Welcome to this year’s Golden Globe Awards, where the sponsor was double stick tape. This time I decided to change things up (#newyearnewme) by actually showering on a Sunday. It made me feel a LITTLE better to judge others from my couch with clean hair for once. Also went back to the gym and rocked a killer return-to-the-gym workout outfit. Both of these random brags about my life were specifically included to show you JUST how qualified I am to be forcing my fashion opinions down your throat.

Sweet lab coat with a rosary hanging off it, Pharell. The black beanie really polishes off the look.

I actually love this dress but I’m so over her hair being this short.

Pantsuit.

Last one was a pantsuit and this is a poop suit. Also, velvet, really?

Love this dress, hate the hair.

This is the Golden Globes, Jonah. Leave your kicks for the VMA’s.

I get that Keri’s just trying to jump on the choker trend but pairing it with a Cheetah dress was really pushing it to Jersey Shore status.

Are these pants? Is there supposed to be a split down the middle? It looks like she ripped her dress on a tree branch or something.

Connie, GIRL, what is this?! One side tank, one side tee? Her left pit probably just gets extra sweaty.

Can appreciate her going for the boobs out trend, this dress sucks though. It looks like something Kacey Musgraves would wear and that is NOT a compliment.

No. Just no.

It’s clear that I’m just hating the should cut outs of the night but also milkmaid braids on top of this made it 1 billion times worse.

I’m a strong defender of the opinion that if Carrie’s legs aren’t showing, her look is garbage. Not only is she fully covered but the top is a disaster. People of twitter were comparing it to a vagina. Yikes.

You know what would look really trendy? If we sewed a bird onto a dress amongst a bunch of chunky flowers.

This is a bridesmaids dress from hell.

Sienna Miller comin in hot looking like Wilma Flintstone.

The skirt part is ok, the top and closing the deal with a bedazzled bow really turned it all to shit.

Never a good idea for a white guy to wear a white tux.

I stared at this picture thinking she was wearing white tights on her arms and then laughed for like 10 minutes. So that’s where we’re at.

Do infinity times less.

Equivalent to taking a bed sheet and tossing a belt around it, toga party style.

Peplum AND a collar=barf.com

I don’t mean to keep hating on the ladies who chose pants but I didn’t like any of these looks. Not even a leather bralette could sway me.

BEST

Even though she’s essentially the same color as the dress, Emma’s obviously killing it otherwise.

Um, hi you’re the perfect couple.

This dress is a little scandalous but not quite as bad as half of Hollywood going nips out so I dig it.

This is fun and simple and it kind of looks like she’s wearing a tiara, which is a boss move.

Cuba may have sucked as OJ but this jacket is where it’s at.

The guy who does drugs and goes to Disney World cleans up real well.

It’s like a painting of perfection.

I love the shit out of this and then there’s just like one stripe of fabric on her hip adorned with pins that makes no sense.

Busy’s dress kinda sucks but Michelle is giving me all sorts of ideas for werking a ribbon choker into my lineup.

The lip matches the dress!!!

Preeettty sure I saw Anna Kendrick’s right nipple.

The GOAT rocking Tom Ford and that’s obvious.

JLD doesn’t age even for a second.

There’s nothing I love more than when youngn’s in Hollywood dress for their age. BRAVO.

Dayyummn, Dax.

Why wear a necklace when your boobs can be the main attraction?

Natalie is channeling Jackie O and I don’t hate it.

I could literally stare at her chest all day. ALL DAY.

Pretty sure Amy Adams has worn some variation of this dress before but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

Yes, please.

This is the perfect princess gown.

Get it, Felicity!

Not sure how Kristin became an E red carpet correspondent but she looks fab.

Shoutout to a fellow big booty.

I wanted to hate this but I kinda can’t take my eyes off of it.

BEDAZZLED shades to match his suit?! Fresh2death. Plus he’s got the hottest chick in the game rockin his chain.

Another princess gown that I want to twirl around in. I believe this was the dress that motivated me to note that I’ll be needing a 360 cam for my wedding day so I can do a slow motion spin.

Remember how earlier I said white guys can’t wear white tuxes? Yeah, this doesn’t apply to Ryan. I need to change my undies just from a glance at this pic.

BEST LOOK:

Mandy Moore coming back in a BIG way. She looks flawless and out of all the stars that went tits out for the red carpet, she was my fave.

No recap for this show because I don’t think it could have been any more boring if they tried. No one got drunk and made an ass of themselves, no one gave a funny acceptance speech and there was NOT ENOUGH JT. But seriously, as soon as I heard JFall was hosting I anticipated all of the great things him and JT would do onstage and all we got was a 20 second cameo at the beginning and the next 3.5 hours were JT dry. That should be illegal.