Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2017

Ah Halloween, the red carpet of holidays. Let’s judge this year’s crop of offensive, slutty, cute and over the top costumes from those who don’t need to Pinterest “DIY costumes from your closet” because they have hair, makeup and wardrobe at their disposal.

First thing’s first let’s get it out of the way up front so there’s no confusion. It’s not even a contest who won Halloween this year.

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If you thought for a second that I wasn’t going to include myself in this list like the narcissistic ahole that I am, you’re an L-7-WEENIE. Wendy & Squints fooooooorrrreeeeeVVVerrrr. Seriously. No one ever do this costume again because you can’t compete with us.

kim-kourt

My hate for the Kardashians is ever present but credit where credit is due, this costume killed.

alessandra-ambrosio

We get it. You’re a model. You have abs.

jon-hamm

Even men in Hollywood pull the bullshit I don’t really feel like dressing up so I’m going to wear what I usually wear and call it a costume. Not cool, Jon Hamm.

kim-kardashian

This probably isn’t the time to be doing this but can I voice my concern for Jonathan’s face these days? Does it still move?

ariel-winter

Because why wouldn’t her bhole be out? All skeletons wear fishnets and an asshole-eating leotard.

adele

I’m not sure what the end game was here but applaud the effort.

paris-hilton

If you had told me this pic was from 2002 I would’ve believed it because I bet Paris has worn this exact costume before. Also JASMINE HAS DARK HAIR. PICK A BLONDE PRINCESS. IT’S NOT THAT HARD.

karlie-kloss

Can’t go wrong with the classics.

demi-lovato

SELENASSSSSSSSS ❤ I’ve already declared my fangirling for Demi recently so obviously I support.

jennifer-garner

The fact that Jen Garner probably Amazon primed a bunch of pizza cat-wear makes her so relatable and more loveable than she already was. PS in case you couldn’t tell by my strongly hinted undertones: Ben Affleck is a foooooool.

rita-ora

Damn, gurl.

rachel-bryan

Ugh, these two are still together? Bryan WOULD be the most famous playboy known to man. Rachel should’ve been Beyonce and that SEEMS PRETTY OBVIOUS.

willpoulter

It’s almost alarming how much this guy already looks like Sid. Way to play into it.

gma-halloween

GMA cast went full superhero. Playing it safe.

klg-hoda

Sometimes I wish I was still unemployed so I could see an off her rocker KLG do a Miley impression.

lauer

This year’s installment of Matt Lauer really wishes he were a woman. (Also my mom hates Matt with the fire of a thousand suns and ALSO Dolly Parton so this year’s combo must’ve left her shook.)

roker

Black Willie Nelson. I dig. Remember when Al pooped his pants at the White House? People don’t forget.

strahan

I’m like oddly into Michael Strahan with long locks.

aubrey-oday-halloween

WTF.

gabrielleunion

I’m so jelly of all the celebs that can do awards show looks with the exact same wardrobe.

jessia-alba

This is such a perfect pregnancy costume, no matter how old Juno is.

kristen-bell

Lololol that Kristen’s kid made her dress up as Elsa. Sucks to suck, Anna.

nphfam

NPH’s family never disappoints. The pageantry is unreal.

Queen of DIY Halloween costumes going evil this year. Wish I could’ve seen her little nugget as a Dalmatian.

HERE HE IS!!! Worth it.

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🦄

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Slob kebab unicorn?

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Georgie!! Georgie!! #HappyHalloweenFolks 🎈🎈

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Holy. Shit.

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Is it over yet?

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Sick costume, Lena.

This is awesome. The matching grey beards seal the deal.

Kimmy K’s third costume took a lot of heat. PS where the F is Kanye?

Other than Heidi Klum, here’s the most over the top Hollywood Halloweener and I’m terrified every single year.

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#strangerthings have happened #happyhalloween

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Oh hey guys, Wells is dating Sarah Hyland. Also Sarah Hyland IS the little boy from Stranger Things.

TBH, Tay’s new material opened the door for a WHOLE LOT of costumes and this is the only one I’ve seen so far. I’m a little disappointed!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Ba6qmf8j9rA/?hl=en&taken-by=kellyripa

Ryan pulling a Matt.

Welp, you can’t unsee this.

Natch the Timberlakes nailed it. Where are they trick or treating though…the woods?

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Willie & Waylon #Halloween2017

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Love that Jessica could basically go as herself in daisy dukes forever but she decides to dress up as an old crusty man.

What a shame to cover Chan’s face.

I thought about doing this costume but didn’t want to do intricate deer face makeup. Totes overlooked the opportunity for a onesie.

I ❤ that Jessie basically points out how much these costumes suck.

Whoa that’s accurate.

