This is the last new episode until February 4^th so let’s cherish these last moments together. Remember how we’ve been watching the same story lines for 9 weeks now and nothing has really been happening? Well this episode is exactly like the others, EXCEPT for the last 10 minutes, because it’s the “fall finale” you see, and the writers are specifically paid to cram as many cliffhangers into the last moments as humanly possible, cause ratings. So we all have that to look forward to….at the end of this blog. HAHA I CAN DO IT TOO. Keeping you guys on the edge of your seat, nailed it. Let’s talk boring shit first.

Remember how Layla slept with Jeff Fordham and we were all like oh, honey? Well she falls right into that trap that we all saw from miles away and this week she starts flirty texting him like they’re both in 8^th grade. “Excited for your party tonight!” “Are you bringing a date?” She types with a shit eating grin on her face and we all cover our eyes knowing what’s about to happen. I didn’t know that Jeff Fordham was going to become my favorite person this week. I think it’s finally gotten to the point where he’s so greasy and evil that it’s actually hilarious now. Jeff tells Will that there’s rumors about him being gay, you know, cause he’s gay, and Will’s like hey let’s just keep ignoring those, no biggie. Jeff’s not into that though, so he gives one of my favorite lines of the night when he tells Will to “butch it up.” YES. Will takes this to mean that he should force his wife Layla to come on tour with him, but she’s already planning her wedding to Jeff so she politely says nah I’m dating a straight now while she’s texting him heart emojis. Will sees the two of them mingling at Jeff’s Christmas party and puts two and two together because they are NOT discreet with their “I’m going to put a santa hat on you and we’ll giggle” style of flirting. Will addresses Jeff about banging his wife and smooth moves Jeff delivers my second favorite line of the night, “Clearly she’s not getting it at home so it’s better that she get it from me than some stranger.” Jeff laying pipe because SOMEBODY’S gotta do it. But then of course Layla gets sloppy drunk and throws herself at the Jeffster and he’s like no thank you, please stop and girl goes OFF. Jeff pays her in pills to calm the F down because giving pills to a depressed wasted white girl always ends in butterflies and rainbows. Oh, also Will sleeps with a random chick at the party to prove he’s not gay. (Have I typed that same sentence before? Anyway…)

Speaking of random chicks, remember Kiley the actual mom of Micah the most annoying kid in the world who acts way too much like a toddler to be like 8 years old? Yeah his grandparents come into town because it turns out they’re his legal guardians since their daughter up and peaced out. Gunnar, the gleaming dad is PEZZED because he’s all about Micah now and he’s taking the grandparents to court for custody. Gunnar lawyers up and they focus WAY too much on how he has to take a paternity test to prove he’s the father and since we’re not idiots we all know this means Gunnar isn’t the real father. Gunnar entertains the grandparents at the house and they all have a nice family dinner where Micah tells them how he got to go to the CMA’s but doesn’t tell them how he got lost going to the goddamn bathroom. The grandparents declare their hate for Gunnar because he used to be a jailbird. Micah’s obviously listening at the top of the stairs and wah-wahing.

You know who else is calling the wahmbulance this episode? Deacon because it’s Rayna’s wedding weekend and he’s on high alert to hit the sauce again. Scarlett decides to babysit him in Memphis and they hit the town booze free. They start out by watching some ducks swim around a fountain, then they find a karaoke bar where they get onstage SOBER because they’re professional singers and become the people everyone hates at a karaoke bar. If you can actually sing you don’t belong at karaoke, stop making everyone else look bad. Then Deacon tells Scarlett he doesn’t feel well and goes home, sees a magazine cover of Ruke/Layna, gets the scaries, throws shit around and then apparently passes out on the floor to be found by Scarlett later, unconscious.

Whoa things got dark there for a second, let’s bring it back up with Juliette and Avery folding baby clothes and having a way too casual conversation about how they’re going to handle having a baby and not being together. Juliette just happens to toss it out there that she does have a guest room and oh wait, would you look at that, here’s your spare key to the house that just happened to be lying around. I think we all know how these two are at this point..Avery’s all for it, then he has a little freak out about it and then everything’s ok again because they’re having a baby and they love each other and Jeff Fordham who?! Meanwhile, Sadie Stone is in the recording studio and who shows up? Her ex-husband Pete who’s demanding dollaz for her songs about him. They have an intense moment when Sadie tells Pete to GTFO and then Avery shows up and they start recording and having a heart to heart about their exes. There was an uncomfortably long moment when they were both committed to head bopping and gazing into each other’s eyes serenading and I wondered how any human could possibly stare that long without feeling weird. And then Sadie talks about how her ex-husband is an asshole but she doesn’t regret marrying him and tells Avery that it’s impossible to be friends with an ex. Hi, I’m a red flag, nice to meet ya.

Another red flag that I choose to ignore but is still occurring on a weekly basis is Bach. Teddy being creepy and gross with his call girl(friend). They’re back at it again this week, banging in front of the Christmas tree, ah the holidays, wonder why that was omitted from the Rayna James Christmas Special. Was this penetration sesh a Christmas gift for Teddy or will he be charged for this one? I’m guessing it was added to his tab because later on, after Teddy is browsing pictures of his daughters post-whoring it out, he comes to his senses and tells his hooker girlfriend NO MORE. Teddy’s done writing checks for sex because pics of his kids remind him he has a heart of gold, or something?

