JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/2021

1. Olivia is a total H-Dubb.*

* Important to note that for a short period of time in high school, whenever we heard of some teenage hussy breaking up an already probably short-lived couple, we called that hussy an H-Dubb which was shorthand for homewrecker. Natch, there were no homes being wrecked when teens went to Friday night football games together and maybe smooched a few times…but that insult really slapped and I miss the days when we could just casually romp around free period calling bitches H-Dubbs.

Anyway, as soon as this juicy piece of salacious goss hit the internet streets, I knew I had to bring the JUice back from the dead so I could talk mad shit on John Mulaney trying to convince the whole world that he didn’t cheat on his wife and that Olivia Munn isn’t H-Dubb City. Literally the SECOND he bounced outta rehab it was swirling that these two were dating and I rolled my eyes out of my cranium. You know what typically doesn’t signify ever-lasting love? When you hop from a marriage to a new relationship. THEN ADD FRESH OUT OF REHAB ON TOP OF THAT. Boy oh boy all of this is dumb. But whatevs. They were keeping it mostly under the radar. Until this week, when John made the most calculated move of all time to announce their baby on Seth Meyers by literally giving us all a dummy timeline. THAT SCREAMS I’M A GUILTY, HO. Hey everyone, it’s been a minute since I’ve seen you so let me give you a month by month blow (no pun intended) of my last year so that I can clear my name and then toss a baby on at the end. LOLOLOL OK, John. We ain’t that stupid. As you might expect, this timeline has already been thrown directly in the trash as people are coming out of the woodwork to say he didn’t file for divorce until spring when he was already dating Olivia and while he was relapsin hoard he was also banging strange. Not quite the scripted and premeditated squeaky clean image he’s trying to paint here with the help of his buddy Seth. Now onto the equally as guilty party, Olivia. In an interview in 2015 she talked about meeting John and his then-fiance at a wedding and being obsessed with him and following him around all night then emailing him afterward. 2015, folks. What a thirsty bitcc. Girl has pretty much always had a boneski for John. But yeah, they just met recently at church.

And like I said, whatevz, do your thang, booboo. Except that now you’re dragging a kid into the mix and also pretending this has been a wholesome union from the start. Just go full Angelina and Brad and own your bad selves. And on top of it AWL, John Mulaney has been vocal as hell about never wanting kids. CRINGE MY FACE OFF. All of his standup routines about never wanting kids are creeping out of the woodwork and oh baby is this a disaster. Probably should’ve just pulled a Kylie Jenner (part 1) and popped that baby out in secret rather than make a big announcement hoopla about it so everyone is inserting themselves into your messy sitch. BTW, Kylie Jenner (part 2) and Jennifer Lawrence also announced pregnancies this week but their announcements weren’t clouded with a scandal so they slipped right under the radar. I mean, Kylie got knocked up by her ex-boyfriend but that’s the norm in the Kardashian/Jenner world…let your man do whoever just make sure all your kids have the same daddy. And Jennifer Lawrence got married first and pregnant a couple of years later…YAWN. But CONGRATS TO ALL! A baby is a gift from God unless it’s brought into this world on a throne of lies, of course. JUS SAYIN.

2. Steve Made Millennials Cry.

From 1995 until 2002, our green-striped homie Steve and his dog Blue were solving all of the clues with their handy dandy notebook and their big ole thinking chair over on Nick Jr. Back when Nick Jr. had “face” and was the BEST reward for staying home from school sick on the couch. You know, the good ole days. And then we all grew up and started watching a little less of blue cartoon dogs and overanimated adults and a little more true crime. And I don’t really think one single person gave it a second thought. That was until Steve rolled back through with this viral video for the 25th anniversary of Blues Clues. And all of the millennials lost their SHIT. Steve said I look good! Steve said I helped him! STEVE LOVES ME. Hats off to Nick Jr. for crushing the marketing game for their anniv because not only did this shit blow up but it also created a buttload of memes for everyone to use. And the best part? I didn’t even know Steve “went to college.” I didn’t even know he left the show at all until my little whippersnapper niece started getting into the Nick Jr. game and I was like who the hell is this jabroni hanging out with Blue? BECAUSE WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU STOP WATCHING KIDS SHOWS. Weird, right?! So Steve went to college. And then came back to tell us all about it. And I think what’s even more shocking is that there was a WHOLE OTHER PERSON in between Steve and Josh. Steve had a brother named Joe, WHO KNEW?! Seriously I learned so much from this 25 year campaign, I feel like they’re sneaky trying to make these three into the next comedy trio.

What I didn’t need refreshing on, is the Mail song. That shit has slapped the hardest since day 1 and if I’m 30 years old still singing the mail song to my niece word for word you KNOW that was a bop. Mailtime, Mailtime, MAAIILLLTIIIIIME. Here’s the mail it never fails it makes me wanna wag my tail when it comes I wanna wail MAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLL. Nailed it. (Seaweed arms not included)

3. Shiver.

Ed’s back, baby! Between John Mayer dropping an album this summer, Ed’s is coming in October and then we get the Taylor Swift 10 minute All Too Well in November…I’m in a musical sweet spot right now. The only thing that would put me right over the edge is a JT album on top of it all. Come out, come out wherever you are! I know all you famous musicians weren’t touring for the past two years, so GIVE US THE GOODS. Anyway sorry that my “Ed has more new music” excitement turned into threatening Justin Timberlake. It happens to the best of us. Remember a couple of months ago when Ed dropped Bad Habits with that terrifying vampire video? And I was like WHAT HAPPENED TO ED? Yeh, I still kinda feel that way with this song. I mean these are fun little ditties he’s giving us, but this is a little bit of a shock. He’s going for a real jarring visual vibe here and Ed is just a casj guy stomping all over that loop pedal. Did I enjoy seeing his attempts at dancing in this video? Yes, obviously. But would I prefer to have something with a little more substance? 1 Trillion Percent. Hoping that when the full album drops we’ll get a taste of some deeper cuts.

