Author Archives: Thesaltyju

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/7/2020

1. The Year of Taylor.

I mean, I’m not just going to sit back and not yap my face off about Taylor coming in from the CLOUDS and dropping another whole ass album in our laps not even six months after surprising us with folklore. WHAT A MOVE and to get it in RIGHT before the buzzer at the end of the year. Wild. Obviously I was in a tailspin yesterday as I discovered the news and not to brag but I did have my hair in braids at the time so there’s obviously no further proof needed that I was ready for more woodsy in your feels songs. I’m still not over folklore, I still play it several times a week. Spotify gently reminded me how much I’ve played it over the past few months with my year end wrapped…I’m surprised it wasn’t followed up with an email from them asking if I’ll be ok. To which I would say, No I obviously will not. BECAUSE NOW WE’RE GETTING AN ENTIRE OTHER SOBFEST. I also love that Taylor tried to disguise it as a birthday present to us all.

Hey everyone, thanks for buying all of my overpriced merch and going out of your way to get my folklore cd that took an entire month to ship because of covid or whatever, I’d like to give you the birthday present of buying more of my overpriced merch and again going out of your way to buy a cd that may never arrive. If you do, you’ll be rewarded with bonus tracks that you can’t hear anywhere else. SUCHHHHHHH a boss move to be like it’s a gift, cough up your money tho. And you know what, I think I’ll stick to Spotify free listening this time around until I can buy a moderately priced physical cd in person at Target. If I may borrow a song title off of evermore, ‘Tis the Damn Season for me to be broke as a joke buying holiday gifts. HOWEVER should anyone want to gift me with literally anything from the Taylor Swift store, I welcome it with open arms. Anyway, back to the big debut. Obviously I now have my weekend work cut out for me as I’ll need to recap a track by track, which I’ll be publishing on Monday if all goes well. But I did want to at least give you my instant thoughts about the Willow music video, which I stayed up past my bedtime to watch. I also may have been a wee bit overserved, but here we go.

My raw, unadulterated thoughts (remember I watched it AT midnight after a wine and pasta filled evening.):

Starts with that G-D cardigan and a magic piano transforming her into a magical forest. I WANT THAT CARDIGAN. (still obviously holding onto a lot of resentment for all of the influencers and famous friends who were sent cardigans and my mailbox didn’t see a whisper.) WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY WATCHING KIDS.

(I literally started a new paragraph because after being outraged by kids I wanted to move onto the bigger topic at hand) She is literally in a one room school house. Please come back to 2020, Taylor. The 1800’s don’t want you or those bangs. I honestly couldn’t even focus on Willow as a song because I couldn’t get past Taylor as an early English settler creating witch hexes with the original Sanderson Sisters. Let’s relax on fully embracing the fairy in the woods vibe for one hot second, plz. Also the bangs have to go. Double also, that last shot of her in that dress, she IS Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. We’ve gone too far. Way too far. I mean, spot the difference. You can’t.

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So that’s where we’re at. Stay tuned to see my thoughts on the whole damn thing come next week. In the meantime, refresh yourself with Folklore in preparation.

2. Open Book, TV Style.

For avid readers of The Salty Ju, you’ll know that I was a hardcore Nick & Jessica should reunite believer RIGHT UP UNTIL I read her memoir Open Book this year and then re-watched Newlyweds from Jess’s perspective and saw that Nick pretty much hated her stinkin guts and was constantly a dick to her. What I once thought was an adorable teen popstar relashe unfolding on MTV full of healthy jabs was actually toxic as hell. Eye opening moment for me in pop culture history. I loved all the juicy goss she dished in her book of BTS deets of each of her very public relationships and to hear that they’re extending this book into a TV show is music to my ears. And even better, it’s on a paid service that I will not have to sign up for in order to watch (lookin’ at you peacock tv for forcing my sister and I to do a free trial just to watch the trainwreck Saved by the Bell reboot.) I’m fully team Jess and I support her return to the entertainment industry especially because she’s coming back with her story and not hawking a dating show where people get married without ever seeing each other. I’m of course referring to dirt Nick Lachey, OBVIOUSLY. (Only people who watched Love is Blind will get that diss and I’m ok with it.)

3. OH NO KHRISTMAS IS KANCELLED.

Breaking news this week, that I read aloud to my friends in my best Khloe Kardashian voice when I saw the headline. Khristmas is Kancelled due to COVID and it’s the first time SINCE 1978. HOW WILL WE EVEN SURVIVE?! Honestly I was reeling from the news. Life just is NOT fair, ya know? And then I remembered that this family who is HEROICALLY cancelling their biggest attention-grabbing event of the year, also are telling us that taking this pandemic seriously IS A MUST. And honestly, we need to listen to them, y’all. No more flying all of your closest friends and family out to an island for a lavish weekend for your 40th birthday. It’s time to REALLY buckle down and PUT OUR HEALTH AND SAFETY FIRST. The Kardashians are a voice of reason and I’m just honestly so in awe of their bravery and leadership. Also, remember when they cancelled their reality show on E? Yeah they’ll be back up with a deal on Hulu in 2021. So let’s all keep our fingers krossed that we won’t miss ONE second of their lives. Prayer hands. Kiss Face. Eye Roll.

4. But I come back stronger than a 90’s trend.

Britney Spears (#FreeBritney) and Backstreet Boys dropped their first ever collaboration in 2020. Cause why the hell not at this point? What I’d like to see is Justin Timberlake’s reaction to this. HE MUST BE ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE. Oh, he’s still alive? WHERE HAS HE BEEN WITH THE NEW MUSIC THEN? Like, Man of the Woods was a lifetime ago. I don’t care if you’re a new dad, Britney and BSB are collaborating in lockdown–with Britney quite possibly being still controlled by her dad as a grown ass adult and Taylor Swift just dropped back to back records like she’s 2005 Nelly dropping Sweat and Suit on TRL. Jus sayin. Get your shit together, JT. Anyway, back to this unholy collab because honestly what a slap in the face to N*SYNC who Britney was smoochin with in the 90’s, literally and musically. This song kinda sucks but for nostalgia sake, I’m down with it.

5. I still L-O-V-E a good music video.

Dierks tossed this video out this week. I already loved the song and then I saw that he played all these different pop culture roles as part of the video and I settled in to watch. I was over at a friend’s house this week and we showed her sister the WAP video because she’s never seen it and rite of passage obviously to let your eyes bleed out to that catastrophe, which then spiraled into us just sitting there watching music videos on Youtube like I was a senior in high school again and it was a Friday night. I know, I was UNBELIEVABLY cool and popular. Either way, we all talked about how we’ve always enjoyed watching music videos even though it’s very much not a beloved thing anymore. Kinda like owning DVD’s. We old. And I still love the art of a good music video, which is why I’ve highlighted two this week. One that I shit on and one that I like. I’m into the idea here and obviously you know that any music video with references to Full House–the classic, not that bubblegum trash they trotted out on Netflix recently–is a W in my book. Well done, Dierks.

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Salty Stories

The DMV Did Me Dirty

Here’s the deal, I’ve got a real hot streak of GLAMOUR shots on my driver’s license and I’m not ready or willing to give that self-imposed title up just yet. (My passport photos are another story, anyone except Taylor Swift who knows how to closed mouth smile and NOT look like a serial killer, get @ me with some tips.) These are supposed to be my peak years and I’m RAPIDLY approaching the swift drop on that rollercoaster, so I really need to capture it when I can. On my driver’s license is really the best way to do so. It’s a government issued document and one that I’ll have to show to a stranger every single time I enter a bar or order an adult bevvy. That’s a lot of eyes on one pic, and I say that knowing that I’ve never gotten more than 15 likes on anything I’ve ever posted on social media. ID PHOTOS ARE ALL I HAVE ANYMORE. I never thought this day would come. 

On my 16th birthday, I took my driver’s test—told no one I was taking it so I didn’t have to tell them if I failed (old hockey trick)—and looked like a youthful babe soda in my very first license photo. I had a pre-summer tan, styled hair and an adorable teal dress. All of which could be seen as it was proportionately distanced and sized. In fact, anytime a friend, foe or stranger brought up their dreadful license photo, I paraded that shit around for all to see. Oh you look like you just drowned your kids in a bathtub in your photo? I look like a beauty queen, READ IT AND WEEP BITCHES!