These two look like literal wax figures. Also no baby bump….not for nothing but THIS WHOLE PREGNANCY THING SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT.

kylie-jenner

Speaking of fake pregnancies…I’m onto you Kris Jenner.

jwoww

This is adorbsies. Kudos to JWoww. Never thought I’d say that.

fergie

Aww Tink & Peter. And Tinks’ fanny pack.

coco

A firefighter….rrrrrighttt.

gigi-zayn

I hope this was just a premature camera shot because I don’t want to live in a world where Gigi’s boyfriend can’t even lift her. Come on, Spiderman Zayn.

giselle

Look at that goofy ass face on Tom Brady dressed as an avocado. Priceless.

propertybros

People can BARELY tell you apart and you dress as the same costume on Halloween?!

heidi-klum

Seriously? Could Heidi Klum’s costume reveal be more overrated every year? WE WAITED FOR A WEREWOLF?!

And cutest costume of the year goes to…

My little nugget oinker niece who crushed it without even being amused.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/16/17

Took a significant break from JUicing because Hollywood’s not funny nor entertaining when every female is getting sexually assaulted. But in the spirit of another TSwift drop, I was forced out of retirement…again. (Also I started a new job and I had to test the waters on blogging at work. Turns out we Gucci.)

1. Nope.

Alright, I’m out. I mean it was bound to happen. If you’re going to release three songs from your probably only 13 track album (just release the whole damn thing already) I knew there was a chance I was going to hate one of them and here we are. Going from singing about sex in Ready For It.. to you’re too gorgeous for me and I’ll just get drunk and go home to my cats. Really Tay?! Grow up. This is 100% a song for her preteen superfans and I’m just far too mature for it, honestly. Everyone’s saying it’s about her new boyfriend Joe Alwyn who is not the type of gorgeous that you write a song about his face. (“Cause you’re so gorgeous it actually hurts”) Scott Eastwood? Sure. This guy:

joe-alwyn

Not so much.

PS GTFO of here with adding children into a song. This isn’t Kidz Bop.

2. Everyone should watch this.

I had a really adult night where I gave myself a face mask and watched a YouTube documentary about a Disney star and I have 0.0 regrets about it. In fact, I encourage all of you to do the same. This doc was riveting. Probably because I’m unhealthily invested in the lives of celebs but also because I think Demi is wildly talented and got a bad rep just because she liked the nose candy. I mean, her and Selena were like toe to toe coming up from Disney and Selena ended up with more clout just because she didn’t go to rehab…which sucks because Demi actually has a good voice. But anyway, watch this for juicy tidbits about how she was a G-D trainwreck while touring with the JoBros at like 18. I mean think about it, this was the time when the Jonas Brothers were PEAK purity rings. And they’re touring with a girl whose trashing hotel rooms and punching backup dancers on a private jet. Quality entertainment. (I could’ve used even more BTS stories from this time, tbh.) Also there’s some great insight into her relashe with Wilmer Valderrama and how he literally wouldn’t talk to her until she turned 18. (Yeah, Ok.) Either way, fire up YouTube and treat yoself.

3. Ed Sheeran probably watched Demi’s doc.

ed

Apparently Ed just recently revealed that he, too has battled substance abuse. I mean it’s not hard being in Hollywood and using all of the things. Ed admitted that he got outta control and decided to go off the grid for a year to get his shit together. I think we can all collectively thank his boo, Cherry Seaborn. Because even though she has a stupid AF name, she influenced Ed to stop raging and without her we would not have Divide. True story.

4. JT is the perfect husband.

Do I support their marriage? No. Is it because I’m jelly? Yes. So here’s a little happy anniversary from me to the Timberlakes, by posting JT’s serenade to his wifey. Bet she really appreciated it as she sat at home taking care of their kid while he was out with the boyz doing a late night recording sesh. Jk she was probably drinking wine with Reese Witherspoon or something while the nanny watched their kid. Most importantly, JT is back in the studio.

5. Girl Crush Updates.

I don’t really have a fifth headline to blab about this week so instead let’s check in on my #1 and #2 girl crushes because they’ve both been on my radar this week. Blake Lively is promoting something. What is it? No idea. All I know is that whenever she promotes something she wears 100 cool ass outfits for press and looks like a total babe soda.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaT0CfZgE7n/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaUOuOqgMBy/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaUccg5A8hH/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXG1LEApgh/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BaZj5FvgzTm/?taken-by=blakelively

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https://www.instagram.com/p/BacdZ4XAIRn/?taken-by=blakelively

Even though she wore a full men’s suit and a torn up bedazzled jersey, I still love her so much.