4. Nashville’s a Small Town.

Obviously you already know that celeb drama makes me salivate because otherwise why the hell would I maintain a blog for almost 7 years now based on the dramz. What you don’t know is that the thirst for goss runs in the family. After doing a deep dive on Facebook to find out the personal details of a high school teacher’s life I texted my sister for tips on how to find out some intel because I’d scrolled almost 8 years back and wasn’t seeing anything. She told me what my next move should be and lo and behold, I found what I was looking for. As I looked back in horror at an afternoon filled with trying to find out intimate deets on a stranger’s life through social media, I asked my sister, “Why are we the nosiest people on this earth?” And she promptly replied, “It’s in our blood.” So it’s fine, everyone. It’s like a disease. You wouldn’t look down on someone with Lupus so why are you JUDGING US BECAUSE WE NEED TO KNOW EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE?! Since my twinny twin is just as much of a shitstirrer as I am, it’s important that you know that she broke the news on this Nashville Love Triangle. I’ll let her break it down for you in shorthand:

First important note to make, we’re on a first name basis with this crew. Jana and Kristin are D-list celebrities and Jay is a retired athlete and yet we’re referring to them as if they’re the cream of the crop for fame. Second of all, we knew right from the jump that this was not an amicable divorce and no matter how hard Jay and Kristin try to make it seem like they’re a united front and there’s no issues between the two of them, it KILLS Kristin to see Jay dabble with ANYONE and his specialty seems to be women who run in the same circles as his ex-wife. Coincidence? I think not. Meanwhile, Kristin can smooch whoever she wants. Cliff, Bony Bob, Little Mo with the gimpy leg. No backlash at Kristin. Only Jay. GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT. I’m Team Jay through and through. There’s only one guy who can nail that dry sarcastic delivery and captivate me for days with an Instagram-story hunt of a chicken killer on the loose and that’s Jay Cutler. HOW-EV-ER. I cannot support a union with Jana Kramer. Jana is a slob kebab when it comes to barfing up things that should 1000% be kept private. From doing a podcast with her sex addicted cheating husband and airing their dirty laundry right up until their divorce to giving us a blow by blow of her boob job (which she got to keep her husband…………ahem…..it didn’t work.) Don’t get me wrong, it’s like watching a trainwreck. I just yapped about how my sister and I are nosy nellies. Of course we eat that shit up. But Jay doesn’t need more drama in his life. He needs to stop chasing the dancing on the bar in Cabo girls and find himself a nice out of the spotlight southern belle. No more reality stars, no more teen soap stars. Maybe a nice huntin’ gal who looks good in camo.

GUN

Just kidding, I don’t want to be IN this drama, I just want to observe from afar. Anyway, according to the papz, Jana is claiming her and Kristin aren’t even friends. Kristin has blocked her on social and has been slobbering all over country singer Chase Rice’s nob v. publicly at some of the most popular tourist bars in Nashville. (BE MORE OBVIOUS) And Jay is like yeah…we went on one date… BUT THEN, gr8 timing, as I was typing this the saga continued to unfold as I received this alert from my sister:

Shocking to no one, my brother in law is not entertained by our rabid need to pretend we are a part of these peoples’ lives. After the tip from my assistant reporter, I immediately scurried over to Instagram where I found both Jay and Jana had shared stories from Nate Bargatze’s show. Nate was just one of the first guests on Jay’s new podcast so no doubt he comped him some tix and where else have you heard about Nate? OH RIGHT, MY BLOG. If you’ll recall I slobbered all over Nate in my Netflix roundup from February. I’m not saying that I’m a tastemaker but I’m not NOT saying it either. Anyway, SOMEONE is reaping the bennies of Jana’s new rack and it ain’t Nate. Your move, Kristin.

5. #FreeButtney.

I realize that every time I release a JUice there’s a Free Britney update but I promise I don’t time these out, it just so happens that every few months there’s movement in her case and since I’ve been an avid supporter of the #FreeBritney movement, it feels wrong to not see this through even though it appears as though she’s gone of the rails a little bit. Regardless of her posting her butthole & more boob shots on Instagram…

…her psychopath dad has FINALLY made moves to release her from conservatorship prison. In Jamie’s petition he said, if Britney “believes that she can handle her own life, he believes that she should get that chance.” And also that she should take a beat from posting a$$ vids to Insta. Just kidding. That wasn’t in the petition. But should it have been?

Probz. Hey Brit, no one was questioning the legitimacy of your tramp stamp dumptruck shot. Video was not necessary. Either way, the next hearing is scheduled for September 29th so stay tuned for the Free BUTTney saga to continue. Anyone placing bets on how quickly she’ll end up on OnlyFans when she’s freed from the dad shackles? Just wondering.

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