Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Before You Go Make Sure You Know”

Nashville-Season-3

First and foremost let’s all thank the network Gods for approving a season 4 of Nashville because otherwise how would we know if DEACON DIES?! Can you imagine if they left us with that predictable (literally I predicted it last week) cliffhanger ending and there wasn’t a season 4 to resolve it? I can’t even think about it… I just get too stressed.

As far as season finales go, this one was not stressful at all. In fact I would go so far as to say nothing actually happened…so we’re going to break it down in categories of things that I liked and things that I didn’t.

HIGHLIGHTS (Things I liked):

-Juliette completing her full transformation back to villain. This was real entertaining to watch. Girl’s completely over her intervention and doesn’t have time for the IT that ruined her life and her vagina. She stomps her finished album into Rayna with Bucky and Glen in tow and when they’re like heyyyy maybe slow your roll and tend to your fresh baby, she replies with “SCREW YOU, SCREW YOU, AND DEFINITELY SCREW YOU LADY!” No seriously, she called Rayna “lady”. I figured this was Juliette’s rock bottom until she went home and Avery tries to sugarcoat their bundle of joy and asks Juliette to sing to her so Juliette’s like fine give her to me betch, which casually turns into Mama Bear hurling a snow globe at her husband and baby’s bodies. NBD. Juliette’s like whoopsie lemme go grab a broom and Avery tells her to maybe GTFO. When she replaces the happy family snowglobe, Avery boohoos a lot and tells her that she’s sick and she needs to pick family or music and then he peaces out so that Juliette can glare into that crystal ball snowglobe, call up Luke and say Wheels up!

-Will sashays outta that closet which seems a little premature…oh wait never mind he’s been avoiding it for two full seasons at a standstill. SO IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. After hanging out with his dad who sees two men touch hands and declares that he’s lost his appetite (ironclad stomach), Will tries to convince his father and Luke that the pics just show a work retreat and he’s healed of the gay. He even asks boytoy to tell the press that bros caress each other shirtless on work trips all the time, duh. Until finally in front of the press Will says, “I called this press conference cause ya’ll got it wrong.” Har-Har. JK he follows that with I’m gay and I’m not ashamed. So here we are. Will loves his boyf and he’s gay and here to stay.

-Bev-D-O-Double G faces off with Rayna the only way they know how in Nashville…a sing-off. Just kidding, but Bev does move in on family harmonizing hour (every day between 4 and 5 duh.) and Maddie/Daphne are like omgeee we loveeee Aunt Bev as the Bevmonster throws Rayna a smirk and announces she’s staying in Nashville after the surgery. Rayna is forced to thank Bev profusely for what she’s doing and Bev is like yeah, whatever, turns out I’m the hero now (insert evil cackle).

-Teddy won’t give up Tandie’s name to the Feds, #LOYALTY, so he ends up going to the clink…but the real entertainment comes from his arrest going down on live TV and no one in his family even noticing because they care more about Deacon dying. Lawlz.

LOWLIGHTS (Things that were stupid):

-An actual scene from the Boyhood trailer (I never watched the movie..it looked boring, sue me.) coming to life in Deacon’s nightmares about dying with suuuuuper creepy music. Hey guys, I’m watching a soap opera about country music, not a horror movie, enough with the buried alive to creeptastic music.

-Juliette signing with Luke because she’s mad at everyone in her life, recruiting Fordham as her manager (because he hates kids too) and putting on a snooze worthy performance in a hideous skin tight joutfit. NOTHING compared to her previous rooftop banger. Also mended the rift between Fordham and Luke about Will being gay (why is this a thing…)

-Hot Doc invites Scarlett to move in with him and she immediately agrees and then immediately tells Gunnar.

-The return of Micah via Face Time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He’s all HEY MOM AND DAD CAN’T W8 FOR YOU TO VISIT. Gunnar wants to continue being illegitimate daddy to the little nuisance but told Kiley they shouldn’t kiss anymore.

-….Because Scarlett and Gunnar are still drawing out their inevitable porking and surprise to no one they write a lovely song togets and perform it at the hospital on the roof with the city lights all around them and their harmonizing leads to a smooch at the end. Yawn. The song (I Will Never Let You Know) is on par for their duets but I still hate them both.

–Jeff/Layla continue their power struggle when Fordham takes all technology away from Layla and also tells her she’s a heffer who should hit the treadmill. Layla smartens up a little and sneaks a voicemail from Rayna whose obviously worried about her being a casj prisoner of the Fordham jail and Layla gets curious so she sneaks onto The Google and somehow finds a picture of the EXACT moment Jeff gives passed out Layla side eye and sends the tweet from her phone. Weird how that very second was captured. Anyway, it inspires her to go Elin Nordegren on Jeffy’s car until he’s like I did it because I never want to lose you, slow dip, kiss, brainwashing to be continued next season. Yiikes. Does Layla have any redeeming qualities with her relationship choices? Don’t answer that.

