Yearly Archives: 2015

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/30/15

1. British Invasion SuperBowl.

LONDON – SEPTEMBER 27: (EMBARGOED FOR PUBLICATION IN UK TABLOID NEWSPAPERS UNTIL 48 HOURS AFTER CREATE DATE AND TIME) Chris Martin of Coldplay with singer Beyonce Knowles attend the after party following the concert by Jay-Z at The Royal Albert Hall, at Movida on September 27, 2006 in London, England. (Photo by Dave M. Benett/Getty Images)

Before the news broke that Coldplay would be doing the halftime show this year, they released a song with Queen B (Listen Here.) Now that I think about it he was probably buttering up the Beyhive (all of America) so we would be more accepting to the halftime show news. Look, if I can’t have Taylor Swift (and we all know she deserves a halftime gig) then I will settle for Coldplay. They’re good shit and as long as they don’t allow gorillas to dance around the stage, I accept.

2. Sandra’s New Nugget.

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Sandy adopted a little girl named Laila and now she’s got two kids and a silver fox boyfriend so like obviously her life is fabulous. I actually don’t have much to say about this gossip because I don’t love children a whole lot but I’m just happy that Sandra is winning life after all that drama with her dirt ex-husband. People don’t forget, Jesse.

3. MK Gets Married.

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Last weekend Mary Kate Olsen married bro of French pres, Olivier Sarkozy, who’s pretty old. I’m obviously going to need a little time to cope as 1/2 of my childhood twin idols married a French geezer and had bowls of cigarettes at her wedding. When did it all go wrong? Also lolz to the fact that I’m assuming this is Olivier’s child pictured below and MK is the same height/looks like she’s the same age–the only way you can tell them apart is the way that MK is clutching onto that cigg with a death grip.

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Here’s to many more years of creepy pictures and dark cloaks that smell like stale smoke, you two! (I assume that’s almost exactly what was given for a toast…it’s like an enchanting nursery rhyme)

"In the blink of an eye." Congrats MK. X

A photo posted by John Stamos (@johnstamos) on

4. Princess Charlotte is precious.

Because we’re all so obsessed with the Royal fam, they were like I guess we’ll throw those trash Americans a bone and released new pics of Charlotte around Thanksgiving. She is quite literally the second most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. (First born George takes the W, obv.) If Will & Kate had a Facebook I don’t even think I’d hate it if they posted a daily photo of their kids like I do when everyone on social media whose ever birthed a child does. THAT’S how perfect their babies are. Highest compliment I could probably ever give.

5. Harry gets Tatted on TV.

1D goes on the Late Late show to play Tattoo Roulette and obviously they make it REAL dramats trying to make you think that it’s possible James or tat-free Niall might have to get inked. Realistically you know from the start it’s going to be Harry because he gives 0.0 F’s and has a trillion tattoos already. Yet it was still pretty entertaining to watch.

Also leave it to James to have Billy Crystal just chillin and get a member of 1D to sit on his lap:

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Empire, Television

Empire- “Et Tu, Brute?”

 

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(Not Anymore!)

I took last week off from recapping Empire. I had a prior engagement in that I felt it was a rite of passage to do my first ever Thanksgiving Eve in my hometown. And let me tell you…it was WORTH it. I got drunk, served some dirty looks and ended the night with a bowl full of queso. Hot damn. Hope ya’ll can forgive me and we’ll just go right ahead and pick up with this week’s drama, or in the case of all finales, 50 minutes of lackluster TV and then 10 minutes of HOLY SHIT.

We kick off last night’s episode with a little Jaaaayyyysuuunnn Deruuuuuloooo. He announces the first nominees for the American Sound Awards, which sound like they have just about as much credibility as the AMA’s in real life. Can we please get a Jason/Jamal duet? Oh YEAH! (That only works if you read that in Jason’s voice, otherwise it seems like an odd sentence.) Anyway, Jason announces a nomination for his boy Jamal. They boyz now.

Speaking of boys, Jamal takes a quick hiatus from them to have relations with the purple haired goddess that is Sky. Naturally we’re all like huh? But leave it to Lucious to gracefully get right to the point when he asks, “Are you hitting that?” Then assumes that Sky and her majestic locks “fixed” Jamal. That Lucious, what a genius. This is the same man who minutes later said the sentence, “Is you is or is you ain’t my Mimi?” Wut.

Later on they jam it out to Powerful and out of all the celeb guest stars in the world that Empire has snagged, they get Charlamagne Tha God onstage to ask the hard-hitting questions, Is you or is you ain’t black, Sky? JK he didn’t say that but he did take a big dump all over her for suddenly choosing to identify as black for this tune. It would be like Jamal being openly gay then dating a woman…HAHA do you know something Charlamagne? Since the Internet is hilarious, they harass Sky on twitter by adding a Rachel Dolezal afro to her pictures. Brava, computer bullies, brava. No seriously. Making Rachel Dolezal topical again months later in a sly way like that was spot on. Obviously Skyal doesn’t last very long because Jamal is still gay and Sky called their hookup SOOOOO beautiful. Do less, Sky. There’s no way Jamal was THAT good. He thinks girls are icky. Also their names would never work together so it’s for the best that they broke up before getting a couple hashtag.

PS the minute that Sky appeared last week I had some real hardcore Beyond the Lights flashbacks. Troubled, misunderstood pop singer with purple hair…Double PS if you haven’t seen this movie please watch it because it’s amahzing.

