Tag Archives: Channing Tatum

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/4/16

HEY GUYS. Welcome to 2016. I took two weeks off from the JUice to properly shove Christmas cookies down my gullet and lay around in my PJs. ‘Cause that’s what the holidays are all about. You know what the holidays are NOT about? Having your family fat shame you and then suggest a weight loss competition. Thanks for ruining Christmas, G Family. Anyway, we’re back and better than ever exactly the same. New year, same Salty, yo.

1. Barstool is taking over the world, as they should.

I’ve been reading Barstool Sports since I was in high school (shout out to the bro-in-law for introducing me to the smut world at a young age)…and now I’m old. So it was pretty cool to see that this website and these bloggers that I’ve been fangirling over for so many years have taken steps to become a massive national brand. I didn’t know what blogging even was before Barstool, so ifso factso, they invented blogging. They’ve essentially been my source for news for the past 7 or 8 years, and I’m not even a little bit embarrassed to admit it. I can’t wait to see what they’ll do with an HQ in NYC and many more resources. But most of all I’m anticipating what will happen when they end up merely blocks away from Buzzfeed.

 

2. Yeah? Yeah.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that Making a Murderer quickly became that new hot shit over the holidays for Netflix binges. Although it’s not for everyone (there’s reading involved), I would highly recommend it not just for the juicy police corruption content–but more importantly for the accents and midwestern culture. I literally felt like Wisconsin was on another planet as I watched this–courtesy of my sister’s Netflix account because I am nothing if not a Grade A mooch. (Thanks Lexi) There’s nothing worse than having show FOMO. Start watching so we can LoL about Brendan Dassey giving a written criminal confession with the word “bombfire” in it togets.

3. Magic Mike 3 is a must-see. 

I’m kind of torn now. Do I like Channing’s original pony dance? Or do I like his wife reenacting it and forcing a lap dance on him where she pretends she has a big dick that she’s aggressively swinging at his face? I don’t know what to think. All I know is that was entertainment. Certainly triple makes up for Channing doing “Let it Go” and ruining my life forever. I can’t even see the screengrab of him as Elsa without getting it stuck in my head. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! WHEN WILL FROZEN DIE AWAY FROM ME FOREVER? PS nothing is more obvious that Lip Sync Battle has absolutely nothing to do with lip syncing anymore than having two professional dancers on the season premiere. Double PS: need a new host, stat.

Screen Shot 2016-01-08 at 8.26.50 AM

4. Fuller House is a real tease.

These new pics were released because Netflix is going to milk the shit out of owning the Full House comeback. As they should. What have we learned from these stills that we don’t already know? Kimmy’s style has evolved from a light up dress and neon socks to cat cardigans from Urban Outfitters. Steph dresses like a hooch. And DJ looks like a kewl mom. And of course, good to see that they couldn’t buy a bigger couch to fit the rest of the fam on when they come to visit probably every day. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Danny lives in the attic apt and Joey still lives in the basement. Jesse and Becky have a mansion elsewhere, obviously. They’ve served their time sleeping on a bed that folds up to the wall.

5. Queen B usurps her Halftime Throne. 

BEY

It has been confirmed that Bey will grace us unworthy ones with her presence at the SuperBowl halftime show with Coldplay. I don’t think I need to remind anyone how epic her halftime show was in 2013. As if we didn’t already know how big of a deal Beyonce is, they somehow got her to appear during Channing’s “lip sync” of Who Run the World for .2 seconds, flip her hair, do one booty shake and abruptly leave. That’s how little Spike TV can afford Queen B. So you can imagine what it might cost for her to casj drop by the SuperBowl. Anyway, I’m officially excited for this year’s halftime show…I will be 1000% less excited if the rumors that Bruno Mars is also popping in are true. Don’t ruin a good thing.

