Tag Archives: JLo

JUice

Weekly JUice – Sept 27, 2024

I know how ridiculous of me it was to be like the JUIce is back, bitches! And then immediately take a week off. In my defense, I had planned on doing one last week but then I came back from NYC on Thursday and had fresh guests arriving Friday at noon. So realistically, my social calendar didn’t allow for it. And I actually was bummed because it seems like now that I’m JUicing again, the celeb headlines are coming hot & heavy. So forgive me if I dip into last week’s news as well, or report on some ongoing goss because I’m literally bursting with opinions.

1. N*SYNC IS SO BACK.

If you know me off the blog, you know I’ve been rumbling about this for an entire year now. Refer to this tweet for proof:

Is my dad forever a #GirlDad of boyband crazy teens or forever being shamed for the time he got us tickets to the N*SYNC celebrity tour then took them away from us for “bad behavior” and took my oldest sister and her two stupid friends instead. Dad, if you’re reading this, you can make it up to me and Nikki by emptying your life savings into tix to this tour and a M&G. Put that Amex to WERK. (Let the records show that we berated him back then too and he did eventually buy another round of tickets but THAT MEANS MY OLDEST SISTER GOT TO SEE THEM TWICE AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN REALLY LIKE THEM.) #NEVERFORGET.

We’re Ready.

AnYwAy…a year ago TikTok was buzzin with an N*SYNC reunion…then in total breadcrumbing style they stretched it out all year long. In September we got the first N*SYNC tune in FOREVA called Better Place. INSTANT banger but also made for a Trolls movie. Then JT releases new music and announces an album. Album drops in March and there’s another N*SYNC song on it. It kinda sucks. It’s slow and about being old but still being gr8. It’s certainly no “Gone.” Then in promo for his album and pending tour, they reunite onstage for one of his private free ticket pop-up shows in LA. Not for nothing, but I tried to get ticcies to his show in NYC and I’m fully convinced the tickets were exclusively for rich people and Tok influencers because he just wanted buzz for his first album in 6 years. The album sucks…go figure. The N*SYNC chatter dies down because JT has taken center stage as a solo act again and just used them as a gimmick and to tease people. Karma came back around for that selfish lil bitch when he caught a DUI in the Hamptons. Luckily for me, he gave me “this is totally going to ruin the world tour,” which I freely used at every minor inconvenience all summer long. It didn’t ruin the tour…his shit album probably did. But never doubt the powers of a famous person, he got off with only one request: issue a public apology. This was his “apology” where he no less than 10 times not so subtly referenced only having one drink, making it seem like he was unjustly charged. Mmk, babe. Cut to this week, where Lance is verbally confirming to every news outlet that they’re working on something.

EVERYONE BE COOL. It’s happening. And honestly not a minute too soon because I just recently saw JC in a Meow Mix commercial and Chris Kirkpatrick has been emcee’ing 90’s pop tours with reject boy banders at deserted shopping malls. When I alerted my sister to the breaking news, she immediately crushed my dreams by stating the obvious…these tickets will be harder to obtain than The Eras Tour. And as someone who lost years of her life trying to go to the Eras Tour, that’s NOT music to my dang dong ears. Also, clearly a pub stunt for JT who continues to look like a selfish dick over and over again. Honestly, not even mad about that but if Ticketmaster fucks this up, THIS IS TOTALLY GOING TO RUIN THE WORLD TOUR.

2. Diddy Down.

I almost yapped about this in my JUice comeback a couple weeks ago but honestly thought he’d get away with it again and didn’t want to draw any more attention to a rich dirtbag who will continue to be a rich dirtbag. But boy am I glad I waited because the jig is up, Puff. Last week Diddy was charged with racketeering conspiracy, sex trafficking, and transportation to engage in prostitution. He was peddling his typical “this is all false and people are just accusing me because they’re seeking money or fame” BS. And then BAM, he gets indicted and tossed in the slammer without bail until the hearing. HALLELUJAH! Let him ROT. Last spring is when the wheels started to really fall off for Diddy. After SEVERAL accusations and court cases of abuse that he seemed to shake off, an investigation from the feds started, he beat it out of the country and then his house was being raided. TONS of videos resurfaced of him being generally creepy and odd “we’ve just taken in this teenager into our family who has perfectly good parents but now she’s in our family” announcements from the past. The grand finale was a video of him beating the absolute snot out of Cassie in a hotel hallway from 2016. Cassie was his girlfriend for 11 years (and a singer on his label) who had also taken him to court for abuse in 2023 and as Diddy does, he denied it all and got away scot-free and this tape didn’t see the light of day until now. From what I’m gathering via the clips that I saw and interviews with other singers, it is a well-known secret that Diddy is an absolute scumbag and always has been. He doesn’t discriminate on gender, he’ll sexually assault anyone he feels like, and everyone for years has just let it happen and been like ope that’s just Puffy…his parties are crazy!!

So obviously, F this guy and anyone who looked the other way or joined in on his crimes like most of his staff did. The raid of his house in March resulted in the feds finding guns, drugs, and more than 1,000 bottles of lube. MORE THAN ONE THOUSAND BOTTLES. Honestly that alone is proof that he’s raping errebody. You lube up for butt stuff or when the recipient IS NOT A WILLING PARTICIPANT (or they’re a dried up ole cactus, but let’s be real here, that’s not on the table with a famous rapper.) His lawyer claims he had that much lube because American’s buy in bulk…I’ll just let that sit there. Costco has already made a statement that they don’t sell baby oil. Anywho, the second Diddy realized they weren’t wavering and letting him out on bail, he was put on suicide watch because of course. And my favorite two cents, Suge Knight made a statement that someone will probably hurt Diddy in prison “to make a name for themself.” Thank God he spoke out because I was really DYING for a murderer’s opinion on a serial rapist and sex trafficker. One can only hope another prisoner gives Diddy a taste of his own medicine. Keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn’t weasel his way into an innocent ruling from this trial and that the music industry creeps start falling like dominoes in a revival of #MeToo. PS: items 1 & 2 colliding 😮

3. Tree Hill Divided.

*NICHE* audience alert. If you didn’t watch 9 seasons of this teen soap, you’re not gonna give an F about this dramz. Unless, like me, you gobble up any sort of drama even if you know nothing about it. In which case, I’ll give you the cliff-notes of this tea to catch you up to speed. One Tree Hill was a teen show in the age of The OC and Gossip Girl where high school meant pregnancies and shootings and banging your teacher. As previously reported by The Salty Ju, One Tree Hill was the first show to band together and do a takedown of their creator in the #MeToo era. They outed Marc Schwann for not only being an inappropriate and abusive pig, but also for pitting them all against each other and creating a feeling on set that it was every WOman for himHERself. In an effort to take back the show, the three leads created a re-watch podcast a few years back and they’ve been podcasting each episode, serving BTS goss that further implicates the gross environment happening while they filmed. It’s juicy and obviously I haven’t missed an epi. Well, all was grand with that until this past year when it became very clear that Hilarie Burton and Bethany Joy were beefing. Some snarky things were posted, social media accounts were blocked, and podcast episodes were starting to miss one or the other until July when it was announced that Hilarie was off the pod and Robert Buckley would be taking her place. On a podcast called Drama Queens, which has been HEAVILY feminist and “take back our sisterhood, f*ck the man” vibes. Listeners were like WTF, rightfully so. And right around when that happened, news dropped of an OTH reboot in the works at Netflix led by none other than Sophia Bush, Hilarie Burton, Danneel Harris, & Bevin Prince.

And it became VERY clear that this “inclusive” remake was actually just the girls who are still besties working on something and leaving out who they don’t want around. Joy has had no association with this announcement, hasn’t commented on anything, and it’s become glaringly obvious that they mean girled her out of it. I mean, Sophia is on a weekly podcast with her and cut her out of the deal. That’s some bullshit right there. A few weeks went by and Chad Michael Murray confirmed he’s not involved (not shocking considering him and Sophia rarely cross paths if they can help it.) Then Joy teased an announcement and it ended up being an interview/reunion with James for her magazine that she apparently has. And this week they each gave interviews saying they know nothing about this reboot AKA they weren’t invited. This past week we got another glimpse of the house divided when Shantel VanSanten (Quinn) gave a podcast interview where she said she heard about the reboot in the news along with everyone else and would only consider participating “if it was about fairness and inclusivity.” BAM. Real rich of Hilarie and Sophia to be on their high horses parading through the streets for women’s rights and being treated with kindness and it turns out they’re just a couple of bullies. Hilarie also gave an interview this week and said, “What I can say is that this go-around, being able to work with a team of women and look at these stories [and] these characters through a female lens is something that — whether I was doing a reboot or a brand-new show or a different movie at this phase in my life, female teamwork is something that is so vital to me,” Burton said. “It is the core of anything I’ve done that’s successful. So I’m excited to be able to team up with people that I look up to, people that I love dearly.” If I was Joy I’d be middle fingers up posting a takedown of this bullshit.

To further hammer the point home, there was a big reunion convention this past weekend and Sophia only posted pictures with the same cast members, Danneel wore a blinged belt that said producer (as she’s an EP with Sophia and Hilarie on the reboot) and Joy and James were nowhere to be found in any of their postings. Not putting out inclusive vibes, GIRLEEZZEEEE!

4. Child Star.

I did the Lord’s work and watched this so you don’t have to. It was a SUPER random mixture of child stars, half of whom I’ve never felt the need to hear from again, and here are some of my hard-hitting thoughts in bullet form (because of course I took notes.)

  • Before we get into the movie, I have a bone to pick with Hulu, who just sent a casual alert that they’ll be raising their price, who I already pay $80 a month to for live TV, and we can’t get through a feature film without them serving me 100 commercials. THAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.
  • Onto my overall hot take on this film…it doesn’t know what it wants to be. Demi clearly wanted to talk about her own life and story…which she’s done now in 2 separate docs so it really wasn’t necessary, and she definitely wants to promote her new music, but she’s doing it under the guise of interviewing other child stars. We really didn’t need her hands in this because then we could’ve heard these other stars stories without Demi overshadowing or one-upping their trauma. When Kenan and Raven are like yikes, bitch your life was crazy, you know it’s time to stop putting your two cents in and let them just share their truths. On top of this weird ‘she’s interviewing people while also being interviewed back by them’ dynamic, there’s parts about legislation and appearances from reporters and people lobbying for rights and flashbacks to Shirley Temple and more than once I was like what are we watching here? Pick a story to tell.
  • Kenan wore sunglasses for his entire interview and it was suuuuuuuch a douche move.
  • Drew Barrymore used to get high at 10 with her mom’s friend. Coming from someone who has never gotten high, I quite literally gasped at that.
  • JoJo Siwa posts 250-300 posts a day on Snapchat. I mean…💀💀💀
  • It felt a little tacky to be skirting the entire topic of abuse of child actors hot off the heels of that Nickelodeon doc. Sure, they all (except Kenan) brushed upon struggles that they had with addiction or eating disorders, but now that we’ve seen how Nick was operating at that time–which btw Kenan claims he never witnessed, I have to imagine Disney had similarities and to not touch on that was odd.
  • The credits rolled, I saw Scooter Braun was a producer and I shouted OH FUCK THIS on my couch to no one. Discredited the whole thing.