After rolling deep with drug dealer/baker Rosie O’Donnell, Cookie feels like it might be time to revisit her roots. JK she lost Cookie’s Cookout (because of that dirty good for nothin longhorns tatted Laz) and needs good PR like nobody’s biz. Cookie sets up a concert at her old prison and then rolls up in a latex dress to show everyone that she is ABOVE those orange jumpsuits. She then promptly gives a pre-show speech where she sobs about losing a music festival and having her heart broken and these bitches are like um, quick reminder that we’re in jail…soooo…I’m surprised Cookie didn’t get a shoe (or a shiv) thrown at her for being such a bougie snob. Hakeem and Laura recover quickly by performing a banger for the jailbirds.

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And now for some of that good, good. The plot twist of the night is that suspicious Mimi and her wife that she keeps yapping about. Obviously we knew Mimi was a sketchathon but I never would’ve guessed that her wife is Hakeem’s cougar from season 1, Camilla. DOES EVERYONE WANT A PIECE OF HAKEEM’S D OR WHAT?! She comes crawling back thirstier than Anika at a Lyon family reunion. Either Hakeem lays mad pipe or he’s a real romantic Romeo type because I’m still having a tough time understanding why all these bitches want him. One little dick graze from Camilla and suddenly Hakeem’s convinced to oust Lucious from head of Empire. His vote is the deciding factor and Lucious is DUNZO. BOOM BOOM BOOM, BITCH.

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Cookie and Lucious’ reactions to having everything ripped from their hands were priceless. Cookie spits right in Camilla’s grill piece, prison style. And Lucious fires up his AK47 to shoot some ceramic décor in his home office. Don’t you mess with Lucious; he’ll take it out on a few selections from the pottery barn! Even Cookie is like getchyo ass together, you’re embarrassing me.

And for the final OMG moment, you know something’s fishy when Rhonda and Andre are living the vanilla life. Their biggest issue this episode was an alarm system in their million dollar mansion on the fritz. They chit chat about decorating the nursery and going to church on Sunday. Ho hum, everything’s going swell UNTIL RHONDA GETS PUSHED DOWN THE MASSIVE FLIGHT OF MARBLE STAIRS AT HER OWN HOME! I almost leapt right off my couch when with just a flicka the wrist Rhonda and baby lay lifeless at the bottom of the stairs. Who did it? Hm, I don’t know maybe that crazy bitch Anika who apparently wasn’t loving the fact that Rhonda’s son was named heir to the Empire throne. But like, what throne? Anywho, hey guys… Don’t forget to tune in next week for Cookie’s Cookout Christmas Special with a side of MJ Blige and Hakeem bullet to the name LYON. See you all in March!

 

Drip Drops:

– Jamal’s Pepsi commercial is lol-worthy. He gets people to dance with him on the subway after sippin on some soda. If anyone so much as looked at me while I was riding the subway in the city I nearly crapped my pants, I certainly wouldn’t be like JAMAL LYON IS THAT YOU? And then break dance.

-Cookie’s old prison squad asks Porsha if she’s the wifey and she was quick to set the record straight:

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-Thirsty licking all up on a middle aged board member in the elevator and her being like eh it was alright but not worth $10,000 was THE stuff. I mean come on, your NAME IS THIRSTY. You better be lapping that shit up like it’s the Sahara desert and her downstairs is the only pool of water in sight.

-The song that never ends–not lambchop singalong–but “Boom Boom Boom Boom” is nominated for song of the year up against Jamal’s “Heavy”. FATHER VS. SON. DIRT VS. BANGER. WHO WILL WIN?!

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Three’s A Crowd”

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I was hoping this was the winter finale but unfortunately we have one more week before we get a well-deserved break from the depraved lives of the sad sacks of Nashville. This week, Colt took a page out of Maddie’s bitch teen book and really amped up the LIFE ISN’T FAIR and I HATE YOU’s for some QT with Luke. Gabriella goes out on a limb as the girlfriend trying to impress the kids with, “So Colt, your dad tells me your pretty big into hip hop,” like she’s talking to a 6 year old and not a teenager who witnessed a guy plummeting to his death. Stay irrelevant, Gabriella, don’t eva change. Luke tries to take Colt fishing so they can bond and also so his son can sign a nondisclosure about the death he witnessed that Luke is sweep, sweep, sweeping under the rug. Daddy issues bubble over when it turns out Luke actually needs to do a Forbes photo shoot. Is Luke even that famous? Anyway, dad almost punches son and son moves in with grandpa, you know, the usual. Hey Luke you’re a shitty dad and your girlfriend’s about to leave you once the work dries up. Boom, roasted.

Scarlett and Caleb’s relationship progresses in that they drag it out for another week REFUSING TO BREAK UP WHEN THEY’RE TERRIBLE TOGETHER. Scarlett surprises Caleb on her day off and he’s like sarrryyy I’m busy. When he finally gets home, Scarlett is waiting for him in a nice Maidenform bra to seduce him I guess? I mean this scene was about as sexy as a Nickelodeon cartoon. Obviously not overcome with the need to bed his girlfriend who’s only in town for 24 hours, Caleb opts for a solo shower sesh. THIS ALONE POINTS TO DUMPSVILLE, Population: Scarlett. But no…later for pillow talk, Scarlett (wearing nothing but a beaded Navajo choker) tells a story about someone on the tour bus falling out of the bunk with a thong on and Nick talks about his clinical trial. Are these two compatible, or what?! It all blows up when Doc loses his baby bitch temper as he’s known to do once a week and shouts -I DEAL WITH PEOPLE WITH CANCER, NOT SING FOR FREE BEER. And yet…they stay together. Their entire relationship has a whole dad hit mom at the dinner table and we all need to act casual feel to it. Dr. Caleb is an asshole. Get him outta here.

