RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Please Welcome Erika Jayne!”

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A WEEK WITHOUT FAYE, HEY HEY HEY! Let us all rejoice and laugh at grown women paying thousands of dollars to freeze their pains away. Yo takes Kyle & Lisa to Cryotheraphy so that she can lock them both in a frozen chamber and try to murder them ala Scream Queens. Except Yolanda is probably smarter than the Chanels and will get the job done. Jk she doesn’t murder them yet, she just shows them how much better she is at handling a quick jaunt in -140 degrees Celsius. She saves the eviscerating for lunch when she dips her toe in the water by testing her Judas friends to see if they had her back when Rinna went on her Munchausen’s rant. It’s crickets from the two gossips. Guess these girls ain’t yo homies, no mo, YO! (Applause for that prose, right there.) Then the real smack down begins as Yolanda slides her children’s medical files over to Lisa, says, “I know what you did” and demands an apology. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lisa speechless and it is GLORIOUS. Take the kids’ diagnosis as punishment for being a shitty friend, Lisa. Maybe you can read them as a bedtime story as you tuck Ken into bed at 5PM every night.

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In the house with a chapel built right in, Erika debates wearing her choker that says “cunty” for her next show in a closet full of gold chains and sparkle stilettos. Mikey, her creative director or more importantly, c-word enthusiast tells her to go on with her bad self and wear whatever the F she wants. Maybe if she wears a dog collar with a disgusting word for vagina on it she MIGHT even sing about sex and stuff…right Rinna? Anyway, Erika Girardi may have a place of worship in her home and a private plane for travel, but Erika Jayne takes a tour bus to San Diego with a bunch of gay dancers and sips Dom out of a plastic cup. Keep shaking it girl; you’ll get there one day.

Eileen meets Kathryn for lunch and speaks Italian to a waiter in Beverly Hills because she traveled to Italy so now it’s appropriate for her to show off her Rosetta Stone Italian. Don’t be a dick, Eileen. Since Eileen admitted to dating Kathryn’s ex-husband before they even shook hands, they already know they have something to talk about over lunch. Except oopsie, it turns out the year Marcus was smoochin up on Eileen, Kathryn was already dating him. They may have shared Marcus, but they do not share the same taste in purses. The way that Kathryn looked at Eileen’s purse you would’ve thought she adhered a Velcro one-strap at the end of lunch.

Eileen keeps it up as the white trash of the group when she wears a practical denim jumpsuit for the girls’ road trip to San Diego. She wins “most likely to be bullied for poor people clothes” on the ride there. Not for her jean camel toe that’s most definitely occurring in that tight limo, but because her shoes are from Forever 21 and everyone else is parading around with $4000 bags. Meanwhile, Erika Jayne gets her twat tanned. So at least everyone’s keeping it real. Stay classy, San Di-ahgo.

At the hotel, Rinna puts her detective hat on after being falsely accused of throwing Lisa under the bus and CRACKS THE CASE. If she didn’t say it…she wonders aloud staring at a bunch of papers with a magnifying glass, then it MUST MEAN SOMEONE ELSE DID. How is Rinna not a private investigator? She’s really wasting her God-given talents tooling away as an adult diaper model. She recruits Eileen and they’re going to get to the bottom of this. (i.e. confront Erika the second she steps offstage.)

Completely unrelated, here’s a fun fact: Kathryn is deaf in one ear and who thinks she’s going to use this as an excuse to get her out of a shady sitch later on this season? I do, I do!!! Erika Jayne better not blow out her good ear with too much auto tune screeching.

The ladies arrive at Pervert and slap a bunch of gay dancer ass. DON’T WORRY, it’s so harmless, just like throwing a tops and bottoms party. After Kyle is done touching homosexual ass (they’re not attracted to her but that doesn’t stop her from trying) she tries to upstage Erika from the VIP box with a pony swing that could make any bitch within a mile radius go blind. Erika pats her puss. OMG SHE’S SO SCANDALOUS.

After the show, the ladies have a throw down about Erika’s seaward necklace and Eileen is like EVERYTHING THAT ERIKA DOES IS AMAZING YOU ALL CAN SHUT THE HELL UP. Eileen knows what it’s like to be personally victimized by Kathryn. Also, did Eileen draw a birthmark on her face with eyeliner? I did that once in my trial days of makeup and it looked like I had a cancerous mole on my face. It’s a fine line to walk. Oh, and also Erika flat out denied narc’ing to Yolanda. But whatever. I never want to hear about this argument again. I’d rather watch Rinna dance like a mom in a gay club 1 million times than hear this fight anymore. Someone make those spastic moves into a gif, stat. Please and thank you.

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