Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Jamaican Me Love You

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In the MOST DRAMATIC three hours this quarter, Chris Harrison butts in at the end of commercial breaks to say something like “watch what happens next” and to remind us ad nauseum that Ben LOVES two girls. Seriously Chris, what a demotion to go from announcing the last rose to instructing people to watch the show we’re already watching. What an embarrassing life you lead. JK there’s nothing embarrassing about how rich Chris is. We’re also introduced at the top of the three-hour block to Ben’s pastor—who is on call because he’s not really that busy. He flew out to LA to pretend to read a bible on camera and basically have no expression whatsoever. Get this guy an agent, STAT! Anyway, TAKE US TO JAMAICA, CHRIS.

In Jamaica, at the Sandals resort, Lauren continues her vendetta against her vagina as she suffocates it in another pair of jean undies. Let it breathe, girl! She takes my advice when she goes to meet Ben’s parents, thank gawd. That would NOT have been comfy to keep digging your denim out of your lady bits while convincing the boyfriend’s parents that you make mature decisions. Lauren earns strike 1 when she greets Ben by calling him cutie. Like what one calls a small child. Yuck. Strike 2 is when she reminds us of her suuuper awkward first date with Ben where she said she wanted to meet his parents. She tells the Mr. and Mrs. that she’s been waiting a LONG time for this moment. (2-3 weeks) Mama and Papa Higgins eat this shit right up though because cut to Mama Higgs holding hands with Lauren. (Remembs when leftover twin met the parents, LoL) Lauren tells Ben that marriage is a big commitment for her—and I’m guessing not just a gimmick for ratings on a poorly produced after-show. ZING, Pastor Denny. They both agree that they’ve never really faced real-life problems, so they can’t wait to get married tomorrow. Recipe for a Neil Lane ring return if ya know what I mean.

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JoJo meets the parents Higgins next and they don’t really think anyone could compete with perfect Lauren. Case in point, Ben tells them in detail about times he’ll never forget, like when they boned “cuddled for a while”. JoJo is like hey Ben; let’s not tell your parents about our sexy times, I’m trying to get them to like me. Seriously, Ben what don’t you tell your parents? JoJo tears up with Mr. Higgins talking about how much she loves Ben. Then when she tells Mama Higgs Ben loves her, the resulting reaction all but blows Ben’s cover. Mama ain’t so stealth. She also holds JoJo’s hand… but not as much as Lauren’s.

Ben breaks it down with his parents after and they basically tell him Godspeed. Props to Mr. Higgins for using every variation of girl an old man could use. “Young lady” and “gal” amongst others.

On the final day of dates, Ben has the same conversation with two girls and ABC tries to trick us into thinking they have enough original content to fill up two hours of programming. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Ben and Lauren lay on boat hammocks then move to the beach that they are docked 1 foot from to whine more about their first world problems. Ben is afraid that their relationship is TOO perfect. Ugh, h8 when that happens. Later at “dinner”, Lauren wears a nice black evening gown and Ben wears a hoodie. Quick preview into the rest of your life, Lauren. You look great, she tells him, because she’s obligated to return the compliment he just gave her. They sigh a lot and cry because I don’t know if you’ve heard this or not but BEN LOVES TWO GIRLS AND HE’S SO CONFLICTED.

On JoJo’s last date, she gets a recycled waterfall scenery for her relationship turmoil and self-doubt with Ben. Since when does Jamaica drive on the opposite side of the road like the UK? Is this a new thing? Am I really dumb? Don’t answer that. Jamaica is also a place where strange men chase after your car just to say hello. Yeahhhhh…..righhhhttt. JoJo and Ben talk about how hilarious Ben’s parents are. Did I miss something? Were they like ha-ha funny, JoJo, or taking a bottle of wine to the dome funny? Jk that was your mom, the queen of diffusing uncomfy situations like a boss. Anyway, BoJo (wouldn’t it be fun if this was their couple name?) waterfall jumps again. Ben doesn’t land on top of JoJo in the water and therefore it’s boring. Later, JoJo is starting to catch on that Ben loves Lauren, I’m assuming after Mama Higgins basically slipped her a tape of Ben telling Lauren he loves her when they chatted earlier. Ben reassures JoJo that he loves her and nothing is wrong, even going so far as to sit on the bathroom floor with her in a luxury suite of a resort. THAT’S COMMITMENT. JoJo feels like a damn fool and Ben’s like I feel you, boo. Props for JoJo for calling him out. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BEN, YOU BIG LIAR WHO TELLS LIES. Ben is tormented when he leaves because he just feels soooooo lost.

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The morning of the proposal, Ben meets with Neil, can’t tell him who his future wife is but then 3 seconds later it just comes to him, or something. What doesn’t come to him is a sense of style when he picked out the diamond that will be splashed all over US Weekly covers. Yikes that ring is ugly, no offense Neil. You get paid either way. 90% of Twitter males and females agreed with me, so I’m not out of line by saying this ring kinda sucks.

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While Ben is choosing a goo-riffic ring that’s worth millions of dollars, the girls’ put on their ball gowns and brush their throats with makeup (wtf Lauren?) then get into the chopper. JoJo’s dress is a bad prom getup but at least her overly bronzed cleavage got a lot of camera play. What a boner jam treat for the male viewers.

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Obviously we all knew what was coming when JoJo arrives first, but no one quite predicted how badly Ben would botch this TV breakup. He stumbles and stutters but the one thing that comes out crystal clear is, “I found love with you but I found it with somebody else more.” YIKES. There was definitely a better way to say that, bro. JoJo obviously cries and feels like a dum dum. Ben makes it worse by following her to the limo and sputtering “JoJo, I…JoJo…”

He gets over it real quick though because there were only 5 minutes left and he had to get to stepping to give that ring out. Covered in Jamaican heat sweat, (and possibly an ice pack wedged in his butt crack?), Ben calls Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. What a sweaty gent. Lauren definitely shits herself on the copter ride over and hopefully they have a cleanup team on call because nothing ruins a romantic island proposal faster than a gown full of poop.

