Category Archives: Pop Culture

Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2017

Ah Halloween, the red carpet of holidays. Let’s judge this year’s crop of offensive, slutty, cute and over the top costumes from those who don’t need to Pinterest “DIY costumes from your closet” because they have hair, makeup and wardrobe at their disposal.

First thing’s first let’s get it out of the way up front so there’s no confusion. It’s not even a contest who won Halloween this year.

FullSizeR

If you thought for a second that I wasn’t going to include myself in this list like the narcissistic ahole that I am, you’re an L-7-WEENIE. Wendy & Squints fooooooorrrreeeeeVVVerrrr. Seriously. No one ever do this costume again because you can’t compete with us.

kim-kourt

My hate for the Kardashians is ever present but credit where credit is due, this costume killed.

alessandra-ambrosio

We get it. You’re a model. You have abs.

jon-hamm

Even men in Hollywood pull the bullshit I don’t really feel like dressing up so I’m going to wear what I usually wear and call it a costume. Not cool, Jon Hamm.

kim-kardashian

This probably isn’t the time to be doing this but can I voice my concern for Jonathan’s face these days? Does it still move?

ariel-winter

Because why wouldn’t her bhole be out? All skeletons wear fishnets and an asshole-eating leotard.

adele

I’m not sure what the end game was here but applaud the effort.

paris-hilton

If you had told me this pic was from 2002 I would’ve believed it because I bet Paris has worn this exact costume before. Also JASMINE HAS DARK HAIR. PICK A BLONDE PRINCESS. IT’S NOT THAT HARD.

karlie-kloss

Can’t go wrong with the classics.

demi-lovato

SELENASSSSSSSSS ❤ I’ve already declared my fangirling for Demi recently so obviously I support.

jennifer-garner

The fact that Jen Garner probably Amazon primed a bunch of pizza cat-wear makes her so relatable and more loveable than she already was. PS in case you couldn’t tell by my strongly hinted undertones: Ben Affleck is a foooooool.

rita-ora

Damn, gurl.

rachel-bryan

Ugh, these two are still together? Bryan WOULD be the most famous playboy known to man. Rachel should’ve been Beyonce and that SEEMS PRETTY OBVIOUS.

willpoulter

It’s almost alarming how much this guy already looks like Sid. Way to play into it.

gma-halloween

GMA cast went full superhero. Playing it safe.

klg-hoda

Sometimes I wish I was still unemployed so I could see an off her rocker KLG do a Miley impression.

lauer

This year’s installment of Matt Lauer really wishes he were a woman. (Also my mom hates Matt with the fire of a thousand suns and ALSO Dolly Parton so this year’s combo must’ve left her shook.)

roker

Black Willie Nelson. I dig. Remember when Al pooped his pants at the White House? People don’t forget.

strahan

I’m like oddly into Michael Strahan with long locks.

aubrey-oday-halloween

WTF.

gabrielleunion

I’m so jelly of all the celebs that can do awards show looks with the exact same wardrobe.

jessia-alba

This is such a perfect pregnancy costume, no matter how old Juno is.

kristen-bell

Lololol that Kristen’s kid made her dress up as Elsa. Sucks to suck, Anna.

nphfam

NPH’s family never disappoints. The pageantry is unreal.

Queen of DIY Halloween costumes going evil this year. Wish I could’ve seen her little nugget as a Dalmatian.

HERE HE IS!!! Worth it.

Image-1

View this post on Instagram

🦄

A post shared by Isla Fisher (@islafisher) on

Slob kebab unicorn?

View this post on Instagram

Georgie!! Georgie!! #HappyHalloweenFolks 🎈🎈

A post shared by LeBron James (@kingjames) on

Holy. Shit.

View this post on Instagram

Is it over yet?

A post shared by Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) on

Sick costume, Lena.

This is awesome. The matching grey beards seal the deal.

Kimmy K’s third costume took a lot of heat. PS where the F is Kanye?

Other than Heidi Klum, here’s the most over the top Hollywood Halloweener and I’m terrified every single year.

View this post on Instagram

#strangerthings have happened #happyhalloween

A post shared by Sarah Hyland (@sarahhyland) on

Oh hey guys, Wells is dating Sarah Hyland. Also Sarah Hyland IS the little boy from Stranger Things.

TBH, Tay’s new material opened the door for a WHOLE LOT of costumes and this is the only one I’ve seen so far. I’m a little disappointed!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Ba6qmf8j9rA/?hl=en&taken-by=kellyripa

Ryan pulling a Matt.

Welp, you can’t unsee this.

Natch the Timberlakes nailed it. Where are they trick or treating though…the woods?

View this post on Instagram

Willie & Waylon #Halloween2017

A post shared by Jessica Simpson (@jessicasimpson) on

Love that Jessica could basically go as herself in daisy dukes forever but she decides to dress up as an old crusty man.

What a shame to cover Chan’s face.

I thought about doing this costume but didn’t want to do intricate deer face makeup. Totes overlooked the opportunity for a onesie.

I ❤ that Jessie basically points out how much these costumes suck.

Whoa that’s accurate.

These two look like literal wax figures. Also no baby bump….not for nothing but THIS WHOLE PREGNANCY THING SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT.

kylie-jenner

Speaking of fake pregnancies…I’m onto you Kris Jenner.

jwoww

This is adorbsies. Kudos to JWoww. Never thought I’d say that.

fergie

Aww Tink & Peter. And Tinks’ fanny pack.

coco

A firefighter….rrrrrighttt.

gigi-zayn

I hope this was just a premature camera shot because I don’t want to live in a world where Gigi’s boyfriend can’t even lift her. Come on, Spiderman Zayn.

giselle

Look at that goofy ass face on Tom Brady dressed as an avocado. Priceless.

propertybros

People can BARELY tell you apart and you dress as the same costume on Halloween?!

heidi-klum

Seriously? Could Heidi Klum’s costume reveal be more overrated every year? WE WAITED FOR A WEREWOLF?!

And cutest costume of the year goes to…

My little nugget oinker niece who crushed it without even being amused.

