Well last week the storm had just begun, and if this week’s episode was supposed to be a shit storm it did not deliver. We had a few O-M-GEE moments and a whole lot of Deacon flashbacks but otherwise I would like to tell Nashville to amp it up right quick. Let’s talk shockers first then scuffle on about the stupid shit afterwards.

1. Kiley-the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mom has made a triumphant return for that whiny ass kid of hers.Since she completely missed Gunnar’s you are NOT the father moment, she still thinks Micah is in Nashville. Gunnar’s all hey guess what you’re the worst person to ever live and I never want to see you again but then when he comes home several hours later she’s still hangin. Turns out Gunnar’s skeezy bro Jason actually raped Kiley at a party then comes baby in the baby carriage. BOOM. Plot twist. Due to this new and unfortunate news, Gunnar takes Kiley under his wing because he lives to cater to broken birds, Kiley sees this as a possible opening for a rekindling of their love, then she calls her son and he promptly hangs up on her. HA-HA betch. Future Plans:Kiley gets after Gunnar’s D. Possible fam reunion?

2. Deacon walks in on Maddie and Colt doin tha na$ty in their Catholic school uniforms like a couple of teenage freeeaks. Maddie immediately turns on the waterworks and says it’s not what it looks like (a porno) and Colt quickly narcs that Maddie didn’t even want to, so it’s not her fault. Jeez, Colt, do the waistband tuck and cut your losses instead of ratting out your fifteen year old girlfriend for not wanting to put out right away. Maddie gets a country star-to-aspiring country star S-E-X chat later from Juliette who tells her if/when she does let Colt penetrate her, she hopes it’s for the right reasons. Maddie’s all you’re going to be such a great mom, Julez and Juliette gets a blank stare on her face as she remembers that she has a kid and panics. After Deacon has shaken out all of the awksies, he tells Maddie he’s just glad he’s ALIVE to have this moment with her, but he’s still totes telling Rayna that her daughter was caught slooting it up. Over in boy world, Luke’s sex chat with Colt is more like son, we all make mistakes *claps Colt on the back*.Future plans: These two will have sex and judging by what a cocky lil SOB Colt is, it will be terrible.

3. Rayna sneaks on over to East Buhhole, America to pay a visit to Beverly and snatch up that healthy liver of hers.What we don’t get is a compliant, loving Beverly…what we get instead is a whole slew of flashbacks on a very Fonz-esque Deacon with a slicked back swoop hairstyle and a hideous joutfit getting his start in Nashville with Bev at his side. Not only did they cake makeup on Deacon to make him not look like he’s in his 40’s…they also brought back ugly hair Rayna and I had to shield my eyes from that atrocity of curls. Someone also called her Ray-Ray, so there’s that. Apparently there was a point to these flashbacks other than to show us how much more attractive these two are now that they’re famous and rich and that is to teach us how Beverly thought she was going to be bigger than Rayna James until Ray-Ray sashayed in and stole her bro. Unfortunately, instead of becoming the #1 country star, Bev became waitress by day, piano bar singer by night. She gives Rayna some real bitch eyes as she wails airport lounge music then basically tells Rayna she can go to hell for stealing her career. The shocker comes when Rayna finally remembers she’s dealing with a crazy person and hands Bev a check for a cool milli hoping it will change her mind. What a Bo$$ Ray Ray is, buying her lover’s liver. Future plans: With Bev’s heart of gold she’ll turn it down and do the transplant because Deacon is family. NAHHHTT. She’ll take that money and PEACE.

4. Our little prostitute tattletale calls Teddy to inform him that she’s still cruising around Nashville a free woman and to turn this show into a horror movie by saying “They’re coming for you, Teddy.” Ok, girl. Let’s T it down with the dramats. Teddy snaps up his passport faster than you can say political scandal and starts packing his bags. His final goodbye to his girls before he hauls ass outta Nashville? Expensive necklaces from Tiffany’s to show how much he loves them. What a heartfelt guy. Right before he’s headed out, the US Attorney shows up to tell Teddy that he’ll drop all investigation and charges in exchange for a favor. BUT WHAT IS THE FAVOR? Cliffhanger, we’ll find out next week. Future Plans:Gonna go ahead and assume more illegal stuff. Cause that’s how Teddy rolls now.

Now onto less shocking things…Scarlett and her doc lover whose expiration date is the end of this season if not sooner kiss a whole lot and it’s super forced and obnoxious. Also Scarlett and Gunnar have another sexual tension fight. Deacon tells Juliette that he’s dying…is he gonna run out of people to tell soon? This repeated scene each week is getting EXHAUSTING. Layla and Fordham fight a whole lot because Layla has turned into a fame slut and Fordham is beginning to realize he hitched his wagon to this monster.

And finally our days with Jade St. John the hair unicorn are over, boo-hoo. In her final moments she goes from pink AND black hair to full-on magenta within hours…this chick is so versatile. It’s gonna be hard to let her go. Luke is visiting her mansion in LA as she prepares to throw a party with an inconvenient amount of bubbles in the air. They make out and talk about their favorite rom coms in front of a green screen of a tasteful ocean background. At her party later where Nashville doesn’t beat around the bush directly taking jabs at how stupid LA is, Jade pretends her house is like Vegas and doesn’t allow social media posts. But how will we know what the cool people are doing? Luke sees that Jade is wearing a literal palm tree on her body and is disgusted so he breaks up with her cause he’s just a cowboy from Kentucky, ya’ll. Layla shows up accentuating her puffy bangs (not in a good way) then has a dance floor BOMO with a celeb she was fangirling over. Fordham’s on suicide watch and finally has had enough when he tweets out a picture of slob kebab Layla and tags Jade in it like a baby bitch scorned lover.