Since I naturally tend to clump them together because they both send me to Snoozetown, Avery visits the poorhouse this week while Will thumbs his nose at a high-paying songwriting gig just because country singers think they’re going to catch the gay from working with him. Avery has quickly taken Layla’s place as the sad sap of the show. Everything in his life soooooks. He can’t book a gig on his own anymore and when he finally does he has to cancel it for a jingle because it pays more and lil screamer’s gotta eat, I guess. LoLz to Emily offering to launder money from Juliette’s account for a quick loanski AS IF that’s totes legal. Look, I can sympathize with Avery’s shitty life because I deal with being a poor person every day but like I also don’t need to relive it on TV every Wednesday. This is not interesting television. At one point Avery preaches to Will, “What we want to do and what we need to do don’t always line up.” And SHIT that’s depressing, but also #blessed because at least I don’t have an infant to support on an unemployed salary. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

Rayna still hasn’t learned that Markus is trying to bang her and it’s actually kind of cute that she’s so naïve to her mad cougar vibes. Markus finally meets Deacon—calls him Freakin’ Deacon and wraps him in an aggressive bear hug (thus deducting hot points) and shouts with glee that he NEEDS to work with the Deaconator. Yeah, yeah whatever we see where this little ménage a trois is going. Unfortunately for all of us, Markus is so eager to be the meat in a Deacon-Rayna sandwich that he coins them “the dream team” and goes to the record store to stock up on every song Deacon ever released (I’m assuming they were in a cardboard box marked “Vintage”.) For a quick giggle, the original “dream team” refers to the ‘92 US basketball team in the Olympics, but sure, a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t play anymore, a country singer turned declining label owner and a surly rocker who everyone refuses to work with TOTES equals a dream team. Before they can even win a gold medal there’s a little tussle over changing lyrics for a song, Deacon handles it real well, by stomping around with his fingers in his ears and shouting that Markus obviously wants to bang one out with Rayna. Rayna is like WHO, ME?! *hair flip* then skips on over to Markus’s hotel—where he’s just stepping out of the shower in an open cardigan. Markus agrees that their relationship is just business then winks and closes the door. He’ll be forcing himself upon Rayna in due time. In due time. (Next week.) Something tells me there’s trouble amongst the dream team.

ALSO Gunnar finally writes a song that I like with NO whining whatsoever. He was supes inspired by slumming it with roadie Erin, who wears a fedora and touches statue bewbz. And for all the cringes in the world, Maddie goes full on BIIIIITCH and curb stomps her innocent lil sis by treating her like she’s a member of Barney and Friends then actually comparing her fashion sense to Kidz Bop. KIDZ BOP. I didn’t think there could be anything more insulting this episode. Have your ears ever bled to the tune of a chorus of children singing today’s pop hits? Just the commercial alone makes me want to go deaf forever. Seriously, whatever genius thought hey, I know how to make top ten radio hits catchier, let’s have children get in a recording studio and sing along to them like they’re performing at their 3rd grade concert! GENIUS. It’s like the Kars for Kids jingle, but 13 of them, on a CD, that’s sold for profit. GAH. But I digress, Maddie laughs right in Daphne’s face just for trying to be more like her and it’s terribly sad and I want to cuddle little Daphne bear and tell her it gets better but because they’re sisters they’ve made up five minutes later.

I never thought I’d say this but like…I think I want Teddy back. I mean I’m literally begging for the mayor who used to bang call girls and try to keep it on tha DL to come back to this show. That’s where we’re at. #FREETEDDY. Let’s get it trending, guyz.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Life’s A Pitch”

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To be completely honest I was about ready for quittin time after last season’s shit show of events. What drew me back in for the premiere and another season of recapping was the promise of fresh plastic and the cutting of dead weight. Brandi wasn’t in, Kim bowed out (was sent to rehab) and it gave me new hope for a season with less shrieking Euro-brawls and more displays of exorbitant wealth that these betches think is the norm. So I’m giving this season the ole college try and since they have yet to integrate the newly hired cast members who come off as “old friends” included in a group dinner party, last night’s episode was fairly boring and full of housekeeping. No, not the kind done by imported hired help, but the kind where we’re brought up to date on who’s still friends and who isn’t after they hurled insults at each other during the reunion.

First thing’s first…let’s discuss our new taglines. Kyle, taking a page from being the most obnoxious person alive, maintained her “I’m a Beverly Hills native but I’m SO down to earth and normal” shtick that she spews out a new version of every season. Oh Kyle, you’re soooo amahhhhzing and NEVER fake. Eileen uses her tagline to remind us she’s an actress. AS IF WE COULD EVER FORGET SHE WON AN EMMY. Seriously, her line was “I may be an actress but that doesn’t mean I’ll stick to your script” when really it should have been “I may be an actress but I also won an Emmy.” Rinna makes play on words about how she’s a blabbermouth AND has giant lips, showing she’ll never stop being self-aware. (“My lips were made for talking and that’s just what I’ll do.”) AND one of our newbies, Erika comes in HOT with, “I’m an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash.” SO many questions and yet we still have yet to meet this broad. Most importantly, do we think she knows what enigma means?

Remember how Brandi spent all last season trying to lick Lisa’s vag for forgiveness? Well forgiveness was NOT granted but you know what…who needs Brandi when you’re throwing out a pitch for the Dodgers? Lisa has become somewhat of a LGBTQ celeb…the word celeb is used QUITE loosely here as I’m pretty confident her LGBTW advocate “work” was opening a bunch of gay clubs in Hollywood and being BFF’s with Lance Bass. Either way, she’s invited to throw a pitch and the Dodgers send hottie catcher AJ Elis over to “practice” or essentially just to be there while Lisa makes a bunch of ball innuendos and dirty jokes about her nonexistent sex life with her corpse of a husband. At the game, she wears the tackiest outfit I’ve ever laid eyes on and worries about throwing terribly. With a pink rhinestone trucker hat on I speak for everyone in the stadium when I say No1 currrs. Her throw doesn’t make it to the plate but that’s ok because she redeems herself by running with her boobs pushed out like she was gonna chest bump AJ and I’m disappointed that she didn’t, if we’re being honest.

