JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/25/17

1. Kardashians Multiply Like Gremlins. (shouts to This Is Us)

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What a whirlwind of pregnancy announcements it’s been since last Friday. As soon as I published last week’s JUice, it hit the airwaves that Kylie Jenner is expecting a child with her rapper boyfriend who I didn’t even know she was dating. Kylie is 20. This “announcement” (even though no one from the fam confirmed it) came hot on the heels of their 10th anniversary special on E so ya gotta know Kris Puppetmaster Jenner was behind the whole thing. Still debating on if it’s a hoax that was used for ratings because we know everything must be on brand for this family and a borderline teen pregnancy doesn’t REALLY seem on brand. THEN at the beginning of this week it comes out that Khloe is pregnant as well. With her NBA boyfriend. JEEEZEEEEE. Again, no verbal confirmation from the family that never shuts up but I’m led to believe that Kris will be next at this point. Because you KNOW she needs to be a part of the attention and drama. Also fun fact: Kim and Kanye are expecting via surrogate. So basically, blink and they will multiply. And also, tune into their show because THEY’VE BEEN RAPING OUR TVS FOR 10 YEARS NOW. WUPH. (PS in case you were wondering I scooped everyone I know on both pregnancy announcements and it was a high like no other.)

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2. RIP Hef.

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That dirty dirty old man finally kicked the bucket and the world will forever remember him as a legend. Hef basically made sex slavery trendy and we were all fascinated by it. How does a man in his 70’s and 80’s have multiple girlfriends? I ate that shit right up. I watched the TV show and read all the articles. NEEDED to know the system that was in place that put one boobalicious blonde above another in the hierarchy of girlfriends for one geriatric gent. What were their roles? How often did they have sex? Regardless, when I heard the news of his passing I mentally gave a shout out to Crystal, his latest wife who is probably still in her 30’s. I was like wow, good for you girl. You snuck in at the bell, lived in his mansion and probably didn’t have to sex him up because he was beyond old as dirt at that point and now you will collect riches and have your full life ahead of you to start over. Except maybe NAHT because rumor has it he didn’t leave a dime for her. In which cause that BLOWS. But is also hilarious. Hef pulling one last prank from beyond the grave. GOTCHA, Crystal!!! Thanks for the blowies! (Is what I imagine he’s saying up in hussy heaven)

3. JT does LII.

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This isn’t really official yet but I want it to be SO bad. A JT halftime show is BOMB. He puts on the best show I’ve ever been to and I might just have to win the lottery and attend the actual super bowl, put up with bullshit football just to see this go down live. You know he’ll have MAD musician cameos because everyone loves him and the medley of fire hits would be unstoppable. I’m literally salivating as I type this looking forward to a halftime show for the first time since N*SYNC Britney and Aerosmith. Could it be a little risky because the last time JT graced the Super Bowl stage he pulled Janet Jackson’s nip out for the world to see? Kind of. But it’s been years. Give the guy a second chance to redeem himself. But also, nips are old hat. You’d have to do a whole lot more to shock today’s America and I’m ready to see what he has in store for us. LETZZZ GOOOOOOO.

4. JLD has breast cancer.

Well this sucks. She wins her 6th Emmy (breaking actual records) and finds out the next day that she has cancer. This wasn’t a happy scoop that I gave. BUT hopefully it will be when she beats it and everything will be fine again and she’ll keep slaying at every awards show ever.

5. Watch Channing Move DEM HIPS.

Yeah I get that it’s been two weeks in a row of me tossing in a James Corden vid but he’s just so goshdarn likeable. PLUS Channing. AND Magic Mike. Cue Ginuwine…and the weekend.

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Television

Emmys 2016 Recap

I missed the monologue (edit: then found it online and was immediately swayed to call at least one person a sneaky little crumpet-muncher this week) but I’m willing to give Jimmy Kimmel my stamp of approval as host because he’s pretty damn likeable and 90% of his jokes landed throughout the show. Even a Bill Cosby reference. Plus, his beef with Matt Damon should be old at this point but they found a way to keep it fresh. Also, he’s not Andy Samberg, who literally buzzkilled real hard last year. And that’s saying a lot since my power went out mid-show and I still missed half of his bits. Anyway, since my TV consumption pretty much begins and ends with trash, I don’t have a lot of knowledge of the nominees (except for People vs. OJ..prayers up that I watched something of “value” this year) but I do have a lot of snarky comments and here’s a brief recap of the 10 best things about the kickoff to the most wonderful time of the year—awards season.

1. Food jokes part 3. By law, there must always be a food bit at awards shows because Hollywood as a group, doesn’t eat. If you’ll recall we’ve already had pizzas delivered via Ellen at the Oscars and then a follow-up of girl scout cookies with Chris Rock. Kimmel went for a more traditional route by having his mom make everyone PB&J’s and I didn’t hate it. Mostly it just made me salivate for one, cut diagonally of course. Cin, could you whip one up and overnight it? Everyone knows a PB&J doesn’t taste good unless your mom has made it with love. It was a nice touch that Mrs. Kimmel also included a personal note in each sack lunch. I officially rank this bit above the girl scout cookies but will never hold a candle to A list celebs shoving a cheese slice in their pizza hole in evening wear.

