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Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2022 Edition

It’s 2022, baby! We’ve got about 6 zillion streaming services and FINALLY they’re all making original Christmas movies. We are no longer SHACKLED to a network geared toward the middle-aged female demo making four of the exact same movie starring Candace Cameron Bure each and every year with the grand finale being a Sahara desert dry brushing of lips. We’ve got OPTIONS now! When I sat down to make my list of preferred flicks to watch, I clicked through 174 BRAND NEW original Christmas movies. And from that monster list (shout out Entertainment Weekly), I narrowed it down to a conservative 33 movies as a guideline, adding and deleting along the way. Let the records also show that CableTV.com put out a call for one person to be the “Chief of Cheer,” watch 25 movies in 25 days, submit commentary and get paid $2,000 for their services. I nearly broke my keyboard whipping up a lengthy rambling of a submission PLEADING my case that I’m already the Chief of G-D Cheer and I deserve compensation for it for ONCE. Spoiler alert: I did not get the job. Big mistake, CableTV.com, HUGE.

For anyone who cares, here was my submission that was so unjustly overlooked. I hope everyone at CableTV.com gets coal in their stockings this year.

There’s truly nothing better than pouring myself a glass of wine, snuggling up on the couch in my sherpa-lined red truck blanket, staring at the twinkling Christmas tree in the corner & smashing play on a holiday movie. It is the true meaning of Christmas.

Not only do I enjoy consuming a sleigh-load of holiday movies each year, but for the past 8 years I’ve maintained a pop culture blog (thesaltyju.com) and each year I recap the newest Hallmark & Lifetime holiday movies and share my opinions with the world (whoever stumbles upon my blog.) Considering each streaming network is now competing for who can release more original holiday movies each year, this is quite an undertaking and I feel as though my fervor to watch each one and record my thoughts before Christmas Day is impressive. I’m dedicated to watching overworked corporate girlbosses return to their sparsely populated hometown and fall in love with the local carpenter as they harmonize at the church Christmas pageant that they managed to cobble together after many holiday hijinks, sharing one chaste kiss under the mistletoe as the credits roll. And if I’m that dedicated WITHOUT pay, imagine the effort I’ll put in with a little incentive?!

Even though I make time for 20-30 new holiday movies each year (while keeping Hallmark running in the background as I “work” from home so I can rewatch old ones as well) I always make sure to revisit the classic Christmas movies I grew up on. Each Christmas season *must* include Home Alone (1 & 2), Elf, I’ll Be Home For Christmas, The Santa Clause (1&2), Love Actually, Miracle on 34th Street, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation & The Grinch. Of course, I’ll make room for new classics to be sprinkled into the mix, most recently Netflix’s The Christmas Chronicles has become a fan favorite in my household of one. Kurt Russell gave Santa an edge that we haven’t seen since Tim Allen in the early 90’s and I can always get down with a cool Santa sax solo.

Anyway, as you can see, I’m already crushing it as a Chief of Cheer every holiday season like it’s my J-O-B, so why not get paid for it?! I would LOVE the opportunity to watch Christmas movies and share my feedback with CableTV.com. Thank you so much for your consideration and keep the change, ya filthy animals!

Anywho, back to the matter at hand, Hallmark has really jumped the shark since the aforementioned CCB left and now that the streaming services are releasing their own Christmas movies, pumping a fraction of our ungodly subscription fees into the production value, there really is no competition. That’s not to say I ruled out the OG giants of Christmas (Hallmark and Lifetime), but I will give you fair warning that in the world of streaming cable, you can’t have both. You either get Hulu Live TV with Lifetime or YouTubeTV with Hallmark. There’s a special place in hell for ex boyfriends who cancel their Hulu Ad-Free Live TV that they know you’re using, in PEAK Christmas movie season, without even a courtesy warning. Which is how I found myself scrambling to get a YouTubeTV subscription and therefore had no option but to F with Hallmark exclusively this year (Sorry, bout it, Lifetime.) So without further ado, I’ve divided by network–in alpha order–so you can roll right past the networks you’ve chosen not to pay for (or steal logins for.)

AMAZON PRIME

Something From Tiffany’s

A product of Reese Witherspoon’s production company, Hello Sunshine, the plot of this one is a wee bit of an engagement ring mixup. Ethan gets a big ole rock to propose to his LA girlfriend, Gary gets his girlfriend diamond earrings, their bags get switched and each woman opens up the wrong gift on Christmas day. Except instead of correcting the mixup, Gary goes pedal to the metal and proposes anyway with a ring he certainly doesn’t have the coin to pay for. We all know they have to make the current partner hateable so we don’t feel like it’s cheating when there’s a spark with someone else…but I feel like they went too far here. Gary the tattoo artist is a thieving scumbag. And word on the street is it’s ok to leave your fiance when he’s a poor dirtbag with no morals. This movie was kinda boring overall save for BFF Terri who provides comic relief and rips on the shitty boyfriend, but it’s a nice Christmas in the city story overall. Definitely can tell its got that Reese cashflow.

Your Christmas or Mine?

I guess this one was geared toward the younger crowd as it featured two college students. Ah, to be young and in love at Christmas with a posh accent. Leaning on the “let’s surprise each other” but do it at the same time and completely miss each other trope, James ends up celebrating Christmas with Hayley’s family in one town and Hayley ends up suck with James’ dad in another. Obviously neither one has told their family about the status of their relationship because they’ve been dating basically five minutes. Secrets are revealed, families are the worst, and the ONLY time I chuckled was when Hayley’s family shows up at James’ mansion (he’s a Lord) and make a comment about how she could’ve pulled a proper Meghan Markle. Otherwise, this movie is a dud and you couldn’t PAY me to spend a holiday with a brand new sig oth’s family WITHOUT THEM THERE. Pure torture.

CBS

When Christmas was Young

This is primetime. The big leagues. This movie premiered after 60 Minutes! What a lead-in. You know it’s good shit when it’s getting the Sunday night feature like it’s awards season. Happy to report it did not disappoint, especially since it was the last movie I viewed this season and I already had quite an ear full of “original Christmas songs” that made me want to scoop out my ear drums with a butter knife. With Sheryl Crow as an EP, you can trust the music will be legit and it sure was. Luke Dawson (hot name) is a doucheroni country music agent who gets fired and his last Hail Mary to keep his biggest client is to get the rights to a song written by Melody. Tale as old as time, Melody shows him the charitable and family side of Christmas so he stops being such a turd and Luke repays her by giving her song away anyway so he can keep his job. All’s well that ends well though, obviously in song. I really don’t have a lot of snark for this one because it followed the holiday movie formula to a T and it didn’t have any weird actors overdoing it in the background or terribly cringetastic scenes. Round of Applause for the Canadians here, they know how to make a solid Christmas movie.

GREAT AMERICAN FAMILY

Catering Christmas

Molly is the chipper go-getter of a business owner trying to land a catering job for a rich family and Carson is the privileged nephew photographer of said family who has a boner for her. This movie was the equivalent of a Christmas cutout sugar cookie, sweet and basic. No major conflict, no exes to get rid of, and even when Carter had to pick going to Milan over staying in his hometown to be chairman of the family biz, it was *very* anticlimactic. Bonus Points for an opening scene of Carson sneaking up on his aunt and taking a picture of her before even saying hello…stalk, much?! And a suuuuper random side love story between the butler and the aunt that escalated very quickly. We went from sidelong glances to a proposal in RECORD speed.

HALLMARK

Haul Out the Holly

Holly’s parents run the neighborhood Christmas festivities every year and basically have been ruining her Christmas since she was born because instead of getting to open presents at home she has to be free labor for their festival. Less than 5 minutes into the movie we’ve got a “I’m not happy in this relationship” and Holly will be returning home for Christmas with her overachieving parents. Except this bitch has the worst parents in the world. Like someone commit these two clowns to a mental institute. Who invites their daughter home and is like, “Bye babes, Happy Christmas we’re moving to Florida right now! Sorry about your breakup, please watch our giant house and make sure it’s decorated up to HOA code!” There are no redeeming qualities to this movie as everyone is rude and weird & sketchy and she’s an ADULT. Say no and get the hell outta there! And the lead male HOA president nerdbomber is a fucking loser. I don’t care if he’s an architect, he’s giving citations for not having a porch nutcracker, someone needs to give him a swirlie and then stuff him in a locker. And OF COURSE he plays the guitar. Extra cringes for the classic bludgeoning of an all-time great Rom Com line with: “Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to be Santa.” WOOF. MAKE IT STOP.

A Cozy Christmas Inn


I only stomach’ed like 45 mins of this and I was barely paying attention but I knew the minute I heard two old biddies in a town with a stupid name say “Believe in the magic!” that this was very much not the movie for me. I dig Jodie but we all have to have boundaries and a movie where Santa is the main hunk’s dad is mine. I don’t know exact plot deets here but I know Andy is the ex and Erika is there to buy his B&B leading to the often predictable “PROMOTION OR LOVE” decision…but with lots of twinkle sound effects and lines like “stop listening to your head and start listening to your heart!” From someone who thinks exclusively with her heart this is BAD advice from the friend of the program. Extra cringies for Erika asking Santa (Andy’s dad) for Andy for Christmas. I almost puked in my hands typing that. And it wouldn’t be a “one of a kind town” without annoying AF side characters trying to bring main character energy. I don’t care about your small town life in Garland, old diner people, kick rocks.

Christmas Class Reunion


As a Julie Taylor fan (yes I’m using her character name instead of her real name) I had high hopes for this one. She’s cute, the lead guy is a babe, what could go wrong?! Everything apparently. The opening scene is a complete rip of the Carrie pig’s blood dumping but Hallmark style. Then we fast forward 15 years later to all of these goons and where they are now. The over-acting in this one is next level and the way that each character acts like where they are in life is the END OF THE WORLD. (I was unemployed and moving back home right around the time my high school reunion took place so let’s cool our jets with pretending life sucks when you’re all gainfully employed.) The couple that was soooo in love in high school is separated now (color me shocked) and is hoping the reunion would spark their magic again. Since Hallmark isn’t about showing divorce, I think we can safely assume nostalgia will trump couples therapy in the end. None of these fools have talked to each other in 15 years but doesn’t stop them from acting like they’re besties when they’re reunited and also I HAVE A BONE TO PICK. When will Hallmark learn to fill the coffee cups with at least water so everyone stops tipping obviously empty cups toward their dome piece and pretending to sip. Shout out to random unnamed co-worker of Julie Taylor for the most memorable line of the whole damn thing, “They’re saying it’s a federal investigation…as in the FBI!” Oh, is that what that is?!

#Xmas

Jen runs a home decorating shop with her sister and makes lil videos and Max is her BFF from college who helps photograph and film her. They decide to enter some sort of HGTV knock-off celeb couple contest for influencers posing as a married couple with a baby. Obvs they become finalists and let me be the first to say this Hally threw me for a loop. It didn’t really follow the formula and everyone pretty much hated Jen for most of this movie. Her mom, Max who has been in love with her forever with her friend zoning him HOARD. Jen was not a fan favorite and not to pile on but she still hasn’t gotten any better at doing an American accent since her days starring as Scarlett on Nashville. But as we’ve learned, if anything can make you stop being an asshole, it’s Christmas…and also pretending to be your nephew’s mom on a stage in front of tons of people when he says “mama” for the first time and he ain’t talkin to you. Pro Tip: If you want to make this movie more fun, drink every time Jen pops into “influencer” voice and worry about the future of our youth who live in influencer voice 24/7. For realz, I saw a middle schooler prop her phone on a shelf at Wegmans and start doing a dance in the aisle. #We’reAllFucked.

A Tale of Two Christmases

It’s on me that I didn’t read the description (or the title) with any sort of common sense and still chose to watch this. I can’t get down with groundhog day or magical alternate universe movies so as soon as Santa “granted a Christmas wish” and the clock stopped working I knew I was screwed. Not only that, but I was confused. When this parallel Christmas first started I had no way of telling which was which. I guess what I’m trying to say is I think I’m finally too stupid for Hallmark? Also ain’t that some shit that you tell some fat guy ringing a bell that you “just want something to work out for once” and you get to live out two Christmases to let you know which man candy to choose and how to crush it at your career. WHERE’S MY FAT MAN?! I’d love an insider tip, homeslice. I want to help my middle school bully sensually strip his chunky knit Christmas sweater off after declaring it’s hot in here! Anyway, no spoilers but Emma’s Christmas with fancy lawyer Max and her promotion to lead architect ends up being a real disaster and as it turns out moving home to Vermont and starting a biz with her dad and smooching the guy she grew up with is THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. “You know I’m not perfect, right?” “You are to me!” AWWWWWGagggmylifeawayAWWWW.

HBO MAX

Holiday Harmony

Homeless chick Gail drives around the country in a van and does open mics, but she’s keeping her followers up to date on the journey which is high key obnoxious to watch her be an influencer who can’t afford an apartment but can afford to overshare. And wouldn’t you know her van/home gets totaled by a goat or something on her way to LA for her big break. The man, the myth, the legend, JD McCoy (clearly the Friday Night Lights characters are a HIT in the Christmas movie scene), is the mechanic who will fix her van and then make it rock if ya know what I mean, WINK WINK. Not gonna lie, grown up JD was doing it for me in this movie and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Sure, the movie took an emotional turn that I wasn’t prepped for but we got a sex scene. HELL YEA. HBOMax has no rules and I DIG IT. Unfortunately that’s immediately followed by children singing which is a big HELL NO. Overall dece movie but I’d be remiss not to shine a light on the worst part…the hispanic actress that I saw in THREE movies so far this year and she was playing a loud obnoxious caricature in all three. Was she running a special on “annoying over-animated screecher” as a character?! I was mega embarrassed for her every time she graced my TV this year.