Guh’ head and skip this one…but NGL, the Demi song slapped, as her music always does.

5. ARE YA IN OR ARE YA OUT, JEN?!

Again, a carry-over from last week, but still on-going news. Ben and Jen were out in Hollywood and although they looked like they wanted to murder each other in paps photos as they always do, many sources reported them canoodling inside all day long. And it’s like FIGURE IT OUT, GUYS. Are you going to keep peddling this fate brought us back together love story? Or are you going to be real (LISTEN TO YOUR OWN LYRICS, JLO) and admit the reunion was fun for like 6 months of banging and then you realized you’re wildly incompatible. Ben wants to stay out of the spotlight, rip ciggs and mainline Dunks. Jen wants attention 24/7 and will literally never stop grinding in movies and music. THE JIG IS UP. This past week Jenny from the Block uploaded a selfie with a necklace that says Ben and it was immediately taken down like OOPSIE that wasn’t supposed to be posted! OK WELL ARE YOU TWO GETTING DIVORCED OR NAH? Cut the shit.

BONUS: Hoda announced she’s leaving the Today Show

Apparently everyone on the show was shocked by this news, but an article mentioned that her daughter has some health problems and it kinda seems like a no brainer that as a single mom, she’s spending QT with her kids, especially if one needs more attention. She’s an icon, and I used to love the Hoda & Kathie Lee era of guzzlin wine and babbling nonsense. I find Jenna Bush Hager to be incredibly screechy, so can’t say I’ve dabbled since Kath left, but Hodesters will be missed. Also an excuse to post one of my favorite SNL repeating sketches that was honestly v accurate of how KLG and Hodes interacted on the daily.

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JUice

Weekly JUice – Sept 13, 2024

IT’S BAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAACK! The last time I JUiced was Sept 7th, 2021. WOW. I took three years off from rounding up the celeb headlines each week and gettin real mouthy about them. Honestly, for a while it felt like we were hearing more about Z-list reality TV drama in the goss rags than actual celebs. And The Salty Ju doesn’t perpetuate that shit. I wanna talk high-class divorces like Bennifer, not what the cast of Little People, Big World buy at the Piggly Wiggly. Lately, we’ve been getting some big juicy stories and I cannot keep a muzzle on it. I GOTTA SHOUT MY HOT TAKES INTO THE VOID. MAMA NEEDS HER JUice!

1. Nikki Bella Files for Divorce.

BIG Bella Twins stan here. I used to live for their reality show, I read their memoir, and perhaps took it a *little* too personally when Nikki called off the wedding with John Cena. John went on to marry a Nikki clone, proving he certainly has a type, and Nikki rebounded with Artem, formerly her DWTS partner. The early days of their romance played out on their TV show and as I watched her express doubts about him or if she was even over calling off a wedding to a man she had been with for YEARS like the week it was supposed to go down…I had a strong notion this wasn’t a forever coupling. Then she got preggers as celebs tend to do, and obviously they gave it a real shot and even ended up televising their wedding, which TBH, when I watched that I still was like SHOULD THESE TWO MAKE THIS OFFICIAL?! But everything has been all roses on social media, much like this anniversary post just a couple weeks ago: (I imagine this will be removed in the near future but I couldn’t screenshot because it’s a video so enjoy it while you can.)

Well, that love story came to a crashing halt three days after this post when Artem was arrested for domestic violence. Not many deets were released and neither Artem or Nikki addressed it publicly, but I read somewhere that he was actually the one who called 911 and claimed she threw a shoe at him, and then when cops showed up it was clear who had injuries and who didn’t. Since the arrest, Nikki hosted a hot dog eating competition on Netflix without her ring, and OBVIOUSLY former dancing partners of Artem have noted that he was aggressive or said weird shit that maybe pointed in the direction of him being a dirtbag. BIG YIKES. Not that I feel good about any of this, but I’ll be a nosy nelly til I’m 6 ft under, especially with celebs I’ve ridden so hard for, and I’ve been TUNED IN trying to get more info on the sitch. Did I think they would last? Absolutely not. But did I think she was a victim of DV? Never. I mean, that’s 1/2 of the Bella Twins, a WWE wrestler. HOW YOU GONNA SMACK THAT AROUND?! Credit to her for dropping the divorce hammer almost immediately. She filed this week citing the date of separation as the day of the arrest and I was shocked. I thought for sure they’d do trial separation or try to work things out, but as my sister so perfectly put it: “When the whole world knows your husband beats you and you were a WWE star you better file QUICK.” More power to her! We are FIRMLY Team Nikki. FINISH HIM.

2. There Goes My Hero.

When I tell you I CACKLED when this news dropped. You mean to tell me that the lead singer of a rock band that’s been regularly touring for literal decades CHEATS ON HIS WIFE?! I mean good lord, how is this news?! Musicians and athletes have been spreading their seed since the dawn of time. But apparently people are shocked by this. Here’s Dave’s official statement on the matter:

Love the “born outside of my marriage” terminology like it’s the Puritan era. Wherefore art thou condoms, Dave? Dave’s kids are grown so first and foremost let’s send some T’s and P’s to him for having to start over with “raising” a child. I’m not naive enough to think that he’ll do any of the raising, but I imagine if you’re going to go public with this and stir shit up, he at least intends to be a part of this baby’s life and probably section off a portion of his riches for child support. If I had to crystal ball the future here, I’d say wifey sticks with him. In fact, I’d be surprised if she doesn’t. When you marry a rockstar, you HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SIGNING UP FOR. She made that choice and will probably continue to make it and look the other way when he tours his wiener all over the globe for years to cum.

3. RIP to a LEGEND.

RIP to my childhood, more like it. James Earl Jones was THE voice. I mean, when Lion King is one of the first movies you remember watching as a child, you’re never going to forget the iconic voice of Mufasa. Or the scene where he’s brutally murdered in a stampede ordered by his brother in front of his infant son. THANKS FOR THAT TRAUMA I NEVER ASKED FOR, DISNEY. Simba trying to get Mufasa to wake up is a horror that is seared into my brain for life. FU SCAR. But literally, we went from the WISE words and guiding hand of Mufasa from beyond death to the owner of THE BEAST in the Sandlot, to the writer who tells Ray that PEOPLE WILL COME. (I realize in the order of things, that movie was made first, but I wasn’t old enough to watch it so I went in chronological order for MY childhood est.1991.) Also, sorry I wasn’t a Star Wars girlie, but I know him being Darth was a BFD too. I love that he lived a long life, but also I’m in my feels about this one. Let’s be in our feels together and watch a supercut of the greatest voice of all time. Legends never die.

4. It Ends with Blake Being Upset.

Kinda old news, but this week this headline surfaced on People.com: Blake Lively Was ‘Upset’ by It Ends With Us Drama: ‘It Felt Very Out of Control to Her’ (Exclusive). YA THINK? So here’s the scoop for anyone who has a penis and didn’t follow the Colleen Hoover DRAMZ that went down at the beginning of August. Colleen Hoover is all the rage right now with females because she writes juicy novels that bitches can’t stop reading. She’s tackled love stories, creepy thrillers, and complicated trauma. The latter is what got made into a movie first, but knowing how she churns out books and clearly sells out to Hollywood, this will be the first of MANY adaptations from Hoove-dawg. Movie was shot in Jersey City (WHADDUP JOYSEY), Blake is the lead and plays a victim of domestic violence, it was MUCH chatted about while filming because they made her look absolutely disgusting and wear some of the frumpiest outfits I’ve ever seen. Her co-lead and abusive boyf is played by Justin Baldoni, who also directed the film and owns the rights to this book and its sequel. As the press tour began, it became VERY clear that Justin was separated from the rest of the cast. Blake was exclusively doing press with the other male co-lead (spoiler alert he doesn’t beat her and therefore comes across as the far superior choice to end up with) and even at the premieres, pretty much no one interacted with Justin. Then he started getting soupy in interviews, laying it on thicc that Blake should direct the next film. Around that time it comes out that he fat-shamed Blake while filming (she had popped a baby out like 5 mins before starting this movie) and that he was aggressive and a dick to many of the cast and it was a not so nice work environment. THEN Justin hires the same PR person that Johnny Depp hired when he was being DRAGGED through the mud from his toxic dump of a relationship with Amber Heard and suddenly the press turns on Blake. For weeks we heard about how Blake wasn’t taking the themes of this movie seriously, resurfacing old interview clips where she comes across as a real mean girl, and suddenly Justin looks like roses and Hollywood has cancelled Blake, a woman and 1/2 of a power couple who they’ve quite literally slobbered over for years now. My, my, how the turn tables.

Now here’s my take. I think Justin sucks. Where there’s smoke there’s fire and if your entire cast and crew is basically isolating you on your own red carpet, you probably were a real doucheroni of a director and no one wants to associate with you. As much as I’ve had a raging boner for Blake for my entire adult life, I think she sucked at promoting this movie too. She was VERY into the florals and cutesy aspect of it, and she definitely leaned hard into marketing it like it was this adorable rom-com and not like it’s the unfolding of an abusive relationship from start to finish. She was all WEAR YOUR BEST FLORALS AND GRAB ALL YOUR GIRLIES AND HIT THE THEATERS TO SEE ATLAS THAT SWOONWORTHY MAN HUNK! Don’t believe me? Here’s my also swoonworthy man hunk husband to approve this message! We get it, babe. So really, no one was 100% crushing it here and more importantly for a movie that was shoved down our throats for basically a whole calendar year, it was out of theaters 3 weeks later. Tell me how that makes sense? You want people to go back to the movies so you can keep making bigger budget films, yet you only want them to come opening weekend? How about you give us a chance to get to the crusty ole theaters in the dead of summer when we’re all vacationing and beachin it up and cherishing the sun, which is about to go into hibernation for the next 7 months. You done goofed up because you lost ticket sales from the women in my family who all wanted to go together Labor Day Weekend with our wine. And we WOULD’VE bought the large popcorn too, so HA. In summary, everyone involved with this movie can suck it. I’m sure this won’t be the last time we hear about this mess, which I spent several weeks telling everyone was fabricated to get people talking about the movie, and honestly I would’ve respected it more if that turned out to be true.

5. CHOKE ON IT, BEN.

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Pop Culture

An Email to JLo Containing Unsolicited Relationship Advice

Editors Note: After JLo texted me the below video urging me to email her, I wrote this piece and submitted it to a pop culture satire site to be published. They accepted, said they would publish it in about a week. That was over a month ago. In light of the recent updates in JLo’s relashe status, I felt it was necessary to do a scooch of editing and fire it off myself. Cause yeah it’s nice to be validated by outside publishing, but also by the time they post this piece, JLo could be on her 7th engagement so time is clearly of the essence here. ENJOY.