Finally: BAMF moment of the night goes to Ms. Juliette Barnes over the top divalicious comeback. She demands roof access and a helicopter and then puts on one hell of a show while looking like a smoke in her sparkly mini and serenading Nashville with a fresh number. She gets all high on the juice from doing an illegal concert and goes for a little steamy elevator hookup with Avery. They get home to penetrate and obviously the baby starts crying during foreplay. Womp wompppp. Hide the knives.

Apparently Xtina had a little time between being being self-appointed captain of the Boys Club on The Voice and moving her hands in the air as she wails onstage because she’s back for more this week and it looks like next week too. Oh, goody. This week she has black hair, which really compliments her black face. No seriously, who applied her self tanner, is that even legal to show on TV?  She kicks it with Luke a lot and we find out that the reason for this is because she wants to make a country album and also she’d like for him to go Wheels Up all over her body. Luke says no thank you to the record deal but yes please to the wheels up. But not before Jade and Layla become BFF’s and team up against raging B Juliette.

Juliette returns from LA casj as can be and when Avery’s mom tries to hand her daughter over, Juliette does the Heisman on dat hoe and mutters some bullshit excuse about them looking comfy. She gets ready to leave again for her fundraiser where she’s hoping to make a comeback and pretend she didn’t push a baby out of her vag a mere weeks ago. At the fundraiser, Juliette goes on a rampage and starts feuding with Jade because Jade defends Layla. When the bidding starts for the live performance, Jade shells out $500K just to hear Layla sing. JK, she does it just to bitch slap Juliette with her money. Guess what? It works. Win, win for all of us is that they skip over Layla singing (because no one cares) and we just get to see a pop vs. country showdown just short of a hoedown. (That doesn’t make ANY sense but it rhymes. Nailed it.)

Notably missing from this big charade of a fundraiser is Rayna, Maddie, Deacon & Scarlett who are all in the hospital because Deacon is getting a new liver. The Rayna James Fam Squad was set to open the fundraiser singing This Time and although we saw a snippet of them rehearsing like the Partridge Family, happy as clams, they have to peace before the actual performance. (THANK GOD FOR MY EARS. THAT SONG SUCKS.) In their absence, Teddy and Luke bond over the I Hate Deacon (But Not Enough To Wish Death Upon Him) Fan Club and Teddy asks Luke if he’ll step in and duet with Daphne since she got the shaft like she always does because her sister is a melodramatic whiny teen with a big shadow. My all time favorite moment of the night (maybe this season? Bold statement) is when Daphne takes the stage with Luke and they sing Have A Little Faith In Me and she knocks it outta the park and is cute as shit. MORE DAPHNE, STAT!! I DEMAND it.

At the hospital, everything runs smooth as buttah, Deacon gets a fresh liver and then wakes up and him and Rayna write a duet about it with Maddie harmonizing as backup vocals. NAHT. Turns out Deacon is running a baby fever so they need to run tests AKA Deacon might lose the liver because we need to REAALLLYY drag this out. As Doc says “We’re going to sort this out as fast as we can.” Are ya, though, Doc? Are ya? Scarlett asks Dr. Hottie to just sweep it under the rug and snake that liver to Deacon no matter what. Hey guess what, with that, their relationship is now dead. Not that it was really going anywhere anyway. Then Doc’s all, hey everyone, it was just a sinus infection, lawls, take some Nyquil and let’s get you that liver! But then in true beating a dead horse fashion, Houston we have a problem…the liver was harvested and might have bits of cancer in it so DEACON IS STILL DYING (probably until the season finale.) Deacon, Maddie and Rayna all sob and pray to Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior that he makes it through. I think I speak for everyone when I say OH COMEEEEE ONNNNNNN.

Lots of tears this episode as Jade also gets all boo-hoo because Juliette told her she doesn’t belong in Nashville but don’t worry because Luke takes her to the Bluebird and random man onstage asks her up to sing and she’s like oh I don’t know, I’m terrified, OH OK. She sings a Luke song like the kiss-ass that she clearly is. At first she sounds like Britney in her Crossroads era getting up to do I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman (not a compliment) but with the help of her duet buddy it gets a lot better. Coincidentally Jade is wearing the same mini jean jacket that Xtina wore to the ACM’s on Sunday to perform with Rascal Flatts. Cause apparently pop star puts on a denim jacket made for a doll and BAM she’s country. Jade sashays that jean bolero back to her hotel room where the MOST AWKWARD kiss ensues between her and Luke. She confesses she used to kiss his poster from Y-14 magazine before bed every night until her sparkle lip gloss bled through the thin magazine paper and Luke is like let’s try it as humans instead and she says that’d be crazy great. CRAZY. GREAT. Girl go into hiding that’s so embarrassing you don’t even deserve to be smooched let alone boned.