A Hollywood Christmas


Jess is directing a Christmas movie about a lawyer shutting down a bakery and as it’s shooting, Christopher, a finance bro from the network, comes to shut down the Christmas movie division, Omg SO meta. A few minutes later I discovered that Jess’s assistant has a cartoon baby voice that made me want to blow my brains out and I PRAYED that her speaking role would diminish as this flick progressed. That was my one Christmas wish this year. And that Christmas wish was quickly shattered because this girlie was basically a main character flapping that squeaker of hers to point out all of the ways in which Jess’s life was playing out like a Christmas movie. It certainly didn’t help matters that I was already cranky and starving as I watched this movie on my colonoscopy prep day. The treat your real life like a Christmas movie WHILE filming a Christmas movie that has almost the same plot all voiced by lil miss helium pipsqueak was a hard no for me. I paused it several times and it took everything in me to finish it. Then it ended on a musical number to really seal its fate as worst movie ever. PS: STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE “IS DIE HARD A CHRISTMAS MOVIE” ARGUMENT CUTE FLIRTY DATING BANTER. IT IS NOT.

HULU

Merry Kiss Cam

Jess (clearly a hot name choice this year) is an artist and Danny owns a hockey bar that was passed down from his dad. Danny is also the hottie from Bring It On and dayumnnn he aged well. Anyway, the initial attraction between these two crazy kids is they both are adults who eat snow. And honestly I can see that being listed as a kink on a dating profile. “We’re the same kind of weird if…we both eat snow.” I really need to get off of the apps. But I’ve got nothing but love for this movie. I liked both of the leads, they had the most adorable couple banter and I love a good falling in love montage, which this gave in the form of smooching at college hockey games so they keep up their winning streak. My only snarky comment is that I wish she would’ve gotten those godforsaken bangs out of her eyes. If anyone is on the fence about cutting bangs, watch Jess spend the entire movie pushing them back so she could actually use her eyes while painting.

My Christmas Fiancé

This was so bad that I honestly double checked to make sure it wasn’t a parody and I didn’t fall for it. As it turns out, the creator of this movie was serious and for that I am so sorry. When the movie started and we were getting artsy shots of food in a prep kitchen I thought wow, these TV movies are really trying to make it to Cannes these days. But then as I kept watching it became clear that there is no shot this wasn’t a student-made film. Besides the next level bad acting that reeks of volunteers from class, the camera was constantly moving like a dad behind a camcorder. At one point, a waitress comes into the kitchen probably trying to do a different accent then her own and goes, “what are you guys doing here” and I swore I was losing my mind and/or tripping on shrooms because I thought somehow my TV switched to slow motion cause it took so long for her to get that sentence out. And the CHERRY ON TOP is that this abomination to the term movie actually had a recognizable name in it with Denise Richards. I watched the whole damn thing and I still have no idea what Denise Richards’ role was other than to pop up and watch the main characters cr33p style or say a few incoherent words here and there. I don’t think even she knew she was on a movie set. She probably thought it was for her OnlyFans. I would say skip this movie but I also kind of want someone else on this earth to have gone through the torture that was watching it so pls report back so we can commiserate.

LIFETIME

Steppin into the Holiday


Billy Holiday gets fired from his dance show with his wife (IRL) because what is a holiday movie without Mario Lopez’s entire family making a cameo. He goes home for the holidays and sees an opportunity to keep twirling with his nephew’s dance teacher Ray. It may be disrespectful to critique the children in movies but this one deserves to be knocked down a peg or two. Billy’s nephew is the most annoying little shit in the history of annoying little shits. He’s a TikTok dancer who thinks he’s going to be famous so he stops studying at school so he can record himself shimmy shaking. As my sister and I noted out loud anytime he graced the screen, “what a cocky little fuck.” Besides CLF, the aforementioned obnoxious side character actress from Holiday Harmony also plays Billy’s sister (annoying shit’s mom, go figure) and gives off a REAL weird sibling energy. It goes from immature to flirty real quick when she tells him they should wrestle for the bed closest to the door. It gave me all of the ickies. Thank GOD for Cheri Oteri popping in throughout for a much-needed case of the giggles.

Cloudy with a Chance of Christmas


No. Just, no.

NETFLIX

Falling for Christmas


Sierra is a rich, spoiled asshole with an obviously gay influencer boyfriend Tad. Mid-proposal, they both fall in an avalanche or something equally as ridiculous and Jake, the small resort owner that’s about to go under, claims Sierra because she doesn’t remember who she is. Since they had a not so pleasant run-in while Jake was asking Sierra’s dad for funding to stay afloat, I thought we were watching an Overboard remake where Jake was going to punish Sierra by making her live like a commoner and learn the value of a dollar. But it turns out this guy is really dumb enough to not remember someone yelling at him one day prior and had no clue who she was until the end. There’s a magical Santa that plays absolutely no role in the greater plot other than appearing with sleigh bells music every once in a while and giving a creepy smile. Most importantly, we are served with the most horrible hair in the history of men’s hair that I was so disgusted by I got right up on my TV and rewound to snap some pics for proof.

IS HE PULLING THAT FACE BECAUSE HE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF HIS OLE PLASTIC HEAD ASS IN THE MIRROR?! BOOM. ROASTED. Shout out to my girl LiLo for a solid comeback and one of the few somewhat enjoyable movies this year.

Christmas with You

If I had a dollar for every time I typed the sentence “this is next level bad” into my notes app during a holiday movie viewing, I’d be able to afford the houses that all those cool kids my age are getting. Angelina is a popstar who needs to write an original Christmas song for her label and Miguel is a music teacher whose daughter is obsessed with Angelina and makes a TikTok that she notices. And that’s how two sassy ladies (Angelina and her comedic relief assistant) end up hitting up a 14 year old and her old ass dad for inspiration. Seriously, there’s no planet where I believe this hot tamale of a popstar is getting sucked in by a 46 year old man. Oh shit, nevemind, I just IMDB’ed her age and she’s 44 proving the theory VERY wrong that men age better in this scenario because I thought for sure this chick was 30 tops. Hand up, I judged the age difference here and there is none. Whoopsie. Anyway, it still doesn’t justify a very sensual dough-touching scene for these two to have while the rest of the fam makes ‘let’s get it on ‘eyes at them, INCLUDING THE TEENAGER… CRINGE MY LIFE AWAY. Unfortunately, this was also hands down the worst original song I’ve ever heard and that’s saying a lot considering I watched the Netflix original Purple Hearts where they pounded their original ditty into your brains by performing it 16,000 times. She even switched into Spanish for a hot second too so this song could blow in two languages! Feast your ears on this fiery hot garbage that somehow even fictionally got a slot on SNL. IS LORNE DEAF?!

The Noel Diary

My mom and I sat down to watch this one together and I had to run an errand and she asked if she should pause it. I told her I’d catch up. Came back with a half hour left and had the whole thing figured out so I guess I’m not too dumb for Netflix, which is comforting. This movie is obviously made for moms all over the world who think Justin Hartley is charismatic and dreamy. I’m not sellin what he’s buyin, so I could really judge this movie without falling for his movie star smile. Leaning a little more on the dramatic side, Jake goes back into his family history after his mom dies to reconnect the maid with her long-lost daughter who he obv can’t resist. My bone to pick here is that this girlie full-on cheats to be with him. Clearly no one at Netflix is doing their research cause that’s a hard no in holiday movie-land. You don’t cheat, you just emotionally connect with someone better and then your partner does something horrible and inexcusable and you don’t have to feel guilty that you don’t actually love them. DUH. But don’t ask me what I think of this movie, ask my mom who was sobbing on the couch as the credits rolled.

I Believe in Santa


Magazine writer Lisa says the word wiener to her boss within 5 mins and I was sold…until I laid eyes on Tom. This is the creepiest male lead I’ve ever peeped and I am not exaggerating when I say that this guy would be much more fitting for a serial killer / stalker role in a Lifetime movie. How quickly it can go from wiener jokes to the cringiest movie alive. Lisa hates Christmas and Tom is so obsessed with it that he should be on a watchlist. Then she discovers he genuinely still believes in Santa and judging by her sticking with him in the end, they probably both could benefit from therapy. As much as this movie gave me the uncomfies every time Tom’s face graced the screen, what really jammed my glock was the way Netflix was trying to hide deeper lessons about religion, race, and humanity into arguments about Santa. That was more than I was willing to learn from a low budge Christmas flick. Not trying to contemplate the existence of God in my pjs while I wrap Barbie’s on a Saturday morning, guys, so let’s cool our jets here. I do suggest taking this one for a spin if you’d like to have nightmares that feature Tom’s terrifying face for the foreseeable future.

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Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2020 Edition

Hallmark and Lifetime (mostly Hallmark) have been in the crosshairs in recent years as society has become more “woke” that they’re not really all about equal Christmas love representation. It’s funny that everyone has an issue with representation yet no one feels the need to question how two individuals can get interrupted right as their lips are about to touch MULTIPLE times in a two hour timeframe. Seriously WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?! At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if small town folk started popping out of the bushes to interrupt these dry ass kisses. Putting my almost-kiss outrage aside (for now), you’ll notice that the networks are really trying to branch out so they don’t get cancelled. This year we had our first gay Christmas love stories AND our first wheelchair badass rollin on up to the party. Really keeping things spicy here and despite the fact that I am the MOST unemployed, I can only stomach so many of these movies without alcohol and people to roast them with so I did not up my quota of movies consumed this year. I’m trying to live by the theory that you’re not an alcoholic if you wait until after dinner to start drinking by yourself, so that was the only time I could get down with these flicks. (If you’d like my Hallmark drinking game, inquire within.)

Also important to note: though they’re concerned with representation now, that does not include youths. This was the first time I’ve ever felt too young for these movies with the leads they’ve been trotting out from the grave. Or in my sister’s words “Hallmark really dipped into the olds this year.” There comes a point in time where it’s no longer believable that 44 year old Candace Cameron Bure is single, childless, never been married and looking for love at Christmas. And that was every movie this year. These movies should not exclusively be a reunion tour of 90’s child actors. If they don’t sprinkle in some younger leads next year I’ll be forced to permanently move my attention to Disney +. DON’T MAKE ME DO THAT. Anyway, let’s GET READY TO RUMBLE, AWFUL CHRISTMAS MOVIE STYLE.

SKIP

A Very Charming Christmas Town – Lifetime (Natalie Hall, Jon Prescott)

A Very Charming Christmas Town

This is your classic modern tale of Influencer or ASSHOLE?! Aubrey is an LA blogger and content creator who visits a charming town known for their Christmas tourism so she can review it for her blog. Obviously the second she gets there she’s out to shit on their “tourist trap schtick” and act like the kind of turd who stops in the middle of the street to take a picture for the gram and then gets mad when someone tells her to get out of the way. I hate Aubrey right from the start of this movie but what I hate even more is how creepy the male lead, Sawyer is. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen this gent in rotation before but he IMMEDIATELY gave me the cringies and there was no going back. In fact, if not for him, this movie would’ve been fine. Apparently in addition to Aubrey being a blogger, she also used to write country music hits. The fact that she’s recognized as a songwriter is laugh out loud funny because songwriters are like the least recognized people on this earth. Anyway, there’s an incorporation of her “original” Christmas song that makes me want to saw my ears off. Obviously the movie ends with a musical because that’s the trend of TV holiday movies now. SO MUCH GROUP SINGING.

Bonus Points: Sawyer holds Aubrey close to a candle, which is a weird enough thing to do on its own–are you going to light her on fire, sir? BUT THEN he makes it 6 trillion times worse by quoting her own lyrics back to her. RAPE ALERT. I crawled out of my G-D skin during this scene.

Operation Christmas Drop – Netflix (Kat Graham, Alexander Ludwig)

Operation Christmas Drop

Erica is a tightwad workaholic who has been avoiding going home for Christmas since her mom died. She’s sent to this air force base to basically defund the military doing nice things at the holidays. Obviously it takes about 20 minutes for Erica to get on island time, swept up in Andrew’s beach bod and love for helping those in need. She’s got a raging charity lady boner for him. This was one of the first Christmas movies I watched this season and yet I declared in my notes that I’ve had enough of the impromptu Christmas music performances…followed by simply “STOP SINGING.” If only I had known that EVERY movie would feature all characters joining in song. Blow my brains out. There’s also a particularly outrageous CGI lizard that makes an appearance (really upping the production budget on these flicks) and the climax of the film is just people literally dropping shit in the ocean on Christmas Day. That’s it. 

Bonus Points: A holiday party on the beach where “Clause” AKA Andrew tries to loosen up that tight ass Erica and tells her to just let go and dance. She lets go a little too far and turns into Elaine from Seinfeld. Everyone is embarrassed on her behalf. Maybe go back to being lame, Erica. 

elaine

Happiest Season – Hulu (Kristen Stewart, Mackenzie Davis, Dan Levy)

Happiest Season

This movie was a HUGE deal and was getting a lot of press leading up to its release for being the first gay relationship holiday movie with legit actors. Once I knew Dan Levy was in it, I was jazzed as hell to see what kind of snarky sarcasm we would be treated to. I had high hopes and they were obviously all dashed because we as humans should never have high hopes. Whoops did that get too dark for Christmastime? I’ll save it for New Years. Another night of ridiculous expectations that are never met. ANYWAY, if you’re wondering why I took a sharp left turn into the candy cane forest of heavy emotional trauma, it’s because that’s exactly what this movie did. What started out with a little casj reindeer cosplay with whips suddenly morphed into Harper bringing her live-in girlfriend Abby (who just bought an engagement ring) home for Christmas but telling her in the car ride there that she’s not out to her family yet and told them she was bringing her roomie home for the holidays. OUCH city. The remainder of the movie is basically just Harper being a total closeted doucheroni and treating Abby like she has gay cooties except for when she wanted to sneak into her room at night for a little scissoring of course. I hated Harper in this movie and it was obviously much more emotional and deep about secrets and coming out to your family than I was really expecting. Shouts to Dan Levy and Mary Holland for much-needed comic relief, and Mary Steenburgen for being an asshole mom who shoves her iPad in everyone’s face for Instagram photos. Who takes Insta photos with an iPad?

Bonus Points: Everyone blatantly asking Abby what it’s like to be an orphan. Also John killing a bunch of pets.

Candy Cane Christmas – Lifetime (Beverly Mitchell, Mark Ghanimé)

Candy Cane Christmas

Beverly lazy eye Mitchell is Phoebe and guy who can’t figure out if he has an accent or not is Eric (I’m guessing by that very foreign name he has an accent IRL and sucks at an American one.) These two drive me f*cking bonkers the entire movie. In fact, I had it on in the background more than once and still found myself getting fired up the few times I paid attention. After right off the bat declaring they were both single, they kept running into each other as only characters of a rom-com can do and still jumping to conclusions that the other one wasn’t interested or was with someone else. Just cut the shit, you MF’ers and go on a date. After they FINALLY start dating and are happy as clams, Phoebe overhears a conversation and still assumes Eric’s getting back together with his ex and overreacts her face off, crying and avoiding talking to him. Are you five?

