Ok, here’s the deal. On Valentine’s Day the Mets emailed me and were all like “Ooohhh I bet you’re lonely and have a touch of the seasonal depresh, here’s a deal marketed JUST TO YOU.” And I’ve never felt more seen. I didn’t skip a beat in drawing out that ole CC and buying 4 tickets in lower level seats for a discount price just because it was winter and I didn’t have someone to snuggle with. Which is how we ended up here, with me a little sauced (understatement of the century) on Met Gala Monday after having already observed Met Monday. In fact, I made the joke, what if I showed up at the Met Gala in my Mets hat?! It bombed. No one laughed. These are the hard truths one has to overcome when you have a casual personal blog that you take way too seriously and also try to do excursions at the same time. I also tried to make “It’s gonna be Mets” happen. Regardless, that’s how I found myself over-served on a Monday doling out my typical (but maybe a little drunker?) Met Red Carpet observations. ‘NJoy. My first un-prompted thought: Why is everyone trying to be Wednesday Addams?! Follow-up thought…when my friend was like there were literal cats on the carpet, I SOUNDLY replied “oh yeah, that’s for Choupette.” So let the records show that even though I double booked baseball and fashion, I did NOT forget that this year’s theme was: “Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty” aka a tribute to his fashion forward (but definitely asshole) cat would not be out of line. PS I don’t care how famous you are, your cat is still an asshole, that’s just a fact, JACK.

I was literally on the train home when my BFF texted me “I hope you’re dong a met recap” to which I obviously replied with a drunk train selfie, but don’t let that boozey pic fool you because nothing and I MEAN NOTHING will stop me from judging celebs, especially whilst wearing an oversized Mets PJ shirt that was clearanced out at a whopping 3 dollars last season at Marshall’s. When I arrived home and this was the first outfit I saw it was ON like DONKEY KONG. Jenny. Jen. Lo. Baby. Whatchu doing girl?! There is no Met theme on this planet that would justify a 50’s pillbox hat, facial net and a side of tits out for the boys. This is a SWING AND A MISS. (Using baseball references cause I’m so into baseball these days and that’s obvious.)

We followed up Jen’s nipsy doodle with this Kimmy K pearl quartet and GAUGE MY EYES OUT STOP INVITING KARDASHIANS TO THE MET BECAUSE THEY EMBARRASS US EVERY YEAR. Kim is trying so hard to be Marilyn Monroe she’s about to pop an implant from how hard she’s trying to squeeze into Marilyn’s bombshell shoes. Give it up, girl. You can be hot and cool in your own identity, you don’t need to live up to these iconic American fashion staples. It’s ok, bbgurl. Relax.

I get that it’s been trendy to hate on Anne Hathaway for absolutely no reason which is exactly why I’ve always advocated for her. But I can’t here. This Elvira hairstyle with a pinned together dress is woof city, population: Annie get your gun and get the hell out of here. Sorry, not sorry.

Honestly, sure why not. I feel like I’m coming across like a real Negative over-served Nancy, and I’m not trying to bring your Tuesday down. Does  a latex number salute Karl? Probably not. But if you’re going to go AWL OUT for a red carpet, Met Gala is the place to do it. So guh’ head Cardi. Get down with your black condom florals and tie and silver “wig” sitch.

Honestly, what’s the point of being a VS angel if you can’t just strap on a pair of damn wings whenever you please?! She’s freshly single and just wants to walk the catwalk as an angel no matter the time of year and I’m here for it.

I fully support a strong ab midsection and a spicy blazer, I will NEVER EVER (NOT EVEN IF THERE’S A FIRE) support a mermaid bottom. MER.MAID.BOTT.OM. GET LAWST with that. Toss your “I only eat kale” mid section in my face ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY but do NOT think you can slip a peplum skirt by me, KERRY.

This is our new Barbie, and with all due respect, this is boring as hell. You can’t be in a movie with ICONIC hot pink outfits and then be like ho, hum, lemme just toss on a basic black gown for the Met ball. Sure, she looks great, but YA GOTTA STUN ME. There were years that celebrities LITERALLY dressed as Barbie and we’re gonna just do a black gown when you ARE Barbie?! NO, babes.

This is right around the point where I was like oh ok, we’re all just doing Wednesday Addams. Like the theme was Karl Lagerfeld, a fashion designer ICON, and everyone was like I’ll just wear black and be emo. Kewl. Sick effort. Karl is R-O-L-L-I-N-G in his grave. Kendall looks cool and all but I’m bitter about this stupid and lazy approach to the theme.

