At first glance I thought she was holding a giant sun hat in front of her crotch. Nope, it’s just the dress. Glad she escaped old timey prison for the red carpet though.
DIRT STACHE.
I think this is what they call “eclectic”. I call it arts and crafts.
Ciara feels like she needs to show off her labia in hopes of tricking her boyfriend into having sex with her.
I miss Nick & Jess.
Major key: Black tuxes are slimming. (Unless you’re bigger than a house.)
WUT IS THIS.
Love Tor Tor but this dress makes her look fat and I know she is NOT.
Hey Bow Wow thanks for stopping by in your lace bib.
SEL, where’s your prom date?
We get it Tove Lo, you’re badass.
Serayah (sp?) has made the full transformation to Bad Girl RiRi
MULLET. MULL.ET. BIZ IN THE FRONT, PARTY IN THE BACK.
Cam’s dress got caught in the paper shredder, apparently.
Sooks to have the same color combo as T.Swift but look worse.
Wonder how long it will take to get this dress off? Don’t get drunk Karen, you’ll be untying all night.
Only Pharrell would roll through with white shades, a pearl necklace, his grandma’s sweater and a graphic tee. I can only hope the tee said something about brunch because Pharrell is white girl wasted in this getup.
BEST:
I didn’t even think Mya was still a thing but she looks bangin.
Don’t hate the darker locks.
Classy AND hawt.
SPARKLE TUX! (insert jazz hands)
Every musician who attended these awards should be embarrassed because Alessandra just did the damn thing.
POWER COUPLE.
I’m jelly of how skinny Ariana is .
Convinced Sam lost weight because Adele is back and he needs to remind everyone he still exists.
The new pantsuit. Elegant as hell with a few can tabs tossed in the mix.
Jack is looking spiffy.
Maroon suit GET AT ME.
My Valentine ❤
GOAT
I know it’s controversial of me to include this on my best dressed. But WHATEVA. I like it. She looks skinny AF and I bet she can sit with her legs wide open because she has built in shorts. I respect it. Obviously the Anna Wintour hair isn’t as welcome but it’s better than the slicked updo. END RANT. (Update: after seeing the dress move when she walked onstage, the underpiece actually looks like a diaper. So that’s weird.)
Shocking twist: I don’t hate this.
Ugh whatever Kaley, we get it you’re in shape.
This picture doesn’t do her outfit justice, she’s such a skini minnie now.
FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:
Ellie Goulding arrives at the 58th annual Grammy Awards at the Staples Center on Monday, Feb. 15, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)
ELLIE! From left field! Everything crushes about this look.
1. Squad Up. You come at the Queen, you best not forget she has an army that worships her. Kanye decided that truces are for lil bitches and debuted a new song last night at the Garden where he rapped that he could’ve had sex with Taylor Swift and also he made “that bitch” famous. And the entire world cringed. Immediate bestie reactions included:
My attendance somewhere does not mean I agree with everything being said in the music playing there. My friends know of my loyalty.
Also, not for nothing, but do you think they’ll be selling these at the Great New York State Fair this year? I’d love to get one and maybe have them airbrush BaByGuRL at the bottom.
Double also, click here for Kanye’s self-involved babbling twitter rant that will probably be deleted right quick. Highlights include: Taylor came up with that lyric on her own, and his wife approved it so it’s Gucci. In addition, bitch is a term of endearment in the rap world. OKAY KANYE. #FACTS.
2. IT’S COMING. As the premiere date nears, the teasers are getting bigger and bigger (and my expectations get lower and lower.) This week 2 out of 3 Tanner sisters and a Gibbler debuted a new trailer on Ellen and talked more about the Olsen Twins because no one can let it the F go that they’re not a part of it. A little heavy on the “let’s nail every catchphrase from 1995 to show people what nostalgia looks like” but overall not horrible. I guess I didn’t realize until watching this trailer how perfect Deej is as a Danny 2.0. She was always a little neurotic and seeing her in this role makes complete sense. Can’t w8 to binge so hard on February 26th.
3. Craigslist Bros Get a Movie.
Remember back when I was still in college and two Saratoga bruhs went viral for turning to Craig’s List for wedding dates? I do, because I almost applied. Why? Because they were hot and funny and going to a wedding in the town I lived in. HellooOo, OPEN BAR. Anyway, probably should’ve applied because they cashed in REAL hard on their 15 minutes of fame. They penned a book about how funny they are and then signed a movie deal allowing Zac Efron to play one of them. If that’s not winning, I don’t know what is. I wonder if they fought over which one was going to be played by Zac and which one by Adam Devine. Anyway, here’s the trailer for the movie. It looks pretty funny but seriously do these guys still live in the capital region? Get at me.
4. Where You Lead, I Will Follow (but maybe not)…
Now that the Gilmore Girls reboot is official and starting to film, the comeback confirmations are piling up. Immediate sign-ons were obviously Lorelai, Rory, Luke, Emily then came the boyfriends Logan, Jess and Dean. And now they’re just F’ing with us and I’m not so sure if I’ll follow because they’ve thrown Sutton Foster into the mix, an actress who basically played a Lorelai carbon copy on Bunheads (produced by the same person as Gilmore Girls) and APRIL. THAT’S RIGHT. APRIL NARDINI the little NERD that broke up Luke & Lorelai is back to terrorize Stars Hollow. NO. THANKS. But really, I wouldn’t hate a Logan/Rory reunion, or a Jess/Rory reunion. Dean can kick rocks.
PS they’re literally bringing every character back except for Sookie. Which makes 0 sense. Kirk, Mrs. Kim, Lane, Paris, Michel, Christopher…everyone’s in except Melissa McCarthy. It’s gotta be a slap in the face that they would rather create a new character with Sutton Foster than bring back Sookie.
5. Ryan Reynolds is a DILF.
As if we didn’t already know this, but People felt the need to state the obvious and I’m not arguing it. RyRey getting another mag cover and probably hot bod spread really doesn’t bother me. Three cheers for DILFS and having the same taste in women. SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE LEGS?