And mah gurl Sophia Bush signed a deal with 20th century to produce and star in new shows. Dunno anything else about it other than she best be gracing my TV in a new number one hit right quick. Click here for full story.

sophia-bush_0

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/25/17

1. Kardashians Multiply Like Gremlins. (shouts to This Is Us)

khlokylie

What a whirlwind of pregnancy announcements it’s been since last Friday. As soon as I published last week’s JUice, it hit the airwaves that Kylie Jenner is expecting a child with her rapper boyfriend who I didn’t even know she was dating. Kylie is 20. This “announcement” (even though no one from the fam confirmed it) came hot on the heels of their 10th anniversary special on E so ya gotta know Kris Puppetmaster Jenner was behind the whole thing. Still debating on if it’s a hoax that was used for ratings because we know everything must be on brand for this family and a borderline teen pregnancy doesn’t REALLY seem on brand. THEN at the beginning of this week it comes out that Khloe is pregnant as well. With her NBA boyfriend. JEEEZEEEEE. Again, no verbal confirmation from the family that never shuts up but I’m led to believe that Kris will be next at this point. Because you KNOW she needs to be a part of the attention and drama. Also fun fact: Kim and Kanye are expecting via surrogate. So basically, blink and they will multiply. And also, tune into their show because THEY’VE BEEN RAPING OUR TVS FOR 10 YEARS NOW. WUPH. (PS in case you were wondering I scooped everyone I know on both pregnancy announcements and it was a high like no other.)

kuetk

2. RIP Hef.

hef

That dirty dirty old man finally kicked the bucket and the world will forever remember him as a legend. Hef basically made sex slavery trendy and we were all fascinated by it. How does a man in his 70’s and 80’s have multiple girlfriends? I ate that shit right up. I watched the TV show and read all the articles. NEEDED to know the system that was in place that put one boobalicious blonde above another in the hierarchy of girlfriends for one geriatric gent. What were their roles? How often did they have sex? Regardless, when I heard the news of his passing I mentally gave a shout out to Crystal, his latest wife who is probably still in her 30’s. I was like wow, good for you girl. You snuck in at the bell, lived in his mansion and probably didn’t have to sex him up because he was beyond old as dirt at that point and now you will collect riches and have your full life ahead of you to start over. Except maybe NAHT because rumor has it he didn’t leave a dime for her. In which cause that BLOWS. But is also hilarious. Hef pulling one last prank from beyond the grave. GOTCHA, Crystal!!! Thanks for the blowies! (Is what I imagine he’s saying up in hussy heaven)

3. JT does LII.

jT

This isn’t really official yet but I want it to be SO bad. A JT halftime show is BOMB. He puts on the best show I’ve ever been to and I might just have to win the lottery and attend the actual super bowl, put up with bullshit football just to see this go down live. You know he’ll have MAD musician cameos because everyone loves him and the medley of fire hits would be unstoppable. I’m literally salivating as I type this looking forward to a halftime show for the first time since N*SYNC Britney and Aerosmith. Could it be a little risky because the last time JT graced the Super Bowl stage he pulled Janet Jackson’s nip out for the world to see? Kind of. But it’s been years. Give the guy a second chance to redeem himself. But also, nips are old hat. You’d have to do a whole lot more to shock today’s America and I’m ready to see what he has in store for us. LETZZZ GOOOOOOO.

4. JLD has breast cancer.

Well this sucks. She wins her 6th Emmy (breaking actual records) and finds out the next day that she has cancer. This wasn’t a happy scoop that I gave. BUT hopefully it will be when she beats it and everything will be fine again and she’ll keep slaying at every awards show ever.

5. Watch Channing Move DEM HIPS.

Yeah I get that it’s been two weeks in a row of me tossing in a James Corden vid but he’s just so goshdarn likeable. PLUS Channing. AND Magic Mike. Cue Ginuwine…and the weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/18/17

1. Dave Grohl.

I’m gonna be honest, when Peyton and Brooke wrote Dave Grohl on the hot guys list on her closet door, I was like meh, seems like such a Peyton “I’m a brooding emo rocker” thing to do, I don’t really see it. And then I see him do an interview or watch a live performance and I’m like YUP. I get it.

One Tree Hill Character Quotes

In kind of related but not really news, I gave two weeks notice at my job, which has landed me in the sweet spot that everyone must find themselves in at some point where you have two weeks of kind of pointless time at your job. You’re finishing things up but not really starting something new, because why start something new when you’ll just have to hand it off anyway. And thus, I found myself putting my feet up and watching this lengthy carpool karaoke on full screen while at work. Sorry not sorry. Whatever, it was a good one. I mean seriously, how often do you hear of someone having their broken ankle/leg held in place so he can finish out a concert? Baller status.