Hey girl,

It’s me, the one (out of thousands) that you text when you’re on a marketing blitz or when you just want to say, “Merry Christmas, Baby” with a sparkle emoji. Recently you texted a video to your inner circle (me) that you want to create a community through email where you share your most personal news that you wouldn’t share on a talk show…#OnTheJLo. Although I feel humbled to be chosen as a part of your inner circle, I also have to be true to our close friendship and keep it 100 with you, like I would any other BFF. Typically when a close gal pal is acting out, I gently keep her in line with a passive aggressive text. If the behavior persists, I’m forced to stop liking her Instagram photos for a week to show that she’s on thin ice in our girl gang. That gets her attention REAL quick. Now that I’m someone you feel like you can confide in, I owe you the same respect. Except something tells me if your glam shot had one less like out of the 1.9 billion, your feathers wouldn’t be ruffled. I guess that means I’ll have to take a more tough love direct approach with you. Sliding right into your Yahoo inbox like the rest of your inner circle does without a doubt.

So I just have one question to start and that question is obviously WHY BEN? BBGurl, you are a QUEEN. You are on top of the world and still crushing it. You’re 52 years old with a body in peak physical condition. Your skin is flawless, your hair is shiny, you’re still touring, churning out bangers AND creating relatable rom coms. It’s like nothing can stop you, except of course, for the 250 pounds of dead weight on your arm with a cig in one hand and a Dunks icey in the other. When you started flaunting your reunion, I entered the first stage of grief and sat in denial that a total boss babe like you would ever take back her sloppy ex-fiancé from almost twenty years ago. I let it slide because nothing will get under a man’s skin more than moving on IMMEDIATELY from a relationship and I knew that ARod must’ve been seething from this revelation. It also seemed super charitable of you. Fake date Ben Affleck fresh off of a breakup and give that sad sack some good publicity after he got dumped by a total hottie and has been in and out of rehab. I thought, good for you Jen! Find a way to write this deed off in your taxes this year. (Do superstars pay taxes? You can get back to me on that.)

Except here we are almost a year later and y’all are still together. Not just still together. Y’ALL ARE NOW ENGAGED. We can no longer brush this off as a publicity stunt. It has now made the full transformation into a good ole fashioned bad decision. And listen booboo, we all make them, especially when it comes to love. Usually, if we make some bad moves in our twenties and thirties, it’s just called growing up. If you’re still making the same mistakes (cough cough 6 engagements) in your forties and fifties, it might be time to get a better therapist, girliecat. I know this may sound harsh but I gotta spill the tea…cuz I’m real—just like you taught me to be in your smash hit with Ja Rule circa 2001. You know what’s also real? The tattoo of a dragon that covers Ben’s *entire* back. Jen. Jenny. JLo. Be honest with yourself. Do you want to wake up 15 years from now spooning a wrinkly golden dragon back while stale cigarette smoke clings to the drapes in your bedroom? I don’t want to put words in your mouth but no you do not.

I’ll level with you here because I don’t want you to think I’m coming strictly from a place of judgment. I’m only coming at you from a place of experience. No, I’m not from the block. And no, I didn’t star in movies with my ex or plan a multi-million dollar wedding at risk of being mobbed by paparazzi. Lastly, I certainly didn’t have an adorable couple name like Bennifer seared into pop culture history. However, I know firsthand what it’s like to keep going back to a real slob kebab of an ex-boyfriend with some questionable ink who didn’t deserve me. I know what it feels like to want the comfort, nostalgia, and chemistry of an old flame. And yeah, it can be distracting when the whole world loses their damn minds because you two are canoodling on a yacht off the coast of Italy just like in the Jenny From the Block music video. But I gotta give you a peek into the future from a gal whose seen this film before and didn’t like the ending—it ain’t your fairytale, homegirl. It ain’t even one of your phenomenal blockbuster chick flicks from the early aughts. Your leading man isn’t Matthew McConaughey in The Wedding Planner. Your leading man is Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike. He’s seen some shit. He’ll drag you down.

And as you most recently said in your acceptance speech for the iHeartRadio Icon award, “Let me tell you something else, I am just getting started.” YEAH YOU ARE, BABY! Dump that trash into the Boston Harbor like he’s British East India Company tea and take an unburdened strut right toward world domination, you beautiful princess warrior with an ass that won’t quit. GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF. You got this. I believe in you. 

Love,

A Concerned Bestie

PS Shoot me a textie whenever you want to take a post-breakup tropical getaway with your inner circle because we all know a green diamond does not a lasting relationship make. I’ll be there with a beach bag packed and a pump it up playlist of your best sassy single jams when it all falls apart. 💋

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/26/2021

  1. Sit Down, Bennifer.

JLo turned 52 over the weekend and decided to gift the world with the very first public PDA declaration of Bennifer 2.0. And obviously I didn’t handle well. If you need a quick refresher on how I feel about this “relationship”, please rewind back to this rant. To be perfectly honest, a yacht smooch does not a legit relationship make. I’m still firmly in the camp that this is a whirlwind publicity stunt, but now that she’s gone IG official it appears as though we can no longer avoid this leap downward in the rebound dept for your girl. I mean LOOK AT THIS BODY. SHE IS FIFTY TWO. I just recently went on a quest to find a pair of relaxed fit jeans that don’t slice my gut in half and beelined it straight to the table labeled “mom jeans.” I’m thirty. JLO IS FIFTY TWO.

I’m ashamed to admit how much I watched that video in awe and adoration. She is a specimen. And she’s going back for sloppy Ben Affleck? COME ON. Do I appreciate the unlimited amount of internet jokes (highlighted below) that are coming from this reunion? Absolutely. But as her close personal friend, I believe that JLo can do a million trillion times better. If she had the common decency to text me the pic before posting it, I would’ve obviously been like bestie…don’t do it. Walk it back. Girls always like a little feedback before posting a bold pic and I just wish Jen came to me with this. Now that it’s out there, there’s no going back. Live it up on a yacht, have birthday sex, what have you, but when y’all go back to real life and you can’t party it up and you keep having to stare at that GIANT colored scorpion tat that covers Ben’s back as you spoon him (JLo is OBV big spoon) and you cannot possibly drink another damn Dunks icey…this rebound is going to crash and burn in epic fashion. And who’s gonna be there to put the pieces back together? Me, obviously. Shoot me a text and I’m there in a minute. I’ll awkwardly pet your ass on a yacht any day of the week and twice on Sunday gurl…while also shouting TOLD YA SO.

2. Dirty Birdies.

In news no one ever asked for, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis aren’t super into the whole bathing thing. Good ole Dax has the two on his podcast and they make a comment about how they only give their kids a bath if they can see dirt on them and it spiraled real quick to Ashton revealing that he only washes his pits & bits and occasionally his face if he’s hit the gym. DIIIIIIIIRTBAG alert! Coming from someone who openly picks her nose, that’s saying a lot. At least I clean myself on the reg. These two can be casj all they want about how they grew up without a lot of water or soap takes away natural oils or WuTeVa. They’re a coupla dirty hippies who probably reek of BO and that’s the bottom line. I typically give myself ONE day a week (may have exaggerated to a few days a week during Covid) where I do not shower. It’s usually Sunday and that’s why it was dubbed No-Shower-Sunday many moons ago, patent pending. I sit around and do almost nothing all day, sometimes if we’re getting really crazy, I’ll toss on a pair of fresh unds and hit the grocery store. At at the end of No-Shower-Sunday, without fail, I feel like Pigpen. I wonder if there’s squiggly lines on my face and clouds of dirt surrounding my body mid-air because that’s how disgusting I feel. That’s after 24 hours without a shower. CAN YOU IMAGINE just never washing your body? Like slapping a little soap into your crevaces and calling it a day? I wonder if their kids first words were “Whore’s Bath.” Clean it up, you two.

3. N*SYNC 4Eva.

Celebrity stands the test of time. Also this hit hard. This album is 20 years old, which means my one and only N*SYNC concert was roughly 20 years ago and AM I 100?! I love that JT released a deep cut BTS moment from the Gone music video. Pretty much sums up his leading lady existence with the band. They’re all hanging around on a music video set and he’s like hey guys pay attention to me and my beat boxing. I ate that shit right up though. What I didn’t love is everyone pretending Lance and JT were feuding because of this Tiktok:

JT commented on it and was like lolz you’ll understand when you have kids and Lance responded “touché” WOWOWOWOWOWOOOW FEUD OF THE CENTURY. Everyone shut up. The remaining members of N*SYNC are out here hustling for a paycheck doing Pop 2K tours at local bars and collabing with BSB on TikTok. They’re on a grind. They don’t have that JT money, honayyyyyy. LET THEM LIVE. Everyone is just getting their bread and if they occasionally need to call out JT for clout then so be it. Now enjoy that new hotness on the streets, BackSync.

@ajmcleanofficial

Back sync rehearsals last night. Little bts for y’all. Great night tonight. #pridemonth🏳️‍🌈 #trevorproject let’s go!!

♬ original sound – Alexander James
@lancebass

I know it’s #BoybandWars and all, but It’s only fair I share the BTS of a #BSB song also. And now I’m craving @burgerking! #BackSync #SyncStreet

♬ original sound – Lance Bass

4. Free Britney’s Nipples.

It appears as though #FreeBritney has gotten way out of hand. It started with a woman standing up for herself and ousting her grimy father from running her life and then Brit started to get REAL mouthy on Instagram calling family members out. And now here we are. Nip City: Population, Brit. The first photo (above) was posted and everyone was like YASS QUEEN FREE THE NIP GO OFF SIS TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FREEDOM AND LET DEM TITTIES HANG. And then four days later we got this:

And people were more like lol yes girl totes 😬 embrace it…and another two days go by and now we’re getting the nipz in vid form:

And the people have TURNED. Comments are suddenly like “I don’t think this is her posting it.” And honestly that’s the real conundrum here. Knowing that Britney Spears isn’t even allowed to drive or go see her gyno without her dad’s supervision, it is VERY unclear who runs her social media. Can we confidently say this is 100% authentic Britney flashing them milk bags on IG every few days? No we cannot. But if WE COULD, this is not helping her case. Which is also why it would be strategic as hell for whoever runs her account to make her look like she’s going off the rails again and shouldn’t be released from creep daddy Jamie’s clutches. LOTS TO THINK ABOUT HERE. But also please for the love of God flopping your sloppy yabbos around, half covered with your massively chipped nails, featuring rolled over COJ’s like it’s 2002 AIN’T 👏 IT 👏 SIS!