It might be suggested that I annoyed everyone with how much I worked my ID into a conversation. I almost didn’t want to get a fake ID in college for fear of having a fake hideous photo. Fortunately, my sister provided my “fake” and she also takes a great pic. When I turned 21, I did everything in my power to keep my original photo. Unfortunately I was met with much frustration and eye rolls at the dear ole DMV. I took a shitty temp pic until I could get myself home to where my mom had recently become employed at the DMV and promised a full photoshoot to get the right headshot. I cannot stress this enough, I recommend everyone has a relative working at the DMV. Not only did I not have to wait in line and suffer years of my life in that soul-sucking place but I literally got to treat my license photo like a JCPenney portrait shoot minus the kickass 90’s backdrops. Plus my mom knows all of my best angles and I got as many reshoots as I demanded. Another stellar ID was created. Note the carefully curated white lace tank to once again, pop that bronze glow. (PRO tip.)

And now here we are in my 29th year, license expired. Thanks to COVID, I was able to push that renewal back for a solid 5 months before I could go into the DMV again safely. And you better BELIEVE I planned on preparing for this appointment with a full blowout and face of makeup after months of being a loungewear shut-in. Unfortunately for all involved, when the day arrived, I had a friend in town and poorly planned our morning. Eager to fit a scenic 14 mile bike ride in and soak up the sun before my appointment, I let the morning get away from me and all of a sudden I had 15 minutes to shower, dry my hair, put on makeup, curl my hair and pick out the perfect outfit to enhance my summer tan. On the 30 minute drive back to my house (in the opposite direction of the DMV) I began to panic that I would become * insert tone of absolute disgust here*: an UGLY ID holder. And not just like casual caught off guard for a pic ugly…unshowered, hair pulled up under a hat, just sweat my ass off in a high speed bike ride to try and make up for my poor time management, no makeup, in a tee with visible pit stains kind of UGLY. I wondered how horrible it would be to cancel my appointment. Or just commit to it and then immediately change my photo at a later date. All of these options were either incredibly inconvenient or more expensive. This is when I really had to look inward and have a stern talk with myself about what was important here. How I look in a photograph that’s the size of a stamp or keeping an appointment it took me a month to get for the renewal of my driver’s license that had been expired for almost half a year now. The answer was my looks and that is the most obvious thing on this earth. Having been born with naturally curly hair that I let air-dry, I cannot allow myself to be photographed within a few hours of my daily shower or I’ll look like ole ramen-head ass Justin Timberlake that immediately turned into a meme because of HOW BAD IT LOOKED. So it’s not even like I could trim time off of my prep by leaving my locks au naturel. 

I arrived home and I’ve never gotten ready faster in my entire life. And you know what? I looked like a 10. From the front. I never dried my hair in the back. Too time consuming and the back of my head will never be featured on an ID. I selected a teal dress to accentuate the new race I had become from 4 straight months of baking in the sun and even tossed on my custom-made Salty Ju jean jacket on top of that for clout. All of my fans and supporters (my sister and my friend) applauded my Herculean effort to transform myself into a top model in 15 minutes flat. I expected paparazzi to be hiding in the bushes when I exited my house, shoveling peanut butter crackers in my cracker hole because I skipped lunch in favor of my looks. I got to the DMV with two minutes to spare and ready to do the cover of Vogue, should Rosie at counter 8 impromptu ask me to. We got the long-awaited photo out of the way first and when I tell you it was horrific, that is an understatement. It turns out, no matter how GREAT I look (or dress…my outfit didn’t even graze the photo), if you close crop my head in the square, there is REALLY no positive way to spin that. Rosie snapped away and showed me the pic for review where my jaw resided on the ground. I didn’t think it was possible to look like the poster child for my 600 lb life and yet a super zoom WILL DO THAT. My chins were abundant and falling out of frame as the square went from my forehead to my first chin, also giving me a buzz cut in the process–so much for drying and curling my precious locks. That was a proportion that Rosie felt comfortable with and to be honest I would’ve asked for a reshoot, but I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to and it looked like the camera setup would be permanently unforgiving. I had just carefully curated a look and an outfit for a MEGAHEAD PHOTO THAT I’LL BE STUCK WITH FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS. But don’t worry, the guy at counter 10 who processed my renewal told me it’s a great photo and he doesn’t just tell everyone that. He also complimented my nail polish so obviously he was just trying to bang me. My perfect ID photo streak has come to an abrupt and aggressive end and I will forever curse this stupid day. Ten years from now, I’m bringing my own photographer.

And as if NY State wasn’t cruel enough, they double up on your mug, hologram style. So that Salty Ju Megahead can also float in space on the right side of my ID reminding me to invest in a neckline slimmer.

***Important February 2022 Addendum***: We’ve got a real good news, bad news sitch here. The good news is I wasn’t stuck with the fat face photo for 10 years. The bad news is what I have now is INFINITELY worse. A mere two years later and a move to a new state found me repeating this horrific process all over again. To put it simply, over my dead body did I want to get a New Jersey license and registration but Toyota narc’ed on me when they found out where I was living and I was on borrowed time for inevitably getting pulled over for having NY plates and daring to enter the left lane on the parkway. So I begrudgingly made my DMV appointment knowing for sure that the crowd would be a lot rougher in the Dirty Jerze than it was previously in E.Bumfuck Cicero, NY. And yet, ever the hopeful buzzing bee, I still felt like I was going to nail it this time. I arrived a half hour early for my appointment (scheduled 2 months in advance) armed with a folder overflowing with the required documentation and then some and decked out in full glam. From my leopard headband (so Jersey it hurts) to my coordinated sparkly eyeshadow, perfect mermaid waves and a mauve sweatshirt that complimented my olive skin tone.–Obviously I’m really pushing it here, it’s the dead of winter and I was going in for a license photo and already horrified that my alabaster skin was going to be sealed onto my ID forever so yes I did use as much bronzer as one could without looking like Snooki circa 2010. When your girl’s down bad, sometimes all it takes is a face of makeup and bomb hair to lift the spirits and if it ends up resulting in the best photo I’ve ever taken then it’s a win for all.

Shocking to no one: It…most certainly…did not go that way. After immediately being denied for switching my registration over because I have a lease (and was ill-informed by the website about what was needed, thus opening a whole can of worms that I’m still dealing with so 10/10 do not recommend ever moving from NY to NJ) I had a real bad taste in my mouth for how this license photo was about to go. I stood in front of the human equivalent of Roz from Monsters Inc. as she squared away my paper work when she finally told me to take a step back for the photo. I fluffed my hair, took off my jacket and my mask and assumed the position like any model would, with a slight head tilt and a wide open smile. She hit me with, “you can have a slight smile but you can’t show teeth.” I was so outraged that I borderline hysterically squeaked back “NO TEETH?! Are you SERIOUS?!” What I really should’ve said was, “That is a mugshot, ma’am.” And honestly, please explain to me how showing that you have a nice set of white chiclets alters the effectiveness of an ID. If anything it should help my cause if I’m ever pulled over. The cop can immediately assume I’ve invested in braces and/or regular dental visits and therefore I’m probably a pretty upstanding citizen who will pay whatever bogus ticket they throw at me to meet their monthly quota. Same with passports…if anything I look MORE like a terrorist without teeth so what gives with this dumbass rule?

Either way, the rule stands and as I mean mugged the camera and Roz asked me if I approved of my photo, I looked her dead in the eye and said, “it’s disgusting but I’m not a no-teeth smile kinda girl so it is what it is.” This is when Roz decided to have a bit of compassion (not sure why) and goes no, no, let’s retake it. I really didn’t want to. The stage was set. I’m not Tyra Banks smizing up a storm. I have not and will never perfect the art of the closed mouth smile like my sister and Taylor Swift have so effortlessly done. I’ll always either look pissed, stoned or be smirking like I have a secret. But I appeased Roz and took a step back for round 2. This time I was on the verge of tears and just wanted to get out of this seventh circle of hell. As you might’ve already assumed, the second photo was even worse than the first. And that’s what we ended up with. Roz’s grizzly smokes a pack a day “Welcome to New Jersey” as she handed me my paper license and sent me on my way could’ve been accompanied by the Jersey salute and it would’ve been appropriate for how this big life change is going for me so far. Here I am pictured below, with proper lighting and portrait mode (after I sobbed in my car on the way home, I might add) just to show you what DMV employees with an influencer start-up kit could accomplish if they even cared…or allowed genuine smiles.

And now for the big reveal…the new license photo I’ve been cursed with, which conveniently arrived on Valentine’s day to remind me that not only am I single, but I am also hideous.