2. Audrina pulls an Audrina.

audrinadone

So apparently Audrina and Australian Corey are getting a divorce BUT the real JUice lies in the fact that she also has a restraining order against him. They have a baby and got married a few months after she was born but it’s now coming out that he’s been abusive for essentially their whole 10 year on and off relashe. Not to make light of abuse because it is certainly not funny, but while reading an article on People covering the news, Audrina LITERALLY quotes that she thought having a baby and getting married would make him better. Insert thinking face emoji x a billion. Also again, not to add fuel to the fire, but as a devout Hills fan who watched Justin Bobby LITERALLY make out with a hideous red head right in Audrina’s grillpiece and then have her continue to date him for a few more years….yiiiiiiikes.

3. NIALL ❤

Even though I once declared that Zayn won the post-1D solo act, I’m willing to go back on my word and admit I was wrong. It’s like all Niall needed was to get his braces off and he’s full blown man now. All of his solo hits have been ah-mah-zing and he’s just so mature and soulful now. Between the old man scally cap that he casually wears to pints with his mates and the straight on-camera stare at the end, I was like whoa, Niall is here to stay.

4. BTS Pile full of Tays.

Remember when this video came out and I was genuinely like, I studied film and still don’t understand how she did this pile and made it look so realistic? Yeah, well I wish I didn’t learn. Because it made it 100% less cool. Come on Taylor, leave a little mystery there. Also, you don’t need to make yourself more relatable by acting awkward. We know you’re awkward, gurl. Let us enjoy LWYMMD for what it is…you clapping back and looking like a real badass dime. DON’T RUIN IT.

5. Full House of Lies.

full-house

It’s the 30th anniversary of the premiere of Full House, expertly coinciding with the release of their third Netflix season of their hot garbage revival, Fuller House, and therefore the entire cast is raping the press this week trying to get more views so they can keep making unfunny television that sullies the Full House reputation. Regardless of all that… Jodie Sweetin just admitted via some interview that she’s never seen a full episode of Full House and I CALL BULLSHIT. I mean COME ON-you were on the show for how many years and now there’s a full revival of it?! How ridiculous is that to not have been able to fit in one single 20 minute episode in the past 30 years. And I love her bullshit Hollywood excuse of, oh we don’t have cable. SO?! YOU WERE IN THE ACTUAL SHOW. Bets are you got a DVD set at some point! This whole thing just enrages me and I’m wondering if I’m just taking out my disappointment in Fuller House on Steph because she said something stupid. Could be, but I WON’T TAKE IT BACK.

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Television

Emmys 2017 Recap

I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.

1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:

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And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.

marbles

2. Anna Chlumsky is the new Taylor Swift.

I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.

3a. RIGHT ON THE KISSER.

I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.

3b. Nicole hates Reese.

nicole-reese

Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with  “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.

4. The Pearsons are REAL.

I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.

5. Oprah.

oprah

I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.

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Red Carpet

Emmys 2017 Red Carpet

Kickoff to AWARDS SEASONnNnNNn!!!!! Let’s do this, BITCHES. I’m sorry. I’m just so jazzed and ready to judge.

WORST

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Insider, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

We caught you ANNA, trying to sneak past the paps so you don’t have to talk about your divorce. Unfortunately this applique jewel toned dress does not allow you to hide.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

The sleeves. And the cutouts. And the dress made of old aluminum can tabs. I’m not sure which detail I hate more.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This dress would’ve been fine if they didn’t tack on a foot of black feathers to the end.

Evan Rachel Wood

ERW’s commitment to wearing a suit to every red carpet is getting to be a bit much at this point. Take this tuxedo look for example, she’s wearing literally 3 jackets on top, all different lengths. As my friend Kat pointed out, from the back she looks like a beetle. Not great.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

LOVE my girl Reese, and obviously she looks good in whatever she wears but like come on. It’s the Emmy’s, not a women in business luncheon. Pick a different look.

2017 Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This shade of yellow is making my eyes bleed out.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I don’t know if I expect Stanley Tucci to be fashionable AF just because of the Devil Wears Prada but he really disappointed me with these baggy ass pants that clearly weren’t tailored to his height. Get it togets, Tooch.

Tracee Ellis Ross

Sleeve/feather combo. ENOUGH.

Ariel Winter

I’m honestly surprised she didn’t just roll up in her jorts with her anus hanging out but having one scrap of fabric cover your bits is no better.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Girl’s gotta learn that trying to dress young when your face is literally melting off of your head just makes ya look worse. Hot pink with a sassy pony extension is not for everyone.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

These tig ole bitties are seconds away from dumping out onto the red carpet.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I’m naush just looking at this.

Debra Messing

Nothing will ever beat my reaction watching Debra walk away from an interview on the red carpet and discovering that it looked like an actual table was sewn into the bottom of her dress. WHAT kind of style is that?! Also, shiny burgundy latex. Guess it would be easy peasy cleanup if someone ralphed on her dress.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This is a child’s dress and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Elizabeth Marvel

No clue who this is I just wanted to point out that sewing pashminas together is now considered a red carpet look.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Congrats, Julie you look like a fish.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I have no words because everything about this dress is bad.

