We’re getting warmer in this season-long game of Hot & Cold: Housewives Pointless Fights Edition. We had friction this week, padded of course by far too many minutes of fluff story but I think we might finally be getting somewhere here. The focus (fluff story) of this episode was Rinna’s pilgrimage back to her po-dunk roots in middle America to say farewell to her childhood home. Rinna kicks it with her teen daughters on the trampoline to break the news that their weekend trip includes a visit to their grandparents. Rinna is wearing ripped jeans and is all the cool mom talking about sharing her jeans with her girls and they obviously do not take the travel news well. Once they’ve landed in Medford, Rinna drives them through town and points out the local landmarks, including the McDonalds she went to every Sunday after church and her daughters politely but not even a little bit politely judge her for being such a trashmonster growing up. Ah, teenage girls <3. And that wraps up everything that I’m going to write about Rinna in this recap because I like to keep things light and snappy and her visiting her dying dad who declared that he doesn’t feel like he belongs anywhere is depressing as shit and created quite a sobfest sitch while I was watching.
QUICK—we need a laugh! Imagine Lisa calling her two “gay swans” Hanky and Panky “sexy boys” and playing grab ass with one of them telling him he’ll be in her bed soon enough. Nope, you read that right; Lisa Vanderpump was getting REAL rapey with some swans. Girl’s trying to shed her ice queen image, and it’s not going the way she thought it would. She goes after her dogs next getting all up in their biz and I’m wondering if Lisa should be surrounded by so many animals at this point in her life. While this circus is occurring, Ken tries to stir up some girl drama by asking if any of Lisa’s friends have congratulated her on her star that we unfortunately had to see her receive last week. For the smallest of seconds, I’m grateful for Ken for trying to liven up this show for us.
Since we’ve only seen boring peeks into Eileen’s life, it was time for her to be introduced to the group so that at least one person can hate her and then create a new rivalry for us all to choose teams for. Rinna eases her into the group with a nice breezy Malibu lunch with Yolanda. Yolanda and Eileen have kids the same age and both agreed that their kids should be able to have sex with their sig. others under their roof, Rinna chimes in that maybe it’s time to put her girls on the pill and I wish I wasn’t listening to three women talk about their kids’ sex lives on TV. Yo’s down with Eileen’s spirit and energy and they bond over how they both used to clean toilets and like to live simple lives (no house staff…you know except for the several maids we’ve seen Yolanda talking to before.)
Speaking of simple living, let’s roll on over to Kyle’s place and see what her and her “ladysitter” Justin are up to. WHAT IS A LADYSITTER? Someone please advise. Anyway, Kyle wants to plan another party because people stopped talking about her White Party and that just won’t do. She’s throwing a barbeque without the hotdogs. I think I speak for everyone when I say that this sounds terrible. BBQ=Wieners. Ladysitter oversteps his payroll and asks if EVERYTHING has to be so luxe in BH (“Do you people ever do anything normal?”) and it’s safe to say that Justin is now on unemployment and trying to use food stamps at Starbucks. Kyle forges on with her party though, determined to not let anyone get in her way. The day has arrived and Kyle is wearing a modest floor length animal print gown that just SCREAMS backyard hootenanny. “I’m still jet-lagged from Spain.”- Kyle declares to anyone and everyone in earshot and it becomes very clear that when Portia is 16, Kyle will still most certainly be jet-lagged from Spain and talking about it. Speaking of Portia she’s still really digging on the top bun look…
New fast friends based on their home proximity, Yolanda and Eileen (and her tennis pro, former teen idol husband) carpool to the BBQ to end all BBQ’s. Yo & Eileen slobber all over each other on the ride over and let’s all take a moment to bow down to Yo who is wearing jorts and knee high gladiator sandals. Yes please. Yo continues to be my fave when she sparks up a little friction by immediately cornering Lisa about her star winning in Palm Springs and why the hell she wasn’t invited to it. All Yo wants to do is be a good friend and congratulate Lisa but Lisa throws some major shade and does her best “I’m gonna walk away from the convo and say a bunch of random things until she drops it.” She didn’t drop it, that Dutch enforcer and Lisa was forced to throw down her classic “Let’s not talk about that,” as she excused herself to booty call her swan probably.
The swan must’ve been busy because Lisa is then approached by Brandi about her housewarming party and how Lisa has yet to RSVP, which is just rude party etiquette, gawd, Lisa. It’s going to take a lot more than a bitchy phone call from a friend’s phone for Lisa to forgive Brandi and “warm her house.” Brandi handles this like an adult with a capital A and gets sloppy drunk and tries to touch all up on Ken later forcing him to like her again. He moves faster than I’ve ever seen his old hips move when she finally lets him out of her clutches and Brandi cackles into her mostly empty glass of wine. Deciding that there’s no such thing as being too drunk OR too aggressive, Brandi tells Lisa one more time that she should come to the housewarming and Lisa responds by quickstepping out the door so Brandi spouts that she’s done kissing ass and her life DOES NOT revolve around Lisa Vanderpump, which I would believe had she not just spent the entire party trying to trick the Vanderpumps into coming to her “I finally locked down a house for another month or two” celebration. The good news is that there is a near showdown between Brandi and Eileen, who just met but give us all hope for a new Beverly Hills Beef when they bet $100 on a Days of Our Lives character. Also Eileen calls Brandi a Superfan in the most disgusted tone she could muster and isn’t really into learning about Brandi’s vagina surgery within minutes of meeting her. Fingers crossed this takes priority over the dying Lisa/Brandi beef. That’s literally all I’m asking Santa for if we’re being honest.
Did I miss anything from the invite-only but not really because Eileen & her hubs showed up BBQ? Ah yes, the walk down memory lane of childhood acting. How could I ever omit Kim’s theatrical storytelling about the time that she lied and said she was a tennis player to get a role in Magnum P.I.? Kim really captivated the crowd with this reenactment that went on for way too long and finally her stupid story paid off when we were shown a clip from the episode itself for literally ONE SECOND, which leads me to believe that Eileen’s husband’s brother did NOT make Kim look like a tennis pro on TV after all. Fortunately for us, this opened the door for both Eileen and Kyle to share their own drawn out stories of how they lied to get an acting gig. Kyle pretended to wear glasses for a role and Eileen had an entire motorcycle fall on her frail body. Who wins? I’ll let you decide. Until next week when we get to hear grown ass women talk about cunninglingus, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good set of earmuffs for that pending train wreck.