If this photo doesn’t scream don’t mess with the Jersey Ju or she’ll take her gold hoops out and rough you up, I don’t know what does. Welcome to New Jersey, indeed.

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Playlist

Holly Jolly Bops

I was going through the ole archives to dig up all of my Christmas-related content for some seasonal re-posting. Not only did I find that I’ve watched and written about FAR too many Hallmark movies, but I’ve only made one Christmas music playlist and you know what? That’s just not enough. We have a very short window to enjoy this joyful tuneage and really make the most of it so I thought it was about time I gave you another collection of festive songs. I’m all about the holiday cheer this year. I think just like everyone else, spreading Christmas Joy is vital for survival right now. Like if I hadn’t gone out and gotten a Christmas tree and decked my MF’ing halls I would’ve literally dropped dead of soul-crushing winter is coming and life is still terrible depression. But NOT TODAY FOLKS! Today we listen to these jingles and Christmas dance our faces off.

1. Underneath The Tree – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson had a Christmas album that was SNEAKY full of bangers. Unfortunately it was very obvious that she was inspired by her husband–see the song literally called “Winter Dreams (Brandon’s Song)” so now it feels sad to listen to because RIP to her marriage. I guess Christmas is back to being cold and grey for K.Clark. Hopefully she gets some new man candy underneath her tree this year. IF that’s what she wants, of course.

2. Like It’s Christmas – Jonas Brothers. You’ll notice that the theme of this playlist is modern Christmas – original tune style. After listening to N*SYNC’s Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Mariah Carey’s Christmas anthem on repeat for 20 years, I decided it might be time for a switch up and started to branch out in the Christmas music game. For those of you who are more into the classics, don’t get your undies in a wad, I sprinkle some of those in too. The key thing I wanted for this playlist was to have BOPS only. Cause we all need a Christmas dance party this year. Anyway, the JoBros’ put out a real snoozer of a Christmas song this year so I rewound to their comeback cause they knocked it out of the park with this snappy beat.

3. Baby! It’s Christmas – Jessie James Decker. Fun story time! When I lived in Boston for a hot second, Jessie had just released this album and was performing at the tree lighting and doing a meet & greet in the Macy’s beforehand. As someone who has drooled over JJD since she made her reality TV debut with her hunk of a husband, I knew that I needed to be present for this Christmas kickoff to make living in that dumb city worthwhile. Another fun fact about Boston, I had 0.0 friends there. So that’s how I found myself taking the T for an hour from Brighton into Downtown Crossing, where I was immediately hit with CROWDS of people standing outside of Macy’s. And then when I snaked my way into the store, I saw that there was a line waiting to meet Jessie that went through the bottom floor and up the escalator to other levels. So instead I went back outside and took this picture when they lit the tree and listened to her sing this song live (never once laying eyes on her) and jammed out by myself like the big celebrity-obsessed wiener that I am.

4. Glow – Brett Eldredge. Brett released his own Christmas album a couple of years ago and I gotta say he really gave Bubbles a run for his money with the ‘I’m wearing a velvet smoking jacket and singing brat pack style in front of a crackling fire’ sort of thing. This is probably the slowest song on the playlist but I still think it has a jazzy fun quality to it.

5. Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town – Bruce Springsteen. Besides the fact that it’s the Boss and this is a Christmas staple, let’s focus on Bruce’s yip yapping in this one. Nothing says Christmas more than Bruce shouting over a cacophony of bells HEY DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? OH, IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME. Ya damn right it is, Bruiser. I need to know if Clarence has been practicing real hard so Santa will bring him a new saxophone. And I need to hear Bruce scold a bunch of strangers for not being good that year. Then Christmas can begin.

6. Take Me Home For Christmas – Dan + Shay. This was a new release this year and I was grooving and getting into the spirit weeks ago. It ALMOST made me break my don’t listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving self-imposed rule. But I held out. And it was WORTH it.

7. Christmas Tree Farm – Taylor Swift. I have to keep it real and let everyone know that Taylor’s previous attempts at Christmas music were ROUGH. In fact I distinctly remember my dad angrily telling me to “turn this shit off” one time when her Silent Night cover came on. He was pretty fired up that she changed the entire song. And that’s anger directed at Tay for good reason. It was a no bueno cover. She finally got it right last year though. All it took was for her to go back to her PA roots and show us some adorable home videos. This song makes me want to twirl endlessly amongst a bunch of Douglas Firs.

8. The More You Give (The More You’ll Have) – Michael Bublé. Bubbles is Christmas and Christmas is Bubbles. I could’ve picked 15 TRILLION of his songs to bring da holiday noise and da funk, but I went with this one because I had never heard it until today and I got excited about discovering a new jam. When that horn section kicked up it was GAME ON! He even tossed a “Woo!” into the mix. Give it to me, Bubz.

9. Carol of the Bells – Pentatonix. I follow Scott Hoying of Pentatonix on TikTok and when November hit he was like IT’S PENTATONIX SEASON and suddenly their official account was popping oooooffff. I love that their angel acappella voices have become synonymous with the holidays. This is easily my favorite song that they do even though they’ve probably covered them all at this point and have originals as well. I literally don’t have anything else to say about it because I’m currently listening and mesmerized by all of their voices doing all of the things.

10. Bring Me Love – John Legend. This seemed surprising for crooner John Legend to have a snappy Christmas jam but I certainly don’t hate it. Also I don’t know what it says about us as a society (consumed by Hallmark movies) but it is VERY common for people to ask Santa for love apparently. Seems like it’s kind of above St. Nick’s pay grade to get you a life partner but hey sign me up. I’ve also been good this year.

11. I’ll Be Your Santa Tonight – Keith Urban. I will be the first to admit this is a REAL creepy title and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to give it a chance but my trusted advisor tipped me off to this one. It’s not as fast as the others but it builds momentum and it’s highly entertaining. Why, you ask? Oh, because Keith made sure to put the most sexual innuendos in here and now we all know that him and Nic role play as Santa and Mrs. Clause. You’re welcome, world.

12. Run Run Rudolph – Train. I wanted one solid rock out with your candy cane out song on here and that electric guitar riff introducing a song about reindeer really did it for me. Makes me wanna put on my shades and slide around in my neon patterned shorts like nobody’s biz. (Yes, I am watching the Saved by the Bell reboot, no it’s not worth downloading Peacock for.)

13. Christmas, C’Mon – Lindsey Stirling & Becky G. I used to be SUUUUUPER into Yellowcard just because they had a violin and I thought that was cool as hell. Their violinist also happened to do backflips during their concerts so that really upped his street cred. Either way, I’ve got a thing for violins in unexpected places and I couldn’t tell you who Becky G is but Lindsey Stirling makes every song she’s on better. Feel free to drop a little dramatic air violin in on this one. Just me? K, whatevs.

14. Christmas in the Country – Thomas Rhett. I love TR and tuned into the country Christmas special this year just to pretend him and Lauren are close personal friends of mine. Unfortunately it was a LITTLE too scripted for my taste, but I sure do dig a country twang spin on holiday szn.

15. Under The Mistletoe – Kelly Clarkson & Brett Eldredge. DOUBLE DIPPIN, Y’ALL. Kelly and Brett have so many great songs but then ALSO dropped this duet this year and yes please! It’s the collab I never knew I needed. Also, it’s about making out *and stuff* WINK, WINK. I mean for real, this is an actual lyric: “I wanna spend my nights so hard / How much I want you” SANTA, BRING THESE TWO TO BONE TOWN ALREADY, GAWD.

16. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – Lady A. Another classic tune about begging not to be alone on Christmas. I’m partial to The Eagles version but that was toeing the line of too depressing so after conferring with my Christmas music advisor, we selected this surprisingly upbeat version (even though I’ve shit on Lady A a lot this year for being tone deaf b-holes.) At least they crushed this.

17. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree – Hanson. I tried my best not to have any repeats from the original Christmas playlist I made because I wanted to keep it fresh with some newbies but honestly no one rocks around the Christmas tree as hard as Hanson. I put two of their songs on my OG playlist because that’s just how much I was a Hanson stan but truly this is my favorite version. Miss those shaggy haired mormons.

18. Baby It’s Cold Outside – Idina Menzel & Michael Bublé. I included this classic on my last playlist–Nick & Jessica style, but I’ve finally stopped wishing for them to get back together. Time to move on (her book told me to.) I like to include this song on all Christmas cheer jamfests because it’s gotten QUITE a bad rep in the past few years. Does this song sound like a rape sitch to you? The answer is an obvious no. Idina couldn’t be flirtier. Girl wants to stay. So let’s cut the shit with ruining this song–ok, everyone?! They’re both consenting adults who are just talk-singing about having an adult sleepover. LET IT HAPPEN. Also if I was on this duet with the Bubster, I would need no convincing. Just putting that out into the universe. Manifesting for 2021, if you will.