THE “CLIFFHANGER”:

All of Deacon’s creepy dreams catch up to him before surgery and he’s like hey Ray Ray let’s do a quick shotgun right here in my hospital room pre-op. Rayna convinces him that he’s going to live and they’re going to grow old together (sweet), they say vows but don’t really get married (for the awww factor.) Deacon is put under to the same music from his dreams which like enough with that shit and he panics and in the final moments we see a monitor flat-lining and I pat myself on the back for my phenomenal prediction of how this episode will end. Hot doc comes out and says he has some bad news for Rayna. After hearing about how Deacon is DYING for a full season I almost want him to die so everyone will shut the hell up about it. But no…alas it will be Bev who bites it on the operating table (AFTER they snatch up that liver.) Why? Because if it’s one thing I know it’s that Nashville LOVES killing off the characters we already sorta don’t like. Teddy’s lying mistress Peggy eating a bullet, anyone? Lamar the swindling asshole having a heart attack? Pete the wife beater getting shot? Am I missing anyone? Anyway, the bitchy sister/terrible mom who didn’t even want to give up her liver to save her bro’s life in the first place seems like a hot candidate for the finale kill-off dontcha think? Until next season, folks. GUITAR RIFF.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Time Changes Things”

Nashville-Season-3

Well last week the storm had just begun, and if this week’s episode was supposed to be a shit storm it did not deliver. We had a few O-M-GEE moments and a whole lot of Deacon flashbacks but otherwise I would like to tell Nashville to amp it up right quick. Let’s talk shockers first then scuffle on about the stupid shit afterwards.

  1. Kiley-the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mom has made a triumphant return for that whiny ass kid of hers.Since she completely missed Gunnar’s you are NOT the father moment, she still thinks Micah is in Nashville. Gunnar’s all hey guess what you’re the worst person to ever live and I never want to see you again but then when he comes home several hours later she’s still hangin. Turns out Gunnar’s skeezy bro Jason actually raped Kiley at a party then comes baby in the baby carriage. BOOM. Plot twist. Due to this new and unfortunate news, Gunnar takes Kiley under his wing because he lives to cater to broken birds, Kiley sees this as a possible opening for a rekindling of their love, then she calls her son and he promptly hangs up on her. HA-HA betch. Future Plans:Kiley gets after Gunnar’s D. Possible fam reunion?
  1. Deacon walks in on Maddie and Colt doin tha na$ty in their Catholic school uniforms like a couple of teenage freeeaks. Maddie immediately turns on the waterworks and says it’s not what it looks like (a porno) and Colt quickly narcs that Maddie didn’t even want to, so it’s not her fault. Jeez, Colt, do the waistband tuck and cut your losses instead of ratting out your fifteen year old girlfriend for not wanting to put out right away. Maddie gets a country star-to-aspiring country star S-E-X chat later from Juliette who tells her if/when she does let Colt penetrate her, she hopes it’s for the right reasons. Maddie’s all you’re going to be such a great mom, Julez and Juliette gets a blank stare on her face as she remembers that she has a kid and panics. After Deacon has shaken out all of the awksies, he tells Maddie he’s just glad he’s ALIVE to have this moment with her, but he’s still totes telling Rayna that her daughter was caught slooting it up. Over in boy world, Luke’s sex chat with Colt is more like son, we all make mistakes *claps Colt on the back*.Future plans: These two will have sex and judging by what a cocky lil SOB Colt is, it will be terrible.
  1. Rayna sneaks on over to East Buhhole, America to pay a visit to Beverly and snatch up that healthy liver of hers.What we don’t get is a compliant, loving Beverly…what we get instead is a whole slew of flashbacks on a very Fonz-esque Deacon with a slicked back swoop hairstyle and a hideous joutfit getting his start in Nashville with Bev at his side. Not only did they cake makeup on Deacon to make him not look like he’s in his 40’s…they also brought back ugly hair Rayna and I had to shield my eyes from that atrocity of curls. Someone also called her Ray-Ray, so there’s that. Apparently there was a point to these flashbacks other than to show us how much more attractive these two are now that they’re famous and rich and that is to teach us how Beverly thought she was going to be bigger than Rayna James until Ray-Ray sashayed in and stole her bro. Unfortunately, instead of becoming the #1 country star, Bev became waitress by day, piano bar singer by night. She gives Rayna some real bitch eyes as she wails airport lounge music then basically tells Rayna she can go to hell for stealing her career. The shocker comes when Rayna finally remembers she’s dealing with a crazy person and hands Bev a check for a cool milli hoping it will change her mind. What a Bo$$ Ray Ray is, buying her lover’s liver. Future plans: With Bev’s heart of gold she’ll turn it down and do the transplant because Deacon is family. NAHHHTT. She’ll take that money and PEACE.
  1. Our little prostitute tattletale calls Teddy to inform him that she’s still cruising around Nashville a free woman and to turn this show into a horror movie by saying “They’re coming for you, Teddy.” Ok, girl. Let’s T it down with the dramats. Teddy snaps up his passport faster than you can say political scandal and starts packing his bags. His final goodbye to his girls before he hauls ass outta Nashville? Expensive necklaces from Tiffany’s to show how much he loves them. What a heartfelt guy. Right before he’s headed out, the US Attorney shows up to tell Teddy that he’ll drop all investigation and charges in exchange for a favor. BUT WHAT IS THE FAVOR? Cliffhanger, we’ll find out next week. Future Plans:Gonna go ahead and assume more illegal stuff. Cause that’s how Teddy rolls now.