Again, Lizzo looks fre$h but black and pearls is BOOOOOOOOOORING.

Check out that one flap of hair just dangling in her eye line. I’ve never been more infuriated by a patch of hair. Bye.

Since we’ve apparently interpreted “Karl” as darkness becomes my soul, Billie really nailed it. True story, this is pretty much her aesthetic and it really suits her.

I take back everything I said about Priyanka’s hair because WOOOOWWW. What’s the happs here?! Other than obviously a flood with those pants and loafies.

Even Choups took one look at this costume and was like NIGHTMARES. Better luck next time, Jared.

Gigi is the classic Abercrombie girl who goes to Hot Topic and is like I’m punk now, guys. Stick to jewel-toned horse logo sweaters with a popped collar underneath, booboo.

Things that clean your car in a car wash for 400, Alex.

Sure, bub, let’s just use the Met Gala as another avenue for you to push this “I only wear things that shock Conservatives” agenda. You win, you always do.

Michelle is having an awards season moment, so I’m not here to shit on that. She’s following the unspoken black and white rule and she looks good so get after it, mama.

Not gonna lie, I love a couple that commits to a fashion statement. Dwayne is just as into this as Gabs is, if not more. 

Honestly how did she even snag an invite to this ordeal? No one correlates Nicole Kidman with high fashion. But here we are. She looks dece (more dece than she does on a red carpet) but still odd to see her. It’s like when  a friend no one invited just casually showed up and you all had to pretend you invited her all along cause you’d look like a big ole group of heartless bitches if you didn’t. If you’re reading this and wondering if your girl gang ever did this to anyone, it’s you. They didn’t invite you. Sarry.

Sure, Barbs pink and feather are always accepted no matter the occasion.

It’s slowly starting to click (alcohol is a scary drug, folks) that everyone in H-wood just decided to dress EXACTLY like Karl for this evening’s events. On the one hand, Steph nailed it, on the other hand that I’ve leaned into A LOT, it’s so the OPPOSITE of creative. Ooh, the theme is Karl? Can I borrow on of his ties and pull my hair back to look like a man?! Insert the deepest of eye rolls here. I want FUNKY, not copy an 85 year old man who hasn’t changed his red carpet outfit in 59 years. Lookin at you for a wake-up call on this matter, Anna Wintour.

BOOOOOOOOOOOoOOOOoOOOOOOOOOO. You lived through the worst decades of fashion in the early aughts with baby tee’s and baby purses. You should be SLAYING at the Met Gala every year!! Triple decker platforms and a choker that spans the width of your body AIN’T IT, SIS.

Karlie took the Kimmy K pearls memo and repurposed into a belt and for that reason, I’m out.

Amanda looks like she was straight up electrocuted. And not in a chic way.

I don’t get it. I’m sorry. I know this is the most unpopular opinion because girls are creaming their jeans over this guy and yet, a high biz sock and a bare calf will dry a girl RIGHT UP. This is horrifying.

Red is making an appearance here and there on the carpet and I’m so desperado for a pop of color that I’m thirsty as hell for most of the red hot lewks. This is sex pot 101 with the latex corset and lace legs so snaps for Salma.

Cause nothing says bless us o’lord for these are thy gifts like a body chain rosary diving down your exposed cleavage and thigh high’s. God Bless the USA.

Is that a neck guitar?! Whatever, her hair and makeup looks good so this little topless guitar cape can slide on by.

10/10. No Notes.

Imagine throwing on a double decker head piece like this and thinking you won’t look stupid? I want that kind of confidence.

Simple but elegant and I’m always on board for a sparkly tassel.

Another carbon copy, I’m just gonna wear Karl’s skin as a suit move. Eyes rolling down the white and red carpet.

Cake ruffles…we all know where I stand on that trend. Also not for nothing but pink eye shadow should be banned, it forever makes people look unwell for wearing.

I would like this look a bajillion times more if we eliminated the neck bow/fake flower. I do love the lace and sparkle combo though.

This is BODACIOUS. Sure, it’s stupid to basically drag a comforter behind you but at least it’s a nice soft blue and complements the pastels in the dress.

This is bad prom 101. So tacky and unflattering.