Bonus Points: Phoebe’s friend thinks her and Eric aren’t happening so she forces her to date a bald lamewad who hates Christmas. Instead of just being like no thanks, Phoebe keeps giving this guy a chance FURTHER CONFUSING ERIC WHO ALREADY ASKED HER ON A DATE AND ALSO THIS FRIEND SUCKS FOR SETTING HER BFF UP ON A TERRIBLE DATE TO BEGIN WITh. Ok. I’m done being triggered by this movie.

Christmas By Starlight – Hallmark (Kimberley Sustad, Paul Campbell)

Christmas By Starlight

Annie is kind of a loser but Hallmark makes her into a cute & lovable loser because that’s what they do best. She wears pajamas a LOT, is suuuuper obsessed with her Terrier and lives in like a basement apartment at her parent’s house. Obviously greedy lawyers are trying to shut down her family’s diner and she takes it into her own hands to demand that the law office knocks it off. This turns into Annie and cute but maybe gay lawyer William working together so they each get something that they want out of the deal. My family watched this flick together which meant that we sat there pointing and laughing for the full two hours. The very first thing I noticed and couldn’t unsee was that Annie’s mom’s face doesn’t move ONE SINGLE time. It turned into a fun drinking game. Drink every time ole plastic ass face is on the screen! My dad also was NOT a fan of this female lead and was basically openly boo’ing her. Tough crowd. There were a lot of similarities that I saw between this flick and Two Week’s Notice..obviously a poor man’s version because that movie is top notch. But the comparison got me thinking, it would REALLY spice things up if they had a poop your pants scene in a Hally. Try to work that in next year, guys. Totally more relatable than these two eye banging the shit out of each other to Silent Night. Just saying. In the end, SPOILER ALERT, both of these jabronis were fat in high school so they’re meant to be. 

Bonus Points: Annie showing that she’s just SO down to earth because she eats a power bar at a fancy French restaurant after a Passport to Paris level spit take. She also wears ugly Christmas sweaters *unironically.*

Christmas Carousel – Hallmark (Rachel Boston, Neal Bledsoe)

Christmas Carousel

A royal storyline because princes celebrate Christmas too, I have to be honest my sister recommended this one because she had her DVR set up for it and the minute I saw the male lead I texted her “this guy is beat, you cannot watch this movie.” And I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but sometimes a guy turns you off so aggressively that you cannot possibly get into the storyline. I “watched” this whole movie as in it was on my TV as I wrote this blog but all I retained from it was that he was royal and there was a weird singing scene with a creepy song and child. Age was apparent in both leads and as much as I’ve had enough with the singing I had even more of enough with the cryptkeepers’ Christmas tales. If my journey includes me looking for love at Christmas when I’m middle-aged, end that journey right now. I’m sorry. I support anyone dating at any age if that’s what they want. Love that for you. What I don’t love is watching it. It’s not hopeful. I’d MUCH rather watch people in their young twenties fall in love in 5 minutes and get engaged so I can cackle and say WAIT UNTIL YOU TWO MOVE IN TOGETHER THEN WE’LL SEE HOW IN LOVE YOU ARE. That’s my happy place. My sweet spot. Not being the last standing single amongst friends and family and having to settle for the first guy who wishes you a Merry Christmas. And that’s my unwelcome rant on Hallmark only gearing toward the middle aged market this year. 

WATCH

Midnight at the Magnolia – Netflix (Natalie Hall, Evan Williams)

Midnight-at-the-Magnolia-

 

 

We’ve got a double feature from Natalie Hall this szn. And she really upgraded her mancandy for Netflix. At least this guy didn’t give me the heebie jeebies. Maggie and Jack are the kind of besties that everyone knows are going to end up together because they’re WAY TOO close to ever have other significant relationships and yet they’re the only two that can’t seem to figure it the F out. They host a radio show together and decide to fake date and plan a big reveal at New Years Eve because both of their sig oth’s dump them before meeting their families. As a former promotions coordinator in radio, this seems like an HR nightmare to manipulate a personal relationship for promo and marketing. But it really seemed to work out for these two personally and professionally because this is a movie and not real life. It’s totally one of those movies where there’s WAY too much family involvement (and an unwelcome fam group hug.) And of course, per this year’s trend, ends with an original song. Barf all over me.

Bonus Points: Maggie looks cute and normal the whole movie with long locks and then all the sudden shows up to the big party at the end with helmet head. Whoever did that updo/whatever we call this hack job should be sued for character defamation. In fact it was so bad that my sister texted me when she finally viewed it (with no prompting from me first) “wtf is up with this chick’s hair at the nye party?” It’s almost as if we’re related or something.

Five Star Christmas – Hallmark (Bethany Joy Lenz, Victor Webster)

Five Star Christmas

I’m a diehard stan for Bethany Joy Lenz. I think she’s a total babe and typically her holiday movies are far more tolerable than others. This one features her family acting like they’re running a B&B with the home she grew up in because someone is coming to review it. So they all pretend they’re staff or guests which just turns into SO many hijinks. If by hijinks we mean them calling each other the wrong names a lot. SO SILLY. Anyway, there’s a grandma with a German accent that is ALMOST intolerable and lots of side stories happening with each member of the family. Even the dad is getting some lovin. Why? Cause it’s Christmas of course. Turns out the guy that Lucy is hot and heavy for is the reviewer that they were expecting. Classic mix-up. He wins her back after the family snafu by doing a weird Elvis impression in front of strangers. If someone breaks into song at the end of any movie I see for the rest of my life it will still be TOO SOON. 

Bonus Points: In the first five minutes when Lucy says she stopped dating someone because he chewed with his mouth open. YAS GURL. SAME. Also when the “B&B guests” aka Lucy’s entire family decorates the tree together and her sister-in-law overreacts when the tree is brought in with “IT’s BEEEEAAAAUUUUTIFFUUULLLL” and a dramatic hand flourish. I wonder if the people in Hally’s go to a specific over-acting class before they book the role.

Once Upon A Main Street – Lifetime (Vanessa Lachey, Ryan McPartlin)

Once Upon A Main Street

Amelia and Vic have both put an offer in on a storefront in the “perfect” spot on Main St so obviously they will battle to the death and try to bribe the owner of the shop to sell it to each of them. But the owner of the shop is Patrick Duffy and you can’t play him, he’s been around the block a time or two in the TV movie landscape. So instead these two will just fall in love and split the shop in the end, naturally. What lands this movie on the watch list is 1000% the side character of Rowena, aka “sassy pottery bitch” in my notes, who Amelia and Vic have to work with to win some Christmas award or something. In Rowena’s first scene, she refers to the local contest sourly and goes, “it’s not Jimmy Fallon or anything” and Vic says “what is?” and she replies dry as hell, “True, True.” It’s the first time I’ve genuinely laughed out loud at joke delivery in one of these movies and not at the person for their poor acting skills and cheesy dialogue. Sassy Pottery Bitch deserves an Emmy AND an Oscar for this role. The rest of the cast is just eh. If I had to venture a guess, Vanessa Lachey is pretty much playing herself.

Bonus Points: Amelia was a real annoying and over the top twat-asaurus in the first few minutes of this movie because she was overconfident about getting the building and pulled a sharpie out of her purse and WROTE SOLD ON THE BUILDING SIGN as IF THAT’S HOW THAT WORKS. To make matters worse she drew the O as a heart. Can you imagine if I put an offer in on a house and then just walked by and WROTE SOLD ON THE WINDOW? Then took a selfie?! 

A California Christmas – Netflix (Lauren & Josh Swickard)

A California Christmas

I started this movie and immediately texted my sister saying I feel like I’m in deja vu. Although this movie was brand new on Netflix, I felt like I had seen it before. Was I going crazy? Have I started to dream in shitty Christmas love stories? Have I just seen an ALMOST identical movie with these two “stars” somewhere else? As it turns out, yes. These two starred in “Roped” together which was another garbo movie on Amazon Prime about a rodeo coming to town and this bitch’s family trying to get it banned but plot twist she fell in love with the cowboy so that really threw a wrench in the horse shit. It was bad. Like embarrassingly bad. So bad I blocked it from my memory and leave it to my sister to make the connection and prove that we’re not going crazy, we’re just addicted to trash movies. ANYWAY, another fun fact is that these two probably met on that set, fell in love and got married because they weren’t married when that movie was made but they are now. Cue *we found love in a hopeless place*. Good for them.

Back to this movie, Joseph is Zac Efron Lite (give it a few minutes, but you’ll see it) who needs to prove his worth as a corporate hot shot in the family biz and goes to buy out a small family farm but pretends to be a ranch hand named Manny instead. This creates a whole side story of the real Manny who goes into hiding to teach Joseph how to do farm shit but also starts a bromance with Joseph’s driver. The real Manny is hilarious and I guess what I’m trying to say is the way to win my heart over with one of these movies is to put a silly side character in for comedic relief from all the sob stories. There are a lot of sob stories in this movie. It’ll go from the real Manny saying ““If you take a squat on a stump and take a dump does that make it a toilet-tree?” (Poop humor kills every time) to sad music and a graveyard. Real rollercoaster. But the most important factors are that both of the leads are babe sodas, plus it’s Netflix so there’s LOTS of kissing and none are interrupted. In fact we even get a S-E-X scene GASP. In a field! Netflix, we need more of your PG-13 activities each holiday season. 

Bonus Points: Within five mins we’ve got a whole ass calf being pulled out of a cow. I saw April the giraffe give birth and honestly that was enough firsthand nature to last a whole lifetime. No more fluids for me. 

The Christmas Listing – Lifetime (Lexi Giovagnoli, Travis Burns)

The Christmas Listing

I gotta be real up front with you here, one Sunday I planted myself on the couch and watched FIVE (5) Lifetime movies back to back to back to back to back. In fact, I got a work call during one of them and I was legitimately T’O’ed that I had to mute it and do something productive. It was truly what Sunday’s are for. Especially at Christmas time. I started out with a cheerful vigor that I was about to just watch one and move onto something with more substance. And then they just kept rolling on and I became one with the almost kiss. Jk it still enrages me to no end.

Spoiler alert: I definitely got dumber. This one was lucky number 5 and it was 11pm by the time it was in rotation. I watched about 10 minutes of it. Here’s what I wrote in my notes: Babe soda Aussie, the girl is named Julia, is this a sign?! It WAS a sign. A sign that it was time for me to go to bed because there was nothing good about this movie other than the fact that the guy was of an appropriate age for me and handsome as hell. Take your W’s where you can.

Bonus Points: There was probably some sort of zany explanation for this but they were clearly at a house they didn’t plan on being at for a long period of time so they had to borrow clothes from guests left behind. All of their clothes were matching couples outfits. Nothing brings two people closer together than wearing his and hers Christmas sets.

Dash & Lily – Netflix (Austin Abrams, Midori Francis)

Dash & Lily

CURVEBALL! I figured since I tossed in a YA flick last year to keep things interesting, I’d add another newbie to this year’s list. It’s actually a series so it was 8 episodes, 30 mins. If you’re as much of a loser as I am, you banged this series out in an afternoon. Dash has a super messy family life which has turned him into a Grinch and he’s not even out of high school yet. Lily loves Christmas and also is JUST weird enough that she only hangs out with her family and has 0.0 friends. The two of them “meet” through a notebook and a scavenger hunt in a book store then basically become pen pals through said notebook because they’re in high school and they’re too insecure to meet in person. As someone who is still just as insecure now as she was in high school, I vibed with this. It was SUPER unrealistic of course, but after my obnoxious rant about Lifetime and Hallmark barking up the olds trees, I was happy to have some youthful spirit injected into my viewing szn. These two will probably break up by college but at least they’ll always have FALLING IN LOVE THROUGH A BOOK AT CHRISTMAS. Heartwarming.

Bonus Points: The Jonas Brothers. Not only did they make a cameo in concert form performing a Christmas banger, but Nick Jonas plays himself trying to give love advice to a bunch of high schoolers. It is perfection.

Cross Country Christmas – Hallmark (Rachel Leigh Cook, Greyston Holt)

crosscountrychristmas

Lena and Max are both heading home for Christmas and wouldn’t you know they’re from the same town and went to high school together and just bump into each other on the plane! But WHOOPS there’s a storm coming in and the plan has to land in Ohio and all of the buses are booked and the rental cars are gone and no planes are flying out so I GUESS THEY’LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE THEIR OWN WAY! What I liked about this movie immediately is that they didn’t give these characters the tried and true hate each other but are stuck traveling together energy. Of course, as soon as I made this note they started fighting after their truck broke down. But that was like halfway through. Lena has one of those made up jobs you see on the bachelor “creative solutions consultant” or something and she just wants to help everyone wherever they go. So they adventure across the country and stop and make new friends in each town. It’s not overly cheesy and I’ve digged Rachel Leigh Cook all the way since She’s All That HOWEVER…out of all the songbird scenes I consumed this year…this movie’s version was the most horrific trainwreck to watch. They’re asked to sing a carol together and unfortunately for all of us they don’t say “no thanks, we’re not really singers.” Instead, they tackle We Three Kings. They’re asked to sing a carol and instead of Jingle Bells or something equally as singalong worthy–these MF’ers pick WE THREE KINGS. And they butcher it loud and strong right up until the last line which they whisper. WHY NOT JUST WHISPER THE WHOLE THING YOU TONEDEAF BUTTHOLES? DO YOU WANT TO PUNISH US AS VIEWERS?! The answer is an obvious yes. UGH. Other than that scene, everything else was good. (You know, good for Hallmark.)

Bonus Points: They run into each other on the plane for the first time in what I would assume is 15 years and Lena goes the extra mile to bribe a flight attendant to get an eye mask for the flight. When Max asks if he can get one too Lena goes, oh I got these for you, I remember you being a big napper back in high school. CREEP CITY, POPULATION: LENA! Also when she plays Mary in the nativity play and comes onstage flailing her arms all over the joint was pretty cringe-licious.