Welp, that pretty much sums it up…what do we think will happen next week? Will Layla go on tour with Jade even though Jeff who acts like her dad but then tongues her FORBID her from going? Will Juliette continue to lie awake in bed plotting new ways to smother her newborn? Will Scarlett and Gunnar keep do-si-do-ing around the eventual bang sesh that will result from them dueting again? Will Daphne move in with Teddy because she doesn’t point out that she has two dads every second of her life like her obnoxious sister? Are Will and his boy toy going to keep shacking up for days in secret after Will barfed up all his feelings? MOST importantly, did I see a sneak peek of Colt giving Ms. Maddie the business? STAY TUNED.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: When Fordham sees Juliette at the fundraiser and says, “Been a while, when you gonna have that baby.” YES, bring back sassy Jeff, get rid of sulking scorned lover Jeff.

Since I know you’ve spent all week AGONIZING about what the future little diva of Nashville was named, the wait is finally over. Her name is Cadence, and she won’t stop wailing. Get it guys, cause like cadence is also a musical term and this show is about music and the writers are all about letting the general public do their job. They probably sat around the writers’ room and were like hmm, we can’t decide on a name for this baby that everyone won’t make fun of, let’s make our fans decide so we don’t take the heat if it sucks. Well anyway, back to Cadence the screaming infant. Avery read somewhere that babies like to be shushed so he shushes the little biddy and peaces out to be with the band leaving Juliette to glare at this screeching little metaphor for a musical phrase. Girl’s, makin music, alright.

Little miss insufferable teen, Maddie used to make music but now she just makes sweet, sweet puppy love to her boyfriend Colt. After Rayna catches them playing tonsil hockey, this time not as almost-siblings, Rayna goes to Luke to talk about it and he’s like yeah I’ve been supervising their mack seshes for weeks at the ranch, NBD. They have date plans to see pop star Jade St. John in concert and Rayna’s like uh-uh, honey because Maddie’s being a real dick and tells Rayna she doesn’t respect her.

Xtina throws on a wild pink wig and suddenly becomes Jade St. John. WHAT A NAME. Cotton candy head Jade apparently used to be engaged to Jeff Fordham and I’m guessing he turned her into a pop star and she was like I’ll take it from here, see ya later alligator. Now Layla wants to open up for Jade and Jeff has to come crawling back asking for a favor, showing us a softer side of the perpetually slimy Jeffster. It seems that Frenchy broke his little plastic heart and since she feels bad about how his life is a shithole now, she throws him a bone and lets Layla open for her.

In Deacon’s weekly meltdown about the CANCER that he HAS…Juliette recruits him to write a song for the Pasty Kline movie credits that she agreed to do in a day because she obviously has nothing better to do. Deacon sucks at songwriting now because he’s probably more concerned with staying alive or something. Juliette calls him out on it so he storms out and cries about how all anyone talks about is his CANCER. Then Maddie tells him that she always goes over to the ranch because Deacon is depressing AF and finally Deacon has a baby breakthrough and apologizes to Rayna for being a whiney pants and says, “Right now I’m pretty sick of being sick.” Yeah SAMESIES, DEACON. CUT IT OUT, WILL YA? Rayna tells him to bring Maddie (who also apologized) to the concert so that she can be rewarded with front row seats at a pop concert for her snotty behavior.

Gunnar, also in a snotty mood since Scarlett’s getting some and he’s not the one giving it, coins a nickname for her boyfriend—Dr. Dork. Hey Gunnar, why don’t you leave the nicknames to me, alright? Dr. Hottie and Scarlett are still mingling even though the duet of sexual tension went viral on YouTube and it’s all anyone can talk about. The Triple X’s get interviewed and all the guy wants to know is about Scarlett/Gunnar and Avery is only known as Juliette’s baby daddy. Yiiikez. They decide to throw a party where Gunnar wears a disgusting fedora and I’m wondering how exactly he thinks he’s going to win Scarlett over looking like an old-timer park ranger. Scarlett is as dry as the Sahara desert when she sees Gunnar so this is probably going nowhere for right now, which is good because Gunnar needs to shape up and stop acting like such a wiener. They play another fire flames song, which is really par for the course for them at this point—when are they just going to release a full album so I can binge?

At Frenchy’s concert across town, Rayna finds out that Layla hired Jeffy as her manager and kicks him while he’s down, telling him that Layla will soon enough realize he’s a dirt bag and fire him. OoOh WATCH YO BACK FORDHAM. Xtina, I mean, Jade, does what she should actually be doing because her acting is real sub-par and sings Beauty School Dropout jams out a banger, owning the stage even though she’s wearing an original costume from Hocus Pocus. Backstage things get super serious when Deacon tells Luke that he is a dead man walking and Luke’s like shiiitt now I’ve gotta be nice to you. They shake hands like men and Deacon for the first time says he’s going to beat this and it’s no biggie, which was much needed news because maybe it means Debbie Downer is done making appearances in Nashville.

While everyone is out party, party, hardy, Juliette is at home with that SPAWN Cadence. She’s trying to write this song and that kid of hers is really cock blocking her creative juices. Avery stops in just to tell her he’s going out to play a show and that Juliette cannot come with. Left alone with the screamer, she definitely thinks about murdering it but instead hires a nanny so that her kid survives the night. Avery comes home and sees someone actually adoring their child who is certainly not his wife and is a little peeved she hired a nanny without his permish. Juliette ends up taking off for LA to present the song and Avery is forced to quit the Triple X’s so that his baby has at least one parent because even though Juliette makes a women empowering, feminist statement about how we have it all figured out, what she really means is that she’s figured out that she doesn’t want to be a mom…whoopsie!