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While Eileen learns tired old storylines for the Young & Restless as she effortlessly pedals a stationary bike, Rinna feels like she’s made it because she was asked to do “Where Are They Now” on the OWN network. If Rinna’s pinnacle of her career is a show on a channel that no one knows, I can’t imagine what she would do if she got a network cameo. It’s okay to make jokes about Rinna’s acting career guys, cause she’ll do ANYTHING for money. EXCEPT a diarrhea commercial…yet she did one for depends sooo…how are these two things different? Either way these ladies are working hard for their money, while Kyle’s first appearance this season is picking out overpriced pink diamond studded sunglasses that I’m almost positive Paris Hilton probably rocked in the early 2000’s at the height of pink heels and jean skirts. Stay humble, Kyle.

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All of that dumb shit pales in comparison to what we really learned in last night’s episode. Yolanda has been basically wasting away from Lyme disease and all of her BH friends are terrible human beings who have left her to deteriorate and talk shit about her. Lisa and Kyle do lunch to compare rich people sunglasses and question if Yo is faking her Lyme disease to duck out of hanging out with them. These two are a couple of trolls. If I had a choice between lying on the couch and watching TV or going to a party with them I’d choose the couch 110% of the time and I’m a healthy individual. Even though Lisa doesn’t really like Yolanda because she yelled at Ken one time three years ago, she still is “concerned”. Obviously not concerned enough because when they all roll up to Rinna’s birthday dinner, Lisa makes a point to say that Yolanda looks like a pile of dirty garbage.

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Leave it to Kyle to wear a romper designed for a 25 year old to Rinna’s birthday so she can talk about how she doesn’t like wearing shorts all night while Yolanda rolls up with no makeup, her hair pulled back and a casj monochromatic number. She brings a new friend with her who happens to be the mom of Cody Simpson. They became friends from their kids dating but stayed friends on camera so that Cody Simpson’s mom can get a reality show contract, probably.

Anyway, after witnessing that horrific birthday dinner full of people staring at Yo with their mouths open like Kim Richards just stumbled in and laid across the table with a turtle, I pretty much lost faith in humanity. This woman attended dinner without a makeup artist spending hours on her face painting a masterpiece and her friends couldn’t form a sentence without dribbling wine on themselves from shock and disgust. Yolanda was a SUPERMODEL. She literally still looks like a SUPERMODEL without makeup. Yeah she looked roughsicle but it’s because she’s sick so everyone STFU and stop making her feel like dust. AND THEN KEN…the crustiest old man with a blowout announcing that he only complimented Yolanda to make her feel good because it’s his duty on this earth to make girls feel great with his fake compliments. VOMIT. I can’t WAIT for YoYo to tear him a new one at this season’s reunion. Anyway, moral of the story, Rinna your birthday and where Harry Hamlin is on your speed dial means absolutely nothing when someone has the nerve to arrive without eyelash extensions, k?

 

Things that made me laugh:

-Kyle waiting roughly 10 minutes before hawking her scripted show about her childhood that sounds boring as rocks and will get cancelled in its first week. Kathy doesn’t approve of it because she’s classy famous and Kim doesn’t approve of it because she’s scary AF.

-Rinna making her daughter work at a deli to buy her own car yet taking both girls shopping at a boutique where the tees are at least $50. #AllAboutThatBudget

-Eileen deciding to downsize/redecorate her home literally because Brandi compared it to a trunk full of shit from Antiques Roadshow last season. I find this downright hilarious. The haters gonna hate, hate, hate and I’m just gonna listen to them and change my life accordingly.

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/23/15

1. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Sing.

It has been announced that Friday Night Lights will go the musical way much like The OC and Cruel Intentions AND Scott Porter will play Coach Taylor. No. Thank. You. Look, FNL is the stuff. It’s the greatest show ever made and Coach Taylor is the best football coach in the world. WE DON’T NEED TO SING ABOUT IT. I have a low tolerance for breaking into song mid-sentence and I’m not seeing how a show that featured roughly 2 songs the entire series could ever make song and dance believable in the story line. ALSO Kyle Chandler is Coach Taylor and Coach Taylor is Kyle Chandler. No one else should ever utter that famous phrase, regardless of if they’re a Dillon insider or not.

2. Grease Live first peek.

I realize the contradiction of shitting all over a musical above and then hyping this one but Grease is a STAPLE. How else are girls going to learn that wearing leather pants and red lipstick while smoking a ciggy will ALWAYS get you yo man? Anyway, the cast looks gr8. I mean Julianne Hough is pretty much perfect for Sandy. Even Vanessa Hudgens surprised me as Rizzo. There’s a strong possibility that I watch this to see how it plays out chemistry-wise. Here they are hand jivin it up to get you on board.

3. Magic Mike Wedding.

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello got hitched last weekend and in a surprising move, Sofia posted all wedding photos on her personal Instagram. Boss move by her to be like hey it’s my wedding and I’ll do what I damn please with the pics. She obviously looked bangin body-wise but I’m not fully understanding the concept of the wings on each side of her dress. Anyway, I can only assume that there was PLENTY of stripping between her hubs and Channing and I’ll just let that fantasy play out in my mind a little further if you’ll excuse me.

A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on

A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on

A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on

 

4. Little Saylor Girl.

Saylor James Cutler was born today at 132pm!! 🎀💕

A photo posted by Kristin Cavallari (@kristincavallari) on

SAYLOR. JAMES. KRISTIN’S NOT EVEN REAL HOLLYWOOD AND SHE JUST DROPPED THAT HOLLYWOOD NAME. Don’t worry Bristol Palin also called dibs on it and needed to make it clear that she picked it first and isn’t a total poser. K, Bristol. Thanks so much.