Christmas Ever After – Lifetime (Ali Stroker, Daniel di Tomasso)

Christmas-Ever-After

I mean this in the most sincere way possible, this was my favorite movie this season. This was the one that was interrupted for a work call that I was FURIOUS about and I circled back to finish it so you KNOW I was committed. It’s no secret that one of my favorite episodes of the Saved by the Bell is the one where Zack dates a girl in a wheelchair and spends the entire episode drawing attention to the fact that she’s handicapped. Since this was the first time a movie had a wheelchair-bound lead, I assumed it would be the same sort of mildly offensive travesty. Lucky for girls on wheelz everywhere, it wasn’t. However, that didn’t stop them from making Izzie the most awkward bird of a human on this earth. And that’s where I thrive. Not only that, she is a trashy romance novelist and the lead man in her books is called Desmond. She goes to her favorite lodge that she spends the holidays at each year and lo and behold, she sees a guy who looks JUST LIKE the lead character in her erotica. Obviously she takes this as a sign to live out her books IRL and get inspiration for her re-write. About 30 seconds after laying eyes on Matt for the first time, she pants over him to each member of his family separately, including Matt’s daughter. Put it on ice, girl, his kid doesn’t want to hear that she has a DILF. She even gets caught trying to snap sneaky pics of him to send to her editor. What an embarrassing human and also relatable as hell. We’ve all been there. Izzy continues to be thirsty AF for Matt and at one point we see her waking up with a start and honest to God my first thought was oh she just had a wet dream. If this wasn’t a PG network, I would’ve really appreciated some red hot read scenes in this movie. It would’ve been a perfect match. Instead, when I googled the movie I was met with this image:

plexiglass

And boy do I love the internet. I NEVER would’ve known watching this movie that their kisses were plexiglass style due to COVID. Now that I can’t unsee this, I remember that they obstructed both of their smooches in the movie so we couldn’t see that there was a WHOLE ASS PIECE OF GLASS in between those lips. Jeeze these networks really take prude to the next level. Netflix would’ve been tongues out AWL day. 

Bonus Points: Izzy has quite the bond with Matt’s dad and I didn’t know how weird it was until he turns to her in a crowded room and goes “Izzy, what do you think?” And she replies, “Yeah, let’s do it, let’s sing” and slowly spins her wheelchair around and breaks into solo song as people are sitting and eating their dinner. Also anytime she calls going for a walk “a push” and when Matt kneels down in front of her so they’re eye to eye and she goes what are you proposing? And he says no, the view’s just better down here. SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH. 

 

 

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Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2019 Edition

Suuuuper late and kind of short edition this year but honestly with the way these networks and now streaming services are churning out holiday content, it’s become a full time job to keep up. Literally, I had to quit my job in order to have time to watch any of these. The things I do for shitty holiday movies. Speaking of getting paid to watch movies, I don’t know what it says about me that several people sent me the link to the contest that went viral where a marketing company was looking for someone to watch a shit-ton of Hallmark holiday movies for $1000. I mean I know what it says about me, but it says even more that I responded with $1000 is too low, considering I do it right now for free. But seriously, they were looking for the person to live stream while they watched and blast out free advertising on all social media platforms. These hot takes are worth more than $1000 and also I can confidently say that trashing half of their movies probably would be frowned upon. And so here we are, I watch far too many garbo movies for free—and then give you snarky summaries that hopefully make you laugh and realize that you too don’t have a life, ALSO FOR FREE! It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

SKIP

Holiday in the Wild – Netflix (Kristin Davis, Rob Lowe)

holidayinwild

My mom was in town and typically we surf through Netflix, pop on a movie and then she ceremoniously falls asleep halfway through and let me tell you thank God we chose this one because IT DESERVED A FULL SLEEP-THROUGH. It was my first festive movie of the season and I was taking a real chance anyway because it’s Netflix and as we’ve established on this blog in the past, Netflix should not be in the holiday movie game….but I thought, it’s Rob Lowe. That guy made Drew Peterson, a murderer of several wives, look slick as hell in a Lifetime movie. This can’t lose. Oh, but it did. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie Kate sends her only son off to college and is dumped by her husband at the same time she was going to surprise him with an African safari. Oopsie! She goes on the African safari solo and I assumed it was going to be a little Under the Tuscan Sun, Eat, Pray, Love vibes. It soon becomes a movie mostly focused on elephants. Which I can get down with. What I can’t get down with is Rob Lowe deadpanning, “Some say it’s the most dangerous animal out there but it’s not. We are.” SPARE ME, ROB LOWE. With that opening line from him, strap yourselves in for a whole lot of long, blank stares and 0 comedic timing. Kate casually extends a two week vacation into moving to Africa because we can all just do that no prob bob. In summary: elephants are cool has hell but they couldn’t save this dumpster fire of a movie.

Bonus Points: When Kate unpacks a framed picture of her college-aged son for her two week vacation. Normal stuff. Also this son is Rob Lowe’s IRL son, because of course.

son

Check Inn to Christmas – Hallmark (Rachel Boston, Wes Brown)

checkinn

If you’ve read my yearly installment of this blog, you know that we’ve got two hall of fame heavy-hitters in this movie, which is why it was appointment DVR’ing for my sister and I. Here’s the deal: Julia is coming home for Christmas from the city where she has a hoity-toity corporate law job and wouldn’t you know IT’S THE CENTENNIAL CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION! It’s such a big deal that there’s a literal Grand Marshal of Christmas and wouldn’t you also know that Julia’s sister and Ryan’s brother are both competing for it. Their two families are small town rivals who both run inns and are getting pushed out by big resorts. Blah, blah, blah, as my sister shouted at the screen at one point, “less chit chat, more Wes Brown!” Obviously these bitter rivals team up to help each other out in the Christmas trivia AND IN LIFE! But what cannot be tolerated in this movie is the gross over-acting. I’m not sure if they all went to the same acting class where it was taught to them that facial expressions and yelling means you’re a good actor but dear lord it was vomit-inducing. Case in point, Grandma has the CRAZIEST eyes that are bulging 24/7. In any given scene, she has erect eyeballs just peeping in the corner.

Bonus Points: Julia, a grown adult staying with her parents for Christmas, is woken up by her dad (Al from Home Improvement) SCREAMING at the top of his lungs, “JULIA, DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME CALLING?!” If my parents ever woke me up in this manner I’d set myself ablaze. In fact, my sister thought it would be funny to try it the next morning for me but she forgot. Had she followed through, we would’ve had a murder on our hands. Also, all either family does for the entire movie is drink hot chocolate. You’ll never find them in a scene without hot chocolate in their hand. In my sister’s words, “mix in a cocktail.” What a bunch of shouting squares.

Christmas Unleashed – Lifetime (Vanessa Lachey)

christmas-unleashed

Becca heads from NYC down south to Gram’s for the holidays with her dog Henry. The opening scene is her talking to her dog an abnormal amount and then talking about him an abnormal amount to her Grams. I’m a dog lover so I was like well that’s her bestie so it’s whatever. I start to worry a little when her Grams says if only Henry was a person he would be perfect for you. And I wonder if this is going to be one of those “magical” movies where the dog becomes a person and I was ready to shut that right off. Instead, we find out that her ex boyfriend Max, the town vet, dated her for four years and also was Henry’s dad until they broke up, womp womp. The two reunite to find Henry, who is basically just a little rascal on a mission to get his mom and dad back together as he’s spotted at all of their most nostalgic spots then watches them reminisce. Spoiler alert: it works. Double spoiler alert: all of my worries at the beginning of this movie were confirmed when Becca has her first flashback of the movie and says in a gooey voice, “This is where Henry and I first met.” I have all of the uncomfies in the world because if I wasn’t convinced at the beginning, I am now, Becca would like to date and/or marry her dog. It’s a good thing Max is into that sorta shit, otherwise this would have a very different ending. Shout-out to my mom for wondering aloud, “Why are all these movies so cheesy?” Oh Cin, they keep making ‘em, and we keep watching ‘em. It’s the circle of life.

Bonus Points: At Henry’s first spotting on the tree farm, the group starts to look for him and excitedly shout, look like he’s headed that way, as they point to spray painted paw prints in the grass. Crack team. Also equally as entertaining as a dog leading his owners on a scavenger hunt is the gay law partners in town who are just learning to speak for the first time by the sounds of their very over-pronounced dead pan cliche We ❤ Lin Manuel Miranda dialogue. (Let it be known, however, both gays are WHITES. GASSSSPPPPP.)

Holiday Rush – Netflix (Romany Malco)

Holiday-Rush-Movie-on-Netflix

I’m gonna be honest, I zoned out of this one almost immediately. I was like oh I love Rome from A Million Little Things and I work in radio, so let’s do the damn thing. Then I was immediately bored. Mostly because I hate spoiled little B’s and his children were THE MOST SPOILED. He’s a morning show radio host in NYC (big $) but the station gets bought out and he’s the first to go. And rather than his kids being supportive and all we’ll rally togets for the holidays, dad. They’re all like THIS IS THE END OF OUR LIVES HOW AM I GOING TO POST MY CHRISTMAS GIFTS ON INSTAGRAM?! If I were this dad I’d immediately disown these shits. But he sticks it through and works hard to create his own radio station but also downsize from their mansion to the house they originally had that his kids bitch about like Santa’s little a-holes. There’s a couple of ghost cameos by LaLa Anthony as the dead mom/wife to spice things up but unless you want to cringe your face off at spoiled kids and a matching jammies proposal, skip this B.

Bonus Points: The final scene when Auntie Jo strips down into a slutty red lace number and hits the stage for a live performance out of NOWHERE. Dear, sweet Auntie Jo has been hiding a WHOLE LOTTA WOMAN under those sweaters.

Holiday Date – Hallmark (Brittany Bristow, Matt Cohen)

aholidaydate

The movie kicks off with Brooke on the phone with her parents talking her new boyfriend up as Mr. Christmas and with that cocky nickname, I already know Mr. Christmas will be dumping her before he makes it home for Christmas. Coincidentally enough, Brooke goes to a party directly after the purely predictable dumping and meets an actor who wants to research a small town for an upcoming role and now she’s bringing him home to pretend to be Mr. Christmas. Unfortunately he’s Jewish and also the world’s shittiest actor. He gets a real hard-on over the town and method acting. At one point he cleans her dad’s glasses with glee and calls it a “prop”. So I guess he’s just pretending to be a Hallmark actor who has absolutely no chill. He’s playing himself, folks! I deemed this movie unwatchable and turned it off right around the point where they accidentally convince the family they’re engaged and Joel/Ethan turns to Brooke and no bullshit goes, “How do we ever reverse course from this.” Goodbye. Put me in the ground because this is the biggest loser to ever grace the Hallmark screen and it ain’t even close.

Bonus Points: When Brooke’s parents find out they might be engaged—her dad says “They’re engaged?!” and her mom replies “Why are you so surprised, they’ve been dating for 6 months! That’s how long it took you to propose to me.” UM, I’M SORRY IS 6 MONTHS LONG?!

A Christmas Wish – Lifetime

(Hilarie Burton, Tyler Hilton, the entire B team of supporting cast members from One Tree Hill)

achristmaswish

This year’s One Tree Hill reunion on Lifetime is a must-miss. It’s one of those magical Christmas “spell” movies so not only do you have to suspend belief, but also all fashion sense because everything that Faith wears in this movie should be burned. (After asking my sister if she had any thoughts to add to this blog she unprompted shouted “I HATED CHRISTMAS WISH IT WAS LITERALLY THE WORST AND EVERYONE LOOKED LIKE GARBAGE.” So basically we have the same brain.) Faith’s sister bullies her into submitting a Christmas wish to find herself a mans by Christmas and thanks to ~MaGiC~ it makes every male she ever comes across v horny for her. What a drag. Also I still don’t understand the relevance of this to the storyline, but someone bumps into her with hot coffee three times and HOW DOES THIS BITCH NOT HAVE THIRD DEGREE BURNS?! Dubz also, Faith has a date with someone she’s crushed on in the coffee shop and within 30 seconds of said date, tells him she stalked him on the internet before meeting up so maybe Faith really does need a Christmas wish to get a date because she’s a full-blown creepster. Lastly, true to this year’s trend, there is a gay brother in a bi-racial partnership with a mixed child. I’m noting this because every network except Hallmark (for obvious banned same-sex kiss commercial reasons) is SHOVING the gay, bi-racial brother bit down our throats. Never one to dip their toes in the water, they wanted to go full force with the LOVE IS LOVE theme, and what better way than an exuberantly gay couple that also has a little flava. Unfortunately for OTH fans, they chose Jimmy Edwards (as he will always be known) to prove this point. A flamboyant Jimmy is such a far cry from a suicidal gun-toting teen that it was more of a stretch than a Christmas wish that makes everyone slobber all over you. Mouth would’ve been more believable. Unfortunately they also tried to break him from his typecast and made him a drummer in a band. LOLOLOL. I realize that this blurb is only for lovers of One Tree Hill and I’m ok with that because as long as they keep whipping up this cast at the holidays while they’re on break from conventions in North Carolina, I’m going to keep talking about them as if they’re still the characters from a mid 2000’s teen soap.

Bonus Points: A cameo by Ryan Cabrera at the holiday party and he quite literally follows Faith around serenading her because he too has fallen under her spell. Also, Deb—get it gurl! Still lookin TIGHT. Bet she could still get after Skillz.

oth

WATCH

Let It Snow – Netflix

letitsnow

MIXIN IT UP, YO! Tossing in a little youth flick. You know me, I love to get LIT with the YOUTHZ. Jk you really know that if there’s a teen movie on Netflix, I will immediately watch it. Though few live up to my eternal boner for The Kissing Booth, I am willing to shout out when one surprises me. This one definitely surprised me. It’s one of those following a bunch of different couples ala Love Actually that all intertwine in the end. If I may also draw another comparison, it’s basically a 2019 version of the all-time classic Snow Day. Instead of a creepy, rotting teeth snowplow man as the misunderstood villain, we have Joan Cusack as “Tin Foil Woman” driving a tow truck. This in itself made me cackle. Since we live in a much more snowflakes (pun intended) time period than when Snow Day was made, Tin Foil Woman actually has a heart of tin foil and we learn to love her and respect her differences even though she definitely could be a danger to society. She doesn’t ever reveal why she’s wrapped in tin foil though and this is something I will wonder until I die. ANYWAY, there’s too many characters to remember all of their names but the movie has the classic “anything can happen when it snows at Christmas” sort of vibe to it and everyone can enjoy that very optimistic sentiment about shitty winter weather. It’s cute and funny—there’s a girl who buys an actual piglet for her BFF as a Christmas gift, a classic commoner and superstar love story, a bleeding nipple, & the most epic final banger at the Waffle House that could not be more midwestern and high school snow day goalzzzzz.