 

Standard
Movies, Pop Culture

Top Ten Dance Movie Montages

Since I pretty much air out all of my guilty pleasures on this blog, I don’t even know if I can call them guilty pleasures anymore. So this one’s for my fellow loud and proud CHEEZY dance movie lovers. If there’s a movie centered on the art of dance, you can pretty much bet I’ll be watching. It’s my year-round Hallmark holiday movie, so to speak. A love story mixed in with some bada$$ choreography. I like to pretend that I too, could’ve been a professional dancer but unfortunately my elementary ballet with Miss Louise, followed by 2 years of “Jazz” classes in middle school and ending in a Radio Disney dance team tryout where I couldn’t even remember the steps they taught us five minutes prior ended that dream real quick.

FullSizeR

I learned to accept that my best moves will come out between the hours of 11 PM and 4 AM after approximately 100 bud lights. It’s a shame they never created a feature on my Jersey turnpikin’ skillz at the club in college. (There’s still time…) Either way, I’ve learned to truly appreciate a bangin final dance number or montage, the best of which I’ve outlined below.

10. Footloose

 

Footloose is rounding out the caboose because to be perfectly honest it was before my time and I’ve never actually seen it. It may dishearten a few to hear that I’ve only seen the remake with Julianne Hough and Kenny Wormald. HOWEVER, knowing the history of dance movies, it would be preposterous to leave off the movie centered on a town that BANNED DANCING from this list. So here’s a fun look at when a boy just needs to dance out his feelings, even though he could be arrested for it. #Rebel.

9. Honey

 

Hoodrat Jessica Alba is the only version I wish to know. From the gold nameplate necklace to the way that she says “we peoples”, I CANNOT LOOK AWAY. Girl gets exclusive beats from DJ Scratch for pete’s sake. And don’t even get me started on how she rocks that “just wear the sleeves” fashion with some baggy camo pants. Honey’s such a good choreographer that she turns someone falling into a dance move! In all seriousness, this movie is #9 because I expect no one who hasn’t seen it yet to ever watch it. It’s embarrassing at best and that’s saying a lot for a movie that features Jadakiss as a “top celebrity”. Bottom line is that you watch this to laugh at Jessica Alba acting street and being the most sought out choreographer in the rap industry. It’s the little things in life that bring me joy. This movie is one of them.

8. Save the Last Dance

 

Save the Last Dance is that tried and true, mix up a guy from the wrong side of the tracks with a straight laced nerd. I wish Julia Stiles wasn’t such a cream cheese white awkward bird in this movie because 90% if it is cringeworthy. Her wearing a Gap cami and french braids to the club was level 10 embarrassing. A ballet and hip hop mashup should always be appreciated though and that’s why her Juilliard try out made the list. Nothing will ever top your black boyfriend teaching you how to booty pop, grl.

7. High School Musical 3

 

Although the High School Movie franchise is not technically part of the dance genre, it still counts because Zac Efron’s got moves for daaaays. Real talk, I don’t think I’ve ever faced anything quite as difficult as just choosing one dance number from the 3 HSM movies. Do I go with a Troy Bolton emo solo where he’s contemplating basketball versus theater in the halls of his high school? Tempting for sure. Instead I settled for the duet between these two wildcats. Vanessa Hudgens’ legs look real bangable and it’s no wonder her boyfriend wants to spin her around the rooftop just to ask her to prom. Seriously did you see how effortlessly he swooped her into the air? Sigh.

6. Dirty Dancing

 

A classic that should never be revisited (I’m talking to you, ABC) and of course the famous lift that every girl wishes her boyfriend could flawlessly perform. Seriously, guys, it shouldn’t be that hard to toss us above your head and hold us there while you spin. May Patrick Swayze and those sassy hips rest in peace as his memory lives on forever through (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life. We owe it all to you.

5. Grease

 

If I’m gonna slobber all over nobody putting baby in a corner, you bet your ass that Sandy in her bad gurl leathers was making this list. She puts her hussy pants on and is suddenly ready to shimmy it up for her man. I’m only a little jelly of her legs in those pants. Ok fine I’m a lot jelly. (If you’re noticing a trend here with me drooling over every female leads legs, you’re not wrong.) Everyone whose anyone knows that the shake shack is the best part of this routine and it’s not even up for debate.

4. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

 

We’ve now arrived at one of the most underrated 80’s dance flicks of all time. SJP and Helen Hunt in their infant years when they were fresh on the Hollywood scene. If you haven’t seen this movie I suggest you watch it immediately if you want to be respected as a theatrical dance movie aficionado. SJP is a catholic school girl with a nazi dad and her counter part is OBV a bad boy but they become dance partners competing for a spot as COVETED Dance TV regulars. Although the tryouts and the final DTV competition are stellar in their own right, it would’ve been an injustice not to include this VERY 80’s dance/falling in love montage from the middle of the movie. My sister used to be so obsessed with this scene that she would rewind the ole VHS and replay it roughly 15 times before we could move on to the rest of the movie. Enjoy the classic beach silhouette lift and throwback Pepsi can mixed in with lots and lots of gymnastics.

3. Step Up 2 The Streets

 

It may surprise you that I don’t have the original Step Up and the spark of Channing and Jenna’s love on here. I like to toss in a curveball every once in a while to keep everyone on their toes. Here’s the second installment (every Step Up that follows this are white hot garbage) where having a dance crew and performing out on the streets is WAY cooler than getting into some lame arts school. They prove it too by dancing outside to trunk speakers IN THE RAIN. Whoa. The reason this dance is so high on the  list can pretty much be narrowed down to one baller move and that is OBVIOUSLY when what’s his face does the heart beat over what’s her face. I’m not proud of it but I spent far too much time one night in college trying to perfect that move with one of my roommates. Unfortunately rhythm is necessary for nailing that to a beat, but whatever. A for effort.

2. Magic Mike

 

This one’s for all my LAAADIEZZZZZ. (I mean, technically they all are, but we’ll pretend it’s just this one) Essentially the only takeaway from Magic Mike is the Pony dance and that’s pretty freaking obvious. I don’t really think I need to say anything else.