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They get engaged, Lauren pretends to like the ring and then repeats her infamous “you’re my person” line no less than 10 times and Ben says it back. Enough is enough with this quote. It originated on Grey’s Anatomy for two BFF’s. It does not apply to reality show contestants who have an over under 3-month bet on their relationship lasting.

At the after show, as you might have guessed, Ben and Lauren want to try going on a real life date before they agree to a live surprise wedding, so thanks for coming out Pastor Denny, I’m sure it was really tough for you to creep us all out with your stony face for 3 hours. Also JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!!! HEY, LET’S CUT TO THE PASTOR SO WE CAN SEE HIS REACTION! No, really. That’s a thing they did. Also Ben re-proposes because they didn’t actually get married right there and producers were scrambling to draw out the airtime. Quick, Chris try out your best standup material: “maybe JoJo will fall in love with THREE guys next season. HA-Ha-HA.” And we’re out. For a couple of months, at least.

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Thanks for reading, thanks for making fun of this dumb show with me and special shout out to KBell for taking home the W in my first ever Bachelor bracket. Not proud to admit that I picked Becca to win it all when it was an obvious Lauren sweep. (This definitely doesn’t keep me up at night or anything.) Kay, done being a sore loser. CONGRATS KATIE BELL! You’ve earned bragging rights until the premiere of The Bachelorette, when I come back for revenge. (Too much, too little, just enough?)

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Objection Your Honor”

Erika

“Just relax girl, you don’t have to hit us over the f****ing head with your personality.”

I love Erika. I love her in a, I would probably never get along with her but she’s the only honest bitch in this pack of hoo-ha’s, kind of way. Erika hosts her first dinner party solely so that these gossipy hags can meet her old AF husband and probably insert their opinions all over the joint about him. Pre-dinner, Erika chitchats with her makeup guys—who just so happen to be wearing shirts with “Erika Jayne” printed on the back in Pussycat Dolls font. Slay.

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Instead of pretending like she’d just prefer to have her top chef cater the party, Erika comes clean and admits, “Here’s the thing, I don’t cook.” Own it, grl. Erika even allows Rinna to strut into her house wearing a leopard dress. Rinna has the nerve to be pissed that everyone’s jackin her leopard thing. That’s my latest update in ladies who think they own patterns/colors. Lookin at you, Vanderpump.

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In the end, there isn’t a throw down over Sammi Sweetheart’s signature style on two grown women. What’s even more shocking is that Kyle is Jewish. Since when is Kyle Jewish?! Have I been ignoring this for several seasons? Anyway, she can’t come because she has Yom Kippur. Eileen can’t come because she has a real job. (This is becoming a real trend here, wtf Eileen?!)

Kathryn starts off the evening on a hot streak when she tells the hired help that Rinna doesn’t eat so don’t bother offering her apps. Rinna handles it by telling her to stop pretty aggressively. In Kathryn world, stop means ALL SIGNS GO because she hammers on Rinna to eat two breadsticks at dinner in front of the group. She’s all, Gawd, Rinna HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. This is red flag numero uno that Kathryn is a real crazy bitch. The dinner pretty much spirals into Kathryn vs. everybody and yikes is she the worst. She yells, points fingers, LoLz at eating disorders, tries to force a friendship with Erika full of fake eyelashes and then makes a heel turn to tell Erika she’s not winning this fight.

Lisa attends the dinner pretty much just so she can flirt with Tom, make more spider web “nonsense” comments and bounce for a supposed charity event. What Lisa doesn’t remember is that Tom does NOT like to be interrupted. He basically tells her to shut up because she tries to cut him off. SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. He almost put a muzzle on Erika at their last dinner outing. Do NOT speak out of turn around Tommyboy. Since Ken only attends things to over-defend his wife with offensive comments when she doesn’t really need any help, he plays his part here. Ken tells Tom he’s acting like a judge when really he’s only a lawyer. Ohhh, Zing. Go back to sleep, Ken. Props to whoever wrote that line for him though. Emmy-worthy dialogue. Almost as good as Tom’s stunned interjection of “Do you guys do this all the time?” Yes, Tom. This is what the Housewives franchise was built on. Stop watching Perry Mason and get with the program.

Later in the week, Kyle & Erika play pickle ball, which is essentially a made up sport. They sip lemonade afterward and talk about how they should jet off to Dubai. When discussing the dinner party, we learn that Erika’s husband was pissed at her because she’s not allowed to have friends who behave like that. Or she’s not allowed to behave like that? I’m not following. Either way, her husband is controlling her and as a friend (a person who watches her on TV), I’d like to tell her I’m quite concerned.

Meanwhile, Kathryn tells her hubby that she’s going to try and be more feminine and less like bull in china shop. Also we get to see his abs gratuitously. Lick. Then we follow Kathryn to her hearing checkup. Even though Kathryn’s kind of a turd, it’s important to remember that she can’t hear at dinner parties. Feel bad for her.

I don’t feel bad for Rinna, who has essentially morphed from one of my favorite kewl chicks to this season’s Kim. She rarely makes sense, she’s pretty paranoid and I’m not really sure that anyone else on this show likes her. Eileen might be the newest to start distancing herself from Rinna after their visit to the beach. This is where Rinna spews some “come to Jesus” stuff about Lisa and Kyle starting the whole Munchausen thing and essentially saying she doesn’t doubt that Yolanda’s sick, but she totally doubts that Yolanda’s sick. Eileen is like why do you have so many trust issues you psychopath?

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Yo and Kyle discuss email etiquette, when to CC, when to blind CC and when to start an email with “Happy Friday!” and move on with their lives. Supposedly.