Bonus Points: Since I championed how cute this movie is, I feel like it’s my civic duty to warn you that there is an organ duet in a church that made me cringe out of my skin and maybe you should 100% fast forward through this. It started out and they are both terrible singers and then they just fully committed to the whole song and I wanted to chop my head off and hide under the couch because how can people CONFIDENTLY SING when they stink this bad?!

Grounded for Christmas – Lifetime (Julianna Guill & Corey Sevier)

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Don’t know either of these leads but the female looks like a long-lost Olsen twin and that’s good enough for me. Look at me taking a chance on up & comers on the holiday TV movie scene. Truth be told my sister had to convince me to watch this one because I felt like I couldn’t believe in this straight love story after seeing how incredibly gay the lead guy looked in the preview. She assured me it was just a bad picture and it turned out to be a hit so I’m glad we had this completely irrational disagreement on choosing a movie. Tale as old as Lifetime, Nina and Brady are totes opposites, their flight is grounded by a snowstorm and they pretend to be dating so that Nina’s family doesn’t think she’s a sad single at Christmas. What a lovely lesson these movies teach us that if you’re considering going home for the holidays without a man on your arm, you should probably jump directly off of a bridge. But I digress, this movie isn’t really a wow factor but something that I did love is that Nina has a sassy best friend who calls Nina on her bullshit and I feel like we don’t see a lot of that on these preachy ass networks. They’re all so supportive and rah-rah all the time that sometimes you just need a best friend who sees that you’re falling for your pilot co-worker, tells you he bangs all of the flight attendants and that you need to maintain the no dating pilots GURL code. At one point Nina is all, no, no, I’m not really into him we’re just pretending, this is a role I’m playing. And Tara serves her with a dose of realness asking if she’s Meryl Streep now. YES TARA, CALL HER OUT. In the end Tara obviously supports Nina ditching their girls beach trip but I still ship a friend that doesn’t just go along with these garbage falling in love storylines right away. A skeptic, if you will.

Bonus Points: Nina and Brady attend a party at her brother and sister-in-law’s house and after the White Elephant gift exchange, the S-I-L walks around the living room with a mistletoe hanging off of a stick and hangs it over each couple as everyone stares at them and forces them to kiss and you know what, if Tara was invited to this party I’m GUESSING she’d call this a little rapey and weird. WHAT KIND OF PARTY GAME IS THIS?! Forcing people to smooch as adults while everyone watches is incredibly creeperoni. Knock it off!

Christmas in Rome – Hallmark (Lacey Chabert, Sam Page)

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This movie could easily go on the worst list because of all the awkward as hell things that occurred in it but I believe I have a little soft spot for cheesy Italian movies thanks to our gurl Lizzie McGuire. Angela is an American living in Rome, wanting to start her own tour company (she’s going to call it “When in Roma”–CLEVER AND ORIGINAL!!) and Oliver is the corporate tight-wad whose visiting to acquire a handmade ornament family business. It’s Angela’s task to teach Oliver the culture of Italy because they do business differently and Luigi ain’t gonna just hand over his family biz to a greedy American who will ruin everything. Oliver takes one tour with Angela and suddenly he thinks they’re dating. It’s a real weird transition but these two are both babes so I guess it’s ok that Oliver 100% coerces her into dating him even though she says she doesn’t date clients. What happens next is two people knowing each other for like 4 days and then discussing long distance dating from halfway across the world. Their first date Christmas gifts include a handprinted ornament and a framed selfie. THINGS MOVE FAST IN ITALY, JUST ASK PAOLO & ISABELLA!

Bonus Points: Angela finds Oliver in the last scene to tell him how she feels BY USING THE GPS TRACKER SHE PUT ON HIS PHONE IN CASE SHE LOST HIM IN A CROWD. That’s like year 8 of marriage, y’all. STALKER ALERT! Also their first kiss is to the tune of Under the Sea Jamaican version of The First Noel and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Ghosting: The Spirit of Christmas – Freeform (Aisha Dee, Kimiko Glenn)

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When I chose to pop this movie on, I was really just trolling myself and how far I was wiling to go for a holiday movie. Because the description of this movie is literally: Jess goes on the greatest first date of her life, but inadvertently “ghosts” Ben when she tragically dies in a car accident on the way home. And I asked myself, are we really doing this? And it turns out, when I commit to a bit, I commit hard. So yes, I filled up a solo cup with rosé and watched a Christmas movie where the main character dies in the first five minutes. Not only that, but I GLEEFULLY watched it. I couldn’t WAIT to rip this flaming hot garbage premise for a Christmas movie apart. But…I honestly… couldn’t. It really was a clever movie. It was self-aware to call itself out for the bullshit of a literal ghost being able to do some things but not others. I mean, she has sex with her alive man candy AS A GHOST because that can apparently happen but ONLY at the winter solstice. They consult a spirit guide to confirm penetration can occur between the living and the dead. I’m getting carried away here, just wanted to get straight to the ghost and human sexual relations but essentially the story is that Jess goes on a date with Ben, they hit it off and she’s already yapping about him to her BFF but then dies reading his flirty post-date text on her drive home—she literally stops in the middle of an intersection to read “You’re pretty great.” Let this be a lesson to us all, don’t text and drive unless you’re good at it. Jess unfortunately learned this lesson the hard way. Then she is stuck in ghost land and can’t ascend to heaven —only Ben and her bestie Kara can see her so they make it their mission to find out why she’s stuck and get her to ascend. Hence Ben banging her. Apparently he thought he’d give her such good D that she’d shoot right into the afterlife. Sorry for Ben’s sex skillz, but the real love of her life is her best friend because gurl don’t need no maaaaans, just a BFF4Lyfe! (& death)

Bonus Points: Jess died in the most aggressive car crash and yet…open casket. HOW. The writing in this movie is actually clever, but the writers also had a real boner for Notting Hill because the “I’m just a girl” quote was abused twice: “I’m just a ghost, standing in front of an alive guy, asking him to go on a second date.” AND “I’m just a ghost, standing in front of her best friend, asking her to fly.” Once was funny, TWICE WAS OVERKILL, guys.

Knight Before Christmas – Netflix (Vanessa Hudgens)

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I’ve been beyond complimentary to Netflix this year by putting not one but TWO of their originals on my watch list. I’m not going to get ahead of myself and say that they’re getting better—case in point, Holiday in the Wild, but I do think they’re so thirsty to become the go-to Hallmark for Christmas originals that they’re just throwing all of the shit at the wall to see what sticks. I will also point out that they’re so obsessed with themselves that they’re now using their own movies to advertise their other movies. This one featured the main characters WATCHING Holiday in the Wild and mentioned the fake town from the A Christmas Prince trilogy. Relax, Netflix, you’re trying the hardest and it’s getting embarrassing. Knight Before Christmas is asking us to do a lot of legwork in suspending belief because a witch in the forest sends a knight from 1336 to 2019. Sir Cole is just wandering around the Christmas market when Brooke runs into him with her hot chocolate. Then later on, for good measure, literally hits him with her car. Why? Because a snowstorm appeared out of nowhere and apparently we’re escalating “bumping into each other” as a meet-cute to potential vehicular manslaughter. See what I mean here? Netflix is extra. Brooke then feels guilty for hitting a stranger wearing full knight’s armor with her car so she invites him to come stay with her because she wants to get murdered at Christmas, apparently. Sir Cole can’t be a murderer though because he’s a babe soda and suuuuper chivalrous. He does good deeds all over town (f’real though, him saving Brooke’s niece is pretty swoonworthy), knows his way around the kitchen-there is a v. sexual bread-making scene, and still finds time to Netflix and chill. What a modern knight. Don’t worry, if this movie didn’t satiate your 14th century cosplay fantasies, they blatantly set up a sequel with Cole’s younger brother for next Christmas.

Bonus Points: This knight mf’er calls the TV “the magic box that makes merry” yet when he asks if he can take Brooke’s car somewhere she just casj tosses him the keys like it’s no big thang. REALLY? YOU THINK THIS MEDIEVAL TIMES GENT WATCHED YOU DRIVE YOUR CAR ONCE AND JUST KNEW WHAT TO DO?! HE RIDES HIS HORSE EVERYWHERE BUT SUUUUURE LET HIM DRIVE YOUR LEASE, BROOKE! Honestly this part triggered me and I found him driving her car and not killing anyone even more unbelievable than a witch sending him from 1336 to 2019 just to fall in love. Also, when Cole wants more “mead” AKA hot chocolate at the diner he pounds his glass and screams ANOTHER ONE, WENCH! And I for one welcome us making that acceptable again because there have been many a time that I’ve been at a crowded bar and wish that I could get a competitive edge over the next bar-mate on a beer refill. If I could do that without getting kicked out, we’d be GOLDEN.

Same Time, Next Christmas – ABC (Lea Michele, Charles Michael Davis, Bryan Greenberg)

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Easily, without question, the best new Christmas TV movie this year. Between the star power, the setting of Hawaii (if you could see me right now, I’m obviously doing the hang loose hand jive), and the fact that they expertly avoid many of the dumb ass holiday movie tropes that Hallmark so very much needs, this was a clear winner. Olivia and Jeff’s families have been celebrating Christmas in Hawaii since they were little and they obviously become vacation boyfriend/girlfriend who pen pal throughout the year and then kick it island style for the holidays. Rather than having two people fall in love in five minutes, or putting high school sweethearts back together immediately, this movie takes place over several years and it’s actually refreshing to have a believable storyline. Of course, it can’t all be believable and there is an enormous plot hole when they show all these lovely childhood Christmases with just Olivia and Jeff playing in the sand and their parents adoringly watching. Cut to fifteen years later and they both have older siblings. Huh? How do we just create siblings out of thin air? And of COURSE, Olivia’s brother is gay and married to a black man with a mixed child. DING DING DING, check those boxes ABC! (Hallmark, everyone still hates you.) But beyond the made-up sibz, both parents KILL it as supporting storylines. Jeff’s dad is the classic out of touch old guy who only speaks in sports references and Olivia’s parents are hippies who can’t stop tonguing each other. Hey, it’s Hawaii. IT’S ROMANTIC! Poor Gregg (Bryan Greenberg) gets the shitty boyfriend treatment standing in the way of soulmates but also when Jeff emerges from the ocean with a glistening six-pack it’s like GREGG, WHO?!

Bonus Points: Honestly I spent the whole movie with outfit envy for every single garment of clothing Olivia wore, drooling over her hot bod and also wishing I could spend Christmas in Hawaii.

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Pop Culture, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2018 Edition

Listen, Hallmark really doubled down this year and it was actually difficult for me to keep up. Starting BEFORE Thanksgiving, they were on a roll debuting 2-3 per week, getting an AGGRESSIVE jump on the holiday movie watching szn. Obviously that was far too overwhelming for me. So with the help of my equally as TV holiday movie obsessed sister, we printed out each channels schedules and highlighted our favorites based on plot and if the guy was hot. We created quite a robust list and got to watching. So here we are, your annual installment of the best of the worst in holiday trash movies. PS Due to the large number of movies to view between the two Hallmarks and Lifetime (and I guess Netflix), Ion and ABC Family had to be cut from the list. You understand why. Please respect our decision at this very difficult time.

SKIP

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Christmas at Graceland, Hallmark (Kellie Pickler, Wes Brown)

Right off the bat you would think this is going to be a golden Hally because of ya boy Wes. He’s higher up on the list of Hallmark hotties and I thought that would be enough to pull us through this flick. Sadly, I am here to report that it was not. Centered around a music theme ala Graceland, this movie was nearly unwatchable. Laurel goes back home to buy a bank or something corporate and Clay is like remember when we used to sing together and god I wish she hadn’t remembered. Could have saved us all from a whole lot of Silent Night. No seriously, this one song was performed no less than 6 million times throughout the course of this 2 hour movie. I feel it is also important to point out that although Kellie Pickler is actually a singer, she chose to lip sync in this movie and I’ve never seen a more horrible hack job. Even pop stars still sing during their music videos so it looks real. COME ON, KELLIE! Also, there is a child in this movie and she sings as well.

Bonus Points: Kellie not even attempting to hide her southern twang and everyone else in the movie having no trace of an accent. At the end (spoiler alert) when Laurel gets everything she ever could’ve wanted, she could not look less enthused. What an actress.

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Christmas in Evergreen:Letters to Santa, Hallmark

It took me the entirety of this movie to figure out that this was a sequel to an already present story line on Hallmark. I would’ve really hated to have to sit through more than one of these. Lisa doesn’t want to put down roots but she really wants to go back to her hometown for Christmas. YA, Ok. On her way home she has side of the road flirtations with the guy that she’ll most obviously end up with when she seems like the ultimate cool girl who fixes his truck. There’s a whole slew of characters all coinciding at once in this Evergreen place and naturally that means Hallmark needed to toss in a dubbs coups because they can’t just focus on one cookie cutter romance at once–it’s their new favorite thing to do and I for one, hate it. This particular version had a white couple and a black couple because black people fall in love at Christmas too. #Diversity on Hallmark. There’s a little wrench in the mix when Lisa’s PLATONIC BFF comes into town and Kevin thinks she’s taken but have no fear because they kiss when the bells ring and the little kid with the lisp FINALLY finds a lock that his key works in. THANK GAWD.

Bonus Points: When these two discover that they REMEMBER EACH OTHER FROM CHILDHOOD and there’s a flashback to them literally just being in the same general store writing letters to Santa like every kid in that town did.