1. Center Stage

 

The queen bee of dance movies is Center Stage. They barely even hired actors for this, they just straight up trolled the American Ballet Company for dancers to play themselves. Never did I ever think a ballet performance could be interesting enough to contain a saucy sex scene but that’s just what Cooper, bad boy of ballet, does. This performance was 10 minutes long and I am continuously riveted for every single minute. Boys fighting over a girl, motorcycles onstage, all the way to her flawless red lip, dreadlocks finale. WHAT A WHIRLWIND. This dance number has everything I could have ever hoped and dreamed and that’s why it’s the GOAT. Even I was like hey, should I maybe become a ballerina by the end of it. Then I remembered how they basically chop their toes off to stand on wooden blocks for 90% of every day and I was out. PS do NOT try to make boys watch this movie. They will revolt and ruin every precious moment of this badass final dance. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

Standard
Pop Culture, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2016

YAASS YAAASSS more, more, more beautiful young people strutting their T&A all over my TV. But seriously, last night marks the annual outpouring of girls on twitter crying that they don’t have VS angel bodies, while also snapping pics of the pizza box next to them. This year, instead of doing the same, I came full circle through my stages of grief and landed on acceptance. I accept that I will never have a model body and that I went out for beers and fried pickles last night instead of going to the gym AND I FEEL GR8 ABOUT IT. I also now really want a pair of over the knee suede boots. So thank you, Victoria’s Secret. We’ve come a long way. Also here are five things that made me laugh in the one hour that I watched half naked biddies strut.

1. DOG purses featured in a FASHION show with LINGERIE. 

screen-shot-2016-12-05-at-11-45-31-pm

Hey girrrrrls, you know what’s super sexy? Doing a cute little shimmy in your sheer teddy for your boyfriend then grabbing something out of your purse shaped like a dog. Why is Pink allowed in the same show that features girls letting us inspect their labia on the runway, essentially? It must end.

2. What replaces wings?

fullsizer-1

 

Still not as good as last year’s literal firecrackers strapped to a model’s back, but getting stuck with the wheel of fortune ISN’T GREAT. Also, an actual dragon.

1024x1024

3. Musicians + Models=Awkz.

screen-shot-2016-12-05-at-11-35-03-pm

I cringe at this year after year and they still never learn. The musicians try so hard to interact with the models and they quite literally can’t comprehend what to do. It then results in some awkward stand-offs and weird hand clasps. Lady Gaga takes the cake this year when she charged at the model with the giant black wings like a bull and weirdly froze and stared at another one. I expected nothing less from her.

4. Bruno Mars is a grain of rice on the runway.

brunosheels

Seriously, he’s wearing high heels and these models are still twice his size. I mean, I knew he was short but damn it was like a performance by the Borrowers. THAT FUR COAT ISN’T DISTRACTING US FROM YOU BEING THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN EASILY RUN UNDER AN ANGEL’S WINGS! 24K Magic still bangs though.

bruno

5. Eat your heart out, Weeknd.

Bella Hadid makes her debut, gets a killer outfit instead of the typical first year “no one wanted to wear this” number and then struts that ass on by her ex-boyfriend who basically crawls up her buhhole as she passes. Sidebar: She also ate a banana in slow-mo this week in a porny 80’s aerobic video for Love Advent, so she’s really living her best life. (I know that because it was a headline on People…and also I watched it.) Anyway, Bella-you do you, girl. Maybe with a little more personality though? Just a friendly suggestion from one professional model to another.

screen-shot-2016-12-05-at-11-28-44-pm

 

Bonus: This is what front row of a fashion show looks like.

img_9622

Double Bonus: GIGI ❤

fullsizer

And last but not least, to all the ladiezZz who were boohooing into their ice cream last night. Take solace in the fact that Irina Shayk walked the runway preggers with Bradley Cooper’s baby, and still had a flatter stomach than I ever will. The end.

irinashaykirina

Standard
Pop Culture, Uncategorized

Celeb-oween 2016

As per tradish, here’s a rundown of all the celeb costumes I could find — from offensive, to naked and everything in between. And of course, the winner of this year’s “accidentally racist” costume that they immediately needed to issue an apology for is…….

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

YIKES. Outta left field with that one! Didn’t expect sweet ole Hil (who dressed as a basic bitch black cat last year) to fall for this trap.

Also to be clear, every gossip site who described her getup as a “sexy pilgrim” costume should also be issuing apologies because there is nothing sexy about a pilgrim.

View this post on Instagram

Miss Piggy & Kermit. My OG @allymaki

A post shared by Colton Haynes (@coltonlhaynes) on

Colton Haynes has been creepin up on Heidi Klum as Halloween extraordinare but enough is enough. I understand that Miss Piggy as a character is a slutty pig, but that doesn’t mean we need to see her naked, playboy style. TOO FAR, COLTON.

View this post on Instagram

Ok last one I promise 🦄🦄🦄🦄

A post shared by Jenna Dewan (@jennadewan) on

This year’s unicorn costume SLAAAYYYYY.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMIf0TsgX_S/?taken-by=nicolerichie

Enough time has passed since the incident for this to be ok. Hil, take notes. Getting mauled by a tiger? Give it some time and then ease back into it. Native Americans, on the other hand? Always a no.

No clue what this is supposed to be.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMNB8iEDcRw/?taken-by=therealsarahhyland

Hey what’re you dressed as tonight? Fairy Queen of the Swamp.

View this post on Instagram

Tinkerbell is a spunky one ✨💫✨

A post shared by Candace Cameron Bure (@candacecbure) on

What a perfect costume for CCB. Prayers to whoever is rocking those giant feet next to her.

My fave couple killing it power ranger style.

View this post on Instagram

About last night 🤘🏻#CasamigosHalloween

A post shared by Cindy Crawford (@cindycrawford) on

Fam Goalz.

View this post on Instagram

Creep like a Ninja

A post shared by Glen Powell (@glenpowell) on

Glen Powell, better known as Chad Radwell with my favorite costume of the year. HI-YAHHHH.

Always a good time to throw it back to Alfalfa.

Whoa.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMLMmcBBjtg/?taken-by=scoutlaruewillis&hl=en

WTF IS THIS?! I’ve never wanted to unsee something more.

View this post on Instagram

have you ever seen a more "why me?" face 😭

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on

View this post on Instagram

Needs more flair

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on

Baby Luna CRUSHED Halloween. See Chrissy’s insta for no less than 1000 pictures of the little nugget modeling different costumes.

Speaking of nuggets, here’s ole smooth moves over here as Marty McFly.

As always, winners of the fam costume.

 

ariel-winter3

And so we begin the “friendly” portion of Halloween. Playboy bunny from someone who I wouldn’t be surprised to see a sex tape from in 2017.

bellathorne

You know how cowgirls love to wear their lingerie with a bedazzled belt over it.

screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-11-14-50-pm

I’m not following on this number for Julianne Hough.