May your Valentines Day be full of trips to Red Lobster and mean muggin like Blue Ivy.
A WEEK WITHOUT FAYE, HEY HEY HEY! Let us all rejoice and laugh at grown women paying thousands of dollars to freeze their pains away. Yo takes Kyle & Lisa to Cryotheraphy so that she can lock them both in a frozen chamber and try to murder them ala Scream Queens. Except Yolanda is probably smarter than the Chanels and will get the job done. Jk she doesn’t murder them yet, she just shows them how much better she is at handling a quick jaunt in -140 degrees Celsius. She saves the eviscerating for lunch when she dips her toe in the water by testing her Judas friends to see if they had her back when Rinna went on her Munchausen’s rant. It’s crickets from the two gossips. Guess these girls ain’t yo homies, no mo, YO! (Applause for that prose, right there.) Then the real smack down begins as Yolanda slides her children’s medical files over to Lisa, says, “I know what you did” and demands an apology. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lisa speechless and it is GLORIOUS. Take the kids’ diagnosis as punishment for being a shitty friend, Lisa. Maybe you can read them as a bedtime story as you tuck Ken into bed at 5PM every night.
In the house with a chapel built right in, Erika debates wearing her choker that says “cunty” for her next show in a closet full of gold chains and sparkle stilettos. Mikey, her creative director or more importantly, c-word enthusiast tells her to go on with her bad self and wear whatever the F she wants. Maybe if she wears a dog collar with a disgusting word for vagina on it she MIGHT even sing about sex and stuff…right Rinna? Anyway, Erika Girardi may have a place of worship in her home and a private plane for travel, but Erika Jayne takes a tour bus to San Diego with a bunch of gay dancers and sips Dom out of a plastic cup. Keep shaking it girl; you’ll get there one day.
Eileen meets Kathryn for lunch and speaks Italian to a waiter in Beverly Hills because she traveled to Italy so now it’s appropriate for her to show off her Rosetta Stone Italian. Don’t be a dick, Eileen. Since Eileen admitted to dating Kathryn’s ex-husband before they even shook hands, they already know they have something to talk about over lunch. Except oopsie, it turns out the year Marcus was smoochin up on Eileen, Kathryn was already dating him. They may have shared Marcus, but they do not share the same taste in purses. The way that Kathryn looked at Eileen’s purse you would’ve thought she adhered a Velcro one-strap at the end of lunch.
Eileen keeps it up as the white trash of the group when she wears a practical denim jumpsuit for the girls’ road trip to San Diego. She wins “most likely to be bullied for poor people clothes” on the ride there. Not for her jean camel toe that’s most definitely occurring in that tight limo, but because her shoes are from Forever 21 and everyone else is parading around with $4000 bags. Meanwhile, Erika Jayne gets her twat tanned. So at least everyone’s keeping it real. Stay classy, San Di-ahgo.
At the hotel, Rinna puts her detective hat on after being falsely accused of throwing Lisa under the bus and CRACKS THE CASE. If she didn’t say it…she wonders aloud staring at a bunch of papers with a magnifying glass, then it MUST MEAN SOMEONE ELSE DID. How is Rinna not a private investigator? She’s really wasting her God-given talents tooling away as an adult diaper model. She recruits Eileen and they’re going to get to the bottom of this. (i.e. confront Erika the second she steps offstage.)
Completely unrelated, here’s a fun fact: Kathryn is deaf in one ear and who thinks she’s going to use this as an excuse to get her out of a shady sitch later on this season? I do, I do!!! Erika Jayne better not blow out her good ear with too much auto tune screeching.
The ladies arrive at Pervert and slap a bunch of gay dancer ass. DON’T WORRY, it’s so harmless, just like throwing a tops and bottoms party. After Kyle is done touching homosexual ass (they’re not attracted to her but that doesn’t stop her from trying) she tries to upstage Erika from the VIP box with a pony swing that could make any bitch within a mile radius go blind. Erika pats her puss. OMG SHE’S SO SCANDALOUS.
After the show, the ladies have a throw down about Erika’s seaward necklace and Eileen is like EVERYTHING THAT ERIKA DOES IS AMAZING YOU ALL CAN SHUT THE HELL UP. Eileen knows what it’s like to be personally victimized by Kathryn. Also, did Eileen draw a birthmark on her face with eyeliner? I did that once in my trial days of makeup and it looked like I had a cancerous mole on my face. It’s a fine line to walk. Oh, and also Erika flat out denied narc’ing to Yolanda. But whatever. I never want to hear about this argument again. I’d rather watch Rinna dance like a mom in a gay club 1 million times than hear this fight anymore. Someone make those spastic moves into a gif, stat. Please and thank you.
If you recall, last week ended abruptly after the house aired their grievances for Olivia and Ben pulled her aside to pretend it was a cliffhanger that he could take away her rose. Everyone in America knew that Ben would never snatch that rose. Those flowers are 100% black, black no trade back. When Ben asks Olivia to explain herself, she plasters a smile on and is like it’s not my fault that everybody hates me because I’m so popular and pretty. Olivia wants Ben to know that she’s not here to paint nails, she’s here to read books and think and “talk smart things.” Can this be made into a graphic tee? Olivia carries that rose back into the room like a badge of honor. I’m surprised she doesn’t spike it right off Leftover Twin’s face.
Ben whines a lot about how hard life is and then gets right to the rose ceremony where Olivia chirps to the other ladies that she’s untouchable.
Jk she actually says COME AT ME BRO. Unfortunately I have a bright purple pinny that says this and it’s funny because it’s trashy and from the Jersey Shore boardwalk. I now need to burn that pinny. But guess what Olivia, I painted my nails and did some reading while they were drying last night. I guess girls CAN do both. Come at ME bro.
(BYE Jen, sucks that you just started talking last week and Leah still got the rose over you.)
Let’s all go to the Bahamas! “Woooooooo!!!!”-how a room full of ladies greet the Bahamas.