Standard
Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

View this post on Instagram

Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

A post shared by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on

I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

View this post on Instagram

👻

A post shared by Lauren Conrad (@laurenconrad) on

I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

View this post on Instagram

I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

https://instagram.com/p/9iWuc-jvKZ/?taken-by=taylorswift

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

johnstamos

Devil’s Threesome.

peanuts today shwo

The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

 carson willie matt

Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 10.48.04 AM

Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

kperry

Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

View this post on Instagram

Coming to America🎃

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

View this post on Instagram

🦁

A post shared by tori kelly (@torikelly) on

Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

ninadobrev

Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

kelly&michael1

kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

joshduhamel

Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 10.50.59 AM

I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 10.51.40 AM

GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

AishaTylerYonce

Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/15

1. SELENA GOMEZ, YOU LITTLE MINX, YOU. New song from SelGo that has been teased for weeks, even bestie Tay chimed in that it was her favorite thing Selena’s ever done (bold) and the music video dropped this morning wherein she writhes around on a floor, on the couch, in a chair and in the shower. Get it, girl. Show Biebs what he gave up. This is one of those rare things that I included for my male readers, which I believe I have 0.0 of. But whatevs, enjoy your boner jamz cause Selena just wants to look good for YOU.

2. Magic Mike, As Told By Children. In this skit, JFall and Channing act out Magic Mike as written by elementary school kids and it’s supes cute. Mostly because we all know the real story of Magic Mike and it’s not about aliens or fixing bike tires, it’s about Mike’s magic penis grinding all up on some ladiezzz to the sweet, sweet melody of Ginuwine.

3. Seth and Amy Boom, Roast a Twitter troll. A Sports Illustrated guy tweeted something this week about how women’s sports are boring so Seth & Amy brought back the SNL Weekend Update “Really?!” bit to dump all over him and his sexist tweets. As a former soccer player (1 season, kindergarten) I can’t speak for if it’s entertaining to watch but I will say that it is EXHAUSTING to run up and down that field. I quit before the pros started looking at me because it was too much running, not enough orange slices during timeouts. Props to our ladies for having the stamina to run around in the World Cup.

4. Bristol Palin is preggerz. I don’t pretend to know anything about politics but I’m pretty sure the Palin’s paraded around like hardcore Christians and lil miss Bristol is on baby #2, unwed. Whoopsies! The best part about this isn’t the fact that she’s pregnant but the way that she announced it with, and I quote “I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.” This is basically the equivalent of being like shiiiiiitttt, I got knocked up again, saarrryyyy guys. No news yet on if baby daddy is the guy she just called off her wedding with…but you can be sure I will report it when I find out. It’s ok guys, I know how to tackle the hard-hitting news.

5. T.Swizzle, CEO of the Music Industry.

Screen-Shot-2014-11-10-at-6.25.23-AM-1415619419

As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, with just the tapping of a few keys, Tay brought Apple to it’s knees. (Unintentional but PRETTY POETIC rhyme right there.) Ok, so there was more to it than that but what’s really important here is that Apple was like hey we’re going to debut our new streaming service that completely copies Pandora and Spotify but it’s BETTER and we’re going to give everyone a 3 month trial fo freeeee, and Taylor was all Dear Apple, Ain’t nobody gettin my shit fo free and Apple was all, Dear Taylor, Ok. We’re sorry. Artists who don’t make billions from touring gave Ms. Swift a golf clap for repping the entire music industry and she just casually went back to playing with her cats.

