RHOBH, Television

RHOBH- “Livin’ La Vida Housewife”

It’s vacation time this week in Beverly Hills, ah who are we kidding it’s always vacation time…this week happens to be Yolanda and Kyle’s spin through the Mediterranean on Champagne O’clock, the moderately sized yacht. But first Kyle must go over to Kim’s to watch her model the dresses she’ll wear at Brooke’s wedding. Plot twist: everyone in Kim’s house is sick and Kyle makes a big scene about it, doing everything short of pulling a SARS mask out of her back pocket. Kim’s dirty little kids will NOT ruin Kyle’s vacay. She gets out of there before she can catch all the diseases that fester in Kim’s house and gets right to packing, family style. Mauricio models some American Eagle flip-flops and Kyle imparts her wisdom on us all by saying that those flip-flops on a first date are a total deal breaker. Too late for that Kyle. Speaking of deal breakers, Portia is wearing acrylics and makeup and on her way to her own housewives franchise. The Real Housewives of Pre-School—“In a room full of kids eating play dough, I’m not afraid to eat caviar,” is what I imagine her tagline would be as she tosses her curls and stomps out to the playground.

While Kyle is taking a stretch limo to her private jet to then boarding a yacht for the week, Brandi meets with a guy to ink a bigger deal for her podcast. Girl needs cash, quick and she’s not shy about admitting it. They tell her she needs to T it down to make more money and she says, “I don’t know if I have a family friendly side.” Girl, same. She makes it happen though, because her kids keep asking her when the F she’s gonna be rich. She uses her first 6 figure check to buy a car all on her own so she can roll up to Eddie & Leann’s house and make them suck it. Do you, Brandi, do you. Except for when you’re wearing that porno “I Dream of Jeannie” look in your side interviews, in that case, do less.

We get a peek into Eileen’s life in Malibu as she pals around with her kids and third husband, don’t worry, she draws attention to it before we get a chance to. She also jumps on the chance to talk up her husband, as they all tend to do, and says he was a teen idol then a tennis professional, and now he’s the co-host of the world poker tournament. Womppp my how the teen idols have fallen. And that sums up Eileen…I now completely understand why she was omitted from the first three episodes–she’s a snoozefest.

Onto more important things-Lisa and Ken go shopping at Yana’s store for dog clothes. Yana is a European grown woman who wears a hot pink wig and carries around a Chihuahua who attacks anyone who gets too close. I honestly wish that I were making some of this up. They fit Giggy for clothes for his appearances and then Ken literally tongues the dog. I’m can only assume that Lisa brings Ken home to put him to bed after this and then later on we see her doing a Lisa squared lunch with Rinna. Lisa tells us that she loves Rinna a lot because Rinna actually gets what it’s like to be busy and work, unlike those other “friends.” (She actually used air quotes. Icicles dripped from her quoting fingers.) Lisa then goes on to boldly lie and say she’s never talked shit about anyone. Any woman who ever utters these words is a big liar who tells lies, whether they’re on TV or not, so nice try, Lisa. Rinna throws some compliments Lisa’s way, adding to her rep as the all around girl next door housewife. Then they go shopping and Lisa insults everything that Rinna picks out and tries on. Her eyes and stern tone make Rinna rethink all of her life decisions and Lisa glides away to continue not talking shit about anyone.

But anyway, enough about those poors of Beverly Hills who can’t afford to take the rich person’s version of a cruise around Spain. Back to the sea, where Yolanda graces Kyle’s “dinky yacht” with her presence. Yolanda reminisces on her vacation with David that just ended and referred to it as their time to be lovers and I closed my ears until she ceased that talk. The girls pretend they vacation like the rest of us and go tubing, where Yolanda refers to the tube as a bagel and Kyle thrives off of this cackling the whole time. Yolanda is foreign and can’t pronounce things, so this makes Kyle feel better about her smaller yacht. They hit land to do some sightseeing and Yo throws on some sneaks, reminding us why she’s our favorite low-key housewife who favors sneaks, jorts and yoga pants. Kyle wears a big hat and a practical pair of wedges for walking, reminding us why she’s our most hated diva of a housewife. Yolanda showing Kyle the ancient buildings and cathedrals is like watching the cultured and worldly tour guide leading Elle Woods around. We get to see a lot of Kyle/Yo bonding this trip and I’m not sure how I feel about it. They have a heart to heart about sick/dying parents, then sending their kids to college. Things get real, real quick when they agree that they want their daughter’s asses as they lay in string bikinis, drinking wine and ogling Alexia’s assets. We get to see a joyous Kyle panic attack as she makes a scene about jumping off the yacht into the water, and Yo tells her to grow a pair because her kids are watching.

Then my girl Yo goes through some rough times when she gets a call from David informing her that Bella got a DUI. Yolanda keeps it real as a parent and a down to earth person when she talks about how disappointed she is and how wrong it was rather than freaking out and making it about herself like I suspect someone else aboard the Champagne O’clock may have done. But more on that next week guys, cliffhanger city. (NOT.) In closing, if we don’t throw everyone in an all white dining room together for a dinner party with flowing wine and place cards that contain selective hearts REAL soon, I’m going to have to take drastic measures. WHAT’S THE HOLDUP, ANDY?!

Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies

When I think of the Christmas season, one of the first things that comes to mind is sitting on the couch for a full Saturday or Sunday (whichever day my hangover is worse) and watching back to back original holiday movies. Whether it be on the Hallmark channel, Lifetime, ABC Family, or UP (the God Network), it is through the magic of Christmas and underpaid actors that I’m able to crush cheesy rom-coms back to back. It was not to my surprise that when I brought up this guilty pleasure with friends, most* of them admitted they love* these movies too. (*Most meaning my sister and my mom, *love meaning love to hate.) Since I’ve consumed far too many to reveal to the masses, I’ll give you a list of the ones to watch and the ones to skip this holiday season.

Disclaimer: There are two general things that I immediately look for before I get invested in watching a holiday movie and sitting through endless commercials. 1. The movie needs to have two attractive people that will eventually fall in love. If one or more of the soon to be couple is uggo, ditch the movie because there is no reason to root for them. 2. This has been proven wrong in one case, which I will detail below, but if there is any sort of child story line it will blow and you will be forced to watch the kid cockblock all romance in the movie for a full 2 hours until there is one kiss at the end, and the person that doesn’t have a kid (usually the guy) has to impress the kid and then probably adopt it. It’s not worth the fuss…if there are kids in the descrip, move on to the next.

WATCH:

Snow Bride (2013)

Although this movie has no one famous in it, it was good enough for me to DVR and then force my parents to leave it on the DVR until I moved and they deleted it without a care in the world.

Plot- Greta, a reporter for a gossip magazine (do you see why I was hooked from the start?) has to get the juice on classy, famous family the Tannenhills that are always in the tabs, when she finds a way to pose as one of the son’s girlfriends, she spends Christmas with the fam and has to choose between exposing all their secrets to stomp her way to the top of her career or can you guess it…follow her heart.

Bonus Points-A good ole fashioned thirsty gold digger dates both Tannenhill brothers and tries to weasel her way into the family and it makes for some quality side story.