19. Winter Wonderland/Here Comes Santa Clause – Snoop Dogg & Anna Kendrick. Gotta be honest this one I kinda pulled out of my ass. I was like what’s a fun song I could toss in? And then remembered Becca (Anna Kendrick) trying to be a legit music producer in Pitch Perfect 2 and her boss being like you just make mashups and you’re never going anywhere. ZING. But she did create this magical Snoop Dogg Christmas song. And for that we are all #blessed. Take it away Snoop D-O-DOUBLE G. Give us that Christmas flow, yo.

20. Lit This Year – Florida Georgia Line. Ending on a high with FGL’s latest drinking song, HOLIDAY STYLE. They performed this on TR’s Christmas special and I started giggling like OF COURSE these two bozos made an original song about getting sauced at Christmas, and then to my own horror, I started two steppin as I was hanging ornaments on the tree. So give it a chance, IT’S CATCHY! Also, I may have taken it a scooch too literally as I got lit and proceeded to conduct a Christmas Card photoshoot solo dolo. Stay tuned near your mailbox to find out if you were a chosen one on the receiving end of my special card.

AND in case you missed it or it was blocked because Facebook and Instagram are a bunch of tightwads when it comes to using other people’s music, here’s my pride and joy this year…my first real tree! I have finally exited the Grinch regime that was my former apartment complex where for 3 years I was forced to have a tiny sad fake tree and lemme tell you, I upgraded Christmas this year HOARD. Merry Christmas from my home to yours (literally)!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/23/2020

 

1. Clifford the Big Red NIGHTMARE.

As if everything isn’t terrible enough, Paramount lays THIS SHIT ON US?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I’ll say this until I’m underground NOT EVERYTHING CARTOON WORKS AS LIVE ACTION (insert clap emojis between each word, obv.) Cartoons are adorable and in this case nostalgic. As I write this right now, I’m watching a Mickey Mouse Christmas movie with my niece, who has blessed me with a spontaneous snuggle this morning. Would I EVER want to watch a literal dirty little mouse crawl around and yap about Christmas and Santa? No, that would be disgusting, mice are meant to live in the forest where I pretend they don’t exist and if they ever come near me I’ll kill them. (I’ll run away screaming and get someone else to kill them.) This is why Mickey Mouse and the gang are great. They’re adorable and they have silly voices AND THEY DON’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE. Is there a dog that is bright red and giant-sized in real life? No there is not because that dog would immediately be shot for being a terrifying mutation monster that could kill us all if we pissed him off. I mean look at this thing.

Even the red looks ridiculous. Has this giant dog been rolling in the blood of all the people it has trampled? This is a HORROR MOVIE. Paramount would be wise to pretend this never happened and go back to the drawing boards on this one. I’d love a Pixar-type Clifford. I can get down with an updated animated Clifford but this? This is a hard no for me. And to everyone who thinks live versions of every childhood classic are necessary–knock it off. Stop ruining our lives. To cleanse your palette, here’s a picture of an adorable normal-sized dog with natural coloring frolicking in real life snow with a wet schnoodle. Let it erase real life Clifford from your mind’s eye.

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2. JLO. WHOA.

Most people are embarrassed when a nude is leaked and try to hide it or deny it, not JLo though. The Queen of all Queens was like hey I’ve got a new single, check out my rockin hot bod IN THE BUFF. And honestly? Yes, ok. I could stare at this photo until the end of time and constantly find something new to drool over. I mean, Holy Christmas. The muscle alone is enough to make me up my at-home YouTube workouts. Maybe tomorrow morning I’ll do more than a 10 minute stretch sesh that I’m sore from for 3 days after. Also, gentle reminder to anyone who might’ve forgotten: JLo is FIFTY ONE YEARS OLD. Ok, now that we’ve established that, and the fact that I don’t even care what this song sounds like because nothing will top this cover art, I DO have a little bone to pick (not to be confused with a boner, which I’m sure this photo stirred up in males & females alike.) Although I love when my girl JLo texts me–probably a little too much–I feel like I could use a little warning before I get an unsolicited nude. I really have to be in the right mindset to receive a naked pic of someone and that includes this babe soda. The last time JLo texted me was July 26th about her own birthday. That in itself is a little self-serving, but whatever, every girl should have the right to demand a HBD text. But that was 5 months ago. We’ve had a 5 month hiatus from “Hi Baby” texts and then you lay this nudity on me? KINDA JARRING. At least be like “Hi Baby, I’m about to send you a nude, so get READY!” Instead of just going full force after several months of radio silence. Idk, just a tip from one marketing professional to another. Take it or leave it. Also I felt like I was really in the trust tree there because I was the “first to see the cover” and then five minutes later it was blasted all over social. I feel cheap, bb.

3. The Grammys Are Corrupt, Apparently.

Nominations for the Grammys came out this week as well as the host announcement–Trevor Noah because obviously we need more politics tied into awards shows. It seems like not everyone is pleased. In particular, the Weeknd who I just yapped about a couple weeks ago for buying the Super Bowl halftime show. Apparently he can’t buy a Grammy, ZING. But seriously, apparently the Grammys have always been kind of a shitshow but they really didn’t do a great job of covering that up this year. Beyonce didn’t drop an album, she did a Lion King song and I guess hopped on someone else’s track and yet she’s walking away with the most noms. Something doesn’t add up here. So The Weeknd, who was slated to perform at the awards didn’t receive any noms, and therefore he’s like I’m OUT.

Peace out, homeslice! If anyone cares the rest of the nominations are HERE, if you’re like me you’ll either not recognize the songs or recognize them from TikTok dances. #OldPeopleProbs. The awards are airing January 31st and great news my family had enough about reading my no cable sob stories for red carpets and I’ll be getting a hand-me-down antenna this weekend so I can hook the ole bunny ears up just in time for awards szn.

4. Boycott Chapelle Show.

I expect 0% of my readers to watch this 18 min video of Dave Chapelle but it’s there as a reference if you’d like it. Otherwise, here’s the poop: Dave Chapelle was young and broke and signed a deal with Comedy Central for The Chapelle Show. It was a lame deal and he didn’t know any better and the network probs took advantage of the fact that he was poor and didn’t know how Hollywood worked. He realized that after a couple seasons of his show and peaced out, breaking his contract. Since he broke his contract, he doesn’t own his show or make any money off of it. Now streaming services have added his show into the mix and he’s mad that he doesn’t see any money from his body of work. He talked to Netflix and they took it down because they have a working relationship with Dave that I’m sure they don’t want to ruin. He talked to HBOMax and they were like nah, we good. So now Dave is asking his fans to boycott watching his own show until he starts making money off of it. So basically, this is EXACTLY what happened to Taylor Swift minus a doucheroni named Scooter. Here’s the deal, don’t sign a contract that hasn’t been vetted by a lawyer and also don’t get mad if you breach that contract and screw yourself over. HOWEVER, every creator should have the right to their own shit. Whether they buy that back later on in life when they’ve made the dough or they cut a new deal to get some residuals. If my INCREDIBLY well-written Weekly JUices were snatched up by a big biz blog and they were making money off of it but I wasn’t, I’d riot my face off. BUT ALSO, I’d ask someone smarter than me to look over a contract before signing it because I’m just a poor person who writes blogs and if anyone offered me pennies for my blog I’d be like yes sounds great where do I sign? Moral of the story here, I have significantly less money than both Taylor Swift AND Dave Chapelle and I’m very open to negotiations for my talents (of which there are so many, obviously.) Then maybe I could go to brunch and actually get food rather than just showing up to stunt an outfit on all of my haters and order a water. Also, let Dave buy his show and let Taylor buy her music. The end.

@thesaltyju

When you have a brunch wardrobe but not a brunch budget. 💁🏽‍♀️ #basicbitch #alittlebitalexis #poorpeopleproblems

♬ Therefore I Am – Billie Eilish

5. Are You Ok?

The Duke And Duchess Of Sussex Visit Australia - Day 3

Meghan Markle contributed this very well-written piece to the NY Times, where she reveals that her and Harry suffered a miscarriage. Of course, in addition to being this worldly and charitable creature, she’s a phenomenal writer as well. (I’m jelly as hell.) It’s a quick read and a nice reminder to ask people if they’re ok because they’re probably not. Especially this year. But then if you ask someone if they’re ok and they say no, don’t tell them to just get over it. That’s my own pro tip from the trenches of anti-ok.