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A Christmas in Tennessee, Lifetime (Rachel Boston, Andrew Walker, Patricia Richardson)

Andrew Walker, once of Hallmark royalty, now switching over to the Lifetime side, is typically a must-see for holiday staples. He’s cute and charming and usually has a little bad boy edge to him. Unfortunately, I’m gonna need him to take a beat after this one and reassess. The story revolves around Allison, whose a baker and single mom to Olivia. Patricia Richardson makes a star-studded appearance as her mom and naturally Matthew (Andrew Walker) is the corporate big wig trying to buy out the family business and take over the town UNTIL he spends time there and realized the importance of Christmas and family and that is obvious. To be completely honest this movie is all over the place and there’s so many stories happening at once that it’s exhausting. Santa and Mrs. Clause like Allison’s cookies so it becomes a marketing ploy/reason for Allison’s daughter Olivia to get bullied for still believing in Santa. There’s a conniving assistant to Matthew who forges a signature to sell the property. Allison’s dad died recently, Matthew lost a fiance 4 years ago, the mom is still sad about the dad dying and an old guy is pursuing her HARD. As my notes read, “Pull the story together homies or we take Andrew Walker back.” You’re on notice, Lifetime.

Bonus Points: At the children’s play when little Olivia (a partridge in a pear tree) gets bullied about being poor, dad-less, and believing in Santa by a kid with a drawn on Hitler ‘stache. REALLY?! This mf’er is bullying someone while he looks like that?! I would’ve knocked his stupid nutcracker hat clean off his head if I were Olivia. Kids are the worst. Also, the mom from Home Improvement sings at the end to close up the randomness that was this movie.

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The Princess Switch, Netflix (Vanessa Hudgens)

This now marks the second Netflix Christmas movie that has been so awful that I’ve turned it off before finishing it. That alone should be evidence enough that Netflix needs to read the room and slowly moonwalk out of the holiday movie game. You came late to the party and nobody likes you, cut your losses and leave before Hallmark and Lifetime have to physically boo you out of here. Anyway, from what I did watch here’s what I can tell you…Stacy is a baker who got dumped and her ex already moved on with what seems to be a real biddy. So she goes to a baking competition in a country probably located next to Genovia in made-up fairytale land. A weird magical guy who pops up all over the joint is VERY fixated on fulfilling a Christmas wish for Stacy. There’s an annoying over-acting child and a straight rip from The Parent Trap handshake. And true to the switching places classic trope, Stacy finds that the Duchess of Belgravia(?), Margaret, looks identical to her and is yearning for a normal bakers’ life of chaos. Of course since we’re dealing with a fictional country, an accent that sounds somewhat British and somewhat bullshit is tossed into the mix so watching Vanessa Hudgens navigate that is lolworthy.

Bonus Points: A VERY predictable love interest switcharoo and a Chicago baseball cap that never goes away in case you’re ever wondering where Stacy hails from. Also the two “twins”/ “distant relatives” physically running into each other the first time they meet.

 

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Christmas at the Palace, Hallmark

It pains me to do this because we all know I have a raging girl crush on Merritt Patterson, but this movie blows big time. It’s no coincidence that the two royal movies were B2B on my skip list. Katie and her bud Jessica, are just two average girls from Trenton, NJ who have an ice skating show in made up San Senova. Katie PHYSICALLY runs into King Alex in the plaza even though neither of them are blind. It’s alarming how often they have people bulldozing each other over as meet-cutes in these garbage royal movies. They’re hired at the palace to throw an ice dancer Christmas pageant because the King’s daughter Christina, is a real fan girl. She takes up FAR too much of the storyline and obviously drama ensues leaving them both to bail on the pageant. Well, one of them bails and then comes back and skates right onto the ice as if she never left. Nice try, girl.

Bonus Points: When Katie breaks the news to Christina that she’s ditching her lame ass pageant, even though the whole thing started because her and Jessica–professional skaters–were hired to put it on, she gives her a cheap ice skating figurine at the same time AS IF THAT WILL MAKE HER ANNOUNCEMENT LESS DOUCHEY.

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Hometown Christmas, Lifetime (Beverley Mitchell, Stephen Colletti)

Noelle’s dead mom used to run the live nativity in her southern hometown every year, so Noelle (who is supposedly a doctor in Chicago, though it’s mysteriously never brought up again after the first ten minutes) comes back to revive it. Her high school sweetheart who broke up with her to go pro in baseball lives back at home now because he blew out his arm or something equally as cliche. The whole movie throws a lot of incesty vibes with Noelle’s family, especially her relationship with her brother, which is far too flirty for comfort. In fact, when the whole fam troops on over to the county fair, they go to do a “southern snowman” contest and Noelle is like obviously we’re partners to her brother and he has to be like um, maybe this year my partner should be my fiance. YIKES NOELLE, READ THE ROOM. In another completely unbelievable storyline, their dad announces he’s dating someone new, then invites Noelle’s ex boyfriend Nick and his mother over to go to the county fair where they immediately eye bang each other. It is VERY apparent that he’s dating Nick’s mom, and yet when the two are found playing tonsil hockey underneath the mistletoe 20 mins later, Noelle is like DAD WTF YOU’RE DATING HER?! How was that not obvious? No seriously, what idiot didn’t pick up on those clues. The two of them were basically drooling when they greeted each other and both kids were like oh this is normal, they’re just friends?! ANYWAY, after 100 million things go wrong (and Noelle and Nick make amends even though their parents are dating as well), the nativity DOES happen and of course, per 2018 holiday movie tradition, ends in TERRIBLE song.

Bonus Points: When the church floods and they have to find a new venue for their live nativity, they go to the local theater and the owner is like oh damn, we’re all set up for this week’s production of a barnyard play. And Noelle and Nick are like the world is ending. Then Noelle has a light bulb and goes to an abandoned barn, where they decide to hold the nativity. IF THE THEATER WAS USING A BARN SET, HOW IS GOING TO AN ACTUAL BARN ANY F*CKING DIFFERENT?! Ok. I’m done. If you’d like to be entertained by this movie instead of triggered by their stupid script writing, check out Bev’s very apparent lazy eye and drink every time it’s looking in a very different direction from the other.

WATCH

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The Christmas Contract, Lifetime (OTH Reunion)

You knew that no matter what, I was gonna love this movie as a diehard One Tree Hill fan. Was it confusing that they cast this movie then did a reunion immediately following it without Chad Michael Murray and Bethany Joy Lenz who were also in tv holiday movies this year? Sure was. But either way, I’m gonna ship any sort of cast hang for a show that was basically my obsession from ages 13-22. The movie itself has Jolie (what a southern name) bringing her bestie’s brother Jack  home for Christmas as a fake boyfriend  because her ex has already moved on. Other than the fact that Skillz and Rachel Gattina are married in this movie, we get a song and performance from Tyler Hilton (with gratuitous slow dancing in jean shirts) as well as a little Clean Teen drop in from the leather pants wearin hussy who stole Mouth’s virginity. They really pulled out all of the stops for this one. Something that is extremely important to note, Jolie’s ex boyfriend is hideous. He has FOREVER greasy hair with quite the five head. In fact, my sister pointed out he’s basically a younger version of Marv. So he’s got that going for him.

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Obviously the two fall in love while fake dating and learning about each other and the fam loves Jack. There’s even a campfire singalong to Deck the Halls that makes me want to rip my ears off. Good, clean, holiday fun for all.

Bonus Points: For all of you 7th Heaven stans, Jeremy London is a supporting role and wears a variety of fedoras. One is corduoroy. There’s also a fun scene where Jolie has to teach her greaser of an ex boyfriend that breaking up means not talking anymore. Also, Robert Buckley in dark framed glasses…sup?

Full Disclozsh: If you’re watching and feel so inclined to watch the HOUR OTH reunion they tacked on afterward to grab more viewers, SKIP IT and thank me later. It’s a bunch of not at all related to OTH Christmas games and it’s embarrassing for everyone involved.

 

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Poinsettias for Christmas, Lifetime (Bethany Joy Lenz)

It seems as though it would be approps to get all my fellow OTH’ers out of the way at once. Bethany has been lookin like a dime lately and really killin it in the holiday movie game. Last year she had a winner with Andrew Walker and this year she got me to care about Poinsettias. Control freak Ellie comes home to her family’s farm to help save it and there’s a babe soda working there, encroaching on her fam’s territory so obviously they are going to butt heads and fall in love. There’s the classic ole spray each other with a hose and have a snowball fight with virtually no snow as flirting. There’s a chance the Poinsettias won’t be ready for delivery by Christmas and it’s a real nail biter until obviously Ellie pulls some bullshit theory out of her ass and saves them. There’s some random side story about Sean possibly dating this TV personality who was trying to buy the family farm? but in the end they “break up” and at the Christmas parade, Sean tosses aside a hot dog before smooching Ellie, which almost makes me put this movie on the shit list. DO NOT WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD WIENER FOR ANYTHING, let alone a mediocre closed mouth kiss.

Bonus Points: Boo thang Sean built his own log house. What a Noah Calhoun swoon.

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Pride, Prejudice & Mistletoe, Hallmark (Lacey Chabert, Brendan Penny)

Darcy (Lacey) comes home to take time away from her job. She immediately dumps her boring finance boyfriend who also happens to work for her dad and reconnects with her high school debate teammate Luke while they plan her mom’s Christmas event. My first thought is could her family BE more involved in her love life? My boyfriend’s first thought is all of the men in this movie are clearly gay. He’s just bitter I’ve already forced him to watch double the amount of holiday movies as last year and we weren’t even into December yet. Although in relation to the men in this movie, the only requirement I saw for a male role was having a ridiculously deep side part. There’s a song and dance (not literally, this can be confusing as many Hally’s this year have leaned heavy on the musical numbers…rest assured this is a welcome non-singing installment) about kissing under the mistletoe where Darcy continuously hard passes Sean every time he tries to sneak a smooch “per Christmas tradition”. Obviously she finally gives in at the end.

Bonus Points: When Darcy’s bro and sis in law announce their pregnancy on top of her breakup announcement. They’re like can’t wait to celebrate Christmas the four of us and Darcy’s like uh no we broke up and those assholes are like NO THERE’S FOUR OF US, pointing to her belly. Way to breeze right over her heartbreak and still manage to make it about your not even showing baby bump. Thank u, next.

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Mingle All the Way, Hallmark

In the spirit of full disclosure, I saw like the last 40 mins of this movie but it was enough to tell me that it was much better than some of the trash they were tossing out this year. A lot of this review has to do with the fact that the guy is cute and there was NO singing. Molly creates an app that pairs people up (much like a dating app) so that you can have a companion for all of your holiday biz parties/events. Her and Jeff get matched up and since she wants to prove to her judgmental AF parents that her app is a success, they stick it out for all of the holiday season, natch falling in love in the process. I don’t know who the hell has this many events around the holidays but I’d like your job, plz. I haven’t been able to score one open bar holiday party since about 3 years ago and these people are like we have multiple engagements. MUST BE NICE. Although not to brag, but totes to brag, I won a $50 gift card to Target at my holiday party for my part time job this year so I’M BASICALLY RICH. I’m still excited off of the high of that. Didn’t need a date from an app to WIN BIG AT THE RAFFLE. Anyway, there’s a little ex reappearance at the end to confuse this maybe professional maybe romantic relationship (go away, ASHLEY) but in the end, dating apps take the W in this very 2018 Hally.

Bonus Points: Molly somehow manages to fall OVER the Christmas tree and right into Jeff’s arms for a catch FULL of panting, staring and sexual tension. Spoiler alert: this doesn’t result in a kiss because it’s not the last scene of the movie and any kiss before the final 5 minutes is ALWAYS interrupted. Also at one point Molly says “My compliments to the Jeff” while eating Jeff’s cooking and my eyeballs roll at rapid speed out of my skull.

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Time For Me To Come Home For Christmas, Hallmark Movies and Mysteries (Megan Park, Josh Henderson)

Famous country singer Heath (we quickly learn he only sings country Christmas songs), who also confusingly sometimes goes by Lee meets Kara at the airport in one of those classic we’re both going home for Christmas but our travel plans keep getting f’ed so we’re just going to end up making our own way together, road trip with an attractive stranger style. It takes Kara an unnatural amount of time to figure out that Heath is a Grammy-winning singer, which she irrationally gets pissed about. Sorry he’s not a douche who announces that he’s famous when someone doesn’t recognize him, Kara, THAT’S ACTUALLY AN ADMIRABLE QUALITY. True to this year’s traditions with Hallmark, there’s a LOT of singing (specifically terrible lip syncing, which I guess is just their MO) as well as annoying children trying to steal the spotlight. I’m willing to ignore all of these things because somehow I still found this movie more tolerable than most. There’s a lot of sob stories as we learn that Heath/Lee lost his dad recently and Kara lost her mom. They also stay with an old friend of Heath’s en route and the wife is sick. At one point in the movie my boyfriend had an outburst where he yelled, “is this guy gonna choose whether or not he wants to have an accent?!” And that was probably the most exciting moment of the movie. Clearly we’re both triggered by actors being terrible at accents. I perfected my British accent just from being obsessed with Harry Potter movies when I was 12, actual actors who get paid for it should probably know how to do a southern drawl or an American accent. In the most cringeworthy of grand finales, Heath/Lee is struck by inspiration and writes/sings a new song on Christmas day around the fire. Kara joins in, making it a duet of a brand new song that she’s never heard. His mom awkwardly stands far too close to him and bops in his face while he plays the guitar, then she too takes a solo verse right there on the spot and then Kara jumps in for one as well because why not? Suddenly out of nowhere there’s a violinist and Heath’s sister is playing guitar. I literally had to ask myself if I was on drugs or if this scene was real life. Everyone breaks into applause when Kara and Heath hug. Goodnight.

Bonus Points: Lee/Heath’s mom gives him a photo album that they’ve been talking up for the entire movie that she spent all year making. He flips through it at rapid speed, looking completely disinterested and then abruptly gets up to leave and find Kara who he just saw five minutes earlier. Instead of his mom being like wtf you ungrateful twat, she’s like follow your heart, son! Also, at the beginning of the movie there’s a flight attendant that is vying for worst movie character of all time. She denies Heath a spot in first class on the plane and tells him there’s no exceptions then asks him for an autograph. The same condescending MF’er then escorts annoying kid #1 off the flight and when Heath gifts the kid wings from his dad who was a pilot, she whine-sings “LOOK WHO GOT HIS WINGSSSSS.” Bye, bish. Get lawst.