Rating- 5 candy canes

A Bride For Christmas (2012) Arielle Kebbel, Andrew W. Walker

Plot-Within 10 minutes we already know this one is a keeper because it starts with men making a bet over a girl like EVERY 90’s movie and buckle up because this obviously will not blow up in their face at any point during the next 2 hours. Aiden (such a typical hot guy name) is our cocky frat bro character, who happens to look like an Abercrombie model and makes a bet with his equally as dimwitted coworkers/poker buddies that he can get engaged by Christmas. If he fails, he has to work in a cubicle (THE HORROR), also his dum dum buddies get to pick the girl. His bro, Matt hits on Jessie at an art show, she turns him down and clearly has baggage, so Matt presents her as the prize to propose to and obviously Aiden says yes please. Aiden approaches Jessie and dribbles out “You would be the envy of every girl in this room if you wore kicks with that dress.” Aaand it was love at first pickup line. Jessie happens to love burgers, horror flicks and dogs…cause she’s the cool chick, duh. What happens next? Guess you’ll have to watch and find out (if you have a brain you absolutely know what happens next)

Best Quote- “There’s a lot of people you can live with, there’s only one you can’t live without.”-Dad…what a guy, a modern poet if you will.

Bonus Points- Abercrombie interacting with puppies, literally the only two things women love most.

Rating: 4 candy canes

Christmas with Holly (2012) Sean Faris

Before getting too invested in this one I referred to my sister who has seen more made for TV movies than me and her advice for me was very distinct:”Neg. Sean Faris has long hair.” This was very sound advice, because Sean Faris was real woof looking in this movie…but it was slim pickins’, so I got sucked in. The good news is that it ended up making the watch list.

Plot- The reason why this movie is the exception to the kids rule is that the little girl in this movie, Holly doesn’t talk. She had just lost her mom and her Uncle Mark was given custody of her but she was so distressed from losing her mom that she didn’t speak for most of the movie. And boy was it peaceful. She didn’t butt in or try to steal the attention, she was a quiet part of the storyline and it was really the best case scenario here. Mark moves Holly back to his hometown and they move in with her two other uncles for some family bonding and obviously love interest times with the newbie, Maggie, who opened a toy store in town. All kids should play the quiet game during the holidays…

Bonus Points- Maggie Irish step dances as a way of flirting and step dances right off the curb. This is absolutely something I would do except it would be 1000x less graceful.

Rating: 2 candy canes

A Royal Christmas (2014) Lacey Chabert, Jane Seymour

Literally didn’t even see this whole movie and already knew by half of it that it was a keeper. First of all it has Hallmark/Lifetime vet Lacey Chabert, and they never put an ugly guy with her. Sure it was the poor man’s version of the Prince and Me but did it stop me from eating that shit up? No, no it didn’t.

Plot- Emily is dating Leo in Philly and then suddenly she finds out he is a prince, because naturally when you’re dating someone this information just doesn’t come up in conversation. They go back to his castle and obv the Queen hates Emily because she’s a trashy seamstress from Philly and not a royal. So the Queen sets out to get her the F out of her country and Emily just wants to teach the maids how to make a good ole fashioned hoagie. Power struggle.

Bonus Points- There’s obviously a scene where the Queen makes Emily wear a hideous dress to the fancy ball and she turns it into a slutty tight dress that she looks like a knockout in, modern day Cinderella.

Rating: 3 candy canes

Let It Snow (2013) Candace Cameron Bure, Alan Thicke

By this cast of characters you see that they’ve got some real Hallmark gems leading the movie here. DJ from Full House debuts a new Christmas movie every year and this one was a banger. The guy is super hot and it allows me to look past how queer Candace is throughout this whole movie.

Plot- Stephanie works for her dad as chief of marketing for all the resorts that he manages. He sends her to a property they’re planning on updating/destroying and it happens to be a family-owned lodge in the woods that has a lot of character and goes all out for Christmas each year. Stephanie hates the cold and hates Christmas because she’s a bitter bitch whose dad worked instead of kicking it with her during holidays and then suddenly the family who owns the lodge warms her icy heart and makes her see the magic of Christmas and their hot son Brady gets all up in that and they decide they love snow and Christmas after all. Will Steph-dawg be able to save this magical lodge from her money grubber asshole dad?

Bonus Points- Once Steph realizes she loves Christmas she writes a letter to Santa and wakes up Christmas morning with candy in her sensible flats and does an extremely embarrassing dance around her room and shouts like a 12 year old, it’s pretty cringeworthy and also awesome. Also she puts her flats on with her pjs and socks. No, girl.

Rating: 3 candy canes

Holiday High School Reunion (2012) Lifetime-Jonathan Bennett, Harry Hamlin

Plot- This movie has Aaron Samuels in it, what more do you need to know? Ok, fine, Georgia and Ben were besties in high school and it’s clear that Georgia has friend zoned Ben for an excruciating amount of years because she was always trying to be in the cool crowd and bang the football players. Their high school reunion around Christmas time is when it all goes down. Georgia finds out that half of her besties from high school are actually huge betches and they hate her, and her football boyf has penetrated everyone in the school and she’s quirky and doesn’t fit in with them/her career is a hot mess (whose isn’t amirite?) and at this point Ben has had blue balls for 10 years.

Bonus Points- Georgia takes over the dance team’s holiday performance at the reunion and makes a mockery of it like a real goober. I love a good quality dance scene.

Rating: 3 candy canes

Matchmaker Santa (2012) Lacey Chabert, Florence Henderson, John Ratzenberger

What did I tell you about Lacey? Gold. Every time.

Plot- Melanie wished for prince charming when she was a kid (the outcome of this movie gives me hope, guys) and as an adult she owns a bakery and is dating a hottie biz man who invites her home for the holidays to meet his mom. Plans go awry and Melanie gets stranded in a random town with her boyfriend’s assistant/friend Dean and it seems that the mechanic fixing their car is an elf or somehow connected to Santa. Elf and Santa obviously start pulling some strings, as they’re known to do, and try to get Dean and Melanie to bone because they’re perfect for each other…and everyone knows don’t F with Santa’s wishes.

Bonus Points- Always the feel good network, they never want one person in a movie to be dumped without cause, so they find a match for whoever’s left out in the cold. So kosher and lame sauce, but leads to a nice awkward end scene where the new couples hang and ignore the fact that they’ve traded partners without a care in the world.

Rating: 3 candy canes

12 Men of Christmas (2009) Lifetime-Kristin Chenoweth, Josh Hopkins

This movie is so great that my sister has it on DVD. True story, really committed to this one.

Plot- A NYC publicist, EJ catches her fiance banging her boss at the Christmas party and therefore quits and is single during the holidays…sob…then she takes a job in Montana just for shits promoting a charity and decides to take a risque turn and publicize the charity via a nearly nude calendar of the male volunteers in town. She’s photographing a bunch of men modeling shirtless, so which one does she snag? The hot one…duh.

Bonus Points- I’m gonna go with all the shirtless attractive men.

Rating: 5 candy canes

SKIP:

Christmas on the Bayou (2013) Lifetime-Hilarie Burton, Tyler Hilton

All my OTH superfans will understand exactly why I subjected myself to this movie even though the plot looked real stupid…also there was a kid, which I realized AFTER I had already committed to watching. I think we all know where this is going…

Plot- Katherine is a single mom who works way too much in NYC and her son, Zack is a weirdo who gets bullied and usually has his face in a gameboy (or whatever today’s equivalent is). They take a trip back to Katherine’s hometown to stay with her mom and celebrate Christmas and in very “Sweet Home Alabama” style but without good writing or actors, Katherine remembers what she loved about the south and reconnects with childhood crush Caleb. Zack makes a little girl friend next door and then also casually becomes bros with Santa Claus (Papa Noel) himself. Everything is swell on the bayou…except for the gators.

Weird Deets- They make up their completely own Christmas traditions in the south apparently, Santa is called Papa Noel and gets pulled along the bayou by gators instead of reindeer, cause there’s no snow, or like everyone there is a hick or something.

Rating: 1 candy cane

Holidaze (2013) ABC Family-Jennie Garth, Cameron Mathison

I love my girl Jennie Garth but this movie was an abomination. Even Cameron, champion of Christmas love interests couldn’t save this train wreck.