5. Lady Gaga with an Italian Accent.

This movie has been hyped HOARD. The first photo that Lady Gaga put out of her and Adam Driver looking like 80’s Aspen royalty had everyone salivating over this movie. And after watching that trailer of essentially 10 words total and a whole lot of music and text, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say there’s probably absolutely no substance to this movie. It’s apparently about the murder of Maurizio Gucci–taken out by a hitman hired by his ex-wife. Love a murder movie. Love an Italian mob movie. But judging by the flashiness of this trailer and the way they’ve been teasing the costume looks, I feel like they’re trying to distract us from a shitty flick. I’ll still watch it, obviously…but I’m not about to get fired up over someone cutting together a bunch of scenes and Lady Gaga tossing an Italian accent into the mix. As someone who grew up on The Lizzie McGuire Movie and had unrealistic expectations that I would be swept away by an Italian popstar on my semester abroad, I’m no stranger to the white singer/actress doing an Italian accent. Hilary Duff’s was out of this world bad and even she owns up to it.

“O0oo are yooou going to believe? Dis boy yoooou know your whole life?” Gets me every time. Anyway, I’m not saying Lady Gaga was this bad, but I’m also not not saying that either. It’s difficult to nail an Italian accent without sounding like Nintendo’s Mario and/or Luigi and I applaud them all for going hard in the paint but it still was a little cringey to watch. Cue every movie critic ever coming at me for my hot takes on this movie full of A List actors. But whatevs, I calls it like I sees it. Plus I took Italian for 4 years. Guess what I sounded like? A dumb American trying to have an Italian accent and mispronouncing 90% of their language. Props on the physical transformation for Jared Leto though. Definitely would not have guessed that was him had they not smashed it in our faces a bunch of times. Ciao.Ciaociaociaoooooo.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/12/2021

1. Adios, Macho. “For Real” This Time.

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Obviously this is NOT breaking news. A full ass month ago we found out that JLo and ARod could not make it to the altar despite their matching two syllable hoodrat nicknames making us all believe they were indeed soulmates. As soon as the news broke, they tried to walk it back saying they weren’t over, just working through a rough patch. Mmk, guys, whatever. This was obviously them trying to control the story when they’ve probably been separated for months. As I hinted before, the fact that I didn’t find out from a personal text from my girl was the most hurtful part of this split. But now, they’ve made a joint statement. (Again…still waiting on my text…)

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In summary: Couples therapy couldn’t save them once the world knew their love was dead and also staying together for the kids apparently wasn’t working. Good thing their deal didn’t go through or they’d have to stay together for the Mets too. YOIKES. Anyway, despite the jokes, these two did seem like they were a match made in heaven and I was happy that Jenny from tha block who can’t seem to stop getting engaged and/or married finally found her forever Macho. But alas, love is pure garbage, even if it don’t cost a thing. There were rumors of cheating…my first thought was who would cheat on that perfect specimen but my friend Kat makes a valid point that although I don’t want to face, I’m forced to: at what point does JLo look internally and wonder why she can’t hold down a mans.  I’m there to comfort her if she needs it–I’m just a text away but by the looks of things she ain’t the one who needs comforting. ARod posted this story on his Insta when the news broke:

SOMEONE DO A WELLNESS CHECK ON THIS GUY. Listening to Fix You while he looks at pictures of the two of them?! SHEESH. He’s one step away from the ending of A Star is Born. Chris Martin’s about to have blood on his hands for creating an absolute SMASH to cry to. But seriously though, someone get eyes on ARod before he crumbles and starts tweeting Peyton quotes from One Tree Hill.

peyton

2. Colton is Gay & Also a Reality TV Whore.

Colton

Fun Fact: I already had Colton’s 1st ABC headshot locked and loaded because once upon a time I used to blog Bachelor Nation until they all pissed me off so much that I had to force myself into early retirement. AND THIS SHIT?! THIS IS WHY. Here’s the lowdown for all y’all (me now included) who no longer invest 19 hours a week to this godforsaken franchise. Colton was a contestant on the bachelorette and then eventually he was the big cheese, the bachelor. His main “storyline” was that he was a big booty big ole Virg. And if there’s something reality TV loves, it’s honing in on the adults who have never had sex, making them feel suuuuper ashamed and embarrassed about it, then trying to get them to sex it up in a fantasy suite for a full closure story arc. To my knowledge, Colton didn’t fall into this trap and remained free of bonetown throughout his whole season. He left single and pursued Cassie who left his season early because she wasn’t ready to get married. They dated for a while and just recently broke up a few months ago where Colton then proceeded to stalk and harass Cassie until she took out a restraining order against him. Now he’s gay. He did an exclusive interview with Robin Roberts where he comes out officially and is living his truth now. Listen, Colton. I’m happy for ya, and I’mma let y’all finish but being gay doesn’t excuse being a total shitbag to your ex-girlfriend who was probably already reeling from the fact that you were pretty much never attracted to her. He tried to explain it away as being in a “dark place” and gave like a half-assed apology. So not only do I have a bone to pick with that, but also…buddy, take a beat and reflect on yourself and this new chapter of your life. In the past five years he’s been on every ideation of Bachelor Nation, including being the lead of his own season, has written a memoir, comes out publicly on GMA and NOW he’s filming a Netflix reality show about life after coming out. No. Nope. That’s enough. Relax, dude. Stop being a TOTAL reality show whorebag. Find your way without a camera crew. This is unhealthy. Cut the shit.

Oh hey, speaking of people who hoe themselves out for reality tv, check out the return of the horrific Hills reboot because OF COURSE Kristin is back… (*drink every time they say they don’t want to hurt people along the way, oops I’m hammered*)

3. White Boy Summer.

Remember Chet Hanks? Course you do. It’s Tom Hanks’ black sheep son who spent several years exclusively speaking in a Jamaican accent and making us all wonder how America’s treasure Tom and his lovely wife Rita created this. Well he’s back. He made a video a month or so ago declaring it White Boy Summer. And those that weren’t incredibly offended by this were intrigued to hear more. So Chet followed that up with Official Rules (No Sperrys, no plaid shirts & no calling girls smokeshows.) And then Official Merch that seemed borderline racist due to his choice in font so he addressed that as well, also adding in Black Queen Summer.

And for the grand finale… THIS MASTERPIECE:

I mean….Yes. This is just so preposterous. Chet has finally come to terms with how outrageous he is as a human being and created something that he seems to actually be in on the joke with. The song’s got a catchy beat, he’s out here slappin Black Queen cheeks and covering them with SPF 50 with his Good Charlotte font merch and I enjoyed every second of it. We all needed a good laugh and Chet Hanx the self-proclaimed Vanilla King delivered. The only thing that would’ve made this even better was an appearance from complete polar opposites Tom & Colin Hanks. A cutaway to dear ole dad after those shenanigans would’ve really hit the funny bone:

tom

4. Dancing With The Devil.

This is old news but in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been on a little celeb hiatus for about a month now so I’m gonna yap about whatever I want now that I’ve returned. (The celeb hiatus was due to the fact that I got published *TWICE* not talking about Hollyweird and also my laptop was like hey, next up on your life bingo card of shitty and expensive things that happen out of the blue is me dying so buhbye.) So here I am, typing away on my gently used Macbook that was the only cost I could swing in the moment and I’M GONNA TALK ABOUT DEMI NOW, mmk? So her doc that I was thirsty as hell for came out and gotta be honest the way she rolled this thing out was infuriating. I thought it would be one shot and then people started spilling secrets from it and I had to question if it was already out and I somehow got the date wrong…nope it wasn’t. Everyone who got an advanced peek literally couldn’t stop themselves from spoiling it. THEN she releases it in half hour parts like episodes. Except it’s a doc…and we already knew all the salacious goss from it weeks beforehand. SO naturally I was super mad about it. IN SUMMARY: Demi relapsed a couple of years ago first with drinking and weed and then QUICKLY hit up crack and heroin. Ya know, super casual jump to take. And what’s hilarious about that is that she thought she could recreationally use these drugs as if they aren’t THE MOST ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES in the drug game. She was lying about it and hiding it from everyone so it was a big shocker when she overdosed, which PS she essentially died from this overdose (was also raped by her drug dealer) and woke up blind and with a shit-ton of long-term injuries. Coolcoolcool. The doc talks a lot about her traumas and how she’s had a real rough go of it, her best friend wears this STUPID purple Aladdin hat the ENTIRE time and it makes me want to set it on fire atop his fluffy head:

Matthew-Scott-Montgomery

And now we have a new Demi album that dropped at the same time as this doc (same title, so super confusing) and here’s her first video where she reenacts the night she overdosed down to a T. Song is FIRE but the video is a little much. I’m sure it was a therapeutic thing for her but like suuuuper creepy to be watching you hooked up to a thing sucking the blood out of your neck, cleaning it of all the drugs and then pumping it back in. *vomsicles* 

So anyway, not a 10/10 recommend on the documentary split up into 30 min episodes for no reason unless you’re as fascinated by how Demi Lovato is still alive as I am. Can’t deny that voice though. Girl’s a powerhouse.

5. Ravioli Shoes.

If I’m going to make you watch Chet Hanx motorboatin’ butts to a subpar rap, I would be remiss if I didn’t also shine a light on the superstar that is John Mayer on Tiktok. He joined recently and basically took over the damn thing. We’ve always known J.May has quite the personality and hosting his own Instagram show for a hot minute just solidified that. Now he’s in the Tok game and what first started out as just him giving behind the scenes stories on his hits or teaching us how to play guitar like him, quickly morphed into him writing original ditties such as Ravioli Shoes that took off and just generally being the likable panty dropper that he is. So please, take a mo’ out of your day to enjoy John Mayer in his element.

@johnmayer

They just come to me #music #songwriting

♬ original sound – johnmayer

@johnmayer

Busy but fun day!!! #raviolishoes #viral #fyp #andycohen #songwriter

♬ original sound – johnmayer

@johnmayer

its called show *business* 😁 👍🏼 #music #songs #viral

♬ original sound – johnmayer

Meanwhile I’m just out here also doing the Lord’s work with my Tiktoks. When you’re hot on the Tok streetz like me and John Mayer, you’re white hot, amirite?!

@thesaltyju

Lint Porn. 😍🥵 #satisfyingvideos #itsgettinghotinhere #laundrytok

♬ Simply Sensual Sounds – The Smooth Sax Man
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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/23/2020

 

1. Clifford the Big Red NIGHTMARE.

As if everything isn’t terrible enough, Paramount lays THIS SHIT ON US?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I’ll say this until I’m underground NOT EVERYTHING CARTOON WORKS AS LIVE ACTION (insert clap emojis between each word, obv.) Cartoons are adorable and in this case nostalgic. As I write this right now, I’m watching a Mickey Mouse Christmas movie with my niece, who has blessed me with a spontaneous snuggle this morning. Would I EVER want to watch a literal dirty little mouse crawl around and yap about Christmas and Santa? No, that would be disgusting, mice are meant to live in the forest where I pretend they don’t exist and if they ever come near me I’ll kill them. (I’ll run away screaming and get someone else to kill them.) This is why Mickey Mouse and the gang are great. They’re adorable and they have silly voices AND THEY DON’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE. Is there a dog that is bright red and giant-sized in real life? No there is not because that dog would immediately be shot for being a terrifying mutation monster that could kill us all if we pissed him off. I mean look at this thing.

