also out of a group of drunk country boys I think we should be able to find someone more fascinating to take Tay’s place. Let’s work on that. Petition for Brett Eldredge to be his replacement?
Full Winners List
Collaborative Video of the Year: Miranda Lambert & Carrie Underwood “Somethin Bad”
Breakthrough Video of the Year: Sam Hunt “Leave the Night On”
Duo Video of the Year: Florida Georgia Line “Dirt”
Female Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”
CMT Performance of the Year: Bob Seger & Jason Aldean “Turn the Page”
Group Video of the Year: Lady Antebellum “Bartender”
Male Video of the Year: Luke Bryan “Play it Again”
Best Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”
We’re back in the swing of a country music awards show for every network, unfortunately this network is no longer a part of my cable package (elitist Comcast) so I really committed hard to delivering some bloggage. You better ‘preciate it. Probably the most difficult part of my night wasn’t watching an awards show on my laptop like a poor person, but it was trying to find enough people for my best dressed list. YIKES what slim pickins. Anywho…
Worst Dressed
WHAT THE HELL, SAM?! DON’T STRAY FROM THE HOT COUNTRY BOY UNIFORM. JEANS, VNECK, SMILE. DAS IT.
JT Hodges wore more sparkles than his wife. That’s supes embarrassing.
Jason Aldean will forever be stuck in the 90’s. Sweet corduroy jacket and flares.
Listen I want to throw the boys a bone here but they did a lot of this shit…looking good on top and then throwing on a pair of boots that ruined everything.
Going for a quick hike after this, Chase? Cmon guys, it’s not that hard to make my best dressed. Figure it out.
Not even joking here, is she alive?
This is literally the pattern of one of those rubber sun catchers you could color in from Joann Fabrics. #craftdress
How the hell did Brooke Hogan get an invite to these awards? Think they were scrounging or something…Anyway she wore her best Deb prom dress, with a side of nip slip. Keep it classy, grrrrrl.
I’m guessing Aubrey Peeples/Jeff Fordham’s worse half rode to the red carpet on her broomstick.
The shiny pattern mixed with gold prom heels wasn’t Kelli’s best.
Cute jumpsuit Jamie-Lynn but you’re on a red carpet, not bowling with your pals on Zoey 101.
Ugh. This dress isn’t doing things for Hil. She redeems herself with a white hot performance outfit.
Meh.
Best Dressed:
Take notes, boys.
Dierks gets it. Guys can literally wear an undershirt and some tight jeans and still crush a red carpet.
I ripped this off Brett’s snapchat like the creep that I am but there weren’t any pics online and I just know he looks like a dime.
Jana could do less with this look but the color looks good on her and obviously respect tha hell out of that bod.
LBD never fails, JJD keeping it simple and still looking like a smoke.
Svelte look for KPerry
Just enough skin to keep it elegant.
There’s a reason she’s married to Magic Mike.
Both hosts delivering on the red carpet with classic black and white.
Dig the different dress style, could’ve really used a sassy pony with it to seal the deal.
Fun sparkle mini on Danielle Bradbury
Girl is pulling off the jumpsuit and it’s unlike anything else on this red carpet.
Best Look of the Night…
I mean obviously. When did she have a baby? This morning? Those legs though.
“There’s nothing but anger and loneliness and a whole bunch of dudes at the hotel.”
Since this is the MOST dramatic season EVER, we fire up this week rehashing the clint hanger from last week. Clint continues to be a dirty scoundrel who uses the word “very” no less than 100 times. Kaitlyn is very, very, very, very sorry but ya DUN, Clint. He returns to the crew to say goodbye and try to sniff out the narc, instead JJ demands IN FRONT OF EVERYONE that Clint apologize for taking away everyone’s time. There’s an audible gasp in the room and Clint forces JJ to shake his hand and say goodbye, giving the whole exchange a very (very, very) dad hit mom at the dinner table and let’s just keep eating and pretend it didn’t happen feel to it. JJ immediately regrets acting like a dick and tries to give Clint a quick kiss before he goes and Clint is like hey F-U I TOLD YOU ALL MY SECRETS! Clint gets into the Dodge caravan of shame and nearly rips the sliding door off while JJ quietly sobs in the dark. It’s almost as if these two are treating this like a Hollywood audition or something. Either way, the bromance is dead and so is the premise of a rose ceremony apparently. Kaitlyn pulls a Prince Farming and is like now that we got rid of Tony, I feel comfortable trying to bang all of these guys so let’s just axe the roses thing tonight, C. Harrison. The remaining stragglers begin their journey to NYC and Justin beings his journey to winning worst hair on the show. YIKES.