It’s so great that we live in a society where the Bradley Cooper’s of Hollywood just show up in a plain ole tuxedo and people are like yes, he nailed it. Throw on some shades and a little hair tousle and women are fanning themselves.

I LIVE FOR AN OPEN BACK, BABY.

I know she has silver hair regularly and not just for this event so I’m not going to come at her for copying Karl. See? I can be rational. 

This is the kind of shit I like to see. Over the top, I’m a Real Housewife of Dubai Queen. Bow down, bitches.

From Dubai to Ancient Greece. This look isn’t moving the needle for me. It’s random and out of place and the color is off.

The bows are suuuuhhhhhh STUPID. She literally looks like a five year old with a bow just tied into her hair like that.

Have we seen a blue number yet? Honestly, I don’t even remember because there were 124 photos on People.com. That is too many photos. We’re really pushing it here and I’m running out of steam BIG time. Will I ever be done with this blog? Probs not. I’ll be clacking away as a skeleton six feet under. Oh no, we’re getting loopy. I’m laughing the most at picturing myself as a skeleton. At least my figure would be top notch. Could eat all the hot dogs I want cause they’d just fall right out. Anyway, her legs look bangin and matching boots to the dress? OKURR.

Stunning. That dark lip contrast is Chef’s Kiss.

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?! I’ve never hated anything more. A black “my hair is dirty so I’ll slip this on” headband and peach satin?! Woof.

I never put two and two together while watching Daisy Jones & the Six that this is Rob Pattinson’s latest piece. Seems like an odd match-up. Digging her little fairy dress but the PINK EYESHADOW DAMNIT. It makes women look sick.

I’m into this whoutfit with flower dangles. I also like a man who commits to the theme and doesn’t just roll up as himself, BRADLEY.

I very much do not like this.

Bangs?! BANGS, EM?! I cannot focus on anything else.

This is so Emily in Paris Pierre Cadault meta and if you don’t understand that reference then you’ve OBVIOUSLY never been to Paris. Like LC. BAM BAM, double stupid show reference. I’m FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS.

This one grew on me. It’s like a mother and daughter Peaches and cream duo. I like the contrast of the fur and silk togets. Well done for Mommy & Me!

We get it, Maude, you’re skinny.

Ahh, the ole butt bow. Tried and true every major red carpet event has to have one.

If this were a standalone look I’d genuinely wonder if this was a Michael Jackson tribute instead. 

This is a little too on the nose for me, Doja Cat.

An effort was made here, so we accept.

I’m into this, especially that GIANT rock she’s sporting around her neck. I mean damn, girl.

Hate tweed the most. And a chain belt is literally making me puke a little in my mouth. That could be the mixture of beer, wine, gin & vodka I tossed down my gullet. But more likely, it’s the belt.

SPARKLY & SHINY & SHIMMERS!

Alright who was on wiping duty for Rita last night?

I’m weirdly into this. Maybe it’s the cocky hand in the pocket pose? 

RIP MY EYEBALLS OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT THIS FOR ONE MORE SECOND IT IS BEYOND HIDEOUS.

Rami looks like he’s going to the grocery store to pick up eggs.

Yup, I’m 100% all in on this. This is a moment.

Two contrasting dramatic looks b2b and I love it a lot. This pearl crown is bomb.com.

I mean he wins, right?! Like you show up to a Karl tribby with a 10 ft train in his likeness you’ve just essentially told everyone to suck it hard. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Yoikes this is bad. 

FUN & FUNKY FRESH.

Gotta be honest, this looks cozy as hell.

No. Nope. Not happening. No sir you will not just throw on a leather trench and oversized shades and call it a day.

It’s giving boxer about to enter the ring.

We’ve got a twofer here. Weird big coat over hoop and TA-DA I’M JUST WEARING UNDIES AND A CONE YOU PUT OVER TREES YOU WANT TO PROTECT FROM SNOW! Sure babes, whatever. If not at the Met, when can you hula hoop it up in your skivs. Body looks bangin.

What a punchable face. That closed mouth smile and peace sign in a bucket hat. Pete’s just asking for a knuckle sandwich.