In the land of the still locked tight in the closet, Will wants to ask his writing partner out, you know the one that he homophobically slammed before he met him, funny how the tables have turned. Will acts like a real pansy about asking him out and storms out when he sees him talking to someone else. In the end, they hang (inside, shades drawn) and make out a little bit, and Will is probably definitely absolutely not going to keep this a secret and then flip out and ruin things. Nope, not Will.

And Teddy…Teddy the naïve little cub who thinks that he can pay off a prostitute with dirty money and then hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s back to normal life I go, is about to have a rude awakening. His prosty demands to get half a mill in cold hard cash and Teddy’s like okey dokey, Smokey. Turns out the hooker DIDN’T have a heart of gold and has been working with the FBI to hand over Teddy in return for her immunity. Hope the sex was worth it Bach Teddy, cause it’s about to go DOWN. Now that Sadie the murderer is gone, we could use a little scandal in Nashville, and I for one cannot wait.

If you had ever previously questioned that Rayna James, hair full of secrets, isn’t the Beyonce of Nashville, then this episode is for you. For all the Rayna doubters, let’s see you make up excuses for Rayna clearing someone of murder, delivering a baby and still getting home in time to tuck her daughters into bed. All in a day’s work.

Sadie is under fire this week (not literally) from the Nashville PD for killing her ex-husband. It seems that Sadie saying on national TV that Pete wouldn’t get away with it PLUS owning an unregistered firearm just doesn’t add up so well. Instead of using her one phone call to snag a lawyer, she calls Rayna James, and you know what, after seeing Rayna take down a whole record label, I absolutely understand the logic of calling her to get out of murder charges.

Coincidentally, on the SAME day that Sadie decided to have a little parking garage shoot-up, Juliette planned an A-List baby shower, hosted by Rayna, obv. Unfortunately everyone famous bails (which conveniently allows Juliette to pretend she’s close with Miranda, Kacey and Carrie without ABC actually shelling out the big bucks for their appearances.) With red lips and side braid on fleek, Juliette has a meltdown, throws shit and rips Rayna a new one when she shows up. She shouts about being a low priority, “Somewhere below your precious little label and your stupid perfect hair.” OH NO SHE DIDN’T! Rayna loses her chill and tells Juliette to shut the hell up, which obviously forces Juliette to unload her amniotic juices all over the floor. All it takes is a Rayna hair flip and you’re going into labor. Don’t poke the beast, girl.

In problems that Rayna cannot solve with just one look, Gunnar is being a bitter bitch about Scarlett getting some. He calls her a loose goose for sleeping with the doc so soon and they have it out over him dating her bestie and her turning down the proposal. Rayna stomps one foot, the bus lurches and Gunnar and Scarlett are tossed into each other’s arms. Avery has to skedaddle to have a baby so the ole trusty duo is revived for lots of sexual tension onstage. It wasn’t my favorite song the two of them have done, they seemed to be drowned out by the music but Gunnar seems to think he can serenade Scarlett and they’ll fall into bed together. Hey Gunnar, we endured a whole season of you two crooning with sex eyes before you even kissed so let’s not jump the gun here (pun intended.) PS Scarlett burns him later and says all she felt was music.

Speaking of guns, Sadie spends the whole day after she’s released looking really terrible and being a little melodramats about finishing her record from jail. Turns out she is clear of all charges thanks to her boy Luke who didn’t want to spark things up with a convicted murderer, I guess. And with the biggest upset of the century, Sadie decides it’s time to hit the road and leave town to think about what she’s done. I’d like to personally ask the writers why they felt the need to add a useless character with a lame storyline and when they FINALLY spice it up with a little gun play and BFF betrayal love affair, they send her packing. For shame. I have a sly feeling she’ll be back though after she gives Luke an intimate hug goodbye before she chucks them deuces.

Finally, our “in case you missed it” piece of the episode, Deacon is DYING. Maddie is handling it by slamming her door like he just told her she can’t go to the mall and calling Teddy to come get her NOW. Daphne is handling it by asking what cancer feels like. These two are real peas in a pod. Teddy and Deacon have a moment when Deac tells Teddy that he is basically a skeleton walking this earth and it’s so heartwarming that it almost makes us forget that Teddy is currently blackmailing someone for half a mill so he can get his prostitute a one way ticket to Sleazeville where I assume her mouth will be duct taped shut.

If that image didn’t give you the warm and fuzzies, baby Javery (ew) has finally arrived and Juliette’s side braid is still fully intact after giving birth. She’s obviously trying to give Rayna’s locks a run for their money. Avery and Juliette sing a lullaby to their new little bundle and it’s so gagworthy and the harmonizing is so unrealistic for a quick baby sing-along that I actually laughed out loud. They leave us with a cliffhanger because they’ve finally decided what to name the baby but the general public clearly hasn’t finished voting on a name. GET TO WORK SO WE CAN FIND OUT HOW STUPID IT IS.

Ok somebody’s gotta say it and you know I have no problem being the first. Nashville is in a RUT. There far too many Nashvillian’s this week that did things as interesting as watching bread get moldy. To put it nicely, I would’ve rather watched an hour of Will and Layla’s short-lived reality show “Love and Country”. Speaking of Will, he debuted a new song this week called “I’m On It” and the best part of the song was when he harmonized with another random guy. So he should probably do more of that. You know, stuff with guys. Obviously he’s still trapped in the closet R. Kelly style and did we ever actually think this story line would play out this long when it first debuted fifteen years ago (sorry it felt like fifteen, I guess it was technically last season).