 

5. Hello…

Because you can’t go five minutes without hearing Adele and also because my family made it a new tradition yesterday to just keep whispering Hello….over and over again. Here’s the British powerhouse with her classroom toys version on Jimmy Fallon.

BONUS: TIS THE SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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Music, Uncategorized

Andrew McMahon Top Five

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I’m certainly not the first one of my angsty generation who got hooked on Something Corporate during my whiny teen years and then decided to never let go. I grew up as Andrew McMahon grew up going from SoCo to Jack’s Mannequin, to that kind of techno solo phase and now onto his latest venture (Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness) where he’s getting radio play and talk show performances!! I’m so proud, as a diehard fan. I also have made it a ritual to groupie it up and see him in concert once a year (sometimes twice depending on his tour sched. Sarry not Sarry.)

Fresh off the high of seeing him this past weekend (and having him crowd surf over my head as seen above), I’m doing what I usually do when I get the post-concert blues…re-watch all their music videos. Since I run my own blog, I decided to share this process with the world. Let’s kick it with Andrew’s top five-ish spanning his several years in the music biz with various bands in chronological order.

1. I Woke Up In A Car

This video always gives me a good case of the giggles because of baby Andrew. It’s quite literally a bunch of kids jamming in their parent’s bougie California basement. I mean, Andrew’s wearing a high school track tee. Fun fact: the stud in the white shirt playing guitar is Lauren Conrad’s husband. LC became a punk rock princess and she didn’t even know it. Only down side to this vid is all the feet action. I could def do without that.

1a. If You C Jordan

I added this one because the music video itself is gr8. It’s the classic, I’m going to get famous and write a song about that d-bag I’ve always hated. The crew singing about how much they hate Jordan over the loudspeaker while biddies in Catholic school uniforms drool all over them was perfect. (Keep your eyes peeled for a young Minka Kelly) Also if someone ever sang that I would always be a little red-head bitch in a song I would literally change my name and go into hiding. Supes embarrassing. Bonus points for the Andrew McMahon piano stomp at the end of this video. One of my favorite parts about seeing him live is watching him jump all over the keys like a BAMF.

2. The Mixed Tape

It’s no coincidence that the music video filmed on the set of One Tree Hill made the list. Peyton angry paints her bedroom and suddenly stumbles into a club where Andrew serenades her. Sigh, every teenage girl’s typical Friday night.

3. The Resolution

This was post kicking cancer’s ass, and therefore much of his music from this album reflected that. Except the music video was about mermaids and Andrew wearing a lot of facial bronzer. Stephanie Meyer actually directed this video mid-Twilight mania at a time when I was working at Wegmans and assessing if my customers were vampires or werewolves. 2008 was a spicy year for all of us, apparently.

4. Synesthesia

I’d like to personally thank Andrew for widening my vocabulary with this one. Never in a billion years would I know what this word means without the song, so essentially listening to his music makes me smarter. Also watching this particular video makes me wanna run around with my friends and throw colored chalk dusk into the air because that shit was cool.

He performed Synesthesia at the concert this past weekend and wanted to make it special so he busted out an old parachute from gym class days to spread out over the audience so we could all feel like children again. Except that parachute was my worst nightmare and made me feel like I was suffocating in a hot gym that smelled like the used sneakers they kept there in case someone forgot to wear theirs on gym day. It was a nice sentiment but I think I liked the visual better than actually being shoved under a parachute by sweaty adults at the House of Blues.

5. Cecilia And The Satellite

Full circle. We went from teen Andrew to dad Andrew. Whoa. Shit just got real, real quick. He wrote this song for his daughter and it’s probably the most adorable thing ever. My dad wrote educational songs about books and technology, little Cecilia’s dad wrote a song about how she’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him and now it’s being played on the radio regularly. Same thing, really. Srsly though, could this little nugget be any cuter?

Lucky to look after this wild one

A photo posted by Andrew McMahon (@amnthewilderness) on

 

And just because…

Konstantine

At least I’m not the asshole who shouts it for an entire concert. (And yes, there is one every time.)

Version 2

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Music, Television, Uncategorized

AMA’s 2015 Recap

I gave this show a LOT of shit last year because Pitbull, obviously. Fortunately for everyone, Mr. Worldwide must’ve had prior commitments to wear white capris elsewhere and didn’t even show last night. (Along with Taylor Swift, Calvin Harris, Miranda Lambert, JT, Beyonce…etc. But whose really keeping track?)  No but actually, it appears the only attendees of last night’s awards show were fans who paid thousands of dollars to go, and the handful of winners/performers. I still found ways to laugh at the 10 celebs that were there though…so let’s dive in.

No, Thank You:

-The intro begins with JLo ruining Waiting For Tonight by singing a slowed down, sexed up version in a furry Navajo jacket surrounded by offensively dressed Indians(?) Then she declares it’s not about her (or the decision to wear these costumes) and shakes dat ass with the Redskins to a medley of nominated songs. At one point the furs are shed and what’s left is a bunch of nude body suits with target tattoos located on the dancers’ vaginas. You know, real classy stuff. THIS LASTED 8 MINUTES.

-Prince doesn’t go anywhere without his axe. Or his third eye.

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-If I wanted to see fans sing the wrong words at a concert, I’d go to one. Celebs were sitting like 20 rows back and the audience cam continuously panned to boring strangers. Tay and the seat dancing squad was SORELY missed. (Hailee Steinfeld tried to pick up the slack and came up real short.)

-Selena looked FAB during her performance, unfortunately I can’t say the same for her vocals. Or her backup dancers who looked like knockoff Magic Mikes with Aladdin pants.

selenaperformance

 

-Hey you know that shitty song that turned a singer into a verb for doing it? Well Charlie Puth sang it terribly then Marvin Gayed Meghan Trainor onstage and we all had to watch uncomfortably while they got it on.