Even the red looks ridiculous. Has this giant dog been rolling in the blood of all the people it has trampled? This is a HORROR MOVIE. Paramount would be wise to pretend this never happened and go back to the drawing boards on this one. I’d love a Pixar-type Clifford. I can get down with an updated animated Clifford but this? This is a hard no for me. And to everyone who thinks live versions of every childhood classic are necessary–knock it off. Stop ruining our lives. To cleanse your palette, here’s a picture of an adorable normal-sized dog with natural coloring frolicking in real life snow with a wet schnoodle. Let it erase real life Clifford from your mind’s eye.

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2. JLO. WHOA.

Most people are embarrassed when a nude is leaked and try to hide it or deny it, not JLo though. The Queen of all Queens was like hey I’ve got a new single, check out my rockin hot bod IN THE BUFF. And honestly? Yes, ok. I could stare at this photo until the end of time and constantly find something new to drool over. I mean, Holy Christmas. The muscle alone is enough to make me up my at-home YouTube workouts. Maybe tomorrow morning I’ll do more than a 10 minute stretch sesh that I’m sore from for 3 days after. Also, gentle reminder to anyone who might’ve forgotten: JLo is FIFTY ONE YEARS OLD. Ok, now that we’ve established that, and the fact that I don’t even care what this song sounds like because nothing will top this cover art, I DO have a little bone to pick (not to be confused with a boner, which I’m sure this photo stirred up in males & females alike.) Although I love when my girl JLo texts me–probably a little too much–I feel like I could use a little warning before I get an unsolicited nude. I really have to be in the right mindset to receive a naked pic of someone and that includes this babe soda. The last time JLo texted me was July 26th about her own birthday. That in itself is a little self-serving, but whatever, every girl should have the right to demand a HBD text. But that was 5 months ago. We’ve had a 5 month hiatus from “Hi Baby” texts and then you lay this nudity on me? KINDA JARRING. At least be like “Hi Baby, I’m about to send you a nude, so get READY!” Instead of just going full force after several months of radio silence. Idk, just a tip from one marketing professional to another. Take it or leave it. Also I felt like I was really in the trust tree there because I was the “first to see the cover” and then five minutes later it was blasted all over social. I feel cheap, bb.

3. The Grammys Are Corrupt, Apparently.

Nominations for the Grammys came out this week as well as the host announcement–Trevor Noah because obviously we need more politics tied into awards shows. It seems like not everyone is pleased. In particular, the Weeknd who I just yapped about a couple weeks ago for buying the Super Bowl halftime show. Apparently he can’t buy a Grammy, ZING. But seriously, apparently the Grammys have always been kind of a shitshow but they really didn’t do a great job of covering that up this year. Beyonce didn’t drop an album, she did a Lion King song and I guess hopped on someone else’s track and yet she’s walking away with the most noms. Something doesn’t add up here. So The Weeknd, who was slated to perform at the awards didn’t receive any noms, and therefore he’s like I’m OUT.

Peace out, homeslice! If anyone cares the rest of the nominations are HERE, if you’re like me you’ll either not recognize the songs or recognize them from TikTok dances. #OldPeopleProbs. The awards are airing January 31st and great news my family had enough about reading my no cable sob stories for red carpets and I’ll be getting a hand-me-down antenna this weekend so I can hook the ole bunny ears up just in time for awards szn.

4. Boycott Chapelle Show.

I expect 0% of my readers to watch this 18 min video of Dave Chapelle but it’s there as a reference if you’d like it. Otherwise, here’s the poop: Dave Chapelle was young and broke and signed a deal with Comedy Central for The Chapelle Show. It was a lame deal and he didn’t know any better and the network probs took advantage of the fact that he was poor and didn’t know how Hollywood worked. He realized that after a couple seasons of his show and peaced out, breaking his contract. Since he broke his contract, he doesn’t own his show or make any money off of it. Now streaming services have added his show into the mix and he’s mad that he doesn’t see any money from his body of work. He talked to Netflix and they took it down because they have a working relationship with Dave that I’m sure they don’t want to ruin. He talked to HBOMax and they were like nah, we good. So now Dave is asking his fans to boycott watching his own show until he starts making money off of it. So basically, this is EXACTLY what happened to Taylor Swift minus a doucheroni named Scooter. Here’s the deal, don’t sign a contract that hasn’t been vetted by a lawyer and also don’t get mad if you breach that contract and screw yourself over. HOWEVER, every creator should have the right to their own shit. Whether they buy that back later on in life when they’ve made the dough or they cut a new deal to get some residuals. If my INCREDIBLY well-written Weekly JUices were snatched up by a big biz blog and they were making money off of it but I wasn’t, I’d riot my face off. BUT ALSO, I’d ask someone smarter than me to look over a contract before signing it because I’m just a poor person who writes blogs and if anyone offered me pennies for my blog I’d be like yes sounds great where do I sign? Moral of the story here, I have significantly less money than both Taylor Swift AND Dave Chapelle and I’m very open to negotiations for my talents (of which there are so many, obviously.) Then maybe I could go to brunch and actually get food rather than just showing up to stunt an outfit on all of my haters and order a water. Also, let Dave buy his show and let Taylor buy her music. The end.

@thesaltyju

When you have a brunch wardrobe but not a brunch budget. 💁🏽‍♀️ #basicbitch #alittlebitalexis #poorpeopleproblems

♬ Therefore I Am – Billie Eilish

5. Are You Ok?

The Duke And Duchess Of Sussex Visit Australia - Day 3

Meghan Markle contributed this very well-written piece to the NY Times, where she reveals that her and Harry suffered a miscarriage. Of course, in addition to being this worldly and charitable creature, she’s a phenomenal writer as well. (I’m jelly as hell.) It’s a quick read and a nice reminder to ask people if they’re ok because they’re probably not. Especially this year. But then if you ask someone if they’re ok and they say no, don’t tell them to just get over it. That’s my own pro tip from the trenches of anti-ok.

BONUS: If you are not OK, here’s some Thanksgiving highlights that will hopefully bring you some holiday cheer. Cause nothing slaps harder than shoving your head into a turkey b-hole.

I hope that you were able to cram lots of snacks into your snackhole, bathe in gravy & boom roast Christmas Hallmark movies with your family like I did. If not, please enjoy my commentary on some Thanksgiving classics. I had a lame tweet get A LOT of action and a GREAT tweet about a new Goo Goo Doll face go under-appreciated. Also, my brother in law and dad turned off the dog show for football so they’re both dead to me. Countdown to Christmas begins MEoW!

I’m thankful for my family, who didn’t murder me when I took 16,000 boomerangs of the food that they were killing themselves to prepare for a business Instagram story that got 30ish views. LIFE OF A CONTENT CREATOR, YO. I’m also thankful that I belong to a crew that doesn’t believe in serving sizes. This was just a light snack 45 mins before the feast. Portion control is for wieners. You’re not doing Thanksgiving right if you don’t feel like you’re going to blow. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk on being a lard.

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Music, Playlist

Bitch, I’m Limited Edition.

This is for anyone who’s having a day (or a life) where they’re feeling down about themselves and need a quick reminder of just how awesome they are. I need this reminder more days than most but let me tell you, a quick rotation of songs that tell me how hot, cool, funny and unique I am, songs that remind me that I can do anything that I put my mind to? That shit works. Just listening to one of these songs gives me a burst of confidence and self-love so there’s no telling what I’ll do after a whole playlist full. Coincidentally, feeling insecure or defeated can sometimes come with a breakup, therefore I’ve peppered in a few dust yourself off breakup songs that I’ve enjoyed and related to over the past year as well. If you’re not going through a breakup, this playlist will still make you do a high kick and want to stunt all over your haters. Regardless of where you are in life, hopefully these songs will reinforce that you’re the bomb.com. OWN IT, ho. (I use this as a term of endearment, I’m really on a hot streak with it ever since I learned via The Last Dance that Michael Jordan repeatedly called his teammate a ho while bullying him to be a better player. MJ might have intended for it to be mean, but it made me laugh and therefore I’m normalizing ho as a name we can call our friends when we’re keeping it real.)

ME! – Taylor Swift Ft. Brendan Urie. Some might say because of my years-long obsession with Taylor Swift and anticipation of this single, I related to it a little TOO hard when it was finally released. I jammed out to it every chance I got and then to take it an annoying step further, would use it as an excuse for why I am the way that I am. If I did something obnoxious that would illicit an eye roll, I would immediately back it up with  well, you can’t spell awesome without me! No one enjoyed it but I felt like it embodied the awkward weird girl who may struggle with confidence and need a reminder sometimes that there’s no one out there like me and THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME GR8! Thanks, Tay. I mean, the song literally starts out with I know that I’m a handful. Like did she write it about herself or about me? So for anyone whose a real dramatic disaster mess, that’s what makes us FUN!

All I Do Is Win – DJ Khaled Ft. Ludacris, T-Pain & Snoop Dogg. This is an all-around feel good jam coming from a place of over-confidence. If you’re ever looking for someone who toots their own horn, look no further than a rapper. They will have no trouble telling you about all of their money, cars and women lining up to bang them. And sometimes, that’s just what you need. You need to believe that you’re rolling in money, winning every single day, even if you’re very unemployed and living with your parents. I’ve used this song on one of my other playlists but it deserves a repeat. Plus, we just taught my 3 year old niece the chorus and I’m happy to give her another opportunity to show her madd skillz in throwing her hands in the air–UP DOWN, UP DOWN, UP DOWN. PS no hotter opening flow than LUDACRIS GOIN IN ON THE VERSE CAUSE I’VE NEVER BEEN DEFEATED AND I WON’T STOP NOW. You TELL EM, Luda!

Bathroom Floor – Maddie & Tae. Here’s a post breakup joint that I discovered while dabbling around YouTube and I’m so glad I did. Although it directly references crying from a breakup, I think it can be applied to anytime you’re knocked down. Get up, wash your face, put on a fab outfit and hit the town. Obviously this doesn’t apply in the current state of affairs but as soon as the world opens back up again, you best be getting up off that bathroom floor, gurl. Also, can confirm this is a great song to dance to.

