Ya’ll, first and foremost I’d like to thank Jesus Christ my Lord & Savior for the opportunity to watch every country artist thank Jesus Christ their Lord & Savior last night. Second I’d like to ask what cameras to look at when I thank them. No but actually, obviously a round stage means there are several spots to stand in and I don’t doubt there were no less than 10 cameras surrounding it, but REALLY? you couldn’t give ANYONE a quick memo or flag which camera to look at? If I drank every time a winner announced that they didn’t know where to look followed by a shout out to their boy JC I would’ve been blackout REAL quick. Without further ado, here are the things that were fabulous about last night’s show and the things that were less than fabulous.
Yay:
-Kicking off the night with a pan to a random person singing the wrong words to the opening song by Keith and Eric promptly followed by a T. Swift crowd shot. The two things I enjoy most about award shows within seconds of each other, people getting caught not knowing the lyrics and Swiftie’s awkward dance moves. (PS: IS SHE THE TALLEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD?)
-FGL performs without a whisper of a disgusting vest or overdone tassel. They’ve grown up before my very eyes and I’m just so darn proud of them for wearing normal people clothes. They best keep it up.
-Miranda Lambert showing women of the world that not all pantssuits have to be for an interview at the White House. Never ever thought i would use sexy and pants suit in the same sentence but here we are. Also performance corset. Damn, girl.
-Sam Hunt performs “Take Your Time” in red hot pants, yes please. (By perform, I obviously mean just the chorus because he’s a n00b and apparently hasn’t earned performing time yet. For shame.)
-Tony Jokes on Jokes Romo throwing a pass to Luke Bryan and then tells a quick LOL about deflategate by saying “We’re the Dallas Cowboys, we have real balls.”
-The most real mushroom cut I’ve ever seen on this guy from Alabama.
-Kelly Clarkson introduces Mommy in Law Reba and goes, “…basically what I’m saying is I have the coolest mother in law and you also can suck it.” A girl after my own heart.
-T.Swizzle gets a full on montage about how perfect she is then her mom presents the 50th Anniversary Milestone award. Andrea gives us a quick peek at Tay’s pre-star years when apparently she was a real loser in school whose only friend was her mom (poor T) and she also wrote Love Story because her parents wouldn’t let her date a guy who clearly was a turd. Then Mama Swift gets choked up so obviously I get choked up and Tay accepts and thanks the country community for being graceful and the bomb.com with her transition to pop.
-Blake Shelton sings a song about sangria mouth and all I can think about is this and have a giggle fit.
-Dan & Shay team up with Nick Jonas and sing Jealous AND Chains. Nick Jonas struts that shit and owns the damn performance, my panties melt away and I barely even notice the two country goobers with stupid identical hairstyles onstage with him in his shadow.
-Lady A performs a new banger song and wins for one of the VERY few upbeat performances of the night.
Nay:
-Lee Brice gives a quick shoutout to Randy Travis in the audience and I’m very concerned that it’s a little too soon for him to be making public appearances after his stroke/millions of health troubles because he LEGIT doesn’t move a muscle and I had to question if he was still alive.
-Most performances were medleys of the singers greatest hits and I was all in on that. Nothin but the hits, nothin but the hits, nothin but the motherf’ing hits.
-Martina McBride sings a song from 11 years ago. Way to keep it current, guys. She looks like a dime piece though.
-Luke performs “I See You” and wears a golf polo and I’d like to submit a formal petition that Luke only wears v necks with a backwards hat and shake it at least 10 times per performance. Don’t stray from what works, Luke. I don’t handle change well.
VS. 
(jus sayin)
-Rascal Flatts and Xtina perform together and I have not the slightest clue what song they’re singing because it’s just a bunch of sounds and vocal runs aka it’s so Xtina it hurts. I don’t remember hearing one coherent lyric in this performance. But she wore a jean jacket. Cause that’s SO country.
-Because this show is in TEXAS. Did you hear it’s in TEXAS? Well they use the Dallas cheerleaders as stage ho’s. No seriously, all they do is stand onstage when someone wins an award. Good work.
-Kenny recalls his first ACM’s when he actually had a record deal and they still sat him in the nosebleeds. Could it possibly be because he refuses to wear anything other than a cut off tee? Clean it up, Kenny.
-The amount of times that a country star introducing another star not so discreetly points out that they’re buddies or friends is exhausting. Hey, you’re all country stars who love to drink and sing about the same things. I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re all friends. No need to give AIM profile shoutouts at every introduction.
-Dr. Phil was given a mic and I wish that he wasn’t cause he shouts into it because his natural vocal decibel is always set to megaphone.
-Brooks & Dunn are performing togets for the first time in 100 years or something…Brooks (or Dunn?) is scarin me with his face though.
-My dreamboat of all dreamboats, Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year again (rightfully so) and the minute he starts his acceptance speech, someone who I’m sure was immediately fired starts playing him out with Miranda’s song “Over You.” Yiiiiikes bet that made his moment real special.
Bottom Line-Real MVP’s of the night were the man candy underdogs of country (&Nick Jonas):
GIVE IT TO ME.
Full Winners List:
Song of the Year: “Automatic”- Miranda Lambert
Vocal Duo of the Year: Florida Georgia Line
50th Anniversary Milestone: Miranda Lambert, Most Awarded Female in Country
Vocal Group of the Year: Little Big Town
50th Anniversary Milestone Award: Reba
50th Anniversary Milestone: Taylor Swift
Album of the Year: Platinum-Miranda Lambert
50th Anniversary Milestone: Garth Brooks
New Artist of the Year: Cole Swindell
Female Vocalist: Miranda Lambert
50th Anniversary Milestone: Kenny Chesney
Single Record of the Year: “I Don’t Dance”-Lee Brice
Male Vocalist: Jason Aldean
50th Anniversary Milestone: Brooks & Dunn
Entertainer of the Year: Luke Bryan, duhz
The Salty Ju 