Everything is going swimmingly in Nashville after Jeff is ousted from Edgehill until suddenly…we interrupt all of you country singers recording and self-promoting that your label just shit the bed and you should probably go back to working at the Bluebird Cafe for the rest of your lives. That’s right…EDGEHILL IS DEAD. GUITAR RIFF.

While a fifty year old record label burns to the ground from the match that Rayna lit (you go girl!), Layla is apparently still sexing it up with recently canned Jeff Fordham. Bro has basically moved in with her and is milking the downfall of his career for all that it’s worth. Layla grows a brain for a second and asks the Fordster if this is some sort of mid-life crisis and he’s like yeah probably but whatevz. And she says what everyone has been thinking, which is THIS IS WEIRD. Even weirder, they plot to buy the music catalog from Edgehill and branch off into their own label to become Nashville’s new power couple that is doomed from the start. They’re like we can do this and get our careers BACK. Instead of shaking on it they bang on it.

Fordham goes to Luke with the offer to start a new label–he’ll do the managing if Luke will dole out the cash money flow, so there’s absolutely no way this could go wrong. After Luke has a run-in with Rayna in the elevator (sadly no steamy ‘vator hookup ala Grey’s Anatomy although I was hoping for one to spice things up a bit) Luke’s hate for his ex-fiancé blinds him into calling Jeff and signing a deal with the devil. They want to poach Will Lexington first. Fordham in the most casual way ever is like hey maybe we need Layla Grant as well. And Luke basically tells him that’s the dumbest idea on this earth and maybe he should shut the hell up. Fordham’s like ehh ok sounds good. You put up a good fight there, Jeff.

In La-La Land while the big time label moguls are scrapping over a singer whose known more for his bedroom activity than his actual music (seriously, how many times have we heard Will sing?) Dr. Hottie gives Deacon the option to do a sketchy trial treatment that has only been tested on pigs in Nigeria instead of getting a healthy liver transplant. He also continues to spit real awkward game at Scarlett and talk about lattes. Scarlett boohoos about Deacon getting depressed again and cries to Gunnar who says, I have a brillz idea let’s get the band back together and forget the fact that Zoey-the-worst was ever on this show! Gunnar could also use a distraction because no matter where he is he pictures Micah that bastard child and thinks about his brother boinking his girlfriend. The band hits the Bluebird stage and sounds like a lost track from a Simon and Garfunkel record. Avery sings like a real creep for some reason, over-pronunciating his words and making weird faces. I no longer support this band reunion. After feeling great about singing again without a homeless man forcing her to, Scar goes back to Dr. Hottie and asks him in the most uncomfortable and awkward way possible if he would like to go out sometime. He accepts of course.

In aggressively pregnant, haven’t left the couch in 4 weeks land, Juliette is pezzzed that Us Weekly called her a big fat cow and she’s like is that really what I look like? Do you actually want us to answer that Julez? She has a Vogue photo shoot that was previously booked but now she’s self conscious and at the shoot, poses in a way that makes her look like she’s taking a dump. After another little meltdown with Avery she decides to pose nearly nude for Vogue and embrace her 15 months pregnant body. She shows Avery and he pops a boner and loves her even more.

Deacon gets sad again this week, and then angry because he’s dying, in case you haven’t heard. He goes into the studio to help Avery out with some guitar tracks and ends up trying to take over as producer and being a litttttle aggressive about it. He decides to turn down the trial of untested drugs smuggled from Mexico and just let God (or network producers) save him. He also apologizes to Avery for being a dick and seriously that’s all Deacon does this episode. Gonna need a cure (in the form of Rayna) REAL soon or I’m gonna start wishing they kill him off.

Speaking of killing off characters…Sadie confesses to Rayna all about Pete the deadbeat ex-husband whose extorting her for money. They have girl talk and Rayna is like come stay in my guest house because I’m rich. Then my favorite kind of Powerhouse Rayna comes back to play when she agrees to pay him off, faces him and says, “Maybe the good lord only gave you two inches, I don’t know. But if you ever come near my friend again I will make it my mission to ruin you and unlike you I actually have the power to do it.” BOO. YAH.

Rayna continues to climb atop her throne that reigns over Nashville by holding label tryouts to reboot and become top dog now that she took Edgehill down with one single hair flip. Layla shows up to the tryouts uninvited because Fordham doesn’t want her for his rogue label and he knows Rayna is a sucker for women. Artists go in and out of Ray’s office and  Layla continues to wait on the couch like a sad old cheeto stuck in between the cushions. Rayna wants to give Layla a chance because she knows that Fordham left her face down in a pool to die. Newly promoted Bucky disagrees and Ray pretty much stomped on his promotion when she said we’re not signing who you want to, it’s my way or the Highway (65). Layla accepts the pity offer and after Fordham comes home to tell her that Luke finally came to his senses and said please get outta here because everyone in Nashville hates you, Layla offers for him to be her manager. TRAIN. WRECK. comin atcha.