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After the charity Soul Cycle from hell, Kyle and Mauricio SOMEHOW still get all the ladies to agree to paint a house, Habitat for Housewifery style. I still don’t quite understand how these two got everyone to sign on for this; I mean do we think they promised that Donnie would work on the roof without a shirt or something? Lisa and Kyle think it’s their own personal open mic night and test out a few web jokes for Erika. Ba-dum-ch—she hates them and doesn’t laugh once. Not one to allow a joke to land flat as much as Kyle does, Lisa puts an end to the web talk. Erika and Kathryn put an even bigger end to the spidery comments when they yell at each other a lot and don’t even pretend to help paint this person’s house. I hope the residents of that house sat on their couch last night watching this and wondering if their trim ever got finished. Kathryn was adamant that her narc status did no harm and Erika is adamant that Kathryn sucks. (Samesies.) Eileen and Rinna are on Team Erika and TEAM WOMEN EVERYWHERE. GOSSIP IS NOT MEANT TO BE REPEATED. In the typical housewife way, they fake hug it out and everyone is ALL GUD. Except for Tom Girardi, who stays up at night plotting to get back at the women who have dared to interrupt him.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- A Cluckin’ Waste of Time

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“It makes sense now, watching it.”-Olivia

Here’s our lovely Bach tradition of putting a bunch of disgruntled betches who have just had all their gossip aired for America to see all in one room so that they can show off their new haircuts and let a live audience full of over reactive ladies from the Midwest judge them. Did I miss anything?

According to the first segment of this useless 2-hour filler program to draw out the wait for the finale, 50 middle schoolers have a pajama party every Monday night for the Bachelor. That’s some bullshit. I was NEVER allowed to have sleepovers on school nights…or watch-party bangers. Chris and Ben “surprise” a bunch of people watching The Bachelor. K.

Strike 2 is the return of Tiara, the chicken enthusiast who we only remember from her pre-recorded vignette where she only talked about all her chickens that she probably gets intimate with. Her lifespan on the actual show lasted one night when she was boring AF and Ben sent her packing so that he didn’t have to learn her name. Well, in gimmicks of all gimmicks, she’s been invited to “Women Tell All” to sit there with a chicken on her lap and do nothing else. I would’ve killed to be in the writers’ room for that one. An idea board is hoisted behind the conference table with “how can we work the chicken enthusiast back in??” Light bulb: have her chicken Sheila just sneak into everyone else’s shot and at one point attack Lace mid-program. Ding, ding!

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Other than allowing live poultry to observe this event in its entirety, we learn that Jen is a real bitch that HATES Olivia’s stinkin guts and Jubilee really was enemy no. 1 because she was yapping about being the only full black girl to make it this far. Reverse racism? Specifically, the two half black girls were pretty TO’ed about this comment. Who is who? Well let’s see, both Amber and Jami are half black, have decided to get the EXACT same haircut/style, and have their tits out for the boys. THEY’RE ALSO BOTH BARTENDERS. If we’re going to take a stance on race and race relations, pick two girls who aren’t THE SAME PERSON to do so. Jus sayin. Either way, Jubilee’s like whatever I never said that, but I guess I’m sorry. And Amber (?) blows her kisses. Genuine behaviors all around. So in summary, everything’s Gucci in the bi-racial Bachelor community.

Afterward, Jubz takes the hot seat where for her entire “interview” Chris Harrison does nothing but stare at her and will her to cry. She’s grateful that Ben gave her a chance at love even though her entire fam is dead and also she’s still active duty and could absolutely drop all ya’ll bitches with the flick of a wrist.

In resident Bachelor crazy land, Lace is suuuuper uncomfy watching her own highlight reel. Same, girl, same. I can imagine that her watching this season is much like what it would be like to watch a live feed of the bar cam whenever I end up at the Boom Boom Room in Saratoga. A lot of slurring and a whole lot more eye rolling. But I digress. Lace is proud of herself and feeling great now and everyone in the crowd is really supportive of this turn of events. JK they all roll their eyes off of their heads and toss dirties like nobody’s biz. Suddenly, a random crowd-monger steps into the light and tells Lace she’s “crazy beautiful” and flaunts his full-face tat of her, ON HIS RIBCAGE. Yikes. Pre-crime on a billion trillion. It was concerning enough, but then Chris Harrison told this stranger not to touch Lace and that’s when you know you need to change your address. Lace is invited to Bachelor in Paradise because she’s a loony, and obviously she accepts.

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During the gang up on Olivia segment of the scheduled program, everyone uses Olivia’s dumbass quotes to show her how stupid she is. I.e. Amanda calling “being a mom” her jam and Jen announcing that all the girls “like to read books and talk smart things too.” (But probably not the twins, right Jen?) Speaking of the asshole twins, they have no problem loading up all their ammo to shout things at Olivia and give their best stank face (as one.) They call Olivia a bully and when Leah’s like hey remembs when you two talked shit about her breath and her calves? Twin 1 was like THAT’S BEYOND THE POINT. It could not have been a more perfect response. CLASSIC hypocritical hate hate hate. Olivia is embarrassed about her mouth and her dumb sentences and just thinks she doesn’t have the right personality for that type of situation. She tearfully apologizes to all the teen moms out there and admits that she’s gotten a lot of social media hate, to which Chris scoots closer and is like WHAT EXACTLY DID THEY SAY, OLIVIA? Apparently Chris was really hoping Liv would read some of her cyber insults Jimmy Kimmel “mean tweets” style.

And of course, the most obvious choice for Bachelorette, Bubbly McGee Caila keeps a polite smile plastered to her face for the entire show until she’s called to the stage. They gracefully replay her big giant dumping and as the video fades of her sobbing in the backseat of a car and whining about how she still loves Ben, Chris goes “what’s going through your head as you watch that?” Spoiler alert: IT’S BEEN REALLY HARD. Caila also declares that now that she’s seen how Ben looks at JoJo and Lauren, she wants a love like that. So I guess she’s looking for a Mormon. Just kidding, she’s just setting herself up to step right into the Bachelorette role by artfully saying that she was hurt, but she’s still open to love. Ugh.