BONUS: If you are not OK, here’s some Thanksgiving highlights that will hopefully bring you some holiday cheer. Cause nothing slaps harder than shoving your head into a turkey b-hole.

I hope that you were able to cram lots of snacks into your snackhole, bathe in gravy & boom roast Christmas Hallmark movies with your family like I did. If not, please enjoy my commentary on some Thanksgiving classics. I had a lame tweet get A LOT of action and a GREAT tweet about a new Goo Goo Doll face go under-appreciated. Also, my brother in law and dad turned off the dog show for football so they’re both dead to me. Countdown to Christmas begins MEoW!

I’m thankful for my family, who didn’t murder me when I took 16,000 boomerangs of the food that they were killing themselves to prepare for a business Instagram story that got 30ish views. LIFE OF A CONTENT CREATOR, YO. I’m also thankful that I belong to a crew that doesn’t believe in serving sizes. This was just a light snack 45 mins before the feast. Portion control is for wieners. You’re not doing Thanksgiving right if you don’t feel like you’re going to blow. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk on being a lard.

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Red Carpet

AMA’s 2020 Red Carpet

Oh look, another awards show that I CAN’T WATCH but any old with an antenna CAN. How does that make sense? If I have internet, I should be able to watch any awards shows. Those should be the rules. This is BLASPHEMY. But anyway, after I tried to steal everyone I’ve ever known’s cable and was met with an error message, I gave up and checked out the red carpet. When I saw this collection, I debated not even blogging it because it was slim pickins and those who showed up did not knock my socks off, but we just got red carpets back so the red carpet blog MUST GO ON.

WORST DRESSED

BTS

This is clearly a pic before their performance and it made me laugh out loud so let’s start on a high note. 7 guys who don’t even speak English and I’m 99% sure their songs are also in Korean and yet they’re wildly famous here for whatever reason. Only three of them have changed their hair color but the rest? WHY WOULD YOU ALL HAVE THE SAME EXACT HAIRSTYLE AND THEN ALSO WEAR THE SAME UNIFORM. Gun to my head I would never be able to tell these jabrone’s apart. They are one.

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Everyone’s salivating at the fact that these two are making their first “public appearance” but like once you’re whoring yourselves all over social media for months and calling each other twin flames, a paparazzi photo on an awards show carpet really does nothing for me. Fashion-wise, the style of Megan’s dress is weird as hell and I’m not down with Machine Gun’s metallic boots, Aladdin pants and featured chesties.

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This is quite a Jessica Rabbit lewk and I cannot approve this many bits being on display or a black part with bright red hair. I would say I’m too old for this look but Bebe is my age sooo…….

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Doja Cat wore her Hocus Pocus Halloween costume a few weeks too late. 

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These are like leather track pants and if it weren’t for the pocket decor, I might’ve let it slide.

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GR8 Color Coordination but this gave me hoard PTSD to the early 2000’s and homecoming. 

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I love an ocean theme as much as the next girl but one wrong move and this oyster is going to flash us her pearl.

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“Drown me in fabric but leave a slit for a leg moment,” is what I assume Ciara told her stylist to do.

BEST

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As host of the evening, I definitely have to give Taraji credit for going full speed at the drama with this outfit. It is quite a statement and you know I have a boner for sparkles.

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Y’all know I hate the just stepped out of the shower soaking wet look that these celebs die for, but I can’t put the most famous person on this red carpet on the worst dressed list. It’s against every fiber of my being. JLo’s worst look is still better than your best and that’s pretty freaking obvious.

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Can count on these two ragamuffins to bring the curl and the trendy suits.

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Don’t know who this cat is but he wears toight pants well.

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Probs my fave look of the night, which isn’t saying a lot but still a suit well done. Sexy and glam.

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Another pic that made me uproariously laugh. I think it’s funny because you hear Lewis sing and he has phenomenal pipes and then you see him in real life and he looks like such a schlub. And he really leans into that. I mean he looks like he’s running late for algebra. I love a guy who’s like oh I’m famous and supposed to do things? Nah.

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Since this is an ABC sanctioned event, it would be nothing without the latest Bachelorette. Clare who? Tayshia’s rack  and set of stems are here to stay.

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Bell Biv DeVoe reminding us of a golden era where fedoras and primary colors ruled. Smooth as hell.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/16/2020

1. Just Gonna Keep Cruising.

I know I write about Taylor Swift basically every week but she just happens to always have hot goss and I’m obviously her biggest fan so sue me. I was just gossiping with my friend who is Anti-Tay and thinks she plays the victim because exactly one year ago was the whole scooter Braun mess where he stole her life’s work and internet bullied her. And here we are, a year later, the feud still going strong. This week Taylor posted the above update and open letter because Scoot Scoot just can’t seem to quit. Quick summary for all y’all who doooonnntt caaaare: Taylor signed a contract back at the beginning of her career, then she left the label early and therefore breached the contract and they owned her shit. Then Scooter bought it and Taylor was like over my dead bod will this b-hole own all my success and profit off of it. Cut to this year, apparently Taylor offered to buy her stuff back and Scooter wouldn’t even give her a price until she signed an NDA to never talk shit about him (RED FLAG) and then she found out that he sold it to some other company instead but told them they weren’t allowed to talk to Taylor if they wanted to buy it. And he still holds shares to profit off of it. So basically Scooter is a shady MF’er with a stupid ass name. I can argue that all of this is idiotic. Taylor is worth zillions and whatever she releases people will listen to. Will she make her old stuff irrelevant by re-recording it? No obviously not, but it’s the only thing she has control over to stick it to Scootsicles. On the flip, Scooter is obviously a dick. Putting clauses in all these contracts to shut everyone up? You know you’re being sketchy if you’re demanding NDA’s. It takes a special breed of troutsniffer to F with a megastar like Tay and pretend he’d even consider selling her own work back to her when you knew he was never going to. Anyway, hopefully this is the last time we hear about this because it’s so last year. The best snippet to come out of this saga is that not only will we have new/old Taylor real soon, but she also revealed that there’s a 10 minute version of All Too Well with F bombs from the day she wrote it. COUNT ME IN. If I could perform for ten minutes instead of three, I could finally start charging for my car singing performances. SO STOP WITH THE LETTERS AND GIVE IT HERE, TAY.

2. Friends in Rich Places.

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George Clooney did press this week for whatever reason and shared the story that when he first got together with Amal, he decided to gift 14 of his closest friends each 1 million dollars in cold hard cash. He figured they were all in his will anyway, and why wait until he’s dead to thank them for all they’ve done for him over the years. And he literally had to pull off a movie heist just to be the most generous guy on this earth. He had to find a place that would have that amount of cash available, which honestly I respect the dedication to getting cash here. Could he have venmo’ed them or written a check? Probably. But nothing slaps quite as hard as a stack of cash. Plus there’s the dramatics of it. Handing over a bag of cash like you just robbed a bank is a BFF memory that will last longer than that cool mill will. Anyway, he rented a van that said florist on it, told his assistant and his security guard and went into an underground facility to load up the van with 14 bags of cheddar. Then he got all his friends together and handed them over. So basically now that this story is out in the open, it will 100% be made into a movie because that’s how Hollywood works. But also… I’m a good friend, anyone wanna give me a million dollars before they croak? Just tossing it out there. LMK. And the real lesson here: if you have 14 million dollars to spare…don’t be a schmuck and share the wealth.

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3. A Royal Painting.

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip Duke Of Edinburgh 73rd Wedding Anniversary Official Portrait, Windsor, UK - 17 Nov 2020

These two skeletons have been married for 73 years. SEVENTY THREE. It’s like the end of the Titanic. But real life the Queen of England. But also, is it real life? Because this official portrait was the airbrushing job of the century. Remember when Philip was photographed a couple of months ago and he literally looked like the walking dead? Let me remind you.

Are we sure ole buhhole eyes didn’t actually croak and this is a nice cartoon caricature to keep the people happy? Cause this is Facetune for olds. Real exaggerated. No wonder they only release pics for special occasions. They have to prop up their sack of bones for “the royal portrait” and that’s probably a whole lotta work. Congrats on being married for 900 years but also gonna need a confirmation that you are still among the living. A video should do the trick.