Now onto less shocking things…Scarlett and her doc lover whose expiration date is the end of this season if not sooner kiss a whole lot and it’s super forced and obnoxious. Also Scarlett and Gunnar have another sexual tension fight. Deacon tells Juliette that he’s dying…is he gonna run out of people to tell soon? This repeated scene each week is getting EXHAUSTING. Layla and Fordham fight a whole lot because Layla has turned into a fame slut and Fordham is beginning to realize he hitched his wagon to this monster.

And finally our days with Jade St. John the hair unicorn are over, boo-hoo. In her final moments she goes from pink AND black hair to full-on magenta within hours…this chick is so versatile. It’s gonna be hard to let her go. Luke is visiting her mansion in LA as she prepares to throw a party with an inconvenient amount of bubbles in the air. They make out and talk about their favorite rom coms in front of a green screen of a tasteful ocean background. At her party later where Nashville doesn’t beat around the bush directly taking jabs at how stupid LA is, Jade pretends her house is like Vegas and doesn’t allow social media posts. But how will we know what the cool people are doing? Luke sees that Jade is wearing a literal palm tree on her body and is disgusted so he breaks up with her cause he’s just a cowboy from Kentucky, ya’ll. Layla shows up accentuating her puffy bangs (not in a good way) then has a dance floor BOMO with a celeb she was fangirling over. Fordham’s on suicide watch and finally has had enough when he tweets out a picture of slob kebab Layla and tags Jade in it like a baby bitch scorned lover.

Finally: BAMF moment of the night goes to Ms. Juliette Barnes over the top divalicious comeback. She demands roof access and a helicopter and then puts on one hell of a show while looking like a smoke in her sparkly mini and serenading Nashville with a fresh number. She gets all high on the juice from doing an illegal concert and goes for a little steamy elevator hookup with Avery. They get home to penetrate and obviously the baby starts crying during foreplay. Womp wompppp. Hide the knives.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Storm Has Just Begun”

Nashville-Season-3

Apparently Xtina had a little time between being being self-appointed captain of the Boys Club on The Voice and moving her hands in the air as she wails onstage because she’s back for more this week and it looks like next week too. Oh, goody. This week she has black hair, which really compliments her black face. No seriously, who applied her self tanner, is that even legal to show on TV?  She kicks it with Luke a lot and we find out that the reason for this is because she wants to make a country album and also she’d like for him to go Wheels Up all over her body. Luke says no thank you to the record deal but yes please to the wheels up. But not before Jade and Layla become BFF’s and team up against raging B Juliette.

Juliette returns from LA casj as can be and when Avery’s mom tries to hand her daughter over, Juliette does the Heisman on dat hoe and mutters some bullshit excuse about them looking comfy. She gets ready to leave again for her fundraiser where she’s hoping to make a comeback and pretend she didn’t push a baby out of her vag a mere weeks ago. At the fundraiser, Juliette goes on a rampage and starts feuding with Jade because Jade defends Layla. When the bidding starts for the live performance, Jade shells out $500K just to hear Layla sing. JK, she does it just to bitch slap Juliette with her money. Guess what? It works. Win, win for all of us is that they skip over Layla singing (because no one cares) and we just get to see a pop vs. country showdown just short of a hoedown. (That doesn’t make ANY sense but it rhymes. Nailed it.)

Notably missing from this big charade of a fundraiser is Rayna, Maddie, Deacon & Scarlett who are all in the hospital because Deacon is getting a new liver. The Rayna James Fam Squad was set to open the fundraiser singing This Time and although we saw a snippet of them rehearsing like the Partridge Family, happy as clams, they have to peace before the actual performance. (THANK GOD FOR MY EARS. THAT SONG SUCKS.) In their absence, Teddy and Luke bond over the I Hate Deacon (But Not Enough To Wish Death Upon Him) Fan Club and Teddy asks Luke if he’ll step in and duet with Daphne since she got the shaft like she always does because her sister is a melodramatic whiny teen with a big shadow. My all time favorite moment of the night (maybe this season? Bold statement) is when Daphne takes the stage with Luke and they sing Have A Little Faith In Me and she knocks it outta the park and is cute as shit. MORE DAPHNE, STAT!! I DEMAND it.

At the hospital, everything runs smooth as buttah, Deacon gets a fresh liver and then wakes up and him and Rayna write a duet about it with Maddie harmonizing as backup vocals. NAHT. Turns out Deacon is running a baby fever so they need to run tests AKA Deacon might lose the liver because we need to REAALLLYY drag this out. As Doc says “We’re going to sort this out as fast as we can.” Are ya, though, Doc? Are ya? Scarlett asks Dr. Hottie to just sweep it under the rug and snake that liver to Deacon no matter what. Hey guess what, with that, their relationship is now dead. Not that it was really going anywhere anyway. Then Doc’s all, hey everyone, it was just a sinus infection, lawls, take some Nyquil and let’s get you that liver! But then in true beating a dead horse fashion, Houston we have a problem…the liver was harvested and might have bits of cancer in it so DEACON IS STILL DYING (probably until the season finale.) Deacon, Maddie and Rayna all sob and pray to Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior that he makes it through. I think I speak for everyone when I say OH COMEEEEE ONNNNNNN.