Group Date “Let’s Keep Our Love Fresh”- JJ, Shawn, Jonathan, Ryan, Tanner, BenZ, Justin
In this week’s “FAMOUS” guest star that I literally could not pick out of a crowd, heeeeere’s Doug E. Fresh! He raps a little bit to show the guys what a pro can do and the bros all get a chance to showcase their rapper arms. All but one…My country lover Shawn keeps his hands stiffly at his sides because this ain’t no hoedown. It’s kewl Shawn, I like country too. CALL ME. Anyway, Shawn ends up winning the rap battle (in my mind) not because of his rapping skills (he had less than none) but because he flashed the goods (his abs, you pervs) and made everyone forget we were cringing through the worst flowz eva.
Justin and his flouncy side bangs win for best rap diss with “Remind me how the notebook end, that’s right she forgot you.” OHH BURRNNN, YOU LOOK LIKE RYAN GOSLING, THE HOTTEST ACTOR IN AMERICA, SHAWN. Suck on THAT. Corey tucks his shirt into his undies and wears a beanie in attempts to not look like he’s a single middle-aged dad of 5 kids who kept him up all night. JJ calls NYC girls “hoes” and they boo him because he’s a dick. Deeze hoes ain’t loyal.
In our first Prince Farming season flashback of the night, KardAshley is at the rap battle probably in town to get a job as a sales clerk at DASH. However, the real drama llama is that baby bitch Nick from Andi’s season is there and cat’s outta the bag, Nick & Kaitlyn have been chatting on AIM for the past few months but have never actually met face to face. OK Kaitlyn, if online boyfriends count I had a very fruitful dating life in 7th grade. Anyway, NickyV123 complimented her on the interweb and suddenly they were texting. Sounds promising. He came to NYC to see what they had before it was too late to force his way back onto reality TV. Kaitlyn giggles a lot and is like OMGEEE should I add another guy into my weekly rotation of seven minutes in heaven?
Cocktail party on a BOAT
The men gather unaware that they’re about to get big-timed by a wittle baby bitch. Kaitlyn’s all no disrespect but I’m gonna bring another guy on board (get it? Boat punz. LOL) to date and also he may or may not have tried to slut shame his almost-fiance on live national television. LETZ DO THIS. Thankfully for all of us, the guys don’t even pretend to not know who he is. Shawn is like oh Nick Viall from Andi’s season? I’ll have another. ANOTHER. Then Tanner chimes in to give the TV Guide cliff notes of Nick’s existence. Tanner is like no homo guys, but I watched Nick cry on TV and he kisses and tells so we all must murder him. Tanner fiercely becomes captain of Team Bachelor Bitchfest and suddenly I know who Tanner is. Well played. Kaitlyn takes this moment to leave the boat and make out with Nick on the dock because she DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO and WHY does this have to be so HARD. She comes back and wipes her lips off like nobody will notice her face is covered in Nick’s saliva. Justin doesn’t see this through his droopy side bang and gives a queertastic speech about how Kaitlyn should follow her heart. Since he’s the only one who sounds supportive, he gets rewarded with the rose.
Blissfully unaware, the boys back at the hotel get a date card for Jared’s one on one and when I found out he won the date I actually shouted NOooooooOO at the TV….which got a little weird because I was watching by myself. Jared grins like a creep and then announces that it’s time for him to go to bed AKA it’s time for him to get intimate with himself thinking about his date tomorrow. While he’s dreaming of Kaitlyn running her fingers through his greasy hair, Kaitlyn is dreaming of running her fingers through Nick’s fuzzy baby duck hair that sticks out in tufts an uncomfortable amount.
The guys spend the majority of this episode sitting on the couch and gossiping about Nick like bitches at a slumber party, calling him desperate and sad and starting rumors that he probably cries after sex. Kaitlyn wakes up still SO TORN and we get the BEST moment of the episode, possibly the season, possibly the series of The Bachelorette. She dials up Nick and as a recording of their convo about how they slept fills our ears with nonsense, my eyes are riveted by an ominous snowy montage of NYC and music that gives me the feeling these two are actually plotting a murder on the phone and not just talking about if they should date or not. By the end of this scene I had been convinced Nick was going to blow up Times Square so BRAVO, producers!!
As if they were just foreshadowing that something bad was going to happen…ONION POMEGRANATE IS BACK! Ya girl OP is here to “style” Kaitlyn’s hair and have a little girl talk. Kaitlyn blabs her dilemma and OP gives sound advice that you need a best friend first and not just lust. Whoa. Girl, where you been hiding? It’s almost as if she’s a regular person who played it up for the cameras? Weird.That would’ve been rare.
Kaitlyn meets up with Nick after her hair appt where she apparently had OP curl each strand just to throw it into a messy braid that I do when my hair is dirty. Hope she didn’t pay for that. OP should probably stick to giving tours of the Mesa Verde. The verdict is that Nick gets to stay so they can bite each other’s lips some more and he can showcase his collection of Mr. Rogers cardigans. Can we send Nick to OP for a haircut though? Seriously.