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-FGL can’t go anywhere without wearing something outrageous and last night didn’t disappoint. The pilgrim hat meets the fivehead. Seriously though, it’s in Tyler’s best interest to start styling his receding hairline differently.

FGL

-There was a real extreme close-up of Nick Jonas’s mouth while he was singing and it was disappointing to learn that he has barf.com teeth, therefore taking him down a peg or two on the hot scale. Mouth closed, shirt off from now on, pls.

-Coldplay + DANCING GORILLAS. Hey, guys, you sing soulful power melodies…you’re not the Grateful Dead tripping acid onstage. Stop scarin us.

coldplay

-JLo progressively gets more and more naked as the night goes on and after seeing this number below, I predicted that she would close out the show in pasties.

jlosheer

-Even though Karen Fairchild was wearing F. Me boots, it didn’t distract me enough from the GARBAGE song she sang with Luke Bryan that was essentially the country version of “Lemme Take a Selfie”

karenfairchild

 

-The HIGHLY ANTICIPATED Clueless reunion was really just Alicia Silverstone and Jeremy Sisto introducing Gwen Stefani. Way to really oversell that one.

clueless

Yes, Please:

-1D’s array of mid-show fashion. Liam’s red vest. Niall’s lace shirt. HARRY’S flower bolo, flared leisure suit and SPARKLE BOOTS.

1D

-Stars they’re just like us! JLo has the greasiest of hair after her 8 minutes of dancing in culturally insensitive garb to the point where they definitely were forced to wash her hair during a commercial break.

jlorobe

-Frankie Grande was like Ariana who? and made himself the centerpiece of the show from the third row. He was closer to the stage than any celebrity and he made sure we all knew it. He dances in the aisle, bops around and at one point when the camera pans to Nonna Grande, Frankie jumps right in front of her. Nona doesn’t deserve fame like Frankie does.

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-R.I.P Meek Mill. He was being DESTROYED on social media all night and then Nicki went and thanked Drake before him in her acceptance speech. Bye, Meek.

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-Nick Jonas changes things up with a church choir singing Jealous (and a lickworthy drum solo).

-While Macklemore did some slam poetry about medicine next to a guy with the skinniest tie I’ve ever seen, the audience was preetttyy unsure of how to groove, resulting in the funniest new dance move of the night: white guy jazz hands.

mack

-Alanis has still got it 20 years later! Shit. Demi and her teamed up to growl about Dave Coulier and it was fabulous. Alanis hasn’t missed a beat since the 90’s.

alanisdemi

-Celine sings a tribute to Paris in a beautiful gown. Not to take anything away from the lovely performance but I miss Celine. A lot. And I’d like to petition for her to perform “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” at the next awards show because I know it would be electric. All in favor say “I finished crying in the instant that you left.”

celine

-I hate Bieber with the fire of a thousand suns but I know when it’s time to respect the fact that it’s his world and he knows it. He did “Sorry” splash waterfalls style and literally lip-synced right in everyone’s grillpiece in wet jeans that I can only assume resulted in chafing.

biebs

 

Winners:

Soul/R&B Album- The Weeknd

Pop/Rock Duo or Group- One Direction

Country Male- Luke Bryan

Soundtrack- Pitch Perfect 2

R&B/Hip-Hop Album- Nicki Minaj “The Pinkprint”

New Artist of the Year- Sam Hunt

Pop/Rock Female- Ariana Grande

Country Female- Carrie Underwood

Collaboration of the Year- Justin Bieber Skrillex & Diplo

Alternative Artist- Fallout Boy

Rap/Hip-Hop Artist- Nicki Minaj

Soul/ R&B Male- The Weeknd

Artist of the Year- One Direction

 

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Red Carpet, Uncategorized

AMA’s 2015 Red Carpet

I guess E! is just as excited to jumpstart awards season as I am because they started red carpet coverage at dinner time. Giuliana was unbearable interviewing actual celebrities so I can’t even begin to imagine what the first hour of the red carpet was like when nobody was there. Especially since her riveting line of questions included “what’s the difference between American girls and Australian girls, no bullshit answer.” Leave it to G to ask the hard-hitting Q’s. We only have more of that to look forward to in the coming winter months.

WORST:

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This is Tove Lo and it’s possible she had the worst dress of the night. When asked about it she said all the important parts are on display. Thank you for showing us your pikachu and rack, Tove. Here in America we don’t love that.

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BARRETTES. CHLOE GRACE MORETZ IS WEARING BARRETTES AND A BLACK CHOKER.

kyliejenner

Sucks that you have to walk the red carpet with your supermodel sister but like wearing dominatrix leather only made things worse.

paulaabdul

PAULA. You’re 53! I do NOT want to see your RB curts.

rebel

There has got to be a better way for Rebel to dress for her body type than this trash bag.

frankiegrande

What a subdued outfit for such a shy personality.

jennymccarthy

I have no words.

christinamilian

OMG Slutty Cindy Lou Who!

juliannehough

Not only is this impractical because every time she walks she flashes everyone AND her 90’s platforms make her travel at a snail’s pace, but it’s also butt ugly.

haileesteinfeld

I feel like this is a real front and back wedgie sitch waiting to happen.

ashleybenson

Ashley Benson is ready to take on a job interview.

biebs

Leave it to Biebs to wear a tee of a band he knows nothing about with some ripped jeans like a punk.

demi

The dress isn’t the worst thing in the world but this vamp hair/makeup is killing me.

gwen

Gwen has transformed into a skanky black butterfly!

giulianarancic

mEh.

danicamckellar

This is a prom dress. 100%.

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HARRY. Gawd. This suit. Also, trim those locks.

BEST:

selena

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This isn’t my favorite Selena look but she’s still pulling it off.