SHE WORE THIS WITH HER CHILDREN. THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS.

xtina

I’m torn here. This is so spot on but like also tone it down with the skankwad costumes every year, girl.

screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-11-30-26-pm

Thanks for showing us your nips.

tara-reid

Ah yes, of course. “Santa”. If Santa had never seen a cookie in his life and also wore sparkly hot pants.

screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-11-25-24-pm

It felt right to follow up the sexy anything segment of this blog with Mindy’s Cap Sully costume. Which of course, is the opposite of sexy.

bette-midler1

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!

beyonce-blue

Bey & Blue in an ode to Salt n Pepa

Celebrities attend Kate Hudsons annual Halloween Party in Los Angeles

Katy Perry upgrading from the time she dressed as a literal cheeto, to full-on Hil. Not sure why Orlando Bloom is Trump instead of Slick Willy. Pretty weird coups costume dynamic.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

LC Queen of DIY Halloween with another banger.

"Matthew Morrison hosts his 7th Annual Halloween-Birthday Party Presented by Freixenet Cava and Podwall Entertainment at Hyde, Los Angeles"

Nina Dobrev’s “I’m a complete dope” face really completes this costume.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

Real life Ryan Lochte went for terrifying this year.

screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-11-15-29-pm

Is this a real rabbit because it is creepy AF.

screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-11-14-10-pm

Zach Braff looks like a babe soda

amy-schumer7

Stranger Things from Amy & her hot boyf. Truth bomb, that hairstyle doesn’t look unrealistic with Amy’s face.

kellyripa

Only time will tell if everyone gets outraged at Kelly for dressing up as Beyonce. Seems like a touchy subject lately. Cough cough, Amy Schumer.

gma

Hard pass to Michael Strahan as Pikachu.

screen-shot-2016-10-30-at-11-28-37-pm

Well this is, interesting.

leo

LEO! WHY COVER THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE OF YOURS?!

carsondaly

Nothin’ quite like dressing up as your younger self and realizing how old you are.

demi-nick

Demi looks like a dime.

today-halloween-2016

Today Show tackled the 90’s, which of course I approve.

matt-laurer-today-halloween-2016

Is this the first year Matt has dressed as a male character?

pup

Even the Today Show pup is killin it.

tamron

Seems a little early in the morning for a hooker costume, but whatevs.

roker

Did I doooooo thaaaaaattt?

regkathieleehoda

I cannot and will not stop laughing at Kathie’s Reg face.

bush

Jenna Bush mailing it in and “dressing up” as her Grandma.

ellen-degeneres

Ellen and a very low key Heidi Klum as Sia and Maddie. Tough look to have multiple Sia’s in the daytime TV world.

theview

I already posted a solo shot of Candace as Tink, but it’s necessary to look at the whole cast of The View. Did they not learn ANYTHING from Today Show’s abomination of Peanuts last year? CARTOONS DON’T WORK IRL. This is what nightmares are made of.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

End of the day update (since I guess people actually dress up ON Halloween…whatever.)

WAY better than the power rangers. Cause, Doodle.

screen-shot-2016-10-31-at-10-40-12-pm

We get it, Mario. You’re ripped.

screen-shot-2016-10-31-at-10-38-05-pm

Enough with the Trolls. The movie isn’t even out yet and JT’s been hawking it since May. Also, those feet.

screen-shot-2016-10-31-at-10-37-42-pm

Saw a lot of Lochte but didn’t see any Phelps face and I ‘preciate this. Gabby on the other hand is SO four years ago.

screen-shot-2016-10-31-at-10-35-29-pm

It’s not fair.

screen-shot-2016-10-31-at-10-34-51-pm

Do better Tay. I mean, I get that you’re bragging that you know Ryan Reynolds by wearing the actual costume, but also the squad can do better than a bunch of basic costumes. Especially when you’re all rich AF.

screen-shot-2016-11-01-at-8-10-30-am

Channing COULD NEVER be the beast.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMQTZoXB5d-/?taken-by=beyonce

Barbie dreams come true. But that second Insta Blue is CLEARLY like ok enough pics let’s go get some G-D candy now.

And for the big reveal…Heidi Klum’s infamous costume this year that she built up for FAR TOO LONG is

Taking a page out of Kimmy K’s book from last year, Heidi dressed up as herself then took it one step further and dressed up 5 other women like herself, complete with face prosthetics. Kewl.

Standard
Pop Culture, Television

The Hills: That Was Then, This Is Now

It’s been 10 years since The Hills taught me that moving to a city in your twenties is equivalent to being a celebrity. It left out the part about not being able to afford an apartment with a pool, staying in with network TV on a week night instead of hitting the clubs, and having friends that DON’T give you diamonds for your 21st birthday. Whatever. The Hills MIGHT have given me unreal expectations about post-college life being as fancy-free as a Natasha Bedingfield song. That’s why I’m not sure why I’m so surprised that they duped me once again. LC made her big announcement about a month ago about The Hills “reunion” for all the fans that stuck by her side (Me, obviously. I buy all her clothes and still quote her daily.) They revved us up with an all day marathon of the reality TV glory (pre-Kardashian days.) And then what they delivered was a one hour special with LC, her parents, her husband and a couple of producers…talking about her life. They promo’ed both clothing lines, her charity work, and showed us how gr8 her life is now. I KNOW HER LIFE IS GREAT. SHE’S LAUREN F’ING CONRAD! And it wasn’t until that final credit rolled last night that I realized I had eaten that shit right up. I was tricked and yet I still watched it and tweeted about it and now I’m writing this recap. You done me good, MTV. But know that I’m disappointed.

The-Hills-1x07-Somebody-Always-Has-To-Cry-lauren-conrad-21837848-1920-1080

Since I’m assuming the majority of the world chose the ChadBear pooping his pants on Bachelor in Paradise over this snoozefest, here are your highlights. But seriously, I accept Dunks gift cards as a form of thank you for DVR’ing this then sitting two inches away from my TV taking ratchet pictures and videos to enhance this recap.