Jared The Wiener’s One on One-“Let’s Re-imagine the Night We First Met”
The Met is reserved for a fancy date with Jared, who has a slicked side part and I want to punch it right off of his stupid, punchable head. Jared has diarrhea of the mouth and should definitely be put down humanely while Kaitlyn stares off into space and wishes she could take another chomp out of Nick’s lips. Jared wrote a poem for Kaitlyn because OF COURSE HE DID. After reading aloud, Kaitlyn says “Game Over” and I can only assume she means game over for ever sleeping with Jared because a whiny kid reading a poem to you is the biggest turn off ever, right? Guess not. He gets a rose. Blech. The date continues on a helicopter and we have to listen to Jared word vomzies about how he fell in love with Kaitlyn in the air whilst gazing at the Statue of Liberty.
Group Date “Let’s Play”-Joe, Joshua, Ben H, Ian, Cupcake
Here’s a date that Kaitlyn probably came up with to weed out the possible gays. Unfortunately she chose one instead, which leaves me a little perplexed. Anyway, the boys audition on Broadway to be street rats and the guy with the best performance gets to be a part of Aladdin that night and everyone else has to kick rocks. Watching these guys sing and dance onstage was juuuust about as painful as watching a bunch of white country boys speak poorly written rap lyrics. Cupcake puffs his chest out and flails his arms around, winning the competition and the hearts of many men across America. He tells us this is the most excited he’s ever been, I’m assuming because he can finally jumpstart that theater career he’s always dreamed of.
Backstage in his open vest and balloon pants, Chris tells Kaitlyn they should stand in silence and appreciate the moment and by that he means dive his turban’ed head at hers and immediately mack on her. Smooth moves, poor man’s Aladdin. Their role in the show consists of standing onstage with flowers for a total of one minute and Cupcake tells Kaitlyn after that he’s in AWE of how good she did. They stroll around NYC and as Kaitlyn passes by a street performer banging on a trashcan she admits this is why she loves New York…because there’s talent everywhere. Kait, I love you girl, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say. Please feel free to visit Saratoga Springs and find the guy with dreads who sits in an alley (prime echo territory), swatting at buckets all day and night like a child left out to play with the pots and pans. You’ll change your tune real quick and also possibly want to box your own ears. Anyway, Cupcake gets a rose because he’s a cupcake theater fairy.
The weekly cliff hanger comes in the form of Nick arriving at the house with his puffy hair and awkward lisp. His opening line is “Sup, Guys.” I predict that Nick will be murdered by a room of sexually frustrated men within minutes of uttering this greeting.
While the credits roll, we get an update on Britt & Brady, still clinging onto that 5 seconds of fame each week. They’re officially dating and also HOMEBOY WORE COMBAT BOOTS TO THE BEACH.
Still reeling from the news of Canada finally putting a stop to the FOREVER running series Degrassi, I thought it would approps to look back on the most ridiculous times the show felt it necessary to fulfill its dramatic tagline, “It Goes There.” I remember the first time I saw Degrassi I was at a friend’s house who had rich people cable (at the time) thus allowing my thirteen-year-old eyes access to “The N”. I watched as a bunch of middle schoolers/possibly high schoolers(?) had sex AND exotic Canadian accents. I was hooked. The day my family finally got digital cable was a day of rejoice. I could finally binge Degrassi. And I did. Hard. I learned a lot of dirty things from this show and their whoreish characters but I also learned via kidz bop intro each episode that whatever it takes (pregnancy, STDs, death) they knew they could make it through. And they did make it through, until they got cancelled. So here’s my ode to the corruption of my youth. Thanks for getting rich people cable when I was thirteen, mom and dad!
10. Toby starts eating laxies so he can wrestle. (Season 2, Episode 9)
I mean c’mon. Toby is a pudgy nerd and looks like he’s 10 for basically the entire series so the writers try to throw him a bone here and give him some drama and it’s embarrassing that this is what they came up with. Toby makes the wrestling team and realizes his weight is no match for Sean’s muscles (sup, Sean?) So he tries to drop a weight class by feasting on laxatives so he can shit out 30 lbs or something. PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT TO BE BETTER AT WRESTLING. Toby, you don’t even crash diet right! Hit the gym, pal. I pretty much don’t remember a thing about Toby for the rest of the show, except that he befriends terrifying Rick and also turns into Mr. Steal Yo Girl after JT dies and flirts up on Liberty. Oh, Tobes.
9. Spinner pops a boner all day, erreday. (Season 2, Episode 5)
Obviously not as dramatic as other issues but Spinner having to give a presentation in class and going all boner jamz taught me all about the binder cover-up. CLASSIC puberty. It’s all fun and boners until Spinner eventually gets testicular cancer. Because why not? If only he knew then what was to come. He would’ve appreciated his surprise boners a little more.