And onto the main event that everyone (no one) has been waiting for, Rayna’s wedding to Luke that all of us knew was never going to happen and yet the show still constantly teased us WHAT WILL RAYNA DO like their viewers are a bunch of morons. Rayna models her wedding dress that I hated real hard, which is a good thing we only saw her wear it in front of the mirror and guess what ya’ll, Tandy’s back in town!! Remember her? Yeah, me neither. She’s here to tell Rayna that pre-wedding jitters are aok and also to insult her last wedding dress that was also hideous. Since Rayna can’t do anything without having it sponsored or filmed anymore, America would like her to extend the Honeymoon Tour with Luke for another 6 months and Rayna’s done being famous now that she whored herself out to the media and instantly regretted it so she tells Luke she’s not into extending the tour. Luke acts like the dream fiance when he assures Rayna that it’s her decision and he’ll do whatever makes her happy. REEEALLLLYY laying it on thick to sympathize with Luke when Rayna stomps on his heart later, one last ditch effort to get the Team Deaconites to switch sides. Ain’t happenin. A little conflict occurs when Rayna tells the girls that she’s going to stay home with them and not keep touring and leaving them to run the house for months at a time. Maddie declares that Rayna can feel free to keep abandoning them because they’re going to boarding school like Luke’s kids do, and Luke approved it. Hm, Rayna should you throw your teenage horny daughter into a college setting with her step brother that she can’t stop making out with? Although that could make for quality TV, Rayna gives a hard no. Then she has the same exact fight with Luke that she’s been having all season about living less like famous, rich divas and they passive aggressively duke it out ending every sentence with babe of course. PLEASE LET THERE BE AN END TO THE CONSTANT “BABE-ING” SOON. It’s like the writers read my mind because after the babe-off, Rayna kicks her wedding doubts into high gear. She tears up at her rehearsal dinner when Maddie and Daphne perform a song they wrote for her and there’s paparazzi all up in their grillpieces, then there’s a lengthy dramatic scene with sad music as Rayna stares at her wedding dress, then her engagement ring from Deacon, then the Rolling Stone, milking this shit for all it’s worth. And FINALLY, the morning of the wedding, with her hair for the first time ever looking anything but fabulous, Rayna breaks it off with Luke among their thousands of funded by People Magazine white chairs and gives him the ole it’s not you it’s me speech. That was cold, Ray. Luke throws some chairs like a tough guy, maybe trying to be more like Deacon to change her mind? Doesn’t matter because Rayna has already committed, taking off that heavy ass ring and having a quick sob sesh in the car.

Rayna breaking off the wedding is the catalyst for all OH SHIT moments that we so greatly deserve. They’re fired at us like bullets from the gun that killed Teddy’s fake pregnant mistress one by one. First up, Avery proposes to Juliette in the most unromantic way possible making her believe he’s not moving in and then saying let’s get married and crushing her with a fierce kiss. I suddenly hate the two of them because Juliette is so desperate to have him back that she’s like Ok cool and they get married and she wears fabric flowers in her hair. They probably got sick of me taunting them to just get back together already and stop being such teases. Second, Sadie’s ex-husband that I was bored with for being a played out story line proves me wrong with one swift punch to her face after he shows up at her door. PETE KO’S SADIE. Now THAT’S the story line we all deserved. (For the record this is not me condoning abuse…unless it’s in fictional TV with a boring character…then it gets real interesting, real quick) Third, Layla is “do something very regrettable” drunk and hits those pills Jeff gave her like nobody’s biz. She’s found face down in the same pool that Teddy and the hooker skinny-dipped in. Instead of calling the cops, Jeff calls his fellow slimeball bro Teddy to make it better quick. Fourth, Deacon wakes up in the hospital and as it turns out he wasn’t drinking, his liver just took a 30 second TO and also he might have cancer. (Timing is everything.) Just as Scarlett is getting weepy about that, fourth, Gunnar shows up super weepy himself and chokes out that he’s not Micah’s father, but his dead brother Jason IS. BOOM. ZING. ELECTRIC. This is some soap opera shit, guys. They sob it up about that and Rayna drives off into the sunset with a creepy half smile on her face. Where is she going? NOBODY KNOWS. Just kitten. Everybody knows she’s gonna go hit up Deacon for sloppy fifths but now he might be terminally ill, so that complicates things. Hold on to your hats, folks, we have to wait until February to see how this all plays out. Predictions are welcome below!

Random Highlights:

-When Maddie is making her sales pitch for boarding school she says “Even Dad’s been like SUPER busy lately.” Hmm, I wonder who what he could possibly be so busy doing, Mads.

-Sadie gifts Rayna with a coin for her wedding? Was that a real thing that happened or did I imagine that?

-There’s definite eye sex between Maddie and Colt at the rehearsal dinner during their little song. Get it gurl.

-I spent far too many minutes this episode trying to figure out what the F was up with Tandy’s hair. I sort of recall a story line when she was still clinging onto the show for dear life about her chopping her hair off but it appeared as though the makeup/hair dept. really half assed it and just pulled her hair back for this episode and told the cameramen to avoid any angle that might reveal it. They didn’t do a great job. Either way her hair looked super uggz and I’m hoping that she gets shipped back to San Fran or wherever she scampered off to real soon. No need for another dead-end character hogging up my recaps.