Plot- Melody is a bitchy workaholic and goes home for the holidays, falls down a flight of stairs and wakes up in an alternate reality, as most of us do, where she married childhood sweetheart, Carter. Melody is a real twat and should probably be thankful that she’s tricked Carter into marrying her, alternate universe or not, but it’s pretty insufferable. Obviously in the spirit of the holidays she stops being the worst but there’s really no turning back with this mash-up of bad acting and turning down a perfectly good six pack for a job.

Rating: 1/2 candy cane (can’t do half…I made it smaller. So there.)

In My Dreams (2014) Katharine McPhee, Mike Vogel

This might not count because it technically premiered after the holidays last year but they made a huge deal about it and it was featured on a major network. My mom and I were supes excited to watch it. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that they will never play this movie again because it was embarrassingly bad. In the event that they do, here is your warning to never watch it unless you’re inclined to turn it into a drinking game (drink every time they sleep.)

Plot- Natalie and Nick have shitty love lives so they throw a coin in a fountain to wish for someone and they don’t know it but OBVIOUSLY the fountain is magical and matches people up. However, the catch is that they only meet and see each other in their dreams and they have a certain amount of time to meet in real life or else they’re cursed forever. Suuuuper realistic obviously…will they meet in time or only have a sleep relationship? Spoiler alert they’ll obviously end up together, IRL.

Weird Deets- What made this movie absolutely wooftastic is that these two goons would put off real life plans to sleep, because they were dating each other in THEIR DREAMS. Like they would go to bed at 7pm and Natalie would put on her nicest nightgown and do her hair and makeup for her dream sequence of a date. I can get down with a LOT of stupid story lines as you can see from this list, but this was preposterous. I won’t stand for it, ABC.

Rating: 0 candy canes, no redeeming qualities.

Finding Christmas (2013) J.T. Hodges (country singer)

Plot- The ole’ I’m bored with my city so I’m going to go online and find someone who is willing to do a city/home swap with me for a change of scenery that always ends in a relationship. Sean is a big-wig advertising guy in NYC trades places with Owen, a small town handyman/musician and obviously it goes exactly how you would expect it to. My problem with this movie is that they forcefully incorporated singing and also one of the guys we’re supposed to believe is falling in love with a girl has me completely convinced that he’s actually gay. Tough sell on this one.

Weird Deets- There’s a kid. Yuck. And terrible christmas songs coming from a professional country singer.

Rating: 1/2 candy cane

Holly’s Holiday (2012) Lifetime-Literally No One Famous

Plot- A NYC ad exec, Holly, passes by an elaborate window display every day with the “perfect man” in it and essentially has a crush on an inanimate object and wishes it were real. Well don’t ya know she slips on ice in front of the store window and he comes to life and they start dating, because that’s how we find true love, ladies. Once she’s dating her perfect man she realizes that he’s creepy and too much at once so catch 22 maybe Holly should date real humans.

Weird Deets- Everything about this movie is weird, she’s dating a G-D mannequin.

Rating: ½ candy cane

The Real St. Nick (2012) Lifetime Torey DeVitto (Nanny Carrie from OTH)

Nanny Carrie and a hot guy? Sign me up. Just kidding this movie blows.

Plot- Hot guy Nick saves Kate, a psychiatrist from an accident but Nick hits his head and thinks he’s Santa Claus. YOU’RE TOO HOT AND YOUNG TO BE SANTA CLAUS. Also there’s kids…lots of them, because Santa/Nick is committed to a hospital where they can evaluate his brain.

Weird Deets- This was a real review on IMDB: “This is not a movie you would like to see or admit you watched. The story was lame and the acting was worse.” BRAVO.

Rating: 1 candy cane (hey the guy was real cute)

I can only hope that this guide will be like the north star, guiding your sleigh through all cheesy holiday movie endeavors. Feel free to comment below if I’ve missed any major flicks.

Country, JUice, Music, Pop Culture, Television

Weekly JUice

1. Jimmy Fallon and wife Nancy welcome their second daughter. Surprise! Since their first daughter Winnie is adorbsies (a rare thing you’ll hear me say), I have high hopes for baby #2 except for the fact that they named her Frances Cole. Frances.Fallon. WHYYY?! I look forward to cute pics of the two girls dressed up in something fluffy and posing with Gary, the lovable Fallon pup. I act like Jimmy and I are best friends because I watch the Tonight Show…doesn’t everyone? Next up: fingers crossed for another JT appearance. It’s been almost a year and its unnacceptable. (that was completely unrelated to Jimmy having another baby, but it needed to be said.)

2. Jake Owen cut his signature long locks. Famous for bro country songs like Barefoot Blue Jean Night, Beachin, and Days of Gold, Jake is the epitome of surfer brah. Welp he no longer looks the part. He buzzed…and I’m not saying I supported his long hair wholeheartedly, but I grew to love that mom haircut of his and now I just don’t know what to think. I need a good front angle pic STAT to decide.

3. Blake Lively stepped out again on the red carpet with FLAWLESS maternity fashion. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that Blake is the hottest pregnant woman alive, just nailing it lately. (That statement is only sorta biased, everyone knows Blake is my #1 girl crush) This week she sported this tight black backless gown:

Let’s not forget the yellow gown from about a month ago:

BAM. Lotta pressure for this baby to be the most beautiful creature on this earth.

4. Jana Kramer (formerly of One Tree Hill as Alex Dupre) now known for the woman who gets engaged every few months. You guessed it! Jana is engaged again, for the 4th time! Michael Caussin, NFL tight end (free agent) proposed a few days ago on Jana’s 31st birthday. They’ve been dating since August. If you’d like a brief recap, Jana was married in 2004 (divorced several months later), then again in 2009 to the actor famously known for the “I quit” scene in That Thing You Do (divorced 1 month later), most recently Jana was engaged to Brantley Gilbert, the trashiest of country singers, usually seen on red carpets wearing a bejeweled cross tee and black hat covering his eyes. They didn’t make it to the altar and broke off the engagement several months later. And here we are. Jana released her first single in a while over the summer that she has hashtagged to death called Love in which she sings “I still believe in wedding rings and bibles, I still believe the best walk you’ll ever take is walking down the aisle.” Well, girl would know…she’s an expert by now! (This may seem like a low blow but try following someone on social media who posts her own lyrics from one song for 6 months straight and then you might understand.)

5. Aaron Carter continues to prove that he’s still obsessed with Hilary Duff and would like a second shot now that she’s single and he’s a washed up teen singer looking for a comeback and touring the country at 10 bucks a ticket. In the event that you weren’t a Disney tween like myself, Aaron Carter and Hilary Duff dated on and off from 2001-2003 until Lindsay Lohan got in the mix and Hil was like SEE YA. You’re better than that, Hil, good call. When Hil separated from her NFL hubbie Mike Comrie last year, Aaron tweeted his support with some not so subtle hints that she’s the love of his life and he’s gonna get her back. YIKES bro let it go. Well he hasn’t. He instagrammed this photo this week showing him pining over his teenage love by watching their teenage cheesy Christmas movie. Here’s hoping that Double A moves on soon and uses 2015 to pen some more jams like “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” and “That’s How I Beat Shaq”. BOOM. BOOM. I put it in the hoop like SLAM. SLAM.

The comments are lawlworthy

Ah young love.