Then Ben is invited to come out and dodge everyone’s questions by saying all the ladies are amazing. But before we get into that, I’d like to point out that Ben is such a wiener, even when I tried to search a quiz on Buzzfeed to see if I was meant for him, they were like no, don’t do that…it gets better.

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Once I did find the quiz, I’m sorry to say that Ben and I are NOT meant for each other. I feel pretty good about it though because as Chris points out immediately, Ben is an I Love You slut. Chris then continues to slobber all over Ben and I start to question if maybe he’s a little jelly that Ben didn’t say I love you to him?!

Then the ladies get a chance to clear things up with Ben and ask dumb questions about why he didn’t like them, my favorite one being Leah who saw Ben compartmentalize relationships but then he totally narc’ed on her to Lauren. And Ben rightfully replied, but you talked about my other relationship…so I had to address it. Hey Leah, when you talk shit on camera, it typically comes back to haunt you. Be better than your black eyebrows and blonde hair. Apparently her and Lauren are good now though, so no one has to worry about that. *Fake Gigglezzz*

Then in the biggest question of the night, Ben is asked to tell the twins apart. He succeeds because a cameraman obviously tells him which is which. It doesn’t matter Ben, they’re both big giant bullies who wear skanky rompers “because they can.”

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The grand finale is a pretty decent blooper reel where a lot of people miss their mouth while drinking. Stars, they’re just like us me. See you next week for the DRAMATIC ENDING of Ben crying a lot like a lil baby bitch.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/29/16

1. The Museum of MK&A.

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Shout out to Lindsey for tipping me off to a kickstarter that funds a museum dedicated to the Olsen twins. Unfortuantely, upon further research I learned that this pitch BLOWS and I will be personally offended if anyone donates money to it. Instead of creating a 90’s utopia where everyone is required to wear bucket hats and pastel tinted shades, where you can watch unlimited “You’re Invited” movies, put anything your heart desires on a pizza and shop til you drop in the Magical Mystery Mall (did I just create Heaven or WHAT?!)…these two morons are raising money to display paintings of MK&A dodging the paps in NYC. No seriously, here are some examples…it’s BLASPHEMY.

2. Country Fire Flames.

It’s beginning to be that acceptable time of year where I don’t get downright depressed when listening to country music because it’s the dead of winter. Now that we’re getting closer around the bend to nice weather, I’m happy to bump this new jam from Jake Owen and pretend I live somewhere warm and full of southern gents.

3. Nothing is sacred. 

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High School Musical 4 is in the works because WE CAN’T JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. Seriously? High School Musical worked because when it came out the Disney channel was still cool and their original movies still rocked real hard. Now, the disney channel’s leading show is a fakeout sequel of Boy Meets World that really is just about two weird and annoying 6th graders who wear heels every day to middle school. Stop ruining shit, Disney. You’ve done enough.

4. Blue Ivy Rulez, Everyone else Droolz.

Look, we can dump all over the halftime show all we want but don’t say Uncle Chris tossin Blue Ivy around didn’t just explode your ovaries, ladies. Seriously, be cuter. YOU CAN’T.

5. Fuller House Season 2 Confirmed.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I got Fuller House over with as fast as I possibly could. The writer who said it was the worst pilot this year wasn’t being ridiculous. It really was. What’s even funnier is that Stamos is now teasing an Olsen twins comeback for the second season. They pretty much took a dump all over the twins in several very pointed and unfunny lines of dialogue in Fuller House so what they should be hoping for is the twins’ decision not to sue them. I don’t think they’ll be returning for season 2….I encourage everyone to watch this show so I can have a compadre to make fun of it with but other than that…no. Just no.

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Bonus: Obviously it was a light week for the JUice…but on the good news side of things, The Salty Ju is currently working on expanding into the business world of the internet…and by that I mean I’m working on selling my suuuuper KEWL pop culture-y mugs for all ya’ll. So get revved up for the debut of that next week. I know, I know… how are you supposed to sleep all weekend knowing that’s coming atcha?

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Not Easy To Love”

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What was once one of my favorite housewives traditions has been dumped on this season with one fell swoop. The dinner party used to be as sacred housewives event chock full of catered meals the host pretended to cook, dirty looks and drama invented over whose place card had a heart and whose didn’t. Well, not anymore. Now that Yolanda has been incapacitated with lyme-ness, she hasn’t been able to throw one of her famously douchey dinner parties with her creepy counterpart in an entire year. We’ve gone a whole year without David forcing Yolanda’s friends to sing and then quickly telling them they better not once he hears their terrible voices. Anyway, Yolanda tries to bring the old dinner party magic back and it goes horribly, horribly wrong. Why? Because everyone hates each other. Kyle and Lisa meet up beforehand to strategize how fake they’re going to act to Yolanda and once everyone arrives at the restaurant they make the sound decision to address their beefs right there at the table.

Upon greeting Yolanda, Lisa would like to make sure she’s forgiven for something that she NEVER did because Lisa has NEVER done anything wrong. Yolanda cries. Hot start to dinner. Then she asks Eileen if they’re good or not for the 100th time and for the grand finale, Lisa confronts Erika to talk about the cobwebs she weaves from her 68 year old vagina, or something. DON’T GET CAUGHT IN LISA’S WEB, KEN. Erika, my glittery blonde Barbie holds her own with her first dinner party attack…EVEN THOUGH she was up at 4AM patting dat puss.

