Music, Television

TimberBowl Recap

I haven’t made it a regular thing to recap the Super Bowl. In fact, the last time I did was #49, the year of Left Shark and my very first Super Bowl win that affected my life. The Pats won, I was working in downtown Boston and got to pretend to be a fan in order to leave work for 90% of the day and watch the parade. Gronk pointed at me, I creeped on Brady and Edelman, it was a win win for everyone really. (Not so much this year…ZING.) Anyway, I got carried away there, the point of the story is, I’m gonna try and recap the Super Bowl for content again. And by recap I obviously mean laugh it up over some commercials and drool over mah main man JT.

Top Three Commercials (The only three that made me laugh):

Sprint Robots. I have the sense of humor of a five year old and this commercial was right up my alley. Robot looks this doc right in the eye and tells him he has a dumb face. BOOM. ROASTED. BY A ROBOT.

Doritos Blaze / Mountain Dew Ice. I’ve been a huge fan of Lip Sync Battle ever since it was just a sketch on Fallon and this is why. Having a celeb commit to performing someone else’s song and nailing every word is impressive. It’s even better when it’s not even close to what you expected coming out of their mouth. Peter Dinklage rapping Busta perfectly followed by Morgan Freeman doing Missy? Yes, please.

NFL Dirty Dancing. Odell Beckham Jr. and Eli Manning did the Dirrrrty and since we know OBJ has moves for days, they gave Eli the lead. And let me tell you, he was stiff as a board. Not one hip swivel that would’ve made Patrick Swayze proud.

Creepiest Commercial Award goes to: Steven Tyler driving a Kia and coming out of it a wax statue of his younger years. Seeing that was ALMOST as rough as his janky ass toes that he flaunts all over the joint.

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And finally, the real reason for this event…TIMBERBOWL TIME.

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JT kicked it off with Filthy (which I called, NBD but KBD), he struts his stuff and grinds on some betches and it’s gametime. He then dives into a medley of nothin but the hits, which isn’t really news because JT has only been putting out bangers for the past 20 years. What we do need to address is his wooftastic outfit. Busy AF mountain patterned coordinated separates, as he’s flanked by dancers wearing army green gauchos and red suspenders. YIKES. He’s really embracing this woodsy vibe I guess. This was strike one of the performance. (Adding a jacket for Suit & Tie on top of that barfarama didn’t help matters either, nor did it distract from that red handkerchief hanging from his neck.)

#SBLII #PepsiHalftime @Pepsi @NFL #MOTW @thetnkids

A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake) on

Strike two was taking it down halfway through for a piano solo and casual Prince projection that he played along with. I get that Prince is from Minnesota so it was supposed to be a nice tribute but like, odd way to do it. Shouts to the purple lights over the city though, cause that was cooler than watching a VHS projected on a bedsheet hanging behind his piano.

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Most importantly let’s talk about Mirrors and how it gave me chills and will continue to do so until the end of time. I wish the entire halftime performance was just him performing Mirrors, uncut. I would watch that all day, erreday. Oh yeah, and some 13 year old wiener got to take a billion selfies with JT during the trolls finale and clearly didn’t know the words to Can’t Stop the Feeling, which you have to be a moron not to know the words to. GET IT TOGETHER, KID. The internet has immediately roasted him for not having a clue who Justin even is. So now we’ve made him even more famous. Eye roll.

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Overall rating: Safe halftime show, wooftastic wardrobe, entertaining obviously but could’ve used more fun stuff (like maybe an N*SYNC reunion). Also that dancing?! Undie slush city.

PS Everyone can F all the way off with this shit about JT creating controversy by performing Rock Your Body without Janet Jackson. HEY WORLD, JANET JACKSON IS IRRELEVANT, JT GETTING THE HALFTIME SHOW IS NOT AN ATTACK ON HER OR HER RACE. STFU.

BONUS: Since I stayed up WAY past my bed time. Like WAY WAY (talking 2am, folks) to watch Jack Pearson traumatically die and then FINALLY the tonight show. Here’s some clippy clips. JT and JFall continued to make me giggle and feel as though I am a part of their bromance as they do silly voices and have inside jokes. Me too, guys! I’m in this too! Also Justin continued his new “outdoorsy” lewk with jeans, tims, a bright orange shirt and camo jacket. I’m a little peeved with him replacing the fedora with this weird Marv from Home Alone beanie. But whatevs. He performed two songs as well but lezzz be real, I stayed up just to watch him act like an idiot with his BFF Jimmy.