8. Manny debuts a bedazzled bright blue G-String. (Season 3, Episode 3)
Manny Santos decides one day that she’s #OverIt being the quiet, lame sidekick to aggressively feminist Emma so obviously the quickest way to stop being a square is to hike your thong up 6 inches above your Limited Too flare jeans and strut down the main hallway at school. This was a precursor for what to expect with Manny…a casual pregnancy (at 14), boob job and hooters viral video all before graduation and an eventual acting career. You do you, girl.
7. Emma meets her online boyfriend/predator. (Season 1 Episodes 1-2)
Lil baby Emma chats it up all day on AIM with Jordan, “a boy from another school district” and they decided to finally meet up at a hotel, as 12-year-old cyber couples tend to do, and SHOCK CITY it’s a middle aged creep looking for some preteen lovin. This was scandalous for it’s time, the peak of AIM, when making up a screen name and pretending to be someone from another school to talk to your crush was suuupes normal and also could’ve led to rape apparently. Unfortunately for everyone she didn’t wear her dolphin jeans to meet Jordan.
6. Ellie’s mom sets the house on fire and then gets pissed when Ellie moves out. (Season 4, Episode 5.)
So we know Ellie is the Goth girl who slices her wrists, that’s her cross to bear but her mom is a real asshole. She shows up to parent’s night wasted then goes home and covers herself in Jack and torches the house a little bit. So Ellie’s all peace out I’m moving in with my boyfriend. Ellie’s mom slaps the shit out of Sean and demands Ellie comes home until she shows her mom the carrying case she has for all of her sharp objects to injure herself and then mom is like ok you can leave again and I’ll continue to turn this house into kindling. WHAT? is with all the shitty parents in this series. Alex’s mom loses all their money and forces Alex to strip so they don’t get evicted, Craig’s birth dad is the worst human ever (more on that later), Ellie’s mom is addicted to the sauce, Emma’s dad is in a home because he took too much acid and ruined his brain. Apparently Degrassi parents WENT there too.
5. Paige gets raped and sings to her rapist to feel better. (Season 2, Episodes 7-8)
Paige is annoying AF. She dresses like an atrocity, overplays the cool bitchy girl and calls everyone “Hun”. So when hottie soccer player Dean hits on her I was all YESS, a spicy storyline for annoying Paige. Then he casj invited her to a party and raped her. So that ruined things. Obviously traumatized she decides to unleash all of her emotions in a coffeehouse performance with band PMS. Dean sits front row and Paige is all I’M NOT YOUR POOR THINGGGGG and he storms out probably because she’s terrible at singing but Paige takes this as a victory. It’s cringe worthy at best.
4. Craig’s entire existence is THERE. (Seasons 1-8)
Craig is probably the worst character in the history of characters. Any outlandish thing you can imagine, he embodies. First we learn that Craig’s birth dad beats the shit out of him and Craig contemplates stepping in front of a train because his dad is so scary but then no worries, Craig’s dad dies in a car accident. Craig laughs at his funeral because his dad was a dick but also ya boy Craig was a little unstable right from the get go. Then he bangs Ashley and Manny at the same time and doesn’t think it’s all going to blow up in his face. It does. He also knocks Manny up because sleeping with 2 girls without condoms is SO MUCH BETTER than just one. Season 4 brings about bi-polar Craig who runs away from home, asks Ashley to marry him then has a very public meltdown. Craig is prescribed meds to act like a normal person in society again. Later on, Craig’s band sees a little fame and he starts touring but you know what a rock tour brings? Lots of drugs, duh. He gets hooked on the nose candy and everything is going dandy (nailed it) until he’s onstage and gets a gnarly cocaine noise bleed. Oopsie. Oh that’s just Craig, the bi-polar, man whore, beaten, drug addict. I do not and will not ever miss you, Craig. I will however, continue to be baffled with how you managed to ‘trate every girl in Degrassi.
3. Emma gives her first blowie in a van by the river and catches Gonorrhea. (Season 4, Episodes 14-15)
Our sweet little Emma who once fell for the basic plot of To Catch A Predator grew UP over the course of this series and this arc was probably her most shocking, yet also still hilarious. Reeling from witnessing a shootout at school, she recovers by going down to the ravine at night to kick it with 22-year-old high school “student” Jay who may or may not have lived in a van by said ravine. It turns out sketchy Jay runs somewhat of a brothel out of this van and basically gets around the clock beej’s and rewards the chicks by giving them a colored bracelet they can parade around school to show they got all up in that D. Emma soon finds out that he also rewards his biddies with a mean case of Gonorrhea. YIKES. I think she promptly went back to picketing for biodegradable lunch trays after she was cleared of the ‘rea.