At the other end of the table, Eileen is still steaming about Lisa’s bullshit. Then Kathryn is called down to repeat what Erika said again so Rinna can be part of the drama. Next, Eileen and Rinna start having conflict because Rinna won’t agree that Lisa is a shady MF’er. Are you keeping up with all this? No, of course not, because this is dumber than a bunch of 11 year olds gossiping over their lunchables in middle school. What’s even worse is that the only adult of the group, who owns up to what she says, Miss Erika “I Woke Up Like This” Jayne, is like WTF Kathryn, I assumed our conversation was confidential. And Kathryn’s like nah I repeat everything, so that’s on you. So basically Kathryn’s a shitty gossiper, and therefore a terrible woman. What female doesn’t know the hard and fast rules of talking shit? Nice knowin ya, Kathryn. You won’t be back next season.

What’s the perfect dessert for a dinner full of immature bitches choosing sides of the table? A private room performance from one of the classically greatest voices in the world, of course. Seriously, this group of turds gets to listen to Andrea Bocelli perform Ave Maria like he’s a jazz singer at a nightclub. How undeserving. Kyle sees this as a sign from her mom to go check on Kim and also cries. Rinna calls it f****ing SURREAL. Classy reaction from a classy broad.

After this dumb dinner party that wasn’t even exciting and disgraced the reputation of a Yo dinner party, the rest of the episode was essentially inconsequential. Rinna freaks out about her daughter’s tonsillectomy and her daughter requested she buy a wheelchair upon her recovery, so at least she’s not being dramatic. Kyle pretends to cook dinner for her kids and dog to eat off the table and announces she’d like to check out her heritage in Ireland. Mauricio’s like great, we’ll buy a house there, probably. Lisa shows America how obsessed she is with Yolanda’s ex-husband Mohammed as he builds her a pink playhouse for her backyard. I’m assuming this will be the ponies’ main residence. Eileen meets up with Erika and Yolanda to rehash her Lisa beef even more than I thought could be possible.

In the theme of beating a dead horse, Kim also comes out of the shadows and makes a physical appearance rather than just a verbal appearance spewing out of Rinna’s mouth. (LoL at Rinna suggesting she send Kim a birthday text. Maybe she should add the wine glass emoji for laughs? “Ha-Ha Happy Birthday Kim, remember that time I hulk-smashed a wine glass right in your face? Hope you’re sober xoxo, Rinna.”) Kim visits Kyle to have a “healthy conversation”, which in Bravo speak is: show every embarrassing and hurtful clip of these two fighting over the past 5 years that we can get our grubby hands on. Welcome back, Kim!

Out of all this garbage, one shocking fact from this episode shone through and I’d like to address it head on. Kathryn met up with her sisters for lunch and they talked about their family and mom and blah blah blah but Kathryn informed us that all four children in her family were conceived on birth control. WHAT. THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. This should be on a sign in my gynecologists’ office. Hey birth control is fun and stuff, but essentially DOES NOTHING. I mean seriously, once a year I pay to have someone probe around my downstairs with a metal clamp just so I can get a prescription to something that doesn’t even work?! Have a nice week everyone and close your legs unless you want babies!

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- I Love You, I LOVE YOU ALL!

pinkshirtponders

“I’m gonna try to find my wife in one of the most romantic places in the world, doing some of the most romantic things.”

I was salivating at the chance to dive right into Ben taking three girls to poundtown on consecutive nights but unfortunately first we had to listen to him recap how he felt about each girl (FROM THE BEGINNING) in an electric pink button down. Not only was he yelling because the ocean locale was less than ideal for filming, but he also apparently forgot WE’VE BEEN WATCHING ALL SEASON and probably don’t need to be reminded of the three girls left.

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Finally, it’s date time and the first one is a doozy. Ben takes Caila rafting down a murky river to the tune of ethnic flutes. Thank God for the native soundtrack because otherwise we’d be listening to crickets, literally. After rapping back and forth about how exciting the day is, they’ve run out of things to talk about. I half expected Ben to be like, look…a tree! Ben uses his buzzword of the episode “emotional rollercoaster” to ask if Caila is ok. She’s not ok, which is fine because she’s as good as gone anyway.

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Later on, Ben’s like WTF was today? And Caila’s like I’m scared and then she tells Ben she’s in love with him and they smooch and violins play. Caila knowingly tells the camera that she’s in love with Ben, “when we take a deep breath together,” and she’s reassured because, “I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.” Apparently since Ben and Caila can’t hold a conversation, they’ve had a lot of experience just breathing on each other. That’s love. Ben invites her to the fantasy suite and fireworks go off during their foreplay. Thanks for that, ABC.

The morning after, Ben asks if Caila wakes up looking this beautiful every morning and she gives him a sly smile. Good answer, Caila. Good answer. And that’s how you trap a man when makeup and hair are on standby. Ben does the walk of shame right to his date with Lauren – oh the joys of Fantasy Suites.

 

LAUREN

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Ben and Lauren (who’s wearing shorts so tight and far up her asshole that she’s waddling) save baby sea turtles and it’s probably the cutest date ever. Way better than Caila’s silent log jam followed by a pile of meats on a table. But then Lauren has to ruin it by saying she’s going to be with Ben as long as the turtles will live. Do the math, Lauren. Don’t be a moron.

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Ben tells Lauren she’s too good for him (yikes) then they frolic in the ocean and probably (definitely) stomp on a bunch of the baby turtles they just returned to the water. There’s a double rainbow, obviously.

At night, in a tropical crop coord, Lauren tells Ben the same exact thing Caila told him one night earlier. Because Ben is a dud, he does not understand that every woman is threatened by him having sex with two other girls at the same time. BUT, if there’s one thing these two need, it’s S-E-X and you betcha Chris Harrison is gonna deliver that fantasy suite in his swoopy female handwriting. After Lauren lays down the groundwork with a couple “you’re the man of my dreams”, she sees that Sandals suite and goes for the big reveal. Even bigger…Ben SAYS IT BACK. And not even just in a “love you too, grl” way. Ben says, “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well.” Now that they’re two consenting adults in love, I said a bang, bang, bangity, bang. (No fireworks though…sux 4 you.)