Full Letter Here

Apple’s Response:

Calvin Harris supporting his boo:

I hope that you also write a letter this weekend and change the world. Or just get drunk and play outside in the sun. Same thing.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/15/15

1. Channing Tatum. On the press circuit for Magic Mike:More Male Twerking to Ginuwine Music (Official title obv.) Channing has been flaunting those abzz and his dirty teenage boy humor all over the place. I don’t hate it one bit. After riding a float in last weekend’s Pride parade in LA with Matt Bomer (SWOON), he also did an AMA this week and let us in on some key Channing secrets.

channing-tatum-and-matt-bomer-dance-at-la-gay-pride-parade

In summary: He also gets lost in Matt Bomer’s eyes “made of dreams, rainbows and amazingness.” He learned how to dance by clubbin in Florida, there will be no full frontal nudity in Magic Mike XXL but there is little left to the imagination, he hearts pinterest and carebears, he adds cheetos to his PB&J, and he’s named is penis Gilbert. Welp there you have it folks. The most important tidbits from the mind of Channing. If you have a better attention span than me, you can read the full AMA here.

2. Hilary Duff brings back Lizzie Mcguire Movie Isabella accent. Hilary Duff’s shitty Italian accent MAKES the Lizzie McGuire movie pretty much golden. A loyal fan asked her this week to reenact it while she was promoting her new album and she happily obliged and I watched it and was embarrassed for her all over again. What a gem to entertain Lizzie McGuire fangirls. Fingers crossed she actually makes an Isabella dubsmash. That would be what dreams are made of.

3. Tim Riggins is single, everyone form a line behind me.

1434554204-screen-shot-2015-06-17-at-111628-am

While being interviewed for Elle magazine, Taylor Kitsch (forever and always Riggs) admits he’s single because he chooses not to balance a relationship with his hectic lifestyle. He wouldn’t want to ask a woman to wait for him for several weeks at a time while he’s doing press or filming. I’d just like to put it in writing for all the internet to hear, I will wait an indefinite amount of time for you, Riggs. Just let me know when you’re ready, no regrets. (coincidentally also his personal email sign off…sigh.)

4. Aziz Ansari and Jimmy Fallon show everyone how bad guys are at texting. Aziz just released a new book about how dating today sucks and to prove his point him and JFall played a little game called let’s remind girls how terrible guys are at texting. They read some embarrassing opening lines and I would like everyone who is in a relationship to have a moment of silence for what all of us single ladiezzz are dealing with. Although to be clear, it’s not just texting. I once had a guy who was chatting with me fart and then take a lap to air it out before returning and announcing that he just farted. Crushed it.

5. Kim K is a dum dum and everyone made fun of her. This doesn’t kount as Kardashian knews because I’m really just reporting on the bits that made fun of her…much more entertaining for all. Anyway, Kimmy wrote future Kimmy a letter that was so stupid I couldn’t even listen to more than one second of it. I could, however, listen to both Jimmy Kimmel and James Corden mock it on each of their shows. Enjoi.

BONUS: While people are getting chomped on by sharks left and right (not funny, literally my greatest fear) Zac Efron is riding sharks in Hawaii.

Standard
Movies

MTV Movie Awards Recap

“Don’t worry about your speeches going too long because MTV is the only network that refuses to play music.”-Amy Schumer

Yeah I still watch both the MTV Movie Awards and the VMA’s every year. You wanna mock me for that? Fine. But I’ll have you know that last year this happened:

484681311_Zac-Efron-467 movies-mtv-movie-awards-2014-zac-efron_1

and I saw it go down live. So joke’s on you, really. This year I can’t say that anything that salacious occurred, but that’s why I’m here. To tell you the highlights of a show that’s target audience is pre-teens so that you can never bring it up in front of your co-workers today.

Highs:

-Amy Schumer as host. Amy is known for being gross, which is obviously why I like her. She didn’t really get to shine that much on this show but her opening montage of intruding all the big movie scenes from this year plus her monologue kicked off the show and there was an especially disgusting sketch about girls going to the movies alone to DJ (this is a metaphor for something inapprops.) Props to her for keeping her crass humor alive throughout the show.

-While introducing Magic Mike XXL cast, Amy talked about solving the California drought then said, “These four presenters are doing their part by making it rain in my spanx.” A+

– JLo calls out the Magic Mike boys for a dance number and Channing shakes that AZZZZ.