2. JT gets stabbed to death at a house party. (Season 6, Episode 11)
In an event to secure another few seasons and apparently make Degrassi seem like it’s one town over from da hood, a rivalry with another high school is created and some shady-lookin, long-haired MF’ers start a little East Canada/West Canada beef. JT always the peacemaker and formerly the little squirt with the spiky hair somehow becomes a target for this Canadian group of hoodrats and they roll up on Liberty’s birthday party and stab JT to death. This was when I officially quit Degrassi. There’s a difference between it GOING there and it taking a high school rivalry and within the matter of minutes having it heightened to a little stabsies of the most laidback character in Degrassi history. I’M STILL NOT OVER JT’S DEATH. RIP JT.
1. Rick shoots up the school and gives Jimmy a new home in a wheelchair. (Season 4, Episodes 7-8)
Rick and Terri are an adorbzies high school couple until Rick suddenly goes Hulk Hogan on her and puts her in a little bit of a coma. Rick sliding into Degrassi and then telling Terri she’s fat and smashing her head in is ridiculous enough but the writers were like you know what? That didn’t really GO there.
So they sent Rick away for a while until we kinda forgot about his creepy existence but then pulled a fast one on us and brought him back. Emma, always the activist of Grrrl Power, immediately gets the whole school to make Rick feel like the piece of garbage that he is. Then Spinner drops paint on him and feathers him as a prank and suddenly Rick’s runnin’ through the 6 with his woes runnin’ through the hallways with a glock. He shoots Jimmy, paralyzing him for life (or a couple seasons) and then offs himself…all while wearing feathers.
Of course this is the most dramatic thing to ever happen on Degrassi and the most memorable but above all I’d like to thank this episode for creating this:
1. Amy Schumer crushes Glamour’s Trailblazer Acceptance speech. Full disclosz: this speech was suuuuper inapprops,but also hilarious. It’s a dream of mine to one day also win an award from a well-established magazine in a foreign country and drop the term “cum dumpster” in my acceptance speech. Keep on keepin on, Amy…you give me life goals.
2. Iggy Azalea stole my future engagement ring. Swaggy P got down on one swagalicious knee and proposed to Iggy Azalea this past week and gave her largest canary diamond I could ever dream of trying on my dainty finger.
Jelly is an understatement for how I’m feeling about this rock. Hey future husband…if you’re out there and reading my stupid blog scheming up the best way to sweep me off my feet it’s with this exact ring, so like start saving or rob a bank or something and make it happen. Also please be tall. Thank you and goodnight.
3. Full House released unauthorized nightmares. This is the cast pic.
It’s so ridiculous that even Uncle Joey tweeted it out and was like LAWLZ. So I guess you could say they nailed it.
4. Kim Richards is outtie 5000 on Real Housewives and Kyle Richards is producing a show about their childhood. One Sisters Richards bows out of the reality TV show that probably fueled her alcoholism (it’s for the best) while another Sisters Richards decided to exploit their childhood for a new show on TVLand. Sounds about right. Most importantly…what does Kathy Hilton think about all of this?! Stay relevant, ladiezzzz.
5. Juicy Tidbits. Lance Bass posts a 90’s-licious TBT of the Spice Girls chumming with N*SYNC in what looks like a mall before any of them were famous. Everything about this picture is glorious, from Posh’s bitch face right down to JT’s Native American felt clogs.
I had one of those days where I realized how many songs I have in my iTunes that are actually fake bands from TV shows or movies and I decided to throw them together into a playlist because why not? (take a crazy chance, do a crazy dance) Anyway you’re either going to think this is super weird or you’re gonna love it…it’s a random selection of fictional songs that would’ve soared the Billboard Charts had they been sung by real life musicians.
1. What Dreams Are Made Of- Lizzie McGuire, The Lizzie McGuire Movie
Always start a playlist with a bang. That’s my motto. Lizzie was just a normal awkward middle school girl but suddenly on her chaperoned trip to Rome she was mistaken for an Italian pop star and got to perform in the Coliseum. Ho hum, no biggie. Not only is this song fire flames, but this performance was magnetic. Therefore it will be one of the only videos I attach to this list because in order to say Buona Sera to my American friend Lizzie Mcguire, you need the visual aide of a skirt turning into a metallic jumpsuit with belly button cutout and technicolor lights. SING TO ME, PAOLO! (Please read in shitty Italian accent)
2. Zach’s Song- School of Rock,School of Rock
What do you get when you put together a chubby Asian, rebel with spiked hair and a quiet nerd? The keyboardist, drummer and guitarist/singer for the coolest band in the world, duh. You don’t like good music if you don’t think this song melts faces. Also Freddy, if you’re still a bad boy drummer with an attitude, CALL ME!