And just to get you revved for the weekend:

You’re welcome.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Two Sides to Every Story”

I hope that everyone had a nice break from Nashville and had some time to reflect on why we still watch this show. Yet here we are coming back for more in hopes of a new song to cancel out a full scene of Juliette riding a handicapped scooter with a scarf covering her face. I’m pleased to announce that this week we got one. We finally got a quality song! But more on that later…Let’s begin with our side piece this week that may soon grow into a character with an interesting story line…Sadie Stone. The writers realized that throwing in a dumb text from an ex was not the story we deserved from Sadie and decided instead to enter her into the bang triangle of Avery and Gunnar, like many (every single) a Nashville beauty before. It’s perfect timing really, Zoey has just exited, Gunnar is looking for some rebound lovin (and a mom for his kid…who unfortunately is still around). Avery is still doing the do-si-do with deciding if he’s gong to re-up with Juliette and let’s be real, she’s only getting bigger and crazier by the minute. Sadie sits down to co-write with Gunnar and he tries to lay it on thick for her, we all know Gunnar does his best flirting while song writing, but instead of ending in a hookup it ends in Sadie offering for her manager to show up to one of Gunnar’s band’s (that is currently dunzo) gigs so long as Gunnar can find a producer for Sadie’s record. And just like that, Avery is entered into the mix, meeting with Sadie at the band’s gig and trying to charm is way into her pants—sorry—recording studio.

Since all of the young’ns on Nashville are tied because they’ve all porked each other at some point, crazypants Juliette gets involved because she overheard all this going down and was like hey this is around the time when I can blame everything I do on pregnancy hormones. She grabs that wet blanket of an assistant/friend and starts tailing Avery to see if he’s moving on. Of course, we all remember too vividly that this is when the aforementioned motorized scooter slapstick comedy of Juliette wearing a scarf on her head and taking down a tent at the music festival occurs. Avery catches her spying because WHO WOULDN’T SPOT HER?! It’s like looking for the Loch-ness Monster on land. They have a little conflict where Avery pulls the “I’m trying to provide for our child and you blew it!” card, shaming Juliette into sitting down with Sadie and selling Avery for the producer job. Juliette promises not to be a jelly belly (can we get that in writing?), Sadie agrees, and we take another step forward with Juliette and Avery getting back together. Except now we have Sadie who will be working with Avery closely on her album…hmmm….

At the same music festival where gangster Juliette was joy riding at speeds of 1 mph, Layla and Will decide to attend wearing “disguises”. Layla declares at the beginning of the episode, “I’m tired of us.” Me too, Layla, me too…you walked right into that one really. Apparently her and I have different solutions for how to not be tired of them–I would assume that means they leave the show, they decided instead to wear hipster beanies and sunglasses to the music festival deeming them TOTALLY anonymous. This will go great until Will inevitably looks for a penetration buddy…and it took just about no time for that to occur. Will sees that a bartender is gay and turns into an after school special asking him what it’s like to be gay. Obviously a confused and closeted Will sees this as flirting and then gets sloppy drunk and tries to kiss the bartender later, ending in some dramatics and oh wait he’s still in the closet and we’ve seen the same story line with him for 2 seasons now. Our other half of the reality couple has decided to play kumbaya on the floor of a tent without the sunglasses, but no one recognizes her so it’s, okay…except of course for Jeff Fordham who is surprised that she’s good! It’s okay Jeff, pretty much everyone is. Jeff starts being nice to Layla and I think I speak for everyone when I say there’s absolutely a catch here, we just don’t know what it is yet. The fact that we don’t know is reason enough to celebrate because we’ve finally gotten an unpredictable story line, predictable in the sense that we know Jeff will screw Layla over, unpredictable in that we don’t know how. He continues to slobber all over her with that slimy snake grin of his, even playing the guitar for her, no singing though. Tease. Obviously Layla falls for this hook, line and sinker, mostly because she’s having a conversation with someone who hasn’t brought up how dumb she is once, so she sleeps with him of course.

While Layla is convinced that the grimiest guy in the music biz has changed, Zoey is still trying to claw her way to a record deal or any sort of recognition for anything that she does….she’d settle for just a purpose for being on this show. Gunnar puts the band back together to impress Sadie’s manager, who tells them they could be the next Lady A and Zoey hears this and you can actually see her start to drool. While she’s planning the fame, money and touring in her mind, she realizes that Gunnar isn’t as into it and he confesses he put the band back together so that he can trick her into being stepmommy Zoey again. Yikes. Zoey storms off and declares to Scarlett that she’s no longer wanted here (HOW DID IT TAKE THIS LONG FOR HER TO REALIZE?!)

Scarlett is pretty preoccupied because she has become homeless Terry’s manager, essentially, although she acts like more of a stage mom. She books a performance for him and then forces him into interviews and when he gets onstage we all wait for his breakdown, and boy does he deliver. Although it’s no Scarlett 2.0 cowering under a piano and screeching, it’s still weird. Terry runs through the crowd covering his face and hits the streets again, brown baggin it with his fellow homeless squad. Scarlett goes after him and he basically tells her everything we’ve all been thinking. Stop being a pussy bitch and get back on the stage to perform again. Fired up from Terry’s boozey words, and also realizing that Zoey peaced on the band, Scarlett slinks her way right in and Gunnar, Scarlett and Avery perform the song of the night! Besides the cheesetastic pans to Micah in the crowd singing along to his dad’s songs, this performance is the stuff. They ARE the next Lady A singing a song called “Borrow My Heart”, the crowd’s into it, and I couldn’t wait to see Zoey’s reaction. You’ve officially been erased from Nashville, gurl, baiiiiiii. The manager calls Gunnar after this sasstastic performance and twists the knife deeper saying that the band is even better with Scarlett. Oooh Burn. Zing. Zoey. Gunnar turns down the manager’s offer for that stupid kid who will now ruin the rest of his music career forever. Whatever, I got a taste of a good song and now all we can hope for is a Scarlett/Gunnar song in the near future now that Zoey is outta here. Good riddance.

And finally, separate from the music festival that everyone who’s anyone is at (we separate the olds from the youngs this week), it’s Christmas special time at Rayna’s (while Deacon sits in his house listening to Alanis Morisette with the lights out.) Hollywood has taken over Rayna’s house with their over the top Christmas decorations because girl will literally do anything for press now. The Rolling Stone mag comes out and Rayna puts on a show pretending that she didn’t say things the way they printed it, hey Rayna cut the shit, we all saw you sell your sexy Deacon story to cover up the mess of incest that is occurring with your sullen teenage daughter. She tries to catch Deacon before he gets his eyes on that tell-all but whoops too late, Deacon’s already read it 10 times and stained the pages with his tears and he’s avoiding her calls. Luke’s like hey Rayna why are you so obsessed with Deacon and this story and also would you like to shower with me? Rayna says a hard no. And we’re all like, hey Luke, it’s about time you clue in that you’re wedding will not ever actually happen and Rayna would rather have sex with Deacon. Rayna finally gets a chance to go to Deacon’s house and talk to him, giving us all false hope that she’ll slide right back into his arms but instead he declares his undying love for her and she tells him to move on because she CLEARLY has. Oh, have you, Rayna? Meanwhile, she complains the whole episode about how the cameras are always around and her family traditions are ruined and Luke reminds her that she did all this greedy shit to get more famous….Catch 22. #celebrityproblems. That pretty much sums up our time with Rayna/Deacon/Luke this week. Oh yeah, and Deacon tears a sticker of Rayna off his guitar case. It’s like ripping a band aid off–he’s over her now. Just kidding, he’s still obsessed with her and wanted to be dramats.

Random Highlights:

-Lexi, the PA, asking Rayna for an autograph and also assuring that she never works in Hollywood again. Props to Rayna for doing exactly what any celeb would do in that situation though, “what’s your name again?”

-Rayna wears a stupid lacey pirate shirt for far longer than my eyes can handle in this episode.