Let’s See if our Love is Reel with Caila
Caila may have this date but Leah is pissed. Who’s Leah? She’s the one crying in the bathroom while Caila is out deep sea fishing with B.Higgs. Leah’s crying because she lives 10 minutes away from Ben IRL and yet never met him at a bar. Ugh Leah, go home and surf Hinge for someone to meet for drinks. But first, shut the hell up and enjoy an all expenses paid vacay in the Bahamas.
Back on the Leah-less date, Ben tells Caila: “You smile a lot.” Gr8 observation, Ben. He’s looking for someone to cry with. Ben wants to know if she’s going to smile when she’s sad. Ben’s mind is an oasis of dumb thoughts that he feels are necessary to repeat out loud. Caila admits that she feels like she loves him. Yikes. TOO SOON. But then she talks in circles and maybe redacts that declaration of love? It pretty much makes no sense. Ben is like hey you’re not making any sense and she goes I know I’m in love because I’m being understood and you really understand me. OK CAILA. She gets a rose because not knowing what she wants is SAH CUTE.
Love is Unpredictable with Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H., Leah
The bikini-clad hoochies yacht to a private island for a quick swim and feeding time with some water pigs. WHAT ARE THESE CREATURES? Is this a thing? Come to the Bahamas—get raped by the dolphins and then scoot on over to the dump waters for a little pig tussle and weiner feeding. I can’t imagine why that wouldn’t be on a travel brochure.
Ben’s really excited because the girls are having such a fun time with the pigs. I guess Ben thinks a fun time is having fat pigs assault girls in bikinis for a chicken weiner. I feel like he should maybe be a little more concerned for their safety and learn to differentiate their “I’m having fun” screams from their “these pigs are slaughtering me and I’m terrified” screams.
After the piggie assault all the girls get jelly that Ben is hanging with Lauren B. in the water and they all quit their jobs for this. Don’t pin your dumb life decisions on someone who matches their eyebrows to their dye job, Leah. That’s not fair. There’s a lot of group wah-wahs about how life is so hard when they’re literally on a beach in paradise. But whatever. It’s snowing outside my window, but like Ben has to make out with a bunch of chicks in a tropical location so who’s the real loser here?
Later, Ben spends the evening portion reassuring each girl one by one that he still likes her. Leah shoots herself right in the foot by using her time with Ben to talk smack. Or does she? Leah is heard chit-chatting about a girl who acts different in the house that sounds sneaky like Olivia and then by TV magic, the name “Lauren B” is dubbed in through voiceover. Crack job at discreetly creating drama here. Lots of tears ensue as Ben confronts Lauren B about being fake and Leah denies talking shit about her. HOWEVER, what’s important to take away from this is that the only real thing in the entire night is the frizzy AF hair on these girls who are battling the Bahamas humidity AND an island storm.
Back at the house the girls try to figure out who narc’ed about Lauren B. (hint: post-production) while Leah curls her eyelashes and heads for Ben’s room….to talk more about Lauren B. Ben gets a little sense and bids farewell to Dark Brows. FOREVER.
Let’s Sea with Olivia and Leftover Twin
YASSSSS. Death match between Cankles and the Leftover Twin. Olivia lives in a nice fantasy world where 23 is a SUPER mature age. Leftover is only one year younger and yet SUCH A BABY compared to Olivia. She goes a little too far when she compares the date to a mother hanging out with her child. It’s funny because she’s the mother in this scenario and she’s THE SAME AGE AS other twin. Regardless, both girls can still call themselves recent college grads and therefore they both need to GO.
On a secluded island with hurricane winds and a lack of hair ties, Olivia tells Ben that deep intellectual things are her “jam”, and further makes me want to punch her square in the cankles. She also tells Ben she’s in love with him and then tries to swallow his face so as to avoid the awkward silence that would inevitably follow that confession.
Not much better, Emily word vomits a speech about how she wants Ben to watch her grow up since she’s barely legal. Throughout this entire sputtery soliloquy, her face is covered in hair and Ben’s like no don’t fix it because I don’t want to see your face. She shouldn’t get the rose. But she does because Ben doesn’t love Olivia and the producers have gotten the ratings they needed from her. Olivia is left on the island to cry into the ocean and accidentally swallow some of her hair in that giant mouth of hers, her tree trunk ankles buried in the sand. Goodbye old friend, go forth to have a bustling TV career just like you always wanted.
Roses (again): Caila, Amanda, Leftover Twin, Becca, JoJo, Lauren B.
The dramatic standdown between the Lauren’s at the end was supes unnecessary. As if Ben would EVER pick H over B. Lauren H gives good cry face though. So she’s got that going for her. Never Forget:
As always, don’t expect any sort of sports analysis here, unless you want me to discuss in detail how I wore a fictional football team jersey yesterday and made my sister take a picture of me tapping the top of her doorway so I could re-create the CLASSIC Friday Night Lights intro. Riggs was NOT in the game last night, and the Dillon Panthers did NOT win, therefore it was a snooze. Here’s some highlights and stuff…
If you closed your eyes and just listened, Lady Gaga’s national anthem killed it. If you had your eyes open, you had the unfortunate task of guessing if she was really feelin it, or if her eyes were being weighed down by 5 lbs of glitter shellac.
I’d like to personally thank Lady G for tossing a Christina Aguilera riff in the mix, complete with jazz hands, because it made me laugh out loud.
I only know who Jerry Rice is because he made a cameo in One Tree Hill at Jimmy Jam’s birthday party one year. If he had worn these sunglasses he would’ve scared all the kids.
I didn’t know Danny Zuko played football! Grease LIVE is so hawt right now.
REAL disappointed with the assortment of commercials last night. Last year was all about kids dying, this year was all about inanimate objects talking? Either way, sook city. ALSO WHERE THE HELL IS THE BUDWEISER CLYDESDALE AND PUP?! C’mon guys! You have ONE JOB. (Realistically they don’t and they probably didn’t need an ad at all with the real subtle plugs Peyton “I drink beer” Manning gave after the game no less than 5 times.) But anyway…
Duds:
–Michelob Ultra trying to make us think that their beer is for people who’ve gone real hard at the gym and just want to hydrate themselves a little. What I took away from this commercial is that I get equally as out of breath when I walk up the stairs, so does that count as me “going the extra mile”?