4. Demi Did An Unfortunate Thing.

I saw the post that Demi “did a thing” and I was like oh no. Don’t do it, girl. There should absolutely be a moratorium on post heartbreak hair changes.

Credit to my friend Kat for giving her the benefit of the doubt and saying she’d need to see the front. But when you buzz the sides and leave the top long, there’s only one direction that heads in and that is Jon + Kate plus 8. Nope. Thankfully as soon as Kat saw the front shot she declared that she hated it. Can’t support our girl on this one. Lucky for rich people, they can ruin their entire head with a rash 2007 reality TV inspired ‘do and the next day will have a wig or weave in and a completely different color. Fingers crossed she comes to her senses.

5. Anotha One.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Legit forgot these two were even together so can’t say I’m heartbroken by this split. I was genuinely shocked that they never got married but I guess that’s a good thing, don’t have to tackle the big D with a couple of kids. What really grabbed me is that People.com posted a slew of paparazzi beach pics of them when they announced the split and the headline was “had a happy beach outing 2 months before their split” and I felt triggered by this headline. I’m not going through this split and I was like:

bridesmaids kidding me


Two people are in sucksville going through a breakup with young kids and People is like but they were happy two months ago! What went wrong?! God being famous during a split must bloooooow. WHO LOOKS MISERABLE AT THE BEACH?! I rest my case.

BONUS PT. 1:

If I’m gonna send around pics of Chris Evans’ willis and doodle berries upon request, I can also feature his face when it’s being snuggled by an adorable pup. Apparently this is Aly Raisman’s dog and they had a puppy play date AKA they’re boning but honestly who wouldn’t do this babe soda?! He’s hot, wears the hell out of a cream cable knit sweater, he’s got a knob carved from marble AND he’s a dog guy. Lock it up, Aly.

BONUS PT. 2:

@jackblack

Challenge accepted

♬ WAP（feat. Megan Thee Stallion） – Cardi B

Did anyone really ever expect this super disgusting song to become such an iconic movement? Nothing brought me more joy than TikTok right after the song was released with the dances and jokes about Covid tests and the dangly thing in the back of your throat. I’ll be candid and say I have considered a few crafts that feature the lyrics because nothing has more wholesome shock value than a needlepoint of “I want you to park that Big Mac truck up in this little garage” Anyway, Jack Black coming through with the delayed WAP dance was exactly what we all needed right now. It’s like fat guy in a little coat except it’s fat guy gyrating on the floor. Well done, sir. More of this plz. Not as quality as a dramatic TikTok that’s so hot it stops power, but a close second.

@thesaltyju

Blew a fuse in my apt trying to get the “storm” effect. So this @celinedion duet better be appreciated. #celinedionchallenge #allcomingbacktomenow

♬ original sound – The Salty Ju

TRIPLE BONUS! And lastly…I’m not going to give People the satisfaction of a whole post because I’ve given their Sexiest Man Alive free outrage every year since I started this blog because it makes me laugh my face off that they’re like THE WAIT IS OVER when they announce. Stop acting like this calculated honor based completely on PR is the biggest announcement of the year. But…

I approve. He’s sexy.

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Pop Culture, Salty Stories

Celine Dion Made Me Do It

Welp, I’ve officially done the most ridiculous and embarrassing thing a grown adult can do. I understand that I say that a lot and perhaps have dramatized a scenario or two, but this one truly takes the cake. Let’s set the scene. It’s my third week in my new apartment. A few nights ago I’m doing my nightly TikTok scroll when I stumble upon an official Tok from Celine Dion’s account. She (her team) posted a clip of her greatest hit of all time (don’t fight me on this, I will win) “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.” This song is uncontested for best car scream singalong and when I saw the dramatic snippet of the music video and her call for people to recreate it, I immediately knew what I needed to do. I’ve never felt more of a sense of duty to Celine. It was like she had cast the bat symbol into the dark Gotham City sky and I was Batman (Christian Bale’s version obviously.) I didn’t grow up imitating her French Canadian accent for laughs amongst my family members for nothing. It was my time to shine. Please feel free to immerse yourself in the original creation to really set the tone for this candid peek behind the scenes of my life imitating what it would be like if a 30 year old moved into the Hype House. (For fellow olds like me, the Hype House is a home where a bunch of teenagers live and create TikToks 24/7.)

The next day it struck me that I live alone now. I can really commit to the bit here and not fear someone hearing me or interrupting my stupidity to ask what the hell I’m doing. This is an insecure content creator like myself’s true wet dream. I began to prepare the creative of how I was going to tackle this video. The original music video (in case you didn’t have a spare 7 and a half mins to review it above) takes place in a castle during a stormy night as Celine mourns her ex. Those theatrics were really going to need some dedication and I was up for the job. First I had to unearth the only silk robe I own that also happened to be my gift for being in my sister’s wedding. It very boldly says Maid of Honor across the back. I’d have to make sure my hair covered that as I’m confident Celine has never been anyone’s maid of honor. She’s the star of the show or she doesn’t show up at all. I mean come on, did James Cameron win a buttload of Oscars for Titanic because he’s a great director? No he won them because he got Celine to create and sing her face off to the smash hit My Heart Will Go On. I’ll never let go, Jack? More like I’ll never get over how much of an iconic diva Celine Dion is.

Celine

Anyway, next I started to brainstorm how I could make it look like a stormy night in my opposite of a mansion new apartment. I only have one curtain in this shack to separate my “office” from my bedroom and I knew that’s where this tomfoolery was about to go down. It’s about time I used my office for some real work. I lit a candle for ambience and because she had a shit-ton of burning candles in the video (my production budget only allowed for one), got dressed in my silk robe, did my hair and makeup and began my grind of setting the scene. I don’t mean to brag but I’ve worked on a movie set, and sometimes you just need to do a little behind the scenes magic to make something believable. As it is now winter and I no longer have fans hanging around, that behind the scenes magic was the one, two punch of my space heater and my hair dryer to create a wind machine. Rigging both of these together to blow at the curtains was not only difficult but also was blowing the bottom, which was out of frame. I won’t reveal how many times I propped that hair dryer higher only to have it flop back down. I finally conceded and figured it was good enough. I also noticed that in this very 90’s music video, the lights flickered to really amp up the drama of the storm and also her ex haunting her, probably. So after several HQ takes of some of my FINEST acting running towards the curtains in disarray…

It was time to up the ante. With both my hair dryer and space heater on full blast for several minutes now, I decided to do a shot of just the “blowing” curtains and flicker the lights on my own. I hammered that light switch a few times then went to what we in the biz call “check the gate” (took a film class once) and suddenly I was in pitch black darkness. My little moviemaking antics for a TIKTOK had blown a fuse. Spielberg over here had gotten so carried away in the process that I forgot that I was in a 220 year old brick house and not a Hollywood soundstage. Panic ensued.

I immediately made quick work of unplugging the hair dryer and stashing it back in the bathroom. I tried to listen for outbursts from my upstairs neighbors, not knowing if I had affected their power as well. They seemed normal amounts of loud and not angry at the new girl for cutting electricity loud. I glanced at myself in the mirror wearing a silk robe with my name embroidered on it and a red lip standing next to a tripod. My worst fear was that someone would abruptly knock on my door and find me like this. Do you know how hard it would be to explain that I’m not sharing solo footage for my OnlyFans account but in fact just getting in touch with my inner Celine circa 1996? I’m guessing they wouldn’t buy it. I immediately erased all evidence and texted my landlord after searching high and low for a fuse box. Of course it wouldn’t be in my apartment. I acted casj cool in my text. “Hey it’s me, your new tenant! I made an oopsie and blew the fuse because I was drying my hair with the space heater on. Can I get access to the fuse box to reset it?” He was kind enough to zip right over and power things up again, with a gentle reminder that this house is old as dirt and that there’s only 15 amps per 6 outlets, as if I would ever know what that means. What a guy. He has no clue he’s renting to a complete moron who thinks dressing her bedroom as a set for a 20 second video is absolutely necessary. Hopefully he never knows. He doesn’t strike me as the type to google somebody, but should he stumble across this blog one day—I wasn’t blow drying my hair at 8pm when I haven’t left the apartment all day. I was trying to Beyonce the SHIT out of a music video shoot. Sorry not sorry. (I’m just kidding I actually am sorry pls don’t evict me, I just got everything unpacked.)

(I mean seriously are the curtains even moving?!)