-Scarlett is probably the ugliest cryer on this earth. Her crying is uglier than Kim Kardashian and that says everything.

-Ruke/Layna compare themselves to Johnny and June and then do a hideously awkward and cringeworthy rendition of Baby It’s Cold Outside with a slew of pre-song banter that gave me all the uncomfies. I’ve never wanted to unsee or unhear something any harder. But Happy Holidays, Ya’ll!

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Pay Attention to Me!”

I missed the first 20 mins of last night’s episode, but I can ALMOST guarantee that I missed everyone (the couples) going to a dinner together and chatting about how they found their hubbies, Kyle reveals she was engaged to an old geezer when she met Mauricio, Rinna saying she snatched Harry post-Nicolette Sheridan dumping, Lisa probably saying something catty. Portia trying on bikinis and demanding designer duds that Mauricio didn’t skip a beat to purchase for her, and Yolanda and her daughter Bella talking about nail polish. Was I close? Please feel free to let me know in the comments below if I left anything out.

We get to see some sisterly interaction in last night’s episode, which does nothing to warm my heart but is entertaining to say the least. Kim’s daughter Brooke is getting married and all the sisters Richards gather for wedding dress shopping. Kyle suggests that Kim try on a few dresses as a gag before being told that it’s Brooke’s day…oh yeah, Kyle agrees and slinks away to steal the attention from someone else. Suddenly everyone is silenced at the arrival of Kathy Hilton, who struts in oozing fame and fortune. Kyle and Kim cower in the corner as Kathy immediately barks out that the dress Brooke has on is hideous and to take it off immediately. I’m so gleefully thankful that every season they max out the budget for one episode to pay Kathy Hilton to make an appearance. It’s worth it every time. I’m floored that they don’t make any mention of Paris or Nicky for extra thirsty ratings like they usually do. Things take a heavier turn when Kim talks about her first husband, Brooke’s dad, who has several types of cancer currently and is living with Kim. Her sisters act like this is the first time they’ve heard of this, so we’re all convinced that they’re super close. Lots of tears from Kim and then Kyle says something condescending about how she always thinks of Kim as fragile but is shocked to see she’s actually strong sometimes. The backhanded compliments for Kim are never-ending and always appreciated. And that concludes our sisters Richards reunion for this season. It was everything I had hoped and dreamed.

We get to watch Yolanda dye her hair a gleaming shade of white, and talk about her impending vacation/trip home to Holland to take care of her mother who has uterine cancer. Real heavy episode, lots of tears and I’m not into it. Although if we’re being honest when Yolanda goes on and on about how important family is and then goes back and forth between talking about being on yachts in bikinis and going to take care of her ailing mother, I’m a little fuzzy on the deets of why she is actually traveling there. Then she kicks it with her maid Blanca because apparently we’ve now signed up to watch Real Maids of Beverly Hills after a third week in a row of a maid story line…I’m guessing they’ve become an integral part of this show just to prove that the housewives give them ample vacation days and treat them well? In our bonus scene this week Yolanda shares with us candidly that she ALSO always flies private. How about this, let’s go ahead and assume that everyone in this cast flies private except for Brandi, k, Bravo? That way we can avoid any further scenes about the details of their private jets. Yo sleeping on a California king, smothered in silk sheets on an airplane was pretty hilarious though.

FINALLY Eileen has arrived. Was it worth the three-episode wait? Nope. Rinna and Eileen gather for lunch and apparently have known each other since the 80’s because soap operas. They show a cheesy Days of Our Lives clip from forever ago where feathered hair was okay and they both had their original faces. Rinna compliments Eileen on getting an Emmy and Eileen humble brags about how she can’t keep track of where her Emmy actually is right now. Eileen does some contrived performance in her talking head segment about how actresses get a bad rep for wanting all the attention but she doesn’t? Or something…The amount of times that each utter some cliché that they haven’t seen each other in forever means that they were brought together just for this show. Do better at hiding the staging, producers. Geeze.

Brandi is wearing a winter hat in California in the summer and picks up Kyle to go hiking. We are treated to some flashbacks to drunk Brandi days-YAASSSSS. This week’s installment of “I’m a whale who will never be able to wear a bikini” is brought to you by Kyle and Brandi exercising and seeing who can out-fat each other. They talk about Lisa, and Kyle makes a lot of faces. Brandi decides to call her on speakerphone mean girls style and this will OBVIOUSLY go well. Lisa pretends she doesn’t have caller ID on her probably brand new iphone and acts the most surprised to hear that it’s Brandi. Brandi plays it casj cool and is all, “hey you coming to my house warming party before I inevitably move again?” Lisa demands an apology, obviously…and I reeeally hate to do it but I have to actually side with her on this one because Brandi isn’t really approaching this in a fab or mature way. Brandi continues to have a who gives a fahk attitude and tells Lisa “If you want to be friends, fine, but I’m not going to kiss your ass.” Divine intervention causes Brandi’s phone to die at this exact moment. Or did Lisa MAKE her phone die? We’ll never know…but Brandi makes an even dumber decision to snatch up Kyle’s phone and call her back to clear the air. This obviously opens up a whole other conflict and Lisa’s like hey screw you guys I’m having a lovely afternoon with my husband while he’s still able to walk and talk and I’m over this shit. Brandi clears it up that she didn’t actually hang up though…soo we good? No we’re not. The conversation ends with an “I hope to see you?” “Okay?” and it’s the most confusing resolution to a convo BUT leaves the window open to further continue to drag this stupid fight on for the rest of the season.

Random Highlights:

-All the cringes in the world every time we see Lisa as a talking head wearing an off the shoulder, emerald green, shiny ball gown that is basically showing her nipples. That’s SOMEBODY’S MOTHER.

-The ice queen’s ringtone is classical music. I can’t decide if this is fitting or a curveball.

-Rinna with the quote of the night, “I get high off of everything”. PLEASE make an episode where Rinna, Brandi and Kim eat pot brownies, Andy.

Pop Culture, Television

Laguna Beach Reunion

This past weekend was the Laguna High School 10 year reunion, so in honor of TEN YEARS (shit. I feel old. I assume they do too…) I made the executive decision to dedicate a whole post to the show and the people that we knew everything about and then suddenly never heard from again. Where are they now, you ask? For half of them…their only claim to fame was spring breaking in Mexico and getting a weekly mani/pedi to prep for the Friday night bonfire on the beach. Why not reminisce on those special moments with a breakdown of our favorite faces of Laguna. (Season 1-2 strictly…season 3 was an abomination to TV)

Morgan Olsen

Most Cringeworthy Moment: When she babbled on and on about how much she couldn’t wait to get the F out of Laguna and be an independent woman who was 1000x better than all those bimbos and rich whores who stay in Laguna forever and then only applied to one college (because it was her first choice) and was promptly rejected from said college. Could we have all glossed over it if she applied to other schools or maybe not opened her letter on camera? Yeah probably. But the fact that she ripped the whole town of Laguna to shreds and then had to insert her tail between her legs when she stayed there for an extra year made it her most memorable and cringeworthy moment in the ‘gune.

Most Noble Moment: When she goes to NYC with Christina and listens to her god awful singing voice and tells her she’s great. That was seriously admirable. What a great friend.

Today: She finally went to BYU, second time’s a charm, got married in 2010 and started cranking out babies right away. She was prob suuper excited to start banging once she was married. She runs a lifestyle blog (http://www.smithhereblog.com) with her hubs now.