–Snickers is becoming more known for their celeb cameos and this one had a few, but what I can’t get down with is using holograms to bring back dead actresses. If Marilyn Monroe was going to come back via CGI you can bet she would’ve wanted it to be for something a little more scandalous than a Snickers commercial.
-Lil Wayne is still alive and he’s doing a commercial for Apartments.com to the plot of the Jeffersons. What year is it?
-Hey look guys, Steve Harvey is in on the joke! LoL TMobile 4ever!
-Christopher Walken closet was so under-used it wasn’t even funny. Kia really blew it by taking a classic joke and turning into a lame car commercial.
Nightmares:
-Let’s just toss a bunch of aliens together to represent taste testers of Mexican avocados. What do aliens and Mexicans have in common? That’ll go over smooth as guac. (Bonus points for being SO pop culture savvy with the black and blue dress & Scott Baio. No that wasn’t a typo…SCOTT.BAIO.)
-Mountain Dew came back through with an image that I wanted immediately seared from my brain once again. Last year was a twerking dog, this year is puppy monkey baby. Isn’t it SAH CUTE? Now watch it rip your face off and twerk all over your dead corpse because it had a sip of the toxic lava that is Mtn Dew.
-The fact that my entire family didn’t know what a Marmot was is probably telling about how much time we spend in the wilderness. My sister thought it was a squirrel. Either way, kicking it with a large furry rodent and going in for a smooch is a quick way to end up in my nightmares section.
-You know what’s kind of jarring in human form? Steven Tyler. Let’s turn him into Skittles art!!!! Then have his large candy mouth sing Dream On from the floor. At least they didn’t show his feet.
-If the NFL was trying to paint a nice picture of cute kids singing about how they were conceived at the Super Bowl, I think they’re glossing over the deets a little here. Once upon a time, mommy was exhiled to the corner with her girlfriends to toss back wine and get ready for the halftime show, while daddy sat on the couch covered fingertip to elbow in hot sauce, shoveling wings and bud lights down his gullet while shouting at the TV. Mommy made bedroom eyes at Daddy from across the room (well Daddy thought they were bedroom eyes but really the dessert was just put out on the table behind him) and it was ON. They closed the night out with some pretty gassy sex. The end. Football IS family. At least Seal got a second chance at fame, though. Good for him.
Kinda Funny:
–Hyundai is repping their new whip where you can literally tell it to start and it does (whoa, technology) which allows some teens to narrowly escape a couple of bears. One bear just wanted to check out their ride, but it turns out the other actually wanted to eat them, cause it was his cheat day from a vegetarian diet. Hey Bear #2, same. I was ONLY cheating last night. DEFINITELY not all weekend.
-Hyundai must’ve really had their A team on the case this year because they also imagined a town full of Ryan Reynolds to the soundtrack of “What a Man” and I couldn’t have dreamed of anything better to be honest.
–Doritos kills it just about every year and they were pretty much the top dogs of this year. Their first ad was a live look at me when I was still in my mom’s belly jonesin for a cheesy snack. The second one was about dogs trying to get their hands on some ‘ritos and I can always get down with a dog commercial. (Unless they’ve combined dog body parts with human and monkey body parts.)
-Prius shows us that their cars can be driven by hawt-ass criminals and not just environmentally conscious dads who wear hemp shoes. They pretty much nailed how the world reacts to quirky stories with “The Prius 4” taking the media world by storm. I thought we were watching a real show when they asked a random girl which one she thought was the hottest. It’s sad because it’s true.
-It’s embarrassing when a commercial where the premise is the Shock Top orange boom-roasting a comedian ends up on the funny list but I actually cracked a laugh or two at this. Rough collection last night.
-Amy Schumer 4 Pres though. We can get rid of Seth probably. I’ll be VP of Bud Light because I basically already am judging by the amount of Bud Lattes I splashed down my throat Saturday afternoon. I’d 100% vote for the Bud Light Party over Donald Trump. Jus sayin.
-Honda gives us a nice pack of harmonizing goats singing “Somebody to Love” and I continue my quest to get to the bottom of HOW they make animals mouths move like that?! Seriously, I understand that I graduated in video production but like HOW DO ANIMALS TALK ON TV?!
-Drake entertaining a bunch of cellphone company squares as they shoot him suggestions for the Hotline Bling video was pretty great. The fact that it was T-Mobile was even funnier. It’s so adorbs how hard they’re trying to still be a thing.
HALFTIME SHOW (SPONSORED BY PEPSI IN CASE YOU FORGOT):
Sneaky start for Coldplay as they gave us a taste of Fix You before bursting into Viva La Vida. I could’ve done with more of Fix You, if we’re being honest. My high school obsession with that song where I would drive around and have all the feels really could’ve come out to play there. ANYWAY, Viva goes into Paradise and then their new number. (And I’m pretty sure that’s it for Coldplay songs…like they could’ve smashed out a medley of their greatest hits and they did like three songs. Yikes.)
There’s a whole lot of kids, which is something I never signed up for. I’d prefer to see Janet’s nip again than see a bunch of teenie boppers jump awkwardly onstage or play the viola.
The décor for the evening was psychedelic chic apparently, as an array of colors were thrown up onto the field and all over the stage for a very San Fran hippie feel. The theme for the vocals was “out of tune.” I was under the false notion that every halftime performer had to lip sync. It was VERY clear that Chris Martin was not on that train. His voice sucked, but hand claps to the light up heart in his pocket and rainbow safety pins clasping his pants togetha for being supes kewl.
Suddenly Chris is kicked off his own stage to make room for DJ Jazzy Mark Ronson to spin a 2-year-old song and Bruno to sashay around with a leather gang and halfheartedly lip sync it. I commend Bruno for surrounding himself with child dancers his own height so he doesn’t get a Napoleon complex.
Beyonce marches onto the field in a onesie and is like okay, enough, enough, Bruno and performs hot off the presses “Formation.” She gives the internet a new treasure trove of weird face gifs.