Kristin Cavallari

I feeeeeellll liiiiiike maybe the top of this dress was measured wrong and that her boobs don’t have a home here. Also why does Kristin get to walk the red carpet and LC doesn’t? Jus sayin.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Is Toby secretly a Las Vegas magician?

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This takes mermaid bottom to a whole ‘notha level.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I’m sorry, are these SHOULDER PADS?

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Sofia is wearing the same dress she always wears except she decided to toss bangs and a pony into the mix and it was the wrong decision.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

ANKLE PANTS.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This KILLS me. Because I literally gasped as I saw Mandy’s face and the top of the dress and was already predicting she would be my favorite look of the night. Then I scrolled down. And was so, so disappointed. Homegurl, why you going for the Shamu tutu? If the top layer of black tulle went straight down this would be BOMB.

BEST

Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone

These two look fabulous togets.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This is on here because I was genuinely shocked to see Peyton Sawyer on a red carpet, looking babe and actually smiling. You go, girl. (ALSO SHE’S PREGGERS?!)

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

JLD literally doesn’t age.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I rocked back and forth between hating this and loving this and finally settled on loving it. Does she look like a giant pinata? Kind of. But also I would want to wear this fun as shit dress and I bet it’s super comfy to pass out drunk in.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I rip real hard on Nicole Kidman but this looks good. Except for the pink mismatched heels. But I’LL LET IT GO.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I mean obviously.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I don’t know if I love the flyaways poking out of this dress but these two look pretty chic as a coups.

Priyanka Chopra

I know I shit on all the other feather bottoms, but like, this one is different. Because she looks stunning in this regardless of the texture.

Tatiana Maslany, Tom Cullen

BABE SODAS.

Seth Meyers

I’m beginning to realize that it’s either ankle biter pants or baggy ankles in men’s suits. There is no in between.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

SLAY ALL DAY.

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Her boobs are basically the perfect size for this scandal of a dress, thus making it endearing and not slutty.

Tichina Arnold

That leg, grl.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I’m into all of it.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I feel like I’ve never seen Heidi wear a baggy dress and I needed this shake up. Obviously she still needed a slit up to her RB curtz to stay true to her roots but whatevs. ❤ Bohemian Heidi

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This was the most feminine I’ve ever seen Kate look and she’s crushing it.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017\

Dunno this actress but I respect the hell out of a violet scandal like this.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Lea looks like a fall dream.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

What a delicate flower.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

G might be awkward as hell on the red carpet but this is a dress right here.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Take notes, gentlemen.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I was really digging on this powder blue for some reason.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This is how you do sparkle.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

What a little Hugh Hef in training.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Was it a rule that if you’re under 10 you show up looking like a baller?

Chrishell Stause, Justin Hartley

This is purely to drool over Justin Hartley in a suit.

Millie Bobby Brown

You know I love when a girl looks age approps and cute! Cough cough, anyone but Ariel Winter.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Felicity showing up the older crowd on the red carpet who tried too hard to look young and ended up looking like they belonged in a Wax Museum.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

James always looks spiffy.

Milo Ventimiglia

Ugh, Milo. Swoon city.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Fall goals: a dress with literal leaves on it.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Pretty, pretty princess.

Shailene Woodley

Even though Shai’s hair looks like a wig, this dress is killer.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Feelin that hunter green, clearly.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Love this color, could do without the awksies underboob cutout.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I wish JT were hanging off that arm, but putting jealousy aside Jessica looks bangin. Everything is werkin except her poof could’ve been taken down an inch or two. Fave look of the night.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/11/17

1. Fergie & Josh Head to Splitsville. After 8 years of marriage Fergie Ferg and Tad Hamilton are breaking up because WHY WERE THEY EVEN TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE? Seriously. These weird ass Hollywood couples that pop out kids and sneak under the radar for far too long before breaking up always baffle me. Fergie used to wear Timberland heels, gold nameplated hoops & shiny track suits while she writhed around onstage with 3 other black guys rapping at her. Josh Duhamel is a rom com heartthrob. Yeah, ok. Sources say they were just “too different.”

really

That being said, London Bridge was my JAM back in the day. Grey Goose got the girl feeelin loooooose. (at the time of this release it was more like St. Bart’s got the girl throwing up, but whatevs, we can pretend.)

In super boring and dumb news that no one cares about, my boyfriend, who has spent the last 6+ months trying and failing at scooping me on celebrity gossip FINALLY got a W with this one. I guess it was about time, but like it doesn’t make me any less irritated about getting scoooooped. He’s handling it really well. If by well we mean bragging about it until the end of time.