Christina Schuller

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Briefly mentioned already but hands down has to be her audition for Rent/Wicked in NYC that she received as a birthday present from her parents. She was a raging bitch of nerves before she auditioned shutting Morgan down when she asked what she would do if she became a broadway star. We all learned why she was so nervous REAL quick. She went into the audition room and sang “Only Hope” by Mandy Moore via A Walk to Remember. The song choice was hilarious in itself because she plucked it from a Nicholas Sparks teen movie but the sounds that came out of her were even funnier. Props to whoever edited this scene and kept cutting to Morgan in the waiting room with a look of discomfort as well as the judge of the audition who was clearly entertaining this only for the cameras. The judge immediately shut her down and told her to keep working at it and to never bore her with a song that long again (I may be paraphrasing here) and Christina scampered out and never spoke of this incident again. Too bad it’s forever on DVD for me to watch and lawl at.

Most Noble Moment: When she big times LC and Lo, has her 18^th birthday party without them and still stands her ground even when she gets caught red-handed. It’s seriously baffling that Morgan and Christina are at all considered a part of the “cool group” in Laguna because they were a bunch of snoozy virgins who sang in church for story lines. It was clear that they weren’t cool early on and MTV started to phase them out, so apologies for having their notable moments from the same two episodes but it was really for the best that they appeared sparsely. Anyway, actual cool girls LC and Lo called Christina out for the non-invite and they had a bitch-off in the nail salon and it was super fake and uncomfy but I give her credit for holding her own here. Honorable mention: Gracefully opening her graduation gift and seeing that her parents got her a bible while everyone else got new cars, sound systems and laptops. She got to show off her Broadway chops acting like this present was gr8.

Today: Christina got married in 2011, also had a son 2 weeks apart from Morgan having one because they’re still BFFS who do everything together and runs a fitness website (http://www.beachbabefitness.com) where she can be seen giving workout tips like the one pictured below (downward facing baby?). The two Melvins have the exact same life naturally.

Talan Torriero

Most Cringeworthy Moment: When Lo & LC call him up to invite themselves over to his hot tub and he tells them how cool and chill they are and then asks them to give him some advice on how to get girls to like him. Cut the corny shit Talan, even Lo knew it was an act, keep getting bitches into your hot tub and you’ll be just fine/ Season 2 when he actually says “I compare you to other girls, but there’s no comparison…wow that’s like a line from a movie or something”. Yeah it is Talan, stop ripping off cheesy rom-coms to make Taylor or Kristin believe that you can’t get tail.

Most Noble Moment: Getting up onstage during the benefit concert and singing with his eyes closed the entire time. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that he probably kept his eyes shut because he didn’t want to see everyone laughing at him.

Today: Talan just got married this year so his playboy days are over and he works as a creative director for TMG Digital. Guess he gave up that acting thing…although he did try to date celebs for a while.

Trey Phillips

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Getting in a fight with an aggressive midget at the Blink 182 concert./When he would get preachy (mostly in the graduation video with badass nose ring film girl) about how the youth need to take care of their planet. It was great that he cared about something other than bejeweled trucker hats, but at the same time, read the room, Trey, you’re surrounded by people who think the show The OC was written about them. Thank God he got the F up outta there.

Most Noble Moment: Let’s be honest, pretty much everything that Trey did was noble. Founding AYA (Active Young America), organizing fashion shows and coffeehouses all for good causes? It’s everything that we loved about Trey Trey. While everyone else was worried about the drama, Trey was just running a fashion show for people who lost their homes in a landslide, no biggie. Honorable mention: his prom ask was by far the best out of all the creepy prom asks. Tea lights that spelled out Prom–Sound cheesy? Yeah..but let’s remember his competition was a big ass banner from Dieter, creepy stalker notes from Stephen and a guy named Gary putting an inconvenient amount of goldfish in Morgan’s room.

Today: After ‘Guna, Trey attended Parsons School of Design, started a non-profit “City Love” where people are encouraged to paint murals of what they love about their city, and is an associate designer for Vera Wang. He travels a lot and does cool shit and most importantly still finds time to bro out with Dieter, Stephen and LC.

Dieter Schmitz

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Ummmm I’m gonna go with his ENTIRE relationship with Jessica. How Jessica snagged a guy this good will always be beyond me, but all of their interactions were weird and I’m thankful he kicked her to the curb. Also there were some specific times (season 1) where his eyebrows were basically waxed into oblivion and that was pretty cringeworthy.

Most Noble Moment: Season 2, at the fashion show benefit when Jessica and Jason start macking and LC catches them, Dieter coming to the rescue was the cutest thing on this earth. He comforts his friend, tells her to pull her shit together and then goes after Jason with a calm but calculated, “You’re my bro, so straight up, did you kiss Jessica, bro?” Dieter proved to be the MVP of guy friends in that episode and it warmed my icy heart.

Today: Dieter is now engaged to a cutie, who hopefully has no similar qualities to Ms. Jessica and manages a fancy hotel. He lives on the east coast and therefore has more play times with Trey who also still lives around NYC. (And Polster, the party enthusiast)

Alex Hooser

Most Cringeworthy Moment: The fact that she was always second fiddle to Kristin and Jessica and basically was on the show just to ask them questions about their relationships and give them good advice that they all promptly ignored./ When she said, “I feel like being a senior you just mature so much more. Like drama and gossip don’t matter as much.” Oh you dooooo, Alex?

Most Noble Moment: Every single time she called Jessica a dumbass. It was perfection. Also when she basically did nothing to defend Jessica in Cabo during the “SAY YOU’RE A SLUT” incident (see Alex M. for full descrip)

Today: She lives in Hawaii, is a realtor and basically continues to stay private and low key probably still recovering from all those years of being Kristin’s bitch.

Taylor Cole

Most Cringeworthy Moment: This award mostly goes to her mom but when she’s getting ready for her first date with Talan and her mom comes charging in, gives her outfit advice and asks if she thinks Talan will kiss her. Stop trying to be the cool mom, Mrs. Cole.

Most Noble Moment: Taylor pretty much slinked away from the drama, mostly because the drama IS Kristin and Kristin hated her stinkin’ guts. Basically her only story line was with Talan two-timing her and she was a meek little baby mouse throughout all of that, so she OBVIOUSLY didn’t belong on this show.

Today: Taylor went to school in Arizona and is now the director of sales and marketing at TLC&You, a company that sells travel-ware to the first class flyers of Laguna (eye roll) that she started with her mom.

Alex Murrel

Most Cringeworthy Moment: At the landslide benefit fashion show when her and Talan perform and she sings a 2 minute song of the word hello with her hair aggressively covering her face and jazzy Christina Aguilera hands when she hit the high notes. SHE WAS BORN TO BE A STAR.

Most Noble Moment: In Cabo for spring break when she turns into a completely bad bitch and goes after Jessica forcing her to admit that she’s a slut. It was high school bullying at it’s finest. The drinks were flowing, the music was playing, and a high school senior was yelling out that she’s a slut, so there.

Today: Alex apparently tried the acting thing for a minute and all that resulted in was some weird TMZ drug bust because her bf at the time was a casual drug dealer? So my sources say…Now she works for MOX Agency, a boutique marketing and consulting agency that posts a lot of pictures and quotes on Instagram. She got engaged in Thailand and married about a month ago. Girl looks great and is still besties with Taylor Cole…no singing career though, sad face.

Jessica Smith

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Jessica was absolutely the type of girlfriend who would call her boyfriend and tell him everything she ate that day and then ask him where he was, what he was eating, what he was wearing and what he was thinking about. So when she turned into the dum dum of Laguna who let JWahl repeatedly cheat on her and then whine about it and take him back, she became the most cringeworthy character in Laguna history.