It would be wrong of me not to declare that as a part of the beyhive, this performance was prrrrrettty rough. It probably didn’t help that I was in a room full of Beyonce-haters. There were cheers as she almost toppled and I nearly covered my eyes. B, act like you’ve dropped it down low before.
I’m assuming she almost ate it because she’s a little more top-heavy lately (aren’t we all?)…might have something to do with her carrying hot sauce in her purse but that’s neither here nor there.
While Coldplay is still nowhere to be found at a show they probably payed millions to play, B and B have a dance rumble where Beyonce towered over Bruno and easily could’ve hip checked him off the stage and then Chris was like hey guys, remember me?
All three sang while a montage of performances past was shown and WHOSE HALFTIME SHOW IS THIS?! Once we’re done watching everyone else’s epic performance, the three take the stage with a bunch of local high school girls itching for their 15 minutes of fame and tossing their hair real hard to pretend they also have a personal fan pointed on them. Bruno blends right in with the kids, in fact I almost lost him onstage for a minute. AND THAT’S IT.
Oh yeah, and Beyonce apparently announced a world tour and even though I missed it, my dad assured me it was flashing across a message board wrapped around her thigh. (Note to self: never let the men in my family see my 3x as thunderous thighs.)
I’m just spitballing here but wouldn’t it have made the most sense for Beyonce and Chris to sing the duet THEY JUST RELEASED? Eh, whatever. Hey Chris, you tried.
Winners: Peyton Manning’s bank account as he cha-chinged his way through the post-game with talk of how he’s just a regular joe who likes pizza and beer. He just wants to kiss his wife and kids, but first he wants to lay one on Papa John, his business partner who he also kisses apparently. After the game he’s gonnna drink a whole lot of beers, but not just any ole beer. BUDWEISER. WINK.
Anabelle Bowlen. I wonder if her and Pat like to talk and not talk for hours.
“I feel like if you’ve been married for 20 years in Beverly Hills, it’s like you’ve been married 100 years anywhere else.”
What do you get when you mix 1 part snide comments about Lyme Disease, 1 part alter ego that intimidates everyone and 1 part Faye Resnick? The plot for every single episode this season of Housewives. Seriously can these ladies talk about/do anything else? Oh yeah, they can dress up like “Moulin Rouge” to celebrate their long-lasting marriages, and then talk about the three aforementioned topics at said party.
But before all that, it’s raining in BH because Kyle invited Faye to her BBQ and didn’t warn Lisa beforehand. Don’t question Lisa’s superpowers. She hates Faye no matter what and also now controls Kyle’s sugar intake. (It’s probably for the best.) Lisa compares Kyle inviting Faye to if she invited “Witchy-Poo.” Apparently that’s the adorbs nickname for Carlton. In case you don’t remember Carlton, she was a real sexual Wiccan and just about everyone hated her except for Brandi (who everyone also hates.) Kyle and Lisa passively aggressively fight about it but all is forgotten once they need to pick a locale for their joint anniversary party. Who has a joint anniversary party? Will Mauricio even show up or will it be Ken and the ladiez as always?
As the girls plan their party around slutty costumes, Lisa tries to swipe Kyle’s phone and we all learn that Kyle is a dirt friend. I’ve never seen a person scramble faster to rip that phone back. You know when your Bluetooth is hooked up in the car and a friend calls you, you have to announce that they’re on speakerphone so they don’t talk shit about the person you’re with? No? Just me. Well this was worse. We know Kyle doesn’t have nudes on there. Just shit-talking texts.
Rinna visits Erika to S her D and get a thirsty ass tour of her monstrosity of a house. She has A CHAPEL. ERIKA JAYNE…the HOOCHIE WHO SPEWS CLUB MUSIC IN A SHEER CATSUIT…HAS A CHURCH IN HER HOUSE. And a library, I assume for her husband. But really, back to the church, she got it because she likes to collect religious art. See a kewl portrait of Jesus? Why don’t you just erect a steeple in your home so you have somewhere to hang it? After Rinna gawks and talks about how that’s SO Pasadena of her (whatever that means) Erika takes some voice lessons where she just plays with her tongue and stuff.
New gal pal Kathryn cooks for her husband and he barks out requests for ingredients. It’s far too possible we have another David Foster on our hands. Except much younger, and more handsome, and probably cooler. The two of them hit the gym together, which is just so cute it makes me want to ralph all over them and their gossip weightlifting sesh.
Rinna goes over to Yo’s house to drag on this dumb AF storyline about the one time she used Wikipedia to look up Munchausen’s disease. Rather than apologizing for believing a website that anyone can contribute to, she says she feels like the worst person in the world for “engaging” or whatever buzzword we’re using to avoid saying that she talked smack. Yolanda replied with, “I’ve never heard of Munch-hausen-schmausen’s disease.” It’s even funnier than when she didn’t know how to pronounce cunninglingus last season. Yolanda is cute as pie and PS new revelation: Rinna has vagina armpits.
The event of the hour finally arrives and boy is it an eyeful. All the women treat the Moulin Rouge party like Halloween in college and make sure their T’s and A’s are fully on display. Kyle the most, obviously. Definitely not uncomfy at all to see her modeling the cleavage baring corset for her toddler. At the actual party, her high school age daughter shows up wearing a similar get up. Could we maybe leave the kids out of this?
Newbie’s Kathryn and Erika bond, if by bonding you mean one scolding the other for her potty mouth. Kathryn doesn’t love a good C U Next Tuesday and Erika does. Erika promises not to say it anymore around her after she gets verbally badgered that she’s too pretty for swears. Hey, Kathryn, I’m pretty too and a well-placed F bomb will always be funny. Have fun censoring yourself around Kathryn, everyone. It’ll be like hanging out with your parents.
BTW if I ever saw my parents attend a party like this I’d try to pluck my eyeballs out. Kyle does 15 splits because of course, and her nipples almost fall directly onto the floor. She also takes Mauricio’s D for a ride on the dance floor. Hope Alexia and her teen squad had blindfolds on for that number. Camille sashays around the dance floor like she doesn’t have a care in the world. To be clear she pretty much doesn’t because she still gets a Bravo paycheck but no one hates her for brawling on TV anymore. Drink every time one of the women refers to themselves as hookers. Whoops I’m dead.