Lots of tears this episode as Jade also gets all boo-hoo because Juliette told her she doesn’t belong in Nashville but don’t worry because Luke takes her to the Bluebird and random man onstage asks her up to sing and she’s like oh I don’t know, I’m terrified, OH OK. She sings a Luke song like the kiss-ass that she clearly is. At first she sounds like Britney in her Crossroads era getting up to do I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman (not a compliment) but with the help of her duet buddy it gets a lot better. Coincidentally Jade is wearing the same mini jean jacket that Xtina wore to the ACM’s on Sunday to perform with Rascal Flatts. Cause apparently pop star puts on a denim jacket made for a doll and BAM she’s country. Jade sashays that jean bolero back to her hotel room where the MOST AWKWARD kiss ensues between her and Luke. She confesses she used to kiss his poster from Y-14 magazine before bed every night until her sparkle lip gloss bled through the thin magazine paper and Luke is like let’s try it as humans instead and she says that’d be crazy great. CRAZY. GREAT. Girl go into hiding that’s so embarrassing you don’t even deserve to be smooched let alone boned.

Welp, that pretty much sums it up…what do we think will happen next week? Will Layla go on tour with Jade even though Jeff who acts like her dad but then tongues her FORBID her from going? Will Juliette continue to lie awake in bed plotting new ways to smother her newborn? Will Scarlett and Gunnar keep do-si-do-ing around the eventual bang sesh that will result from them dueting again? Will Daphne move in with Teddy because she doesn’t point out that she has two dads every second of her life like her obnoxious sister? Are Will and his boy toy going to keep shacking up for days in secret after Will barfed up all his feelings? MOST importantly, did I see a sneak peek of Colt giving Ms. Maddie the business? STAY TUNED.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: When Fordham sees Juliette at the fundraiser and says, “Been a while, when you gonna have that baby.” YES, bring back sassy Jeff, get rid of sulking scorned lover Jeff.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Nobody Knows But Me”

Nashville-Season-3

Since I know you’ve spent all week AGONIZING about what the future little diva of Nashville was named, the wait is finally over. Her name is Cadence, and she won’t stop wailing. Get it guys, cause like cadence is also a musical term and this show is about music and the writers are all about letting the general public do their job. They probably sat around the writers’ room and were like hmm, we can’t decide on a name for this baby that everyone won’t make fun of, let’s make our fans decide so we don’t take the heat if it sucks. Well anyway, back to Cadence the screaming infant. Avery read somewhere that babies like to be shushed so he shushes the little biddy and peaces out to be with the band leaving Juliette to glare at this screeching little metaphor for a musical phrase. Girl’s, makin music, alright.

Little miss insufferable teen, Maddie used to make music but now she just makes sweet, sweet puppy love to her boyfriend Colt. After Rayna catches them playing tonsil hockey, this time not as almost-siblings, Rayna goes to Luke to talk about it and he’s like yeah I’ve been supervising their mack seshes for weeks at the ranch, NBD. They have date plans to see pop star Jade St. John in concert and Rayna’s like uh-uh, honey because Maddie’s being a real dick and tells Rayna she doesn’t respect her.

Xtina throws on a wild pink wig and suddenly becomes Jade St. John. WHAT A NAME. Cotton candy head Jade apparently used to be engaged to Jeff Fordham and I’m guessing he turned her into a pop star and she was like I’ll take it from here, see ya later alligator. Now Layla wants to open up for Jade and Jeff has to come crawling back asking for a favor, showing us a softer side of the perpetually slimy Jeffster. It seems that Frenchy broke his little plastic heart and since she feels bad about how his life is a shithole now, she throws him a bone and lets Layla open for her.

In Deacon’s weekly meltdown about the CANCER that he HAS…Juliette recruits him to write a song for the Pasty Kline movie credits that she agreed to do in a day because she obviously has nothing better to do. Deacon sucks at songwriting now because he’s probably more concerned with staying alive or something. Juliette calls him out on it so he storms out and cries about how all anyone talks about is his CANCER. Then Maddie tells him that she always goes over to the ranch because Deacon is depressing AF and finally Deacon has a baby breakthrough and apologizes to Rayna for being a whiney pants and says, “Right now I’m pretty sick of being sick.” Yeah SAMESIES, DEACON. CUT IT OUT, WILL YA? Rayna tells him to bring Maddie (who also apologized) to the concert so that she can be rewarded with front row seats at a pop concert for her snotty behavior.