-Miles Teller presents the Trailblazer award to Shailene Woodley and doesn’t even read a speech, just genuinely talks about how phenomenal she is as a person and it’s real adorbsies. Interestingly, not once is her breakout role in the critically acclaimed Secret Life of the American Teenager on ABC Family mentioned. SHE SHOULD HAVE WON ALL THE AWARDS FOR HER ROLE AS AMY JERGENS, the fifteen year old who didn’t even know she had sex and then 9 months later had a son who miraculously never learned to talk over the course of like 6 seasons. Jus sayin.

Finally-Amy-Baby-John-secret-life-of-the-american-teen-5135681-366-574

-Pitch Perfect 90’s Hip Hop Riff-Off exclusive clip. Is it May yet? (Could’ve easily done without Rebel strutting out in a bedazzled bra, leather pants and angel wings…but let it slide because that’s just Fat Patricia. Bonus points for calling her lady curtains a “girl power” and not a kitty—see below)

-Kevin Hart the butt of all short people jokes brings his kids up to accept the Comedic Genius award and says that everything he does is for them and it’s supes cutes and then him and his son do a Parent Trap style handshake that MTV deems unimportant and moves the camera off of.

Lows:

-Vin Diesel presenting an award and then serenading the crowd awkwardly? Was this for Paul Walker? I was perplexed because he said the name Pablo. Someone pls clarify for me.

-Apparently Fall Out Boy lives on in present day and not just in my 8th Grade Angst mix because they performed with a rapper that I still never caught the name of and it doesn’t matter anyway because the whole time he was rapping Pete Wentz was lurking next to him trying to steal the spotlight. Punk meets Rap. Kewl, MTV. Update: the rapper’s name is Fetty Wap. What planet am I on?

fall-out-boy-fetty-wap-mtv-movie-awards-2015-ftr

-Zac Efron and Dave Franco accepted best Duo in character from Neighbors and literally just quoted their own movie and reenacted scenes. There wasn’t enough abs and these two proved they could never be part of an improv club like Michael Scott.

-Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara do a bit about how they make out sometimes and hey you two, the men of America don’t need played out girl on girl cliches to have wet dreams about Sofia Vergara.

-Shailene and Ansel win for best kiss and Ansel isn’t even there. Hey guys act like you’ve heard of MTV before…the fans only vote for the two that they want to see mack it up onstage. What a buzzzkillllll. Even worse, Shailene says, “If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to kiss your brother, it’s kinda great.” To erase this memory I give you the best MTV Movie Best Kiss acceptance of ALL TIME:

-An entire performance called Drop That Kitty with far too many cat references to vaginas. The uncomfortable police were called several times to shield my eyes and my ears from this.

charli-xcx-ty-dolla-ign-tinashe-mtv-movie-awards-ftr

-John Green accepts the award for The Fault in Our Stars, admits he had nothing to do with the making of the movie, loses his chill for several minutes and tugs at his hair a lot then doesn’t let the actual director or producers of the film speak and also forgets to thank them. Solid effort.

fault-in-our-stars-winners-mtv-movie-awards-2015-ftr

Full List of Winners:

Female Performance- Shailene Woodley, The Fault in Our Stars

Scared as Shit Performance-Jennifer Lopez

Trailblazer Award- Shailene Woodley

Comedic Performance- Channing Tatum

Generation Award- Robert Downey Jr.

Best Duo- Dave Franco & Zac Efron

Best Kiss- Shailene Woodley & Ansel Elgort

Male Performance- Bradley Cooper

Comedic Genius- Kevin Hart

Movie of the Year- The Fault in Our Stars

This tweet sums up the night perfectly:

Standard
Pop Culture

Ten Best Celebrity Couples

Since Valentine’s Day was Saturday, I thought it would be an appropriate time to list all of the celebrity couples that I would’ve liked to be a third wheel with for the holiday of Looooove. Here’s the ten best celeb couples (in no particular order) who are going to make it the long haul…according to me. (If you’re reading this months or weeks from now and any or all of these couples have broken up please do not blame me. I’m still reeling from the dissolution of Nick and Jessica. It’ll be too much to handle if I’m also a curse.)