And finally, my favorite thing this week–watching Teddy in FULL panic mode about his secrets being exposed. Teddy calls Jeff once he hears of the label crash to ask him hey, we cool? Then after Fordz doesn’t return his calls Teddy sends  a SWAT team on him, all to cover his hooker-banging ass. Teddy catches up with Fordham talent scouting at the bar and he’s like kaaaay everything’s gr8 right? And Jeff says “Loose lips sink ships all the DAMN TIME!” Actually Taylor Swift sang that on her critically acclaimed album 1989, but Jeff is obviously a T. Swift fan because that can’t just be a coincidence to use that phrase. Teddy calls Loose Lips, I mean, his former paid girlfriend to make sure she doesn’t blab. That obviously wasn’t sufficient so he rolls up to her house instead and dun dun dunnnn it’s bugged and Teddy the moron falls into a very cliché political trap when he tells her to keep it under wraps and make up a story where he didn’t bang her and leave a wad of fifties afterward. BYE BYE TEDDY!! Hope you updated your rezzy cause you’re outta here!

Last week was a real lull–even though they were reaching for the drama with Bev’s return it just wasn’t doing it for me. This week, however, sassy Rayna makes a comeback and it’s easily my favorite kind of Rayna. No more of this mopey mopey I’m famous as shit but my love life is a hot mess and I don’t know how to control my own children Rayna. This week, the bitch is back and she’s taking down slimeball Jeff Fordham. But let’s get the sobsies out of the way first.

In case you didn’t know…Deacon has liver cancer and it seems as though within a week’s time he has already turned into a walking corpse. That was real aggress, ABC. The hot doc won’t tell Deacon how much time he has so Deacon’s like FINE and storms out to go use The Google and see for himself. Tsk, tsk, Deacon didn’t anyone ever teach you not to EVER trust the internet as a medical source? Seriously, the amount of times I’ve used the symptom checker on WebMD to find out that my knee hurting was a brain tumor was enough for my mom to permanently block the website. Anyway, while surfing on the line he finds out that he has like one minute to live. He gets sad but then Maddie Face Times him and Scarlett forces him to stop being a baby bitch and talk to his daughter. Maddie doesn’t even seem to notice that Deacon looks like the Ghost of Nashville past, which seems like a real red flag to me, but she sets up a time to kick it with him and he hangs up and ugly cries. After he’s finished crying he draws up a will. Hey grim reaper, could you T it down a little? What did I tell you about writers killing off main characters? YOU’RE SAFE! Scarlett, chipper as can be, tries to tell Deacon that he’s not going to die so cut it out and he’s like yeah I’m already dead and I’m talking to you from beyond the grave. They both cry togets and it’s like I’m watching an episode of the Addams family with this shit.

Right as I’m about to take a razor to my wrists, Maddie comes over for her guitar lesson. Deacon still looks like he belongs in a body bag and he tells Maddie that maybe she should think about getting a new guitar teacher because dead people can’t teach guitar. Maddie, always subtle about her feelings, shouts I WILL NOT. YOU’RE FREAKIN DEACON CLAYBOURNE, AND YOU’RE MY DAD. Then she throws a tantrum over learning a chord progression on the guitar and Deacon’s talks her down from the musical suicide ledge and she sings it out and suddenly Deacon believes he’s going to live and he’s SO done with being a Debbie Downer. Thank God.

In further desperate attempts to give Scarlett a relevance to this show ever since she quit the biz, she goes OFF on hot doc for not giving her and Deacon the answers they need. He flirtatiously talks about lattes with her then calls her a happy bully and tells her to stop suffocating Deacon with the fuzzy you’re gonna live forever wuzzies. They flirt some more and I’d like to take this time to quote myself from February 5th when we first met Dr. Sexy and I predicted that they would hook him up with someone. Ding ding dingggg that didn’t take long. Hey Scar, I know your uncle’s dying but maybe wait until after the all clear to hook up with his doc.

Scarlett might not be hooking up just yet, but her ex boyf and his buddies are quick to pick up the slack on casual sex this week. Gunnar’s real messed up about having a fake son for a few weeks and then losing custody, Luke returns from boozy touring with his broken heart, and Will is still REAL closeted so BOYS NIGHT OUT! They troll the clubs of Nashville like they’re on the Jersey Shore and hope on some real grenades. Gunnar pulls the public make out with a club rat, Luke takes one home and Will strong arms a chick who tries to make out with him. The morning after the boys recap the night hung over, like girls do after wine night and Will is like OK it’s confession time, I’m not really into banging random girls anymore. And Luke’s like I get it, I’m also gay sensitive. Will’s closet is still padlocked shut. Gunnar and Luke have a jam sesh and I stand by the fact that post-Rayna Luke is all sorts of awesome. He sings a ballad that’s obviously about her but the song is amAHzing. Luke and Gunnar are sad togets cause they both have broken hearts. New and improved Luke tells Gunnar to write a song about it like he did when he suddenly starting making good music. He says, “Your first love sleeps with your brother, Gunnar it doesn’t get any more country than that.” So much wisdom.

Alright, the moment we’ve been waiting for, Rayna’s about to take us all to CHURCH. Obviously after Teddy sly dog signed his fifteen year old daughter up for an ole record deal, we knew shit was gonna hit the fan. I didn’t predict how much of a baby bitch Teddy would be about it though and it gave me pure joy to watch. Jeff sends Rayna a diamond necklace for Maddie, welcoming her to Edgehill. (Genuine question-do we think that’s the first time Jeff’s ever purchased jewelry for a woman? His first diamond buy is for a fifteen year old, niiiiice Jeffy.) Rayna marches on over to Jeff’s office and is like ohhhh helll nawwww, GUITAR RIFF.

