I haven’t made it a regular thing to recap the Super Bowl. In fact, the last time I did was #49, the year of Left Shark and my very first Super Bowl win that affected my life. The Pats won, I was working in downtown Boston and got to pretend to be a fan in order to leave work for 90% of the day and watch the parade. Gronk pointed at me, I creeped on Brady and Edelman, it was a win win for everyone really. (Not so much this year…ZING.) Anyway, I got carried away there, the point of the story is, I’m gonna try and recap the Super Bowl for content again. And by recap I obviously mean laugh it up over some commercials and drool over mah main man JT.
Top Three Commercials (The only three that made me laugh):
Sprint Robots. I have the sense of humor of a five year old and this commercial was right up my alley. Robot looks this doc right in the eye and tells him he has a dumb face. BOOM. ROASTED. BY A ROBOT.
Doritos Blaze / Mountain Dew Ice. I’ve been a huge fan of Lip Sync Battle ever since it was just a sketch on Fallon and this is why. Having a celeb commit to performing someone else’s song and nailing every word is impressive. It’s even better when it’s not even close to what you expected coming out of their mouth. Peter Dinklage rapping Busta perfectly followed by Morgan Freeman doing Missy? Yes, please.
NFL Dirty Dancing. Odell Beckham Jr. and Eli Manning did the Dirrrrty and since we know OBJ has moves for days, they gave Eli the lead. And let me tell you, he was stiff as a board. Not one hip swivel that would’ve made Patrick Swayze proud.
Creepiest Commercial Award goes to: Steven Tyler driving a Kia and coming out of it a wax statue of his younger years. Seeing that was ALMOST as rough as his janky ass toes that he flaunts all over the joint.
And finally, the real reason for this event…TIMBERBOWL TIME.
JT kicked it off with Filthy (which I called, NBD but KBD), he struts his stuff and grinds on some betches and it’s gametime. He then dives into a medley of nothin but the hits, which isn’t really news because JT has only been putting out bangers for the past 20 years. What we do need to address is his wooftastic outfit. Busy AF mountain patterned coordinated separates, as he’s flanked by dancers wearing army green gauchos and red suspenders. YIKES. He’s really embracing this woodsy vibe I guess. This was strike one of the performance. (Adding a jacket for Suit & Tie on top of that barfarama didn’t help matters either, nor did it distract from that red handkerchief hanging from his neck.)
Strike two was taking it down halfway through for a piano solo and casual Prince projection that he played along with. I get that Prince is from Minnesota so it was supposed to be a nice tribute but like, odd way to do it. Shouts to the purple lights over the city though, cause that was cooler than watching a VHS projected on a bedsheet hanging behind his piano.
Most importantly let’s talk about Mirrors and how it gave me chills and will continue to do so until the end of time. I wish the entire halftime performance was just him performing Mirrors, uncut. I would watch that all day, erreday. Oh yeah, and some 13 year old wiener got to take a billion selfies with JT during the trolls finale and clearly didn’t know the words to Can’t Stop the Feeling, which you have to be a moron not to know the words to. GET IT TOGETHER, KID. The internet has immediately roasted him for not having a clue who Justin even is. So now we’ve made him even more famous. Eye roll.
Overall rating: Safe halftime show, wooftastic wardrobe, entertaining obviously but could’ve used more fun stuff (like maybe an N*SYNC reunion). Also that dancing?! Undie slush city.
PS Everyone can F all the way off with this shit about JT creating controversy by performing Rock Your Body without Janet Jackson. HEY WORLD, JANET JACKSON IS IRRELEVANT, JT GETTING THE HALFTIME SHOW IS NOT AN ATTACK ON HER OR HER RACE. STFU.
BONUS: Since I stayed up WAY past my bed time. Like WAY WAY (talking 2am, folks) to watch Jack Pearson traumatically die and then FINALLY the tonight show. Here’s some clippy clips. JT and JFall continued to make me giggle and feel as though I am a part of their bromance as they do silly voices and have inside jokes. Me too, guys! I’m in this too! Also Justin continued his new “outdoorsy” lewk with jeans, tims, a bright orange shirt and camo jacket. I’m a little peeved with him replacing the fedora with this weird Marv from Home Alone beanie. But whatevs. He performed two songs as well but lezzz be real, I stayed up just to watch him act like an idiot with his BFF Jimmy.