3. Stephanie- Tommy Page,Full House
Did I really need to force everyone to listen to Stephanie Tanner shriek Tommy Page at the top of her lungs before the song even starts? No, but I’ve had this bootleg version for so long that I think her pre-teen screech has become a staple in this beautiful melody. If my dad ever got a teen heartthrob to serenade me at my 13th birthday party I think I would melt into a puddle of awkward and not know what to do with my hands. Stephanie handles much better, by falling in love with Tommy who probably shouldn’t be singing to a teenager that she means everything to him. Also the kiss on the lips could’ve been a little misleading. Yikes, creep.
4. Halo- Haley James Scott,One Tree Hill
Obviously there’s no way I would make a fake pop star playlist and not include my little tutor girl turned rocker, Hales. This is easily her best song and also the one that caused the least conflict with hubs Nathan, so win, win all around.
5. That Thing You Do- The Wonders,That Thing You Do
Hey remember this movie with Liv Tyler as a 60’s smoke with perfect eyeliner all the time? Anyway…this song is awesome and even though The Wonders (formerly Oneders) had to disband due to their lead singer being a dick, this one hit wonder (see what I did there, ha-ha) will forever live on.
6. Supernova Girl- Proto Zoa,Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century
Seems pretty awkz to go from a movie with Tom Hanks in it to a song about outer space from a Disney movie, right? I like to keep you on the edge of your seat, obviously. Zetus Lupetus this song is stupid AF but SO catchy. I mean seriously, Proto Zoa had silver spiked hair and obviously had a way with words MAJOR.
7. Friends Forever- Zack Attack,Saved By The Bell
Ah, back in the days when Zack and his Bayside buddies would dream about making it big and having Casey Kasem (RIP) narrate their climb to fame. Fortunately for all Zack Attack fans, Zack didn’t start banging their manager and turn into a superdouche to go solo and wear hammer pants. Instead the gang stayed Friends Forever and sang about it. And by sang about it I mean the show hired a bunch of mature adults to sing it and then tried to pass it off like these 16 year olds sounded like that.
8. 3 Small Words- Josie & the Pussycats,Josie & The Pussycats
Confession: I don’t even think I ever saw this movie but you bet your bottom dollar I downloaded this song from Limewire and slapped it on a mix CD to listen to in my walkman. I memorized these lyrics like nobody’s biz and I’m 99% sure it was because I was not allowed to see the movie and didn’t want to have FOMO when all my friends talked about it so I learned the song to have something to contribute to the convo. Anyway, GIRLS RULE.
9. 5000 Candles in the Wind- Mouse Rat,Parks & Recreation
I’m late to the party and just now rolling through all the episodes of Parks & Rec but even as a fresh fan it seemed wrong to make a playlist without a tribute to Lil Sebastian. RIP in horsey heaven. Also Leslie told Andy to make Candle In the Wind but 5000x better and he NAILED it.
10. Now Or Never-Troy Bolton (& Fellow Wildcats),High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Listen, with three High School Musical movies it was pretty tough to narrow it down to just one song. Obviously Breaking Free was the one that started it all but it’s slow and it just didn’t feel right. High School Musical 2 doesn’t count because it SUUUUUCKKKED so that left senior year, their big theater debut to choose from. Again, so many jams so little time. I chose this one because it has everything that High School Musical embodies all in one song. The love between Gabriella and Troy (check), the overemphasis on a non-ranking varsity basketball team (check), Troy battling his passion for sports AND singing at an inconvenient time (check) and finally everyone in the school joining in uninvited (check). Plus it gets you pumped up to win the big game or sing your heart out or whatever.
11. Killer Tofu- The Beets,Doug
What I really wanted to do was include Doug’s quick foray into singing on this playlist but how I remembered the song “Bangin on a trashcan” was WAY better than what it actually sounded like. I think Beebe did backup vocals or something and it RUINED the song. Plus Skeeter didn’t honk, honk in it. Lame. This one is a gr8 tune from Doug’s fave band The Beets. I’m shocked they don’t cycle this on classic rock stations. OH-EE-OHHH KILLER TOFUUUUUU.
“I eat my sugar cereal but it makes my teeth bacterial”- THIS IS GENIUS SONGWRITING.
12. Ultimate- Pink Slip,Freaky Friday
I’m not at all embarrassed to admit that I purchased a hard copy of this movie’s soundtrack and also was inspired to learn guitar so that I could start a rock band and win over a guy who looked like Chad Michael Murray. I played the song this band played at Wango Tango in the movie to my dad and told him to teach it to me. He taught me Jingle Bells first and I quit guitar lessons a week later. Pipe dreams, ya know? Anyway, Linds rockin an electric guitar at her mom’s wedding was SO RAD.