The Rayna of Terror (get it?) continues in Teddy’s office when she’s like hey asshole you signed our daughter to a record label? And Teddy’s like I’ve been meaning to tell you about that, NBD but KBD. They fight about whose the better parent (real talk: they both kinda suck) and Rayna hits up the legal team next. She comes back at Teddy guns blazin with the threat to strip him of his parental rights because he’s not even Maddie’s biological father. LAWYERED. Teddy folds like a house of cards and blubbers out his whole trashy sordid tale of prostitutes drugs and sleazy best friends. Ray looks at him with disgust like he’s sitting in his own steaming pile of shit when he offers to help and says you’ve done enough. I’ll clean up your sticky mess because you couldn’t keep it in your pants around a prosty.

With that, Rayna pins her hair up in a real ambiguous top bun that is the only thing I don’t love about her this episode, and storms into Fordham’s board meeting with the record company chairman. Jeff is lapping up the chairman’s interest in Maddie’s music and promises that she will absolutely be their cash cow and Rayna proceeds to blow Jeff’s shit WIDE open. As innocent as can be she’s like I’m sure you’d be interested to know that Jeff Fordham abuses his female clients, check the footage of his pool on December 12th, tralala. And Mr. Chairman says the contract never existed as far as he’s concerned. Rayna shines her nails, flips her hair and PEACES. When Teddy comes to see her later she tells him I’ll be taking our daughters back for now, maybe you should go to sex therapy and also get the F out of my office. And BAM. That’s how it’s done. Take notes, cause Rayna just verbally knocked Teddy down and then dug her cowboy boot heel into his dick while simultaneously ousting Fordham from his greasy throne. All in a day’s work. BOOYAH.

Since I had to watch these I guess I will also make you read about them–the lame story lines from this week…

-FE FI FO FUM, Juliette continues to be the most insufferable and massive pregnant woman on this earth. She’s on bed rest because she can’t locate her feet and a remote gets lost in the wide abyss of her hands. She also calls Avery 100 times while he’s at the studio to tell him everything she’s eaten that day.

-I’m over Sadie Stone. I think she’s a Melvin and her story line is played out. There I said it. Her husband comes back and serves her with papers and then threatens to follow her wherever she goes until she gives him money. She cries about it a lot and is afraid then tells Avery all about her woes and he tries to defend her by yelling at Pete. When Pete starts to lunge at Avery, Sadie suddenly finds her girl power and is like GET OUTTA HERE YOU TURD. Then FEMINISM she’s SO ready to sing now. And her song suuuuucks. I expected to hear a sassy chick anthem and instead we get ANOTHER weepy song from her. Enough. Step it up or get outta here. I need another “Wrong Song” and I needed it last season.

-Layla is still kicking around unfortunately…she passed her psych eval, ugh. On the up side, she’s thinking about leaving and I can only hope she suffers the same swift cowboy boot to the ass that Zoey did. Jeff gives her false hope when he asks her to perform for the label chairman and then stiffs her because Rayna comes in and throws down. He shows up to her house to be like let me explain, I got fired and I would like a sympathy bang pls.

Three weeks have passed in Nashville since the wedding that wasn’t, the death that wasn’t, and the dad that wasn’t. The writers took a break this week from the exhausting and repetitive story lines of Will and Layla and I’ve never been more grateful. Also noticeably missing? Luke the scorned lover, because apparently he’s crushing it post-Rayna…and it all started with that fire flames song at his wedding concert.

While Luke is undoubtedly playing show after show and hate-banging groupies, Deacon is dealing with his liver cancer, which has consumed his life. He reveals the bad news to his AA group and promptly tells them that he doesn’t want any of their booze soaked organs so keep those on lock down. Deacon’s liver may be aggressively depleting, but the man’s sense of humor is still all there. The big drama starts when Mommy Dearest Beverly returns to Nashville to make Scarlett cower under a piano again. Just kidding, Scarlett tricked her into coming back and making amends when really she just wants to get her hands on a new liver for Deacon. Deacon finds out that Scarlett sneaky invited his sister and he has a seizure. Calm down, Deacon, no reason to get all bent out of shape, gawd. It’s a real rollercoaster of emotions when Bev says “NO LIVER FOR YOU, DEACON!” and then decides to take the test after Scarlett begs her to be a decent human being. And now’s the point in time when I must interrupt this melodrama to announce that SMOKESHOW DOC IS BACK. Yaassss. Fresh eye candy. He talks about what the surgery entails and how long the recovery period is as I drool at my TV.

Anyway, back to the ADORABLY BARFWORTHY happy family reunion scene when Bev, Deacon and Scarlett harmonize around the kitchen sink. Everyone is smiling and crooning when there is an abrupt ending to the campfire singing. Coming from left field, Bev isn’t a blood type match. WOW. You mean to tell me Deacon put ALL of his HOPE on ONE person and she’s NOT a match? Could she be lying about her results though? Is that something that Bev would do, cause she seemed so pure of heart…Oh wait she was lying and was about to sneak outta town right quick too. Bevdawgz gets caught in the act and pulls the “you did this to yourself” classic line with Deacon. She leaves and confirms she’s still an awful person. Little downward spiral when Scarlett sobs about Deacon probz dying in the dark and Deacon admits he’s terrified. C’mon guys, TV shows don’t kill off main characters unless they’re looking to commit show suicide (I’m looking at you The OC). There is NO NEED to be worried at all. (As I google spoiler alerts to confirm that Deacon lives…)

We should be worried about Rayna’s career though because girl has been hibernating from the press and it’s gotten to the point where she was offered a residency in Vegas. I am appalled. This is Rayna JAMES. She ain’t no Mariah Carey! She’ll retire to Vegas, NEVER. She decides instead to have an impromptu show at the Bluebird. Except oopsie, while rehearsing she sees a picture of her and Deacon on the wall and spirals into Deana (Raycon? Dayna? We’ll work on that..) flashbacks to a couple months ago, which is probably for the best because any time they’ve flashed back any farther Rayna’s hair has been all sorts of ugly. In these flashbacks she has perfect waves and a side braid that’s on point, oh and also Deacon almost kills her in that drunk driving incident. Blip on the radar, really. Suddenly she can’t perform because she remembered that.