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1a. JUice’s take on the Juice. As a part of this brown baggin it sketch, Jimmy also handed out juiceboxes and as an eternal fan of Ross’s tireless repeating of “Uncle Juice” for the entire season of The People vs. OJ, he fully deserved to be roasted via actual juicebox.

2. Claire Danes took a trip to the actual sun for tonight’s look. Unfortunately I missed Claire walking the red carpet but I can only hope that one of the interviewers asked her where she got her “glow” and then quickly answered for her “THE SUN?!”, Chandler Bing style. Wooooooooof to that spray tan girl. Double woof to an actual headline that I saw calling it a glow. That ain’t a glow. That’s toeing the line with blackface.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

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3. John Mayer’s guitar face wins all the Emmy’s. If you’ve ever been a fan of J.May you know that he has an all-time guitar stank face. Since he’s decided to become an official deadhead and tour the country jam-band style instead of making new bangerz, I’ve really missed that pinched look gracing my TV. It was a wonderful surprise to see it before commercial breaks. The only thing that was missing was a T. Swizzy audience dance-fest cutaway. (Could’ve really used this for Hiddleston’s entrance as well…just sayin the Emmy’s was missing drama.) PS I don’t count moving the camera from Hiddleston to Mayer as drama. Stop being so immature, Emmys.

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4. Comedy females crushed the genuine. Kate McKinnon won supporting actress for SNL and Julia Louis-Dreyfus won lead actress for Veep. Both ladies owned the acceptance speech. Kate brought the tears but wanted to clarify that they were real, which is important to know coming from a sketch actress. Julia apologized for creating an environment where it’s ok for politics to be a big ole joke but then it got real dusty in here when she talked about her dad dying a few days ago. We should all thank our parents for actually liking us because I imagine that can be difficult sometimes. (90% of the time, for me.)

5. KYLE CHANDLER, YAAASSSSSSS. Coach presents an award for something that I immediately ignored because I was busy slobbering all over how good he looked onstage. Clear eyes, full hearts, Kyle Chandler doesn’t age. Then Kit Harington and Andy Samberg do a bit about kissing him and he gets a second moment to shine. Obviously I would give Kyle Chandler a million kisses but I’ll also throw a smooch to whoever wrote him into the show this much. It was needed.

Reunited. #Emmys #fnl #blurry

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And not for nothing but I would also give all the kisses to Kit Harington as well. Swoon city.

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6. Matt Damon makes me want to start snacking healthy again. Damon continues his beef with Kimmel by strolling onstage post-lose and showing that he actually can be hilarious…and also that he’s the most graceful apple eater on this earth. Seriously, when I bite into an apple one would think a horse has gotten loose with the chomping and apple spray that ensues. Matt managed to chew like a hot piece while simultaneously roasting Jimmy and I’m proud of him for it.

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7. Queen B lost, but Hova won. Lemonade didn’t win (middle fingers up) but Jay-Z got to write the COOLEST line a guy could give to his lady via acceptance speech. Sterling K. Brown of People vs. OJ won, and confidently closed his speech with the lyric “I got the hottest chick in the game rocking my chain.” So, like, he got laid last night.

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Seriously, it’s goals on goals to be called out like that. Then Courtney B. Vance tried to get all up on that, copycat style. And then a white guy ruined it later on…Typs.

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8. Ryan Murphy Isn’t God. Even though I was proud to have actually watched a show that won shit, I would never go so far as to say that the People vs OJ was the best show on TV this year. Either way, the actors in it snag all the awards but then when the series wins, they’re played off the second they touch the mic. To be clear, everyone and their mother talked over the music until it stopped and yet the entire cast of this show was like eh, ok and just let the insulting premature strings send them packing. Should’ve taken some notes from Aziz Ansari who got played off then doubled back once he got the mic again and gave his acceptance speech. Play by your own rules People vs. OJ. Bunch of squares.

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9. Tori Kelly slays. Her acoustic version of “Hallelujah”gave me all the feels for the “insert celebrity name died this year, really?” portion of the show.

10. Byebyebyebyebyebyebyeeee. The final acceptance speech via the cast/crew of Game of Thrones ended with a stony-faced “bye bye” from a writer(?) possibly director or producer(?). Listen, I don’t know a damn thing about Game of Thrones other than that everyone watches it and there’s a lot of sex and murder but the biggest takeaway is that Bye Bye is SUPER weird unless you’re a marionette and you’re tacking on another bye. This might be all I remember from the 2016 Emmy’s and I respect this guy for it.

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Bonus: As election season coincides with awards season, we should all get reaaalll used to the fact that all of Hollywood is “with her.” And the correlating jokes are about to get exhausting.

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