The way that people wait with bated breath for a RiRi appearance. Events like this were made for the Rihanna’s and Gaga’s of the world. What outlandish thing can they stunt all over the carpet. And you know what? I like it. Like I said 100 years ago when I started writing this blog, I love a couple that goes full send together. ASAP with the kilt, Rihanna with the coordinated red lip and cool Hollywood starlet shades. I’m even down with this flower bubble. And that’s it, folks. That’s a wrap on the Met. Now excuse me while I take a long winter’s nap because whipping up this blog at 10pm after a booze-filled day was basically my Jordan flu game. If you made it to the end of this blog that I will absolutely not be proof-reading, you also deserve a nap. LET IT RIP.

Well this was a little unexpected to say the least! The Met Gala traditionally takes place in May and when I saw rumblings of it yesterday I had just assumed that they announced the theme or something. We just had the VMA’s the night before (we meaning not me because I finally learned my lesson that I’ve aged out) and then suddenly on a Monday afternoon I’m seeing red carpet photos cropping up from the Met. How is it that I know Blues Clues is having it’s 25th anniversary but I didn’t know when the Met Ball was taking place? Seems as though Anna Wintour needs to refer to the advertising execs over at Nick Jr. for some pointers. I googled the theme as I tend to do even though it absolutely means NOTHING. I don’t even know why they go through the formality of announcing a theme because you get the crop of people who wear what they wear on every red carpet and then the more alternative crowd that will wear whatever bizarro thing they can get their hands on. No theme necessary. But anyway, the theme this year is “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion” which essentially boils down to only fashion made in America. Cause our country is GrrrrrrReat. If you had asked my sister what the theme was she would’ve replied Nudity because her observation of red carpets between the VMA’s and the Met was “what even is the point of wearing clothes? A piece of fabric seems wasteful at this point.” She’s not wrong. Let’s judge some nudes.

WORST

What do we have here?! It’s bell hop/waiter/magician/priest/Aladdin/Johnny F’ing Baseball. I refuse to adapt to the screaming ovaries of every female who slobbers for this little punk. There is nothing sexy about this.

Lace leggings had their moment in the 80’s and 90’s and I think we can all see very clearly why they should never make a comeback. Ain’t NOTHING flattering or forgiving about skin tight lace. Does she have a lacy camel toe?

I understand that this was a cultural nod to her mixed heritage. All I see is a cultural nod to Hey Arnold.

The Met Ball is the ONLY place you’ll see me boo’ing people off the red carpet for being BORING AS HELL. You’ve got people wearing capes and crowns and showing their labias and you decided to put on a PLAIN BLACK TUXEDO THAT DOESN’T EVEN FIT PROPERLY? Did you get this at David’s Bridal, Channing? Clean it up.

I see that he’s going for a global gay statement here and yet I can’t seem to get down with the balloon map-printed sleeves on top with combat boots on the bottom. Ew, David.

What is this Little House on the Prairie meets Biker Gang? What a ridiculous mash-up that I do not welcome with open arms.

You know that I can usually get down with loungewear at a formal event but it HAS TO BE CUTE LOUNGEWEAR. This looks like one of those stupid hip hop dance costumes they used to make me wear in middle school. Flashy but easy to move in. No matter how cool I thought I looked grooving to PG hip hop tunes onstage, I surely looked exactly like this B. Clown city.

Oh hey there guy, thanks for the nightmares! Also that side salad of a large scab on your shin. Yum.

Can we do a wellness check on this girl? 

Kimmy K’s style trope of the moment is covering her whole face. Which is fine. We don’t really need to see it to know what an a*hole she is. Glad we left a hole for that pony though. God forbid your clip in hair not drag along the floor with your cloaks.

The ONLY thing I immediately thought of with this number was the symphony of rainbow bridesmaid dresses from Confessions of a Shopaholic. 

This dress is beautiful and then she tacked A GIANT FLOWER ON HER SHOULDER. Whoever is advising this as a kewl accessory needs to be fired.

Everyone was like OH THE KING AND QUEEN HAVE ARRIVED. Get the hell out of here. I didn’t even know who ASAP Rocky was and Rihanna is wearing a G-D beanie on her head condom style. This look individually is trash (is that a quilt, ASAP?), collectively it’s a freight train of garbage.

For the same reason I boo’ed our pal Channing, I gotta give it to Jimmy as well. I get that you’re a straight white male at the Met Gala but literally do ANYTHING but the black tux. Even a slate grey would slap harder than this.

Anna Wintour may run the entire fashion world but here at the Salty Ju, I run shit. I’m the boss. And Anna, you can look me right in the eyes when I say this dress stinks. Collar AND sleeve ruffles AND cake tier ruffles at the bottom all in a bold floral print? WOOF.