As if Faye isn’t enough of a hot button topic (because Lisa didn’t even a little bit want her invited), Kathryn airs her grievances for the morally corrupt author. Kyle flies off the handle…probably because she hadn’t touched her vag to the floor in a minute and is all NOBODY talks shit about my bitch friend at my party full of Moulin Rouge hoes! Kyle and Lisa bicker about Faye and taking Kathryn’s side I think? I couldn’t really focus because the ghost of Taylor Armstrong showed up. No literally, did she mix up Moulin Rouge with Zombie Ghoul? She floats up mid-conversation then just stares at both of them and eavesdrops on their argument. The episode abruptly ends with a flashback to Brandi slapping Lisa. Hmm..
Most importantly, Rinna keeps her hair in a mom choppy bob because she wants her husband to F her. End of discussion.
PS This was a C+ recap because I’m still thinking of The People Vs. OJ Simpson and how Connie Britton delivering 4 lines as Faye Resnick was one thousand times more entertaining than the real Faye Resnick. And this entire season.
This week is MEXICO CITY, and on the plane the girls all shout at the camera and point because they were told to ad lib and they didn’t know what that meant. When they arrive at the Four Seasons, they cheers to finding love in Mexico and NOT dysentery from drinking the water.
“Let’s put all our eggs in one basket” with Amanda
Ben rolls into their hotel at 430AM gets in everyone’s sleeping grill piece and learns that the majority of his ladies in waiting look like garbage cans when they wake up. This life lesson is required of The Bachelor–an obligatory early morning drop-by to learn which ladies sleep in pink lipstick and glitter eye shadow, membs Britt? Leah is mortified that “her boyfriend” is seeing her like this. Who’s Leah? We may never know. Lauren H. has a retainer in and someone left their weave laying on the nightstand looking like a dead ferret. I’m not saying that I wake up looking like a dime piece, but I definitely don’t leave chunks of hair within reach of my slumber.
Not surprisingly, the only girl who looks picture ready is Amanda and she’s the one getting whisked away. Talk about a rough wake up call. Hey everyone, you look like monsters, I’m taking Amanda only, no need to take your slimy hardware out of your mouth. Seriously, put that thing back in your mouth. It’s a cesspool. PUT IT BACK IN YOUR MOUTH!
Amanda and Ben go on a hot air balloon ride and picnic in a random field, obv. At night, Ben does his typical deep probing interview process and Amanda tells him how her ex-husband sucked. Ben is in shock that a guy wouldn’t “wrap her and her children up.” That was a real sentence he said. Wrap them up in what, Ben? Do tell. Amanda reassures Ben that she shouldn’t be tossed aside because she’s already taken the marriage thing for a spin; in fact, marriage is more special to her now. Oh, honey. You obviously haven’t seen the outcome of The Bachelor…you don’t need to be serious about marriage to get the proposal at the end. Just pretend long enough for the press tour afterward and then you can both move on with your separate blogging careers and DWTS appearances. Anyway, Ben is like thank you for opening up here’s a rose, date’s over. Let’s not talk about me. Do any of these girls know a thing about him? Why is he such an interrogator on dates? Has he ever held a champagne flute before? All questions that demand to be answered.
“Como se dice…the way to a man’s heart” with Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, Olivia
WHAT a crew to learn basic Spanish in front of my very judgmental eyes. It’s possible that I’ll take it easy on them because I had a very Bachelor-contestant-esque moment last evening when I questioned if Mexico City was actually in Mexico. Turns out it is, and also I’m a moron. At least I’m really pretty. You don’t need to be both smart and pretty in this world, so I’m told. Case in point, the girls butcher learn how to say “I’m falling in love with you” and “I’m going to kiss you now” in espanol, because that’s VITAL for reading recipes in another language. It’s rough, but not as rough as Emily admitting she has no cooking skills or language skills and orders tres churros. (How do you think she pronounces Haitians?) SHE’S ONLY GOOD AT TALKING IN UNISON GUYS, CUT HER A BREAK! Jubilee turns into a jelly belly during the high school class sesh and sasses Ben back in English. The girls look on in horror. NOBODY talks back to their boyfriend. She gonn’ learn. (Really, though.)
At the market, Olivia snags Ben for her team and Jubilee tries a little threesome action, she’s quickly swatted away. It only takes two to romantically feed each other crickets. Everyone looks on with dagger eyes. Leftover Twin harps on Olivia’s dragon breath again like a real catty ass bitch who doesn’t know how to do anything but be a twin and apparently bark about someone else’s halitosis. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco. She knows her taco tastes really good and she just WANTS SOMEONE TO EAT IT. EAT JOJO’S TACO, DAMNIT. Jubilee takes the W for best fish, by herself, I guess? She’s taking all the credit and I’m wondering if she even had a partner other than her misery and potent jealousy in this competition.
At drinks later, the stealing is off to a hot start when Olivia cuts him off mid-sentence for a mediocre conversation about their meal that looked so gross the chefs talked about it in their native language like the Asians do at the nail salon when they see how gross someone’s feet are. Remember Jen and her big T’s from week one? She’s back in action this episode with a few lines. I start to think, Good for Jen! Coming back into the game. Then she says, “Once I commit to someone they’ll have my heart and soul forever.” HEAVY re-intro from Jen. Lauren B. is wearing gloriously white crop coords that I’m guessing only look good on little petite size 0 nuggets. She’s rewarded for looking like a dime with a severe tongue inspection from Ben to the symphony of church bells. He sees angels, or ripping that white skirt off Lauren B. Either one. Jubilee gets some QT with Ben to whine about her life and how hard it is to date him and constantly be such a raging B when he’s trying to be nice to her. She rips her hand out of his. He should’ve hip-checked her to the curb right then. Ben asks Jubz, straight up now tell me, do you wanna be with me? Jubilee has the BaLLZ to reply, “I want you to tell me that you want to be with me.” BAIIIIII. I was once on Team Jubilee when dem hoes (AMBER) were after her but she dug her own grave here. JoJo steals Ben hot off the Jubilee sendoff and looks like a real dick. Ben glares at her then makes out with her. Olivia gets a rose cause they “reconnected.” Although, according to Olivia and her magical imaginary touches from Ben, they never really un-connected. A leg push ALWAYS means something ladies, never forget.