Luckily for Rayna, while she’s going through all this emotional trauma she can really rely on her daughter to be a rock and pull her through. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Maddie amps up her insufferable teen vibes this week and it’s SUFFOCATING. It seems as though Jeff Fordham’s “after school music program” is actually just his way of covering up child labor laws because he has Maddie & Daphne in a recording studio laying down tracks. Teddy walks in and is like yes, my two daughters in a studio with a label exec looks very typical for an educational group, there is certainly nothing suspicious about this. Obviously it turns sketchy real fast when Jeff proposes a record deal for Maddie, kicking little Daphne to the CURB. That’s cold, Jeff. Teddy’s rational for a second and says no to a record deal for his fifteen year old daughter. It certainly doesn’t help Maddie’s case that she immediately shouts about how she’s so old and mature and would like to move out of the house, start smoking and bang randoms.Or she just wants to become a country star, same difference, really. Maddie continues her Tour de Torment when she bugs the shit out of her mom trying to get the juicy deets about Deacon. Rayna and Maddie sob togets about how Deacon’s not talking to them.. which makes them look like a couple of real selfish assholes. Maybe take your private car that’s probably always on call over to Deacon’s house and check things out? Just a suggestion.

Equally as selfish but even more annoying is Micah, the overdramatic kid who has taken to ignoring Gunnar’s phone calls and pretending he’s not home. Too bad his grams narc’ed on him, leading Gunnar to drop in for a surprise visit. Wittle baby Micah has a wittle baby meltdown because his dad was a bad guy AND SO IS HE. Micah shouts this as he runs away as fast as those little chicken legs will take him.To reward Micah for being such a well-behaved and idyllic child, Gunnar gifts Micah with a brand new iPhone. Uncle Gunz also pulls the classic giving of the gift and THEN asking if the grandparents are ok with it after the kid already has his dirty paws all over it– putting them in the position where they can’t say no unless they want Micah to cry and run away again. Moral of the story, I expect many future Facetimes between Gunnar and the little shit with the top of the line cell phone. (Side note: Mom and Dad-I still have the 4S so if you’d like to surprise me with the newest model for throwing a tantrum I wouldn’t hate it.)

In lame story line land, Glen visits Juliette bearing candy and news that no one wants to pay her to sing or act but is she maybe interested in doing the noon show at Seaworld? She spends the rest of the episode reminding us once again that she’s having a baby as if we can’t SEE that buildings tremble when she walks by. Also apparently she has many months to go before baby…does this mean she’ll get bigger?! Have I mentioned that I never want to be pregnant?

Finally, we get the Bluebird concert we’ve all been waiting for. Rayna has gotten over her case of the flashbacks and invites Maddie and Daphne onstage to sing. She tells us so poetically that it brings a tear to my eye, “This song is called real life, cause that’s what we’re livin.” You mean to say that you’re not living fake life? Mind. Blown. It’s a sad song of course, because real life often is sad when the man you’ve loved your whole life but also avoided has liver cancer that you don’t know about. It’s the Bluebird comeback that we’ve been waiting for but I’m not so sure it’s the Bluebird concert that we deserve.

What we don’t deserve is the disbanding of the Maddie & Daphne dream team of harmonies. Teddy gets that and so he tells Jeff Fordham to kick rocks with that record deal. Fordham strong arms him like he’s some sort of southern Mafioso and not the sleazy record exec that porks girls half his age and gives them pills as a parting gift. And wouldn’t you know that the fast and loose lifestyle of Bachelor Teddy comes back to haunt present day Teddy. Don Fordham is swift to pull the “using the taxpayers money for sex” card aaaand Teddy’s pretty much screwed. Literally and figuratively. Hope Rayna understands that the price of their daughter is a few penetration sessions with a whore! Where do I sign?

A Few of My Favorite Things:

-“Touch my caramels and I’mma cut a bitch.” Is this something women are only allowed to say while pregs? Cause I’m pretty sure I’ve uttered that about my chocolate before…

-Tand(y)/(ie) and her fake buzzcut disappeared into Tandyland.

-There are about 4 gratuitous Taylor Swift shoutouts in this episode and I eat that shit right up. I don’t love Maddie comparing herself to Tay though. Nice try, little girl.

-“Rayna is a fading ball of gas to the comet that Maddie could become.” Epic sci-fi burn by the Fordster.

-Jeff Fordham losing his SHIT on his assistant this episode was kind of hot right? Like hurling shit and calling her an idiot all because he needs to find a new young pop star to bone? No, just me? Whatever.

-While Maddie is wah-wahing about how Deacon is ignoring her, Daphne zings her with “Maybe he has a life.” YEAH, take a hint for once, Maddie.