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In the AM, Ben brings Lauren coffee in bed like a MF’ing dreamboat. They sip in front of their private pool, where Ben lays the L word on her again. What a renegade! Who would’ve thunk shy, unlovable B.Higgs would be such an I Love You rule breaker. As he heads to his third romp of the trip, he muses that telling Lauren he loves her complicated things. Oh, RLY, Ben? Special shoutout to ABC for thinking shutting the door and making sleepover innuendos aren’t enough for us to get it…this pan to Lauren’s dress on the floor was just shy of hearing Lauren orgasm with a mic pack on ala Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season.

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JOJO

Since these women are on a strong path to making me feel like a hippo, JoJo is the second girl in this episode to leap into Ben’s arms. Wut3v3r. They take a copter right on over to a Jamaican waterfall where naturally they cliff jump togets. Metaphors, amirite? They take the plunge, which gives JoJo the courage to say she loves Ben (but she didn’t say he was her person.) Ben says I love you too and JoJo’s like SAY WHAT?! So he repeats it. DAAAAMMMNNN, BENNY, back at it again with the I LOVE YOUS!

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Later, JoJo reiterates how shocked she is that Ben broke #1 Bach rule and confessed his love. This is BEFORE she realizes she got a sloppy seconds I love you. Tossing it back to the hometown date, Ben addresses the fact that JoJo’s brothers are D-bags and JoJo’s like oh they’re just overprotective and would murder anyone who ever broke my <3. Aaand I bet this is around the time Ben starts to regret playing it fast and loose with the love-whoring. In the fantasy suite, JoJo rambles on and on in a bikini about how much she loves Ben while they prepare to become lovahs in their private hot tub.

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The next morning JoJo thanks Ben for being honest about his feelings and he’s like yes we’re on the same page now. Did JoJo tell another girl she loves her and I missed it? Darn. Not sure that page is quite the same.

In a plot twist, Caila wants to surprise Ben, which is kind of sad because he’s already basically forgotten about her at this point. I mean she was dunzo the minute she turned into a mute on their date. She sneaks up on Ben and puts her hand over his face for a surprise kiss. What a risky hello.

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Ben’s like oh great timing, I don’t love you—and in brutal TV dumpings, Caila has essentially walked right into this one—or galloped, in a bikini top, obv. She gets in the car then whiplash gets out and wants to know if he knew this whole time. AKA Caila wants to know if he boinked her when he knew he was sending her home. Ben may think it’s AOK to tell two girls he loves them on TV, but at least he knows enough to lie here. Caila cries a lot in the car ride home and still looks beautiful and God help us if she’s the next Bachelorette. I can’t take this sunshine chick on uppers persona for another full season.

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At the useless rose ceremony (that they still feel the need to draw out with dramatic music), Chris Harrison finds out that Ben L-bombed them both and pops a bag of popcorn for the big show. Gotta wait two weeks for that!

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Movies, Television

Oscars 2016 Recap

chrisrock

WHOA. If you were looking for an uplifting three and half, yes THREE AND A HALF hours on a Sunday night, you probably shouldn’t have tuned into the Oscars. Hollywood is RACIST, college campuses are RAMPANT with sexual assault and the earth is MELTING…but here are a bunch of awards for movies you probably didn’t see! YAY! Here’s a VERY cliff notes version of what you may have missed–other than a lot of scolding about how terrible we are as a human race.

-Chris Rock’s monologue was funny and succeeded in making white people feel like garbage can racists. Really could’ve used a little Michael Scott in there to ease the tension in the room.

-In efforts to speed up the longest, most boring awards show ever, the Oscars introduced the “Thank You” ticker to run onscreen as winners walked up to the stage. They hoped that by getting all the names out of the way, stars would give cool speeches that everyone can turn into powerful quote gifs, except that didn’t even a little bit happen. The show ran over by 35 minutes, everyone repeated all the names they already shouted out AIM profile style in the ticker and the speeches were DUDS.

-Stacey Dash gave everyone the uncomfies. Literally. We could see it on their faces.

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-Jared Leto suggested that I google “Merkin”, so I did. And I regretted it. #PubeWig

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-Mad Max looks scary as hell and also it won 5 awards b2b. Costume designers continue to dress like they’re going out to grab a burger. In 1995.

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-This guy killin the creepy smile/wave game and it’s essentially a mirror image of me when an attractive male looks my way.

 

-Hollywood loves Samoas just as much as they love pizza.

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-Another new addition to the awards, pop up video style facts every time someone took the stage. In theory it was informative–in reality, it became very clear which actors have never sniffed at an Oscar. Sofia Vergara’s fun fact was that she once starred in a movie with an Oscar-winner. So that’s really embarrassing.

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-Fake Suge Knight got more camera-time than J.Law. LoL to this blonde for grabbing her 15 seconds of fame though.

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-Sam Smith declared he was the first openly gay man to win an Oscar in his speech…whoops, not so fast, Sammy!

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-In probably the best bit of the night, Chris Rock trolls moviegoers in Compton. My favorite part is when Chris promises these are real movie titles and the girl replies, “Like in London and stuff?” Click here to watch.

-Jacob Tremblay finishes awards season strong as the cutest little nugget.

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Chris was gr8 in Madagascar.

-LEO WINS HIS OSCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a BOSS.

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Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2016

Awards season is OOOOOVERRRRRR. And not a minute too soon, honestly because I feel like this year’s showing has been rough city. Since I know you’re all wondering, I wore custom extra baggy sweatpants with “Cuse” written on the left leg in zebra print (REPRESENT) paired with a men’s thermal long sleeve shirt (no bra, obviously) and Saturday night’s hair–tousled to perfection (slept in.) Let’s see how the stars compared…

WORST:

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What fresh hell is this?