Christmas-Wedding-Planner

Christmas Wedding Planner, Netflix

I DIRECTLY contradict myself with this one. My artfully worded diss to Netflix on my Princess Switch review will be eaten in full after watching this number. Technically it’s a last year edition that was overlooked, but nevertheless it IS a Netflix original and I DID like it. Turns out it was based on a Harlequin novel and judging by my rabid taste for red hot reads, I’m not surprised I loved this one. I’m giving the novel credit here instead of Netflix because I’m still annoyed at the fact that they’re trying so hard to be a holiday TV movie competitor. Regardless, Kelsey is a disaster, clumsy wannabe wedding planner and her first job is planning her cousin’s wedding. So basically me minus the planning my cousin’s wedding part, which can easily be remedied if my cousin who is getting married in the fall is reading this. But I digress, Kelsey’s cousin Emily and her aunt Olivia are classy AF so the pressure’s on to throw the perfect event. She has a little meet-cute moment with her cousin’s ex boyfriend who also happens to be the PI investigating her cousin’s fiance, Todd. Ya follow? They do everything they can to make Todd look like a supreme slimeball. I literally cringed out of my body the first scene he’s in where he drops off jewelry to the bridesmaids and says “he just wants to keep his ladies happy.” BARF BARF BARF. He also has a very apparent tick where he winks on every other word that escapes his perv-tastic mouth. These are red flags! How did this beautiful girl fall in love with this dirtbag? As you might presume, Kelsey and Connor investigate Todd while she continues to plan the wedding. They naturally fall in love, probably because Connor’s business partner and BFF is Joey Fatone. No seriously, JOEY FATONE. And his acting is NEXT LEVEL bad. We get it Joe, you’re Italian. In the end, there’s a soap opera wedding moment where it turns out *SPOILER ALERT* Todd knocked up the maid and his parents tried to pay her off. GROSS, TODD. Since the wedding is canceled it obviously makes the most sense for Kelsey and Connor to get married because who needs Connor’s family at the wedding and most marriages that’re built to last start from knowing each other a couple weeks before getting engaged and married right on the spot…everybody knows THAT.

Bonus Points: A very rom-com stakeout montage. They laugh, they snack, they sing and dance in goofy sunglasses, they take selfies, they snuggle into a nap. The makings of every great relationship depends on how good they montage. Plus these two are both babes. 5 stars.

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Pop Culture, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2017 Edition

Here we are. The third edition of my cheesy holiday movies blog where I sacrifice my time to watch ALL of the made for TV classics. Since last year’s installment was never published due to running out of time/maybe a little bit of holiday laziness, I’ve combined movies past and present. It doesn’t really matter anyway, Hallmark, Lifetime, Ion and UP basically play a 24/7 rotation of original movies dating back to 2007 all December long so you really can’t go wrong. Feel free to scroll through my recommendations and laugh at the terrible acting and unrealistic relationship storylines to prepare for the most joyous holiday of the year. Because if Hallmark has taught me anything, it’s that Christmas is the time to reflect on your life and also to marry someone you’ve been on two dates with.

WATCH:

Christmas Cookies, Hallmark

christmas cookies

“Christmas is what you make it, or bake it!”

Hannah works for a big company, travels to a town called Cookie Jar. No, seriously. Cookie Jar…and has to learn about the cookie factory their town with a dumbass name was built upon because her boss is going to franchise it or something. There’s a kid in it, which is always a hard no for me but besides her screech worthy singing at the tree lighting, she’s not terrible. Also a key side character: a meddling troutsniffer named Betty who immediately tries to marry Hannah off and make her a permanent resident of Cookie Jar, as old people in Hallmark movies tend to do.

Bonus Points: Hannah’s square of a boyfriend introducing himself as her “significant other” and then proposing. Also the lead (and real love interest) is a babe soda.

A December Bride, Hallmark

decemberbride

It’s pretty much scientific fact that any Hally with Bride or Wedding in the title is going to be an automatic homerun. (Snow Bride & A Bride for Christmas are both HOF’ers.) There’s just something about marrying the guy you just met at Christmas that resonates with America. This one is obviously no different. Layla’s ex-boyfriend marries her cousin on Christmas EVEN THOUGH THEY BOTH KNEW THAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED A CHRISTMAS WEDDING. What a couple of turds. Layla reacts perfectly by wearing a skanktastic dress to their wedding and pretending to be engaged to her ex’s best friend. After debuting their fresh relationship at the wedding, it may strike you as unrealistic that 30 seconds later when they say they’re actually engaged, all their family and friends are like yes ok this makes sense–congrats!!! She decorates his house to get ahead in her career and he’s like I always loved you anyway so let’s get married for real.

Bonus Points: turning Seth’s (Daniel Lissing) attempts at doing an American accent into a drinking game. Watching the moment when Layla gets hired by a big wig and hugs him in a backless dress. As my sister so nicely put it “I could hear the skin to skin contact from my couch.”

Christmas in Homestead, Hallmark

homestead

Full discloszh there’s a kid in this one but also there’s a two for one love story combo deal. Choose your battles. Jessica is a movie star filming a movie in, wait for it, a small town called Homestead. Matt is the mayor and thinks Jessica is a real twat of a celebrity until he gets to know her and they do Christmas things together with his daughter. Matt’s sister falls in love with a paparazzi who then publishes a scandalous pic of Matt and Jessica not even kissing and he basically ruins everything. Except not really because Jessica suddenly becomes a better actress, changes the ending of her movie and decides to stop being such a princess. SMALL TOWN LIFE AT CHRISTMAS CURED HER!!!! IT’S A MIRACLE. Unfortunately, paparazzi love didn’t work out the same way. Boohoo.

A Dream of Christmas, Hallmark

a dream of christmas

I didn’t see a whole lot of movies where Santa grants a wish, so this one will have to fill our quota for this year. Penny has a hot husband and a kickass job and for some ridiculous reason wishes that she didn’t? I don’t know. I’m not exactly clear on why she would ever utter the words I don’t want to be married when she is married to this:

andrewwalker

But regardless, she wakes up single as a bird and an executive in her company. Lo and behold she discovers that not having Stu in her life sucks the big one and she wants to do a little reverse, reverse on her Christmas wish.

Bonus Points: Andrew Walker. Seriously, this guy is Hallmark gold. What a piece of eye candy.

My Christmas Love, Hallmark

my christmas love

This movie was almost unbearable due to the lead actresses’ high pitched and overly excited voice. I say almost because she had a SLEW of hot ex boyfriends that all pop up multiple times and it kept me hooked. Cynthia’s cross to bear is that she thinks every guy she dates should want to marry her and do big romantic gestures always. So when someone orders the 12 days of Christmas in gift form to be delivered to her house, she assumes it’s for her which is selfish AF and starts chasing down exes to find out who she needs to marry. Turns out her hot coworker who came home with her for the holidays doesn’t love Cin being such a thirsty bitch because he’s in love with her of course. She embarrasses herself a lot, but no more than when she wears a plaid mini skirt and knee high boots to a date with her high school sweetheart. Clean it up, Cynthia.

Bonus Points: a final choreographed dance number and Cynthia feeling like a REAL self-centered B when it’s revealed who ordered the gifts.

The Christmas Cottage, Hallmark

christmas cottage

This is your VERY basic, cookie-cutter Hally. The old flame, the douchey work-focused boyfriend, hokey Christmas magic, and two attractive leads. I mean, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, amirite? I’ll be the first to admit that I’m putting this on the watch list mostly because of the female lead, who I’ve had a hardcore girl boner for ever since she was on season 1 of The Royals. I mean, seriously. Babe alert.

meritt patterson

Either way, here’s the deal…Ean (dumbest spelling of that name ever) and Lacey were childhood sweethearts who broke up because Ean wanted to travel the world and be a kewl chef and Lacey just wanted to design shit 24/7. They’re reunited for his sister’s wedding at the MAGICAL family Christmas cottage and wouldn’t you know, one snowflake falls to the ground so obviously it’s a state of emergency and the roads are closed, leaving them to talk it out and relive old Xmas memz during a forced sleepover at the cottage. Lacey’s boyfriend is wearing a suit every time she facetimes him so obviously we don’t feel bad when she inevitably dumps him for her old BF. Because whoever steps foot inside the Christmas Cottage, leaves with their forever love and that seems PRETTY OBVIOUS.

Bonus Points: Lacey’s BFF and Ean’s sister being the most overbearing, pushy chick on this earth and also sipping hot chocolate inside by the fire with a full winter coat on and a blanket.

Snowed Inn, Lifetime

snowed inn

“Have you ever been in love? Does Kelly Kapowski count?”

Much like the previous Christmas Cottage, this is a no frills holiday movie. Jenna and Kevin are both assigned to a writing job in Aspen but have a detour by way of a town called Santa Clause. Of course. Because who doesn’t get approached at the airport by a couple that looks like Santa and Mrs. Clause, asking if they want to stay at their Inn. They’re both competitive and terrified of love but they discover the magic of Christmas AND co write an article together. NOTHING LIKE SANTA’S MAGIC, YA FILTY ANIMALS. Of course it wouldn’t be a movie without a douchy boyfriend that can’t take a hint and Jenna’s ex trolloping into town and proposing to her after admitting he’s never read one of her articles was claaaaassic.

Bonus Points: Santa and Mrs. Clause rigging the whole thing. Those rascals. Also one year later we get a callback to the inn, proposal by way of article and BAM, wedding. All in the span of 5 minutes. Gotta love it. My only bone to pick is that Bethany Joy Lenz promoted this movie tirelessly on her instagram as a funny movie and I didn’t crack a smile once.

Switched for Christmas, Hallmark

switchedforchristmas

WHAT a fresh premise for Hallmark…TWINZ at Christmas!!! Not since The Parent Trap have I seen an actress play double so flawlessly, and obviously the honor could go to none other than Hallmark Queen CCB. Chris and Kate are identical twins and they decide to pull the ole switcharoo at Christmas. Obviously they each fall in love with someone while pretending to be the other, which makes for some ZANY hijinx…in particular a scene at the Christmas carnival where they just confusingly say each other’s names for 10 minutes trying to guess who each person was. Chris? Kate. Greg?

Bonus Points: When Chris (or maybe Kate?) is legitimately shocked that her dad knows who she is. She’s like DAD HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?! Hey dummy, this guy created you, I think he can tell his own daughters apart with one glance.

SKIP:

The Mistletoe Promise, Hallmark

mistletoe promise

This movie right here almost ended a very healthy and loving relationship with my sister. We have a system every year where she buzzes through her DVR’ed Hally’s much faster than I do and therefore gives me a thumbs up or thumbs down for what ones to watch. When I questioned her about this one she gave me the thumbs up and I’ve never been angrier. It was SO bad that I fell asleep during the middle of it, still committed to finishing it and when my dad caught a few minutes he had to physically leave the room. This is the same dad that tolerates Teen Mom OG with me, so now you have a barometer of how terrible this movie was. Obviously Elise and Nicholas decide to fake date for the holidays BUT they’ve both had traumatic Christmases past and are scarred for life, which leads to an uncomfortable amount of emotional moments for two people who barely know each other. The cheesy moments far outweigh anything salvageable about this movie. Elise has a teary breakdown at one point where she suddenly develops a British accent. They awkwardly sing carols at each other in lieu of flirting. The list of worsts goes on and on.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: When Nick is at his corporate holiday party and decides to confess the relationship is a sham so he then begins his life story with “It was autumn…” This was the exact moment I almost took a dull knife to my skull and my father stormed out of the room.

Snowmance, Ion

snowmance

A girl wishes for love by Christmas (giving herself less than 15 days) and uses her dead mom’s scarf to magically bring a snowman to life and start dating him. No, but actually, this guy knocks on her door one day and his name is Cole…and he is a snowman come to life.

snowman boy

At one point he does something dumb AF and says “Gee, I must have a head full of snow.” GTFO of here, Ion. I mean I try to give Ion a chance because it gave me one of my holiday favorites, “A Christmas Kiss II” but like cut the shit with this premise. I finally had to change the channel because I couldn’t possibly watch a woman travel to Paris with a snowman and think they were going to get married. But as you might have predicted, she ends up with her ginger BFF whose been building snowmen with her every year and lusting the hardest. Also, because he is a real human.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: The fact that a guy is willing to get friend zoned for a solid 15 years and watch the love of his life date a snowman. AKA THE WHOLE MOVIE.

Christmas Next Door, Hallmark

christmas next door

“You don’t write romance novels…I’d rather LIVE ONE.”

Eric is an author of single guy books and his family tricks him into taking his niece and nephew for Christmas so he stops being such a grumpy, slicked hair dick. His neighbor April obviously loves Christmas and is all OMGEE let me show you the holiday spirit. It’s touch and go for a minute because Eric hates Christmas due to being robbed and having his proposal rejected on the merry day in the past. He gets over that real quick when he hears April practicing her violin and creams his jeans. Literally. This movie would be fine except that there were WAY too many things that drove me bananas and I will obviously point them all out now. I know production budgets are usually low but whatever substance they used as snow was constantly all over everyone’s boots and up to their eyeballs. As a Northeaster whose lived through many blizzards I CALL BULLSHIT. You don’t get snow stuck to your kneecaps just from caroling. Also the kids in this are annoying AF and can’t stay in character for shit. See if you two little rascals get hired for another Hally. DUBZ ALSO, they legitimately allowed this outfit to occur.

Screen Shot 2017-12-17 at 3.32.15 PM

I swear to God I thought he was naked for a solid ten minutes. WHO CHOSE THIS SWEATER COLOR?!

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: After all of that garbage, Eric gets a book deal and shouts BOOM SHAKALAKA with his agent as they high five. Goodnight.

Christmas in Mississippi, Lifetime

mississippi

I’m gonna be honest, I kept calling this a Tennessee Christmas and only wanted to watch it for a little OTH nostalgia with Jana Kramer. I also tried twice and never made it through to the end. Not a whole lot of spark in this movie. But anyway, Holly comes home and helps out with the annual Christmas light show, which OBVIOUSLY her ex boyfriend Mike is running. She’s butthurt because he dumped her when he was supposed to follow her to college. They rekindle, as all old flames do in the spirit of Christmas and you know the rest.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: When she sees Mike hug a girl who is engaged and then tries to homewreck her wedding by telling said girl that her fiancee has been unfaithful without knowing who this bitch’s fiancee actually is. OOPSIE. LOL. As if there would ever be an interracial marriage in a deep south town called Gulfport anyway. Get your head out of your ass, Holly.