John Krasinski & Emily Blunt.

johnemily

I have a REAL difficult time separating John Krasinski from Jim Halpert and I think many Office fans can agree, which basically means that John must be the most romantic and adorable husband alive. The best part is that Emily Blunt is a sassy Brit instead of a meek little deer in the headlights like Pam was, so this relationship is EVEN better. They prank Jimmy Kimmel together every year, they crushed the ALS ice bucket challenge and they never take Hollywood too seriously.

Years Together: 7 (Married in 2010)

Beyonce & Jay-Z.

beyfamScreen shot 2015-01-25 at 12.02.28 AM

There cannot be a top celeb couples list without the Queen & King themselves. They’re outrageously rich and spend like 90% of their time just F-ing around on yachts with baby royalty Blue Ivy. I respect the hell out of their lavish lifestyles because they deliver some sick beats, and most recently the coolest married couple concert ever. Only Bey & Jay can get away with recording a song about the two of them banging constantly and make the term “Surfbordt” popular. Also no one should ever be caught saying bad things about these two, because Illuminati.

bey BeyonceJayzPerfGrammys2014 jayz

Years Together: 11 (Married in 2008)

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner.

redsox benjen

Ben and Jen are easily the most normal Hollywood couple ever. They’re more likely to be seen taking their kids to school or going to a soccer game in sneakers and jeans than doing stupid frivolous celeb things. They’re not all in yo face when they’re at awards shows together and Jen even let it slide when Ben won a bunch of awards for Argo and said that their marriage was work cause he got nervsies. Cool, calm and all about the fam.

brnjen affleckkid affleckids

Years Together: 11 (Married in 2005)

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds.

blakeryanBlake-Lively-Ryan-Reynolds-Couple-Pictures

Have you seen these two? I have unrealistic high hopes that their baby will be the most beautiful baby on this earth, should they ever show her or reveal her name. Also I have a bigger crush on Blake than I do on Ryan, judge me, I dare you. Although it certainly helps Ryan’s charisma that he recently called Blake a human Denny’s because she’s breakfast lunch and dinner for their daughter. He’s quick to add that she’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen. Swooooon.

Years Together: 4 (Married in 2012)

Eric Decker & Jessie James Decker.

Screen shot 2015-01-24 at 11.21.29 PM

I first learned about these two when they got a reality TV show on E! and I loved them immediately but was also SUUUPER nervsies that they would catch the reality show curse of Newlyweds. They’ve got a little bit of the Nick & Jessica dynamic because Jessie’s the goofy crazy one and Eric calms her down and puts up with her antics, but I’m pleased to report that their marriage is still intact and they recently had the most adorbs baby ever. I don’t even like babies and I’m obsessed with this one so that’s saying a lot. Please feel free to drool over their family photos like I do on a regular basis.

Screen shot 2015-01-24 at 11.18.23 PMScreen shot 2015-01-24 at 11.19.15 PM

Screen shot 2015-01-24 at 11.27.14 PM

Years Together: 4 (Married in 2013)

Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield.

emma-stone-andrew-garfield-cover-video_th

These two crazy kids have a nice way of staying mostly private but still letting everyone know that they’re in love and are fun and stuff. Emma made an appearance when Andrew hosted SNL and they did a goofy kissing skit together. They’re known for photobombing and using their paparazzi shots to promote good causes. Also this just gives me an excuse to post Emma Stone’s lip sync battle on Fallon, which was epic. When Fallon had Andrew on after that he pointed out that they should’ve never given Emma a mic because she got real serious with it, real quick. The couple that lip syncs at home together, stays together.

photobomb emmaandrew

Years Together: 4

Chrissy Teigen & John Legend.