Mandatory Credit: Photo by David Fisher/REX/Shutterstock (5599371an) Olivia Wilde 88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America – 28 Feb 2016

At first I only saw the back and had high hopes for the front…but womp wompp the front is long pasties essentially.

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I’d be so down with this dress if it was strapless and the weird pocket swoops didn’t happen.

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Oh Jared, you cut the ombre pony and then wear this? It’s all wrong.

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Emily normally kills it but I’m not in love with this color or style on her.

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Not her best.

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Not to be confused with Oprah…a woman with a chest tat and a diamond spider on her hand.

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MEH.

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This is an Easter egg bridesmaid gown ‘splosion.

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The diamond cutout, the curtains material, the 90’s platforms–all make for worst dressed.

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This looks like something Goldie Hawn would wear in First Wives Club. (I don’t even know where that came from…don’t question it.)

BEST:

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To be honest I didn’t fall over backward for this look, as I’ve been known to do with anything Rachel wears. That sideboob though, scandal.

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Jennifer is elegant AF.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – FEBRUARY 28: Actress Kate Winslet attends the 88th Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 28, 2016 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

KATE & LEO! Giving the people what they want, walking the red carpet as Jack and Rose, if Jack didn’t die in freezing cold waters. Credit where credit is due, Kate tried something completely different here and looks like a sexbomb. Leo brings it out in her, prob.

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These two are always looking fresh and adding a baby bump to the mix didn’t change a thing.

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Julianne puts a twist on the classic black gown.

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Love the matching necklace

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Our two purple beauties B2B, Reese looks like she doesn’t age ever.

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Normally hate ruffles but you can’t deny JLaw looks like a hot piece here.

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Lady Gaga in a classy white jumpsuit, minimal jewels and makeup! Go, gurl.

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Was this the only red of the night? That’s one way to stand out. The other is to have a slit down to your belly button.

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Sarah looks probably the best I’ve ever seen her look.

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Seacrest looking sharp as ever in a grey jacket.

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This is easily my favorite man look of the night. Michael looks fresh 2 death.

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I love this color on her, wish the bottom hem wasn’t bubbled like that.

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Normally don’t go for the all-over sparkles but she looks gr8.

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Damn I wish she wore her hair down because she has perfect hair always in Quantico but this dress is the stuff.

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Eddie Redmayne doesn’t have a stylist and him and the wifey consistently look like fashionistas on the red carpet.

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Fun fact: Liev picked out this dress for Naomi and even though there’s a lot going on there I think she crushes it.

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I did a double take because I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sacha lookin this good. Isla looks fab even though it looks like she’s wearing an ocean-themed shower curtain.

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Brie looking like a dime and also forcing Ryan Seacrest to mop up his drool as he interviews her and yaps about how everything she says is SO AWESOME.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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I just really love this color. Plus she looks like a stunner.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/22/16

Happy Friday and Happy Full House day. Full disclosure, I’m on episode 4 of Fuller House (“working” from home) and it’s ROUGH. Guess they didn’t want to take my advice to bring back Tommy Page or Rusty. Spoiler alert: they did reference the “dad” song, which gave me a chuckle. The rest did not. So that really put a damper on my weekend.

1. Put Baby in the Corner, Seriously. I last reported about the Dirty Dancing remake when I learned that Abigail Breslin was cast as Baby and whined about it to the world. Welp, I’m whining even more now because they’ve cast Johnny and he’s all abs. His credits include tossing Pink around in a super dramats music video like she was a stuffed animal, and some theater things…but more importantly, his 100-pack that was shoved in my face real hard. So I say stick Baby in the corner and do a solo number with your shirt off. That’s how you get ratings. You’re welcome world.

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(Seriously, watch this video, it’s real impressive.)

2. Heeeeeeere’s BRUCEY. You know how the internet loves to do that thing where they find an actor that was pre-puberty and probably a little chubby and awkward and then show us that they’re an attractive human today? (ahem, Neville Longbottom.) Well they did just that with good ole Bruce Bogtrotter. Known for annihilating an entire chocolate cake onstage to the chants of his fellow classmates, Bruce was probably my childhood hero. In fact, I’ve pretty much lived my entire life looking just like him after I’ve finished a meal. Because you haven’t really eaten anything until you feel like you’re going to boot all over the chokey, amirite?

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ANYWHO, now for the big reveal, he’s in his thirties now and like, a normal man without a weight problem. Some might say he’s a cutie. (Can’t say the same for Matilda these days…)

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3. Demi’s got pipes. 

I get the feeling that Demi takes a lot of hate for getting her start on Disney and then quickly spiraling into a coke-fueled rehab sitch, but I’m here to point out that there’s really no need to hate Demi because she’s got a voice like whoa. She proves it a lot but I feel like there’s no better proof than when she rips a little Xtina impression and brings us all to church. Plus, anyone who can perfect a Fetty Wap impersonation is good in my book.

4. Baewatch. Baywatch has begun filming and Zac Efron is in it. Need I say more?

5. Two Ellens for the price of one.

Ellen doesn’t properly get made fun of because she has ruled daytime television ever since Oprah retired to do a bunch of Weight Watchers commercials about how much she loves bread. Thanks to Kate McKinnon and her obnoxious “I’m Ellen” sketch, we get to see someone poke fun at Ellen on her own show. Although, how hard is it really to two step and snap every day at 4pm?

AND THAT’S THE JUice. Right, Robert?