13. Cinderella- The Cheetah Girls,The Cheetah Girls
Ideally “Cheetah Sisters” would be on this playlist but it’s actually a real snooze of a song for like the first minute and no one is gonna sit around for that. This song is actually good, so you’re welcome, everyone’s ears. The Cheetah girls introduced me to stupid handshakes, excessive animals prints, and the fact that names like Galleria, Aqua and Dorinda even existed. #Culture. Thanks Disney Channel. 3LW obviously carried the group and I’m grateful they demoted their careers for this flick. Plus they gave me a reason to still regularly say “We’re Cheetah Girls, Cheetah Sisters” every time someone else wears a cheetah print on the same day as me. (It happens more often than you would think.)
14. Forever- Jesse & The Rippers,Full House
YAASSSSS. SING IT TO ME, UNCLE J. This song is probably the best song to ever come out of a TV show…it was also #1 in Japan, domo very much. Jesse & The Rippers were the shit and I could’ve put any of their songs on this mix but this one deserves it the most because it was written for Becky and it’s adorbz. Relationship goals. Plus it has an actual music video featuring a very shirtless Jesse. Lick.
15. Bella’s Finals- Barden Bellas,Pitch Perfect
Since I tortured you with some real weird 90’s and Disney songs on this playlist, we shall end the same way we started…with fire flames. The Barden Bellas are the badass bitches of the accapella world and this mashup they did to win the finals should win all the awards ever. It’s also a really great drinking song.
We pick up this week with Kupah having his just-got-dumped-on-TV rage blackout aimed at a cameraman. Suddenly Kupah goes from screaming like a lunatic to smooth cool guy when Kaitlyn appears. He explains that he’s shouting because he doesn’t want to go home, he wants to get a book deal out of this…or something. Once he starts talking about more attractive girls he’s been with I think the producers gently say ok Kupah you’re 5 minutes is up please get into the Dodge Caravan and go quietly into the night to join Ryan B. McDrunkerson in Bachelorette shame.
Rose Ceremony: Clint, JJ, Ben Z., Jared, Ben H., Shawn B., Jonathan, Tanner, Chris Cupcake, Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Tony
Kaitlyn sobs about having to send men home. WAH MY LIFE IS SO HARD. Meanwhile, I sob about the fact that we have to put up with Tony for a minute longer than we should. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Anyway, speaking of, apparently Kaitlyn did something to deserve a gaggle of bros who aren’t even trying to hide that they’re pursuing alternate careers via her TV show and peacing out left and right. It is ROUGH to watch.
SUMO Date: Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, Shawn
Sumo wrestlers sneak into the house and wake up all the men with a pretty aggress gong hit. JJ really wants to go on the Japanese date because he likes sushi. He’s obviously supes cultured. Once assembled, all the boys are wearing sumo diapers and need a whole lot of censorship, not unlike Jillian’s asshole last season. They do lunges in their thongs just so that Kaitlyn, a bunch of other dudes and a camera crew can size up the contestants’ junk hangin loosey goosey. (Joe’s in particular.) Tony runs his gentle hands through his mop top, pulls it into the babiest man bun I’ve ever seen, flicks his shades down and announces that a 600 lb man should be VERY AFRAID. T-Bone Tone slaps the fat man a bunch of times while everyone else points and laughs then MOOD SWING, Tony the healer must need a little more ginkgo because he is very sad. He tells Kaitlyn that every date is about aggression and he’s a lover even though he just played slap the man boob with that wrestler five minutes ago. Basically Tony acts like a whiny baby, which is ironic because he’s also wearing a diaper while he wah-wah’s. I stop listening as I usually do when Tony speaks, plus I was distracted by him tucking his hair behind his ears and hawking a loogey over the balcony while trying to win Kaitlyn over. Someone get Tony his bottle.Exhibition: Tony decides not to participate because he’s too busy talking to whoever will listen about his sensitive soul. The guys de-robe and apparently there are parents out there who think it’s acceptable to bring their children to something like this. Needless to say a few kids caught an eyeful of man meat and will forever be scarred. Kaitlyn “fights” the big sumo guy AKA he tosses her around like an adorable little doll and then lets her push him out of the ring. Clint establishes himself as the Ben Z. of this week when he tries to break everyone’s bones. He wins the fight but not Kaitlyn’s heart when he decides to ignore her later. After some incoherent soul searching, Tony puts on his Navajo sweatshirt and camo hat and leaves to return to his life as a spiritual gangster who will milk his TV fame for all it’s worth…but not before he stops to talk to Kaitlyn and torture us all some more. BAIIII TONYYYYYY. Shawn saves Kaitlyn from awk city of Clint ignoring her, is his usual adorbsicles self and gets the rose.