Screen shot 2015-01-25 at 12.21.53 AM Screen shot 2015-01-25 at 12.31.59 AM

I’m starting to see a trend here with the outspoken crazy girl and the other half that calms her down and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. Anyway Chrissy is a supermodel who also has a pottymouth, isn’t afraid to look like an idiot and creates twitter wars with her haters. John is a classy 9-time Grammy-winning singer/songwriter piano playing extraordinaire. They met on the set of one of his music videos. They found love in a hopeless place. Just kitten, but seriously all you need to do is watch the music video for “All of Me” and your heart will be all kinds of melting. Chrissy also pretty frequently screenshots her texts with John where she basically just trolls him, which is always good for a laugh. Bonus Points: When she had an ugly crying face after seeing John perform at the Globes she handled it real well. By making fun of herself.

Screen shot 2015-01-25 at 12.48.22 AM Screen shot 2015-01-25 at 12.46.56 AM Screen shot 2015-01-25 at 12.51.12 AM Screen shot 2015-01-25 at 12.52.44 AM Screen shot 2015-01-25 at 12.53.59 AM cryfaceglobes cryface

Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

David & Victoria Beckham.

becksthen-now becksbw

Ah, British royalty. Becks was the sex-tastic futbol player, Victoria was Posh Spice. It was the 90’s and everything was magical. Becks fell in love with Posh’s ability to never look like she’s having an ounce of fun and the rest is history. They invaded America finally and we all haven’t been the same since. They also created a crop of future models with their four kids that have been high fashion since they were in diapers. Harper’s toddler top knot at fashion week for all the awards.

becksfam harper

Years Together: 18 (Married in 1999)

Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan-Tatum.

channingjenna channingbaby-copy

They met on the set of Step Up, arguably one of the best dance movies of all time and couldn’t deny the chemistry of their dirty dancing. They got married and Channing rewarded every woman in America with Magic Mike and his “Pony” striptease. And Jenna was like yeah bitches, that’s my husband and he used to be a stripper. Then they had a kid and Jenna supported Channing putting on the lbs and coined it “fappy” (Fat+Happy) Channing. Just recently they were snapped having a dance-off after the Golden Globes proving to be the best thing to come out of Step Up, and yes that was a direct dig to Step up 2-100.

stepup danceoff

Years Together: 10 (Married in 2009)

Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard. 

kristendax Dax Shepard,Kristen Bell

Kristen and Dax are goobers.They’ve been doing a series of ads for Samsung for about a year now and call me a sucker but how they are in these commercials is exactly how I assume they interact at home. I eat that shit right up. They’ve always been all about sharing funny stories and being open about their relationship on talk shows and a few years ago Dax surprised Kristen with a sloth on her 31st birthday and she was so happy that she hysterically cried about it. Always the good husband, Dax filmed it all for our viewing pleasure. (See clip below) Plus after second baby Delta was born, Dax described Kristen’s C Section in the most romantic of ways, “After seeing this autopsy, I would rather see a school bus drive out of her vagina.” So he’s almost as much of a wordsmith as Ryan Reynolds comparing Blake’s breast-feeding to a diner chain.

pjs

Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Jimmy Fallon moved The Tonight Show to LA for a week and amped up the 90’s nostalgia. Obviously everyone and their mother posted this on social media yesterday but it deserves several re-watches. This Saved by the Bell Reunion was the best thing that has happened to me since the Full House reunion last year. Judge me, I dare you. Anyway this is the gang 25 years later and they all look exactly the same. HOW?! (To be clear: MPG looked weird because they did awk makeup and wig things to him, he’s actually still a smoke) Props to Fallon for knowing that Lisa Turtle didn’t have a place in this reunion and obviously Screech the creepy jailbird. They hit all the classic Bayside jokes and we even got a Belding Hey HEY what is going on HERE?! Side note: Where is Rod Belding these days? Does he also look woof or did he luck out with the good Belding brother genes? So many probing questions. Anyway…in addition to seeing Slater dance in a leotard, Jimmy also brought back the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, arguably the greatest TV theme song in history and this may have been overlooked because it happened right after the Super Bowl, but it’s still pretty great. Enjoy a trip down 90’s lane courtesy of Jimmy Fallon.