2. Selena Gets A Kidney.

I feel like Selena Gomez has some aggressive AF fans because any time she’s posting on social media it’s to defend herself because her fans have been up her bhole asking where she is. WELL GUESS WHAT. She’s been getting a kidney and stuff. EVERYONE COOL YOUR JETS. Not for nothing, but what a sly sneak back into the spotlight for Francia Raisa, star of Secret Life of the American Teenager. Not that I watched that show or anything (never missed an episode) but word on the street was that Francia played the slutty one of the high school who was preeettttyyy loose with her morals.

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Nothing cleans up a bad gurl image–on ABC Family–quite like sacrificing an organ for your friend. Claps all around. Hopefully Selena’s rabid fans have been satiated with this very personal update. More importantly, thank you for bringing memories of the greatest show ever created back into my life.

3. Behati Ate A Cheeseburger.

So I guess this means Behati & Adam Levine are pregnant again although really with that picture and such a non-descript caption, it could also just mean she ate lunch that day and hadn’t taken a dump yet. Whatever. Here’s to another dumb name. Still bitter about Dusty Rose.

4. Yonce gets a headline about her lame dress.

beyonce-jayBeyonce and Jay-Z leave Rihanna's 3rd Annual Diamond Ball

I get that we’re all supposed to bow down to the Beyhive, but when she steps out to Rihanna’s magical ball in a $165 dress that’s hideous, I don’t think this is front page of People.com worthy. Snaps for her for getting her figure back post-twins ravaging her vagina (if she was actually preggers this time) but also, show it off with something nicer than this dress that peasants can buy to wear to their cousin’s fall wedding. COME AT ME, BEYHIVE. I’M ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP AND I AIN’T SCURRED.

5. Love Always, Mandy.

*EXCLUSIVE* Mandy Moore takes some family members to Caffe Luxxe

Mandy sneaky got engaged to Taylor Goldsmith, lead singer of Dawes this week and was inconsiderate by not posting a picture of the ring for us all to judge. This is the best shot we’ve got and you can BARELY see it. Step it up, Mands. I expect a close up by next Friday’s JUice. ESPECIALLY with the amount of press you know she’ll be doing for This is Us, the *groundbreaking* show we never stop hearing about.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/4/17

1. Taylor Swift Has Sex.

As if I wasn’t overwhelmed enough with angsty Tay, she goes right ahead and sneaks out another new song over the long weekend. I actually saw/listened to it on her instagram story and was like oh this is some weird sponsorship song that she wrote for a football game. Since football is literally my least favorite thing on this planet, I wrote it off until I went onto Twitter and everyone was like omggggg Tay’s new song #ORGASM and I felt real dumb for thinking it was just a marketing ploy. Hey Taylor, next time you’re going to release a song about sex and stuff, don’t promote it with Game Day clips and confuse the hell out of me. I mean “Touch me, and you’ll never be alone” WOooooOOOO, girl. We get it. You like sex stuff. Whatever. I’m ready for it. And to be clear, the “it” I’m referring to is playing this song just as much as LWYMMD…not sex.

2. Older Peter is the New Bach.

arie

The Bachelor Franchise is sinking fast and they KNOW it. They just aired quite possibly two of the worst seasons ever in history B2B and used a 100% scripted rape storyline for ratings on their trashy summer show. What do you do when you’re in hot water? Apparently pick a contestant from 15 years ago (Arie Luyendyk Jr.) who no one even remembers to try and get back in everyone’s good graces. Everyone with a vagina wanted Peter to be the next Bachelor but he had to go and piss us all off by looking like he was trying WAY TOO HARD to be the next Bachelor and also kind of being a dick to Rachel post-breakup. So what does Mike Fleiss the shouting Twitter-monster do? (I gotcha back, Kaitlyn. Mike Fleiss SUCKS.)  He throws shade at Peter then picks someone who looks like a Z-List Peter. People don’t forget that you suck, bro. And yes I’ll probably still watch. Because FOMO.

View this post on Instagram

#tbt to the most incredible journey of this life time that has now officially come to an end today. As I sit here writing this, I struggle to hold back the tears as I am overcome with emotion one last time. First and foremost.. Rachel, there are so very many things that I've wished I could say to you since the day we parted ways in Spain, but for everyone's sake, I'll keep it short… You gave me a chance and all that I can say is thank you. I have a heart filled with love for you now and always and wish you nothing but the best in your life and love ahead. ABC, you saw something in me, but something held me back. You treated me with such love and kindness and showed me glimpses of a life I never once dreamed that I could have. I will be forever humbled and grateful and will always look back at these last 6 months with an ear to ear smile, knowing that this has truly been a very special life indeed. Upon leaving the @bacheloretteabc I was asked, "what did you learn about yourself during this process?" And at the time I naively said "nothing that I can think of." Now… looking back… I realize I learned one of the single greatest teachings of my life; When you let uncertainty or fear guide your decisions, you risk missing out on what could potentially be the greatest opportunity of a life time. So live dangerously, live without the fear of the unknown, and continue to live and love with a heart that is truly open to anything. #thankyou #lovealways

A post shared by Peter J Kraus (@peterkrauswi) on

We’ll all miss you Peter.