I Love Me – Demi Lovato. It’s possible that the release of this song is what became the catalyst for making this playlist. Ya girl Demi has BEEN through some shit in the past couple of years and is very open about her struggles, so when we she released “Anyone”, her first song in over a year, about basically her lowest point, it was a very emotional song to listen to (may or may not have cried in the shower a couple times to it.) But then her follow up song is THIS. And I’m like GO OFF, QUEEN. It shows just how easy it is to get into down in the dumpster lows, but you have to remind yourself why you’re great to pick yourself up out of those lows. SAY IT WITH ME: I’m a ten out of ten even when I forget! Basically Demi managed to put a therapy sesh in song form, and for that I am grateful.

Soulmate – Lizzo. Lizzo busted onto the scene a year or so ago in a BIG way. I’m not referring to her size, I’m referring to the size of her confidence, which is what made her so infectious. I could’ve easily put every single song off of her album on this playlist because they all spout self-love, acceptance and badass confidence. There’s a reason people can’t stop captioning their selfies with her lyrics (guilty as charged.) She’s full of catchy one-liners to describe feelin’ ourselves. This song reminds us that if you don’t love yourself first, you’ll be hot garbage in a relationship. Lizzo puts it much more eloquently, of course. For example, “I know I’m a queen but I don’t need no crown.” Tysm, Lizzo.

Love Myself – Hailee Steinfeld. I added this knowing full well that it’s a controversial tune, but it’s 2020 baby, time to embrace it. This song is 1000000% about masturbation. Like there’s no dancing around it, the lyrics are plain as day, this gurl is DJ’ing in her bed singing about how she don’t need a man to orgasm. That being said, it’s a fire song and just so perfectly fits this theme. Although it may be nice sometimes to have somebody else in bed, do you really NEED them? Hailee says no. SCREAM YOUR OWN NAME! Ok, I’ll stop making you all uncomfy now.

***Flawless – Beyonce ft. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. For anyone who’s not already a fan of this song, this is going to be weird to listen to because of all the soundbytes Yonce decided to toss in. Between the announcer voice at the beginning and end and ya gurl Chim giving a Ted Talk on feminism, it’s a lot to handle. But IN THE BEST WAY. This song is powerful as hell and gave us the cocky as shit phrase “I Woke Up Like This.” As soon as this album dropped and all of her pink font merch was appearing, I raced to the closest Etsy page selling knockoffs (I’m not about to pay full inflated price for a black tee with pink letters ironed on–that’s robbery) and ordered myself a tank top that just said FLAWLESS across the boobs. The first tank I received had a hair ironed into the letters. I cried. But when I received the replacement, I wore that tank constantly, usually unshowered and looking less than flawless–something my dad was all too pleased to point out. And you know what? I just flipped my hair and screamed BOW DOWN, BITCHES.

Not 20 Anymore – Bebe Rexha. Beebz has taken a lot of heat through the years about her “curvy” body. Obviously she’s petite & skinny and probably has a six pack but she also got an AZZ on her. As someone who busted a hole in clothing items twice in a six month span just because baby got back, I can very much relate. Bebe has been outspoken about what size she is after designers refused to make her red carpet looks because she’s a size 10 and has tried to create a platform around body positivity for the youths looking up to her. I saw her perform live last summer and was blown away by the amount that girl was dropping it low and bopping all over a stage like it was going out of style. At one point her backup dancer literally kicked her but those thicc thighs of hers were ready to take the hit. So praise her and her body confidence and beating out all insecurities women have about getting old. Twenties are for insecure losers, the big leagues start at 30 when you age like a fine wine and feel comfy in your skin. (I’m using her lyrics to tell you this, because I’m not yet 30 and therefore a very insecure loser…fingers crossed next year I’ll be like OMG YES 30 is the greatest age alive rather than feeling old as dick.) Shoutout to Bebe for also dropping this heater on her 30th. Typically I hate when girls post thirst traps, like we get it, you’re hot (eye roll) but I liked that this was a big FU to everyone who calls her fat. Check out that fAT AzZzZZ.

You Need Me, I Don’t Need You – Ed Sheeran. I think the best part about this cocky “I’m the best” song is that it was one of the first songs Ed even released. He wasn’t the superstar he is now, he was an unknown UK singer/rapper, couch surfing and he’s like I don’t need any of you, I’m THE stuff. And he wasn’t wrong. I like that kind of fiery hot confidence right out the gate. It shows you that confidence is nothing more than telling yourself you’re awesome and then trying to convince others the same. Sounds so easy, right? He was basically Babe Ruth calling his shot on becoming a massively famous musician, selling out stadiums. And then he made it come true. Let that be a lesson, y’all. Also, Ed’s always been a wordsmith but hands down one of his greatest lines comes from this song right here–they say I’m up and coming like I’m f*cking in an elevator. Boom. Roasted.

Limitless – Jennifer Lopez. Shows you just how much of a megastar JLo is that she made this song as basically a throwaway for one of her movie soundtracks and it slaps this hard. I’ve written about this song before because I wanted her to perform it in the Super Bowl, so I don’t want to be repetitive for my super fans who read all of my blogs, but this is just a classic pump yourself up lady jam. Not saying guys can’t enjoy it too but there’s something about “I am a woman who roars” that seems to resonate more with the ladies. If there’s ever a doubt about if you can do something, look directly to JLo for inspiration. She’s 50 and THRIVING, Mama. Never give up.

Nightmare – Halsey. Coming off the high of being limitless, I decided to toss in this bangpiece that doesn’t necessarily directly relate to confidence boosting but should get you real fired up. It’s a little on the dark side, but that’s what we love about Halsey. She’s gritty and she isn’t afraid to tell you to F off. This is a GREAT song to scream sing in the car, I can attest to POPPING off more than once to I DON’T OWE YOU A G-D THING. What a rush that is to tell someone off, even if it’s just the inside of your vehicle.

How To Be Lonely – Rita Ora. Sprinkling in another post-breakup tune that I’ve enjoyed jamming to. Puts a real positive spin on the rock bottom feeling that heartbreak serves. It’s like when people say they feel free after a breakup. Like, I lost a human being who loves me, but now I can really focus on myself and do whatever I want. The bitter bitch in me wants to roll my eyes at things like that, but I’m trying to be less bitter so I’ll give Rita a chance here. Maybe the benefit of losing someone is that you learn to get comfy with being lonely. I’m not QUITE there yet, but I’ll keep working at it and bopping along to this sick beat.

Fight Song – Rachel Platten. Another war cry for anyone who just wants to stop trying. YOU’VE STILL GOT A LOT OF FIGHT LEFT IN YOU. So stop being a wiener and start being a warrior. I think that’s probably what Rachel was trying to say when she wrote this song.

Up – Thomas Rhett. I know this playlist focuses heavily on the *strong and sassy, independent women* tuneage, but I wanted to make sure I was including great male songs too even if they are far outnumbered–it’s only natural that I relate more to the female variety. TR gave us this positive track off his last album and it’s literally impossible to have the Debbie downer feels while listening. Life’s just a big ole rollercoaster and if you’re down right now, get ready to go up. I of course am still waiting for my ride to the top but TR has taught me to appreciate it more when I finally do get there because I REALLY know what it’s like to be in the pits. Seriously, any day now. I am ready and waiting for that skyrocket UP.

Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson started her career on single girl anthems and that’s probably exactly why she became a megastar. She kicked that curly-headed f*ck Justin Guarini to the curb and was all Miss Independent. If she didn’t let From Justin to Kelly ruin her career from the very start, what doesn’t kill you truly does make you stronger.

Strip Me – Natasha Bedingfield. I’m not gonna let Natasha only be remembered for creating a song that will forever be tied to LC driving her Mercedes with the Hollywood sign in the background. This is a lesser known Natasha song but a whole lot more powerful than soundtracking a scripted reality show with “the rest is still unwritten.” Obviously she didn’t write the song with Lauren Conrad in mind, but you get the point. It’s another casual feminist anthem about always having a voice. So even if you lose everything else, they can never take your voice. Even if you use it to talk shit about celebrities and put out playlists on the internet.

Titanium – David Guetta Ft. Sia. This counts as another male appearance on the list even though Sia carries the song. This is the almighty goal here–no, not to physically have a robot body–but to care so little what people think or say about you that it just deflects off of you. That’s supreme level confidence and self-love that you don’t give a flying F what people think about you. Fire away, FIRE AWAY!

Castles – Freya Ridings. I heard this song on the radio this past fall and it was a day where I was thinking about how much everything sucked, feeling defeated and it was one of those rare moments that you don’t really get anymore (sorry radio, but you’re a dying medium for music discovery) where a song comes on randomly and it’s exactly what you need to hear. I remember feeling a surge of energy and relating the lyrics back to my broken heart as we all do when we’re being dramatic and feeling all the feels. Oh, what’s that, you’re doing great without me WELL I’M GONNA BUILD CASTLES AND BE MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT I WAS. It was all I needed to feel better in that moment as I told off the pedestrian crossing in front of my car through song. Again, still working out the kinks on building that castle, it’s possible I need a few more rotations before I can really take action on that. But when I finally do, it’s over for you hoes.

Headlines – Drake. Again with the theory that no one brags on themselves better than rappers. Drake has basically made a career out of talking about how great he is, of course sometimes it comes at the expense of others–RIP Meek Mill. This is a throwback to OG Drizzy because I just love to point out when people are “overdosed on confidence” right from the start. It also gives me the opportunity to remind everyone of 2015 when I had an app that just responded to texts with Drake lyrics and boy was that a time to be alive. I wrote a whole blog on it because I too, was overconfident in my early blogging days, writing blogs where I literally texted myself for hours to get the right graphics. Check that out HERE for a giggle and a reminder that every once in a while it’s important to say something douchey like, “drinking every night because we drink to my accomplishments” to remind everyone around you what a boss you are.

Hold On – Wilson Phillips. I mean there really are no words to describe this classic and it’s timeless message. Other than imagining Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph interpretive dancing the chorus in bridesmaids dresses, you should also let the ladies of Wilson Phillips tell it like it is. They understand that life is a dumpster fire sometimes but you just hold on for one more day. And that’s all you really need to remember from this playlist. Having confidence or self love isn’t going to stop bad shit from happening, sometimes you just gotta fake it til you make it and keep waking up each day ready to fight. Whoa. Did I just get real deep?! You bet your ass I did. We all need a boost sometimes. I hope that this collection of tunes for the soul helped even just a little bit.

Also, not for nothing, but I listened to this playlist on my first attempt at a 15 mile bike ride the other day and it was a REAL rough situation between bugs, pollen, heat and going against the wind and there were several times I considered just sitting on a bench for a while or walking my bike back to my car and giving up, but quite literally every single song on this playlist pushed me to keep going. So even if you have confidence through the roof and you’re crushing life all day erreday, at least you know that this playlist can push you through a shitty workout where you want to throw up and die. YA WELCOME.