It should come as no surprise to you that the shot that blew the fuse STUNK. In fact, I forced it into the final video (a measly 2 seconds) as homage to my landlord and the fact that he rectified the situation at lightning speed so that the shoot could continue without additional production days. Once the power was back on we were off to the races and by that I obviously mean I spent another 1-2 hours shooting 6 zillion takes of me lip syncing because I’d rewatch it and immediately coach myself that I could do it better the next time. Thank GAWD there were no witnesses to this. Then on top of that, I started the editing process and realized that when you’re not a 14 year old who lives and breathes TikTok, it’s actually super hard to use and since there was no way on EARTH I was going to shoot that thing in one take live (was any accredited feature film shot live?!) I was forced to spend hours using two different apps to match me and Celine up as best as I could.

The final product is below. It’s probably the shittiest 20 seconds that’s ever caused a power outage. But if you watch it enough times on repeat like I did trying to sync our powerful singing up, you’ll start to see that I basically am Celine Dion. Is there a difference between the two of us? No, no there is not. Unfortunately for my ego, which reached its pinnacle right around the time I did a full face of makeup and decided adding a dramatic rosé sip at the end would really incorporate my own personal brand into this reboot…my TikTok got a measly 49 views and 2 likes. On the bright side someone did comment “10/10.” So thank you for your kindness, stranger. It is words of encouragement like that I’ll remember fondly the next time I’m spending an entire evening by myself with my tripod, convincing myself I’m Celine Dion in the flesh, creating a city-wide blackout.

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Red Carpet

People’s Choice Awards 2020 Red Carpet

Lookie, lookie what do we have here?! ANOTHER actual red carpet?! It seems like Hollywood is back ON and I’m here for it. Woke up this morning to hear about an awards show that doesn’t even matter and yet here I am scrambling to show you these looks. That’s what we in the biz call, starving for content. Here’s what the celebs wore to a fan popularity contest. (How Ellen won her fan’s votes is beyond me…might want to have someone look into that because I wouldn’t put it past her to rig it for good press.)

WORST

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TROOP BEVERLY HILLS 9021-NO.

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You’ll notice this evening’s trend of wear an exaggerated pantsuit was not cherished by me. WHAT is fashionable about drowning yourself in clown-sized polyester?

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No to the dress which looks like it was purchased at Deb circa 1999 but also no to this pose.

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This dress is the most unflattering and also the same color as her milky silver-tone skin. 

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Oh ok, Dad. Did you get lost and stumble upon the grey (blue?) carpet?

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Again with the suits. It’s a fan-voted awards show with a purple/pink ombre step and repeat behind you. It’s not a corporate retreat. Live a little.

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Ok don’t live that much. This is a Jersey Shore dress and not in a good way.

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Brad looks like he’s wearing a pirate costume. I much prefer when he’s switching wigs on his Instagram to act out all of the Housewives drama.

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This TikTok star looks like she’s going to prom in a 90’s romcom.

BEST

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CHRISTMAS QWEEN.

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After I stopped drooling over that island-fresh tan, I was able to see that this outfit is cool as hell too. Very Euro chic.

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Oh what a doll Mandy is with that aw, shucks grin and holding her baby bump.

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Despite his hand hovering over his junk pose, I can always get down with the color teal.

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This does absolutely nothing for her figure but I respect the fact that Demi is the host and basically showed up in glitter jammies. She also made jokes about her engagement so good for her 0 F’s Given approach.

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You know I stan for a sparkly suit jacket.

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Love this color and the cool guy boots.

 

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Believe it or not I would’ve loved this more if the shirt was cropped and not hanging down to her mid-thighs like it’s a dress, but I can understand Ellen not being a crop chick. I still think it’s a cool outfit and something different in a sea of business separates.

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LAAAHHHVEE the red lace and lip combo.

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No clue what this outfit says, I’m assuming it’s probably a political statement because that’s how Hollywood rolls now, but it’s a good fit and her boobs are poppin.

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I’ve seen Mario crush a carpet harder, but it wouldn’t be in good taste to put such a hunk muffin on the worst dressed list, so I’ll give him a pass. 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/9/2020

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1. Who Bought Halftime This Year?

The Weeknd, that’s who. I’m certainly not the first to say this but allow me to be the loudest, WHAT?! We just had a record day for new cases of the ‘vid (I feel like if we give it a street name it’ll stop killing people) and we’re making plans for a football game in February?! LOLOLOL. Get the hell out of here with that garbage! Unless he’s performing remotely like all of these ratchet awards shows, I feel like it’s a scooch premature to be locking in the Super Bowl this year. Let’s take a beat and see how the end of 2020 shakes out first. Even the CMA’s that went full force the other night had people dropping like flies because of positive tests. Just because Pfizer has a promising lead on the vaccine sitch doesn’t mean we’ll be partying like it’s 1999 mask free for Super Bowl Sunday. (Related note: all of this can also apply to LiveNation who thinks they’re going to reboot the concert industry through an app to verify if you’ve been vaccinated.) Everyone needs to slow their roll. I get that the world is crumbling and people just want reasons to celebrate and act like shit’s normal but this has a real dad just hit mom at the dinner table and everyone be quiet vibe to it. Address the elephant in the room, the elephant that I’m referring to is of course the fact that just anyone can purchase their spot at the Super Bowl now and a stage that large should be exclusively reserved for iconic singers–of which the Weeknd is not. Sorry, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. JLo? Icon. Gaga? Icon. The Weeknd? He’s been around for like 2 years and I still have to google how to spell his name. Relax. That being said, should the halftime show go off without a hitch, my sister and I are one hundo percent available as backup dancers. Just need a couple of Bud Lattes, a cheese-based dip and 2 hours of practice to shuffle through 14 seconds of dance moves like we’re uncoordinated paralyzed zombies. Please contact our agent if you’re interested. Who am I kidding, we’d never give up a night of unlimited dips just to perform at the Super Bowl no matter HOW talented we are. Rescinding the offer in favor of the best apps night of the year.

@thesaltyju

When your sister gets drunk & says she’ll learn a tiktok dance but doesn’t realize that means 2 hours of practice…#fyp #blindinglights #sundayfunday

♬ Blinding Lights – MACDADDYZ

2. Another Legend Gone.

Lifelong Jeopardy host Alex Trebek lost his battle with cancer this past weekend. Whether you were an old who can’t miss Jeopardy or not, everyone is mourning this iconic host. He was Canadian cool and Jeopardy will be lost without him. I’m not personally an avid viewer of the Jeop/WOF early bird special but I was an avid viewer of “The Best of Will Ferrell on SNL” and his skits as Trebek were easily my favorite. It’s unfortunate that my first thought when I hear his name is “Suck It, Trebek” or “Rough, just the way your mother likes it, Trebek” but that’s what happens when you’re so calm & collected that they make a whole SNL running sketch with Sean Connery (also RIP, God everyone’s dropping like flies) insulting you. Hope he’s up there kickin it with Reg, doing TV legend shit. (Enjoy my favorite clip below even though the only surviving celeb that they’re mocking is French Stewart…yoikes.)

And also an actual tribute to the real Alex Trebek and not the parody.

3. New Tuneage.

Thomas Rhett previewed this song about a week ago and I was READY FOR IT. I figured he’d incorporate his cute ass family into the music video as he’s been known to do, plus they spent a significant amount of time in Montana looking like an LL Bean catalog during quarantine. Curveball: he decided to go for the angle that makes me feel old AF. Watching a bunch of high school football games and kids singing in the car driving home from school was enough to make me wither away in my wrinkles and grey hair (YES I HAVE GREY HAIR, NO I AM NOT OVER IT) while watching. Regardless of my age insecurities, this song is a bop and the video had some wholesome fall vibes to it. Maybe one day I’ll get to see his concert I bought tickets for last June and not have to prove via an app that I’m Covid-Free. Also good news:

These two cherubs will be hosting the holidays. Since there’s a high possibility that Thanksgiving and Christmas are cancelled, we need them now more than ever. Now who is going to give me a cable login so I can watch?

4. Flex on Flex.

Rolling Stone did a feature called “Musicians on Musicians” where Taylor Swift and Paul McCartney kicked it in London and talked about the process behind their latest albums, both done in quarantine. In summary, it was a buttload of words about why they’re both bosses. Paul played all the instruments on his album, Taylor talked about how she’s been beefing up on classic literature and showed up without hair and makeup for a photoshoot. It’s essentially a contest to see who can be more intelligent and humble. They both win. I imagine they conducted this interview in a castle library straight out of Beauty and the Beast, smoking cigars. The whole article just smelled of rich leather and mahogany. Obviously I’m jealous as hell. And as two top-tier songwriters who have earned their success, why wouldn’t you humble-brag about it in Rolling Stone if given the opportunity? For those of you who like a long read and are genuinely interested in the art of music (Dad), find the article HERE. For anyone with the attention span of a gnat (the rest of my friends and family), you’re not really missing that much. Taylor doesn’t give many tidbits behind folklore other than that Peace is one of the few on the album that is about her personal life (focusing on her lack of privacy and how that messes with her relationship) and she really loves the word epiphany and has a list of big words that she just likes and will toss into songs. My favorite part of the article is the story Paul tells in the end:

Here’s hoping something will happen for me REAL QUICK.