One time my next door neighbor had a race car themed birthday party and we all literally wore cardboard cars the whole time. They looked exactly like this dress. 

I still can’t get over the fact that he’s trying to believably play a high school character in his latest flick when this 70’s style right here is probably an accurate depiction of what he really wore in high school. BOOM. Roasted.

The key to the Met is to go gimmicky outrageous costume without looking like you literally stopped at a Spirit in an old deserted strip mall and picked up a “flapper/sexy maid from Clue” costume.

SHE’S GOT A SWORD!!! Where do we draw the line with weapons at a public event?

Get the hell out of my face with this, JLo. You think you can just step off of a yacht fresh from summering in Italy with Ben Affleck and dress up like a pimp with Native American undertones? Blow it out your ass. First and foremost, Brown should NEVER be a color choice for a dress. Secondly, where’s Ben? You guys break up again? Summer lovin had you a blast and now that you’re back from vacay things are hitting a little different? Just wondering. Text me.

UGH. NEVERMIND (deepest of eye rolls)..your lips aren’t even touching when you kiss with masks on so you just look like closed eye idiots.

I couldn’t figure out what was so off-putting about this look. Was it the unicorn horn of a hairstyle or the fact that the bottom of this dress looks like a 3-D caterpillar? 

Bieber pulled this shit at the VMA’s too and I’m having a hard time understanding how someone so skinny can’t find a pair of pants that fit him. He is DROWNING in these trousers. And Hailey with the shades is laugh out loud funny. These two really think they are royalty. You think you’re above a theme for the biggest fashion event of the year? Get lawst. 

Not only does this look terribly heavy and uncomfortable, it’s also hideous. This is a huge swing and a miss for Simone. Girl is HOT off the heels of what I would assume is her last Olympics representing our country and she should’ve charged in here with the dopest USA themed outfit in the joint. And she decided instead to wear sparkly silver turd plops around her waist. Kewl. 

Thanks for stopping by in your diamond encrusted negligee, Zoe! No need to carry all that excess chainage, next time just roll through in your rhinestone thong since that’s basically the same thing anyway.

The next three photos are entitled: Bangz: A Regret That Affects Us All

So great of Meg to take some time out of defiling Airbnb kitchen tables and touching black tongues with MGK to attach these vomtastic bangs to her domepiece and make an appearance.

This dress would be fine but then BANGS.

Kristen really went the extra mile to give her bangs some pomp and circumstance.

Oh, goodie! Lorde is back to scare us at all the awards shows again.

Roseanne Roseannadanna coming in hot but she has to leave early to hit up the dojo and earn that blue belt.

My first thought: ope there’s her vagina front and center. My second thought: can you imagine eating ANYTHING on Met Ball day and then wearing this? We’d be able to see if you had even a bowl of cereal. Sick loin cloth, tho.

I don’t know all that much about fashion but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Shrek baby was not “made in America.”

What fresh hell is this? It’s like Jessica Rabbit, wedding style? I obviously hate it.

Props to Taylor for matching her pedi to the exact color of the dress because that’s 1000% something I would do if I ever had a “it takes a village” moment. But this dress ain’t it. 

This is a sheer window treatment.

Mindy doesn’t look BAD but I’ve also seen her dress better for just a casual backyard photoshoot for her Instagram so I know she’s got more in her than a low pony and a navy blue gown. She wears the hell out of funky colors and patterns and this was a total lamewad safe move at a place where it’s encouraged to take risks.

Not this risk though. This one fell flat for me. Mostly because I’m getting a little jaded with the oopsie I’m naked look. Jeremy looks pretty dece though, he was just brought down by the flowers for nips arm candy.

I’ve never been a fan of the big collar or shoulder moment. Brings me back to the shoulder padded blazers of the 80’s. The taffeta flower on her thigh is also doing that. 

WHAT AN ASSHOLE MOVE by Kris Jenner. She should be disinvited. You think because you invented reality TV and built an empire off of a sex tape that you can just wear a basic black ladysuit to the Met Ball? Your daughter stepped out of a towncar in a head to toe leather dominatrix ensemble over the weekend. That was just a regular Saturday for her. Either you step up your game or you sit at home getting wine drunk. Don’t embarrass Kim like that ever again…she can do it all by herself as seen above.