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Playlist

Millennial Gurl Pop Anthems

It’s been far too long since I’ve made a random playlist, told you to listen to it and written something relating back to myself about each song. I bet you missed it. Don’t lie. Recently I’ve been diving back into the world of 2000’s she-pop music. It all started with JLo and Shakira rocking the halftime show, then Jessica Simpson was like hey y’all I’ve been an alcoholic for my entire life and I wrote a book about it and I was like welp guess I need to start rotating her hits again and it spiraled into a 7 hour playlist of every girl pop song I grooved to from ages 11-19–basically these ladies raised me and I wanted to reminisce on those times. SO NOW YOU GET TO AS WELL! (Guys too. Don’t even for a second pretend you didn’t have these songs in heavy rotation.) To show just how dedicated I am, I busted out the ole CD’s to get into the song selecting mood and also feel like it’s 2005.

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A timely drop for Valentine’s Day because these ladies either sang about being in love or telling their boo to kick rocks so there’s something in here for everyone on this year’s VDay. ENJOY.

1. With You – Jessica Simpson. This was peak Newlyweds (how I’d like to memorialize each of them forever in my memory) and when Jess really started to lean into being a real dum dum. The song was basically about being yourself in a relationship and the video featured all of the things she was directly razzed about from their reality show. Calling a Platypus “plat-amuh-pus”, chicken or tuna, buffalo wings, her boobs getting in the way when she golfed, how she hated cleaning and was a real dirtbag to live with. It’s everything we love about Jess and what made her relatable and WHY THAT SHOW SHOULD STILL BE AIRING TODAY. Rest in Peace, Nick & Jess, Newlyweds Era.

2. So What – P!nk. Ah, another classic music video that tells the exact opposite story as the one before. Pink even references ya girl Jessica Simp in this song–GrL PoWeR! I’ve always had a soft spot for this song because of the story behind it. Pink was known as the badass B who didn’t fit in with the rest of the pop princesses but she was cool as hell with it and then she was dating Carey Hart who was like Bad Boy personified in his motocross lyfe. But then they broke up and she wrote this song and was like whatevs I’m still famous so we’ll be alright. PLOT TWIST THOUGH, she’s actually a softie and when she went to make this video she reached back out to Carey for the first time since they’d broken up and asked if he would be in the video AND HEARTS FLUTTER EVERYWHERE because him appearing in this video led to their reunion. What a great love story. She yells at him in her music video and he’s like k let’s get back togets and now they’ve been married for 13 years. Since I’ve always been a music video nerd I remember watching a behind the scenes (probably on TRL) where Pink was so nervous to have him onset that she had to get a little buzz on and LOOK AT THEM NOW. Also, goes without saying this song bangs.

3. No One – Alicia Keys. Taking it doooooown a notch with the soulful Alicia Keys. Nowadays you can find Alicia using her calm zen voice and piano playin talents to host the Grammy’s but honestly nothing has really changed about her. She wails on the keys and makes you want to close your eyes, bop your head and try to hit the highest of notes. Which obviously, I can. In my car–solo concert style.

4. Behind These Hazel Eyes – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly is queen of the breakup tell-off because that’s basically all she released for her first few albums that I listened to on repeat and just felt so UNDERSTOOD. Justin Guarini must’ve done a real number on her, that curly headed f*ck. This is one of her best numbers to scream sing to and I highly encourage that you do so. HERE I AM ONCE AGAIN just hits harder if you’re screaming at the top of your lungs.

5. If You Had My Love – Jennifer Lopez. Obviously I just did a whole blog dedicated to JLo’s hits and what I wanted her to perform at the super bowl–she performed 4 of those songs so shout out to JLo for reading my blog and being a woman of the people. Regardless, I’m not going to yap about the same songs here because that would just be redundant for my avid Salty Ju followers. Also, I could’ve picked any Jenny song and it would be a homerun. This particular tune is Jenny telling her mans how it’s gotta be because she’s not about to date a sleazeball. Ironically, the video (yes I’m going to reference basically every music video because this was the music video era and they all delivered the drama) is just a creepy guy sitting on his couch watching JLo dance around her house on his computer, watchmewatchu style. Yoikes not a turn I was expecting the song to make when she’s telling you to not mess this up, installing cameras in her house and peeping on her from afar is probably the quickest way to do that, sir.

6. Everything – FeFe Dobson. My homie FeFe wasn’t necessarily a heavy-hitter in the pop world like your Britney’s and your Mandy’s, but she holds a special place in my heart for when I was going through my punk pop phase and therefore I felt the need to give her a shout even though she pretty much disappeared after one album. If you look her up now, she’s apparently still making music but her instagram scared me, honestly and she’s married to a guy whose aesthetic is tattooed alternative cowboy rapper, so I’m out on that. Let’s just focus on the time period when she turned “do do dooooo” into actual lyrics.

7. Cry – Mandy Moore. I guess Mandy Moore does her best work when soundtracking a movie because I was deciding between Center Stage Mandy or A Walk to Remember Mandy for her feature on this playlist. Both wildly different stories and wouldn’t you know I went with the depressing one. Tearjerker classic A Walk to Remember was on TV a few weeks ago and I find myself equal parts ashamed and proud to admit that I could still recite the dialogue out loud word for word. Mostly because there will never be a more cringeworthy exchange than having a guy say I’m going to kiss you and replying “I might be bad at it.” Oh Jamie, you kiss virgin nerd bomber. Thank you for making me feel better as I laugh at you on my couch very much unemployed watching a 17 year old movie in the middle of a weekday. Either way, when Landon stares out at the water in the end SPOILER ALERT and says our love is like the wind, I can’t see it but I can feel it and you hear Mandy begin “I’ll always remember”, that’s a surefire way to have a single tear roll down your cheek. Thank you, Mandy.

8. Whenever, Wherever – Shakira. Even though I boo’ed the TV when Shakira came on first at the super bowl halftime show and I shouted DID JLO CALL IN SICK?! I still love Shakira. I just love JLo more and wanted a full JLo-Bowl with no interruptions. And I think that’s ok. I love Shakira but not like half-time show sort of love. I can still appreciate dem hips and self awareness for small boobs. Shaki paved the way for body confidence noting that it was lucky her breasts are small so they’re not confused with mountains. And you know what, same gurl. I’d never want someone to think my rack is the Alps cause that would be weird as hell.

9. Complicated – Avril Lavigne. You’ll notice that I’ve sprinkled in a few punk pop galz because at the end of the day, no matter how badass they tried to seem, anyone who tried to call themselves punk in the 2000’s were really just popstars who wore more eyeliner. Avril gave us the gift of incorporating a sassy uh-huh into a song and for that we should forever be grateful. But seriously, why ya gotta make things so complicated? Just chill the hell out. AND TELLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEE.

10. Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani. Ah, this brings me back to my 8th grade school trip to Cleveland (because Cleveland counts as a vacation destination when you grow up in Syracuse) and all my rich friends who had their first iPods bumped this beat on the 6 hour bus ride so we could all flirt by sharing earbuds and spelling bananas. CLASSIC. Also the DJ at Turning Stone popped this off a couple of weekends ago and several adults lost their shit so it’s a timeless jam that I can confirm we ladies still stomp our feet like this to. CAUSE WE AIN’T NO HUSSY HOLLABACK GUUUUUUUUURLZ. (Also lolz to the time period when Gwen only hung out with a Japanese posse called her Harajuku girls. What a time to be alive.)

11. Irreplaceable – Beyoncé. I could’ve included a Bey club beat here, but my heart told me to slow it down and sass it up with this one. This was Thank U, Next before Ariana was just a twinkle in her dirtbag father’s eye. With just one dubz finger pointing movement, Queen B told her man to take everything he own in a box to the left and get the hell out of her house. Before there was Becky with the good hair or BOY BYE, there was TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT and I think that’s an important lesson to remember. No matter what age Beyoncé is, she’ll always remind you that she’s a strong goddess and you ain’t shit without her.

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12. Boyfriend – Ashlee Simpson. We couldn’t shout out Jess without Ash, otherwise Ash would get all emo again and be like I’M LIVIN IN THE SHADOW, OF SOMEONE ELSE’S DREAM. Wah, wah, wah. This bop is less I’m jelly of my sister for being more famous, and more shut your face because I didn’t steal your boyf and isn’t that just so much more fun?! Makes ya wanna hop around and shake ya boyfriend-less booty.

13. Beautiful – Christina Aguilera. I’ve been having a real soft spot for the lady slow jamz on this mix. Sometimes you just wanna belt out and be in your feels and nothing puts you in your feels more than whispering “don’t look at me” before singing about how beautiful you are, probably in the mirror after a few hundred glasses of wine. Judge me, I don’t care. WORDS CAN’T BRING ME DOWN.

14. Come Clean – Hilary Duff. I can’t have an anthem playlist without the anthem for rich high school idiots who live near a beach. Just kidding, disassociate this song from Laguna because it’s a heater all on its own and has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with 16 year olds who spring break in Cabo. There’s no nostalgia quite like hearing the beginning weird whistle sounds of this song and knowing that you’re about to let that rain fall down.

15. Lucky – Britney Spears. Brit has had an entire career pre and post shaved head breakdown of smash hits and yet none of them are on the same playing field as Lucky. Lucky is the one song that unites us all. It’s so incredibly stupid and yet it’s the best storytelling song out there, complete with actual knocks on the door. If you don’t act this song out start to finish–beginning with a dramatic AF “this is the story about a girl named Lucky” then I don’t even want to know you as a person.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 27, 2020

1. Bella Babies.

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BECAUSE OF COURSE THESE TWO ARE PREGNANT AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. And listen, I love them a whole lot and want to be BFF’s with them but this is RIDICULOUS. They know it’s ridiculous too. They had to basically be like no this is real and we didn’t plan this like the assholes that you think we are. As the story goes, Brie and Bryan were trying for a second kid for several months and decided to give up because maybe it wasn’t in their plan to have another kid and boom, Brie ends up pregnant. Nikki on the other hand, FRESHLY engaged, obviously did not plan this and therefore we’ve got a Bella oops. My favorite part about this whole story is that Nikki told Brie she was pregnant before telling her fiancé AND Brie was piiiiiisssedddd. Literally her reaction was “this is a nightmare” and that is hilarious to me. No one tells it like it is like your own sister–even more so, your twin. I know this because I have a twin (or so every bouncer and random bar bro who wants to strike up a conversation with us chooses to believe.) In this scenario, Brie would be my sister and I would be Nikki. I know this because I asked my sister the other day if I would be a good mom and she goes, you don’t even like kids. To which I responded, neither do you and you have one. TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, BISH. Honestly though it would be a nightmare for the world if we were ever pregnant at the same time. Look no further than this ahole photo of us wearing leopard coordinated outfits on New Years Eve with bows stolen from my 2 year old niece.