Gunnar, also in a snotty mood since Scarlett’s getting some and he’s not the one giving it, coins a nickname for her boyfriend—Dr. Dork. Hey Gunnar, why don’t you leave the nicknames to me, alright? Dr. Hottie and Scarlett are still mingling even though the duet of sexual tension went viral on YouTube and it’s all anyone can talk about. The Triple X’s get interviewed and all the guy wants to know is about Scarlett/Gunnar and Avery is only known as Juliette’s baby daddy. Yiiikez. They decide to throw a party where Gunnar wears a disgusting fedora and I’m wondering how exactly he thinks he’s going to win Scarlett over looking like an old-timer park ranger. Scarlett is as dry as the Sahara desert when she sees Gunnar so this is probably going nowhere for right now, which is good because Gunnar needs to shape up and stop acting like such a wiener. They play another fire flames song, which is really par for the course for them at this point—when are they just going to release a full album so I can binge?

At Frenchy’s concert across town, Rayna finds out that Layla hired Jeffy as her manager and kicks him while he’s down, telling him that Layla will soon enough realize he’s a dirt bag and fire him. OoOh WATCH YO BACK FORDHAM. Xtina, I mean, Jade, does what she should actually be doing because her acting is real sub-par and sings Beauty School Dropout jams out a banger, owning the stage even though she’s wearing an original costume from Hocus Pocus. Backstage things get super serious when Deacon tells Luke that he is a dead man walking and Luke’s like shiiitt now I’ve gotta be nice to you. They shake hands like men and Deacon for the first time says he’s going to beat this and it’s no biggie, which was much needed news because maybe it means Debbie Downer is done making appearances in Nashville.

While everyone is out party, party, hardy, Juliette is at home with that SPAWN Cadence. She’s trying to write this song and that kid of hers is really cock blocking her creative juices. Avery stops in just to tell her he’s going out to play a show and that Juliette cannot come with. Left alone with the screamer, she definitely thinks about murdering it but instead hires a nanny so that her kid survives the night. Avery comes home and sees someone actually adoring their child who is certainly not his wife and is a little peeved she hired a nanny without his permish. Juliette ends up taking off for LA to present the song and Avery is forced to quit the Triple X’s so that his baby has at least one parent because even though Juliette makes a women empowering, feminist statement about how we have it all figured out, what she really means is that she’s figured out that she doesn’t want to be a mom…whoopsie!

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In the land of the still locked tight in the closet, Will wants to ask his writing partner out, you know the one that he homophobically slammed before he met him, funny how the tables have turned. Will acts like a real pansy about asking him out and storms out when he sees him talking to someone else. In the end, they hang (inside, shades drawn) and make out a little bit, and Will is probably definitely absolutely not going to keep this a secret and then flip out and ruin things. Nope, not Will.

And Teddy…Teddy the naïve little cub who thinks that he can pay off a prostitute with dirty money and then hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s back to normal life I go, is about to have a rude awakening. His prosty demands to get half a mill in cold hard cash and Teddy’s like okey dokey, Smokey. Turns out the hooker DIDN’T have a heart of gold and has been working with the FBI to hand over Teddy in return for her immunity. Hope the sex was worth it Bach Teddy, cause it’s about to go DOWN. Now that Sadie the murderer is gone, we could use a little scandal in Nashville, and I for one cannot wait.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville-“This Just Ain’t A Good Day for Leavin”

Nashville-Season-3

If you had ever previously questioned that Rayna James, hair full of secrets, isn’t the Beyonce of Nashville, then this episode is for you. For all the Rayna doubters, let’s see you make up excuses for Rayna clearing someone of murder, delivering a baby and still getting home in time to tuck her daughters into bed. All in a day’s work.

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Sadie is under fire this week (not literally) from the Nashville PD for killing her ex-husband. It seems that Sadie saying on national TV that Pete wouldn’t get away with it PLUS owning an unregistered firearm just doesn’t add up so well. Instead of using her one phone call to snag a lawyer, she calls Rayna James, and you know what, after seeing Rayna take down a whole record label, I absolutely understand the logic of calling her to get out of murder charges.

Coincidentally, on the SAME day that Sadie decided to have a little parking garage shoot-up, Juliette planned an A-List baby shower, hosted by Rayna, obv. Unfortunately everyone famous bails (which conveniently allows Juliette to pretend she’s close with Miranda, Kacey and Carrie without ABC actually shelling out the big bucks for their appearances.) With red lips and side braid on fleek, Juliette has a meltdown, throws shit and rips Rayna a new one when she shows up. She shouts about being a low priority, “Somewhere below your precious little label and your stupid perfect hair.” OH NO SHE DIDN’T! Rayna loses her chill and tells Juliette to shut the hell up, which obviously forces Juliette to unload her amniotic juices all over the floor. All it takes is a Rayna hair flip and you’re going into labor. Don’t poke the beast, girl.

In problems that Rayna cannot solve with just one look, Gunnar is being a bitter bitch about Scarlett getting some. He calls her a loose goose for sleeping with the doc so soon and they have it out over him dating her bestie and her turning down the proposal. Rayna stomps one foot, the bus lurches and Gunnar and Scarlett are tossed into each other’s arms. Avery has to skedaddle to have a baby so the ole trusty duo is revived for lots of sexual tension onstage. It wasn’t my favorite song the two of them have done, they seemed to be drowned out by the music but Gunnar seems to think he can serenade Scarlett and they’ll fall into bed together. Hey Gunnar, we endured a whole season of you two crooning with sex eyes before you even kissed so let’s not jump the gun here (pun intended.) PS Scarlett burns him later and says all she felt was music.