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3 out of 4 in 1D dressed like suave gentlemen and I commend them for that.

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Kelsea Ballerini showing off tasteful cleavage–take notes, Christina Milian.

wilmervalderrama

Wilmer would’ve upstaged Demi if they posed togets.

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Charlie Puth keeping things spicy in a red suit.

COULD be a longer frock, but Kendall never really looks bad, especially when she stands next to Kylie.

lukebryan

Can always count on Luke to look droolworthy. His wife’s alright, I guess.

hannahdavis

I don’t LOVE this but it’s not horrendous enough to hit the worst dressed. Something weird’s happening around her boob region and I don’t know that Jeets would approve.

meghantrainor

Kinda hard to mess anything up with a plain black dress

nickjonas

Turtleneck CHIC.

5sos

I wanted to post this picture because it made me laugh out loud. The lead singer/guy HAMMING in the white shirt is clearly the hottest group member and he knows it. The one on the right is trying, but can’t compete with white shirt’s natural sex appeal.

ciara

Ciara wore this scandalous dress showing off her hot bod to be STUCK in the T-mobile corner for the entire show.

carrie

I can get down with a little cape from time to time. I think Carrie’s rockin it.

gigi

I went back and forth on this one for a while. On the one hand this is a whole lot. On the other hand Gigi has the perfect model bod and looks smokin hot.

zendaya

Congrats to Zendaya who made the best dressed list for dressing the most normal she’s ever dressed. She’s going all Lilly Pulitzer on us.

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/16/15

1. David Beckham is the Sexiest Man Alive…and I approve wholeheartedly.

Last year I was fresh on the blog scene and I wrote a scathing disapproval of People’s choice. I stand by it 100% to this day but I have also never hidden my love for Becks and therefore I support him taking the W this year. The Beckham family is legit one of the most attractive families on this earth. The kids won the genetic lottery and David defines DiLF. I’m actually shocked that he hasn’t won the title yet…I can only hope that the people over the past 20 years who never chose him have subsequently been fired for their poor decision making. Anyway, if you want to watch the original unveiling via Jimmy Kimmel and laugh at how long it took his live audience to guess the man, please see below.

2. Charlie Sheen is no longer winning.

charliesheen

So…yiiiiiikes. Charlie Sheen announced this week on the Today Show that he’s HIV positive. I mean, something tells me that when you publicly go off the rails, bang a bunch of hookers and do a bunch of drugs, you MIGHT catch a waft of the ole HIV. I bet he probably regrets being a real asshole to the world and yapping about how he had tiger blood running through his veins. Hindsight is 20/20. You know what’s bananas? I’ve been doing transcription of interviews about HIV and Hep C and I learned something new. Surprising, right? You probably thought I knew everything. But anyway, you can contract Hep C from sharing a toothbrush. A TOOTHBRUSH.

All this HIV talk has also sent me down memory lane to high school when Dan Davis, HIV positive motivational speaker came to my high school and scared the SHIT out of a bunch of kids whose idea of going crazy was stealing some of mom’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade and swigging them in the basement–not doing intravenous drugs. Obviously times have changed now, but in like 2004, a guy with a ponytail telling you that he could wipe a drop of blood on the seat in front of you and twenty years later someone could touch it and get infected was absolutely terrifying. He scared well. WHAT A DAD. (That very long sidebar was for the benefit of my fellow FM’ers..I also found a very ratchet video, should you want to hear his famous line IRL, FF to 31:36 here )

3. No Soup for you.

joel

After 22 seasons, (SHIT!) Joel McHale’s version of The Soup has been cancelled and the last episode will air December 18th. I’ve never actually popped a bag of popcorn and sat down to watch The Soup every Friday (?) night–I’m guessing no one else did either and that’s why it’s getting cancelled, but any time I happened to catch it on TV it was hilarious. There’s something about a network full of Kardashians allowing a man to eviscerate them for how stupid they are that brings a smile to my face. Joel’s mockery of foreign soap operas, The Bachelor, trashy MTV shows and his own network will absolutely be missed. Now that there’s no one to keep E! in check, I’m assuming the Kardashians will buy it.

4. Merry Christmas from SNL.

amytina

Santa will be coming early this year in the form of SNL hosts. Ryan Gosling will be hosting on December 5th, allowing us to drool a little extra over him since he’s casually been in hiding since the birth of his child. And the holiday episode right before Christmas on Dec 19th will be hosted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Hallelujah, Christ is born. Obviously this will feature the comeback of many old school SNL peeps because ratings, and I wouldn’t be surprised if JT snuck in there. Jus sayin. Set your DVRs.

5. First look at Ben the Bachelor.

The Bachelor released their trailer for the upcoming season with Ben Higgins, one of the most boring contestants I ever had to watch. He better spice it up for his own season. Although judging from this trailer, it looks like the producers took that job into their hands by delivering him twins. Ew times a thousand, ABC. Be grosser. The 1, 2 debut of identical twins from the limo was so tacky that I half expected Ben to say hubba, hubba. “Group hug?” wasn’t much better. As always I will be recapping the mayhem and possible fantasy suite twin threesome so stay tuned for THAT.

BONUS: They finally turned my life into a movie.

 

DOUBLE BONUS: Joseph Gordon-Levitt DID the damn thing as Janet Jackson. That choreography. Whoa.

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Nashville, Television, Uncategorized

Nashville- “Unguarded Moments”

blondemaddie

I forgot for a while how much I hated Maddie. She was still acting like a whiny teenage turd but she was doing it by having rebellious sex and hitting the stage instead of throwing huffy tantrums and crying about how life was unfair. But alas, Maddie the insufferable teen is back and dominates last night’s episode. She kicks things off by sending a selfie to her boyfriend (I’m assuming) followed by, “I’m blonde now, do you like it?” This is how Maddie sexts…from her little sister’s phone. EDGY. Also, wasn’t she always blonde? I’m not really seeing the difference.