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Pop Culture, Television

Tim Riggins for the NFL

5 Reasons Why Riggins Would Be the Best Player in the League

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It’s football season again and every year when social media turns into fantasy picks and game commentary, I have a sudden urge to restart Friday Night Lights because I would rather watch Riggins get hammered and tackle the shit out of some high school players than watch real life professional players in our country’s most beloved sport. But whatever, I think choosing FNL over football makes me more patriotic. If Riggs were in the NFL I would probably play closer attention and here’s why I think he would be GREAT as a professional footballer (dare I say, even better than Tom Brady?) It’s a good thing I don’t live in Boston anymore…

PS for the sake of selling the best version of Riggs, we’re gonna go ahead and gloss right over his criminal history.

1. Parties hard, plays hard. There is rarely a time when Riggins is not holding a beer, or fiercely hungover and yet he’s one of the finest athletes on the Dillon Panthers. Could his drinking habits at the age of 17 be seen as alcoholism? Possibly. But Riggs is more of a get home from a long hard day and crack a beer kind of guy rather than funneling before school every morning, so it’s more fun, less debilitating. There’s a lot of guys in the NFL who blow money on booze and drugs to celebrate their cool life, but a lot of them also end up in rehab or fired, Riggs has it under control. He suits up on game day and then hits Smittys or The Landing Strip with the boys to wind down. Even the rally girls know what’s good when they hand him a six pack as a pre-game ritual, instead of baked goods.

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2. Loyal to his home state. Tim Riggins IS Texas. All he wants for his life is a piece of land and a good bar to rest his head. Professional athletes get traded or offered a bigger salary to change teams but Riggs would never leave Texas and let down his fans (cough, cough Lebron). Say it with me now…Texas Forever.

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3. Charismatic. Look, Tim’s not the sharpest tool in the shed…I guess that’s what tends to happen when you have rally girls do your homework and you take Wednesdays off from school. What he lacks in book smarts (The Scarlett Letter), he makes up for in personality. Riggs is the life of the party and a true entertainer. He could use a little work on his stand up material–i.e. “How about Saracen sleeping with the Coach’s daugher?”–but you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t be riveting in post-game interviews or team press conferences. He wouldn’t show up just so he didn’t get fined…he would put on a show. Can you name anyone else who would tell the school that he’s pregnant and needs a couple of days to relax so he can flip a house with his buddies? Bonus points for creativity.

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4. Not a Narc. As a captain of the Dillon Panthers, Riggins was a natural leader. He knew how to motivate his teammates on the field, but also how to get them laid—I’m lookin at you JD. Part of being a team player is not pointing the finger when someone sucks. I think Riggins learned a little bit about that when he oh so casually went to prison for Billy. What a rough time for Tim and his usually luscious locks…but just goes to show how he would rather be locked up than rat on someone, if there were to be say, I don’t know, a cheating scandal in the NFL.

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5. Mentor. Under that rough around the edges, boozy playboy exterior is a real heart of gold. Riggins is good with kids and acted as a big brother to that little shit Bo who lived next door. He taught him how to defend himself and how to play football, making him a shoe-in for training camps and charity work in the NFL. Tim also helped out with demon child Gracie Bell when he lived with the Taylors and any interaction with that creature deserves a gold medal. After doing time, he was Uncle Riggs to baby Stevie and it just melted my icy cold heart.

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*BONUS* Have you seen him? I get that the NFL is not a modeling agency but it doesn’t hurt, right Eric Decker? I never thought I could be attracted to a man with hair the same length as mine until I laid eyes on Tim Riggins. His flowing lettuce and perfect smile reel in the ladies and I think he would do just fine in sponsorships and product endorsements. Not to mention the bad boy appeal. No more Tom Brady for Uggs…it should be Tim Riggins for Stetson–shirt very optional.

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So whatdya say, NFL? Let’s make some memories with Tim Riggins. No regrets.

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