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Music, Playlist

Lady Jams Playlist

ladyjam

This is one of those collections of songs that could possibly be embarrassing to jam to, and are also mostly one-hit wonders…but most importantly, when the CD-R was invented, you bet your bottom dollar these were some of the first songs I burned to a mix, tossed into my karaoke player and bumped. One thing they all have in common is that they’re lady singers. So pour a glass of pinot grig, put on your yoga pants and feel all the feels with this gurl pop throwback playlist. #BOYSSTINK

1. I Wanna Be Bad- Willa Ford. I always believe in starting off a mix with a hard bang and I think we can all agree Willa Ford, certified badgurl does just that. Never to be heard from again after the TRL days, I’m assuming good ole Willa and her boy Royce did some jail time cause they’re BaD 2 tha BONE. PS my sister had a friend who claimed Willa Ford was her babysitter and used to steal blueberries from their fridge. #BadGirlLyfe

2. Everything- M2M. These two hail from Norway and America welcomed them with wide open arms. Their jams were so hot one of them even ended up in a Pokemon movie. This particular number was performed on Dawson’s Creek’s spring break episode. If it’s good enough for Pacey, it’s good enough for me.

3. Stuck- Stacie Orrico. Oh how I miss Stacy with an “ie”. This was a sassy boy troubles song and to be honest I don’t think our girl Stace ever came out with anything else. Go out on top, that’s what I always like to say. Correction: She also sang “There’s Gotta Be More To Life” which is also a top hit. 

4. All the Things She Said- t.A.T.u. I guess we were all SUPER diverse with our music duos in the 2000’s because this is a Russian group—I had to look that up because all I remembered about terribly named t.A.T.u was that they were lesbians. Not even sure if that’s a rumor…but they did smooch in the video which was REAL scandalous.

5. Breathe (2 AM)- Anna Nalick. If you didn’t memorize every single word to this song when it came out I don’t want to know you as a person. It’s kind of a downer, but I couldn’t make an all girl tribute from the 2000’s and not include Anna. So this will be the part of the playlist where you think about what you’ve done, and JUST BREATHE. PS immature Julia laughed at “naked in front of the crowd” every time. Sorry not sorry.

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6. 4ever- The Veronicas. The Veronicas were a couple of BA’s. Realistically I don’t know anything about them but both of their hits banged real hard. In fact, I still use the intro to “Untouched” as an alarm sometimes when I want to wake up terrified and disoriented. As you might recall, this number scored the infamous carnival scene from She’s the Man where Amanda Bynes switches from girl to boy faster than you can pull popcorn out of your cleavage.

7. Gotta Tell You- Samantha Mumba. Samantha is Irish?! I tell ya, learn something new everyday. Anyway, Gotta Tell You is a great dance number if say, you wanted to invite 10 of your closest gal pals over for a slumber and choreograph an intricate dance like you’re all Wade Robson.

8. Rush- Aly&AJ. Wouldn’t be a Salty Ju mix unless I snuck a little Disney love into play. Were they pretty queer in their DCOM’s? Obviously. But is this song a hot rock number for two Disney blondes? Absolutely.

9. Ordinary Day- Vanessa Carlton. Threw you a curveball here. Everyone and their mother knows that A Thousand Miles is the anthem of the 2000’s. I decided to switch it up with an underdog from our favorite piano-playin gal. She sings about falling in love in a dream or something? Who cares when you’re wailing at the top of your lungs in a solo car concert with Ness. If only I also had a piano in my car…

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10. Take Me Away- FeFe Dobson. In my 13th year, I went through a really hardcore punk phase. It was the days of Ashlee Simpson and Avril and FeFe. Feef’s was my girl because she wore wife-beaters and studded belts and rocked hard. I purchased her CD with my hard-earned money and I’m not ashamed to admit I unearthed it recently and remembered every word. She even has a creepy song called Julia, so we’re basically BFFs.

11. What Do You Do- The Troys. This probably also could’ve gone on my 8th grade angst playlist but I forgot about these bada$$e$ so here we are.

12. Love Song- Sara Bareilles. Sara is still crushing it present day, but no one will ever forget her debut piano jam that set a precedent for independent woman all ova! Also this is another ideal song for exercising your vocal range at a slower pace.

13. Dumb Girls- Lucy Woodward. A catchy one-hit wonder for Lucy also happens to be REAL cheesy. At least she tries to be a rebel with, “I look at the ground and give the sky the middle finger.” YEAH YOU FLICK THAT SKY OFF.

14. It’s About Time- Lillix. I actually forgot about Lillix for a minute until last weekend when my sister’s ipod shuffle brought it back (among The Click Five…yikes) but I’m glad they came back into my life just before I made this playlist. Pretty sure I had their CD too, because I had an eclectic taste in music, obviously.

15. Everywhere- Michelle Branch. The millennium didn’t have music if it wasn’t for the dynamic duo of Michelle and Vanessa. Their piano-slammin hits about boys completed me. Michelle had a leg up over Vanessa with weird pronunciations of words though so I’d like to thank her for the pure joy I get from singing “turn it inside out so I can seee-UH.”

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16. Why Not- Hilary Duff. Heard this classic at a pre-game a couple weeks ago and had the unfortunate realization that I once thought it was VERY cool to put the lyric “You always dress in yellow, when you wanna dress in GOLD” in my AIM profile and highlight the font in yellow. Yikes, Julia. Regardless of how stupid the lyrics are to this song, it’s still a classic. How else would you know how to get to heaven… or even to L.A.?

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17. Somebody- Bonnie McKee. One last mellow cry before we end this mix with a bang. Apparently Bonnie is making dance pop hits now but let’s never forget the time when she was wah-wahing about how single she was. At my very first parent-less concert (Ryan Cabrera), she opened and I got to meet her. Pretty sure I was the asshole who was like I don’t even know this chick and thus I don’t care but what a great ballad this is for crying into your wine. Just me? Nevermind.

18. Leave (Get Out)- JoJo. Not only does this song slay but it has a message, and that message is LEAVE because my mix is over and our time together is done. No seriously, GET OUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!! PS how impressive is it that a thirteen year old wailed that note?

GETOUT

 

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