Throwbacks:

Also relive the appearance that preludes the SBTB reunion…Since MPG did his Zack Morris bit before everything was on YouTube, watch it here

2. In the cold long days of winter, thirsty girls across America got their first teaser trailer for Magic Mike XXL. Warner Bros capitalized on the obsession we all had with Channing’s epic solo strip to Pony by Ginuwine and I for one couldn’t be more pleased. The gratuitous sexual innuendos are free flowing and the abs plentiful. If this doesn’t pull you out of your blizzard blues for 1 minute and 36 seconds, ladies, I don’t know what will. Fingers crossed that the second installment has less drugs/artsy statements about stripping and more naked Channing and Matt Bomer Jams. Double fingers crossed that the lead love interest isn’t a straight up dude like she was in the original. Total Bomer kill.

3. Okay mop up your drool, we’re going back to family friendly headlines from this week now. Lennon & Maisy AKA the two child stars of the show Nashville got their start by doing duet viral videos. This past week they released a new take on the song Boom, Clap by Charli XCX. I know that I razz Nashville a lot for it’s predictable plot lines and terrible characters–all in good fun obviously–but this video just shows the reason I started watching this show. It’s for unknown singers who crush it. These two might annoy the F out of me on the show as whiny little teenage princesses but they’re REAL talented and for a 13 year old and an 8 year old to be this good it’s worth watching.

4a. Jeter’s Girl Hannah Davis snagged the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Now that she’s fully mainstream I would expect nothing less than for Jeets to move onto the next.

SI

Also making headlines this week-the very first “plus sized” model to be featured in the SI swimsuit issue. If this is what we’re calling plus sized I think I’ll go jump off a cliff now. Judging by this “plus sized” model being a size 10, I must be a candidate for Too Fat To Live, coming to TLC in the Spring.

plussized

4b. In related but not really related news (aka I just want to yap about it) there has been quite a buzz around Boston this week due to a trashmonster posting a photo that she snapped after getting boned by Julian Edelman, Patriots player and #2 GQ model on the team (#1 is Brady obv.) It’s a selfie she took in bed with him sleeping next to her that says “I just F’ed Edelman no lie.” Class act.

New England Patriots Victory Parade super-bowl-julian-edelman-tinder

After shaking his ass on the duck boat in the Pats parade there were other snapchats getting tossed around of girls partying at his hotel. And here’s my lesson of the day. I’m embarrassed of my generation and the fact that we live in the mentality of pics or it didn’t happen but at the same time, Jules–you just won a Super Bowl and you’re hot as shit, MAYBE start scooping up phones when you hang out (bang) girls you meat at the club. How does this relate to my SI Juice? Jeets was a PRO at banging randoms and keeping it under wraps. Rumors are that there were no cellphones allowed past the gates of St. Jetersberg and he even gave out gift baskets to compensate disabling all social media bragging rights. Take notes, Jules cause you can’t be having every post-victory tryst broadcast on the twitterverse. And that’s my lesson for the day. You’re welcome. If you’d like to hire me for PR, visit my about page for contact info.

5. Ugh, if I must, JT confirmed on his birthday (January 31st) that him and that wife of his are expecting even though we all saw her baby bump for a while now…This was totally a case of if I look away it’s not really happening. Neither of them publicly confirmed it so I pretended she wasn’t really pregs and when he broke the news on his birthday he honestly ruined a joyous occasion for me and I hope that he’s happy about that. I’m guessing this means I no longer have a chance. Whutever.

Standard