Speaking of guns, Sadie spends the whole day after she’s released looking really terrible and being a little melodramats about finishing her record from jail. Turns out she is clear of all charges thanks to her boy Luke who didn’t want to spark things up with a convicted murderer, I guess. And with the biggest upset of the century, Sadie decides it’s time to hit the road and leave town to think about what she’s done. I’d like to personally ask the writers why they felt the need to add a useless character with a lame storyline and when they FINALLY spice it up with a little gun play and BFF betrayal love affair, they send her packing. For shame. I have a sly feeling she’ll be back though after she gives Luke an intimate hug goodbye before she chucks them deuces.

Finally, our “in case you missed it” piece of the episode, Deacon is DYING. Maddie is handling it by slamming her door like he just told her she can’t go to the mall and calling Teddy to come get her NOW. Daphne is handling it by asking what cancer feels like. These two are real peas in a pod. Teddy and Deacon have a moment when Deac tells Teddy that he is basically a skeleton walking this earth and it’s so heartwarming that it almost makes us forget that Teddy is currently blackmailing someone for half a mill so he can get his prostitute a one way ticket to Sleazeville where I assume her mouth will be duct taped shut.

If that image didn’t give you the warm and fuzzies, baby Javery (ew) has finally arrived and Juliette’s side braid is still fully intact after giving birth. She’s obviously trying to give Rayna’s locks a run for their money. Avery and Juliette sing a lullaby to their new little bundle and it’s so gagworthy and the harmonizing is so unrealistic for a quick baby sing-along that I actually laughed out loud. They leave us with a cliffhanger because they’ve finally decided what to name the baby but the general public clearly hasn’t finished voting on a name. GET TO WORK SO WE CAN FIND OUT HOW STUPID IT IS.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “I Can’t Keep Away From You”

Nashville-Season-3

We’ve returned to the very moment we left off at, and my predictions a few weeks ago of stuck in a rut and wait for it story lines are starting to come true…and some of them sooner than expected. I called out Rayna and Deacon and said they better get a penetration session in before Deacon dies and Nashville was obviously like WE HEARD! But more on that later, gotta keep you guys reading somehow. Let’s spark things off with the TRIPLE EXES.

The Triple Exes have hit the road to open for Rascal Flatts and coincidentally their first stop is the same exact city where Scarlett cowered under a piano and shrieked, thus beginning the DRAMATIC “I’m leaving Nashville” story line that inevitably led to her friendship with a homeless person and aggressive downfall of her character’s use on this show. WELL NOT ANYMORE BITCHES. Scarlett is back and she’s here to remind everyone that she can sing without having hallucinations onstage. She’s a little worried on their travels there and scared to perform again but then Gunnar makes it all better by telling her to take a selfie for Twitter. Thanks Gunz, you always know what to do. JUST KITTEN, Gunnar made it worse because then Scarlett discovered that twitter is for trolls who live in their mom’s basement and still use a Gateway desktop computer to tell everyone in the world how ugly they truly are. Scarlett learns this real quick and gets the sadsies for a second, then channels it into a kickass song, duh. Before hitting the stage, Scarlett and Gunnar have a moment and Avery comes over and senses some sexual tension as they stare at each other with their tongues out. Avery’s really astute. They get onstage and perform another banger (Triple Exes win every song this season) while Scarlett tells off those twitter trolls with a mean tambourine hip check. SURPRISE! Dr. Hottie flies to Chicago just to get to third base with Scarlett. Gunnar is pezzzzed and decides to make some moves to get back with her, except when he goes to her hotel room to declare his love, she’s already scampered on over to Dr. Hottie’s suite for a quick check-up.

In other couple news, Layla and Jeff Fordham are doing swimmingly as two lovebirds that also work together HAHA just kidding, they’re a disaster. Jeff forces Layla to interview with a blogger that he’s clearly sacked and when they start flirting at lunch in front of her, Layla causes a scene and says she’s over being just another slam piece to him and Jeffy’s like sorry grl, that’s my steeze. After he realizes Layla’s his meal ticket back to a career, Jeff comes back to apologize and try this thing fo realz. Good thing Layla actually comes to her senses and realizes she only ends up with guys who are incapable of loving her Alanis Morissette ass and tells Jeff they’re done for good except for this whole manager thing, so breaking up but still working together is obviously a great solution and will never ever cause a conflict.

Speaking of conflicts when it comes to the heart, Sadie Stone now wants Luke’s D. She comforts him for being dumped HARD by Rayna and he tells her she’s brave for talking about getting her ass kicked by Pete and suddenly there’s musical sparks and they’re having a dinner together with some hand touching. When he asks if he can walk her to her car she declines but probably instantly regrets it when Petey is waiting for her ready to pounce in a dark parking garage. Good thing Sadie’s packing heat from that very sketchy Jane Doe gun purchase that was probably illegal because he tackles her and she pulls the trigger, probably killing Pete because what’s Nashville without someone dying every few weeks? (Deacon…you’re next…) Luke finds this opportune time to pull up to the scene of the crime and be all WTF. Do you think he’ll comfort her in the wake of this trauma? You bet your bottom dollar, Sadie, congratulations girl because you just earned a spot on this show by killing someone and probably sleeping with your only BFF’s ex-fiancé. And if that isn’t a perfect setup for a country song, I don’t know what is.