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But anyway, back to the Bella’s who do wrestling, wine, activewear, skincare, reality TV, podcasts and now BIRTH together. Can’t wait for these babies to come on the exact same day because you KNOW that’s what’s going to happen and they’re both going to go OH MY GOSH! (You’ll only understand this if you’re a Total Bellas fan and have ever turned it into a drinking game.) Also, pour one out for John Cena who DID FINALLY SAY he would give Nikki kids and everyone overlooks that fact and he gets DRAGGED for trying to take away her chance to be a mom. Gawd.

2. GOLDBERG.

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HEY if I had to see it, so do you. Those are the rules. My eyes will never be the same. This is the second mugshot for ole Goldberg and boy have things changed in the last few years. As it turns out, meth is not GREAT for your face. He was all tweaked out and decided to break into someone’s garage and car. This blows. And I’ll tell you why. I shipped Goldberg. I thought the funny chunk who farted all the time was hilarious and when it was time to buy a Mighty Ducks shirsey, I bought Goldberg’s even though the cool choice would’ve been Conway. I thought Goldberg would’ve struck up more conversations and now I’m ashamed to wear it ever again because these are NOT the conversations I want to be having. I get that most child stars are messed up and pretty much the entire Sandlot cast has gotten arrested at this point, but what a sharp life turn to take going from the 90’s loveable chubster to meth head trolling through people’s homes. Let us remember him and all of my other 90’s boyfs the way they should be remembered, in the best decade ever, in the creepy blog I wrote about them HERE. Also, related but unrelated because Goldberg won’t be asked to join womp womppp, but Emilio Estevez will be in the Disney + Mighty Ducks reboot series. Welcome back, Coach Bombay. Don’t ever slick your hair like the Iceland coach and keep those ducks flying together and we’ll see if I tune in for this sure to be subpar dumpster fire.

3. Mourning Mamba

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I wrote a little bit about this in my Grammy’s blog because it had just happened and it felt weird for me to be watching the awards show and making my dumb twitter and red carpet jokes without acknowledging the awful loss of Kobe, his daughter, and their friends on that flight. Now almost a week later, my sentiment remains the same. I won’t pretend for even a second to know anything about sports or Kobe Bryant as a basketball player but I do know that so many people losing several members of their families in one fell swoop is a horrific tragedy and I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt that they’re all going through. I watched and read so many of the tributes and stories about Kobe and his daughter and old interview clips of him talking about his family and I cried at every single one. Out of everything that I saw, the viral #GirlDad movement that Elle Duncan started hit the hardest.

After so many people shared the video, Elle tweeted this out:

And the world flooded Twitter with adorable pics of dads and their daughters. Well Elle, here’s my submission because we can’t shout out Girl Dad’s without tossing the G-Man in the mix. The guy who explains 401K’s in Dawson’s Creek terms, who used the term lettuce in a eulogy because we taught him that it means cool hair, who learned a Jesse and the Rippers song for his live gigs because his daughters could not be more obsessed with the 90’s and who literally laid down on the floor to get a good angle for my Instagram. He’s not a regular dad…he’s a #GirlDad and a #GirlPapa. Seriously, this family has girls coming out of our ears. But that’s why we’re awesome because as Kobe knew, Girls run the world and make our dads 1 billion times cooler.

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4. My Girl’s Back!

My numero uno girl crush is back on a press tour for her new movie that looks creepy as hell, which means we have so many outfits to feast our eyes on! That yellow Paddington Bear outfit was something I never thought I’d like and yet Blake rocked it and now I’d like to own it for myself. I mean really, quilted yellow shorts. Who would’ve thought? Blake. That’s who.

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In addition to dressing like a boss bitch, she also broke her hand punching Jude Law and the only thing she wanted to tell us about that is how she nailed a dad joke. She is perfect.

5. A Non-Twin Pregnancy

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Number 3. 📸: @DangeRussWilson

A post shared by Ciara (@ciara) on

Ciara announced she’s pregnant again in this fierce and tropical photo in the land of rich people vacations and that’s great. Good for her! My bone to pick is with her husband, who also put his own announcement on InstaG and it looked like this:

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Number 3. @Ciara

A post shared by Russell Wilson (@dangerusswilson) on

I’m sure he was just flexing his portrait mode skillz but if my husband posted a selfie where my pregnant bod is BLURRED OUT IN THE BACKGROUND to announce that we’re having a kid, I would lose my shit. HEY BUD, WHO CARRIES THIS KID FOR 9 MONTHS DEALING WITH CRAVINGS AND NO DRINKING AND THROWING UP AND FEELING LIKE GARBO AND THEN PUSHES THIS HUMAN OUT OF A HOLE THAT IS NOWHERE NEAR 10 CM? NOT YOU IN YOUR REFLECTIVE AVIATORS AND YOUR STUPID EXPENSIVE CHAINS, I CAN TELL YOU THAT. Get your shit together, Russell and start worshipping your Queen, the temple that will house your child and then bring it into this world. PERIOD. (I just binged Cheer in one day and that will now become an annoying thing that I picked up from it and overuse until everyone around me wants to punch me. PERIOD.)

BONUS: Get YO asses ready for JLo (and Shakira) to run train all over the football field this Sunday and I guess two teams will play and there will be commercials and snacks and stuff. But mostly JLo and dem gunz. And Demi kicking things off by roaring about ‘Merica. If you’re really lucky, I’ll blog about the puddle of drool that collects on the floor while I wear my big hoops and sweatsuit in honor of my gurl.

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Music

JLO-BOWL Top Five

I’ve gotten into a pattern of not blogging when I don’t feel like anything triggers me to fire up the ole laptop and clatter away with my obnoxious opinions. Sometimes I feel like, why take the time to blog if I’m not dramatically heated about it? Well, welcome to 2020 where my calendar recently opened up due to the minor detail of not having a job. Was I planning on blogging today? Nope. But then my girl JLo shot me a text that said “Hi Baby!!!!!! Only one month until the Super Bowl! Which song’s do you want to hear on my set list?! (sparkle emoji, heart emoji)” And thank God for me using her marketing platform as a way to pretend I’m close personal friends with her and laugh at all the texts she sends me because WHAT AN INSPIRATION. I’m not going to text her the songs she needs to perform, I’m gonna blog it. HASHTAG CONTENT. So, baby, hope this answers your question (shooting star emoji, kissy face emoji)!!!

First and foremost, if she doesn’t kick the halftime show off with Let’s Get Loud, she’s dead to me. I’m not even counting it as a number because it’s a given. This song is the ultimate pump up jam and I will not accept any other JLo song to open the show.

5. I’m Real (Remix) Ft. Ja Rule.

I’ve been very passionate and outspoken before about my love for that very short time period when Ja Rule would team up with Ashanti and JLo and make dirrty rap smashes. I dream of the day when that golden era music makes a comeback and honestly if JLo trucked Ja out for the halftime show I would probably pee my pants with excitement. Any song that starts out with “WHAT’S MY MUTHAF***IN’ NAME?!” in that grizzly voice of his is already going to be a W for me. Beyond my obvious love for Ja, this is the BEAUTIFUL day and age when JLo is still just Jenny with a top bun, some gold hoops and juicy sweatsuit (shorts edition, gotta show off those stems, yo). This is my favorite kind of JLo as you’ll learn from this list because her OG hits just have a whole lot more street sass than her new shit. This beat highlights her very strong skillset of sing-rapping. NOW I CAN BREATHE AGAIN, BABY NOW I CAN BREATHE AGAIN!

4. Waiting For Tonight.

It’s impossible to listen to this song and not immediately want to swing those hips. This is Jen’s foray into latin club beats and she knocked it out of the park. Plus, what a poetic love song: “I think of the days when the sun used to set On my empty heart, all alone in my bed.” It’s like she can have such a way with words, and then sing them over a beat while she writhes in a bikini and rubs jungle leaves on her face. WHAT A WOMAN. Also a timely choice because in this music video she clubs her way into the new millennium…exactly 20 years ago. While JLo was grinding it up to green neon lights, my family was popping Welch’s non-alcoholic champagne with both my Nana and my Grandma over because both of those olds were convinced the world was going to end in 2000 and didn’t want to die alone. True story.

3. Love Don’t Cost A Thing.

Sometimes we all need to learn a lesson, and this one is very important. JLo don’t want a mans who just lavishes her with gifts and isn’t around because otherwise those gifts will end up sprinkled along the 405 while she’s busy getting cornrows and dancing in front of a tropical green screen. I mean she even ditched the Benz with the custom license plate SO YOU KNOW SHE’S SERIOUS. Also, not for nothing but she’s rich as hell and can buy all this shit for herself anyway and WILL because she’s a boss bitch. So don’t even, HONAYYYY.

2. Get Right.

Full discloszh, I had an extremely difficult time choosing between this one and Do It Well. What edged Get Right in as the prized pick was that saxophone beat. Ignore this weird video where J was obviously trying to puff those acting chops and show that she could play any Jenny you throw at her and just close your eyes and let that sax influence you to pop, lock and drop it. Preferably in a fur-hooded winter coat (crop top style.) If we’re being real though, I can’t even knock her because if I ever had washboard abs like hers, I wouldn’t wear a full length shirt the rest of my life. So I respect it.

1. Jenny From The Block.

THE GOAT. THE PINNACLE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS JENNIFER LOPEZ. Without Jenny from the Block we wouldn’t have a fully dressed Ben Affleck LITERALLY KISSING HER ASS ON A YACHT. Without the Bronx, we wouldn’t have hoodrat Jenny with her nameplate hoops shouting FROM THE BRONX in the background accompanied by rapper hands. We wouldn’t even know what a mid-music video breakdown into a random song or dance number while wearing a do-rag is. And I for one, am #grateful for all of the above. This song and music video sum up everything that is perfection about ya gurl Jen. She’s humble and knows she came from tha hood but also would like to remind everyone that she can dance, sing, bang hot Hollywood babes and buy herself anything she wants now. KWEEN. I’d be even more excited if Bennifer made an appearance at the Super Bowl but I know that’s not realistic. Jenny, if you’re reading this, know that it would be very hilarious and self aware of you to poke fun at Bennifer while performing this song, which should most obviously be your closer. 

BONUS: Limitless

I feel like I was a little heavy-handed on OG JLo from when she was in the prime of her music career and that’s nothing against her, because she’s proven at 50 that she’s still in her prime and yet I pretty much hate any song she’s released within the last decade. She was leaning into the youths a little too much and I tend to not ~~love~~ that type of music. Also, she had quite a few collaborations with Pitbull and I think that bald little hot tamale stinks because he just shouts the same phrases over and over again. The latina DJ Khaled, if you will. HOWEVER, this song that she made for the movie she was in a couple years ago (Second Act–great flick) slaps hard. It makes me want to put on a red power suit and take over the world. GURL POWER. I wouldn’t hate if she slipped this one into the show somewhere with a potential cameo from her daughter who appeared in the video. Also, a great showcase for her vocals, which I feel like she doesn’t have a lot of songs that feature the pipes she’s got. I’m just lookin out for my BFF Jen, who texts me more than my own friends and family.

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