One on One with Ben Z. –SURPRISE YOU’RE GONNA DIE by Chris Harrison
Chris Harrison is waiting for them in a dark creepy basement. Exploiting Kaitlyn’s fears, Chris is all hey I’m gonna lock you two in a room full of birds and you have to figure out how to get out. Ben reels Kaitlyn in with his strong arms and cradles her when pigeons make her screech (I do not suggest you ever move to a city, Kaitlyn.) The room is essentially a horror movie nightmare with someone in the bed moving around and they have to troll around looking for clues to get themselves out before they die via gas chamber. Ya know, just fun-loving family programming. Full disclosz: I had to cover my eyes a couple times. The password to their freedom is “roses”…did we really need to watch them touch snakes, cockroaches, maggots, limbs, puke, blood and unearth a picture of Britt’s face just to discover that the password is THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW? Later they order pizza and Ben Z. talks more about his dead mom and how he suppresses his man tears. Quick tip: if your parents ever tell you to walk the dog, don’t. Finally they hot tub and Ben Z catches a rose and I catch a glimpse of another contestant with a hideous shoulder tat.
Group Date: “Let’s Learn to Love”Jonathan, Ben H, Joshua, Ryan, Jared, Tanner
The boys have to teach sex ed to children far too small to be learning about penetration. We soon learn that LoLzz, Kaitlyn has hired all of these child actors to be a bunch of pervs and ask questions that will give these guys the uncomfies like the little heffer who asked Ryan and his swoopy hair (seriously what is this hairstyle?) about the clitoris. Ryan brilliantly advises that little chunks learn how to rub up on that shit if he ever wants to get a girl. Not only are these kids inquisitive about the best sex positions, they also are the biggest overreactors in the game. I’m guessing they would’ve gotten their paychecks for this job either way, so the dramats facial expressions were a bit much. Although when Joshua described a “tampin” as a torpedo and a girl’s period as her uterine layer dying, this seemed like an appropo reaction: Ben H. steps up to save the day and tell a fairytale story about how sex happens with reenactments and oh my lanta Prince Charming does exist as he mimes a sperm swimming through the “stuff”. ABC shows what a bunch of prudes they are by bleeping everything out like it’s a Kanye performance or something.
Later Joshua reveals that not only did he learn about puberty from cows, he also didn’t have his first kiss until college. Kaitlyn’s like panties ON. Then Ben H. takes her to the roof, pulls a quick dip kiss, and Kaitlyn’s like panties OFF. Obviously Ben H. gets the rose. Also Jared, whose face and personality I would like to punch, kisses Kaitlyn like a baby bitch and it makes me squirm. Jared the weasel needs to go.
While all of this magic is happening with Kaitlyn and her group date, there’s a whole lot of bromance simmering back at the mansion between the two douchenozzles of the crew. Clint and JJ like to wrassle and eat together and since the Bachelorette has no qualms with being offensive they try to tease a gay storyline through editing and well-placed censorship. The bros hang out in the hot tub and talk about turtles then wind down with some guitar jams by the fire. And that’s just a regular day for these two apparently. How could we not believe it’s love?! Clint has decided that he doesn’t want to pork Kaitlyn, he’d much prefer to stick around and bro out with JJ because it would be OUTRAGEOUS to think that these two can exchange numbers and do that off camera.
Cocktail Party
Clint spews some bullshit about not having the balls to talk to Kaitlyn after the sumo date and then smashed his tongue down her throat like a con artist to guarantee a rose and a trip to JJ’s back door. FTR, if we were going to pick gays out of this group, I think these two morons would be bottom rung, but whatever. They both like sports and popping back zits. They did not factor in Joshua’s narc’ing skillz and we end this week with yet another confrontation cliffhanger between our gal Kaitlyn and a turd exploiting the show for Twitter followers. In the event that you wanted to end on a more satisfying note, here’s a picture of Shawn’s man bunz.
Memorable Quotes:
“Me and my daughter are cool.” -Cory defending to himself why he should get a rose and Kaitlyn should be a stepmommy. He’s hot but it’s probably for the best that he was sent packing to hang with his cool daughter.”
“Ben Z is a babe soda.” My new (much more appropriate way) to say a guy is hot. Thanks Kait.
“I see the world through the eyes of a child, the heart of a warrior and I have a gypsy soul.”-Tony repeating this phrase over and over and in about 3,2,1 we’ll see him selling t-shirts online with this serial killer motto.
“I think Tony partied his ass off last night because it’s non-existent.”-JJ spending his group date looking at the other guys’ buhholes. Wise use of your time, J.
“Villains gotta vill.”-The bros who shower together also have a catchphrase and it’s a little too reminiscent of a T.Swift song. I can only assume that it will soon be a matching shoulder tat displayed loud and proud.
It’s no secret I have a thang for Lauren Conrad and another thang for trashy reality television…which comes together quite nicely to make The Hills a re-watchable series for me. Except instead of sitting down and binge-watching, I’ve found that it’s best consumed during a gal pal wine night as a way to feel nostalgic for a time when thick headbands were in style oh, and also to get hammied. I hope that sharing this very official drinking game with all of you will fulfill the overwhelming desire that you once had to booze every time Justin Bobby’s greasy locks and open mouthed burps graced your TV.
The Salty Ju 