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3. Kelly Clarkson is Back.

Well this is a fun little ditty! Taylor goes all bad girl and Kelly goes all hip hop sass. This video made me feel like I was on all sorts of drugs but you know what? I didn’t hate it. She also dropped this slow jam. It’s whatever. Love so soft is the real heater here.

4. Third Royal Babe.

This happened over the weekend so it’s not fresh news but I got scooped and then I scooped someone else (it’s the circle of life) and I realized just now that I never got to properly JUice about it. But anyway another model baby on the way for this perfect fam. I mean they’ve already got two PLUS they’re royal so the third one is really just bragging at this point. We get it. You make beautiful humans. Enough, enough…. just kidding. Get ready for number 3 by looking at these cute little mugs.

Recent but undated handout photo issued on Friday July 22, 2016 by William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, of Britain’s Prince George with the family dog Lupo, at Sandringham in Norfolk, England. Prince George celebrates his third birthday on July 22, 2016. (Matt Porteous/Handout via AP)

royalchristmasrs_560x406-150709072353-560.Charlotte-Royal-Christening.jl.070915.

2016 Royal Tour To Canada Of The Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge - Victoria

princesschar

5. It’s Happening.

Promos are making the rounds as we get closer and closer to the comeback of Will & Grace. Instead of watching marathons all day on We (seriously does that network play anything other than a 24/7 rotation of this show?) we’ll get new epis every week! If this comeback lets me down–as they all tend to do–ya’ll are gonna HEAR about it. FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!!

 

BONUS: Who knew Kylie Jenner and I had anything in common?!

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Music

LWYMMD Best F Off Moments

I never thought I’d have a reason to thank the VMA’s but instead of teasing this very clear only reason to watch that awards show full of preteen bholes until the last five minutes, MTV/TAY gave the people what they wanted right off the bat. This masterpiece music video premiered within the first hour of the show and allowed me to check out for the remainder because it’s obvious that’s all that matters (it’s also obvious that I don’t turn to MTV for my politics and current events news.) Anywho, I could probably watch this music video every day this week and find something new every time, but in the spirit of riding comeback Taylor’s coattails, here are the top five fuck ALL THE WAY off moments from a RIDICULOUS music video.

 

5. Bathing in Diamonds

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You know what would be cool? Being rich enough to LITERALLY bathe in diamonds. It’s even cooler getting to bathe in diamonds & money just for F’s sake and looking like a babe while doing it. Definitely never thought I’d be down with the red claws on TSwizz until I saw it surrounded by riches and matching her lip perfectly. Now I’m all in.

4. Birdcage Swangin in Thigh High Boots.

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Orange isn’t my favorite color but can’t pass over the shots of dis sly bitch just swinging around a birdcage wearing boots that lace up to her nipples. Can I make a music video just for the wardrobe? It’s like the best game of dress up a girl could dream of. There is literally no point to this scene other than just looking cool AF and hangin loose from the top of a birdcage big enough for a pterodactyl.

3. Latex Clonemaster.

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Domanatrix-cloning-Taylor can GET. IT. I didn’t think all of the sultry looks from the Blank Space video could be topped but then angsty T killed Blank Space Taylor and was like I can look even hawter. Oh all her Squad looks exactly alike (cough cough excluding Lena cough) well guess Tay just has to slap on a lil latex and say something about that. To be clear, what she said was “look at my rockin bod.”

2. The Opposite of Awkward Dancing.

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No one can ever call her awards seat dancing awkward ever again. Once you lead a pack of gays in a little thigh slapping and dropping it down low in fishnets, you seal the deal for professional dancer in my book. This entire dance sequence was impressive as shit. H8ers say she stole it from Beyonce, I say since when did Beyonce invent a dance posse in the flying V? Ducks fly together, Yonce. And this ain’t no Darryn’s Dance Grooves.

1. A Sea of Taylors; Dead.

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This was without a doubt the COOLEST part of this video. Taylor is known for her over the top music video/live performance personas and she freaking STOOD ATOP A PILE OF THEM CLAWING THEIR WAY TO SURVIVE. I studied video production in college (humble brag, I have a degree in TV) and even I have no clue how this scene was created but it is BOMBBBBB.

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Piggybacking off of the mountain of music video Taylor’s is this spectacular end skit where Taylor calls out all her own bullshit. Playing the victim, getting mad about being called bitch, the surprise face, the fake niceness (and country accent), being excluded from this narrative. BRAVA, TAY, BRAVAAAAA!