5. CHRISTMAS IS COMING THE GEESE ARE GETTING FAT.

People are really desp for some Christmas cheer this year and I feel like the past few weeks have been chock full of holiday content, so I’m going to do the lazy thing and jam it all together here for your selective consumption. If you feel like it’s too soon, get over it. Hallmark has been airing Christmas movies since March. It’s time to force joy into your lives when it’s pitch black at 5 (Seriously, is there a soul on this earth that LIKES daylight savings? Can we just cancel it like everything else?) and freezing cold. The hot flash that was last week is over and it’s time to come to terms with Mariah season fast-approaching. So here’s some new tunes (I’m purposefully leaving out the Jonas Brothers release because it was the biggest snoozer):

So realistically it’s just the country scene that are ready for some Christmas cheer, which is ironic because the south will never see snow and their holidays probably look like my 80 degree bike ride through the tacky lights on the lake display that they started erecting in Syracuse in July.

If only snow always looked as majestic as the set where Dan + Shay crooned about Christmas and white fedoras like Jessie’s counted as casual wear. Anyway, in addition to new beats, there will also be a Disney singalong. Unfortunately it’s the same night as the country holiday special hosted by TR and Lauren so hopefully y’all have some DVR space. Normally I’d skip this Disney fest but they do have Bubbles and everyone with a brain knows you can’t have Christmas without Michael Buble.

And finally should you be in search of holiday movies that might include a little more action than your regular Hallmark & Lifetime (of which I will try my hardest to do my annual blog of holiday TV movies), might I suggest Holidate on Netflix. TECHNICALLY it’s not a Christmas movie because it features ALL holidays, but we’ll count it for now because I have given it my must-watch stamp of approval. It has humor, it has sex (GASP) and just the right amount of cheese. Also, feel free to turn focusing on the fact that Kristin Chenoweth’s forehead does not move one single time into a drinking game. You’re welcome. My Christmas present to all.

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Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2020

I heard whispers of the CMA’s coming up mostly via Instagram but unfortunately I’ve returned to the poor person’s land of no cable and I shoved these murmurs to the side as I didn’t want to face the facts that I couldn’t afford to watch an awards show. It didn’t help that my sister rubbed it in by choosing to watch her first awards show in a year and text me to see if I was also watching. NO I’M NOT NIKKI BECAUSE IT’S NOT ON NETFLIX, GAWD. Anyway, color me surprised when I scooted over to People.com and saw that not only was there a red carpet but it was populated enough for me to RAZZ HOARD on the chosen looks. It’s been a MINUTE since I could do a best and worst dressed. I’m so #grateful that Nashville has decided the pandemic is over and brought awards szn back. So even though I couldn’t watch, I sure as shit can Joan Rivers this hoedown! LET’Z GO.

WORST

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First thing’s first, OBVIOUSLY Maren looks great post-baby. That doesn’t change the fact that I hate this lingerie look. And then hubby comes in wearing a literal karate black belt. It’s a no for me, dawgs.

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Realistically I’m not sure there’s much that you can do to make a very large colored eagle chest tat red carpet ready. But this bright blue number that matches the backdrop wasn’t it.

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Is Miranda’s huz the most whipped person on this earth? I mean he literally quit his job as a police officer to live inside Miranda’s b-hole and star in her music videos/instagram drool sessions and now he’s gotta coordinate with her Think Pink theme. I love a pop of color but this mismatched version plus the 80’s shoulders and cinching didn’t cut it.

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Change it up, Aldean. Am I being kinda harsh? Yeah. Get over it. Let’s see something other than 90’s era jeans with a chain, loafer boots, graphic tee and cowboy hat. SPICE IT UP.

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I cannot stand velvet/velour and for that very finicky reason I cannot toss this duo on the best dressed. Luke looks good but wifey looks like she’s wearing the latest Juicy sweatsuit with heels.

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I think what’s probably the most offensive about this poop suit is that he tossed black into the mix as well. If you’re going to go full turd why ALSO sprinkle in black because EVERYONE KNOWS brown and black don’t match. #bracking.

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I’m probably going to start sounding like a broken record but I like this color and hate the style. It’s like a corporate outfit and I feel like she could’ve done better than a button down like she’s there to give a sales presentation.

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Honestly if this awards show were in Vegas like one of the 600 country shows is, I probably would’ve let this getup slide. But it’s not. You’re in Nashville and therefore wearing this showgirl hot red feathery dress with rhinestone heels is tacky AF. Obviously goes without saying that the rose decal jacket also falls in that category.

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Dierks is letting the locks grow and I don’t LOVE it. Also he’s dressed to grab a beer at the bar. 

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Kinda want Osborne on the left’s grey boots (holla atcha gurl) but in lieu of calling out Dierks for being too casj, I gotta do the same with these boys. You’re not hitting up a bonfire, step up your game.

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I wish this were a frontsies shot but I can tell from this angled glimpse that there’s weird shit going on with this lady tux. Seems like a nip slip waiting to happen and is she also wearing a karate belt? Is this a thing now? LMK.

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Did Caylee and Jon Pardi’s wife get dressed in the same back alley? This is EXTRA aggressive because she’s also a ginge so that’s really a lot of red for one set of eyes to take in.

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What are you at the Oscars? I get that you’re the host but whoa buddy this is stiff as hell. I realize the conundrum I face by criticizing those who underdress AS WELL AS those who overdress but really it’s my blog and you can’t tell me what to do. I’ve never seen a more snoozy tux.

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I have questions about why he’s even at the CMA’s but the biggest question of all is what the hell is happening here? It’s the matching ivory, feathered crop top blazer, man turtle neck & chunky black non-slip sneaks for ME. God just typing out those deets made me choke back voms. What were we going for here?

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Oh great! Is this a trend?! Am I too old to know that whoutfits with black kicks are fashionable now? Guess what I don’t care. It’s horrific. Cut the shit. I wouldn’t even wear this in the privacy of my own home and I went outside in my pajamas this morning so you KNOW I don’t have fashion standards.

 

BEST

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THIS is how you red without going full-blown Rockette.  Feathers are not necessary to make a dramatic statement.

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Very classy. A little boring, but the pattern adds some pizazz. (Also ironically, the feathers are necessary here. But they are tasteful.)

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I had my first Iced Peppermint Mocha (shoutout Dunks) of the season today which I like to refer to as Christmas in a Cup and while the candy cane caffeine is still coursing through my veins I’m all about this festive look. CHRISTMAS GLAM!

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I’ve seen TR look better. Lauren looks like a babe soda as always. I’m seeing a trend in the pink game this evening.

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Damn GET IT GURL, those curves don’t QUIT.

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A part of me will always miss Jake Owen’s lettuce and the barefoot blue jean night vibe that went with it… but I guess he cleans up nice too. His gal pal is basically wearing a wedding gown. Now that I take a second look this easily could pass as a wedding photo. I wonder if they had a Joe Jonas/Sophie Turner post awards show quickie marriage planned. Guess we’ll only find out if Diplo is there to livestream it.

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The two endcaps are all black lamewads but the middle three are killin the game. (Seriously, is the guy on the right wearing vans?) Anyway, shout out to that maroon jacket.

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Reba debuts her new man candy (candy is a very liberal term but you get the point) and this glitzy cape all in one night!

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LAAAHHHVVEEEEEE the color and style of this gown. Her husband looks like he’s wearing a cowboy halloween costume.

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Not a big full leg slit guy, but considering it’s also long sleeves she’s gotta show the goods somewhere. I respect it.

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Right side STRONG in this group photo. All in on the eggplant suit & glitzy mini. 

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Tip to all the gents, always go with a patterned suit. Keeps it zesty but doesn’t need to be loud.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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My favorite joint look of the evening. The sparkly grey gown pops and caters perfectly to her bangerang stems and Mike is wearing a coordinated but not TOO matchy matchy tie (take notes, Miranda & husb.) 10/10.

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