Take a beat to notice the CONTRAST between Kris “I’ll just wear a Hilary Clinton pantsuit” Jenner and this broad right here who is wearing a LITERAL horse head. I can only hope she’s neighing and galloping around whipping that horse tail of a braid into the NYC breeze.

Oh no, bbgurl. I get that your mom is Madonna. You’ve got big shoes to fill. But nope. This is another Spirit Halloween Gypsy costume. Return for a full refund, honay.

As much as this would’ve been my dream prom dress from Deb back in the day, she looks physically uncomfortable in this. Her left boob looks like it’s about to be torn in half. The things we do for fashion.

the PERFECT closer to the WERST dressed list. I don’t know what this chick’s name is but from here on out it’s forever Tommy Pickles because she is WEARING A DIAPER.

BEST

This is some mermaid REALness.

Apparently Amanda Gorman was going for a Statue of Liberty theme (the statue of Liberty is essentially green…but ok) all I could think of when I saw this dress was that shitty 90’s song that goes “Oh my starry eyed surprise” so Amanda I hope you’re gonna dance all night to this DJ in that majestic ‘fit.

The hair and makeup is questionable but I’ve always been a sucker for a pearl dress. Girl is dripping in decadence.

Lil Nas X is never one to shy away from a scene. This was part 3 of his outfit unveiling, part two being a suit of golden armor and part 1 a very *catholic* looking extravagant gold robe. I’m partial to this sparkly tracksuit out of all three lewks and I think he rocked it. 

I’m torn here because I LOATHE the color peach and her bangs but when I saw it photographed in a different light it looked like much more of a muted blush so I’m gonna give the benefit of the doubt here because Billie in an elegant gown is much appreciated after a year plus of her gracing red carpets in neon green space buns and silky pj’s. An effort was made here and I very much appreciate it.

Ok, ok, I get it Troye. Your body is better than mine. I have a bridesmaid dress that was originally ordered for a November 2020 wedding but then Covid hit…so the last time this dress has physically been on my body was August of 2020 when I tried it on for the first time out of the box. It has hung in a deep dark corner of my closet since then, cloaked in shadows and shame because I can tell you with the utmost confidence that it no longer fits. I’ve put on a few panny pounds and it shows. Rather than facing my fears and trying it on, I’ve been eating ice cream and brownies every night after dinner. We all cope in different ways. Troye apparently copes by showing off his banging bodying in a slinky black gown, nips out for the boys. WUTEVER.

This dress and cape look stunning on her!

I mean, Barbie and Ken? Yes, please.

Hey all you creeps and weirdos, this is how you incorporate Covid’s new hottest fashion without giving us all the nightmares in the world. Crushing this routfit.

I could def do without the bleached eyebrows but I’m kinda digging the rest of this look right down to the stirrups. Love a good pair of stirrups. Never have to worry about your leggings riding up when they’re hooked to your heel!

What the hell is more American than Ralph Lauren? I put these two on the best dressed specifically for that.

This is more on the boring spectrum of playing it safe but she is rocking this dress so I respect it.

THIS IS HOW YOU DO A TASTEFUL NUDE, LADIES. TAKE NOTES.

Maybe it’s the hint at camo or maybe it’s the muted nudes but this is definitely one of my favorite looks of the nights. So soft and beautiful.

The style of the dress is kind of the equivalent of wearing a paper bag but she’s preggers so it’s probably comfortable as hell and we’ll give her a pass. The teal is to die for.

Ooh baby lime green and hot pink lips YES MA’AM! Kit looks dapper as well. At least he put a white coat on instead of going for black on black….channing.

As my friend Kat said, imagine sitting behind Iman? Seriously though you ain’t seeing for miles behind this headdress. This is EPIC. That’s how you rule a red carpet. Poor Megan Thee Stallion is looking at her like, I gotta follow this?!

Big booty big ole Megan held her own though. Loving the soft pink on her.

GIRL this red is fabulous. Not so much the posing of the claws though. Hope you don’t poke your butthole when you’re wiping. T’s and P’s. (The more that I think about it, how much you wanna bet celebrities have their assistants wipe for them so they don’t accidentally tear their anus or vaginal walls with a rogue claw? Jus sayin..these are the things I think about after a glass of wine.)

DEBBIE HARRY!!! GET. IT. GURL. I LOOOOOVE this look. This is ‘MURICA. Bitch has a flag hoop skirt and a jean jacket. If that ain’t the US of A I don’t know what is. She crushed it.