 

Things That Are The Same:

  • LC still rolls around Laguna in her black convertible, top down, blonde locks blowing in the ocean breeze. Gawd I wanted this to be fake but she’s just such a casj cool Cali girl. Her parents also still live in a kickass house with an infinity pool that looks across the ocean.*(see “things that are different.”)

thehillsconvertible

IMG_8688

  • Thirsty ass bitches are friends. Left on the cutting room floor: Heidi telling Kimmy K at her housewarming party, “We’re the only people in American who have jellyfish.” This interaction EXPLAINS EVERYTHING and I can’t believe it’s been buried for this long.

IMG_8706

  • Audrina is like, really pretty. No seriously, LC talks about meeting “their very pretty neighbor.” It means she’s dumb, guys. Also this is pure bullshit because everyone knows Audrina auditioned to be in The Hills.
  • Brody and LC have 0.0 chemistry. Their first date banter about LC’s Cheshire cat smile and how it pretty much seemed like it was going nowhere was just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously producers fabricated the LC/Brody drama and now we have the proof! Like a couple of seasoned actors, they played along with: I like your smile, no I like your smile! *closed mouth kiss.* END SCENE.

Things That Are Different:

  • *Except now Mr & Mrs Conrad’s house is a shrine to LC’s magazine covers.

IMG_8689

  • Bitch intern Emily might’ve once shamed LC for being so uneducated in the world of flowers but LOOK AT HER NOW, she knows what garden roses are and runs a fashion empire. Where did you end up, Emdoggz?

lcshoot

  • We now know that Jason was a RAGING alcoholic during his early reality TV star years. This is key as now we can unearth the real reason LC dumped his ass and a BTS peek at him hammered when they force her to “recreate” their breakup for the camera. LC was actually crying because it was morning and Jason was three sheets to the wind, or like a freckle past a hair? This scene alone is hilarious and then LC adds a very generic & monotone, “Jason had a happy ending and is sober and married.” Good for you, Jason. Sucks that LC didn’t get enough credit for telling ole spiky hair, BOY BYE because she was sick of dragging his dead booze weight out of Les Deux on a Monday night.

IMG_8691

(PS what a Dick for being drunk and saying LC isn’t acting normal.)

  • LC is a businesswoman now and realizes that MTV bought her Teen Vogue “internship.” Whereas back in the day she actually thought she was interviewing for it. Oh, honey.

Things That Deserve Their Own Reality Show:

  • William and LC. Seriously these two cannot be any cuter. LC babbles about fashion and William looks at her like this:

IMG_8709IMG_8712

He even attends her clothing line board meetings. RELASHE GOALZ.

IMG_8714

  • LC yelling at MTV for putting her and Spencer in the same room. These two HATED each other and seeing LC be like wtf, guys every time they snuck him into a scene would be all the entertainment.

IMG_8707IMG_8708

  • The amount of guys that Hills producers paid to chat/kiss/be LC’s boyfriend for the night. Seriously, the way they mic’ed up dirty Parisian guy before he even walked over to LC is impressive. Then they pulled the puppet strings to get him to kiss her. TV MAGIC. I guess this is technically the premise for Unreal but I’d still like to see more of their blatant producing of this show. LC was tipped off this guy was going in for the kiss so she ran away. I’ve never been more proud. That kiss would’ve been like a hit of dirt and nicotine. Stay clean, LC.

matthiasthehills

But actually think about what it would be like to be 23 and out at a bar where every guy who chats you up has already spoken to your producers and signed a waiver. YIKES.

  • LC’s cat eye. No f’real. Her business savvy is impressive, her charity work is honorable but the most important thing is that winged liner. I will worship all day at the altar of her perfected Persian eye.
  • This house.  I think I actually wiped up a little drool just from an establishing shot of her yard. Holy MTV money.

IMG_8717IMG_8718 

Noticeably Missing:

  • Segment on where Justin Bobby is today. What his spiritual beliefs are, if he’s washed his hair lately, if he still sweeps chicks off their feet with just one burp. You know, the important stuff. I would’ve even settled for LC giving us an unfiltered commentary on a classic JB scene.

1362599506_justin-bobby-1-lg

  • An apology from Lisa Love. She’s gotta feel like a real asshole now for Paris-shaming LC when she was just trying to check her 18-year-old boyfriend into rehab.

paris

  • A shoutout to William’s days in Something Corporate. Sigh. Tween girl in me is disappointed. HE USED TO BE A PUNK HEARTTHROB! HE WAS ONCE FAMOUS TOO! Give us that backstory!
  • A live look at Heidi and Spencer as aunt/uncle to Holly’s baby. Does Uncle Spence rub crystals on the little homeboy?

Spencer-Pratt-Gif-2

  • Whitney’s reaction to a shocked face montage.

whitneyhills

  • An in-depth discussion of current events and politics with Audrina.

audrinablankstare

  • LC mocking her worst fashion moments of The Hills. Cough cough, plastic black headband, cough.

Biz Casj Headband

 

And finally, it wouldn’t be a real rundown on The Hills without mention of the most ridiculous couple. As a reaction to being iced out of the special, Speidi took completely different approaches, both with the goal of attention. Let us observe. Spencer went full Kanye:

Screen Shot 2016-08-02 at 10.18.29 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-02 at 10.18.20 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-02 at 10.18.04 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-02 at 10.17.57 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-02 at 10.17.27 PM

Heidi opted for the kill ‘em with kindness tactic. Hey Heidi, LC will never be your friend again. Stop trying. It’s been 10 years. Let it go, girlfriend.

Screen Shot 2016-08-02 at 10.13.52 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-02 at 10.14.08 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-02 at 10.14.22 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-02 at 10.14.32 PMScreen Shot 2016-08-02 at 10.14.43 PM

*Cue acoustic version of “feel the rain on your skin….no one else can feel it for you….only you can let it in.” 

Standard
Pop Culture, Television

Tom Haverford-isms

Happy Tom

Parks & Rec, much like The Office, is full of quirky and hilarious characters that I could write one million blogs about. I’m focusing on Tom Haverford this time around because we all have a lot we could learn from him. Tom was the most creative little nugget in Pawnee, always coming up with inventions and phrases. As someone who rarely says an entire word, even I learned a few new abbrevs from Tommy Havs and I believe it would be beneficial to us all to start working in the following top phrases from Tom into every day lingo.