Lastly we’ve got the full transformation from Bach Teddy to Guilty Teddy to Slimeball Teddy. It seems as though Teddy is becoming Lamar (Membs him? Rayna’s crotchety dad who was basically the sole member of the Nashville mob.) Teddy hires Lamar’s old creepy henchman to dig around little Ms. Call Girl’s house to confirm that she is in fact being watched. Turns out the feds have been on her tail for weeks forming a case for the prostitution ring and girl hasn’t ever once looked out her front window, seen a rape van and been maybe a LITTLE curious? Nah. She tells Teddy if she gets pinched she’ll sing like a bird and take him down too…unless of course he wants to give her a little hush money to hightail it outta here for a beat. Ah, the old gangster movie cliché. Do it, Teddy. I dare you. Obviously he’s going to do it because he’s a moron, but he’s also poor and gets Fordham in on it by blackmailing him for his money. I can’t wait for all this back door wheelin and dealin to end up on the front page of the Nashville Star, Teddy, you dirty dirty dog.

Ah here we are, the moment we’ve been waiting THREE WHOLE SEASONS FOR. Seriously, that’s how long we’ve shipped a Deacon-Rayna porking. Good God, for a show that kills off a new character every season, they sure as hell move slow. But we already knew that didn’t we? I’m looking at you, Will “I’m still hiding the gay” Lexington. But I digress, we pick up with Rayna and Deacon at the house in the woods sobbing over the cancer and stuff. Rayna promises she’ll be here for him and said she’ll wait with him and they’ll face it together. Deacon’s like nah girl, I’m going solo…to heaven. WAIT IS DEACON DYING?! NO WAAAYYYY! He reminds us again when he throws a child like temper tantrum, stomps his feet and shouts that it’s his decision and he doesn’t want pity or help from Miss Rayna James. He just doesn’t want to put her through that when he’s already put her through a windshield in season 2, heyyooo. Also while we’re discussing rough times for these two, might I so boldly point out that this little cabin or whatever does NOT agree with their hair. Deacon has a super weird middle part sitch and this is one of the very few times I’ve seen Rayna’s mane of glory looking quite drab. Can we get hair and makeup out here right quick? Not the time? Oh, ok. Rayna properly responds to Deacon’s wah-wahing by smashing the shit out of his guitar to show that like cancer is probably more important than music. He Eeyore’s a little more about if he lives they can hang but he probably won’t and finally Rayna says knock it off, YOLO, it’s time for us to be together now that we have a deadline. Then they make out a little and later we’re treated to Rayna’s O face. Thanks for that, ABC. Surprisingly, Maddie didn’t appear in the window with a set of binocs. They go home immediately and tell her and she obviously goes apeshit and they have a nice family hug anddd guess what YOUR DAD IS ALSO DYING. Kind of a harsh day for Mads, huh? Extreme highs and lows like nobody’s biz. Great parenting all around. Don’t worry though everyone will get their happily ever after until Deacon bites it (he won’t.) What we should be MORE concerned about is that Nashville is giving the viewers the power to name Juliette and Avery’s baby. IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS A GOOD IDEA?! BTW their story line this week was all one big ad for Face Time. Hmm, now that I’m thinking of it THAT’S PROBABLY WHAT AMERICA WILL NAME THEIR BABY. Lil baby Face Time. Born to be a star.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “That’s the Way Love Goes”

Nashville-Season-3

Another week, another episode where Rayna runs shit and everyone else is circling the drain. I’m going to try something new this time around mostly because it pains me to have to type out sentences like, “this week Scarlett brought hot doc a latte.” We’re going to break it down by stuck in a rut story lines vs. story lines that will eventually go somewhere but not for another 3 weeks/the last five minutes of the season finale.

Stuck in the Snoozies:

-Luke pairs Will up with a notoriously gay writer to work on some new songs and Will peers out of the closet just long enough to say, “The last thing I need is someone to see me around town with some swishy gay dude.” SRSLY? When they finally write together, Will acts like a REAL secretly gay douchenozzle. Eventually they bang out a song together and here we are again in a cycle of Will tormenting himself which will eventually lead to a secret hookup and more tormenting. I’m not one to normally start a “JUMP” chant when someone’s on a ledge but seriously dude…JUMP.

Rut Factor: Infinity

-Juliette doesn’t even appear in this episode leading me to believe she’s outskis until she pops that superstar out of her hoo-ha. Unfortunately they still feel the need to pretend she’s actually around by telling everyone she has insomnia and keeping Avery awake. This leads to a very cringe worthy scene where Gunnar shows up unannounced and Avery almost slices his throat because HE WAS NOISY and could’ve woken up the sleeping bear in hibernation that is his wife and might attack.