This is pretty boring but also I felt rude about putting her on the worst dressed when she still looks like a bangpiece.

Oh my lanta I want to roll around in this skirt. It looks so silky and smooth like a metallic river. Kacey looks bomb.com.

Kendall Jenner looks radiant and I can boo the rest of the Kardashian Klan all day and twice on Sunday but I’ll never come for Kendall. 

If this were any other type of fabric it’d be on the worst dressed list but because it’s denim I’m all in. It is giving me very happy flashbacks to the Justin and Britney denim duo and it’s perfect for this theme.

I’m obsessed with this look. Alicia looks amazing and I couldn’t help but wonder where she drew inspiration from (wink)

IS SHE WEARING THE ISADORA DIAMOND? Just kidding. But also not really because the colored jewels and the pastel look isn’t far off from our girl Andie Anderson. Love the sparkle and the fur for added drama.

You gotta be bold as hell to be like I’m just gonna show up in pinstripes like a gangsta. The gold sequins is an added bonus.

I believe this is the only purple of the evening and boy oh boy is it bold. Love that Shawn went leather jacket, no shirt and Camila went for bright purple sequins and feathers. Go big or go home.

This is a double whammy with fitting the theme (Football IS America) and supporting her mans. What a class act.

Taraji is not playing with this look or this facial expression. She’s like try me, I dare you.

Oh alright you intergalactic princess, you.

PULLING. THEM. OFF. (this joke will hit with about 3% of my regular readers but if you’re a fan of How I Met Your Mother, it’s worth it.)

I laughed out loud at how dopey and proud Pete Davidson is to be included in a fashion event. That smile and the pose with his jacket says it all. On top of that he referred to his look as “slutty nun” and that’s also hilarious to me as you see his little chopstick tattooed legs peeking out of this skirt.

Rita is a sparkly sensation!

YOOOO Sharon Stone can still GET IT. Although I would’ve loved to see a little more of that bangin bod that you KNOW she still has, I’m still into this classic black cape with sparkly emerald earrings. Take notes, Kris Jenner.

Legitimately thought this was Khloe Kardashian at first. What a mind trip to find out it’s Hailee Steinfeld. This textured gold mini is FIERCE though.

Give it to me in that Miami Vice pastel suit with a silk number underneath.

We’ve seen a LOT of gold numbers tonight but this dress was MADE for MJ.

HEY SIMONE, THIS IS HOW YOU WEAVE BEING A FAMOUS US ATHLETE INTO THE THEME. Gawd. Show some country pride like Megan did.

Ayesha looks like she wants to cut a bitch but other than that these two coordinated well and both look like babe sodas.

This is the kind of floral garden I’m down with. Not flowers that you NEED to cover your bits, but flowers that add to the already beautiful and flattering gown.

Even though this is a HORRIFIC angle and makes DVF look like she has a cancerous lump growing out of her side (it’s her knee) I love the cheetah and olive tones AND of course the fact that she matched her mask. Masks, so hot right now.

Donatella was like IDGAF I’m going to show up like it’s my wedding in Lake Como. She’s 66 years old and she’s all I’m gonna go Like a Virgin on their asses.

As someone who buys an item of clothing for someone else as a gift and then promptly buys a matching one for herself, I’m VERY into the twinning thing. Love that they did this.

Sienna with the fur cape looks like her house smells of rich mahogany and cigars.

I’m obsessed with a canary yellow and I don’t care who knows it. This color looks bonkers good on her.

Never thought I’d be so down with the classic white button up but both looks that incorporated it are chic as hell.

Head to toe perfection. The hair accents, the earrings, everything goes together perfectly.

A princess ball gown and the pop of contrasting color with her jewels are chef’s kiss.

If you guys haven’t figured it out yet I’m really getting a hard on for summer colors here. Especially because summer isn’t over even though you Fall betches are trying to make it over. This is so fun and funky.

Looking past the bangs (WHY WITH THE BANGS, EVERYONE) to appreciate the Barbie pink awesomeness. I want this gown and matching cape.

DAYUMN OLIVIA RODRIGO, GET ALL OF IT AND THEN SOME! I previously rapped hard about lace leggings on Serena and how they’re not flattering. Apparently they can be flattering AF on a stick figure teenager in the prime of her high metabolism. Important to note. Embrace these years, BB, it’s all downhill from here.