1. Tum Grums. I’m hungry roughly every 30 minutes and it probably get exhausting for the people around me to hear over and over again that I’m hungies. Throwing in that I have the “tum grums” every once in a while could really spice things up. Plus when my blood sugar gets low and I turn into a raging bitch-monster only to be tamed by chips and candy, using this adorbs phrase will make me seem more endearing and less threatening.

2. Winnie the Boo. Enough with this BAE shit…Tommy had it down when he rattled off all the terms of endearment he was brainstorming for Ann (when they dated for a hot second.) This was my personal favorite because it just rolls right off the tongue and maybe even will make you think of your sig other wearing just a t-shirt, no pants.

justshirtnopants

3. Fart Attack. This was obviously a case-specific phrase in reference to when Jerry has a heart attack and uncontrollably farts at the same time. If I recall correctly, Tom is the first one to demand a doctor call it a Fart Attack and I’ve never wished to witness this incident more. Mark my words, I will be 90 years old and still giggle like a child when I hear the word fart. Not sorry bout it.

FartAttackfarts

4. ‘Tails. Most people shorten details to deets, but Tom went with ‘tails because it showed innovation. It really doesn’t hurt to switch things up but I might have a hard time catching onto this one. A couple years ago I picked up the phrase “fuzzy on the deets” from Barstool to describe my drunken haze and I feel like tossing “Fuzzy on the ‘tails” doesn’t roll of the tongue quite as nicely. We’ll work on this one.

Brush Yo Shoulders Off

5. Treat Yo’ Self! A Tom and Donna combo creation, this is more like a necessary tradition rather than just a phrase, but can obviously be snuck into every day convo as well. For a day every year they treat themselves to lavish gifts and spa treatments and scream TREAT YO’ SELF a lot. I too have decided to do this every time I make an obnoxious purchase on my dirt low income and you know what? It makes me feel like a G-D Queen.

treatyoself

BONUS: Food Abbrevs- Zerts, Hot Choccy, Sandoozles. I’m especially fond of Hot Choccy since two of my friends went through a tough phase of calling Hot Chocolate “Hot Cho Cho” and making me want to rip my ears clean off my head. I’ll have to introduce them to the land of the Hot Choccy. Zerts for Desserts and Sandoozles instead of sandwiches just SOUND cooler…and that’s all that really matters in life. To sound as swagalicious as Tommy Fresh.

Standard
Pop Culture, Uncategorized

BoooooOOOOoooooKs!

 

For some of you it might come as a surprise that I’m actually an avid reader. I like to keep everyone on their toes and show them that I’m a little more than reality TV and celebrity gossip. Just kitten, I mostly read the literary version of dirty rom-com trash BUT every once and a while (usually each summer) I buckle down and try on a new book that everyone is buzzing about. I mostly do this so that I always have a more respectable title to throw out when someone asks me what I’ve been reading than “Dirty Thoughts: A Mechanics of Love Novel.” As it turns out, my reading list from this summer/fall shined a spotlight on female authors, so I will be giving you a chick lit rundown of must-reads. Feel free to lower your expectations for highbrow reading, as there’s only so much you can expect from a girl whose only bookmarks look like this:

IMG_6497

 

1. Girl on the Train- Paula Hawkins.

thegirlonthetrain

This was my one adult-level read this past summer and I immediately forced several people around me to read it so I could relive it through them. It’s a mystery told in several different perspectives to keep the plot twist hard to guess until the end. The main narrator, Rachel, is a sloppy alcoholic who becomes fascinated with a couple in a nice neighborhood that she watches from the train every day on her commute. Then the woman she watches from the train suddenly disappears and Rachel tries to involve herself in the investigation. This book is a page-turner but also made me want to punch the main character in the face. She’s a hot mess express and you often are not on her side, which makes you question every piece of information she’s giving you. Also fun fact: it will be made into a movie. FTR you’ll see me write that after almost every book I review, because Hollywood is unoriginal and authors rule the world. (Also pretty sure 50% of this list was picked up by Reese Witherspoon’s production company. LADIES R00L THE WORLD.)

 

2. Who Do You Love- Jennifer Wiener.

whodoyoulove

 

I learned about this book because Jennifer Wiener is actually a die-hard Bachelor(ette) fan and often live tweets things far funnier than I could ever write in my recaps. The good news is that she’s actually a very talented writer unlike those on the set of ABC’s moneymaker reality show. This is a classic love story about Rachel and Andy who meet by chance when they’re children and then how their lives intersect through out the years as they grow up and make terrible decisions and how they always seem to find their way back to each other. It’s kind of sad and also a lot poetic about how each choice we make in our lives have consequences and how to find the right path in the end. I honestly think that’s the smartest and least sarcastic sentence I’ve ever written on The Salty Ju.

 

3. Luckiest Girl Alive- Jessica Knoll.

luckiestgirlalive

In a post Gone Girl world, every author is itching to release the next crazy-ass female driven story. Welp, this is it. Obviously it was outright compared to Gone Girl, giving it a little more clout and intrigue, but this book might have been more F’ed up than Gone Girl. Sure, Amy Dunne was the biggest psycho on this earth, but the twist in this story actually gave me nightmares the night after I read it. I ripped through the first half of the book, refusing to put it down until I saw the creepy secret past, then had terrifying dreams influenced by it, then finished the book as soon as I woke up in the morning. So yes, it’s vividly disturbing, but also clearly it was written well if I read it in less than 12 hours. Ani is an editor at a top fashion magazine and about to marry a WASPy finance guy, so she’s basically living the dream except for the fact that her past keeps sneaking up to haunt her perfect life. *To be made into a movie, obv. Unfortunately, the pictures in my mind of this book were graphic enough, so I really don’t ever need to see them played out on the big screen, especially with our country’s current state of gun violence. (Baby spoiler)

 

4. Why Not Me- Mindy Kaling.

whynotme

For those who like a good series of funny stories and anecdotes from comedians, this is Mindy’s newest installment and just as good as her first (Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me-And Other Concerns.) If you’re not a fan of Mindy’s candid tone and tendency to talk like a high schooler, this book is not for you. The book includes stories about her dating life, her weird AF relationship with BJ Novak, what a typical day looks like for her (which I found fascinating as a TV junkie) and even the speech she gave at Harvard Law School. What’s cool about Mindy is that everyone fixates on her being Indian and not stick skinny and she addresses both in this book by saying hey assholes I’m being myself and we don’t need to draw attention to these factors every day.