Most Noble Moment: Before the Landslide fashion show when they were all talking about Talan taking the stage and Jess has a look of pure disgust and goes, “Do you think he’d actually be good?” and then says she’s probably going to laugh the whole time he’s singing. All the awards.

Today: Jessica got married (after snagging a DUI..apparently her and Jason still do have things in common) and lives in Southern California with her three kids constantly tweeting and instagramming pictures of them. Puke. That’s not what social media is for, Jessica. On the up side, I found this picture of her toddler with acrylics on, and that put me in a good mood for the rest of the week. She’s obv a great mom. (Pezzed she married a hottie..)

Jason Wahler

Most Cringeworthy Moment: The night him and Cedric crashed poker night at Casey’s and ran around Morgan’s house with masks on and hit the windows. Cool prank guys. Then he tried to spit game at Alex and basically just ended up staring at her a lot. “My name Jason, I try sex with girls.”/When he got hammied at the benefit fashion show (can you tell this was my fave episode of all time?) and told LC “it’s like digusting but I’m obsessed with you.” Swoooon.

Most Noble Moment: His first date with LC in the old timey car his grandparents owned that belongs in a Memorial Day parade was adorable and made us all understand why LC bit it so hard for Jason. He acted like a true gentleman on their date and not like the cig smoking skeeze that he really was. He fooled us all girl, fooled us all.

Today: After dating LC/tormenting The Hills, becoming a real asshole alcoholic, going into rehab, going into celebrity rehab, getting engaged a couple times, Jason is sober now and married. And DAMN it he’s still got it.

Jenn Bunney

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Bunney’s first appearance before she became a legend on The Hills as a backstabbing boyfriend stealer, was epic. Bunney accompanies LC on spring break to Cabo and dribbles her dumb the whole time. She quotes LC for “what happens in Cabo, stays in Cabo” in the Laguna High newspaper. The most shocking part of this is that SHE WORKED FOR THE NEWSPAPER. Bunz was a writer?! Get. Out.

Most Noble Moment: While planning a BBQ pool party at LC’s house, Jenn brings up the topic of guests and so subtly goes who do you want to invite-Jason Wahler? Thank God she encouraged LC to go after Jason and therefore supply us with years of quality television and drama. She also told this dumb joke: “What comes before Part B? Part-A” while planning the party. The life of Jen Bunney is a real struggle.

Today: Married and no doubt an astrophysicist. She attended the 10 year reunion (pictured below) and I can only imagine the dirties that were thrown her way for being the shady person that she is.

Stephen Colletti

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Cabo spring break his senior year was a big cringe-fest. The level of sloppy that he got and the way he was getting in Kristin’s face telling her that she was a gutter slut whore who belonged on the streets was a liiiiiitttle rough. Then he continued his bender and his drunk, limp body fell directly into the arms of LC, who was obviously waiting for this moment all her life./Also, any time he ruffled someone’s hair or gave them a noogie and counted it as flirting.

Most Noble Moment: I mean obviously, surprising LC at the airport in San Fran with that sexy ass white pickup of his. They rode off into the sunset, embarking on their college journey together. (We’re all going to casually forget that this lasted like a month and LC quit like a baby bitch and came running back to Laguna.)

Today: Though many tried the acting thing, Stephen was pretty much the only one who succeeded, landing the coveted role of bar manager on One Tree Hill for several seasons.(After starring in T.Swift’s White Horse music video) He dated two characters at once on OTH and real talk he was playing himself but whatevs cause it was quality TV. He never got too big to hang with his high school bros though and that’s what I love about him.

Kristin Cavallari

Most Cringeworthy Moment: That black choker that wouldn’t go away for all of season 1. Wearing a skankatron white dress to the black and white party. Announcing at the bikini shop that she’s a large top and a small bottom (oh you have boobs?). Her audition for girls gone wild in Cabo. “STEEEEVENNNNN, there’s a bear!!!!” Saying she was so OVER Stephen and then going back to him after she ran out of guys to penetrate her. Getting extensions that looked like she taped the hair in herself. When she kissed Heidi at the benefit fashion show while wearing the most hideous of outfits. I could go on for days. Apparently being the resident “bad girl” also means all the cringes.

Most Noble Moment: Can we really say Kristin was ever noble? We’ll go with ballsiest moment for her. Hmm how about when she got sloppy drunk and started hooking up with Jessica’s new crush, Jeff right in front of her. “Best Friends Forever, Jess, or at least until I hit the Mike’s Hard and fall into your crushes’ lap. Better luck next time-this shit is dunzo!”-is probably how the convo went in the aftermath.

Today: Kristin kept her name in the tabz by taking over The Hills in the later seasons and then marrying Jay Cutler. She designs clothes or shoes or something too but who really cares because she’s spent her whole life trying to shake her massive bitch image that she created and guess what, no one is buying it. People don’t forget. She’s also a mom to two boys, which is terrifying.

Lo Bosworth

Most Cringeworthy Moment: When Lo went on a date while everyone else was in Catalina and it was the most awkward date ever to occur. The guy didn’t pay attention to her, took a phone call mid-dinner, told her she had a big mouth when she asked to split a stick of gum and she for whatever reason called him stinky as a term of endearment. It was super weird and the only time we got to see Lo date. Honorable mention: her date to prom. YIIIIKES.

Most Noble Moment: When her dad told her to help with the groceries and she delivered an aggress eye roll and was presented with a brand new white Jetta./Declaring that every day is a fashion show while deciding what to wear under her gown at graduation. Preach, Lo, you know it./Siding with Mr. Conrad when LC was almost failing out of high school and was like “wah, life sucks this is so unfair” after her dad grounded her. Lo was all, “maybe start pulling B’s, LC.”/ Also calling out LC for her fake Coach/Gucci bag when she was packing for college and calling it a Goachy. Lo was the best friend that everyone should have in their life.

Today: Running a fashion/lifestyle blog (http://thelodown.com/) and judging by her instagram attending culinary school (and really into selfies). Of course she’s still besties with LC (and was in her wedding), those two are ride or die bitches.

Lauren Conrad

Most Cringeworthy Moment: We all know LC is queen, but looking back on Laguna days she still had quite a few woofie moments. Going to the fashion show with Stephen and Trey and declaring that fashion is everything to her and that her makeup and nail polish reflect her moods was a little too deep for someone wearing a cami and flare jeans. Speaking of cringe outfits, she wore a hoodie out in Mexico on her birthday. She still got laid though so, respect. (side note: drunk LC is THE BEST.) Honorable mention: When she seriously said, “Boys are like purses….” and blabbered on about how there’s nice purses that cost too much and there’s purses that embarrass the shit out of you and you don’t want to be seen with and then there’s that comfortable purse you always go back to, and it’s name is Stephen. You’re so wise, LC.

Most Noble Moment: Any time that she had to be around Kristin and Stephen while they were together was suuupes noble. (Specifically, the limo back from prom when she had to watch them sloppy mack on each other)/Catalina, having to camp with the incessant screeching of STEEEEvENNNNN. /Also moving back to Laguna and having to deal with Kristin again with her only ally being dum dum JennBunney./Bitching out Jessica in her most condescending tone “You’re a rude girl. You’re sittin on everyone’s laps–I can’t talk to her it’s like talking to a 2 year old.”/Telling Jason off after he made her look like a moron. GIRL POWER. Oh wait, she dated him again and didn’t go to Paris? I redact. But still…she had many a noble moment.

Today: C’mon. We all know where LC is now.

Entire Series Most Cringeworthy Moment: The fact that these girls had enough money to spend $500 on designer shoes, yet chose to wear Forever 21 club dresses to their proms and formals.