PS: Could’ve done without the immediate nightmares though.

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JUice, Music

Weekly JUice: Taylor Swift Edition

Week of 8/21/17: The Week Badd Bitch Taylor Swift Rose from the Dead

Everyone who is anyone knows I brought The Salty Ju out of a boring celebrity summer retirement for Tay’s new music BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I’VE ONLY BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING 3 YEARS FOR THIS SHIT.

Why don’t we break it down piece by piece since there’s CLEARLY nothing else going on in celeb news lately (cough cough nice try with your garbage swish swish music video, Katy Perry.)

1. Snake.  Everyone sounded the alarms last week when Tay cleared all social media. Rumbles were heard that she was gearing up for an announcement and I sat back and girded my loins. It was the 3 year anniversary of her announcing 1989 in typical over the top fashion and I kept quiet about it but I was ready. This week, on her creepy, no picture social media, she releases a cryptic terrifying snake video three days in a row. What eclipse? It’s Taylor’s new music week AND WE ALL MUST DISSECT THIS 3 SECOND SOUNDLESS VID.

Obvious assumption: girl’s about to CLAP BACK at Kim and Kanye because as you’ll recall they decided to come after her about approving the lyric calling her a bitch in “Famous” by posting a sketchy phone call on snap chat with a bunch of snake emojis. She didn’t want to be included in that narrative at the time but I GUESS SHE DOES NOW because that narrative will make her some coin. Other theories included her going after Katy Perry but like if Taylor is low enough to respond to someone who clearly used their dumbass old feud to publicize her shitty new album and tour then I refuse to respect this new music. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll listen to the shit out of it, but I WILL NOT respect it if she’s still entertaining jabs at someone who clearly sucks at life and makes an offensively bad beef song called Swish, Swish.

2. Reputation. And on the THIRD day, Tay gave us an album cover, title and release date. And I was like WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER FOR THIS SHIT?! Seriously. 1989 came out when I lived in Boston. THAT WAS A LIFETIME AGO. My 1989 review was the first blog I published. Don’t you guys feel like you’ve been reading The Salty Ju FOR-EV-ER now?! THEN…I realize that Tay is going all 8th grade angst punk rock. She’s got the slicked hair/dark lips, the Good Charlotte font and the Ashlee Simpson throwback album cover. WHOA. Was not expecting that from her. Curveball, Tay. Don’t get her angry you little snakes or she’ll go emo.

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But I digress. I got ready for this single, with hopes soaring high that it would be good enough to hold me over until NO-VEM-BER. Basically I just assumed Taylor in full-on angst mode would be several variations of “I Know Places.” Which was BOMB. (Spoiler alert: definitely nothing like hunters and foxes.)

3. Look What You Made Me Do. I went to bed at 9:43PM last night and set an alarm for midnight so I wouldn’t miss this release. I would say that’s dedication but it’s actually just embarrassing. Just a year ago I was able to stay up for the release of JT’s comeback single (if we count writing a banger for an animated movie about Trolls a comeback) and now I’m too old to stay up past 10 without an alarm. I shame myself so you don’t have to. Turns out she released it at 11:30 like a real dick and I could’ve just stayed awake for it. Either way, here are my immediate first impressions upon a listen at 12:01 AM in my bed as I scrambled to open Spotify on my laptop:

Oh ok, we’re doing theater music with those fairy dust opening piano bars without words. Aaaand just kidding now I’m terrified. YIKES this is creepy. And THEN to top it all off, we get talking Tay, as she tends to do to amp up the drama:

“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.”

“Why?”

“Oh ’cause she’s dead!”

OH SHITTTTtTTTTTtTtTTT

So yeah. First listen was a rollercoaster of emotions (most of them hate). But you know what? It’s just Tay being Tay. And I’m here for it. Obviously Taylor Swift is dramatic AF and acts like a G-D thirteen year old, which really caters to her preteen fans but like if you expected anything less at this point then you’re wrong. She’s going to capitalize on every feud/breakup, act like the victim, then write a sassy tell all song about it and that’s a fact, Jack. Get on board or get off of this planet. H8ers will be bumping this by next week.

4.  Fan Reactions that made me LoL.

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LoLoL swifties.

5. Video Sneak Peek. IT’S SENSORY OVERLOAD. Single drops last night, teasers of the music video this morning on GMA, which will be premiered in full at that trash ass awards show that MTV still allows themselves to air every year. Do I want to endure the VMA’s with Katy Perry as host? Absolutely not. Will I do it to see that video? YOU BETCHA. Here is the badd bitch in all her claw havin’ snake glory:

So we’re really pushing with the snake theme, huh? Also OF COURSE Todrick would be front and center in this sassy dance posse lineup. Anyway, if this video is ANYTHING like the Blank Space vid and it looks like it is, then YES.

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