 

5. The Royal We- Heather Cocks & Jessica Morgan.

theroyalwe

This was a book I’ve been hearing about since the beginning of summer but when I finally cracked it open a week or two ago, I was not expecting an anthology. Save this read for a long week’s vacation or possibly an excuse to stay away from your family during the holidays. Written by the creators of Go Fug Yourself, it’s an American spin on the fascination all us commoners have with the Royals. Bex is a twin from Iowa who decides to do a semester at Oxford and happens to live in the same dorm as the heir to the crown, you know, literally every American girl’s dream when they study abroad in England. The story, told in 5 parts from Bex’s perspective, tells their love story and dramas from the very beginning all the way to the royal wedding. It’s fun because Bex is a tomboy who loves baseball, drinking, and not washing her hair and she snags a hot prince. Also it is loosely based on Will & Kate’s love story, with a slutty royal brother that strikes many resemblances to Prince Harry. It was announced recently that this will be made into movie magic, of course and Lauren Graham & Mae Whitman have already signed on. For those of you who have experienced the cinematic magic that is The Duff, you’ll understand why Mae is the perfect actress for this character.

 

Bonus: Wallbanger- Alice Clayton.

wallbanger

I’m sneaking this one on the list…it’s neither new nor a classy read by any means (the cover gives that away…don’t read in public without a book sock.) However, it’s one of my favorite books of all time and I would feel wrong not including it on a list of glowing recommendations. Caroline moves into a new apt and her hottie neighbor Simon invites a new chick over every night to bang one out, which would be fine except that their bedrooms share a wall and therefore she’s hearing a lot of sex and not participating in any of it. They hate each other and exchange some words until their separate groups of friends end up hanging out and suddenly they’re all a squad and everyone starts pairing off. Told from Caroline’s point of view it’s hilarious and well-written with sneak peeks of sexy times, AKA a book about sex with an actual story (I’m looking at you 50 Shades…) Even better news if you love the first, there’s 2 more books in the series.

Standard
Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

View this post on Instagram

Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

A post shared by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on

I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

View this post on Instagram

👻

A post shared by Lauren Conrad (@laurenconrad) on

I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

View this post on Instagram

I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

https://instagram.com/p/9iWuc-jvKZ/?taken-by=taylorswift

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

johnstamos

Devil’s Threesome.

peanuts today shwo

The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

 carson willie matt

Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 10.48.04 AM

Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

kperry

Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

View this post on Instagram

Coming to America🎃

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

View this post on Instagram

🦁

A post shared by tori kelly (@torikelly) on

Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

ninadobrev

Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

kelly&michael1

kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

joshduhamel

Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 10.50.59 AM

I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 10.51.40 AM

GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

AishaTylerYonce

Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

Standard
Pop Culture

Top Ten Vintage YouTube Vids

I reunited with my high school besties this past weekend and it brought me back to being 16 years old and staying up until 2am watching stupid videos online and giggling. As you might have concluded, we were really cool and popular. But this got me reminiscing on the days when YouTube was fresh on the scene and one poorly-made video would be quoted for the rest of high school. Let’s revisit the top videos that shaped my introduction to the wonders of the internet for ole times sake.

1. Shoes/Muffins

Shoes was obviously the more popular but I’m more of a Muffins gal myself. There’s something about doing a stupid voice for Cahtoon Muffin that can still make me laugh out loud. Plus it remains relevant for quoting, like when I abruptly brought back the terrifying ending to this video during the blood moon a month ago. Also I just re-watched shoes because it had been a cool 6 years since I’d last seen it and distinctly remember multiple people saying “I’m gonna betch slap you, shetbag” as an actual insult when this came out. High school was a weird time. Double also that video is really yikes city…maybe just watch Muffins. PAPAH CLIP.

2. Love Letters

You could say that this comedian Liam Sullivan owned the internet back in 2006. I never even realized this was him until right now though, you know because he’s not wearing a wig and being creepy. This one was an odd video that my best friends and I latched onto real hard. It gets inapprops for a minute (then again I don’t even want to know what teenagers today are watching) but actually vegetables pretty much do taste like despair. Sincerely, America.

3. Can I Have Your Number

MadTV was weird because they had a lot of up and coming comedians on it, but they rarely got attention because like, SNL…ya know? However, this skit and Bon Qui Qui spread like wildfire and gave us a world of stupid phrases to repeat. They also did a scary accurate parody of Laguna Beach (obviously vital to high school pop culture) called Laguna Biotch that I had to be convinced Kristin Cavallari didn’t play herself in because it was so spot on, AND Ike Barinholtz (The Mindy Project, Neighbors) played both Jason and Talan in it. But anyway, not to get sidetracked, finding out this character Daryl–pronounced Darelle– was actually a female rocked my world.

4. Homestar Fluffy Puff Marshmallows Commercial

Homestar Runner was an odd animated creature that had his own website of short videos including a random collection of friends who would guest star. My sister and I frequently visited this website for giggles, specifically taking a liking to his friend named the Poopsmith. We were really mature for our age. This video was his most famous…I KNOW can you BELIEVE it?!

5. The End of the World

I don’t remember LoLing a lot to this one but it did create WTF, mate?! which was trendy AF to text to people using T9 word on my enV.

6. Boys Will Be Girls

Say it with me now, our diet starts tomorrow. Obviously this is supposed to be a crack at a typical girl hangout except that these dudes have clearly never met me because I would rather eat a bagel I dropped on the ground to savor it than throw half in the trashcan. This came about in my college years and it showed that my humor had really matured (not.) I also recommend Secret Santa and Hipster Thanksgiving by the HST sketch group. Although to be honest I shared Hipster Thanksgiving with the fam before turkey one year and it was crickets city, so clearly not for everyone.

7. Grape Stomp

I love how at the beginning of this video a popup appears that says find out what happened to the grape stomping lady…ummm I assume she went into hiding? Like there’s no way to recover from this. Essentially the first viral video in internet history was at the expense of this lady acting like a real turd on live television and humiliating herself. Does that stop me from laughing every time I see it? No it does not. Falling will always be hilarious, and I welcome people to laugh at me when I take a digger. Fortunately none of mine have been recorded and immortalized on the world wide web.