Mexican Fash Week with Lauren H.
Lauren H. is JUST a teacher who has an ambiguous maybe Midwestern, maybe southern accent and dutifully wears her retainers. Golly gee, how could she ever end up on a catwalk during fashion week? Answer: because at Mexico fashion week, the clothes are made with good ole-fashioned spin-art.
Lauren H. asks everyone how long they’ve modeled, says she’s super nervous then proves to all those bitches who’ve been at it for 4 years that anyone can walk a runway. (And probably have a diet consisting of more than cotton balls with duck sauce.) Later on, Ben asks her to reveal her life story and we learn that you can’t make it on the Bachelor unless you have a carousel full of emosh relationship baggage trailing behind you. Lauren H. one ups Amanda’s ex-husband story with a tale of a boyfriend she dated for 4 years, moved across the country for, and found out he was side-piecing 3 other chicks, one of them being…HER FRIEND. That’s some real Days of Our Lives shit right there. She has decided to always choose happiness and that’s why she’s so bubbly and carefree and into smooching puppets. Don’t ever gloss over the fact that she put her lips on a puppet last week. Ben <3’s that about her and gives her a rose.
Cocktails
This episode was really boring and I was truly hoping we would get a fiery fight in our cocktail hour and instead we got one-part twin tears and one-part MTV insults. But first, Lauren B. wants to tell Ben things are getting pretty serious so she lets him know that she can see a life, but not just a life, like a LIFE life with him. Okay, Lauren B. time to lay off the vino. She also tells him it’s terrifying. So that’s comforting.
Not as comforting as Olivia informing Amanda that her life sounds like a Teen Mom episode. Amanda stands her ground, good for her and fires back at Olivia that she had a kid when she was 22. To be fair, the Teen Mom OG crew is around that age and on their second kid, SO THERE. She also adds on that Olivia reminds her of Snooki because she’s a hot mess. MTV sits back in their executive chairs over Times Square and gleefully rubs their hands together. Two original show name drops in one night. Why even buy advertising? Leftover Twin cries about Olivia being disrespectful and decides to air her grievances to Ben, AKA suicide mission. That’s bold of her but also not that bold because she would’ve been gone next week anyway. Olivia comes out of nowhere to pounce probably because a producer tipped her off to the blood. Olivia gives Ben a ring while Leftover Twin calls Dumped Twin to cry waterfalls about how Olivia is rude and stuff. Ben calls each witness to the stand to say something shitty about Olivia and there’s certainly no shortage of bitchy comments in that department. The Hoover dam has been opened and it’s flowing out of Olivia’s open mouth. Will Ben take backsies on that rose or will he continue to have the spine of a jellyfish and keep her around to terrorize the others behind his back? I think we all know the answer.
I went into this one with real low expectations and assumed I would be turning it off halfway through. Mostly because even though John Travolta is a big creep-dogg now, his role as Danny Zuko was easily my first crush (I’ve got a thing for bad boys) and I had a hard time imagining anyone else taking his place as the Zukster. I would call last night the first successful TV musical and I think everyone in America agrees. Mostly because of Aaron Tveit’s hips. Really though, in the sand, under the docks, I’d smooch this boy anywhere after last night’s performance. Here are the highs and lows of a musical based on the premise of a girl changing everything about herself for sex.
YES:
-Seriously Sandy, stop being such a square. Kisses from a guy with an open button-down make everything better.
-My favorite college bar used to play Summer Nights every single Saturday, which is just good business. Get a bunch of college kids boozed up and then have them scream in unison “NIIIII-HEIIIGHHHTTTSSSSS”. Needless to say, after damaging my eardrums from that on repeat every weekend, I was a little nervous for the live rendition. They nailed it though. Speaking of nailed, I feel like Danny’s friends should try it sometime and maybe they wouldn’t be so hard up for his beach hookup deets.
-LET THE HIP THRUSTS BEGIN. He could have sung Lamb Chop Sing-along here and I wouldn’t have noticed at all thanks to those hot moves. Seriously, were they even singing about a car?
-All hail the 50’s for their athletic nut huggers
-I don’t remember Frenchie being such a feminist in the original Grease, then again I also don’t remember a country that wasn’t aggressively racist and segregated in the 1950’s but that’s neither here nor there. In modern-reboot world, black students don’t have to drink from a separate drinking fountain, they can hand jive with the rest of ‘em, and Frenchie is a capital F feminist. She yaps to Sandy about how she doesn’t need Danny, she can be an independent woman like they teach in home ec. And Sandy’s like yeah whatever I’m gonna go buy some leather pants and get my man.
-Vanessa Hudgens as Rizzo slayed. Hudgens lost her dad this past weekend and went on to crush it as everyone’s fave sloot. She was sassy and looked like a real dime. Even her solo at the end was good and if we’re being honest that was always a song I skipped so I could get right to “tell me about it, stud” goods.
-Was it lame that they had to edit song lyrics and keep the kisses PG for primetime? Kind of. Was it AWESOME that they didn’t tone down the dancing? Yes. I’d like to personally thank Fox for allowing this to air:
It looked like a Miami club all up in that gym. Except of course, for Sandy…
Cool moves, grl.
-I wore leather pants out Saturday night and totally had a hot guy crawl around the bar after me too, and pass out from how hot I looked… (Not..jealous..at..all)
NO:
-Although it pains me to say this, because Boyz II Men are the originators of babymakin music, but after their performance as the teen angels, I think they’re past their prime. In other words, they’ve come to the end of the road. ZING.
-Related but also unrelated to Boyz II Men, Carly Rae Jepsen kinda sucked as Frenchie. The original Frenchie was so much better. She even outshined Carly as the waitress at the diner. Yikes.