Colt probably wasn’t very jazzed about his maybe girlfriend’s hair being lightened by a shade because he’s now in therapy. Ya know, cause he witnessed a death and his dad is a real d-bag lately. Seriously what’s the deal with Luke? He kinda sucks now. And how did Colt get stuck with his shitty parenting? Where are the other woodland creatures that he calls children…I feel like they got the better end of the deal in that they dodged watching a man tumble to his messy death. Regardless, Colt “doesn’t need Kid Rock or a therapist, he needs a dad who gives a crap about telling the truth.” BOOM. (My dad really wanted me to add a boom after that line. All boom credit goes to him.) But actually, Kid Rock? Really? The guy who ripped the riff from Sweet Home Alabama for a shitty summer country song is going to chit chat with Colt about hip hop? Be better, Luke.

Luke doesn’t try that hard to be better when he cries about how everything is his fault (it kinda is) and Gabriella kisses the pain away without being fired first this time. I guess they’ve decided to be together and like still focus on work too. He confesses to Colt so there are no secrets (except for the massive one he’s keeping about Jeff not actually committing suicide.) Colt’s like no shit, I know everything.

Rayna doesn’t really know anything because she’s been in the studio with Markus for like 2 full days while Deacon plays Mr. Mom to her little freshly bleached Satan. Something tells me Deacon is not really loving the whole parenting thing because he run, run, runs as fast as he can to that shitty bar to be named after his dead sis. To be clear, the bar is still a dumb story line that deserves no words and it’s starting to look like his friend and former sponsor Frankie is getting less and less jazzed about Deacon only paying halfsies and going demolition derby on the bar five minutes after buying in.

While Deacon is avoiding his home life by ripping dry wall, Scarlett is on the road and avoiding the fact that she has the most boring relationship in the world. How much longer are we going to put up with this? She had the dramatic hair change and now she needs to shed the high school boyfriend while she’s off at college, or in this case, on tour. They finally catch each other on the phone so that Caleb can pull the “I’m treating kids with cancer” card. Hey Caleb, youse a dick. Go away foreva.

Maybe he can join Erin the roadie when he leaves and finally allows Gunnar and Scarlett to be together so we stop getting this dumb musical sexual tension. As you might have guessed, the arrangement of keeping work and play separate is going swimmingly in that the second Gunnar gets a hotel for the night, play with Erin becomes priority. Due to the fact that little miss roadie prepped for the show by blowing Gunnar, she blows a fuse mid-show and ruins everything. That is, until Gunnar & Scarlett recover smoothly with an acoustic version lit by cell phones. The most unrealistic thing about this was that they didn’t end up blind after this song. I can’t see for 5 minutes after someone takes a picture with flash, I can’t imagine a small theater full of iphone lights burning my retinas. Anyway, thankfully Gunnar grows a set and tells Erin she needs to kick rocks because she clearly sucks at her job. She says she’ll take some pointers about running a soundboard and also will keep getting porked. UGH.

Double UGH to the breakup boys, Avery and Will. Avery is now recording commercial jingles and his life is pretty pathetic. He gossips about Will on the phone with Emily and they really need to stop trying so hard to make Avery and Emily seem like gal pals. She’s the babysitter, enough is enough. It turns out Will has been channeling his inner Taylor Swift, holed up in his bedroom writing breakup songs. This seems like a weird thing to hide so ferociously in Nashville, the songwriting capital of the world. He begrudgingly lets Avery perform one at the Bluebird but big-time shits his pants and leaves before the song. He really misses out too because Avery sheds some tears remembering when Juliette wasn’t a walking bottle of Vodka and in turn, a random blonde in the audience ALSO turns on the waterworks. Who cries at a concert?

Will gets an offer for his first written song that he thought was garbage, naturally, which is the opposite of Maddie’s sitch. She thinks she’s the greatest 16-year-old singer since JoJo and overhears that Sony wants to offer her a record deal but Rayna is like not so fast. YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE MOM GAWDDDDDD!!!!-Me, when my parents told me I couldn’t go to a sleepover or get the latest graphic tee from Abercrombie & Fitch…also Maddie when her mom won’t let her sign a record deal with Sony. Potato, Potahto.

Rayna has a heart to heart with Markus about her kids wanting to get into the biz and he’s NOT a dick for once. It’s great. Then it moves to the couch and gets more intimate and I bet my dad that he tries to hook up with her. I know studio Rayna, and I also know that this show has a real hard time letting two people have a private conversation that doesn’t end in macking. He grabs her hand and the sexual tension is through the roof. They didn’t end up making out but Markus TOTES wanted it, so in due time, I will win this bet. (The seed is planted, so to speak, when Deacon and Rayna do the deed later and Deacon rolls over post-romp to find a text from Markus thanking Rayna for the good talk. Deacon is about to become a green-eyed jelly belly. ALSO we NEVER get to see Rayna have sex anymore. So spicy!)

Maddie tries to tell Daphne that she got the record deal because she’s an adult now and just on another level. I guess I missed the part in society where becoming a sophomore in high school makes you an adult. Das cute, Mads. Daphne is like nobody wants me and runs away crying. Apparently the force of bully Maddie also extends to her father because Deacon has literally been avoiding the house because he thinks Maddie hates him. What a wiener. In the end they call a family meeting to tell the girls they can sign to Highway 65 as a team only. As expected, Maddie’s like this is lame and I hate everything and squashes all of Daphne’s childlike excitement about having a record deal before she gets her first period. In next week’s episode, Maddie turns into the Hulk and eats her entire family because they’re all trying to stop her from being a mature adult superstar.

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