8. Doglover199709

I’m mostly putting this up because Doglover199709 was a sensation in my early webbin’ days and this is a plea for her to come back and show us what she’s up to now. I have SO many questions. Did she end up with a lighting job after they saw her light switch flipping skills to the beat of Disturbia? Does she still live in that same lime green bedroom? Do Jonas Bros posters remain on the walls untouched like a temple? Are her weekends full of shutting her bedroom door and choreographing dramats dances that her parents probably didn’t know she was uploading for the world to see? I need Doglover199709 back in my life. Hit me up, girl. PS her youtube name is 100% what we all did with our first AIM screenname…take something you like and add the year you were born to it. Unfortunately for me, basketjay91 was taken so I had to settle for basketjay45. I was such a baller.

9. The Landlord

Unfortunately the only version I could find to embed was censored, LAME SAUCE. But this skit was genius and still holds up today because toddlers walk like drunk people anyway so Pearl really embodied that role. Also if I ever do have children I 100% plan on exploiting their cuteness to advance my career and/or make millions of dollars from a viral video. That’s the reason you have kids, right? GIMME MY MONEY!!!!

10a. Whistle Tips

My brother in law showed me this one like 6 years after the fact but I’m so glad he did because where else do you find a newscast where a guy named Bubb Rubb screams WOO WOOOOOOOO over and over again. I commend this station for five star journalism.

10b. Bed Intruder

I’d like to think that Whistle Tips paved the way for this number, which is why they’re together on this list. Antoine Dodson became famous from literally saving his sister from getting raped and then sassing about it on television. Ah, remember the days when every video was turned into an Autotune song? Thanks, T-Pain.

 

BONUS: Dom Mazzetti

(This is an after-publish add, because I remembered my boy Dom and was pezzed at myself for not including him in this fire flames list.)

Dom and his Jersey-accent mockery of everything young adult basically got me through my college years. In fact, he did a European tour that I missed by a mere few weeks when I was studying abroad and my friends and I were crushed that we lost out on the opportunity to party with D to the O-M. His web series is full of hilarious videos but this one about resumes is my favorite and often one that I watch every time I give my resume a tune-up (which is more than I’d like to admit.) I’m guessing that if my re-zoom outlined my dunking skills and a fake GPA, I would have a job right now.

Standard
Pop Culture, Television

Tim Riggins for the NFL

5 Reasons Why Riggins Would Be the Best Player in the League

friday-night-lights-10_612x380_0

It’s football season again and every year when social media turns into fantasy picks and game commentary, I have a sudden urge to restart Friday Night Lights because I would rather watch Riggins get hammered and tackle the shit out of some high school players than watch real life professional players in our country’s most beloved sport. But whatever, I think choosing FNL over football makes me more patriotic. If Riggs were in the NFL I would probably play closer attention and here’s why I think he would be GREAT as a professional footballer (dare I say, even better than Tom Brady?) It’s a good thing I don’t live in Boston anymore…

PS for the sake of selling the best version of Riggs, we’re gonna go ahead and gloss right over his criminal history.

1. Parties hard, plays hard. There is rarely a time when Riggins is not holding a beer, or fiercely hungover and yet he’s one of the finest athletes on the Dillon Panthers. Could his drinking habits at the age of 17 be seen as alcoholism? Possibly. But Riggs is more of a get home from a long hard day and crack a beer kind of guy rather than funneling before school every morning, so it’s more fun, less debilitating. There’s a lot of guys in the NFL who blow money on booze and drugs to celebrate their cool life, but a lot of them also end up in rehab or fired, Riggs has it under control. He suits up on game day and then hits Smittys or The Landing Strip with the boys to wind down. Even the rally girls know what’s good when they hand him a six pack as a pre-game ritual, instead of baked goods.

rigginshungover buddys beer riggs uniform running

pushup

2. Loyal to his home state. Tim Riggins IS Texas. All he wants for his life is a piece of land and a good bar to rest his head. Professional athletes get traded or offered a bigger salary to change teams but Riggs would never leave Texas and let down his fans (cough, cough Lebron). Say it with me now…Texas Forever.

streetriggsgoodbyeTXForev leavetexasbeherenomatterwhat

3. Charismatic. Look, Tim’s not the sharpest tool in the shed…I guess that’s what tends to happen when you have rally girls do your homework and you take Wednesdays off from school. What he lacks in book smarts (The Scarlett Letter), he makes up for in personality. Riggs is the life of the party and a true entertainer. He could use a little work on his stand up material–i.e. “How about Saracen sleeping with the Coach’s daugher?”–but you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t be riveting in post-game interviews or team press conferences. He wouldn’t show up just so he didn’t get fined…he would put on a show. Can you name anyone else who would tell the school that he’s pregnant and needs a couple of days to relax so he can flip a house with his buddies? Bonus points for creativity.

scarlettletter tacosrallygrl wednesdaysvirgin

4. Not a Narc. As a captain of the Dillon Panthers, Riggins was a natural leader. He knew how to motivate his teammates on the field, but also how to get them laid—I’m lookin at you JD. Part of being a team player is not pointing the finger when someone sucks. I think Riggins learned a little bit about that when he oh so casually went to prison for Billy. What a rough time for Tim and his usually luscious locks…but just goes to show how he would rather be locked up than rat on someone, if there were to be say, I don’t know, a cheating scandal in the NFL.

streetriggs jdriggs gettinlaidjail

5. Mentor. Under that rough around the edges, boozy playboy exterior is a real heart of gold. Riggins is good with kids and acted as a big brother to that little shit Bo who lived next door. He taught him how to defend himself and how to play football, making him a shoe-in for training camps and charity work in the NFL. Tim also helped out with demon child Gracie Bell when he lived with the Taylors and any interaction with that creature deserves a gold medal. After doing time, he was Uncle Riggs to baby Stevie and it just melted my icy cold heart.

timbo bo graciebell babyriggins carryingBo

*BONUS* Have you seen him? I get that the NFL is not a modeling agency but it doesn’t hurt, right Eric Decker? I never thought I could be attracted to a man with hair the same length as mine until I laid eyes on Tim Riggins. His flowing lettuce and perfect smile reel in the ladies and I think he would do just fine in sponsorships and product endorsements. Not to mention the bad boy appeal. No more Tom Brady for Uggs…it should be Tim Riggins for Stetson–shirt very optional.

rigginssmirk love

m7jzjnhaf8fbausyucjj bed

So whatdya say, NFL? Let’s make some memories with Tim Riggins. No regrets.

Standard