Rut Factor: Full until the pregnancy is over

-Sadie is doing press for the new album and GMA wants to ask her about her deadbeat ex hubs and his lawsuit. After crying about it a whole lot and calling Rayna to cry about it some more, she finally reveals to Robin Roberts that he was abusive and she’s not going to stay quiet about it anymore. Yawn yawn yawn. This story line was interesting for one single week. If she doesn’t get something else going for her soon I would like to see her get a one way bus ticket to the island of dead end characters so she can grab a marg with Zoey, Tandy, and Kiley and talk about how predictable and boring their lives are.

Rut Factor: 100. No more Sadie Stone please.

-Scarlett goes on a date with Hot Doc, he takes her to a fancy restaurant and orders a classy bottle of wine. Scarlett is the hick to Doc’s city boy. He’s from the Upper East Side and she’s from Miss-ippi. No really, that’s actually how she pronounced it…since when did she become Brandi-Lynn from Podunk, Population: No Teeth? Then she recites everything she’s been readin’ from the journal of meddy-sin and hot doc is like this date blows let’s shake hands and part ways. Scarlett later apologizes with coffee (enough with the coffee shtick) and serenades him at her gig and they seal it with a smooch.

Rut Factor: 10. This relationship is just buying time for Scarlett and will end in roughly 2 weeks. Gurl needs her music back stat…(see “wait for it” for future action on that.)

-Deacon is still DYING, guys. Dying. Dead soon. It’s interesting how he only had like 2 weeks to live and I feel like we’ve been watching him die for months.

Rut Factor: Maximum. He’s not going to die. Enough with these shenanigans and his general Eeyore act.

Wait for It…:

-The band formerly known as Zoey’s meal ticket fully reunites and they even get a gig opening for Rascal Flatts. The BIG drama is that they still don’t have a name. After Gunnar takes it WAY too seriously (because this is his only shot at actually singing in front of people) they shout a lot of stupid words trying to find the right one and then hot doc calls them the Exes and boom they’re now the Triple X’s because they’ve all swapped fluids at one point or another. Speaking of swapping fluids, Gunnar is clearly still in love with Scarlett because when she kisses Dr Hottie (I’m seriously not bothering to learn his name) he stares at her like a reaaaal creep. Obviously this puts them in the “wait for it” category because they’ll draw this out for several weeks until eventually they recycle the Scunnar (ew..we’ll work on that) love story.

Time stamp: Finale= Scunnar Reunion

-Layla and Fordham are still doing the dirty, this time on her kitchen counter because nothing gets them fired up like a fight over music labels. Fordham tells her she’s fat and shit because he’s not her boyfriend, he’s her manager so it’s totes kosh. They work together deviously to sneaky release a single for Layla on iTunes which ends up working out for her professionally but these two togets is a ticking time bomb, which lands them in this category. Layla is trying to be coy and cute and say she doesn’t want to be seen in public with Jeff because everyone hates him.

Time Stamp: A moment’s notice before these two explosively unravel.

-Creepy Teddy avoids his prosty all week until she shows up at Rayna’s 10 year Opry concert and tells him there’s a van outside her house and they’re both SCREWED so HA. Teach him to start answering her calls! This has gone on far too long, I better see a salacious headline soon.

Time Stamp: 2 episodes

-The incest couple of Colt and Maddie LIVES ON. Colt wants to see Maddie perform at the Opry and is all Wheels Up dad, you’re coming too! Luke wants to slit his wrists watching Rayna and Deacon but he does it just so his son can get a little tail. Respect. While Rayna and Deacon duet onstage, Colt and Maddie gaze into each other’s eyes stage left because their love is also like the moon, except more incesty. Colt decides he’d like to move home to be close to his dad AKA be close to his almost-sister for some romancing.

Time Stamp: These two are HEATING up, more action to come!

-The Rayna and Deacon love story is at a rut always… but by the end of this episode is progressing into movement, to the funeral parlor. After Maddie tries to play matchmaker like a little weirdo, Rayna finally calls Deacon and is like HEY, it’s ME! And Deacon’s like oh uh I know your name comes up on my phone so uhhhhh mystery solved. HAHAHAHAHA Be. More. Awkward. Anyway Deacon is invited to hit the stage with his fam squad for Rayna’s big show at the Opry. He shows up, plays guitar with the girls and THEN Rayna grabs Deacon’s hand and asks him to sing with her and Maddie witnesses and clearly needs to change her undies. They sing a terrible duet that I wish I didn’t have to sit painfully through but the people in the audience are clearly digging it as they passionately sway their heads and cry like it was “Glory” at the Oscars or something. Deacon promptly bows and Irish goodbye’s that shit right quick. He’s gotta go to heaven now. Just kidding he went to his secret cabin and Rayna shows up, tells him not to leave her anymore and he FINALLY says he’s a dead man walking and she slaps him silly then hugs him. Gawd I hate that cliché slap-hug. If I ever slap anyone then expect him to embrace me with open arms please cut my hands off because I should not have that privilege any longer.

Time Stamp: These two better get one bang in before Deacon kicks rocks. Just kidding this will obviously drag out until the finale.

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