-This new song was alright, but nothing’s weirder than the guitar guy roaming around the gym trying to distract us from our very own “who wears short shorts” commercial in the flesh, via Danny Zuko.
-The infamous drag race where there’s fire and cars getting chopped up and a terrifying villain named Leo with pockmarks all over his face was DUST in last night’s version. I understand they have limited resources on a sound stage but they didn’t even try that hard to make it look like they weren’t in a stationary car making a bunch of intense faces. I stand by my tweet.
-If they had a carnival set up outside WHY DID THEY NOT HAVE THE ENTIRE FINAL SCENE THERE? Starting in the gym and then driving golf carts around the set to finish the show was super dumb.
-Yeah, yeah, smoking is the worst but Bad Sandy NEEDS a cigg here. How is she supposed to stomp it out with her heel and look like a leather-clad minx while doing it?
-Related: you can’t have the final scene without the scandalous Shake Shack shimmy and the flying car. No argument. End of discussion.
Oh, obviously Julianne Hough was great as Sandy. As if that was ever a question. The girl’s a profesh at everything and cute as a button. From one Bad Sandy to another, I’ll just continue to be bitter about the fact that she got to mack Aaron and stuff…
I’d like to personally thank the SAGs for being on a Saturday night and thus giving me the perfect pre-going out drinking game. Good lookin out, Hollywood. Also personal thanks to Brad Goreski of E!’s red carpet for chatting it up with a celeb for a bit and then going “so I’m done speaking with you” to get her outta there. Smooth.
WORST:
Hey Susan, you’re 100. Put your SAGgy T’s away.
CHRISTMAS TINSEL.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO KIT FROM A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN.
WUF. Keith, your boy band chunky highlights. Nicole, your sparkly clown dress. Pull it together, guys.
I wanna be on Team Brie but this dress sucks. The rips and cords holding it together is dumb.
Oh, look, a piñata!
“She looks fine.”-my friend Lindsey
I’m pretty sure Gabrielle wore this same number to Beverly Hills High’s Senior Prom.
Serenity by Jan coming in hot with a hideous Leopard number, a sassy pose, and a mom hair flip.
Keep doing you, G. And by you, I mean making everyone on the red carpet uncomfy, obv.
Not my fave turtleneck dress.
I was fine with this until my friend pointed out the tiered design, SO I GUESS WE’RE BEING PICKY.
I don’t love the low cut cleave shot without the cleave.
Worst dressed sisters!
JULIANNE!!! WHO TOLD YOU TO WEAR THIS?! You always look like a dime.
MY EYES.
Is this one of the new Barbies?
She landed on this list because that face. Sry n0t Sarry.
Naht flattering.
BEST:
TOP. DOG. the GOAT.
All hail the bun.
Rumor is this might be a two piece. Either way, love it hard.
She actually has a pony, and it looked gr8. Love the onesie action too.
Queenie looking like a skinny mini!!!
So glad to have Tina Fey back and looking like a red ballerina.
This chick is a precious flower until she opens her mouth and that accent takes over.
What a fab party dress!
Sarah looks like a babe…even with glasses and a ‘stache.
Love the beads, love the color, love the style. WiN.
I actually like the dark hair on Amy and her knockers look top notch.
Can never hate on purple. This top half is different and kewl.
Diggin on dat blue.
Eva is a forever smoke.
Boom. Plaid suit.
WERK THOSE SLIPPERS, GRL. RESPECT.
Even though she has mom hair her “Angelina Jo-Leg” is on fleek.
This is my damn color. (I’m starting to get wine buzzed. I will not apologize for my captions.)
This is the best Ariel has ever looked on a red carpet. Her boobs are a normal size and this black dress is perf.
What a baller. Shot caller.
Beautiful red dress, snappy tux.
MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:
Different color, unique pattern & supes flattering.
1. This meaty eye candy knocked up his wife again.
It’s no surprise that John bulked up for a movie role and then gave Emily one seductive side glance and suddenly she was pregnant. Three cheers for this hawt couple and their second model baby. May your conception story be passed on for generations to come. If you want to get your wife preggers, don’t skip arm day at the gym.
2. Remember Zayn? He’s great at tongueing Gigi Hadid.
After a lot of twitter sass and one leaked song a while back, Zayn has finally shown the world what he left 1D for. So that he can play tonsil hockey with one of the hottest models in the world. Hey, I don’t hate the hustle here. What I do hate is this music video. It’s trippy and weird and I could’ve gone without seeing a flower blossom out of a woman’s lady bits. I see what Zayn is trying to do here with this smooth Usher-esque bedroom eyes jam and it’s alright, but what steals the shine is obviously my girl Gigi. She is flawless in this video, even when she’s crying blood. (seriously, thanks for the nightmares Zayn.)
3. This song still bangs.
Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell (one of my fave Hollywood couples) took some time off from doing Samsung commercials to cut together this Toto music video from their vacation like 4 years ago. What it brought to light is that this song is still a banger. Don’t sleep on Toto, guys. In addition, we learned that even on safari, where there is probably limited access to makeup and hair products, Kristen still looks like a dime piece and I’m real jelly.
4. Two Holy Men Meet.
The pope had the distinct honor of meeting all that is holy Leonardo Dicaprio this week. They shared some picture books, a laugh, and Leo spoke Italian at the Vatican and every woman in the world needed to change her undies. The pope bid him farewell with “Go forth my son, to love and serve the Lord, and win an Oscar finally.” (Probably.)
As reported on last week’s JUice, Louis has a son and only a week later he already made the little nugget insta-famous. AND HE HAS A NORMAL NAME! What a treat. Freddie Tomlinson snuggles right up to his dad’s tats and apparently no recognition is given to the baby mama who pushed that human through her vag.
BONUS: Rihanna and Drake collab it out again.
Spend the weekend deciding if this song is the most annoying thing on this earth or musical genius worthy of a Tidal-only release. I’m leaning toward annoying, but that’s just me.
The Salty Ju 