I missed the first 20 minutes of this episode. And you know what? I’m not sorry. This episode was as boring as the rest of them have been. SPICE IT UP REAL QUICK BRAVO. Show a pulse. I’m assuming in the 20 minutes that I missed, Bella’s DWI was glossed over and Kyle bragged about how rich and luxurious her family is.

I tuned in just in time to catch Eileen in the dressing room getting ready for her appearance on the Young and the Restless. Another actress on Y&R is paid to sit and drool over Eileen asking her a million questions about her career and what she’s done in soap opera world. Eileen has not killed anyone yet in fake life, however she has raped a priest on Days of Our Lives. She didn’t need to remind me, as I watched it go down in real time. She got away with it for FAR too long if you ask me. Crazy Bitch. She then says she can’t really complain about her job because she gets paid to play pretend and make out with hot men in showers..she tries to complain about how awkward that is but it’s not convincing, or she’s not really a good actress.

We get a whole lot of Monty time this week (that’s Kim’s first husband, father of Brooke who is about to get married.) If you recall from a couple weeks ago when the sisters Richards went wedding dress shopping, Kim revealed that Monty has a whole lot of cancer and is essentially dying. It was a little rough to watch him subject himself to the stupidity that is this show knowing that about his health. Monty and Kim go get pedicures at a SUPER manly nail salon called “Hammers and Nails”. Apparently this is masculine enough for Monty and he’s real into the gab and nails sesh with Kim. Kim tells us she still loves the shit out of Monty but they were best friends and not lovers and got married way too young. She takes a crack at Monty that he robbed the cradle when he married her and then tells a nice story about how Monty disappears for weeks at a time and goes to Vegas and then Kim will come home one day and Monty is in her backyard lurking like a serial killer. He always comes back, that Monty. Kim also does a phenomenal scratchy voice impression of Monty. It’s no wonder she was once an actress.

Lisa—practically the only housewife who hasn’t dabbled in acting or modeling, is being rewarded with a star in Palm Springs this week because apparently her calling is being a voice for the gays. (I’m assuming this is referring to the gay club she built and manages.) Lisa invites some of her gay pals as well as Rinna out to Palm Springs to support her. She makes a point not to invite any of her “friends” because they’ll ruin the special occasion and probably accuse her of buying the honor. (Just throwing it out there, is there proof that she didn’t buy the star?) Anyway her motley crew has a nice group dinner in Palm Springs where she asks Rosia, their maid to join them at the table because Rosia is selfless or something. I’m seriously getting real sick of the Real Maids of Beverly Hills being a subplot every week. No matter how many times a housewife forces her maid into conversation or talks up how much they respect and love them there will always be one thing that happens to prove to everyone that they are the hired help and not actually their BFF’s. For instance, when a lovely conversation of Brazilian waxes and bushes develops at the dinner table, Lisa turns to Rosia and asks her to leave the room like she is a child up past her bedtime and the adults are talking now. Rosia is forced to put her earmuffs on and scurry along to do the dishes. Also a disappointment at this meal: Asian Kevin the sassy shi-shi Beverly Hills event planner is present and yet we don’t hear him speak once. What is the point of Ken making an appearance if he’s not going to be ridiculous entertainment and a contestant in one of my favorite games entitled “let’s see if his face moves.” There is discussion, however, of Max’s new girlfriend who is 15 years older and how much Lisa hates her and Rinna shrinks in her seat because this topic hits a little close to home for her relationship. One would think with the gaggle of friends that Lisa has, she would understand that age differences in marriage is a liiiiiittle touchy. See: her own marriage. Anywho…Max makes an appearance later on with said girlfriend in tow (but not on camera) and shows off a gnarls barkley mustache situation on his face.

At the star presenting ceremony later, everyone is wearing pink in honor of Lisa and she is announced at the red carpet, followed by a formal announcement for Giggy and then…..Ken. Lance Bass makes a cameo in efforts to keep interest level up in this show–it doesn’t really work. Lance makes the speech for Lisa and some saucy comments about his nipples showing and is a liar who tells lies when he says “She has quickly become one of America’s sweethearts.” I’m sorry…are we talking about the same Lisa? Did he confuse Rinna and the Ice Queen because there’s no way I would ever use the term America and sweetheart to describe Lisa Vanderpump. Her star is revealed and has so many titles on it that it’s impossible to believe it would fit on such a small slab. If your star on any walk of fame reads like a resume, you’re obviously not famous.

In the fabulous life of Kyle Richards, though not receiving a star, she probably should be winning the award for best sister because she CUT her European yacht vacation short to attend Brooke’s wedding. Naturally she will not let that slide without a few comments. In particular, she utters, “Kim gets to be the lucky sister…her daughter walks down the aisle first.” Dripping with jealousy. I wouldn’t have been the least bit shocked if she shouted SHE WON at the end. After exclaiming how incredibly tired her family is and how difficult it will be to attend this wedding after weeks laying on a yacht in the Mediterranean, Kyle musters enough energy to celebrate her homecoming with her dogs and gift them with Chanel food and water bowls because she couldn’t take them with her on vacation.

The wedding day has arrived and in addition to being tired, Kyle & Co. are also wildly unprepared, with Kyle calling Kim last minute to ask what everyone is supposed to wear. Seems like a thing that would’ve been discussed among family members before the actual wedding day but that’s neither here nor there. Kim is all sobs on the phone with Kyle as she reminisces on Brooke as a baby and then they talk about their parents who can’t be there. Kyle makes sure they get back to the important matter at hand, which is obviously should Mauricio wear a suit or not. Then Kyle gets ready with her brood and her daughter asks if she can have one of Kyle’s necklaces when she dies and Portia would like a top bun in her hair because she is the fashionista of all flower girls. Across the Hills, Kim gets her makeup and hair done then has a nice sit with Monty’s second wife and they have awkward forced conversation about when they first met in the 70’s or something. Monty arrives in tux and they talk more about how they can’t believe Brooke is getting married because it hasn’t been directly discussed enough and Monty says something along the lines of “Our moms are watching and stuff.” Say what you will about Monty but the man is extremely eloquent.

And finally the wedding is here and as the clock ticks we see that this episode’s plot was not the wedding itself, but Kim blubbering on about the wedding to anyone who will listen before it actually happens. The wedding takes place at Kathy Hilton’s house because OF COURSE. Kathy is the stand-in mom for Kim and Kyle during this event, according to Kyle. I was gleefully waiting for Kathy to tell Kim she looked like a pile of dogshit but unfortunately she was on her best behavior most likely forced to sign a gag order from Kim so the day could be perfect. Kim still has the wah-wahs and can’t pull her shit together moments before the wedding with her sisters surrounding her and they are just barely entertaining this sobfest. They look at her like they’re looking at a child trying to string a coherent sentence together and then Kim probably realizes that Kathy is telling her with her eyes to knock it off and the wedding begins. The groom’s name is THAYER and he dips Brooke for their first kiss getting way too caught up in the theatrics of their wedding being on a cable network. That’s literally all we see of the wedding and all you’ll ever need to know about it. Congrats on sitting through another terribly boring episode of women behaving and talking a lot about their family and maids. Tune in next week for a PROMISING group event at Kyle’s that could create some group friction and if it doesn’t, I officially give up, like Lance Bass clearly did when he agreed to appear on this show.