For reals though Laguna molded my teen years. Watching seniors in high school frolic around while I was in 8^th grade was probably pretty detrimental to my life. I obviously thought this show was exactly what high school would be like. It was a tough blow to realize that high school was actually just like middle school except more alcohol in your parent’s basement for the 10 months of winter that Syracuse endured. No beaches, no fancy parties, and no spring breaks. In fact, I admired Laguna so much that I tried to throw a black and white soiree freshman year of high school. It didn’t pan out…mostly because no one’s parents would entertain the idea of a bunch of 13 year olds partying in a hotel room. I wonder why…Anywho, Laguna was great to watch then but it’s EVEN better to watch now. Now that I’m older and soooo much more mature, I can actually tell when they’re clearly intoxicated on the show and also I can turn binge watching into a great drinking game. (The Hills also applies here…possible future post?) If this walk down memory lane inspired you to re-up on the classics, my sources say that MTV still has all episodes available to watch online. Jus Sayin. Feel free to comment your favorite moments below so we can all lawl together.

Music, Playlist

The ULTIMATE Pop Christmas Playlist

It’s now the acceptable time of year when you start jamming to your Christmas playlists even though the stores have been playing them since Halloween. I’m sure everyone has a go-to Christmas jam, and this playlist is just here to enlighten you to the best pop holiday tunes of all time (according to me, obv.) I haven’t changed my Christmas lineup in roughly ever because the 90’s crushed holiday CD’s so please indulge and share in this guilty pleasure with me. For the record, this is not the place to go for Christmas classics, if you’re looking for Bing Crosby please see yourself to another blog.

All I Want For Christmas Is You-Mariah Carey. If your Christmas CD/mixtape/playlist doesn’t always and forever start with this song then you don’t know the real meaning of Christmas. This song IS Christmas. Every year it kicks off the holidays and I would go so far as to say it’s Mariah Carey’s claim to fame. Forget all that other nonsense, this song can only be sung by Mariah Carey and it will always put me in a fabulous holiday mood.
What Christmas Means to Me-Hanson. Some of you may be shocked by this addition, and will be even more shocked when you see that I doubled up on the Hanson. Well guess what? Hanson’s Christmas album was THE SHIT. Those little pre-pubescent boys with flowing, luscious locks knew how to rock some Santa jams. Listen to this and you’ll immediately start clapping by yourself while drinking some adult hot chocolate (trust me, it’ll make you looser for the clapping part).
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays-N*SYNC. If Hanson’s Christmas CD was great, N*SYNC’s was even better. I don’t know what happened between now and the 90’s that made every artist stop doing Christmas CD’s but clearly that’s where the money’s at. This song was made doubly famous by having the song and music video featured in the 90’s Christmas classic, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” starring the one and only JTT alongside Jessica Biel before she married Justin Timberlake or whatever (dream crusher). I wonder if they met while promoting this movie? Did I just break 15 year old celeb news? Probably. Anyway I recommend adding that movie to your holiday binge cycle, head’s up though there’s a little bit of profanity. Jessica Biel calls JTT a butthole and my mom got REAL ticked with my sister and I for watching such inappropriate content. (True story.) PS Gary Coleman in a green shiny raincoat suit in the music video? Yes please.
The Christmas Song-Michael Buble. This actually is a classic, but even though Bubbles is a real classy guy, he’s not in the rat pack or anything so this is a pop modern version as far as I’m concerned. For realz though, Bub’s voice is like butter. He could serenade me foreva.
Jingle Bell Rock-Aly&AJ. Remember these two Disney goons? One of them continued to be in the spotlight and one didn’t. Don’t ever ask me which is which. They look nothing alike but they ARE Aly&AJ and so as one they will forever be ingrained in my memory. As far as Disney beats go, this is actually not as embarrassing as some others I will include for your listening pleasure. Also these two spunksters end the song with “How’s that for a Christmas song?” THE SASS. THE TUDE. Did Mickey approve this?
I Won’t Be Home for Christmas-Blink 182. The obligatory badass anti-Christmas jam. In my rebellious punk-rock days when I forced my sister to take pictures of me wearing a wife beater and a tie with my tongue hanging out, yeah I was real hard, I got into listening to some HARDCORE pop punk like Blink. It was angsty of me to love a Christmas song that was so inapprops, plus how do you not giggle when he sings about someone in jail unwrapping his package? I also added this song to give me more street cred when you inevitably hate me for the 2 radio Disney songs that are coming up.
A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes-Various Disney Teenieboppers. Part of the fun of this cheeeeeesetastic song is trying to figure out which Disney star from our childhood is singing. Hint: one of them can see the future. I don’t even know if this is technically a Christmas song but it was on one of Radio Disney’s Holiday CD’s so boom, it is now. This is one to slow things down and make you reflect on your inner feels.
My Only Wish (this year)-Britney Spears. CLASSIC asking Santa for a boyfriend song. It’s okay Brit, we’ve all been there. Oh, we haven’t? Whatever guys. Santa gets shit done. Also this song is essentially the plot of every Hallmark/Lifetime holiday movie that I will be aggressively recapping and I don’t hate it.
Last Christmas (I Gave You My Heart)-Savage Garden. Threw you a real curveball with this one. Most of you were expecting the classic WHAM! version that started it all. I’m not knocking good ole George Michael but I’m doing my part in this world to make sure everyone knows about Savage Garden and they’re angel voices. Savage Garden’s genre was known as crying music, that probably wasn’t their specific genre but they were the type of band (of beautiful men) that could sing the happiest song and it still sounded depressing. Great sobfest soundtrack. Thank me later. Regardless, they had just the right amount of whimsical to make this remake a hit.
Merry Christmas Baby-Hanson. The snaps and the piano crush it in the intro to this song. I can’t be the only one who listens to it and has to remind herself that these guys were no older than 16 when they recorded this. Yikes. Petition for a comeback Christmas concert from Hanson, sans floor length hair.
Someday At Christmas-B5. This is mostly for laughs but also sneeeakkyyy a jam. Lots of mid-song talking, which always gives me a serious case of the giggles. Why haven’t singers figured out yet that talking amidst singing is just plain silly? Also no idea who B5 is but they are easily all 5 years old. Don’t care, still bop to it. I’m assuming it’s Diddy (because he says “your boy Diddy”) who does the end of the song recap but he gives a nice shout out to all the holidays in the world, cuz whatever you’re down with, it’s all good. Well put, Diddy, well put.
Baby It’s Cold Outside-Jessica Simpson ft. Nick Lachey. Why is this song on here? BECAUSE I WILL NEVER LET GO OF NICK & JESSICA. But actually, a Nick & Jessica duet is a rare gem to be cherished. RIP Newlyweds. Bonus points for the overly fake and obnoxious sleigh bells in the background track.
Kiss Me At Midnight-N*SYNC. What’s that you say? Christmas is over now? Don’t you even fret. N*SYNC doesn’t just pick one holiday to sing about. New Year’s counts too and makes it completely acceptable for holiday music listening to extend a couple weeks more.

Honorable mention for a song that you listen to once to fully immerse yourself in 90’s Christmas and then NEVER listen to it again: 8 Days of Christmas-Destiny’s Child. Back when Beyonce sang about getting a pair of Chloe shades and a DIAMOND BELLY RING from her baby for Christmas instead of singing about girl power and waking up like this. My, my how much our baby Bey has grown. If you want to make sure that you hate this song and never want to hear it again, have one of your most popular friends that you always hang out with set it as her ringtone. Worked like a charm for me.

I hope you enjoyed this very merry walk through Christmases of the 90’s and early 2000’s. Excuse me while I put this playlist on full blast and write my letter to Santa. Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.

The Salty Ju

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Monthly Archives: December 2014

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The ULTIMATE Pop Christmas Playlist