A Christmas Prince, Netflix

christmasprince

Everyone’s salivating over this movie because Netflix is now dipping their toe in the holiday move pool. And you know what? I don’t support it. Mostly because they’re throwing shade at their viewers. You can’t create a cheezebomb holiday movie to play into the stereotype and get ratings, then call women sad for watching it. SHAME ON YOU, NETFLIX. Props to Lifetime for clapping back. This is the true reason for the season.

Anyway, I’m not only bitter, I also just plain thought this movie sucked. I couldn’t get through it to be honest. As all royal holiday movies go, an American reporter is assigned a story on a prince in a made up country. She ends up getting in with the fam posing as the little sister’s tutor and then SEES THE REAL PRINCE and FALLS IN LOVE and can’t possibly write a bad story about him. They really tug at the heartstrings by tossing a disabled child in the storyline but like it’s still not enough to save this flick. Mostly because I don’t think the prince is attractive AT AWL.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: Amber goes for a solo horse ride in a countryside that she doesn’t know at all and obviously the horse freaks out and leaves her alone in the snow with a casual pack of wolves before Prince Richard saves her. Yeah, ok.

Four Christmases and a Wedding, Lifetime

fourchristmases

This movie had all the potential in the world with some Grade A holiday movie actors but the storyline was fiery hot garbage. Chloe meets Evan before Christmas one year and is like omg he’s the one but then he goes to work overseas and for the next THREE CHRISTMASES, they are dating other people or just keep missing each other before they figure their shit out. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Fall in love in the duration of one Christmas or get the hell off of my screen.

Peak Cringeworthy Moment: The “meet cute” of Chloe being a spazzeroni and falling on ice skates into Evan. That’s probably what doomed their relationship to 3 very stressful Christmases. Jus Sayin.

 

Editor’s Note: It goes without saying (but my dad questioned why this was missing) any holiday movie past, present, or future starring Alicia Witt will forever and always belong on the skip list because her acting is straight dumpster fire quality. If you choose to watch a movie with her as the lead, I do not trust you as a human. The End.

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Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2015 Edition

It’s the most WONDERFUL time of the year. Where I watch B2B cheesetastic holiday movies and visions of going home for Christmas, flirting with my high school crush, having my high school crush tell me home is where I belong (while ice skating and falling in love), and then being married to him by New Years dance in my head. HEY if Hallmark says it’s going to happen…it’s GOING TO HAPPEN. This year’s guide is a continuation of last year’s, updated to include a fresh set of flicks for judging. Read up and navigate your way through TV movie magic this season.

 

WATCH:

Tis The Season For Love- Hallmark, 2015

Tis The Season For Love Final Photo Assets

Plot: Beth is one of those gals who left her hometown and high school sweetheart in the dust to pursue acting in NYC. Except when she comes home for Christmas and starts hanging out with her high school squad again she realizes that maybe it was a little hasty to take a dump on small town life when she can’t get an acting job for shit in NYC. Her ex boyfriend is married with a kid and SUPER queer (they’re still buds though) and her ex boyfriend’s BFF Dean sets his eyes on Beth now that they’re all grown up and reunited. It wouldn’t be a Christmas movie without a little magic of course, so the town Santa gives Beth the key to all her answers. A literal key that he bought at a thrift shop.

Bonus Points: The very cliché exchange of a guy and a girl making plans to hang out and the girl going “it’s a date! Well…not a date..err…uh..” I thrive on awkward sexual tension. Also Dean admitting that he ALWAYS had a crush on Beth in high school, of course.

tistheseason

Naughty & Nice- Up Network, 2014

naughtyandnice

Plot: Sandra has a radio show in Colorado a lot like Delilah but with less of a soothing voice. Pepper has a radio show a lot like porn but then gets suspended and recruited to co-host with Sandra for the time being. Obviously they hate each other because Pepper is disgusting and crass and Sandra likes to spend her free time helping middle schoolers find Christmas love. In like five minutes time their hate for each other has turned into the desire to bang and with a timely mistletoe peck their show becomes must-listen radio. Pepper’s all pervy and suggestive while Sandy scolds him like a mom. Lawlz, these two. Everything’s dandy until Pepper gets his old job back in LA and has to decide if it’s all about the Benjamins or all about the Luuuuv.

Bonus Points: A supes cringeworthy beach trip in LA where Pepper wears a black wifebeater and they make a sand snowman. I laugh out loud every time I see it. I laugh even harder when they long for each other, look at pics of that beach day and cry.

naughtynice

 

Once Upon a Holiday- Hallmark, 2015

onceuponaholiday

Plot: Princess Katherine (from a small fictional country) is on a trip to NYC around Christmas and sad that she has no freedom to do what she wants so she sneaks away to wander around the city like a homeless person. Katie promptly gets robbed (yet is not even a little sad that they stole a vintage camera gifted from her now dead mother) and a handsome stranger named Jack tries to help her out—as strangers do in NYC. While she’s on the LAM, she spends her time with Jack in an abandoned apartment that’s under construction—has this bitch ever seen SVU?—meets his family and casj never reveals her true identity. What allows me to forgive this absolutely ridiculous plot that would never fly today with the media and everyone’s attachment to cellphones is the fact that the actress Brianna Evignan has the best kind of Brooke Davis raspy voice and I immediately am mesmerized when she speaks. The guy’s cute too but like a dream raspy voice is what sold me.

Bonus Points: On their first “date” (once they’ve learned each other’s names), Jack gets Katie street meat with the works and tells her to “just get in there.” That’s my kinda dream date right thurr.

onceuponsmooch

 

Best Christmas Party Ever- Hallmark, 2014

bestchristmaspartyever

Plot: Jenny is a tightwad party planner and Nick has returned to learn the family biz so he’s prepared to take over for his aunt when she retires. Nick has a little time on his hands because he can’t land an acting gig in Hollywood but he’s charming AF and has jokes for days so obviously he irritates Jenny, who couldn’t tell a funny if her life depended on it. She dates a stuffy jerk from a corporation while Nick has a model girlfriend. Do you think that while planning the big Christmas party these two might realize that annoying the shit out of each other actually means they’re in L-O-V-E? I mean how could she not…this boy would make a nun swoon.

Bonus Points: Jenny’s lamewad “boyfriend” Todd fires her because she won’t agree to throw his company a sleazy Christmas party full of bitches and Ferarris. ALSO When Nick asks Jenny why she’s single she says “no one will ever live up to my dad who died two years ago.” Boner Kill.

 

A Christmas Kiss II- Ion, 2014

christmaskiss2

I will go so far as to say this was one of my favorite holiday movies I’ve seen in the past five years, and as you can see…I watch a lot of them. Also, the movie is sponsored by Kay Jewelers so you might guess how it ends.

Plot: Jenna—a former Clean Teen for all you OTH fans—ditched her previously moral values to mack it up with a stranger under the mistletoe in an elevator at work (while dressed like a slutty Santa for a modeling gig.) Turns out that stranger is Cooper, her boss’s brother and a real big whore. Right away I was all for this movie. It was like five minutes in and we had an elevator slobber fest like it was a steamy scene from a romance novel. You know how long it takes for Hallmark characters to kiss? An entire movie. And it’s usually no tonguesies. Anyway…Jenna tries to avoid Cooper’s advances because he’s a playboy and she doesn’t want her heart broken. She also has a hot neighbor whose hair looks sexy pushed back, for extra eye candy in this flick, if you catch my drift. Only time, and a bunch of sloppy elevator kisses will tell if Jenna learns to listen to her vagina.

Bonus Points: There are a lot. Cooper is shirtless for 90% of this movie gratuitiously. He also snakes a copy of one of her sexy Santa pics that he keeps with him at all times should the mood for a solo session arise. Cooper has a crazy bitch ex-girlfriend who comes over and takes kissy selfies with him while he’s unconscious…date rape-question mark.
xmaskiss

 

SKIP:

Christmas Inc.- Hallmark, 2015

Christmas Incorporated Final Photo Assets

Plot: Will takes over his dad’s supes successful company at like 25 or something and Riley snags a job as his assistant accidentally through another Riley’s resume with more experience. She keeps that info on the DL in order to prove herself but obviously it’s revealed after Will has become obsessed with her and it’s like the betrayal of the century, or something. No really, Will CANNOT get over that she got the job on false pretenses even though she singlehandedly saved a factory. To top it all off, Riley’s hair looks like it has a ponytail crease in it the whole movie, and I wish someone in wardrobe noticed and got her a new curling wand for Christmas instead of a rich, hot boyfriend.

WORST: Will makes Riley dinner one night and woos her by saying she reminds him of his grandmother. Cringez 4 dayz. At least her response is on point with, “Every girl is dying to hear she reminds a guy of his grandmother.”

When Riley Vance is hired after a case of mistaken identity, she keeps the truth a secret so she can help her boss William Young save a town at risk of losing their main livelihood just before Christmas even as she gets closer to William. Photo: Steve Lund, Shenae Grimes-Beech Credit: Copyright 2015 Crown Media United States, LLC/Photographer: Ben Mark Holzberg

 

Merry Kissmas- Ion, 2015

MerryKissmas

Fun fact: This is a linked movie with the aforementioned Christmas Kiss II. Basically Ion makes a version of the same movie every year, because every kiss begins with Kay, obviously.

Plot: I was keeping my fingers crossed for a Jenna and Cooper cameo in this one but it never happened. Instead it was the most boring and confusing movie ever. Kayla is engaged to a white Carlton who is kind of famous in that he directs the Nutcracker or something. Then she macks it up with the caterer for her engagement party in the magic mistletoe elevator and just casually doesn’t tell him she’s engaged. Then the engagement ends? Maybe? I’m not really sure because Carlton remains relevant for the rest of the movie and I hated it a lot. So basically Kayla is dating Dustin the caterer but still lives with Carlton and acts like his fiancé. It’s really weird. For such a banger of a holiday movie name this one really sucked.

WORST: Kayla throws out a lot of closed mouth smiles. There’s an irrelevant store owner with a shit accent at the beginning of the movie who randomly chases Kayla for like 5 miles. Kayla SOOKS at breaking up with people—the best is when she storms off to give Carlton a piece of her mind and ends up telling him he’s amazing a bunch of times.

carlton

 

12 Gifts of Christmas- Hallmark, 2015

12gifts

Plot: Anna is a personal shopper for Marc who works 24/7 and never kicks it with his family. He doesn’t even know what to get them for Christmas so he hired someone to figure it out for him. Hey Marc, a bottle of liquor or a nice picture frame will do. Be smarter. Obviously Anna brings out the Christmas spirit in Marc, getting him to work less and spend more time with his family.

WORST: Christmas music shopping montage with trying on goofy hats. Too many kid interactions for my liking, lots of nieces and nephews in the mix. On their first date Anna asks, “Do I look OK?” And he responds, “I’m not sure. You’re missing this…” and gives her a gold necklace with an art easel because she likes painting. UGH SO TACKY.

A Christmas Detour- Hallmark, 2015

christmasdetour

Plot: Paige is a twat wedding magazine writer planning a suuuuuper bougie wedding to her perfect fiancé. She’s on her way to their first Christmas with the in-laws when her flight is detoured in Buffalo and she’s stuck driving to NYC in a snowstorm with Dylan, the hottie who sat next to her on the plane. Overall I’d say this movie blows because Paige is insufferable. She carries her wedding vision board every time she changes rooms, wah wahs to strangers about her wedding and has a diary with a checklist for her perfect guy. Apparently her fiancé doesn’t make her laugh but this guy Dylan does so like it’s true loooooove.

WORST: There’s a sideline story about a married couple that was trying way too hard to upstage the main characters. Oh, boohoo you’ve been married 20 years and you’ve lost the spark. Maybz try spending time alone with each other instead of acting like you’re BFF’s with a bunch of airport strangers. Just a thought. christmasdetourextracouple

Christmas Belle- Ion, 2013

christmasbelle

I feel like it’s my civic duty to make sure that no one ever watches this abomination that is somehow called a movie.

Plot: A ratchet Christmas rip-off of Beauty and the Beast. Belle is hired to come manage an estate sale for this rich guy Hunter’s dad. Hunter is a real jackass and basically just yells at her all the time, mostly for being in the greenroom, where she absolutely SHOULD NOT BE rearranging his plants. She somehow falls in love with this ogre who is not a beast at all—in fact he regularly shows off his pecs…probably why she’s willing to overlook his butthole personality.

WORST: A soundtrack of creepy music plays throughout this entire movie. Whether the characters are speaking or not, there is irrelevant and quite distracting background music. It makes me want to throw things at the TV.

The Christmas Parade- Hallmark, 2014

THE CHRISTMAS PARADE – A popular network morning host finds herself humiliated on the air by her fiancé and disappears to a small town. While there, she helps a budding artist save a community art center for the town’s kids, by helping them with their float for the annual Christmas Parade. Photo:Jefferson Brown, AnnaLynne McCord Photo Credit: Copyright 2014 Crown Media United States LLC/Photographer: Peter H. Stranks

Plot: Hailee is a news reporter sentenced to 25 hours of community service in Carver Bend (“Where Christmas Comes Home”…no really that’s what the town sign says) for driving into a judge’s fence. She’s a bitch who hates Christmas but once she starts working with cutie teacher Beck and the town’s Arts center to build a float for the Christmas parade, suddenly she’s bursting with festive joy. Oh she’s also got a fiancé whose trying to sabotage the Arts center, or whatever. But love at Christmas ALWAYS WINS. There’s just too much of everything in this movie, mostly AnnaLynne McCord who I remembered I hate.

WORST: Actual conversation: Beck- “God bless broken roads, right?!” Hailee- “They lead to the best destinations.” Okay, Rascal Flatts. Do less. Beck also gives Hailee a painting of herself that’s preettttyyyyy creepy and triggers pre-crime red flags for me.

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Merry Christmas, everyone–I hope this painting haunts your dreams!

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